Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Halloween decorations when I’m video-interviewing

I am going to be starting a job search relatively soon and am wondering whether to leave my office decorations in place. I am a remote worker and would be looking for a new remote position, so presumably would have on-camera video interviews. I decorate my office wall (visible in webcams) for Halloween and Christmas and am wondering whether I should leave them up or take them down.

On one hand, I like that it shows my personality, I get a fair number of compliments on my decorations, and it could be a flag to my current employer to see the decorations removed. On the other hand, I don’t want to come across to a new potential employer as not taking the role or interview process seriously and have put a good bit of effort into styling the wall to look presentable.

I’ve attached a photo of what it looks like currently. Nothing too spooky or over-the-top, but noticeably decorated.

Agh, I’m torn. It’s not that showing any personality is bad, but I do think there’s a chance that some interviewers — not all of them, not even the majority, but some — will think it’s a questionable choice of backgrounds … not because there’s anything wrong with the decorations themselves, but just because it’s potentially distracting. And as a general rule for interviews, it’s in your interests to use a background that isn’t distracting, to the extent that you have that option — because you want your interviewer focused on you and what you’re saying and not trying to make out exactly what’s on the wall behind you. So if it’s relatively easy to give yourself plainer background, I’d go that route.

2. Was I wrong in how I handled noise outside my office?

This happened a long time ago, and every time the memory comes back, I get a bit tense at the awfulness of the day. I once worked for major international professional services firm. Once a year, all the partners would go on retreat and on that Friday, all the office staff left would have quite a relaxed time of it — those who weren’t in my role, that is, as I’d often get urgent last-minute research tasks. I reported directly to the head of the office, and worked ad hoc for partners. Other staff were secretarial/operational and there was only one of me.

One year, one of the secretaries brought their kids in, and they were in party mode all day just outside the glass partition door to my office space. Noisy, and I had a lot to get done. This was not a place where headphones at work were a thing. When I closed the door, I was asked, “Are my kids disturbing you?” and I said, pretty grumpily, “Yes — some of us have work to do today.” The retaliation was FIERCE! I was called mean-spirited, the entire floor was gossiping about me, and I ended up going home in tears. Looking back, I could have been more polite in my response, but I also wonder whether the questioner was just expecting a cheery “oh no everything’s fine.” Maybe they were retaliating in case I reported them to their boss. I don’t know, as I also don’t know whether the kids had permission to be on site. I just wonder why this still rankles! I’m in a completely different industry now, and I think my response would be different. I’d be interested in your take on this!

Yeah, your response was pretty hostile! I don’t doubt that the noise was annoying — and it wasn’t okay for your coworker to let her kids disrupt the office all day — but you would have been better off saying something like, “It’s pretty loud and it’s making it tough to focus.” Hell, you could have stuck your head out even before she asked you about it and asked her to quiet down or move the group somewhere else so you could concentrate. That would have been fine!

But “some of us have work we need to do today” is snarky, and the subtext is “you don’t have a work ethic and I do” — which might have been true, who knows, but it’s pretty much always going to be taken as hostile. That doesn’t mean the way your coworkers responded was justified, but it’s not surprising that they reacted poorly.

3. Should I acknowledge to the people I manage that their recently departed coworker was A Problem?

I started a new role this year managing a team of three people. A few months in, it became clear that one of my employees was no longer happy in the role and was not performing well. After some unsuccessful attempts to work with this person to adjust the job conditions and improve their performance, we settled on a six-month exit plan that would allow them to finish the projects they were working on.

Throughout the six-month period, this employee became even more unmanageable and unprofessional — frequently being very late or absent, cursing when clients were in the office, making excessive non-work calls during the work day, and resisting any oversight of their increasingly sloppy work product. I have not discussed any of this behavior with the other team members (I have discussed it with my own boss) but I’m sure they have noticed it. My other employees have had their own issues but are always very receptive to feedback and I’ve seen real improvement in their work and behavior when feedback is given.

