how to tell an assistant, “just fix the problem!”

by Alison Green on November 28, 2022

A reader writes:

Soon after I started, I hired a new assistant, Amy. She’s been here a few months. It’s going okay but I’m trying to figure out which of the following things are worth trying to fix with her, and which are just personal quirks and to let it go. She excels in other areas of the job.

1) Amy constantly tells you the process she is taking to fix a problem, instead of just fixing it. Example: I tell Amy to find out the status of X document. Amy calls Bob, who isn’t there. Amy reports back that Bob isn’t there and asks if she should keep calling around (yes). Amy calls Sue, who isn’t there, and again asks if she should keep calling around (yes). This happened yesterday literally five times while Amy called various people until she got someone. This is a daily issue.

2) She schedules a lot of meetings for me, and she said in the interview that she had experience with that. Well, she seems to get constantly stressed about it. I’d like to decrease her stress about this, but it is also a primary function of the job.

3) Frequently she has questions about the job or a policy that I don’t know about (and honestly don’t need to know about — for example, I don’t know how we order toner). When these things come up, I will say “I don’t know, ask Dave or Sue.” But she will continue to discuss what the problem is, even after I say this. I’ve started reiterating, “Again, I don’t know, ask Dave or Sue” and then walking into my office to keep working.

Since Amy started, I’m spending probably 45-60 minutes a day on these items. Suggestions? Since she is new, I’d like to start off on the right foot and she is doing great in most areas.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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update: I started a business with two coworkers and I’m doing all the work

by Alison Green on November 28, 2022

It’s the launch of “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Every day from now until the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

We have so many updates this year that I’m going to be posting six to seven times a day for the next several weeks — so keep checking back throughout the entire day.

To kick us off…

Remember the letter-writer had started a business with two coworkers but was doing all the work herself? Here’s the update.

I have a good update to this letter!

I wrote in asking for a script on how to wrest control from my business partners, but you will probably remember me more for having a business without a bank account. Allison’s advice, and most of the commentariat, said to reconsider whether I wanted to be in business with these guys. One commenter asked me if I even was cut out to be a business owner. That hurt a little to read, but it really prompted a deep self-reflection where I realized that yes, I do want to run this business and I’m invested in it. (I also had a lot of people wondering WTF my job was. While I’m still not comfortable saying it because it’s very specific, I promise we were not screwing over any vendors or customers. The service we provide is subscription-based and people still received the service.)

So, right after my letter was posted I took action. I had this mindset of “we’re a small business, we have to do everything ourselves” but that isn’t always true. Clearly we’re not good at money so we need help with it! I set up a meeting with a bookkeeper to get us sorted out. I basically told her, “Look, here’s where we’re at, and if you don’t want to work with us, that’s okay.” She fortunately did want to work with us and has been so helpful! I pushed my cofounders to set a date to set up a bank account, and I’m so glad to report we do have a bank account now. I also had a budgeting session with our bookkeeper because frankly I had no idea what our financial situation looked like, and she reassured me that we are doing fine and while we’re on a tight budget, we are not on a shoestring, which was great to hear! I’ve since set up meetings with people who can help improve our business since our bookkeeper projected we could afford it, so that’s been exciting. I also let the guys know that I’m basically taking the lead on one of the projects, for which they expressed appreciation.

Recently, though, the tipping point was when James called me livid about Sam’s performance at one of the elements of our job. Essentially, Sam keeps taking on more tasks than he can realistically handle and refusing multiple offers for us to take over and help. This time, he let something slip that we’d paid a consultant to help us with, which felt like a gigantic waste of money. James raised all the same concerns of Sam’s performance that I’d been struggling with internally, and I could not believe that it wasn’t just me feeling this way! And I was really inspired by seeing James begin to take it more seriously than it seemed he had been all along. We had a come-to-Jesus meeting with Sam where we told him we would need to take the task away from him. He emphasized how much he wanted to do that specific task, so we took another job function away from him instead, one that he enjoyed less but felt compelled to do because he doesn’t want to disappoint us. We realized that Sam wants to feel important and not let anyone down, so we reminded him that it lets us down more for things not to get done. I felt that I was being kind of harsh with Sam: he’s obviously sensitive about his output and his perceived shortcomings compared to James and I, and as a result he takes on WAY more work than he can handle–and then doesn’t handle it. So we basically told him to stop doing that. It’s working out well so far: last week he delegated something to me! I think getting our act together really helped us get excited about this project again, and I’ve realized that I was being a little arrogant about the amount of work I do: we all do a lot of work and it does take each of us to make this happen.

