Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the resort manager asking how their staff should respond to complaints about a non-binary guest in the bathrooms? Here’s the update.

Based on your and your readers’ advice, we reframed our thinking regarding possible future complaints. We made a conscious effort to train our staff who may possibly be receiving or investigating any complaints to ask the right questions and enable them to distinguish complaints about what someone was doing from any that may be about who they were. By doing this, the potential problem and our staff’s concerns about handling it became a much smaller deal than we originally thought. It sounds simple when you put it like that and, truthfully, it was.

We included a statement in our check-in literature which read “Everyone welcome! Teapot Resorts does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, ability, veteran status, or citizenship. We welcome guests to use the restroom that is consistent with their gender identity. Taking pictures, filming, or otherwise putting other guests’ privacy at risk in the restrooms and/or private areas is strictly prohibited.” This was included with other information on resort policy as if it were as non-controversial a statement as the office hours or pet leash rules.

Of the five resorts I manage, including the one where our non-binary guest is staying, I had next to no pushback from any of our staff. One person questioned the necessity of publishing the statement wondering if it were “poking the bear,” and one other older gentleman reportedly told his coworker that he didn’t personally agree with it, but in the course of his official duties has followed it to the letter.

We had an extremely busy summer, with a higher than average number of guests and received exactly zero complaints about anyone in the bathrooms, and I truly believe the statement acted preventatively. We literally had a single negative response, a guest who didn’t say anything during his stay, but sent a long, angry rambling email after the fact complaining about the policy on behalf of his wife and all other “real” women. Interestingly, he never referred to her by name, only as his Wife, as if that were her identity, and we did not hear from her at all. By contrast, we had a handful of guests who positively commented on the policy, both those who were directly impacted by the policy and those who were not but generally approved of it. By far the most common reaction was no reaction at all, which was a very pleasant surprise.

It is easy to see that having a non-discrimination policy, ensuring all of our staff knew how to talk about the issue, and making our guests aware of it neutralized not only our staff’s concerns over dealing with complaints but also made the majority of our guests (regardless of their own gender identity) feel more comfortable and safe in our facilities. Overall this experience definitely resulted in a net positive for our company in a lot of ways, including public perception and staff retention.

My sincere thanks to you and all of your amazing readers who took the time to comment and share their own experiences and things that worked for them. Through the advice received we were able to turn this potential mountain into a molehill.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Our uniform policy is ludicrous and pisses me off constantly

After I went to Bob and explained that the stipend is insufficient, there are very few options for women and even fewer for large women, I went through the options on the uniform website myself and sent the admin links to several shirts that were available but not offered at our company. She added them to our offerings. I tried to order them and they were out of stock, not in my size…all kinds of issues. So I finally just decided that I won’t be following the uniform policy, or enforcing it with my direct reports, until the issues are truly corrected. Other female managers, for their own reasons, have done the same. Bob isn’t the best at follow-through, so no one is saying anything at the moment. Just yesterday, though, someone told me that our new director is keen to force us into not only uniforms, but shirts that are all the same color, every day. This depresses me more than I can say. But it seems like it is a ways off, so I plan to fight that battle when it gets here.

When my original post was published, I got several comments saying I was being classist or a snob. I’m truly sorry I came across that way. I sat down to write my letter just after another failed attempt to fix the problem, and I was angry. Being told what to wear is extremely triggering for me for personal reasons, but I also felt like no one was listening to the very real concerns about the unfairness and weirdness of the policy. I admit it was a rant, and I wish I would have handled myself better. I really appreciate the many supportive comments and Alison’s advice! They empowered me to know this is worth pushing back on, and I’m going to keep doing that.

2. Should I tell my boss about a personal situation that might affect my work?

I’m happy to say my situation turned out really well! I did talk to my boss, and he was as supportive and sympathetic as I could have hoped. We agreed on no new projects for awhile while I was dealing with the home situation, and to keep him in the loop if things escalated in a scary way or I felt like I needed more resources from the company. He’d check in periodically, although never in an overbearing way, but otherwise treated me normally.

I’m glad I was honest with my boss and HR, in part because, as it happened, the *solution* to the personal drama (I know some folks were wondering, so: it was a set of really, REALLY toxic roommates; going into detail would be wildly off-topic, but it was baaaaaaaad) was also its own source of stress for a few months even once they were on their way out the door (literally)—I bought the house I’d been renting for several years! It’s a happy outcome, but anybody who’s been through that process anytime recently probably has an idea how stressful and time-consuming it is, even without the house-hunting aspect. Anyway, it’s all over now, my mental health has DRAMATICALLY improved, and while, per my boss and co-workers, they didn’t see a dip in my performance, knowing that they were aware I had big things happened in my personal life made me feel like I’d have grace there if I needed it. My company is a great place to work, and I’m grateful for it. This past year would have been so much harder if I was working somewhere with a less supportive culture.

