Ask a Manager

It’s part 2 of this year’s Ask a Manager speed round! (Part 1 was last month.) Until 4 pm ET today, I’ll be answering questions live (using some of the questions that were submitted but not answered in part 1).

Last month I answered 78 questions in two hours; we’ll see if I can match that today.

How to read answers live: Refresh the page to see new questions/answers. I’ll post new answers at the top as I go so you don’t have to scroll down to see the latest.

How to ask questions: I’m not taking new questions for this round — I received 750 questions in part 1 and only answered a fraction of them, so today is to answer more of the questions from part 1 that I didn’t get to originally.

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80. irrational jealousy over colleague’s promotion

I declined to apply for an open teapot engineering manager position at least three times at my current employer. My manager regularly checks in with me to gauge my interest in the promotion. Nevertheless, when someone else with less experience than me got the promotion, I was quite disappointed and jealous. Is this normal? Is this some kind of opposite of sour grapes?

I don’t think it’s abnormal. It’s not rational, but that’s a different thing. Sometimes there’s a thing where you want to be wanted, and you don’t like seeing someone else wanted for the same thing, even when you’ve already rejected said thing. Also, sometimes it’s nice to feel like that option is out there, and then when someone else gets it the option is closed off for you. (You see this in dating sometimes too, where it tends to play out in much less healthy ways.)

I think the key is to remind yourself of the reasons you turned it down, and that you did turn it down.

79. Resume after short term job

I quit my last job after a month and a half. Should I still list it on my resume?

No — that’s too short-term to strengthen your candidacy in any meaningful way, and you’ll just end up having to answer questions about what happened there (which isn’t necessarily a problem in itself, but in this case there’s no payoff in exchange for doing that, so there’s no point).

78. Dealing with a Pedantic Co-worker

Several years ago I was working in a retail job that involved services for customers (a jewelry counter that also offered watch battery replacement and band changes/resizing). For one day (and I have no idea why) a co-worker from a different department was covering at the jewelry counter essentially as a warm body since he was not trained in any of the services we provided other than unlocking cases and taking things out. When a customer needed a watch band resized, I moved to the station we used and started to work on the watch band – to then realize that my co-worker was standing so closely to me that I could feel his breath on my neck. I am very claustrophobic when it comes to people, especially people I do not feel close with, and so I took a beat and asked him as calmly as I could to please just take one small step back as I am very claustrophobic. Classic socialization – I had to be polite, I had to make sure he knew it was my issue and not his (even though he was standing way too closely), I even offered to let him stand on the other side of the station so he could see what I was doing without having to try and peer between my head and shoulder.

I’m sure his response would surprise no one – he instantly got extremely defensive and high-tailed it to the other side of the department. The rest of that time he was in the department with me was tense and awkward, but I was thinking, “At least it’s over after today.” Wrong. Every single time this co-worker would see me in my department and one of the other women who worked in my department was standing within ten feet of me, he would shout, “Be careful, she’s VeRy ClAuStRoPhObIc!!!” while rolling his eyes at me. As a 20-something woman dealing with a 40-something man, I did not know how to handle this at all – and I still kind of don’t. I said something to a manager once, but when my co-worker was asked about it he claimed it was an inside joke that he and I had (nope, I think I would be “inside” if that were the case) and it was dropped.

It’s too late for me to deal with this particular person, but any advice on how to shut someone down when they won’t let something go – but when you don’t have much standing or power or even a reporting structure to back you up?

I like telling people who are being weird that they are being weird. As in: “It’s weird that you’re so fixated on this.”

But in a case like this one where this guy was being wildly disruptive to you and to others, as well as basically mocking something that could conceivably fall in the mental health category, talking to a manager was definitely warranted, and if I could put you in a time machine to handle him differently, I’d only suggest you pull that lever earlier. I’m sorry this guy was such an ass.

77. Employees just vanish…sometimes

How much does a manager, or organization in general, owe other employees to be transparent when someone leaves for any reason — quit, retired, fired, laid-off…? I know that policies and practices are so different all over the place, but what should happen in a normal functional office? Should there be a policy for a whole organization that an announcement is made, or should it be left up to individual managers? And how uniform should it be?

“As of August 18, Fergus Ferguson has left Oatmeal Inc. We wish him all the best. Please contact Wakeen Feenix for future cinnamon requests.”

You don’t need to get into reasons, just that it happened and what people should do from here.

76. When can I take time off at a new job?

I’m about to start a new job in September, and have three days in November I was hoping to take off for a pre-planned trip. I’m worried I’ll look unprofessional if I ask for time off right after starting, but also don’t want to wait and then ask when it’s too late to cancel or change my plans. What kind of ground rules exist here, I don’t know what the normal expectations are. For reference, I previously interned with this team so I’m not a fully unknown quantity, and leadership at this company has unlimited PTO and the local management seems pretty good about stressing people take time off.

