Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Should I take a job where the CEO is a dick?

It was very important to me to have a new job lined up as soon as possible because my husband and I were in the middle of a big real estate purchase and risked it falling through if I didn’t have an income. I went against everyone’s advice and accepted the jerk job because I still had a few weeks before I would have gotten offers from anywhere else. I started at the end of July and … it’s fine. My immediate boss is awesome, I have one direct report and they’re awesome, and I can see what everyone is saying about the CEO but so far nothing has bothered me. There are a lot of little ridiculous things that I think are just to feed the CEO’s ego and make him feel like he has a horde of minions that he can control — we had a company photo and they sent a dress code for it (fortunately I was remote that day for legit medical reasons); we have to have our cameras on during all-hands meetings; our email signatures are pre-set and if we want to change anything we have to send an IT ticket. I can laugh all that stuff off and if it’s something I really object to, I have no problem resisting. (We were STRONGLY ENCOURAGED to participate in a walk-a-thon for a charity related to the company’s mission. No way am I doing that.)

Other than that, there are good and bad things about the company, just like anywhere else. In general, I’m not super passionate about this work but I’ve had enough career changes that I don’t want another one, and I’m in a major industry for my area so it should never be that hard to find a new job if this one goes downhill. Thanks for all the advice — I really took it all into consideration even though I ended up going the opposite way.

2. My boss wants to be able to check in with my doctor about me

I did not remember to check your response, because my circumstances ended up being slightly traumatic and I had to distance myself from the situation.

As it turned out, I was “coaxed” out of the position, but also by my own volition because I felt as if the relationships with my supervisors would not be repaired, and that I would be uncomfortably watched with an eagle eye moving forward. The company that I was working for is a major chain that is known for varying degrees of unsafe or unfair working conditions for its employees. Ironically, shortly before all of this, I had overheard a conversation from this same supervisor that they were fighting a custody battle, and intended to subpoena mental health records of their spouse in order to prove that the spouse was unfit to parent. All told, I think I dodged a bullet with this specific employer.

The entire staff ended up being aware of the illness, because I made what I thought was the responsible and humanitarian choice to share it with them for overall awareness of the stigmatization, but my supervisors ended up being quite upset that I did so, which I believe compounded their reactions in wanting to keep it quiet.

I did end up relocating for health and wellness, and am working again in another position (ironically also receiving bullying for different reasons), but the silver lining is that I started my own business as a therapist on the side. It is a tricky circumstance, because I am about to relocate again and am heavily contemplating going back to another branch of that same chain because of how easy it is to earn income there due to my experience. I was guaranteed confidentiality from the former employer as a condition of leaving voluntarily, so we shall see if they keep their word and I will happily provide an update should that not be the case.

We are truly living in an interesting corporate society! It is so easy to be gaslighted as a subordinate, but I am learning to stand up for myself a bit more fervently. I tend to fall into a pattern of emotional abuse in my workplaces (hence my current circumstances) because I am kind hearted, hard-working, but also very talented and ambitious … not always a good combination. My experience earlier this year actually inspired me to take the bold move to report an abusive manager to Human Resources this week, which I have never done before and it was terrifying but needed to be done. Empowerment truly can work for women.

3. Can I call my regular lunch date an “appointment”? (#2 at the link)

Thank you for answering my letter. I’m glad that you pointed out that when most people hear “appointment,” they think medical. I’m a private person, so I was trying to come up with a neutral way to request some extra time without going into detail. I was intending the broader definition of the word that a couple commenters reflected on, but I can see how that term still would have been misleading.

To address some speculation from the comments, according to our published office hours we only get 30 minutes for lunch. I am in a non-exempt position with the option to work remotely (I don’t by personal preference, though everyone else on my team does.) While part of my duties are answering my phone, it’s impossible to arrange for coverage every time I need to leave my desk, and being away for a long lunch isn’t an exception, so that isn’t a huge issue. I didn’t think to mention the fact that our lunch date destination was not a place I would reasonably expect to run into my coworkers. Think a cafeteria/food court within a large office complex—most of the customers are employees of those businesses, not the general public. My friend had passes there so that’s where we met.

