Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. How can I help my teenagers figure out career goals?

I have twin 10th graders, both intelligent and hard working. One has an idea of the field they want to go into and the other has no clue. I don’t know how to guide them at this point in their life in regards to future careers and education. I want them to find a career that more than pays the bills — enough to live comfortably, have some fun, and retire at a decent age. I’ve had several jobs and no clear career path or upward mobility. My spouse and I live comfortably due to his job and I’ve filled the role of providing modest income and being the caretaker of everything else. How do I guide them into figuring out career goals and what to do with the rest of their life? To find a career that is satisfying to them? I’m not even sure how I’d define a satisfying career at this point in my life. I just don’t want them to go to a four year college and end up without job prospects and a career path.

Very few people are equipped to pick a career at 15 or 16 years old. They don’t know yet who they’re going to grow into, and they don’t have — can’t have — any realistic idea of what different jobs are like to be day-to-day. In fact, I’d guess that the majority of us ended up in jobs we didn’t even know existed when we were 15. It’s just too early.

But what you can do is talk to them about work in general — what types of jobs you’ve had and what’s been hard about them and what you’ve enjoyed, what jobs your friends have, what those are like day-to-day, how much different types of jobs pay, and what type of education and skills various jobs take. Ask about the kinds of lives they think they want, and talk about what it would take to achieve that.

Also, ensure that they’re exposed to a wide range of possible interests, from law to writing to tech to mechanics to science to investing (my mom used to make us pick stocks to fake-invest in) to gardening to environmental science and on and on. That could just mean talking about an article in the news and seeing if it sparks an interest, or showing them how your car engine works, or asking them to create a plan for how your family could start composting. See if something clicks.

All of this is about giving them a good grounding to make decisions later, rather than making decisions now.

2. Interviewer asked, “If I talked to the person who likes you the least, what would they say about you?”

I applied for a role in a department adjacent to my current position, and during an interview with one of the other managers in this department her last question was, “If I talked to the person who likes you the least, what would they say about you?”

In the moment, I was a bit taken aback and said something like, “Wow, what an intriguing question!” And then tried not to get too personal since the first thing that came to mind was my ex spouse. Like, I get that they are probably trying to have you share a weakness, but … seems like kind of a weird place to put someone in a professional setting? What are your thoughts — good or bad use of interview question?

Terrible interview question. Few people are likely to answer that honestly, it’s highly likely to make most people/everyone uncomfortable, and it makes the interviewer look oblivious to normal human dynamics. It’s not even framed in a work-specific way.

There are ways of probing into people’s relationships with others that don’t come with those serious drawbacks. For example, I used to ask candidates for management roles, “Taking it as a given that every manager has things they do that frustrate their employees, what do you think frustrates your employees about you?” That’s more about their own self-awareness and thoughtfulness (have they even thought about it before?) and it was relevant to the work they were applying to do (manage people).

Because your interview was an internal one, I do wonder if the question was rooted in internal politics of some sort. But it’s a bad question regardless.

3. My coworker sent an upset all-team email after I asked for my chair back

My workplace recently moved spaces (within the same building). I was out of town for some of the move but coordinated most of it. As such, I was later than the rest of my colleagues in getting to the new space. When I got there, one of my coworkers had taken a chair that I’d reserved for myself (but hadn’t been using at the old location as it didn’t fit under the desk). When I came into the office, I told him that was my chair and explained that I’d specifically pulled it from surplus a few weeks earlier to have in our new space. He gave up the chair with minimal fuss, and I thought that was the end of it. However, a few hours later, he sent the following email to the entire team (my name replaced with “Jane”):

“I think you will agree with me when I say that no one in the office has any intentions to claim somebody’s stuff in their absence. As part of the move, we were told to take whatever was needed from the original office space. I took an additional chair from the office thinking no one is using it. Today Jane asked me to leave the chair that I was using, mentioning it belongs to her. I first apologized and then put away the chair and said I didn’t know it was hers. I didn’t mind that I had to apologize or had to leave the chair but what bothered me the most was that she didn’t care to ask if I took it by mistake or unintentionally. The chair was not actively used in the basement and if that was wrong then she could have looked for it on Monday or Tuesday. My apologies for bringing it up but I felt embarrassed having gone through this situation. A healthy conversation is the least that we can expect from each other. I firmly believe that it’s not a few, but we all are giving our best for the workplace’s success. If you have questions or issues in this regard, I am happy to discuss or resolve them in person or at the coming weekly meeting.”