(I’m also glad I shared with my boss, because the first time we happened to talk after closing, he asked me how I was enjoying being a land baron now.)

3. Could my acne be keeping me from getting a job? (first update here; second update here; third update here)

I no longer work in either education or the completely different field I was shifting to with my update in 2018. Interestingly enough, I ended up working for a dermatologist for two years, and the treatment I got while working there knocked out the root cause of my acne. Now it’s just maintenance care to keep it from returning, and my face is no longer in physical pain from breakouts. Covid kicked me around career-wise for a while, but I think the dust has finally settled and I’ve found myself a good place to be.

You took my question seriously all those years ago, acknowledging that the acne could be making me look younger but also giving me other ways to make sure I read as my age, and I’ve always appreciated it. So many people in my life minimized how awful it made me feel by saying it was just a cosmetic thing, but the AAM community all had nothing but kind things to say to a young 25 year old who was ashamed of her face. I’ll never forget the commenter who actually reached out to me to send me money for medication that I couldn’t afford back then. (I’m keeping them anonymous in case they wished for it to be, but I’ve never forgotten their name.) So many of you wanted to help out too – I was blown away by the generosity and I still am, five years later! I’ve always loved the AAM community, and I will forever treasure how kind everyone was to me during what was a pretty rough period of my career. Thank you, all of you!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Should my coworker be allowed to be a jerk to me because she’s pregnant?

Maria ended up going on leave a day after the article came out. My manager told Maria that I was busy on the floor and would not be able to respond to her emails. I never forwarded the email to my boss but I do have them saved if it starts happening again.

The months that Maria was gone were bliss. I was not afraid to check my email anymore, and things could be done without a micromanager off site. I ended up really flourishing while she was gone. I got compliments on how I was handling things from my manager, the person covering for Maria, and more importantly our boss. In that time, I decided when Maria came back I was only going to include her things that she needed to know, instead of before where she wanted to be included in everything.

Maria is back, and I have even gotten a simple thank you email, which I had never received from her before. Maria even gave me compliments through my manager. Unfortunately, Maria is now picking on a different coworker so I do not think she has changed too much.

2. When I ask for a raise, my company asks what more I’m willing to take on to justify it (#2 at the link)

I actually went to talk to my boss about a different issue and during that talk, my boss told me I was getting a promotion, a new title, made salaried instead of hourly, and getting about a 50% pay raise! I’m also supposed to talk to them about salary every other year going forward as they “didn’t realize” I hadn’t gotten a raise in so long. I’ve actually scheduled that salary talk as reminder on my calendar so I don’t forget and feel much more confident about approaching them now for a raise.

I haven’t gotten all the details on the new job yet but we’re supposed to meet to go over the full description “soon.” The pay increase is already in effect. I’m a little nervous because I haven’t heard what’s coming off my desk from my current job, if we’re blending the old and new or what. I’m already working 9-11 hours a day trying to keep up with my current job. We’ll see how the meeting goes, but a HUGE financial worry is off my shoulders!

3. Moving to a post-science career (#6 at the link)

It’s been a full decade and I thought readers might enjoy an update from a long-ago submission.

Long story short: I did end up leaving science. It did take me longer than anticipated to make a full pivot into my new field – one of the riskier things I’ve ever done. However, now my only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner. I read my letter to you and was saddened at the state I was in when writing it. Best to avoid being driven to despair.

My new field is a lot more volatile nowadays, but I’m also a whole lot happier. I’m grateful I was able to find a completely different path for myself.

Thanks for publishing my letter ten years ago and the good resource you’ve been to the AAM community since.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer wondering how to write a peer review for a horrible coworker? The coworker, Mike, was yelling at customers and colleagues, sulked when asked to stop shouting, was angry with 20% of customers, left work in the middle of the day without saying anything, and refused to work with returning patients who he doesn’t like. Their manager, Chad, was doing very little. The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

After my coworker was napping at his desk again, I took a photo of it and sent it to my boss. (Note from Alison: I also received this photo.) I mentioned that I didn’t say anything like, “Wake up, Mike!” because we had a patient in the shop, but I had enough time to get up from my desk, go to the area where purses are kept, sit back down, pull out my phone, and take a photo, all without waking him. I asked for Chad’s advice on how to deal with Mike sleeping on the floor, while the rest of us were helping patients. I did include a photo to Chad, because I knew he wouldn’t believe me about Mike sleeping at his desk unless I had photographic proof.