As for where I am now… I started with that new job and it’s been going great! My question ended up being a bit premature, though. My friend and I had to give up our lunch dates due to seasonal schedule changes and her getting a new job. Once she feels settled and has a grasp on her lunch flexibility, we can reconsider. I did ask my supervisor once about staying late to make up time for a single long lunch event (different friends visiting on a day trip) and her response was supportive—she even suggested a place to go.

Your suggestion to get the lay of the land first was spot-on. Not all offices would allow as much flexibility, and not all managers are as supportive as they think they are. Since getting to know my team and how they function, I don’t think my supervisor would have any issue at all if I asked her about adjusting my schedule for mid-day commitments, be they social, medical, or incidental. I’ve known coworkers to schedule hair appointments or trips to the mechanic during the workday without issue. As long as we put in 40 hours and attend the meetings already on our calendars, we are trusted to manage our time ourselves.

4. We have to submit detailed “work from home reports” every day (#2 at the link)

We still have to do them. Latest excuse I heard was, “We got PPP money and a new accounting firm, so we don’t know what the auditors will want.” The good news is I gave up being detailed. They’re now usually 3 or 4 words. Nobody has said anything and I continue to look for a new job.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. I was promised summer hours — but it’s frowned upon to use them

The update is a wild one. Within my first year at this company, my manager wanted to take on a huge, special project and asked me if I’d step up as interim manager for a few months. I did, and after some time passed, my performance proved to be better than his. People even joked about it with him (“thanks for giving her your job, she’s so much better at it than you were”) and I think it made him pretty bitter. When his project ended, he was offered a department manager role in another department and accepted it. My interim management role was offered to me on a permanent basis and I accepted.

Over time, it became glaringly obvious that my former boss (now peer) was a narcissistic bully and, well, he’s no longer with the company. As it turns out, he was driving most of the negativity around “Summer Fridays” because he believed he was better than the rest of the “slackers” in the company. With him out of the picture, things are much more peaceful. The rest of the management team is laid back and works well together. We all greatly appreciate our Summer Friday benefit, and we take full advantage with no guilt! Of course I encourage my direct reports to do the same. And since the pandemic has brought a lot more flexibility into the work world, our HR manager is even pushing for year-round “Flex Fridays.” It’s a happy update!

2. I tried to resign, my boss cried, and I agreed to stay

I was so glad when you answered my letter, and when all the commenters also supported me in my decision. Unfortunately, it took me a few more tries to grow enough of a spine to cut ties with my old boss. I went back to her and said, look, August 1st will have to be my last day. At first she said okay, but then when the end of July rolled around, it became, “can you come in next Friday just to show me how to do XYZ?” And then “can you come in the Friday after that to take pictures of ABC for the website, edit the photos, and put them on a flash drive for me?” And then “well, we’re having a special sale on BlahBlah for Black Friday, maybe you can work that Friday and Saturday?” So I had tried to lay down a boundary, and she kept pushing it.

I finally had to say in an email, so I couldn’t get any pushback, “look, I have to be done and focus on my studies, seriously. I recommend you hire someone else, because I will not be available.” She threw another mini-fit when I went in to hand over my keys to the store, but I just had to endure that, and now it’s over! I feel much happier and lighter now that I no longer have to worry about this other job and this boss continuing to push my boundaries. And my studies are going great, as well, which they would not have been if I’d had to keep on with this job. I would have been going crazy.

And guess what, she did NOT close her business, she DID find someone else to hire, and now she says she will NOT retire next year but plans to keep going for two to three years more! Sounds like I didn’t cause a catastrophe after all.

3. I paid for transit benefits I never received (#4 at the link)

Armed with external confirmation that, no, it’s actually not unreasonable to expect my benefits, it took no fewer than 3 additional conversations with my supervisor to get any sort of resolution. I could not get my boss (THE GENERAL COUNSEL) to grasp that it didn’t matter that the org wasn’t doing anything untoward with my money, the issue was that it was MY MONEY AND THEY STILL HAD IT 2 YEARS LATER WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

Finally in SEPTEMBER I got a call from one of the HR people who said I could get back on transit, but that there wouldn’t be an announcement about it so I had to tell the people I saw in the office that it was available again. So just this week, I got 2 months of transit, only one month of which will be coming out of future paychecks.