Ideally you should negotiate it as part of accepting the offer so that you’re not springing it on them afterwards. If it’s too late for that, I’d raise it as soon as possible now and frame it as plans you already had and are hoping to keep, but acknowledging that the timing might not work. More here.

75. Discussing salary

If I’m a supervisor, does that prohibit me from discussing my salary with peer supervisors? Or am I prohibited from discussing my salary with any other employees of the company?

There’s a federal law (the National Labor Relations Act) that makes it illegal for companies to prohibit employees from discussing salary with each other, but it excludes supervisors. So if you’re in management, you don’t have the protection of that law and your employer can indeed prohibit you from discussing your salary (including with peers).

74. Perfume at work?

Is perfume at work considered unprofessional? I always thought it was a finishing touch, but apparently not a universal opinion. I’m not talking patchouli oil (a personal gag small), but what’s the answer?

Unless it sits incredibly close to the skin (i.e., no one will ever smell it unless they are hugging you)*, don’t wear it to work. There’s too much chance of it bothering someone with fragrance sensitivities, and you don’t want to be giving your coworkers headaches. Plus, that issue aside, it’s not great to push one specific scent that you have chosen into other people’s workspace. They may hate it! Keep perfume for non-work occasions where you won’t have colleagues who can’t move away if they need to.

* And honestly, even if it does sit very close to the skin, I’d be wary of giving you the go-ahead. Too often people are bad judges of what others can smell.

73. Only You Can Prevent Dumpster Fires

I’m tired of being responsible for fixing a careless coworker’s contributions to our projects. I don’t want to simply let her drop the ball, because this would have negative consequences for me and disappoint our clients. It would also be embarrassing. What should I do? Should I talk to her about the problems? I’ve tried, but I can try again. Do you think I should talk to her boss?

Talk to your boss. This isn’t about complaining; it’s about flagging a work issue that’s impact your own work. Flag it the same way you would any other, less personal-feeling work problem. Explain you’ve tried addressing it directly but nothing has changed and the impact is ___.

72. TPS

Is a TPS report real or is it just pop culture integration from the movie Office Space? People always refer to it and incorporate it into office vernacular, but I think it might be a joke?

As far as I know, it’s a joke (just something they made up for the movie), but I’m sure there’s some company or field out there that really has something called TPS reports.

71. Negative employee

Can a manager ever change an employee’s view of themselves? One of my staff members is so incredibly negative, she affects the whole floor. She’s loud (just a big voice) and negative and everyone can hear it. We’ve discussed and it was in her annual review and she commented that she’s not negative at all, she’s very pleasant and people like her. Even our HR manager mentioned that she was the only person (out of 60!) to complain about everything during our *free* staff day out of the office (fun and games that people could opt out of, etc).

She’s so negative, and she doesn’t see it, so won’t work on it, even with examples of the behavior and how that affects her coworkers. Can this be turned around?

I’m very skeptical that you can turn it around in the amount of time you reasonably have available as her manager. If she was open to the feedback, that would be different (although still hard), but she insists there’s no problem.

70. Title on Resume

My company was acquired during Covid, May 1st my title was changed to match the new company’s other comparable roles and I was given a ridiculous title change from Accounting Consultant to Intelligence Engineer. I am getting my resume ready to start looking for jobs in the next month or so. What is my best option on my resume to not be thrown out based on my current position?

List it this way:

* Intelligence Engineer (Accounting Consultant)

That way employers know what the job is, but if they call to verify your employment they won’t get a completely different title than you ever mentioned to them.

69. Should I get extra pay to cover my manager’s vacation?

I’m currently covering my manager’s position while he takes a vacation that is the equivalent of just more than a business week. During this period, I’m taking on his role and continuing to meet my own daily and weekly deadlines. I have more responsibilities, final say on our weekly product delivery, and am the go-to person for any and all questions. It basically doubles my workload and I’m putting in overtime (but I’m salaried). Should I get a temporary pay boost? If so, how do I approach that?

For such a short period of time, it’s not typical to get additional pay. But if you do it more than this once, you can note on your resume that you filled in for your manager doing XYZ in his absence.

68. FMLA

I’ve tried to figure this out but can’t for the life of my find an answer. I know you generally cannot claim FMLA unless you’ve worked for a company for a year, but if you get pregnant before you’ve been working at the company for a year, but the baby won’t be born until after you’ve worked there for a year, are you entitled to use FMLA when the baby is born? Or is it on some earlier date in the pregnancy?

In other words, can you presume you’d be entitled to FMLA if you get pregnant a few months into a new job, assuming the pregnancy has no complications and goes to full term?

You are eligible for FMLA after one year of working there (assuming you have also worked at least 1,250 hours over the past 12 months). It doesn’t matter when you got pregnant, only how long you’ve been working there when you actually need to take the leave. (Same thing with anything else — if you need FMLA to get physical therapy for your broken leg, it won’t matter that you broke the leg before you were FMLA-eligible … only that you’re eligible when your first PT appointment happens.)