Now that the six-month period is over and the problem employee is gone, would it be appropriate to say something to my other employees acknowledging the bad behavior, apologizing for any impact it had on the rest of the team, and letting them know I recognize their hard work? In general I think it’s not appropriate for a manager to discuss one employee’s personnel issues with other employees, but I don’t want them to think I was oblivious to or okay with the behavior.

The thing is, you kind of were okay with the behavior — at least in the eyes of your team, because you allowed it to continue and didn’t use your authority as the team’s manager to stop it. There’s not a lot of value in saying now “I saw issues XYZ and I wasn’t okay with them, and I apologize for the impact on you”; if anything, it’s likely to frustrate them more because it will feel like empty words (since if you weren’t okay with it, why didn’t you take action?).

The time to act was earlier, when the employee was causing problems. It sounds like once you made the six-month agreement, you basically stopped managing this person (maybe because you figured it wasn’t worth it since they had a departure date set?). But agreements like that only work if it’s clear that the person will still be accountable for their work and conduct while they’re there, and that you will end the agreement if they don’t keep up their side of it. You’ve got to be willing to say, “This isn’t working and I need to see XYZ changes right away or we can’t keep you on for the rest of the time we talked about” and then follow through on that.

It’s too late for that now, of course! All you can really do is resolve to be more hands-on in addressing and stopping problems in the future. If your team sees you doing that, that’s going to carry more weight than an apology now will.

4. Did my referral really refer me?

I recently found a job I’m uniquely qualified for. I have a former coworker at the company, and messaged him to ask if he would refer me for the role. He said yes and asked me to send him my resume and cover letter, then said he’d speak to the hiring manager. Normally when I am referred for a job in this way, I receive an email notifying about the referral and asking me to input information on the company website. In this case, I didn’t receive such an email, or hear anything at all.

I emailed my contact to check in about a week later and ask if there was anything else I needed to do. This time he mentioned he’d speak with someone else in the company about my candidacy. I still haven’t heard anything official letting me know I’ve actually been referred within their system. The company recently re-posted the original job description, leading me to believe it’s still open. Should I apply through LinkedIn, just to be sure that my resume is getting into the correct hands? I don’t want to insult my contact by applying through a different channel, but I really want to ensure the recruiter is seeing my information.

Definitely go ahead and apply directly because maybe he’s on top of this but maybe he’s not. If he did refer you, applying directly won’t hurt your chances. If he didn’t, it’ll get you into their system. If you want, you can send him a message saying, “Just letting you know I also submitted my materials through the online application portal just to cover all my bases and make sure I’m formally in the system!”

5. I list myself as “open to work” on LinkedIn but then ignore recruiters

I am not overly active on LinkedIn, but I add almost everyone who sends me an invitation to my network and keep my work history up-to-date. I frequently get messages from recruiters sending me job postings and wanting to set up time to discuss them. I have never responded to these messages though. I don’t enjoy networking and even though my profile says “open to work,” I’m not actually in a place where I want to interview other places right now. I tell myself that I’d always be open to the right opportunity, though, which is why I always have my profile set to “open to work.”

Is it unprofessional to list myself as “open to work” but not respond to recruiters? Also, what are a recruiter’s expectations? Will they look negatively at me if I don’t respond now, but down the road reach out once I am more actively looking for a job?

I hear from a lot of my coworkers that they regularly take calls with these recruiters to keep their options open, see what other companies are paying for similar roles, and grow their network, but I really don’t want to have to take these calls with random recruiters.

It’s not unprofessional to list yourself as “open to work” when you’re not actively looking to interview. It sounds like you’d be willing to interview for the right opportunity, so you’re not being misleading. (If you really want to be thorough, you could think about whether that’s really true — do you know enough about the jobs you’re being approached about to be in a position to spot the ones that might really interest you without hearing more from those recruiters? And if not, do you care? It’s fine if you don’t.)

