Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A spooky spider dilemma

I work at an after-school club, and I am in charge of organizing the Halloween party this year.

One of my assistants, Hanna, has a fear of spiders. I was aware of this, but only in a peripheral way — in the same way that you’d overhear someone mention, say, that they didn’t like big dogs. It’s turned out to be much more serious than that. Hanna has had a full-blown phobia of them. If the word “spider” is so much as mentioned in Hanna’s presence, she has to leave the room to calm her nerves (fortunately it’s not a word that comes up very often in conversation).

Unfortunately the kids have been spending the past couple of weeks preparing an interactive activity featuring a huge spiderweb and a huge, malevolent looking spider. They are very proud of it, and can’t wait to show it off.

Hanna was not aware of this at all, because she only works twice a week. She will be assisting at the party. I took her aside to give her a heads-up about the spider. To my surprise, she simply got up and left the room without saying a word. (She returned 10 minutes later, acting as if nothing had happened, but she didn’t look very well.)

Would it be fair to ask her to refrain from attending the party? Her own children will be there. She’d also lose some pay and we need all the hands we can get on deck. Should I cancel the spider exhibit? That hardly seems fair on the kids, who’ve worked so hard on it. We are renting a space, so using a separate room is not an option. In short, how far do I need to go to accommodate Hanna’s phobia?

Ask her if she’d like to skip the party … she presumably does. I know you need all hands on deck, but if she had to leave the room for 10 minutes after a single mention of the spider, it’s very unlikely that she’s going to be very helpful at a party with a huge malevolent looking spider as a centerpiece. If you can find someone else to help out (a parent maybe?), go that route — but either way it doesn’t sound like you should expect Hanna to attend.

2. Coworker insists on texting while driving

I semi-regularly go on car trips to clients with a coworker who is higher up but in a different department than me. Say, he’s the sales manager who squares away the contract and discusses warranty terms while I’m the technician who does the product install. He’s recently taken up the terrifying habit of texting while driving; furthermore, he insists on driving even though I’ve expressed I’m perfectly willing to. How should I approach this? Should I talk to him directly (softly as in “you seem busy, why don’t I drive from now on” or hard as in “this is really dangerous and I’d appreciate if you stopped”) or should I go through my boss (his equivalent in my department) first?

Actually, your “hard” example isn’t firm enough — your message shouldn’t be just that you’d appreciate if he’d stop, but rather that you need him to stop if you’re going to continue to ride with him, period. For example: “Texting while you drive is really dangerous, and so I’m going to plan on driving us going forward. It’s a personal rule I have.” If he balks at that, you should insist on driving yourself separately (just like you’d hopefully do if he were insisting on driving drunk — and it’s worth noting that some studies show texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving). Keep using the “it’s a personal rule I have” language if you need to.

You should also tell your boss why you won’t ride with this coworker anymore (like you’d also hopefully do if your colleague were driving drunk).

And keep in mind that you don’t need to wait for anyone’s permission (your colleague’s or your boss’s) to keep yourself out of an unsafe vehicle.

3. Was I the last choice for my job?

I have been working as an admin at a medium-sized church for over a year now. I applied for the job just coming out of Covid quarantine, a few months after my husband left me, with a brand new infant. I had needed a job that would be comfortable with a single mother’s schedule. I moved to a new town and began working here, and it has honestly been lovely. Everyone has been so friendly and supportive! I love being here and I hope I do my job well.

Today, while filing, I stumbled upon some paperwork about the posting for my job last year. It pretty much stated that I was the only acceptable candidate who applied; there had been quite a few others they offered the job to before me, but those candidates turned the position down for various reasons. I am trying to put it from my mind, but I am plagued by the thought … was I the last choice? Did they even want me for this job, or did they just have no other options? Am I not good enough to be here?

They were probably thrilled to get you. That’s not me blowing smoke up your ass — it sounds like they had trouble hiring for the role and then they found you, thought you were well matched for the job, and were able to hire you. That’s a success!

Hiring processes are often rocky and it’s not at all unusual for an employer to hire their second, third, or even fourth choice and be completely happy to do it. Hiring isn’t like looking for a soul mate; it’s not like you have one candidate you match with and hiring anyone else will mean you’re settling. There are often multiple candidates who an employer would be happy to hire, and if the first few turn them down and they hire someone else, they pretty much never think about those earlier candidates again. The same is true if you were the only good enough candidate at the time you were hired — they thought you could do the job, you accepted it, everyone wins, and it’s highly unlikely that they’re thinking of you as “the only person we could get.” They’re thinking of you as “Jane, our team member” (and hopefully “Jane, our awesome team member”).