So yes, if you start a job in January, get pregnant in April, and give birth the following January, you will be able to take FMLA for your maternity leave because you’ll have been there one year.

67. Was this an interview faux pas

At the end of a series of interviews, to show how excited and interested in the job and company, I said if I was offered the job I’d definitely accept the offer. Since they my brain has been going “was that too much?” Thus my question, is doing that a red flag to people hiring employees? Because honestly, the job would be a life changing experience for me (a 24% increase in income, excluding bonuses. And my first job not involving sales)

No, you’re fine. In the future I’d avoid saying you’d definitely accept because it can make negotiating salary a little more awkward, but people say stuff like that and interviewers don’t consider it a red flag (unless there are other reasons to think that, like that you haven’t had a chance to learn anything about the job yet).

66. Do I put an interim title on LinkedIn/my resume?

I am VP of Teapots, and report to the President of Teapots. The President of Teapots is going on leave soon, and for several months I will be Interim President of Teapots. Is this temporary title change something I put on my resume in the future? On the one hand it’s just a few months, but on the other hand, I will be assuming President of Teapots duties fully for a few months! What makes sense?

Yes, you absolutely should. It doesn’t need to be a whole separate listing for that job, but it can be a bullet point:

* Acted as Interim Director of Teapots for three months in fall of 2022 (then add details)

65. recruited then quickly rejected

An in-house recruiter for a competitor reached out to me. I ignored the note until he followed up a week later, then I figured hey why not find out what they’re looking for, and we scheduled a call.

They gave me very little information about the role aside from a few bullet points. When I asked why they came to me, they said they found me through a team of people they have who scour their competitors for good candidates, who then supply those names to the recruiters. So I thought they must have known, you know, the basics of my background, and what I do, and what I’ve done.

But after we talked for an hour, and then they said they weren’t going to be moving ahead with me to the next stage. They didn’t say why.

Am I right to be a little put off by this? They reached out to me! Twice! It was my first time being recruited for something, so maybe this is just how it works.

Nah, this is how it works. They saw you had the basic profile of who they’re looking for and so the next logical step is to talk and probe more deeply — but it makes sense that at that point they will realize that some portion of the people they’re talking to aren’t as strongly matched as the others.

64. Pull back from being helpful

I started teaching the people a step below me. I think I’ve inadvertently taught them not to look up answers. I’ll give them the answer and where to find it for next time, and have started taking time before I answer. But are there other ways?

Next time, ask, “What have you tried so far?” or “What did you find when you looked it up?”

You can also tell them directly what you want: “Now that you have some experience with this, I’d like you to try solving problems like this on your own first and then come to me if you’re stuck — but I should warn you that I’m going to ask you what you’ve tried so far when you do.”

63. Dream life

If money was no object, what would you do all day?

Read novels. Eat carby things. Take many naps.

62. Company ghosted me, can I reach out again?

I had a phone interview with a company I’d be really excited to work for. I emailed them a thank you using your advice, and was told I’d hear back in a week. I waited two weeks and followed up, and they said they’d make sure my name had been passed on properly. I left it alone after that and never heard another word.

If I’m still job searching months later, could I email them again? Or would that be too pushy?

If it’s just been 2-3 months, it’ll be too pushy. They already know you’re interested and they interviewed you; if they wanted to move you forward, they would. If it’s been more like 6+ and the job is still open … well, I still wouldn’t, because the above still applies, but it won’t look as pushy.

61. Sick Time: Ask or Tell?

It seems like different managers/office cultures have different answers for this, but what is your professional take on the question of how to inform your supervisor that you’re too sick to work/have a doctor’s appointment or surgery scheduled? Some say that telling leaves no room for argument and is more clear/direct. Some are concerned that if you’re not phrasing it as an ask, you’re overstepping bounds of who is technically in charge here. Is there any right answer?

With sick time, you should tell, not ask. You’re not seeking permission; you’re explaining you will be unable to work for medical reasons.

60. Can I hang out with a coworker in the hotel if my company is paying?

Company is paying for an overnight work trip. Fellow coworker and I whom are friends want to do a movie and game night after the work dinner. Is it unprofessional/inappropriate for us to do the above? We’re both friends, we’re roughly the same age, and we’re both women. We are coworkers in the same department, neither of us has work overlap or supervisory anything.

Go for it, you’re fine.

59. Salary Badgering from Coworker

I was recently promoted and received a bigger pay bump than expected, such that I am now making within a few thousand dollars of a coworker who was promoted to the same job title several years ago. She’s angry about this and telling me that I should have rejected the raise. I told her I had no idea it was going to be that large (which was true) and wasn’t going to reject it. She’s continued to berate me, by email. Do I need to loop in a manager at this point? I’m not sure if this counts as “interpersonal conflict peers need to resolve.”