But it’s not a big deal to ignore recruiters, even if you then want to contact them later. Recruiters are very used to being ignored by people they contact — these are cold contacts, after all — and they’re not going to hold it against you later (if they even remember).

All that said, it’s not a bad idea to occasionally talk to one of them, for exactly the reasons your coworkers do.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My employee came back to work with a hair salon cape and dye cap on

I work for a small organization. Most of our work takes place virtually, and the majority of the staff chooses to do hybrid work. Someone is always in the office, but rarely is everyone in. A hair salon shares the building with us, and some of the staff choose to schedule appointments there over lunch or after work. The other day, an employee I supervise had a hair appointment scheduled over lunch. I didn’t realize that she was planning to have her hair dyed and that it would take longer then a regular break. Instead of taking extra time off, she came back to work in the middle of the appointment with a cape and dye cap. I’m pretty flexible with taking personal time and working flexible schedules, but this seemed pretty unprofessional to me. I didn’t address it in the moment, but did speak with the employee the next day about how that type of thing could interrupt focus. The employee said they didn’t think it was a problem to pop back into the office for 15 minutes while the dye set. Did I overreact, and should I document this in case of future issues?

In most offices, it would be pretty reasonable to expect that employees not to come to work with hair salon capes and dye caps on. I get her thinking — she just had to sit around and wait and her office was right next door so why not go back and get some work done? — but it’s not unreasonable to want to keep your office feeling like an office, not a spa. Plus, hair dye smells.

It doesn’t rise to the level of something you should need to document —you’ve spoken to her, she knows now not to do it, and formal documentation would be overkill — but it was reasonable to explain she shouldn’t do it again.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. My boss wants us to spend a Saturday playing games in a park

My boss wants to do a team on-site. It’s taking place over a few days, including a social event on Saturday. A few others already said they won’t be able to make it for the weekend event. She then said the Saturday event can be optional but she strongly recommends that people attend. It’s 11-6 pm. It will be at some local park with games and probably some food that people are supposed to volunteer to bring. It’s not planned out yet. A location hasn’t been decided, just the date. She wants us to all help plan it as a team. Am I overreacting that I think this is ridiculous? Some of us have families. Is there a way to share feedback or should I just drop it?

No, you’re not overreacting. If your manager thinks it’s valuable for your team spend a day playing games in a park, she should use a work day for it. (But she’s not, because at some level she knows it’s not not worth using work time on.)

Ideally a bunch of your coworkers would push back on this — saying you have other commitments on the weekends/can’t attend and suggesting it be during work hours if it’s important. If enough of you say it, she may drop it. But if she won’t budge, you can either say you won’t be there or (if your sense is that you’ll be penalized in some way for not showing up at all) you could drop by for an hour and say that’s all the time you have open that weekend.

3. Recruiter wants me to pay them to find me a job

I am a product manager who recently received a LinkedIn connection request from a recruiter that said the following: “I’m a manager at _______, a career accelerator. If you’re looking for a job in product management, we can help you. We work on an Income Share Agreement where you’ll pay us 9% of the first year’s salary ONLY if you land a job. Let me know if you’re interested.”

This seems bonkers to me. Is this a common new recruitment model? I’ve googled around but only seemed to find blogs from companies that DO this model touting it. I am curious if you have heard of it and what your thoughts are.

It’s a sleazy and predatory model. Reputable recruiters are paid by employers, not candidates. If you want to hire someone to coach you through a job search, that’s a different thing — but that should be for a flat fee, not a percentage of your future earnings. (Also, I’d be awfully concerned about whether they’re going to claim part of your salary even if you find a job completely on your own, arguing it was their coaching that allowed you to.)

4. What to do if a coworker saves your life

This is an actually hypothetical question, thank goodness, but: what do you consider the appropriate response if a coworker saves your life? (In any number of ways, I suppose, but I’m thinking specifically of “performing CPR til the paramedics arrive” or a similar action.)