Thanks to everyone who gave me the wake-up call I needed. Ultimately I really believe in the product we’re bringing and I want to be doing this. I hope this is a satisfying update! If I can give some advice to other entrepreneurs: don’t feel the need to do every single thing yourself, delegate when you can, communicate honestly and often with your business partners, and open the damn bank account before anything else.

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coworker asks about my personal finances, gender differences in dress codes, and more

by Alison Green on November 28, 2022

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker asks about my personal finances

I work in an education-related industry that’s not known for having particularly high salaries. I’m on the younger end of my workplace, and it’s the kind of place where I might be in the same role as someone decades older than me. That said, my spouse works in a better-paying industry, so with two incomes and no kids, we’re comfortable financially in a way some of my coworkers — even those who’ve been working longer than me — might not be.

I have one coworker who is socially difficult in a variety of ways. One of those ways is that she really likes to talk and complain about money. I’m fine with this if we’re talking about it as it relates to our specific jobs and salaries; I think it’s important to know how other people in the company are compensated. I’m not comfortable with this when it relates to our personal situations. I don’t really want to know all the specifics of her personal debts and financial woes, which she shares in our social team meetings (with 8-10 people in them). I also don’t want to answer the questions she asks in these same meetings, which include “how much did you pay for your house,” “how much did you put down on your house,” and, in response to so many casual comments, from getting my dog spayed to plumbing repairs, “how much did that cost?” I mostly sidestep, don’t give amounts, or — in situations where I feasibly can — ignore these comments.

She’s also above me in the hierarchy and kind of bad at reading social cues, so saying things like, “Oh, I don’t really like to talk about that kind of thing at work” doesn’t do anything more than stop a specific question. She’s right back at it the next meeting.

Because she’s above you in the hierarchy, you probably can’t make her stop sharing her own financial information— especially when she’s sharing with a group, not just you — but you can and should enforce boundaries on what you’re willing (and not willing) to share. If she asks you what you paid for something, it’s fine to say, “I’m private about money” or “that seems really personal to me” or “I’d rather not talk about my personal finances at work” or so forth.

2. Gender differences in dress codes

Many years ago I was in a business networking group focusing on people under 30. One of my fellow members was asked to develop a dress code to add formality in his business. I don’t remember the details, but it was a small, customer-facing financial firm of some sort.

His proposed men’s dress code amounted to, “Business professional: jackets and ties. Consult your manager if you have questions.” But for women he had about five pages of detail. Almost everything had both a minimum and a maximum — heels at least this high but no higher than that, skirts at least this long but no longer than that, etc. There was no option for zero jewelry or zero makeup.

Those of us in the club argued with him, of course, but his response was, “There’s a standard for ‘business professional’ for men, and men have a shared understanding of what it is. There are a lot more options for women, and when I talk to women, they give me different definitions of what ‘business professional’ means, so I’m just trying to provide guidance.”

So: if you were in that conversation, what would you be telling him to do, and how would you be supporting your argument?

With the law! For example: “It’s only legal to have different dress codes for men and women as long as they don’t create more of a burden on one sex than the other. Your proposed dress code is significantly more of a burden on women and thus is discriminatory. It’s both ethically wrong and would open you up to legal liability.”

Also, women can be fully professional without makeup or jewelry and while wearing flat shoes, so something’s going on with him that has nothing to do with business standards.

3. Husband’s relationship with a female coworker

My husband seems to find a female coworker very ambitious and great friend material.
When she asked if he would bring his wife to the Christmas party where all partners are invited, he just responded “I’ll let you know if she comes along” when we had decided that I would come to the party and I still am going to the party. He seems to like the mind game of keeping her unanswered. Is this a red flag or is there a possibility of this developing into something else?

Yes, it is a red flag that your husband is downplaying your attendance and possibly your role/your relationship when talking with this coworker. For some reason, he’s choosing not to signal that your relationship is a solid one where you show up as his partner to social events.