My manager Chad wrote to Lana and me:

“Hello,

I talked with Mike regarding his dozing at work. I know that he has ongoing struggles with mental health and sleep apnea. I asked him what would be a respectful way to approach him or acknowledge that he needs to either take a walk or go splash some water in his face to wake up. I suggested a playful code word to prompt for him to take an action.

Just say “Jedi Mike”

I know it seems silly, but it’s a way to engage him without calling him out in front of patients and staff. I hope that this will be helpful in supporting the three of you working together.

Thank you,
Chad”

I wish I was making this up. Sometimes I laugh out loud that my manager thinks this is a real solution.

That was on September 30. In the 5 weeks since then, there have been three times where I should have said, “Jedi Mike,” because Mike was sleeping at his desk, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that out loud at work.

I haven’t yet figured out a way to say, “Jedi Mike” in casual conversation while working with a patient. “I think you will love the taste of our new oatmeal blend. Jedi Mike.” “In my experience, this new teapot lid fits Jedi Mike perfectly.”

I usually roll with the punches (when an old man asks me to marry him in front of his adult daughter; when a child vomits in the middle of the floor; when the drawer of my desk falls off while working with a patient) but I haven’t figured out a professional way to say “Jedi” at work. If anyone else knows how to say “Jedi Mike” in conversation and you don’t work at Disney, please let me know.

I have really taken advantage of the health benefits here at my job. But I am also actively looking for a new job. Today I had my second interview with someone else.

I will update either after I’m happily at a new job, or I become a Sith Lord.

Update to the update:

I wrote you in the meantime because I found out I was being paid $4-8 less/hour than my peers. Multiple talks with both Chad and HR were frustratingly ineffective and demoralizing. I had 5 interviews over a 7 week period. One of the jobs offers a state pension and a guaranteed 5% raise each year. (Remember that my 3.5% raise was dependent on Mike liking me?) The hiring manager reached out almost 2 months after I applied and asked if I was still interested.

I had read all your advice about negotiating salary, and I listed to your podcast. I practiced saying out loud to my dog, “Any chance you could go up to X+5%?” And when the HR person for StateJob offered me the job (which is $4.50/hour more than I am currently making), I asked, “Would you be willing to pay $6 more?” I also calmly stated that even though they wanted me to start on December 19, I had dental work scheduled for January 13, and my current dental plan paid more than new StateJob dental did. So with your advice, I negotiated $1.50 more an hour (a 23% raise from what I am making now! and 7% more than the original offer) and a later start date that allows me to maximize my dental coverage. New StateJob will be hard, rewarding work, and I’m excited about my new professional competent coworker, and I know I can make a difference. I never would have negotiated for myself without your invaluable website, and even though you personally did not get that raise for me, I felt the encouragement of the entire commentariat and knew that you and all your readers would be supporting me in advocating for myself.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My coworker left her baby in the car while she worked

I temporarily put aside any decisions to call DCFS. It was an impossible situation. I fully understand both sides of the argument, and there’s no right answer as could clearly be seen in the comment section. Ultimately I felt the immediate danger had passed and I trusted my manager to hopefully ensure this particular scenario wouldn’t have a repeat, so I decided to only call if I saw further problems.

I mentioned in the comments that Cora can be prickly in general and isn’t really my biggest fan. I don’t know why. Given that and the fact that I wasn’t actually present for the incident, I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything directly to Cora. I very purposely participated in the gossip the following days hoping that if I could guide the narrative towards safer options they would reach her ears eventually, and that maybe it would stick in my other coworkers’ heads to show better judgement and speak up if something similar ever happens again.

Since then there were a handful of times Cora’s childcare fell through and she brought the baby into work, keeping him in his carrier behind the desk or taking him into a back office as time allowed. The rest of us all did our best to rally and and give her flexibility during those days. Then about a month ago Cora was let go. Our industry is healthcare-adjacent and she shared private client information in a way that blew up spectacularly. Our manager’s hands were tied.

Cora blocked me on all social media, but other coworkers that she didn’t dislike say she got a job waiting tables. I wish her the best and really hope her new employers will be accommodating if she has childcare issues while working there.

