Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m missing out on a lunch break because I’m vegetarian

Once a month my office has an all-hands meeting that ends around 11:30, then my team has our monthly team meeting at 1:00. Most of the time people on my team will go out for a lunch that takes up the full time between the all-hands meeting and our team meeting. It isn’t a mandatory event or a “working lunch,” just a social gathering, but there’s no expectation that those who attend make up the time for the longer lunch (our standard lunch is 30 minutes). I’ve stopped attending because, as a vegetarian in “meat country,” I usually have a hard time finding anything to eat at restaurants in the area, and I’m not keen on sitting with a soda and watching others eat. The last two times, while others have gone to lunch, I have been given tasks to prepare for our team meeting “since [I’m] not going to lunch” and I’ve had to work through that full hour and a half (including my actual lunch) to complete them in time for the meeting. This seems rather unfair to me, as they all essentially get a free hour off. Should I be entitled to the same amount of “free” time as the rest of the team, or is this just an expected price to pay for choosing not to take part in socializing (even if the lack of available options to accommodate my diet is a significant factor in that choice)?

There are two places within the “reasonable lunch zone” that I could have a real, adult-sized meal, and I’ve suggested them several times, but they always lose the vote for where to have lunch (they usually go to the same barbecue chicken place every month). My team knows I’m vegetarian, but I don’t know if they realize that so many places have nothing vegetarian except maybe a kids’ grilled cheese. Our team director said she won’t get involved since it’s not an “official” outing, but she’s also the one assigning additional, time-sensitive tasks to me (specifically: preparing the agenda and materials for our meeting after lunch) through that time (and my normal lunch break) on these days since I’m not going out with the team.

Yeah, you’re getting a raw deal. It’s not that unusual to let people take a longer lunch for a team outing like this, even an unofficial one; the idea is that there are benefits to the group socializing. From that perspective, it makes sense that you’re not offered an extra-long lunch yourself when you’re not participating. But it’s unfair that the reason you’re not participating is because you can’t. And your manager sucks for saying she won’t get involved, when she’s piling assignments on you during that time.

When you talked to her about it, did you explicitly say, “I’m being assigned extra work that means I have to work through lunch while everyone else takes a 90-minute break, purely because I have dietary restrictions that mean I can’t go with them”? If you haven’t, point that out because otherwise she might think this is just about the restaurant choice and not about everyone else getting a long break while you get no break at all. But if that was part of the conversation you already had and she just doesn’t care, you might be stuck.

However, it sounds like you’ve haven’t clearly explained the problem to your team, and that’s worth trying: “Could we go to X or Y at least some of the time? I’d like to eat with you but there’s literally nothing on the menu I can eat at Z, which means I’m never able to join you.” If that doesn’t work, would you be open to bringing your own food on those days and joining them but eating whatever you brought from home? Not every restaurant will allow this, but often if you’re with a large group and explain there’s nothing you can eat on their menu, they’ll let you. That’s not ideal, obviously, but if your team won’t budge, it might be the least-bad option.

Otherwise, you could try announcing your own plans before your manager has the chance to assign you work — “I can’t eat anything at Z so I’m going to head over to X and will see you after.” And if she assigns you work anyway: “I need to eat lunch, but I’ll be back at 12.” You still won’t be getting the extra hour everyone else gets, which isn’t reasonable, but it might be the reality of it and at least you’ll get some lunch break, unlike the current situation.

2. Coworker calls his girlfriend during projects

I have a coworker who I work very closely with, Bob. Our work is very hands-on and sometimes involves the two of us sitting in a room together while we work for most of the day. Due to the nature of our jobs, sometimes there will be periods of 5-10 minutes where Bob has to sit and wait for me to finish doing something or vice versa. We often have other work we will do during this downtime, but we don’t always.

Occasionally while Bob is waiting during these short waiting periods, he will call his girlfriend. He doesn’t put her on speaker, but I can generally hear what they’re both saying due to the volume of his phone/the small size of the room. They will both talk in detail about their days and upcoming plans. I understand why Bob does this — there is not always a lot of other stuff to do during these periods of downtime. However, I sometimes feel like I’m intruding on these conversations. Even though I know Bob is choosing to make these calls in my presence, they feel to me like conversations I shouldn’t be part of.