To be clear, this does not mean that people who don’t attend their partners’ holiday parties don’t have solid relationships. But when he knows you are indeed attending, his desire to diminish that demonstration of couplehood is suspect.

4. Telling a candidate we went with someone we liked better

I recently conducted interviews for a role on my team. All five candidates were fantastic. Their qualifications were comparable and I could see them all doing well in the role.

I extended the offer to one candidate who I and the rest of the hiring panel clicked with really well. He was kind, friendly, and polite. It’s not that the other candidates didn’t exhibit these qualities — they did! — but this particular individual gave off … I don’t know, the best vibe? Of all five candidates, I liked this one’s personality the most. I feel like a bastard saying that since I know you can’t gauge someone’s true personality from an interviewer alone, but with equal time spent with each candidate, this is all I have to go off of.

One candidate asked for feedback after we informed them that the offer was extended to someone else. I explained that although they would be great in the role, the offer was extended to someone with slightly more experience. It’s not that this wasn’t true, because it was, but it’s not the reason this person wasn’t selected. I just didn’t know what else to say!

How do you explain to a rejected candidate that someone else got the job because basically you just liked them better, without actually saying that?

You don’t need to say you liked the other person better; instead, explain that you had multiple highly qualified finalists and only one slot. For example: “We had several exceptionally qualified finalists, including you, and the decision was a tough one. We could only hire one person for this role, but I have no doubt that you would have been an asset on our team and would welcome applications from you in the future.”

5. Jobs that want reference letters before you’ve even been interviewed

I just applied for a job in higher ed (STEM support role), which warned me my references would be contacted immediately after I submitted the application. Apparently my references got an automated email requesting a whole letter of reference. This is obnoxious, right? Please tell me this is just a higher ed quirk and other sectors aren’t doing this!

Yep, it’s obnoxious. It’s also terribly inconsiderate to the references, who are being asked to spend time writing letters (a much bigger time commitment than a phone call) for people who haven’t even been through an initial screening yet and who might not even get an interview. It’s rude.

It’s also mostly an academia thing. Not entirely — you occasionally encounter it somewhere else — but mostly. (Most fields don’t do reference letters at all. Academia and law tend to be the main places that do, while most other fields generally use phone calls and only at the finalist stage. Some places use electronic survey forms, which are problematic on multiple fronts, but even then they’re at least not generally sent out until you’re further along in the process.)

 

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weekend open thread – November 26-27, 2022

by Alison Green on November 25, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: My First Popsicle: An Anthology of Food and Feelings, edited by Zosia Mamet. Various people writing about food, including Danny Lavery on the food literary children take when running away, Jia Tolentino on acid chicken, Tony Hale (Gary from Veep!) on his love of chain restaurants, and more.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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open thread – November 25-26, 2022

by Alison Green on November 25, 2022

It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything work-related that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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Thanksgiving free-for-all – November 24, 2022

by Alison Green on November 24, 2022

This comment section is open for any discussion you’d like to have with other readers (work or non-work or possibly even entirely dessert-focused if that’s your bag).

Happy Thanksgiving!

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the baby grand piano, the legend of Buddy, and other tales of holiday woes

by Alison Green on November 23, 2022

All this week I’ve been sharing holiday stories from years past. Here are eight more.

1. The piano

“I work for a nonprofit that currently gets almost all of our funding from one donor, which means if she gets a bee in her bonnet about the way things should be done, we generally try to satisfy that wish. Two years ago, she walked into our holiday party (which my coworker annually nearly kills herself arranging during one of her busiest normal work periods) and looks at the beautiful table of food and wine and all the happy people and says ‘no music?’

So last year, my coworker spent a bunch of extra time working with our IT staff to make sure we can get speakers set up and pipe holiday music into the party. Our donor decides what we *really* need is live music. On a piano. Which we do not have. So she spent much of this fall trying to arrange the loan of a piano (not an upright, mind you, but a baby grand) from another institution to which she donates a bunch of money, which would have required us to completely rearrange that room (and also take up much of the space that made that room great for parties in the first place). Thankfully it appears that the logistic complications of that have finally overwhelmed her desire and the plan has been dropped, but I expect this year’s party will probably remind her again.”