You should have rejected the raise?! She’s being ridiculous. Yes, at this point I’d bring your manager into it because your coworker is continuing to berate you after you’ve already tried to solve it yourself. (Be aware that might further inflame things, but it doesn’t sound like something you have the luxury of ignoring.)

58. old job

What is a polite way to tell the person who took my old job to look in the files before asking me? It’s been 4 weeks and she’s still hammering me with questions ALL the time, many of which are obvious.

Wait several days before responding and then send this: “Have you checked the files I left behind? Everything you’re looking for should be in there. Unfortunately I’m not available for ongoing questions because of my commitments to my new job, but best of luck with it!” And then feel free to ignore any further emails from her.

57. Asking Other Folks to Wear Masks in Meetings

I’m immune-compromised. I wear a mask everywhere at work. Thankfully I have a private office. In our large department meetings, am I unreasonable for asking folks to wear a mask in the relatively small room we sit in together for our 45-minute meetings?

No, you are not unreasonable. Explain that you are high-risk.

56. both sides

Have you ever received two letters that you’re pretty sure are two sides of the same story? Or multiple letters on the same specific incident?

I got two letters about the office with the turtles, in the same week! It turned out one was from the sister of the person working in that office.

I would very much like to get two letters that are different sides of the same story.

55. Asked to donate to employee at old job

Several years ago I worked for an organization where employees were constantly asked to donate for others’ expenses (usually weddings and baby showers). Since I left, I’ve been contacted multiple times about this, but I ignored the requests. I got a request by email a few weeks ago for a baby shower donation with a vague line about “If you do not donate, we will be forced to share this information with [your current employer].” I haven’t replied. Should I?

Wait, what?! A place where you no longer works is pressuring you to contribute to someone’s baby shower and is threatening to tell your current employer if you don’t? That’s incredibly weird, and you should tell them they can feel free to do that (because your current employer will not care and will also find it incredibly weird.)

54. Great Reshuffle

My question is, do you think the Great Reshuffle (aka Great Resignation, etc etc) will end soon? Ever? Never? At least in my field (higher ed fundraising), it feels like an endless loop, as people are bouncing around, filling and creating vacancies. I love the new job I got out of it, (fully remote, much better pay, better work environment), but I would also love it if my new team would stabilize and stop losing people/hiring/repeat again. Obviously, to be fair, I want everyone to get the benefits I got out of taking part in the reshuffle, but ouch, it’s starting to feel unsustainable to be constantly hiring and replacing and losing institutional memory.

I think it will end at some point. I don’t know when. I think/hope it will leave behind some permanent changes in the way people think about their relationship to work.

53. Should I talk to a lawyer first?

My boss is not applying my reasonable accommodations. I am planning to gather my evidence and speak with HR about it soon. A friend told me I should speak with an attorney first and let HR know I have spoken with an attorney. His reason is because HR might try to blow me off or not do all they can do unless I let them know from the outset that I know what I am legally entitled to. Is he right? Should I speak to a lawyer first (or at least get a list of my rights from google)?

You don’t need to talk to a lawyer first, and a decent company will act without the threat of legal action hanging over them. Plus once you involve a lawyer, things can get more adversarial (which isn’t to say you shouldn’t do it when you need to). But talking to a lawyer behind the scenes can still be really helpful; they can guide you in your next steps without your company ever knowing they were involved.

52. Venting to Coworkers about a Manager

What are your thoughts on coworkers venting about their manager? Just general work venting (tough deadlines, lack of support, etc.), nothing personal or malicious. I had a manager who would ask my colleagues if I ever talked about her and would tell me she saw any discussion of her with other colleagues as a betrayal. I always thought that venting about managers was a normal part of work life, that coworkers–who understand the environment more than friends or spouses–could offer insight into how to address issues or concerns with management, and that part of being a manager (especially one who didn’t take feedback well) was knowing that your subordinates sometimes would vent about you to others. What do you think?

Any sensible manager should know their staff will vent about them sometimes. If they’re doing it with a level of viciousness, that’s obviously a problem (but it’s a problem because it means something about the manager, or maybe the broader dynamics in the organization) but otherwise some amount of venting is normal and expected. In fact, I always tell managers it’s a good exercise to try to imagine what their team complains about in regard to their management — it can push you toward stuff you need to change without anyone having to tell you.

51. Frequent interview-ending answers

I work in HR for a company that includes jobs that are very entry-level, think retail, quick-service restaurants, roles like that. As can be expected, a very large portion of the candidates we get for those roles are people with less experience, and for many this is one of the, if not the, first jobs they have gone through interviews for.

My question is, when someone gives you an answer that is so out of left field, so irrelevant, and maybe even so inappropriate that it just completely torpedoes the interview, how do you react? I’ve been doing this for several years now and I still haven’t found a professional way to move on (not to mention I’m sure I’m doing the deer in the headlights thing). Do I half-heartedly continue the interview, knowing there’s no chance in hell this candidate will move forward? Do I end the interview right there (and what do I say)?