4. Inviting employees to see my band

I play music in a cover band, and in the past I’ve invited people from work to hear us perform. I won’t claim that we’re world-class performers, but we play songs people know and people seem to have had a good time. Some of my coworkers have even seen us more than once and have invited other people from work to go, so some of our shows have been pretty well-represented by my coworkers (say, 15 people or so).

This was all well and good in years past, but I’ve since become a department head, and my gut tells me that it’s now awkward to mention specific shows I’ll be playing, because it could create the impression that there is pressure for people in my department to go, which I don’t want to do. Is there a way to invite coworkers to come to our shows without making it weird, or should that formally be relegated to the past?

Yeah, as a department head you’ve got to worry not only about people feeling pressured to go, but also about employees worrying that coworkers who attend will be favored in some way over those who don’t (even if only with the extra face time at the shows). If you’re generally known as a fair and reasonable manager, I don’t think it needs to be an enormous worry, but you’re right to be sensitive to it.

Can you switch to a model where you don’t proactively announce upcoming shows but just share the info with anyone who asks for it? However, if that means that you end up with more face time with people who attend, be deliberate about ensuring that doesn’t give them an advantage others don’t have: don’t let social conversations at a show turn into work discussions where decisions are made, find ways to give others equal time with you during the workday, etc. (And if that turns out to be overthinking it, great. The risks of overthinking it are a lot less than the risks of under-thinking it!)

5. I’ll be out for a vasectomy; what should I tell my team?

I’m a new manager, and I have a small, fairly close-knit team in a medium-sized organization. In a few weeks, I’ll be taking a couple days off to get a vasectomy. For almost any other health thing, I would likely just mention to my team, “I’m off to get fillings at the dentist” or “I’m starting to feel a little sick to my stomach; I better head home!” But for this, obviously, I don’t want to be uncomfortably specific AND I don’t want anyone to worry! Can you think of an approach that makes sense?

“I’ll be out for a few days for a minor medical thing.” If you want, you can add, “Nothing to worry about, just something I need to take care of.” That’s it! It’s actually good to model that for your team so they realize they don’t need to disclose their own medical details either.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee quit after decorating expense disaster

I hired an employee in February. When she started, our reception area and conference room were very bare, and I gave her a budget of $3,000 to decorate the office. I gave her two company credit cards to use, and asked her to use them because i didn’t want to mess around with reimbursements. However, she put many items on her personal cards and then asked to be reimbursed. I did so by check twice, then in April reminded her to use the company cards and told her to submit any remaining reimbursement requests right away. I reminded her of this process in June and July. She never did. (I suspect this was because she had already gone well over the original $3,000 budget.)

After several months of increasingly odd/erratic behavior, last week I met with the employee to see what was going on. She blew up at me and quit in a fit of rage. It was shocking, but I gave her time to collect her personal items. She emailed me three days later with a list of other “personal items” she wanted to come collect. These were all clearly items she bought for the office but never put in for reimbursement. My instinct was to say that she’s not entitled to come collect these office items, and that the failure to timely put in her expenses does not make the items personal items. But was wondering if you had any thoughts?

If she paid for them and you haven’t reimbursed her, those are indeed her items! Even if they were clearly bought for the office and even though she ignored your reminders to submit reimbursements. If she brought them in and you haven’t paid for them, they’re hers. That’s true even if they’re obviously not the sort of thing anyone would buy for their home — even if it’s name plaques for other people or a fancy door number for your suite. If she paid and you didn’t, it’s hers. (Do make sure that the items on her list really are things you didn’t already reimburse, of course. And you could offer to reimburse her for them now if that would make more sense.)

For what it’s worth, the idea of someone going way over the office decorating budget while using their own money and then never submitting for reimbursement is … strange. The whole thing is so odd that it’s worth reflecting on what happened with this employee and whether there were signs you should have intervened earlier or more assertively. (Maybe there weren’t — but whenever something blows up spectacularly, it’s always good to do that reflection. Hell, even when there’s not a spectacular blow-up and a hire just doesn’t work out, it’s good to do that.)