2. The mystery

“Our Christmas party was a catered lunch affair in the biggest conference room with the whole department invited. We were sipping and mingling before the meal when a woman I hadn’t met came up to me and started talking to me about how someone had been unfaithful to her. As she went on she got more tearful and louder and louder until all the talk in the room died down and everyone was staring at the two of us. I had no idea what to do. It took awhile before someone else finally spoke and I gradually realized that the reason I didn’t know this coworker was because she wasn’t a coworker at all but a hired actress who was starting up one of those murder mystery games. I still shudder to remember it.”

3. The toilet brushes

“We do one of those gift exchanges at the party where people draw numbers and can steal each other’s wrapped gifts, and then we all unwrap en masse when the numbers have all been drawn. It’s usually quite raucous with people yelling out suggestions and shaking the packages.

One year it had a surreal element added by the fact that, unknown to us, the hotel had put decorative wrapped “gifts” under the tree in the room we’d rented. Of course people chose them because they were big and pretty. So there was huge confusion at the end when people a) found there were gifts left over and b) started opening to find empty boxes that said TOILET BRUSHES: PACK OF 6 and similar.

We still laugh about it every year, and specify no decorative gifts, please, to the hotel.”

4. The lady on the side

“In the Good Old Days (over 10 years ago by now), my employer used to host a Christmas party at a very popular local dining hall that was well known for throwing spectacular parties and the fabulous, much loved food. All of the employees and one guest were invited so it was probably over 200 people. There were limo rides that drove around town to see the Christmas lights. It was epic and wonderful.

The final year this party was held, there was a comedian as the entertainment. He was typical, snarky observational humor, I remember the act being entertaining. He was nearing the end of his act and he was highlighting members of the audience and finally settled on teasing the plant director (top leader for the location) and was joking about romantic relationships. Somehow he asked if his date, who also worked at the plant, if she was his ‘lady on the side’ and she actually was! It was a very open secret. They both about sunk into the floor and many coworkers about died from the joke.

I miss those parties!”

5. The Christmas countdown

“I once had a coworker who lodged a complaint with her manager’s manager that her manager was making her take her hours to Christmas countdown (yes hours, not days) off a whiteboard that was needed for something else. Wasn’t even like it was the week before Christmas at that point, pretty sure it was at least a month before. She was getting up and changing it a few times a day.”

6. The legend of Buddy

“I don’t normally participate in the office Xmas party. It’s not that I’m a scrooge, but I don’t drink, so being surrounded by my work peers and work supervisors getting progressively inebriated has never really been my idea of fun. To save costs, the Xmas party was always held on a Thursday evening – although exactly what cost savings there actually were given how unproductive everyone was on Friday after is debatable. To partially offset this, even though we didn’t have flex-time, at your manager’s discretion, you could come in any time up to 10 am on the Friday morning.

There’s a wonderful story-telling technique known as Rashomon-style which I got to experience every year, as people came in at staggered start times (and sometimes staggering themselves) with tales of what had happened the previous evening. Being the only one not attending, this meant I got to hear the same story from multiple points of view and able to piece together some truly eventful… uh… events.

My favourite involved a young man who was known for being so quiet and conscientious at work he flew under the radar of most people. Few people outside of his immediate team knew much about him. After one Xmas party, everyone knew his name. We’ll call him Buddy.

Like many of the stories already listed, the office Xmas party featured a limited drinks voucher scheme and a set table seating layout. Buddy was put on a table with a coworker who didn’t drink anyway and a woman who was about four months pregnant. So they gifted Buddy their vouchers. Apparently, a few others did the same.

He let his hair down and had a very good time, including revealing that he had a subtle and sharp sense of humor. The vouchers kept coming, and so did the stories.

Shortly before 10 pm (the party having started at 7 pm) one of the managers realised Buddy should probably go home since he was lying *under* his table. So he was poured into a taxi — and promptly got straight out the other side and back into the party before the manager could finish giving the driver the address. This happened twice.

The fresh air had apparently given Buddy his second wind because instead of going back to sleep under the table, he was now attempting to dance on *top* of the table.

He was eventually taken home at 1 am by the first manager’s wife (doesn’t work at the same company and had arrived to pick up her husband).