To add some context, here are some examples of questions/answers I’ve gotten in the last few weeks:

“Can you tell me about a time you disagreed with a decision that was made by a supervisor? Why did you disagree with it, and what did you do about it?”
“They slept with my dad. I didn’t agree with it because my dad is married to my mom. I knocked her front teeth out.”

“Do you have any questions for me?”
“So you get discounts on [product] right? Is there a limit to how much I could buy? What if I bought a bunch of [product] and then quit?”

“What’s something you’ve accomplished professionally that you’re very proud of?”
“Well, at one of my last jobs, I won a contest between me and some other employees. We wanted to see who could sleep with the most customers in one day. [Name] would’ve tied with me but her last customer was old and gross.”

I also had a candidate show up to her interview in a bikini (I’m in Hawaii. Not that that makes it okay, but it does kind of explain?) with a VERY loosly knitted sweater over it. It reminded me of a knit table runner my grandmother used to have. When I pointedly informed her about our dress code, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “are you saying I’m not sexy?”

Wow! It depends on the specifics, but if something is very offensive or obviously prohibitive, explain that and wrap it up right then: “Honestly, that would be prohibitive for this role (or “that would be so counter to how we operate that this won’t be the right match”). I don’t want to take up more of your time so we’ll end here, and thank you for coming in.” Or you can do a couple more questions and then wrap things up so it’s not quite so abrupt.

50. Kitties!

How are they? You have two, correct?

We had two at one time. Now we have six (four of them foster fails…). They are happy and loved.

49. References

I have been interviewing applicants for a position on my team. I had been setting up meetings to call their references, but I’m now told that HR emails the references a form to fill out. At least one of my colleagues thinks it gets a better response rate from the references than calling, but I’m concerned that these form answers are just going to be generically positive and not that informative. Is calling references becoming obsolete?

No, lots of people call references. The forms suck — they take way more of your references’ time, very few people are willing to put less-than-positive info in writing, and they don’t allow for nuance or follow-up questions.

48. Thank you letter

If you’ve had an interview with person A, and were told during that interview that next steps would be an interview with person B, but you’ve already got the invitation for the interview with person B less than 2 hours after your interview with person A and haven’t sent a thank you letter yet, should you still send a thank you letter to person A? And if yes (which I suspect is the answer) should it be any different then a regular thank you letter?

Yes. It doesn’t necessarily need to be different than it normally would be, but you could mention that you’re looking forward to talk with person B as a next step.

47. New Younger Coworker Holding Doors

We have a new younger male coworker that I don’t particularly enjoy working with who is new to the working world. Unfortunately, I am one of his supervisors.

I am fifteen years his senior and he often tries to hold the door open. He goes to great lengths so it doesn’t feel like a coworker thing, but more of a m’lady, chivalry thing.

I feel weird about it, I’m not sure why. Should I say something?

Is he holding it open for men too, or just women? If just women, the reason it feels weird is because he’s relating to you as a woman first rather than as his colleague/boss, and he shouldn’t be. You can make a point of declining — “no, you go ahead” — and see if that gets the message across.

46. Employee with excuses

I’m a new manager with an employee who isn’t meeting expectations. He does the bare minimum when given small, discrete tasks with a clear deadline, but this is a faculty position where we expect him to create and manage much of his own workload. Even when meeting regularly on his progress, he struggles to get from vague idea to plan to execution. And when he receives feedback, he’s a flutter of excuses (“I was too sick to work” -> Then you should’ve taken sick time!” -> “I didn’t know you wanted me to come into the office every day” -> It’s not a remote position!, etc.). I’m struggling to sufficiently communicate that it’s actually not my role to hold his hand through every detail and every intermediate deadline of every project, and our expectation is for him to manage those projects himself. Do you have some go-to phrases to use with employees like this to give them feedback and clearly set expectations?

“The requirements of this job are YXZ, and part of that is working independently to lay out a plan and execute it. I’m here as a sounding board, but the person in your job owns the responsibility of driving those projects forward and managing details like X and Y.” Frankly, it sounds like time to also say, “What I’m seeing as your strengths are ABC, whereas this job needs XYZ.” It sounds like he may not be the right match for the job.

45. Are some organizations more toxic than others?

I came from education and moved to a non-profit organization. My new organization is one of the top workplaces in our area, and it’s like night and day. I hear so much from teachers, and of course we see people leaving the profession in droves. Is that industry more toxic than most? Are small business more toxic than larger ones?

As a rule, I do think you find more dysfunction in small businesses than in larger ones. In larger ones, there are more checks and balances. In smaller orgs, one or two problematic personalities can have an outsized impact.