Sorry to be shouty in places but I still don’t get it.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My new hire asked if I was mad because I didn’t wish him a happy birthday

Thank you for your advice earlier this year. This update is a bit of a bumpy one. Bottom line up front: three months later, none of the people in the original letter still work at that firm.

I did wind up smoothing over the birthday-specific interaction, using the breezy approach you recommended. You mentioned in your response to my letter that you assumed there would be other areas where my direct report would need guidance. This turned out to be the case. There were a number of really odd incidents with this employee that showed he needed training on how to act in a professional environment. But none of them rose to the level of the concerns I had with respect to his work and the level of time and effort he was putting in.

Ultimately over the course of three months, my direct report didn’t work a full 40-hour work week once — despite direct feedback in which I shared with him verbally, and later in writing, that full-time effort and presence were a requirement for this job. He had a series of reasons for being unable to be present that, each taken individually, were reasonable (like the birthday!) but amounted to a pattern of working about 30 hours a week total. In some companies, roles, or seasons that level of effort would be OK, but not at that job. During the same time period, everyone else on the same client services team was pulling regular 50+ hour weeks due to the combination of an unrealistically high workload, covering for him, as well as covering for the team lead we had lost.

Some of the commenters also pointed out that the team lead’s sudden passing was actually the biggest issue in the letter, and I agree. (It isn’t what I wrote to you about because it was less within my sphere of influence.) The firm’s leadership really botched the handling of the team lead’s passing away, including but not limited to making the team take personal days — not bereavement — to attend the memorial service. It was thanks to the unrealistically high workload I mentioned, combined with the severe mismanagement of the team lead’s passing, that I connected with my network and found a job with another firm. I am now working with people I know and trust, at a pace where 40 (not 55) hour weeks are the norm, and my commute is less than half of what it was. My former direct report was let go a week after my last day after he failed to meet the PIP I had written for him.

The situation was complicated and definitely a learning experience. I’m very happy with where I’ve landed.

2. We were offered company-branded clothing … in sizes that don’t fit me (#2 at the link; first update here)

I’ve been at my new job for almost 5 months and it is glorious. GLORIOUS.

While I’m still the only person with Teapot Engineer in their title, I have many coworkers perfectly capable of doing the work, and more than willing to lend a hand. So I’m no longer in a position where I feel like if I don’t do it, no one can. Someone can, someone will.

More than that, my manager is extremely protective of my time and energy. I’m a consultant now, which means booked hours, billable hours, the whole shebang. When resourcing sends an email asking if I have availability for November when I’m booked at 102% capacity, he will immediately respond before I get a chance to, letting them know that I don’t have the availability and often suggesting others who can take the work on. We have regular check-ins, and he has made it very clear he wants to make sure I’m doing the work I WANT to do, not just the work that needs done (within reason, of course). He also encourages me to take PTO (which is a mindset shift I’m still working on, but getting there). We have unlimited, and from what I’ve seen most people are taking 2 weeks or more over the course of the year. Plus just . . . so many paid holidays. Like banker levels of paid holidays.

There are multiple mechanisms for giving praise and recognition here, and people are generous with that (without drifting towards “damning with faint praise”). Knowing that my work is recognized and appreciated is going a LONG way towards helping with the burnout I was experiencing.

My new company is headquartered in another state, with hybrid models for people living near the offices, and remote for everyone else. They have clearly put thought and effort into how to build an actual work culture around remote work, and it is so helpful. There’s a book club! There are multiple slack channels around various interests, including pet pictures! Everyone has always been extremely welcoming and responsive to any questions I have. If I don’t know who knows the answer, I know someone who will know the right person to ask.

I’ve only been to HQ a couple of times, but everyone was very kind and just excited to be working there. And no one expounded on the calorie count of the pizza they chose to order for the office for lunch.