So, that, I thought was the end of the adventure. This was the last Friday before Xmas itself, and nobody really expected to see Buddy again until the New Year. When 10am rolled around and there was no sign of him, no one was surprised. Then 10:15 am ticks by and the door opens. A clean, freshly-shaven, ironed-shirted Buddy walks into the office. It’s an open-plan floor, so he made it to the second bank of desks in stunned silence. He didn’t quite make it to his own desk before the entire floor erupted in a standing ovation! A legend was born.”

7. The cranberry usurper

“In the pre-Covid days we had a Thanksgiving potluck. I signed up to bring pumpkin pie bars.

Well, I was doing my potluck cooking while also doing my Friendsgiving cooking, making my pie and some cranberry sauce at the same time. In a moment where I forgot how measurements worked I ended up making an absurd amount of cranberry sauce – just over 2 gallons. Friendsgiving was small (6 people) and my family is small (5 people) so I figured I’d pack up half the sauce and bring it to the work potluck since I had it.

This was the wrong decision.

Our office manager had apparently signed up for cranberry sauce and HOW DARE I try to take over her item. She gave the expected greeting to the potluck lunch, burst into tears and then called me out for ‘being disrespectful’ and ‘humiliating her’ and asked me to please come up and throw away my ‘usurper cranberries.’

I did go put them at my desk because WTF but also people still talk about this.”

8. The overindulgence

“Young coworker overindulges in alcohol, and somehow manages to miss that the company was offering a car service to help folks get home safely. Proceeds to wander drunkenly through the city trying to make it home, but ends up running into some bad sorts trying to accost him. In trying to escape, gets completely banged up — cuts, bruises, blood, and filthy torn clothing. At this point coworker is so disoriented that he’s not sure how to get home, so he decides to lay down in back of pickup truck parked on the street (this is December, so probably 40 degrees outside). An hour or two later the truck owner spots him, and thinks its a homeless guy so he chases him off. He forgets his bag which has his MetroCard, so he decides to go back to work and sleep it off under his desk.

Meanwhile, truck owner sees the nice bag left behind and thinks it was stolen so he calls the cops, who then go to the address … where young coworker lives with a now panic-stricken mother. The panic doesn’t abate when no one at work has seen him for hours … until he stumbles out from his desk around 11 am. The second coworker this happened to didn’t have the pickup truck incident, but managed to unwittingly leave a trail of blood throughout the office. And yep, everyone was freaking out about him as well for a few hours until he woke up. Needless to say, they both earned corporate reputations that I wouldn’t want to have!”

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the cake hoarder, the missing egg, and other stories of holiday mayhem

by Alison Green on November 23, 2022

All this week I’ve been sharing holiday stories from years past. Here are 10 more.

1. The stench

“Years ago I worked at a cookware company. Every year the owners gave us a week off with pay, an amazing Xmas party at a restaurant, and a fresh turkey. One coworker who wished mightily to be a ladies man (it is possible that his corduroy pants with little fox heads on them worked against him) received a turkey. Most of us cooked them quickly, he popped his into the trunk of his car and forgot about it. Months later a vile miasma floated out of his car and no one would accept a ride with him. The stench began to attach onto him no matter how many little pine deodorizers he hung up. Finally he took the car to a mechanic who popped the trunk and discovered a large, pale green, wet mass. The car was never the same.”

2. The statue

“I was invited to my boss’s house for an employee holiday party. This small business was owned by a married couple who were also landlords, so they were pretty wealthy and had a huge house. I was walking around admiring their art when I came across a statue.

A nude statue.

A nude statue of my boss.”

3. Not a pickle

“One year, I was The Pickle Lady. I was obsessed with pickling, especially lacto-fermented pickles. I pickled anything I could get my hands on and, since my pickling was so prolific, I often shared the fruits of my labours with people in the office. I also talked a lot about pickling and would happily offer guidance to anyone seeking the way of the pickle. This also expanded into talking about making vinegars and kombuchas, and I freely offered bits of my SCOBYs to anyone who would ask. I often joked that I was the Queen of Controlled Rotting. In retrospect, I was probably a little obnoxious, but it was all in good fun.