Am I right to feel uncomfortable with this, and should I try to do something about it, or is it something I should just try to ignore?

It’s not inherently weird for someone to take a personal call in front of a coworker; people who share an office do that all the time because it’s unavoidable.

I suspect it feels a little different because you don’t normally share an office; you’re just sharing a space at that particular moment because you’re working on a project together.

Still, though, how “occasional” are these calls? If it’s a couple of times a week for five or 10 minutes, that’s not a big deal and you should try to ignore it. But if they’re more regular — like daily — and it’s interrupting your focus, it’s reasonable to say, “Would you mind taking that in the hallway so I can focus and finish this up?”

3. Wearing pimple patches at work

The post the other day about the manager who kept pointing out their staff member’s acne made me think of this question. Would there be any major red flags about wearing hydrocolloid patches at work? They have been useful to me when I have one or two pimples about to burst, and are the difference between having a painful blemish last for days versus nearly gone in a day. They have clear ones, but also I have seen stores carry fun sticker-like ones too.

I’ve been getting away with wearing them for years due to wearing a face mask almost all of the time (plus using clear ones). Would this be something that could be a big no-no? Or could it be considered as innocuous as wearing a band-aid on a face for a scratch or wound?

In theory they’re bandages so they should be okay. In reality, it’s office dependent. There are certainly offices where the clear ones would be fine, but there are also plenty (particularly in more conservative fields) where it would seem a little unprofessional. You’ve got to know your office, which I realize is not terribly helpful.

One thing to think about, though — hydrocolloid patches are designed to draw out whatever’s in the pimple and if they’re transparent, they can start looking pretty gross as the day goes on. The “icky stuff visibly trapped under this translucent patch” stage isn’t well-suited for work.

4. My coworker won’t stop doing my job

I returned from maternity leave to find out that my coworker just won’t give up my job duties and go back to his role prior to my leave. I’ve been back now since June and my management has discussed this with him. I have discussed with him frankly and directly. I thought that we had come to an understanding in August, but I found out that he is still doing my work duties behind my back — answering questions that should be forwarded to me or correcting errors in programming when people mention them. Basically just doing the duties because he knows how.

I’m baffled. He isn’t actively malicious in our day-to-day conversations. He isn’t a terrible person. But he’s undermining my job. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Do you have any suggestions?

This isn’t something you have the power to solve; it needs to come from someone with authority over him. Go back to your manager and plant this squarely in their lap: “I know you’ve told Carl he needs to stop doing things I’m responsible for like X and Y. However, since you spoke with him, he hasn’t stopped — (insert recent examples, preferably ones that caused problems). I’ve discussed it with him multiple times and nothing has changed. Can you help?”

You might be thinking you’ve already tried this — but your management might have no idea that their first talk with Carl didn’t solve the problem, and could be assuming everything’s fine now. Let them know that’s not the case and that you still need their help. (And do it now — don’t let it fester because it’s likely to get harder to fix the longer it’s allowed to go on.)

Read an update to this letter. 

5. Subject lines for a post-interview thank-you email

I’m probably overthinking this, but what do you put for a subject line when sending a post-interview thank-you email?

You are indeed overthinking it! Anything like “thank you” or “llama groomer role” or “thanks for your time Tuesday” or “a thought about your llama initiative” are all fine.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Could I ask my new employee to babysit?

I have a question that is currently hypothetical, but may be reality soon. We are looking at hiring our fantastic college intern onto our team, and I would likely be managing her. She also loves kids, and I have two of my own. I’ve had a hard time finding and keeping babysitters; the ones we used to have have since graduated from high school and moved out of the area, and most of the high school and college students I know now don’t have the time or interest.

Would it be completely inappropriate of me to offer her babysitting opportunities if I end up managing her? These would be occasional, outside of work hours/events, and paid the normal going rate for babysitters in our area.