44. Burnout in employee who won’t stop working

I have a new employee who wants to work all the time (we’re in an industry where work does happen at all hours, but we have plans in place so someone isn’t doing it on their own). I’ve tried to stop him from being ‘on’ at all hours, but he’s salaried and since OT isn’t an issue, thinks he needs to be. A couple weeks ago he told me I was right and he was burnt out already, but then the cycle just continued. Any wording to get him to slow down?

Tell him directly to stop. Normally I’d say to use a lighter touch since normally it would be overstepping to say “you absolutely cannot do this” if overtime pay isn’t an issue, but if he’s already telling you he’s burned out while he’s still new, it’s reasonable to say, “I am concerned by what you told me, and I can see that you’re working more than you need to be. For the next month, I want you to stay logged out of work stuff once you leave for the day. No exceptions unless you clear them with me first. You’re worth more to me working reasonable hours and still here in a year, than working round the clock but leaving in three months because you’re exhausted.” You can also mention he’s modeling bad behavior for coworkers, or for other teams who will develop unreasonable expectations about when they can reach him.

43. The waiting game

is it reasonable to wait between an email telling you that you will receive an offer once it is approved and getting the actual offer? At what point can you ask for a status without seeming impatient?

Yes, sometimes there’s a delay in between hearing the offer is coming and it actually showing up. When it’s first mentioned, it’s okay to ask what timeline they’re working on. And if it’s been a few days (four-ish?) and you’ve heard nothing, it’s fine to check in and ask if they’re able to give you a sense of when you’ll hear from them. It’s OK to say, “I’m talking with other companies but I’m most interested in working with you, so I’m wondering if you can give me an idea of your timeline.”

42. AAM

How do you decide what letters to answer?

It’s a combination of what I think is interesting, useful, entertaining, and also frankly what I am motivated to write about that day. There is a LOT of writing that goes into this site every week and the only way to make it sustainable and not feel like a chore is to let myself pick letters based on what is speaking to me at the time I’m sitting down to write. I also think about recency/frequency — if I’ve just written on a topic recently, I try not to do it again right away unless it’s a different aspect of the same issue (and in that case, sometimes doing those close together can be an interesting juxtaposition — there are actually two letters like that coming tomorrow, the first about anxiety in a coworker, and the second about anxiety in a boss).

41. How to gracefully reject a counteroffer you didn’t really want?

I recently received a job offer from another non-profit in my city. When I told my (pretty great) boss, I got nervous and instead of just resigning, I asked for a counteroffer. I like my job and what I do, and more than that I really love my team, but I think I want to accept the other offer. So basically I am putting my boss through hoops, making her look into a potential counteroffer that I should never have seemed open to in the first place. How do I reject it gracefully? Because she’s genuinely trying, but it is time to move on.

Yeah, tell her now so she doesn’t expend any more of her own capital on it. “I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve decided to take the other offer. I know you’re in the middle of trying to put together a counteroffer for me, but I’ve realized that I’m committed to moving on because of ___. I really appreciate you trying to make it work though.”

40. Hierarchy Drama

What’s the most tactful way for me to ask my manager if I actually have to take direction from someone I work with?

“Can you clarify Jane’s role in regard to my position? When she makes suggestions for my projects, is that input I can take or leave depending on what I think makes sense, or are those instructions I should definitely follow?”

39. why are we meeting in the metaverse?

My company bought oculus headsets for us so we could have a business meeting in the metaverse. Am I suddenly becoming Old and Out Of Touch or is this as eyeroll-y as I think?

I am also Old but I vote eyeroll-y.

Read an update to this letter. 

38. How to support ‘toxic’ coworker

I’ve got a coworker who is very knowledgeable and who is mostly very fond of me and we usually work well together. She’s got a lot going on in her life (primary caregiver for a chronically ill relative) and has a tendency to lash out when something goes wrong.

Example: there was a data issue with something we do, and she intermittently makes references that *I* did something to cause it. (This data issue existed BEFORE my time at our company and I actually don’t have any access to update the data.) I decided to just take it on the chin and apologize, but she keeps bringing it up.

That sort of thing doesn’t really bother me, but I’m not the only recipient of this type of behavior, and she’s rubbed people the wrong way and has been demoted. She has a reputation for being someone who is difficult to work with in general. She has asked me to let her know if she’s ever too over-the-top in meetings, and I’m not sure how exactly to give her feedback without damaging our work relationship. (Yes, I know she ASKED – but I’m not sure how she will take the truth.)

You’re not obligated to do something that could be risky to you just because she asked. If you trusted her to take the feedback well, it would be different. But maybe you could ask her: “If I ever notice something like that, how exactly would you want me to tell you? I’ll be honest, I’d worry about damaging our work relationship.”

37. Can I ask to talk with female employees during the interview process?

As a female software developer currently looking to leave her current company (for a number of reasons that could go in a longer question), I’ve been interviewing around, always with a panel of men (almost always exclusively white men at that). One common thing that I hear is how great Company X’s diversity programs are, but always from the viewpoint of white men. My company also has “great diversity programs”, unless you ask the female devs (all 2 of us in a company of 100+ devs).