One sweet, lovely coworker watched all of this happen without engaging with me about it much, so she must have misunderstood how fermentation works. She picked me for Secret Santa that year and when the office got together to open gifts, I ended up opening mine near last. It was this beautiful gift bag, just to my taste, and I pulled out my gift to find … a jar of mold. Just grey-green fuzziness throughout the entire jar. I was deeply confused and not originally sure what it was, so I tentatively opened the jar. The smell was eye-watering to say the least, and it quickly spread to those around me. They reacted with a mix of polite confusion, low-key revulsion, and concealed amusement. After a few jokes and confused noises, we all made nice, set the jar of life aside, and moved on with the party.

Later the coworker came to me, red in the face and with tears in her eyes, asking why everyone had hated her gift. I asked her to clarify what it was supposed to be. She said she knew that I loved all this ‘controlled rotting’ business, so she had put some of her favourite foods in a jar and let them go bad in the hopes that I could use the mold to make my own treats. That way it would be like we were making them together. It was so adorable, so endearing, so loving, and so misguided. I thanked her for her intentions and we were eventually able to laugh about the misunderstanding.

Now I love to tell the story of the time I was gifted a jar of mold.”

4. The cake

“Our company ordered in lunch – turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, broccoli casserole, cranberry sauce, and rolls. People brought in desserts. Someone made Paula Deen’s Pumpkin Butter Cake (which, oh.my.GOD if you need a good dessert, make this. Just put a disclaimer about the butter/sugar content because it must be through the roof). I had a little sliver of the pumpkin cake, and thought I would go back later this afternoon to get another taste, because it’s just that good.

A coworker TOOK THE WHOLE DANG THING y’all. As soon as people got through eating, she took the ENTIRE cake. She said, ‘Well, I asked Jane if it was okay’ and then proceeded to take it and the ENTIRE box of leftover rolls back to her desk, stuff them in a bag, and act all put out when someone said, ‘You know, I wanted a little of that.’ Several of us took the opportunity to grab a piece, and she acted as though we were asking for vital organs.”

5. The air fresheners

“We are a retail chain. We sell many, many things, including air fresheners. One particular company, that we have dealt with for many, many years, sells especially well.

As is typical in retail, vendors like to show some appreciation for the business come the holiday season (especially to companies that sell a *lot* of product, and, more importantly, pay their bills on time). This is usually in the form of cards, boxes of chocolate, or those big tin cans of popcorn, all of which are appreciated. There are exceptions. Some like to be … creative.

The air freshener company, one year, sent us a miniature Christmas tree (a pine branch stuck in a pot), that they had sprayed with a new scent called Wintergreen. Very Christmasy. There were two problems. First, they’d used about 1,000,000 times too much. And second, it smelled like armpit. And I mean it *really* smelled like armpit, in the worst ‘been to the gym every day for a week without a shower’ sort of way. Within a couple of minutes, the entire office smelled like armpit. Within a couple more, it was removed (and the company told if they ever sent us one of those again, there would be … consequences).

It should have gone in the trash, of course, but one of my coworkers asked if she could put it in my storage room until the holiday party, where she wrapped it up (well enough to hide the smell, even) and put it in the gift exchange.

It was a very popular idea. It was not a very popular gift.

My store room never really recovered.”

6. The dance

“Our CEO loved hosting the annual Christmas party as he felt it was his personal thank you to all of the employees. He would spend weeks planning out the decorations, tasting food for catering, hand selecting the gifts, and always made sure there was a huge open bar with premium drinks for everyone to enjoy. The party started at 7 pm, ended at 12 am, and then he would do an extended “after hours” party until 2 am. Needless to say, people wound up pretty wasted at these parties and the CEO was the most wasted every year. Luckily, he was a happy go lucky type of drunk who usually just ended up thanking everyone profusely for their work.

One year the dance floor was pumping and everyone was having a grand old time when the DJ decided to play ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life’ (you know, the song from Dirty Dancing). Suddenly the dance floor parted. The CEO stood at one end of the dance floor, zoned into the music. The VP of Sales locked eyes with the CEO and they began to fully run toward each other, each clearly assuming the other would catch him. They leapt into the air with drunken grace and enthusiasm. ::smack:: They landed on the concrete with a smack you could hear over the music and crowd. All we could see was some blood and two bodies trying to untangle.

They had both cracked their heads on the ground and gotten concussions. Neither gentleman wanted an ambulance called so someone’s sober wife packed them into her SUV (each of them with a roadie in-hand) and drove them off to the ER.