Don’t do it! The potential for conflicts of interest is too high. First, no matter how much you make it clear that she can say no, you won’t know if she feels pressure to say yes because you’re her boss. Second, what if something goes wrong while she’s babysitting? There’s potential for it to bleed into work, and that’s not fair to her. Third, babysitting is really intimate, and you both need to have some distance in order to work together effectively. You need to be able to give her impartial feedback (will you really feel comfortable criticizing her work if you know she’s going to be at your house taking care of your kid that night?) or even let her go if her work warrants it. And other people need to trust that you’re able to do that; perceptions of favoritism or special treatment can be a big deal on a team.

It might go fine, but the potential for problems is too high.

2. My boss thinks I lack confidence, but I don’t

I’m a first year teacher, though this is not my first job — teaching is my second career. I know that the first year can be rough, and there’s a high learning curve. I try my best, knowing that inevitably I will screw up sometimes because it’s my first year. Overall, things have been going really well!

The problem is my principal, who has somehow gotten it into her head that I lack confidence in my abilities and that she needs to help me build up my self-worth as a teacher. I don’t know where she got this impression, but confidence is pretty low on my list of growth areas. I think I’m pretty good at what I do, all things considered! It’s getting to the point where she brings it up whenever we speak, even about entirely unrelated issues, and I’m getting offended.

I know she probably means this kindly, but it feels like she’s making a lot of assumptions about me, especially because I look younger than I am. I understand she wants to support me, but the constant talk about my confidence is only making me doubt myself.

It’s possible she does this with all new teachers, but it’s also possible something gave her the impression that you in particular need it. It’s okay to ask about it! You could say, “You’ve been talking about my confidence level a lot, which surprises me because that doesn’t feel like an area where I struggle. Have I done something to give you the impression that I lack confidence?”

At some point in the conversation, you could also say, “I don’t think I need a boost there, but what I’d love your help with is…”

3. We’re returning to the office and I have a disability that means I can’t stay awake 8 hours in a row

I was hired early in the pandemic when my company went to Emergency Remote Mode, and have remained fully remote since then. My company has more recently been discussing returning to the office, and I have reason to think they might try to announce this on short notice.

While I’m still trying to figure out with my doctor exactly what is going on, I have trouble remaining fully conscious for eight hours in a row. It’s very likely if you stuck me in a desk staring at a computer for eight hours straight, I would either fall in and out of sleep or have spurts of appearing very visibly confused / having slurred speech. At the very least I would probably be a lot less productive. I generally describe the feeling as being like my brain spontaneously feeling like it’s in molasses.

Because I’ve been remote and most of my work is pretty asynchronous, I’ve been able to get away with working weird / fragmented hours, like two four-hour sections of a day with a three-hour break. Because my work gets done, no one seems to mind (and I have explicitly asked how I’m performing and gotten decent feedback) … but I also have not explicitly told coworkers exactly how wonky the hours I’m working are, beyond what they might be able to deduce by the occasional 2:30 am timestamp.

Is it worth telling my company about this if they try to do forced return-to-office? I feel embarrassed about it and I don’t super want to tell coworkers, but also, like, I think the company will probably get a lot more productivity out of me if I’m in an environment where I can physically run around or nap when I get sleep attacks / work non-traditional hours. And considering I’ve been doing this job remotely for years with good performance reviews, I think (hope?) they might take that as reason to believe I can successfully do this job remotely?

What you want is an official accommodation to work from home because of your medical condition. Your condition likely qualifies under the Americans with Disabilities Act because it interferes with a major life activity (sleep/staying awake). Because you think your company might announce a return on short notice, it makes sense to start that process now rather than waiting. Talk with your HR department, let them know you’re making “an official request for accommodations under the ADA” (use that exact term — in fact, put it in the subject line of your email), and find out what they need you to do to get the ball rolling.

4. Former boss is keeping tabs on me on LinkedIn

My former boss, an executive director at a nonprofit, has been routinely viewing my LinkedIn profile since I left four months ago. I know from former coworkers that the executive director has stalked their LinkedIn pages as well. The executive director views the pages around once a week to every two weeks, far more often than necessary to see where employees went or to get a sense of how employees are doing. They view in “private mode” but with their title and company showing up in my weekly report of who’s searches I’ve appeared in, it’s pretty easy to determine who it is.