He is not my supervisor (nor am I his). I don’t really know how to respond to this. What I’m currently doing is ignoring it. I didn’t attack him when I asked for my chair, and his email feels like he’s trying to justify himself for taking my chair. (Even if he didn’t know it was mine, he knew it wasn’t his.) However, him sending this to the entire team makes me feel attacked for simply wanting my chair. Do you have any advice for how to address this with him/our manager/the team?

There’s no need for you to address it with your manager or team. This is a bizarre email for him to send to a group, and it’s going to reflect on him, not on you. It’s very Milton with the red stapler. (Also, his invitation to people to speak with him if they have “questions or issues in this regard” is especially strange. I doubt that anyone has questions about anything other than his choice to send this email.)

That said, it’s probably smart politics for you to try smooth things over with him. Don’t grovel, but a brief “I’m sorry that I upset you; it wasn’t my intent” is probably worth doing as an investment in office harmony.

4. Wrongful termination on Gilmore Girls

On Gilmore Girls one of the running jokes is that the grandmother, Emily, is unable to keep a maid. She’s shown firing them for a variety of reasons. In one episode she’s sued for wrongful termination, and her daughter, Lorelai, is asked to give a deposition. My question has a few parts:

1. Emily tells her family she fired the maid in question because she walked very loudly “she was the clomper” and she couldn’t stand the noise in her house. Would that be considered wrongful termination (i.e., could the maid win the case)?

2. In the deposition Lorelai is asked the following questions: “Would you say your mother is a tolerant woman?” “Why has your mother dismissed maids in the past?” “Would you say your mother sets impossible goals which people cannot help but fail to reach, thereby reinforcing her already formed opinion of their deficiencies?” “Would you call your mother an extremely critical woman?” and “On a scale from one to ten what would you rate your mother’s compassion for others feelings?”

Would any of these questions be relevant for a wrongful termination suit?

Some of those questions could be relevant in establishing a pattern of behavior, but it’s moot because firing someone for walking loudly isn’t illegal.

“Wrongful termination” doesn’t mean “fired for an unjust or bad reason.” Wrongful termination is when the firing was based on something illegal, like firing someone because of their race or religion or as retaliation for engaging in legally protected behavior (like reporting discrimination or harassment, or taking legally protected FMLA leave). Firing someone for walking too loudly wouldn’t qualify unless the loud walking were caused by a disability. However, even then, the federal law against disability discrimination only covers employers with 15 or more employees. (Some states have laws that kick in at lower thresholds, but many of them specifically exclude household employees.)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker prayed that I’ll return to Jesus

I work in higher ed at a university that has roughly a 40% Jewish population. I have worked in my office for a little over four years. About a year ago, I converted to Judaism. I am quite open about this and often wear a Magen David necklace. In the office suite across from my department is a woman who is an evangelical Christian. Prior to my conversion, she had asked me to come with her to church several times. I always told her no. Tried to hand me religious pamphlets. I wouldn’t take them. In the last year, she has asked me to church several times — I told her I was Jewish and no thanks. She asked me what I was doing for Christmas, I reminded her I was Jewish so I do not celebrate Christmas. It’s all annoying and I now regret not pressing this with her supervisor and/or mine after what happened today.

I was walking down the hallway and she walked up to me, cornered me, put her hand on my head, and before I could run away told me she’s going to pray for me. She said this very long prayer that ended with, “And may you come back to Jesus.” I was floored. I honestly had no idea what to say. I looked at her in shock and walked away. I feel violated to my very core. And I am unsure what steps to take next. Even if I was a fellow Christian, this was not something that I think is professional in a workplace. I know I really need to go to HR, but is that the right path? Is there anything else I should do to protect myself? I fear what will come next if she’s not talked to.

That. Is. Outrageous.

Yes, HR is the right path. Tell HR that your coworker has made numerous religious overtures to you, including repeatedly inviting you to church and trying to give you religious materials, and you’ve declined them each time but this latest one crosses a new line and you you want her religious harassment to stop. Use those words.

It’s not clear to me if you’ve ever told your coworker directly to stop — you’ve declined her overtures, but have you ever explicitly said “please do not raise religion with me again”? If not, that’s worth doing too. You don’t need to do that in order to ask HR to intervene — your coworker’s behavior is so over the line that it’s not on you to address it yourself at this point — but if you’re up for it, ideally you’d cover that base too. Ideally you would have done that earlier on and it might have short-circuited what followed (or who knows, it might not have) … but either way, it’s reasonable to take this to HR because (a) her latest action is so over-the-top that it warrants it regardless and (b) we don’t want her to just stop doing this to you; we want her to stop doing it to anyone at work, and your company should want that too.