The next day we got an email from the CEO with the subject ‘Each Year Gets More Epic’ and a picture of him and the VP of Sales posing together at the ER with stitches on the side of their heads.”

7. The bald spot cake attack

“At the company party at the job before last, one of the senior VPs was clearly fighting with his wife. They mostly mingled with different groups, but their time together was marked by a series of tense, whispered conversations… which must have been a lot tenser than I thought, because the last one culminated in her mashing a slice of cake into his bald spot and storming out the door.”

8. The poop

“Someone pooped in an attorney’s trash can one year during the office party.”

9. The missing egg

“At the last work holiday party I went to, I realized after getting home that somehow the hardboiled egg that I had brought home from work to throw away had slipped out of the silicone ziplock in my bag and was rolling around somewhere, likely under a chair, in the home of the Very Fancy and Accomplished Consultant in My Field who held the party. He is well-known enough that his name comes up pretty frequently at my current job, and I still wonder whether he ever found the egg (did it start to smell??) or a dog ate it. Luckily, I don’t think it was traceable to me (the perfect crime). Just imagine the feeling of horror that dawned on me, a drunk intern, when I got home and opened my bag and realized that the EGG WAS MISSING.”

10. The fist fight

“We had an office fist fight over some particularly smelly cheese.

Not so much a holiday story so much as the aftermath. During my first year as a PhD student, we had a little office party just before we all left for Christmas and someone brought in some very nice cheese and crackers. Unfortunately, it was a pretty ripe cheese to start with and it got left in the office fridge over the break. Come the new year and the day we’re all due back, Bob is the first to arrive in the morning. He opens the fridge to find the festering (and presumably by now sentient) remains of the cheese and takes it out intending to dispose of it. Before he can remove it to a safe location, the phone rings. Bob answers the phone, leaving the cheese on Jim’s desk which is next to the phone. Jim is the next to arrive and is greeted by a horrific smell, and the sight of the cheese from the black lagoon sitting on his desk. Chaos erupts and the accusations start to fly.

By the time I arrived, I could both smell the cheese and hear the shouting from the end of the corridor. I entered just in time to see Jim punch Bob on the arm and then storm out of the office. Bob stormed out not long after and after I finally disposed of the cheese in the park (it was the nearest accessible outdoor bin), I spent the rest of the morning working alone in the office with all of the windows open. I don’t miss academia.”

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I don’t want to go to our holiday party, I think my coworker is working two jobs at once, and more

by Alison Green on November 23, 2022

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I don’t want to go to our holiday party

At out last meeting, we were discussing what to do for our holiday party and were asked to vote. The decision hasn’t been made yet, but most of the choices were in the city that is an hour-long drive from where I live. I said I would go if we chose to do something in the town close to where we work, and otherwise I probably wouldn’t go. I don’t want a two-hour round trip in winter for something that I wouldn’t enjoy. I live the farthest of all of us from said city so it would be hardest on me, but I am also aware that I just don’t really want to go in the first place. (I do not enjoy parties in general.) Am I being unreasonable?

It’s not unreasonable not to want to go, especially given the length of the drive.

It is worth asking, though, whether you’ll pay a professional price if you don’t go. In many workplaces, not going would be a complete non-issue. If you’re in one of those, skip it and have no qualms about staying home. In other workplaces, though, it can be A Thing if you don’t go — there are managers who will see you as not interested in being part of the team and there can be an opportunity cost to not attending. To be clear, this is ridiculous (unless you’re a manager, in which case it can be a part of your job to show up) but it’s still the reality on some teams … although definitely less than it used to be, given the pandemic (and if you have safety concerns about, say, indoor dining, that is a completely legitimate reason to skip it, even with a manager who really wants everyone there).

2. My coworker might be working two jobs at once

We recently hired a new scrum master for our team. Until he was hired, I was filling in for a few months in addition to serving as a product owner for two teams. The person we hired interviewed really well, but has not been working out as expected. As the scrum master he is supposed to facilitate our ceremonies in addition to other meetings we regularly have. He will regularly ask me to fill in at the last minute or will take off unexpectedly and not arrange for coverage. On two recent meetings, he has left his phone unmuted and we can hear another meeting unmuted in the background. Based on what is being said, I can tell it is another project-related meeting but does not include any participants from our team. It is highly unlikely that it is a simultaneous meeting for our company.