2. My boss has been really awkward since I quit (#4 at the link)

Your advice (which many commenters agreed with) to be aggressively normal was extremely helpful and affirming to me. For the remainder of my notice, I did just that. I never ended up tracking my boss down to properly discuss the transition plan, and he never engaged me either. When it did come up in passing, I merely informed him of how I was handling it and I guess that was good enough because there weren’t any qualms or suggestions beyond an acknowledgement.

In my last week, my boss did pull me aside to express his gratitude to me for my hard work and value as a team member. The department head also assured me that the company would welcome me back, so I do believe we parted on good terms, which was my goal. I stayed in contact with some colleagues, and later learned that my boss and his family were experiencing some medical challenges with their first born, so I believe that stress may have played a role in my boss’ initial response. But he was always extremely private about his personal life, so I honestly didn’t even know that he and his family were expecting until right around the time I left my position.

I am so grateful for your assurance that it was a “him” problem, and not a “me” problem, because that helped me give him a little more grace (which I later realized he needed) without being too hard on myself.

3. My boss is unreachable when I need him

The advice was really helpful. “Just talk to him” seemed really obvious once I read it, but it was useful to get the perspective that that would be okay and even good to do. That combined with the observation that I was being too passive gave me the impetus to bring it up. The solution was a combination of things: my boss committed to be better about attending our meetings or rescheduling with communication (and has followed through on that), I now won’t be called on after-hours unless it really is an emergency, which is very rare for our work, and I got more independence–there are some things that I was trying to get approval for that I didn’t need to. Also, I got a couple of non-time-sensitive research projects to work on if and when I have downtime. So it really came down to him doing some small things better and me doing some small things better, but you were right that he might not have known that it was a problem without me bringing it up.

Also… I got a promotion and now have a report of my own to manage and train! He’s great to work with, but I have a lot more sympathy now for my boss’s end of the problem in my original letter; it’s amazing how much time it takes to assign someone work, teach them how to do it, let them do it, review it, and give them feedback.

When I originally wrote in, I was pretty frustrated, which I think came across. There were also just some external life factors that weren’t directly relevant, but probably contributed to having a shorter fuse than normal. I’m glad that I was able to get the perspective that it was something to be fixed on both sides, and also really more of a minor hitch than a big huge deal. Things are going well now!

4. Nail-clipping coworker (#2 at the link)

About a month after my letter was published, we hired three new entry level employees in my group and my nail clipping coworker was moved to his own private office to make room. Before our new hires started, I did a quick wipe down of the desks and lo and behold, nail clippings … everywhere.

There were a few commenters confused as to how one could clip their nails almost daily, but these nail clippings were very small slivers, as if my coworker was chipping away little by little to create a nail sculpture that would rival Michelangelo’s David.

I was surprised at how many commenters have had similar experiences with nail-clipping colleagues. I was glad to find I was not alone with thinking that the office is a bit of an ill-suited place to be clipping your nails. If my coworker is still clipping his nails frequently at work, I have no idea. At least he can now do it in the privacy of his own office.

A couple commenters were concerned that I hadn’t interacted much with my cube neighbor. I think it just boiled down to the fact he stuck to himself. Even with social events picking back up after covid restrictions were lifted, socializing just doesn’t seem like his thing. I admit I could have made more of an effort back when we were neighbors. Since he’s moved I’ve gotten into a habit of saying hello whenever we cross paths. That seems to be enough for both of us.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer worked at Twitter and was wondering what to do as the company imploded? Here’s the update.

I started drafting an update a while ago and then Elon sent that email about clicking on the button if you want to remain at Twitter and everything just became so surreal and chaotic. It’s been a couple weeks and I feel like I’m just starting to process things. (Ed. note: That’s a reference to Elon Musk’s email giving Twitter employees a short deadline to click yes if they agreed to work long hours and be “extremely hardcore” … and saying that anyone who didn’t would be let go with severance.)

I don’t think any of us were expecting things to be good when Elon took over, but everyone was just so incredibly surprised at how quickly things went downhill. I wrote everything out in chronological order since that felt like the best way to make some sense of the chaos.

→  10/27: During the first Halloween party Twitter had held since the pandemic, Elon fired most of the senior leadership team.

→  10/30 (Sunday): Several of us were added to Slack working groups because Elon had decided to launch Twitter Blue Verification, meaning that anyone would be able to be verified as long as they paid for it (what were we “verifying” then? I do not know).
• We spent the next two weeks dismantling the verification program we had built over the past several years. It wasn’t a perfect program (or even close to it), but it was carefully and thoughtfully built and I was very proud of it.