3. Using personal laptops at work (#3 at the link)

I wrote in during the speed round about possibly being asked to bring my personal laptop to work when we transitioned from WFH to in office work. Not an interesting update but I did not end up asking my boss about nor did I have to assume it was or was not happening. My boss ended up asking me before the transition if I had a laptop I’d like to bring into work or if I would like a desktop set for me. I took the desktop option. What’s interesting to me is that I’m in the minority. Of the other people working in my area, only one other person works from a desktop. Everyone else brings their laptop and takes it home every day they work. I haven’t completely disconnected my personal laptop from work though as I still WFH one day a week.

4. I’m hypersensitive to criticism — how do I fix this?

I have had this email in my drafts folder for a while now, and I’ve kept updating it over the past year or so, but I am finally here with an update I am proud of.

It’s been a while, I know, I know. I’ve actually had a few jobs since the last letter, all within my field, which has been great. But, yeesh, just loving your field shockingly doesn’t fully fix your mental health (what a surprise — not). My first in-field job I left for professional reasons, and to try my hand in a more niche field. However, in that second job, I was harshly critiqued over just about everything I did by an inexperienced micromanager (which honestly could be its own post). Being there pushed me over the edge. My anxiety was generalized to everything from waking up in the morning, to going to sleep just knowing I had to go back to work in the morning. My previously in-remission-ish eating disorder showed up again in full force, and I was crying almost every night after work. That was the breaking point, and I finally started therapy and anti-anxiety medication almost a year ago, which I have probably needed for about 9 years if I’m being honest with myself.

And guess what? I quit that job, and I got one where I felt valued and supported (they even paid me for my time when interviewing, which is unheard of in my field). A few weeks into the new job, I unexpectedly received some constructive feedback, and I began to cry. I briefly explained that I was in therapy, asked them to ignore it, and carried on the conversation. They were really understanding about it, which was a night-and-day difference from my last job.

Anyhow, it turns out that my current job likes me back – they shortened my probation period, and at my 6 month review yesterday, I didn’t cry AT ALL! I handled the mix of positive and constructive feedback with only a very minimal hot/teary sensation for a moment, and was able to listen and engage with the information that was presented to me.

I’m sorry if this is coming out all disorganized. I always wanted to write back to you, and let you know I was okay, but I wanted to have a real “victory” first to share with everyone.

Thank you for the original reply, too. I returned to it many times to draw strength from the advice and from the outpouring of empathy from the commenters.

To anyone who is struggling quietly, who does not think that their hardships are “bad enough”, or who thinks that their maladaptive coping mechanisms “work for them” – you are worthy of help and guidance. Talk to your doctor, a trusted friend or even to an online hotline if you can’t bring yourself to talk in real life just yet. You deserve good mental and physical health.

Love from,
A mind that is more at ease

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Teen daughter wants to quit her new job because of bad history with a coworker

As I mentioned in the comments, I let her know that I’d support whatever she felt was best, up to and including backing out of the job. Ultimately, she decided she didn’t want to let that relationship ruin this opportunity for her, so she went ahead with it. She has been LOVING it, and by all accounts doing a great job. She’s already in the running for one of three empty crew lead spots, and should hear about it soon. Best (well, worst, but also best) of all, she’s had a couple really horrid interactions with rude and entitled customers, which her managers stepped in and handled perfectly. So while the incidents themselves were pretty awful, it gave her the chance to see that her managers have her back pretty solidly.

As for “Apollo,” the two of them have worked a few shifts together, and she reports that it hasn’t been nearly as bad as she feared. She says they have “an unspoken agreement to coexist in peace,” and she’s prepared to give him the “Grey Rock” response if he seems to be trying to instigate or escalate. Her coworkers and managers know there’s some distance between them, but none of the specifics, and she doesn’t think it’ll be an issue.

She’s making friends; she’s making money; she’s gaining experience, skills, and confidence. A dad couldn’t ask for a better outcome. Thanks for your initial advice and all of the readers’ comments – they really helped me focus in on the best way to help her get where she was going.

2. Pushy coworker won’t stop bringing me food I didn’t ask for

I’m afraid not too much has changed; Kevin still tries to push food/beverages on everyone, including me, and I’m still saying no.

His most recent thing is sending me an IM at 8am every workday asking if I want a coffee. This has happened the last 8 workdays. I bring my own coffee to work, which he knows, but without fail, that IM is there when I start work each morning.