So, can I ask to speak with, even informally, with female devs at the companies I’m interviewing with to get their perspective on things? If so, what’s the best way to do so?

One thing I have going for me is that female devs with my experience are hard to come by, so I seem to be in high demand (even if only as a token hire).

Yes, absolutely you can. “Can you put me in touch with some female developers so I can hear about their perspective on working here?”

36. Don’t want to work

I like my job and I like the organization I work for, I’ve had a string of fantastic roles but I still never WANT to work. Is there something wrong with me? I’d rather do anything but work, even when it’s work I enjoy?

No, you are normal. That’s why they pay us! Most of us would rather be in control of our own time. Lord knows I’d like to be napping most of the time.

35. Culture question

I’m one of four full-time employees supporting a sales force of about fifty people. The four of us work in the office full time, but there’s space available for any sales personnel who wish to work from the office. Some do, some don’t. The problem is that the ones that spend time in the office REALLY like to party and routinely hold after-hours get-togethers in the office.

It’s part of company culture, but it’s starting to get out of control. They fill the fridge with alcohol to the point that our lunches don’t fit. They forget to close the refrigerator door, leaving our food to go bad. We don’t want to be petty, but we loose food on a regular basis. I feel like like my cottage cheese deserves as much space as their beer, but many days it gets crowded out. They also leave messes: like I spent a week with a giant, plastic tub of warm craft beer floating in ice-melt just hanging out under my desk. I finally threw it all out because it got a little disgusting.

We have spoken to our manager but nothing changes. We have cleaned-up their messes, thrown out partial bottles, etc. Sometimes they notice and complain, but they don’t quite know who did it. Many offices in our company have similar issues, but ours seems particularly egregious. This isn’t personal. I do drink alcohol myself, but I do it with my friends on my own time, not in the office. Liability could be an issue here. We are also concerned about the possibility that there are those who might be triggered by all the alcohol consumption, but are not brave enough to speak up. Do you have any advice on how to address this? Our manager often joins in the parties, but that’s also part of our company culture. And some of the major drinkers are important sales persons who have earned company acclaim. Are we out of line in wanting fridge space? We’re considering just buying our own fridge. Do we have any recourse here?

The drinking culture sounds widespread enough that it’s going to be hard to change without it coming from the top. But you should ask for a separate fridge for the support staff (ideally in a separate location so the sales staff don’t just take it over).

34. Employee insists on “keeping up with emails” while on vacation

I have an employee who has proactively told me that he will be “keeping up on his emails” while on his upcoming multi-day vacation. A lot of our team’s work is initiated via email so keeping up with emails can often translate into actual work tasks needing to be done.

I have repeatedly told my team that no one is ever expected to work while on PTO even if they are enjoying a “staycation”. Team members are expected to back each other up and I am also available to pick up any slack. While I know I can’t physically stop my employees from checking their emails when they are out (nor do I want to become a micromanaging email cop) I am concerned about the impression this sets for the departments we support, that we operate in an “always on” culture, which we don’t.

I remind my team about the need for setting proper boundaries and tell them that just because someone comes to you with an issue that they feel is urgent doesn’t mean it automatically becomes urgent for you. If this employee does end up responding to emails while on vacation, it may cause confusion if his backup is already dealing with that issue.

While I admire his drive to prove he is a good team player, his insistence on keeping up with work while out sets a bad precedent for the team. I am tempted to tell him that going forward, I don’t care if he checks his email but I don’t want to hear about it and he must not respond to messages from his departments. If he ignores these instructions, we will have a serious conversation upon his return. Do you have any other advice about how to get him to stop this behavior or am I making a mountain out of an email mole hill here?

“You’re welcome to check your email if you want to — although I’d prefer that you fully disconnect so you come back refreshed — but I don’t want you responding to anything while you’re away. We’re setting up coverage for you so it’s going to cause confusion if you’re responding to things that your back-up is already working on. Deal?”

And all your points are well taken.

33. Phone in Meeting

What is your opinion about someone quietly playing games on/using their phone in a 4 hour meeting when their contribution is approximately 5 minutes. (Essentially it is several meetings with a customer rolled into one)

If it’s a customer meeting, they shouldn’t be playing on their phone; rightly or wrongly, it looks bad. But I’d argue the bigger questions is: do they really need to be there for that entire time? Can they be brought in just for the relevant section?

32. Multiple letter submissions

What do you think about people who submit the same letter to multiple advice columns (like to you and Dear Prudence and Hax)?

It’s an understandable impulse — I assume they don’t know if they’re going to get an answer from anyone so figure they’ll cover all their bases. Or maybe they want different perspectives on their situation. It doesn’t seem to me like an unfair number of bites at the apple, if that’s what you mean.

And it’s interesting to see how the answers differ when it happens! (And also sometimes not surprising that we all spot that same letter in our mail and pick it to answer — there are some letters that are irresistible.)