I don’t want to say anything to my leadership, because I do not have proof. The simultaneous calls and spotty meeting attendance is not concrete evidence. Even if it were, I hesitate to say anything because I am worried that it would backfire on me. I am at the point where I am getting burned out (in addition to his work, I am also taking on the responsibilities for someone else who recently left our team), but leadership does not care. I also don’t want to look like I am not a team player. I am unsure of what to do. I love the company I work for and don’t want to leave, but it is taking its toll.

You don’t need evidence that he’s working a second full-time job to talk to your boss about what you’re seeing. Regardless of the cause, it’s a problem that the new hire regularly asks you to fill in at the last minute or takes off unexpectedly without arranging for coverage. It’s also relevant that he seems to be participating in other meetings while he’s supposed to be meeting with you. Those things are all getting in the way of him doing the work you rely on him for, and are increasing the burden on you. That’s fair game to talk to your boss about (and would be even no matter what was causing it).

But also, this isn’t a court of law where you have to prove your case beyond a reasonable doubt. If what you’re seeing gives you the strong impression that your coworker is doing two jobs at once, you’re allowed to say, “While I don’t know for sure and can’t prove anything, X and Y and Z make me wonder if he’s working two jobs at once.” Your boss can (or at least should) take a closer look from there.

3. How to tell doctors they’re bad writers

I’m a senior employee in a field that is … not really adjacent to medicine, but it uses “medical” in the job title. My field requires a combination of two very different types of skills: 1) knowledge of medical terminology/the ability to understand articles in medical journals, and 2) strong writing skills.

Here is the problem: Most people, including most doctors, believe they are strong writers. Almost nobody, including most doctors, is actually a strong enough writer to do my job, which requires special training that is not really part of coursework offered at most universities, especially to pre-med and medical students.

The doctors do not know this, and a steady stream of people (strangers to me) who are looking to get out of direct care work contact me on LinkedIn and other platforms asking me to recommend them for a position. Each one assumes they are already overqualified by virtue of having an MD, even though nearly all of them send me letters full of basic errors demonstrating that they don’t have strong writing skills. (I think they believe they’re good writers, since they’re smart people who got good grades in school, but they’re really not.)

I hate to see so many people barking up the wrong tree and genuinely want to help them. But I often don’t respond, because I don’t know how to tell them they’re obviously not ready for the work. Also, I’ve worked for doctors before and find this is not a group that takes setbacks well! I don’t want to get a ton of hate mail from people who are disappointed they can’t waltz into my job.

What’s the gentlest possible way I can phrase a form letter for the MDs who want my job, are definitely not equipped to do my job, and don’t know that yet? Should I point them to the few places that offer the right courses and hope they get the hint?

You don’t need to tell them they’re not ready for the work or that they’re bad writers. They’re not asking you to assess that; they’re just asking if you can recommend them. It’s perfectly reasonable to decline to recommend someone you don’t know and have never worked with — you can’t vouch for someone if you can’t speak to their work — and that’s all you need to do.

It would actually be fine to just ignore these requests completely. These are strangers asking you for a favor (and a pretty audacious one); you’re not obligated to spend your time crafting responses explaining why you won’t. But if you want to reply, you could simply say, “I’d recommend simply applying on our website to get your application into our system. I’m not in a position to recommend you since we’ve never worked together but I wish you luck.” If you want, you could add, “One thing I’ve found helpful for people trying to move into this field from medicine is taking some of the courses in X and Y from Z.”

4. Should my time logging into work be paid?

I recently started a part-time job that is fully remote and paid hourly. In order to do my job, I need to log on to several websites and apps, a process that takes about five minutes or so. I can’t starting doing my job until I’m onto all of them. I usually start with a couple of tasks already in the queue as soon as I’m set up.

I’ve been clocking in and then start the process of logging in, but I’ve wondered if that’s appropriate, or if I should only clock in once I’m actually ready to start work?

You should clock in first, before you start the process of logging into the various websites. You’re only spending that time logging in because it’s part of your job, and so it’s time that counts as paid work. That’s not just my opinion; it’s straight from the Department of Labor, which has fined companies that don’t pay for that time.

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