I’ve blocked the executive director on LinkedIn. To me there is no good reason to view my page that often, but I don’t know if I should bring it up with the board of directors. I think the behavior is concerning and reflects poorly on the organization, but maybe I’m being too sensitive.

That’s weird behavior, but it doesn’t rise to the level of something you’d alert the board to or that they’d typically get involved in.

5. Duo cover letters

I recently attended a career presentation to students where the presenter showed an example of a trend in cover letters that they had learned at a career counseling workshop. It’s called duo cover letters. After the traditional business letter greetings and an introductory paragraph, the text follows a two-column format where the left column is the job requirements and the right column is the applicant’s response. There is the traditional closing paragraph and signature. From the example shown, there was no room for individuality, creativity, or voice. Having been on ad infinitum search committees, I admit that I would have a less-than-favorable reaction if I received one of these do cover letters.

Afterwards, I sent the students examples of the excellent cover letters you featured on your website. At least they now have a comparison.

Are duo cover letters truly a trend?

It’s not a new trend! This format has been around for at least a decade, and it’s a bit … gimmicky and unsophisticated. The idea is to make it easy for the person reading your resume to match your qualifications with the job requirements, but hiring managers can figure out if you’re qualified on their own; they don’t need a chart to show them. Plus, that format makes it really hard to do a lot of other things a cover letter should do, like flesh out who you are as a candidate beyond the basic facts from your resume and show how you communicate in writing. It’s too limiting.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps marijuana plants in the office

I live in Texas where cannabis, recreational or medical, is enough to get you sent to jail. It also doesn’t help that we’re in a conservative rural town with law enforcement eager to take you down for such a thing. My boss, a mid- to late- sixties woman who’s been smoking for years, has decided to move her all her gardening, weed included, into the office that I work alone in all day. I’m in my early twenties, and I’m the only one in my family of four who has a full-time job. In short, this job is paying my family’s bills.

My dad, who lives with us, is also on parole for a felony crime, and I’m worried about the possibility of getting in trouble with the law and how it will affect his case. I tried jokingly bringing up how bad it would be if I was in the room while something happened, but she brushed it off. We have a good relationship aside from this. I have no problem with her smoking and I need this job and like it, but I’m worried. What can I do? Is there anything I can do?

She missed your hint when you brought it up in a joking way — and in fact, you aren’t joking — so you need to address it in a way that makes it clear you’re serious. You’ll be better served by being straightforward about it: “I have no problem with weed personally but given the laws in Texas, I’m very uncomfortable having the plants here — I’m too worried about the legal consequences for us both. Could you take them back out of the office?”

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Should I warn my coworkers about my chin tuck?

I am a nonprofit administrative worker. For two years, I suffered from a debilitating condition that kept me unable to work. 18 months ago, I had a successful surgery to treat it (yay!) and after a long recovery, I re-entered the workforce. Sort of. I am still in my first year of re-entry, and so far it has been a patchwork of contract gigs.

I’m so grateful to the surgery that gave me my health back. Like a trickster, in return it gave me a double chin. I’ve given it plenty of consideration and have my heart set on a chin tuck and augmentation, which I think will help me feel more like myself. I’m hoping to get it done this winter because I’ll have the benefit of cold weather to camouflage the recovery with coats and scarves when out in public. It can’t be done during the spring due to some major commitments.

The recovery is short and I would be back at work in a week or less, but significant bruising and swelling around my neck could last 3-6 weeks, and I’m under no illusions that I could keep it all hidden under makeup or scarves at the office.

What’s my hesitation? My current contract placement is with a domestic and sexual abuse service organization. I don’t like disclosing medical information at work, but more than that I don’t like the idea of showing up with bruises on my throat without giving warning. A significant portion of staff are survivors of intimate partner violence or other abuse. I want to live my life, but I am very new here and I don’t want to alarm or possibly re-traumatize someone.

Should I inform my coworkers beforehand in an office-wide email? Or wait until the contract ends? Or do it during summer vacation if this contract turns into a permanent position (which is very possible)? (Note: I don’t work in client services. I work offsite in a small admin office where I only face coworkers.)