Is there a level of gift or favor that seems appropriate? Or does one just express heartfelt gratitude and do their best to look out for that person’s interest in the workplace and outside it, regardless of any previous difficulty in the relationship? Essentially, is there a way to express that one is genuinely thankful for an act with such huge personal impact, without being trapped in a transactional nightmare?

I recognize that this would be a better question if I presented a more specific set of circumstances, but honestly it’s just something that occurred to me while stopped by an ambulance on my morning commute. But I’m still curious to know what you think.

I don’t think there’s one right answer to this! Partly because it’s such a rare situation, and partly because what will feel right will differ from person to person and from situation to situation. My bias is always that a heartfelt expression of gratitude is more meaningful than a physical token of said gratitude (in a variety of situations, not just this one), but when we’re talking about a real-life situation with real-life specifics, often other things can feel right too — a really nice meal out, a bottle of the person’s favorite wine, or whatever feels right based on your knowledge of the person and your relationship with them. Something like that isn’t required, but if something comes to mind that you know the person will appreciate, there’s no reason not to give it.

I wouldn’t worry that it will trap you in a transactional nightmare — like they save your life, you respond with a bottle of wine, they respond by pointing out a suspicious mole you should get checked out, you give them a card… It’s likely to just be the first two and then general ongoing good will from there.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should the interviewer dress up?

I’m a fairly senior manager interviewing candidates over Zoom for professional positions (e.g., accountants, lawyers) at my tech company. Our company is fairly informal and I generally wear t-shirts and hoodies and have my hair in a ponytail. But I’m wondering if I should dress a little better, wear some makeup when I interview. Does it look unprofessional or disrespectful to dress so casually when candidates are so dressed up?

I think it’s in everyone’s interests if you show interviewees what things will be like if they work there, so by that standard it’s good to demonstrate what the culture is around dress. That said, it can also feel imbalanced to be interviewing someone who’s in a suit while you’re in a hoodie.

I’d advocate including a mention of your dress code in your interview invitations — like “our dress code is informal (t-shirts, jeans, etc.) and you’re welcome to dress casually for this meeting if you’d like to.” Just make sure anyone else interviewing your candidates knows you gave that guidance, so no one gets penalized for following it.

2. My boss patronizes us

How do I deal with a boss who uses heart-eye emojis and says she is proud of us? It’s infuriating, patronizing, and just feels off. Example, a message from her via Teams to the whole team: “Thank you guys for being flexible this weekend. You are super, I’m so proud of you! 😍”

Note: we work in health care (dealing with national crisis, short-staffed, and in the middle of a desperate war negotiating higher salaries), and we are mostly women in our 30-40’s. It’s difficult to imagine she would talk that way if we were men in a technical field, for example.

Is this an issue? If so, how should she communicate instead? I get that she is trying to show appreciation, but at least for me, this is definitely not working.

That does sound patronizing and irritating, and I agree it’s unlikely she’d say it to a group of men. The first part — “thank you for being flexible this weekend” — is good. It’s the “You are super, I’m so proud of you!” that feels like she’s talking to kindergarteners.

That said, it doesn’t rise to the level of you needing to do something about it. It’s just an annoying trait she has. If you’re ever asked to give feedback about her management style, it’s something you could mention … but otherwise I’d just roll your eyes and save your capital for other things (which it sounds like there’s no shortage of).

Read an update to this letter. 

3. I can’t afford to go to an event recognizing my work

My colleagues and I have been working really hard over the last year on a pretty big project and we’ve been invited to a national awards event as recognition. The event is far away enough to be expensive and awkward to get to, but not far enough away that my organization would pay for an overnight stay.

I would love to go! I’ve worked really hard on this project and it’s the first piece of real recognition I’ve had for my efforts. BUT, I just can’t afford it. I can’t afford the travel expenses (which may or may not be reimbursed as it’s an optional weekend evening event), and I absolutely can’t afford to buy a formal gown appropriate for a gala event. I’m torn between claiming a previous engagement and being honest with my manager about the reason I can’t go — that it’s too much expense for my limited budget to handle.