P.S. An acquaintance of my mother’s recently drove eight hours from another state to visit her to attempt to convert her from Judaism. When my mother wasn’t sufficiently receptive, she later mailed her a bible. This is deeply offensive. Do not do this to Jews, please. Do not do this to anyone.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Requesting additional work clothing in a bigger size

When I started with my current employer two years ago, we got to choose several pieces of uniform clothing. Amazingly, my boss didn’t want us to all dress the same — we got to choose whatever styles and colors suited us from the corporate clothing supplier, which was a huge relief after years of trying to make my oddly shaped body fit into certain styles.

We don’t wear our branded clothing every day, only when we have external meetings or high-profile events. As a result, I’ve only got three tops and a jacket. I probably wear the top once a week and the jacket a couple of times a week.

My problem is, I’ve put on about 30 pounds since I started working here, and my work tops no longer fit well. One doesn’t fit at all, and the other two have to be worn with tummy control tights and a certain style skirt. I managed to quietly swap out the jacket for a bigger one that was left in the store cupboard after a colleague left, but there aren’t any spare tops in my size lurking around the office.

You’ve got some great guidance around requesting better fitting clothes up-front, but what can I say to my manager about needing new clothes two years in? To make matters worse, the clothing company no longer does in-person try-ons — we have to pick the right size from the catalogue and the products can’t be returned as they’re embroidered with our logo.

People’s bodies change! You don’t need to hide that or approach it like it’s anything shameful. Be matter-of-fact: “My sizes have changed and the branded items I have don’t fit. How do I get updated sizes from the clothing supplier?”

3. My coworker went through my laptop bag

I’m trying to decide how mad I should be.

I accidentally left my personal laptop bag at work yesterday, and my co-manager (we are equal in positions) went through it. He told me about it today. He said he was looking for a certain piece of my equipment because he forgot his and needed to use it at a work-related but out-of-the-office event. Mine wouldn’t have been compatible, is brand new, and cost me $300. And it’s mine. I bought it. He opened my office, and then opened and went through my personal laptop bag. He never called to ask if this was okay, and was apparently just going to take my equipment out of our offices without asking? My laptop bag has my calendar, my notes, my MacBook, my personal equipment, my makeup … all my stuff. It’s basically my briefcase. WTAF am I supposed to do with this? I was so surprised in the moment I just kind of stared at him until the phone rang. There are some underlying politics between us, and while we do work well together, we’d probably rather not work together at all.

Yeah, that crossed a line and he shouldn’t have done it. That’s your personal bag with your personal stuff in it. And the equipment he was looking for doesn’t sound like it’s up for grabs — it’s yours personally, bought with your personal funds.

You said you’re trying to decide how mad you should be, and I don’t think that’s the right question. While he was in the wrong, this doesn’t require sustained outrage — but it does require a clear and direct statement to him not to do it again. Go back to him and say this: “Please don’t go through my bag again. That’s my personal bag with my personal belongings in it. If you’re looking for something that you think I might have and I’m not around, please call me. But I wouldn’t loan out my frog grooming kit anyway — I bought it personally and it was expensive. If you’d taken it without asking me, I would have been really bothered.”

4. Are we wrong to want to keep an employee who could earn more somewhere else?

We are a very small company – five full-time, two part-time employees. We are financially strong and are slowly growing. Payroll is about $400K/year. One of our part-timers is going to graduate this December with a degree that is highly valued. We’re thrilled to have had him here for four years and look forward to bringing him on full-time. Unfortunately, we will not be able to pay him the market rate for his degree and experience. We can pay him okay for our small town and the size of our company but financially he could do better elsewhere. Where we do excel is in benefits and opportunities – paid very good quality low-deductible health insurance, good time off. We are very flexible with hours and occasionally close for the day (with pay) because workloads are light, the weather is nice, or we just want to give folks some time off. We have a closet with snacks and sodas. We pay annual bonuses, often low-mid four figures. We have some new products in development and he will be the developer on some of these, supported by a manager who is an excellent leader and teacher. He typically isn’t motivated by money. He’s probably not someone who wants to relocate much beyond 25 miles.