I have not approached my manager formally about it. I did tell her about the coffee thing last week before the holiday, and pointed out that if I were to say “yes” each time, he’d have already spent between $40-$50 buying me coffee. (He specifies “his treat” each time.) I’m not the only one he offers it to either…I acknowledged his finances are not my concern but it’s very odd. Her reply was essentially “I agree that it’s a strange situation but there’s not much to be done.”

He hasn’t gotten aggressive again since the iced tea tantrum, at least not with me. Even without that, though, I’d be lying if I said the constant offers didn’t bother me. But by this point I’ve said so many versions of “no” that it seems unlikely that he’ll suddenly get the message; he doesn’t WANT to get the message. His behavior may not meet the legal definition of harassment but it definitely feels like it. It’s a boundary he’s forcing me to constantly defend and it’s tiring to say the least. I feel like it’s less about the food/coffee and more about wearing me down until he gets a yes.

It’s looking more and more likely that I’ll just have to work around it, unless he escalates again, then I’d definitely have a more serious sit-down with my boss about it. For now though, I’m more or less stuck with it. I was lucky to find a job willing to accommodate my disabilities to the extent this one does, and I really don’t want to jeopardize that.

3. My coworkers are asking if my pregnancy was planned

I don’t have the most exciting update. I got a lot of great responses on the original post that I could give people who ask if my pregnancy was planned, and also ways I could try to stop the question before it happened, like saying, “I’m so excited to say that I’m pregnant!”

I talked with a trusted coworker or two, and they both agreed with me that it was a weird thing for my manager to ask. I’m glad we were on the same page about that! Overall, I only had one other person ask me if the pregnancy is planned. My response was something like, “Wow…I mean we knew what we were doing!” I do think most of my coworkers assume that it was unplanned, but they didn’t say anything.

Since I wrote in, I quit the food service job—it was just getting too hard for me, and my husband and I didn’t need the extra income anyways—and the people at my teaching job have been much more accepting of the pregnancy. No one has asked if it was planned.

I am now 8 months pregnant and everything is going great! Thank you to everyone for the help!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who sent their boss a long, angry email … but turned out to be wrong? Here’s the update.

Here is how the situation resolved itself.

I took the day off to decompress and think some more about what happened (and of course, to reach out to Alison!). The night before returning to work, I sent my boss a follow-up email in a different thread from the 1000-word tirade which had kickstarted the whole thing. I followed Alison’s (and other commenters’) advice not to use any “I’m sorry, but” statements, or say anything else that could sound like trying to justify the original email.

The opening sentence of this new message was to, “Renounce the statements made previously, because they were based on a mistaken and out-of-context interpretation of the conversation that we had on MM/DD/YYYY. I sincerely apologize for jumping the gun and making statements that were completely inaccurate and unjustified.”

The next sentence of this email gave a brief recap of how I had interpreted the original conversation. But I wanted to be careful & avoid any semblance of trying to defend my initial behavior. So I followed up with, “However it was my responsibility to ask for clarification, instead of getting angry and using inflammatory rhetoric towards what I THOUGHT was an unfair judgment being passed on me. By failing to do so, I escalated a simple misunderstanding into a situation that damaged the team’s morale and productivity.” The reconciliatory email ended with some genuine words of appreciation and sincerity, and finally a promise to behave differently in the future.

We had a face-to-face meeting first thing in the morning, on the day I returned to the office. He was in a surprisingly good mood, and acknowledged that he saw the follow-up email. I apologized again for the original Angry Email, and acknowledged that it was “completely deranged and made zero sense” for me to react that way, over something that could’ve been so easily cleared up. He said a few things about the importance of communication and staying calm, and the next 15-20 minutes were spent talking about work.

At the time of this writing, a little over 3 months have passed since the original letter. The project has gone well and we haven’t had any more issues in our professional relationship. Although I can definitely sense that our 1:1 meetings have started to have a little more-than-before talk about soft skills. Things are definitely on the right track, but I am aware that I will have to show long-term improvement (e.g. many years without another incident) in order to fully change the way that I am perceived.

Thank you everyone for your time and feedback!