2. Can my wealthy family donate to my nonprofit employer?

A few months ago I started a new job at a nonprofit. My org is one of many nonprofits working in a particular field, but external evaluators have identified us as one of the best nonprofits in this field in the world.

My dad is pretty rich (tens of millions) and quite philanthropic. He’s made significant, long-term gifts to other nonprofits in this field. I think those donations would be better spent if he gave them to my organization instead; we’re better than the places he’s currently donating to! He has a high opinion of my org, and I think I could convince him to learn more about our work and consider donating.

I cannot overstate how much I care about this cause area, and I truly believe that my dad’s choice of where to donate will make a difference in the world. But also, my inherited financial privilege has already given me a million unfair advantages, and I really really really don’t want to add to that.

My org has a development team that works with donors. I am not part of this team and they don’t directly supervise me (I’m on the program side). Is there a way for my dad to talk to them to learn more about the org without it affecting my role there, like if I asked Development to keep it secret from my supervisor and anyone else in management? (I think talking to them would significantly increase the likelihood that he donates.) Or is the only safe option for him to donate anonymously through a third party, without telling even Development who he is?

Well … the organization will be glad to have the money, momentarily glad that you working there is what brought it to them, and then forever afterwards uneasy about you being an employee. It can be really tricky to employ the family member of a major donor; they’ll have to worry about whether your reactions to things at work will affect future donations, they might limit what you’re exposed to if there’s something they don’t want to risk reaching a big donor, they’ll feel much less able to give you really candid feedback if there are problems, firing or laying you off will be seriously fraught if it can even be considered at all, and your coworkers will assume you’re getting special treatment, whether or not you are.

So yes, the best way to do it would be for your dad to donate anonymously or after you’re no longer working there.

3. My resignation imploded

I turned in my two week notice on Thursday the 6th at noon and said my last day would be Tuesday the 18th. My boss freaked out and said I was “stabbing him in the back” after all they’ve done for me, that it wasn’t even a “full” two-week notice, and that this was “not very Christian of me.” I’m leaving because I have Crohn’s Disease (which he knows about) and the job has gotten much harder for me after having Covid. I’ve found a job that’s still in our niche industry but is much easier physically and one where I won’t be out at a job site in the winter time.

I will say this though. If I had any doubts about my decision, I don’t now after he said that to me. I offered to come in next week on Wednesday (which I haven’t been working due to my illness) and to push my last day to Wednesday the 19th but must be off at noon for an appointment. So AITA? Was this too short of a notice?

No. It’s true that you didn’t give a full two weeks — but only by a day! That is really not a big deal — and even more so since you’re normally out on Wednesdays anyway (the “missing” day). Your boss’s reaction — stabbing him in the back! not very Christian of you! (WTF?) — is bizarrely over-the-top. We’re talking about a single day. A single day!

You are fine and he is a loon.

Read an update to this letter. 

4. Can I suggest my interviewer hire my friend instead?

I have an interview coming up for a job that I’m not at all sure is going to be a good fit for me. (I know, that’s what the interview is to find out and I do have a list of questions to ask them.) Yesterday I was talking with a good friend who I didn’t realize is looking for a new job. The position would be so perfect for her! Is it okay, if I get to the end of the interview and am not interested, to hand them her resume and recommend they get in touch? Is that a thing?

You can do that! It might be a little odd to whip out her resume right on the spot, but you could email them afterwards, say you reflected on the job and it’s not for you, but here’s a candidate who might be exactly what they’re looking for. (Make sure your friend is interested first to save everyone some time, though.)

Read an update to this letter. 

5. Interviewer asked if they could call my references, but nothing has happened

What’s the best way to handle post-interview, when the interviewer asks, “Okay if we call your references?” and “We’ll let you know one way or another in the next couple of weeks” and my references have told me none have been contacted and it’s now been five weeks, and not a word? I did a follow-up thank-you the day after the interview.

You can check in by email and ask if they can update you on their timeline for next steps. But after that, you’ve got to just assume you’ve been ghosted and move on. Unfortunately it’s really, really common for employers to ghost candidates, even after multiple interviews and even after telling you they’ll definitely get back to you in X amount of time.

Also, a lot of interviewers routinely ask “Okay if we call your references?” at a certain stage in the process without it meaning they are definitely going to. They’re getting your permission/notifying you that they’re reaching that stage in case they decide to move you forward, not committing to doing it — something candidates often don’t realize.