Are we a bad company for wanting to keep him on, knowing we can’t pay him what he’s worth? Do you have any suggestions for how we might do this better?

You’re not a bad company for wanting to keep a good employee! You’d be a bad company if you guilted him when he tried to leave or tried to mislead him about his value. You can be a good company by being up-front with him about the situation: “You’re graduating with a degree that’s highly valued. We’re thrilled to have had you here for four years and want to bring you on full-time. I want to be up-front that we’re not in a position to pay what you could probably get somewhere else. We’d love to keep you if we can, and what we can offer you is…”

You don’t need to do that; you could let him figure it out on his own. But being transparent will probably add to the other incentives that might keep him there.

5. How to navigate food restrictions at a holiday potluck

My local office is doing a holiday potluck as a tradition, but the office has doubled in people in the last year. I’m wondering how to navigate food allergies and requirements? I’m writing out a card with ingredients for my dish, personally, but not everyone else is doing that.

Ideally whoever is organizing the potluck would ask everyone participating to set out an ingredients card. (That’s better than people just marking things “vegetarian” or “nut-free” or so forth, because otherwise you’ll get people who mark things incorrectly — not thinking about the chicken broth in their “vegetarian” pasta, etc.) If the organizer isn’t suggesting it, you can suggest they implement it … or just suggest it to everyone yourself.

That said, anyone with allergies or other restrictions likely already knows to approach potluck food with suspicion.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m missing out on a lunch break because I’m vegetarian

Once a month my office has an all-hands meeting that ends around 11:30, then my team has our monthly team meeting at 1:00. Most of the time people on my team will go out for a lunch that takes up the full time between the all-hands meeting and our team meeting. It isn’t a mandatory event or a “working lunch,” just a social gathering, but there’s no expectation that those who attend make up the time for the longer lunch (our standard lunch is 30 minutes). I’ve stopped attending because, as a vegetarian in “meat country,” I usually have a hard time finding anything to eat at restaurants in the area, and I’m not keen on sitting with a soda and watching others eat. The last two times, while others have gone to lunch, I have been given tasks to prepare for our team meeting “since [I’m] not going to lunch” and I’ve had to work through that full hour and a half (including my actual lunch) to complete them in time for the meeting. This seems rather unfair to me, as they all essentially get a free hour off. Should I be entitled to the same amount of “free” time as the rest of the team, or is this just an expected price to pay for choosing not to take part in socializing (even if the lack of available options to accommodate my diet is a significant factor in that choice)?

There are two places within the “reasonable lunch zone” that I could have a real, adult-sized meal, and I’ve suggested them several times, but they always lose the vote for where to have lunch (they usually go to the same barbecue chicken place every month). My team knows I’m vegetarian, but I don’t know if they realize that so many places have nothing vegetarian except maybe a kids’ grilled cheese. Our team director said she won’t get involved since it’s not an “official” outing, but she’s also the one assigning additional, time-sensitive tasks to me (specifically: preparing the agenda and materials for our meeting after lunch) through that time (and my normal lunch break) on these days since I’m not going out with the team.

Yeah, you’re getting a raw deal. It’s not that unusual to let people take a longer lunch for a team outing like this, even an unofficial one; the idea is that there are benefits to the group socializing. From that perspective, it makes sense that you’re not offered an extra-long lunch yourself when you’re not participating. But it’s unfair that the reason you’re not participating is because you can’t. And your manager sucks for saying she won’t get involved, when she’s piling assignments on you during that time.

When you talked to her about it, did you explicitly say, “I’m being assigned extra work that means I have to work through lunch while everyone else takes a 90-minute break, purely because I have dietary restrictions that mean I can’t go with them”? If you haven’t, point that out because otherwise she might think this is just about the restaurant choice and not about everyone else getting a long break while you get no break at all. But if that was part of the conversation you already had and she just doesn’t care, you might be stuck.

However, it sounds like you’ve haven’t clearly explained the problem to your team, and that’s worth trying: “Could we go to X or Y at least some of the time? I’d like to eat with you but there’s literally nothing on the menu I can eat at Z, which means I’m never able to join you.” If that doesn’t work, would you be open to bringing your own food on those days and joining them but eating whatever you brought from home? Not every restaurant will allow this, but often if you’re with a large group and explain there’s nothing you can eat on their menu, they’ll let you. That’s not ideal, obviously, but if your team won’t budge, it might be the least-bad option.