Don’t change your surgery date because of this! Have the surgery when you want. But yes, given your concerns, it makes sense to alert your coworkers ahead of time. You can keep it pretty vague, but an email to your team saying something like “I’m having surgery that will cause some heavy bruising on my neck for a few weeks, it’s nothing to be alarmed about” would likely be a kindness and prevent people from worrying about you. If it feels weird to do that as a new person or a contract worker, you could use that same language with your boss and ask if she’d recommend sharing it more broadly.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. My peer wants everyone to chip in for a holiday gift to our boss, even junior employees

I am a senior engineer on a small team within a larger organization. When I started five years ago, the reporting structure of my team was flat – everyone reported directly to my manager, Rosalind. Last year that changed, and now all of the junior engineers report to me, while my two coworkers (Greg and Alex) and I still report to Rosalind.

Every year Greg organizes a holiday gift for Rosalind and takes donations from the team. I know your thoughts on gifting upward, but when I started I didn’t want to rock the boat, and also Rosalind is a fantastic manager so I didn’t really mind contributing. But now Greg is still asking the entire team to contribute and it’s more problematic to me since he’s asking the junior engineers to contribute to a present to their bosses’ boss. Not to mention that any contribution from them is a larger portion of their salary than for the rest of the team.

Last year, I didn’t react quickly enough to Greg’s request and everyone just contributed to the present as usual. But I’d like to more proactively do something this year, hopefully before Greg sends out his request. How do I approach Greg about this? Should I also talk to Rosalind? I don’t want her to think that a change in her gift means anything about my appreciation for her as a manager. I’d also like to make clear to my reports that I am not looking for a present from them if they ask about it.

Yep, talk to Greg and Alex ASAP! Say something like, “I don’t want to ask the junior engineers to contribute to a gift for Rosalind this year. I’ve been reading that people should never gift upwards in an office because of the power dynamics, and I don’t feel right asking people who make less than her to put money toward a gift for her. She’s a great boss so let’s do a card from us, but I feel strongly that we should skip the gift.” Hell, if you want, you could say this in an email so that you can forward this article with it.

You shouldn’t need to address it with Rosalind herself, but if it’ll give you peace of mind you could. Once it’s worked out with Greg and Alex, you could say, “We don’t want the  junior engineers to feel any pressure to chip in for a gift because of the power dynamics, so we’re just doing a card this year. Please don’t read anything into that; it has nothing to do with my/our appreciation of you as a manager!”

4. Taking my team out for lunch when one person is remote

I manage a small team in academia. Most of us are on-site, but I have one employee who works full-time remote in another state. Normally, I like to take everyone out for brunch or lunch a couple of times a year, or bring in a meal, especially around the holidays, as a small “thank you” and an opportunity to connect socially. Obviously having one remote person makes this complicated. Any suggestions on what I can do to make sure they feel included?

Can you occasionally send them a food delivery gift card so they can have a meal delivered at the same time? I don’t think you need to do it every time — part of working remotely is that you’re going to miss some in-office food perks and generally people understand and are fine with that trade-off — but doing it for the bigger events (like the year-end one) would be a nice gesture that would make them feel appreciated. It also doesn’t have to be meal delivery; it could be a gift of something else you know they like, with a note saying “since you couldn’t be here for the holiday lunch” — just something to let them know they’re not being overlooked.

5. Should federal holidays be counted in your PTO?

I’ve noticed that some job ads offer “generous” PTO of four or six weeks … and 10 of those days (aka, two of those weeks) are federal holidays. Is it legal or right to combine federal holidays with PTO? It feels very misleading to me.

Yeah, that’s not how PTO is usually counted in the U.S. (although it does seem to be in some other countries). Typically “four weeks of PTO” means “you get 20 days off to spend as you please, plus whatever 9-11 federal holidays we’re closed.”

It’s legal for them to describe it the way they did, but it’s definitely misleading — and it’s really crappy if they’re not spelling it out at some point before people are hired, because it would be a horrible surprise to discover that your “four weeks” of PTO are actually two weeks, based on the framework people usually use for this.