My manager is a good person who would be horrified this is the barrier for me to attend. At the same time, I would hate to be so vulnerable and then be met with “okay, no problem.” I want to go (the networking opportunities alone would be fantastic) but I also have to pay my bills. Any thoughts on how to navigate the realities of being poor in an industry not noted for its inclusivity?

You should be matter-of-fact about it! “I’d love to go, but the travel expenses and an appropriate dress are out of my budget.” There’s nothing shameful about that! And don’t be upset by the prospect of “okay, no problem” in response — while ideally they would cover your travel expenses (and who knows, by saying this you might find out that they will), it would be pretty unusual for an employer to cover the cost of something to wear, so “okay, no problem” would just mean “I understand, sorry to hear it” not “too bad for you, peasant!”

(But also, make sure you’re right that you’d need a formal gown! A lot of these events are business formal — meaning suits or business dresses — rather than social formal.)

Read an update to this letter. 

4. My colleagues are pushy about my travel logistics when I spend an extra night in a location

I’m a mid-career six-figure professional in a white-collar office job. My previous roles have sometimes had up to 80% travel (three weeks out of four back to back or similar) and I’ve almost always booked my own flights, either directly or through a third-party expense system. I consider various factors like what time the first event is on day 1 and the last event on the last day, the cost of flights during the week vs. weekend (this can sometimes be hundreds of dollars less), how expensive flights are at certain times (again, this can add up to hundreds of dollars in savings), non-stop or direct flights vs. multiple legs, and hotel check-out time, transportation to the job site, and how feasible it is to be lugging luggage around all day to check out of the hotel in the morning. I try to balance it all out and get the best possible deal for the company with the minimum amount of pain and inconvenience for myself.

However, recently I had a day where my final event on site ended at around noon. Multiple people asked me, “Oh, are you flying back today?” I was not — it so happened for reasons I detailed above, it made more sense to spend the night and fly back first thing in the morning. It left me rattled and annoyed though, like I was missing something. People were advising me to call the airline and switch and were just so pushy and obtuse about it.

Am I the baddie here? It seems so odd to me that these people (peers or one level above me) were so pushy and insistent on this and concerned with it, and the most important, pressing thing in the world was for me to be on a plane the second the meeting was over. What is the norm or expectation for when the flight is, post-event, if the event is less than a full office day?

Are you sure people weren’t pushing you to fly back that day out of concern for you, rather than the company’s finances? People often make this sort of remark when they’re trying to look out for you and your quality of life — the subtext is “don’t feel you need to stay away from home another night!” If it’s clear that’s not what they meant and they are in fact concerned that you are being profligate with the organization’s money, you can just say, “Nope, I’ve run the numbers; this is the most economical way to do it.” But it’s highly likely that they’re just feeling protective of you.

5. Can my employer dock my PTO even if I worked extra hours earlier in the week?

I live and work remotely in the state of Florida and I’m an exempt employee. I’m a manager of people. I Iog my billing and not billable hours daily.

Can my employer dock my time off when I work more than 40 hours in less than a week if I’m salaried and I ensure all deliverables are met? If I work 45 hours in four business days and decide to take half day off on a Friday (the hours are now 49) ensuring all deliverables are met, can my employer dock my PTO hours?

If I work 46 hours in five business days and I was responsibly unavailable for three hours in one day due to a medical appointment, can my employer legally dock my sick time?

Yes to all of those scenarios. Being exempt means that your employer can’t dock your pay when you work less than a full week (except in some narrowly defined circumstances), but they can dock your PTO even if you worked additional hours in the rest of the week. This is a bad practice (you get no credit a day where you work extra hours, but docked on a day when you work fewer — it’s unfair), but it’s also weirdly common.

Related: can my employer dock my time off when I work less than 40 hours if I’m salaried?
my manager is nickeling and diming me on vacation time while I’m working 27 days in a row