Otherwise, you could try announcing your own plans before your manager has the chance to assign you work — “I can’t eat anything at Z so I’m going to head over to X and will see you after.” And if she assigns you work anyway: “I need to eat lunch, but I’ll be back at 12.” You still won’t be getting the extra hour everyone else gets, which isn’t reasonable, but it might be the reality of it and at least you’ll get some lunch break, unlike the current situation.

2. Coworker calls his girlfriend during projects

I have a coworker who I work very closely with, Bob. Our work is very hands-on and sometimes involves the two of us sitting in a room together while we work for most of the day. Due to the nature of our jobs, sometimes there will be periods of 5-10 minutes where Bob has to sit and wait for me to finish doing something or vice versa. We often have other work we will do during this downtime, but we don’t always.

Occasionally while Bob is waiting during these short waiting periods, he will call his girlfriend. He doesn’t put her on speaker, but I can generally hear what they’re both saying due to the volume of his phone/the small size of the room. They will both talk in detail about their days and upcoming plans. I understand why Bob does this — there is not always a lot of other stuff to do during these periods of downtime. However, I sometimes feel like I’m intruding on these conversations. Even though I know Bob is choosing to make these calls in my presence, they feel to me like conversations I shouldn’t be part of.

Am I right to feel uncomfortable with this, and should I try to do something about it, or is it something I should just try to ignore?

It’s not inherently weird for someone to take a personal call in front of a coworker; people who share an office do that all the time because it’s unavoidable.

I suspect it feels a little different because you don’t normally share an office; you’re just sharing a space at that particular moment because you’re working on a project together.

Still, though, how “occasional” are these calls? If it’s a couple of times a week for five or 10 minutes, that’s not a big deal and you should try to ignore it. But if they’re more regular — like daily — and it’s interrupting your focus, it’s reasonable to say, “Would you mind taking that in the hallway so I can focus and finish this up?”

3. Wearing pimple patches at work

The post the other day about the manager who kept pointing out their staff member’s acne made me think of this question. Would there be any major red flags about wearing hydrocolloid patches at work? They have been useful to me when I have one or two pimples about to burst, and are the difference between having a painful blemish last for days versus nearly gone in a day. They have clear ones, but also I have seen stores carry fun sticker-like ones too.

I’ve been getting away with wearing them for years due to wearing a face mask almost all of the time (plus using clear ones). Would this be something that could be a big no-no? Or could it be considered as innocuous as wearing a band-aid on a face for a scratch or wound?

In theory they’re bandages so they should be okay. In reality, it’s office dependent. There are certainly offices where the clear ones would be fine, but there are also plenty (particularly in more conservative fields) where it would seem a little unprofessional. You’ve got to know your office, which I realize is not terribly helpful.

One thing to think about, though — hydrocolloid patches are designed to draw out whatever’s in the pimple and if they’re transparent, they can start looking pretty gross as the day goes on. The “icky stuff visibly trapped under this translucent patch” stage isn’t well-suited for work.

4. My coworker won’t stop doing my job

I returned from maternity leave to find out that my coworker just won’t give up my job duties and go back to his role prior to my leave. I’ve been back now since June and my management has discussed this with him. I have discussed with him frankly and directly. I thought that we had come to an understanding in August, but I found out that he is still doing my work duties behind my back — answering questions that should be forwarded to me or correcting errors in programming when people mention them. Basically just doing the duties because he knows how.

I’m baffled. He isn’t actively malicious in our day-to-day conversations. He isn’t a terrible person. But he’s undermining my job. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Do you have any suggestions?

This isn’t something you have the power to solve; it needs to come from someone with authority over him. Go back to your manager and plant this squarely in their lap: “I know you’ve told Carl he needs to stop doing things I’m responsible for like X and Y. However, since you spoke with him, he hasn’t stopped — (insert recent examples, preferably ones that caused problems). I’ve discussed it with him multiple times and nothing has changed. Can you help?”

You might be thinking you’ve already tried this — but your management might have no idea that their first talk with Carl didn’t solve the problem, and could be assuming everything’s fine now. Let them know that’s not the case and that you still need their help. (And do it now — don’t let it fester because it’s likely to get harder to fix the longer it’s allowed to go on.)

Read an update to this letter. 

5. Subject lines for a post-interview thank-you email

I’m probably overthinking this, but what do you put for a subject line when sending a post-interview thank-you email?

You are indeed overthinking it! Anything like “thank you” or “llama groomer role” or “thanks for your time Tuesday” or “a thought about your llama initiative” are all fine.