→ 11/3 (Thursday): An email from Twitter was sent out saying layoffs would happen and we’d all know by 9 am the next day if we were “safe” or not. About three hours later people started losing access, and this continued all night/into the early morning hours. Mass panic ensued.
• During the layoffs, the product manager of Blue Verified hosted a meeting/check in at 9:30 pm. I still think about this — as our colleagues were losing their jobs, she kept pushing the work on this worthless product forward. I think about this moment a lot — it perfectly captures the difference between the “before Elon” Twitter and the Twitter we have now. As an example of olden day Twitter, I had an infant when the pandemic hit, and all the daycares in my area had closed down. Twitter worked with me to ensure my schedule was flexible enough that I could get my work done and still care for my baby.
• The next day no one (including managers) knew who was left — our online directory was removed so people would just ping people on Slack to see if they were still at Twitter.

→ The next couple weeks were full of reorgs as managers tried to consolidate who was left, people getting fired for speaking out against Elon in Slack, and people resigning. Twitter Blue Verification launched and was then rolled back because of the disastrous impact it had (the exact same impact Trust & Safety and the Human Rights teams had predicted).

→ 11/9: The infamous “everyone must return to the office, starting tomorrow” email was sent. Three heads of teams resigned (Data Privacy and Compliance among them).

→ 11/10: Word got around that Elon was hosting an all-hands for some orgs, and everyone started joining in via a Google hangout link. He didn’t say anything useful and didn’t answer questions about the return to office email aside from saying “if you can be in an office and do not come in, I’ll consider that your resignation.”
• The next week, my team and I prioritized a proposal to roll back a decision Elon had made that was resulting in a lot of accounts getting suspended. We were able to put something together that I think would have resolved the concerns that prompted him to make the decision he did while still preventing suspension for this set of accounts. However, before we could send it to him, he sent the “push the button email” at midnight on 11/16.

→ 11/16: Even more panic — everyone was asking everyone else if they were going to push the button or not.
•  Alex Spiro (Musk’s lawyer) came over to our area and started talking to a couple folks at the desks. At this point, we had heard nothing aside from what was in Elon’s ultimatum email and people were desperate for answers, so they started gathering around him. Alex said that it was good that people were gathering around since he wanted to share his thoughts with everyone.
•  He started talking about how Elon had launched rockets before, so we should trust his vision and we should all push the button and stay. One of the people on my team asked what Elon meant by “exceptional performance” in the email — in particular, how would this be evaluated for our team members?
•  At this point, Alex told everyone that he had not yet read Elon’s email, and someone had to pull it up on their phone and show it to him so he could read it. He then explained how the email was intended to be motivational in nature and we just weren’t used to getting emails from Elon yet but he was and “this is just how Elon talks.”
•  People started asking more questions, and then one employee started getting visibly upset and started having a panic attack — she was crying and was on the floor. Alex didn’t know how to handle the situation so pretty much ignored her and the conversation essentially ended at that point.
•  Hearing from one of Elon’s closest advisors that he had not actually read the email himself but that we should nonetheless trust Elon made people feel even more uneasy and panicked about the decision (if that’s even possible).

→  11/17: Our team saw a strange calendar invite pop up at around 11:50 am for a meeting that was taking place at noon.
•  When we joined the meeting, it was to hear similar lines about how we should all stay/we should all push the button and we should trust Elon/he has launched rockets into space before, etc. etc.
•  A lot of people asked if we could have more time to make a decision like this, but the question was ignored.
•  When 2 pm came, almost no one on my team pushed the button. Those that did push the button were mainly people who needed healthcare, were about to go on maternity/paternity leave/etc.

I also didn’t push the button and am now on the outside of a company I’ve been at for a decade. On some level I know I couldn’t have pushed the button, but I feel so sad nonetheless. I still have close friends there, and I miss my team and the work we got to engage in so much. It still hits me at weird moments that I don’t work there anymore. I got emotional about it today for the first time in a week.

Anyway, that’s my update in as succinct a way I can manage to provide it. Yoel Roth, the head of Trust & Safety who resigned over Elon’s changes, also talked at a Knight Foundation event and he captured everything way better than I have in this email. It’s a long talk but so accurately describes what it was like living through the past few weeks.

Note: I’ve been contacted by a legal firm working on this case who asked me to note here that anyone working at Twitter who didn’t push the button may be eligible for the full amount of severance they were promised after the merger agreement was signed, and that they should contact an attorney if they want to ask about pursuing that severance. They noted that the difference for many employees can be tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars, due to the inclusion of the RSU vesting (stock grants).