31. getting up and sitting down

I’ve read before that if you have a desk job/ sit all day that you should get up every hour and stretch or walk around for ten minutes or so. Is that actually acceptable to do? This sounds like a crazy question I’m sure, but if your productivity isn’t affected by doing this, that seems ok right? But then again you wouldn’t be producing work during those stretch breaks…

It *should* be acceptable, but you’re right that in a lot of jobs it would seem like a lot of time when you add it all up. Capitalism!

Try to combine it with other stuff you need to get up for anyway — going by someone’s desk to talk to them, getting coffee, hitting the bathroom, etc., although it still might not add up to 10 minutes every hour.

30. Resume

What kind of achievements can I list if I work as a receptionist? There are no goals in the job and no advancements

Imagine someone in the job who was doing it badly, or even just sort of mediocrely. What’s the difference between the way you do the job and the way that person does that job? That’s what your resume bullet points should capture. For example, maybe it’s “Interactions with office visitors regularly elicited unsolicited praise” or “promptly and efficiently answered and directed calls for busy 65-person office” or so forth.

29. New job adjustments

How long should it take to tell if a job is “right” for you or not? I started a job three months ago, and while the promise of projects is exciting, it’s been very slow and the culture around onboarding/filling your plate seems to be a long one. How long is too long to wait for it to pick up?

I think you need more information. Can you talk to your boss and ask what timeline to expect for more work coming your way, and what that process will look like, so you know what to expect?

28. Dishonest manager

I recently resigned from my job. There were many reasons, but one is that I realized my manager was generally a dishonest person. She’s friendly and nice and desperately wants to be liked. As a result of being totally unable to have direct conversations, she often straight-up lies: She says she’s handling a problem that she actually isn’t; she tells one employee that “Joe said they’d be happy to do XYZ!” and then tells Joe the inverse, etc. I know she is going to ask me why I’m leaving. Is there any way I can say “You lie too much” in a way that she will actually hear and process? Or do I just say nothing and stay on good terms?

The only reason to say it would be if you wanted the personal satisfaction of saying it. If you’re hoping she’ll hear and learn from it, she won’t. I’d say nothing and leave on good terms.

27. Interview upcoming

I work in an office with a lot of turnover. In the eight years I’ve been here I’ve had three bosses, six people in the fiscal position, six people in the coordinator position, and various other positions that come and go. Since we have such frequent turnover, my old position was combined with the fiscal one (both grossly underpaid) and I now do two full time jobs for still terrible pay. I have an interview coming up. When they ask me why I am looking to leave my current position, is it okay to say because of the pay and high turnover? Or does that come across as too negative?

The fact that you’ve been there eight years is a very good reason! You could simply say, “I’ve been here eight years and I’m ready for something new.” No one will question that. (That’s not to say the others aren’t acceptable reasons, but this one is even more bland and neutral, in a good way.)

26. In a perfect world…

If you had the power, what single mandatory employment law would you enact?

Would it be something fanciful (like that each employee has the opportunity once every 12 months to vote to keep/change/demote/fire their Manager), or would it be something practical (like minimum annual leave conditions)?

I think I would make it easier to enforce the laws we already have. Employers get away with violating so many workplace laws because the bar for employees to take legal action against them is so high. That’s not generally the case with really straightforward stuff like wage violations, but it’s definitely the case with things like discrimination, harassment, and retaliation.

25. Iced coffee or hot coffee?

Is iced coffee or hot coffee better?

Iced coffee. Hot tea.

24. I quit no-notice; could I have handled it better?

This Monday, I quit a job that I’d been working at since March of this year. The advertised job role was one of an “administrative sales assistant” to the semi-retired company founder and his son. In reality, I was performing the role of an executive/personal assistant, a sales administrator, and a salesperson, since the son largely does not perform his job and all responsibility for his performance would eventually fall on me: did I make sure he was following up on his new leads? Did I make sure he’d responded to his current customers? Did I ensure that he passed on updated pricing, sometimes acquiring updated costs, applying the desired margin, and sending along the numbers myself?

I had tried to negotiate commensurate pay for my increased responsibilities (I was making 37k a year), with consideration that I hadn’t been there long. When it was made clear that that would not happen (even though my boss had hinted at me earning commission around month 1), I asked about implementing a process for delineating between my listed job description and the son’s responsibilities, and how to proceed when he was pushing his job onto me. This conversation was had 2-3 times and nothing was ever implemented by my boss or the son’s (supposed) boss, the VP of sales.

My boss (the company president), the founder, and the son all spoke with vitriol about my predecessors. My boss had also recently laid off one of my coworkers without notice, and had been known to fire people in response to them putting in a notice. So, this Monday, I realized that I would rather be dead broke than work another day at the company. I packed up my things, left my paperwork in order, and told my boss I was quitting, effective immediately. I explained that, based on how the son had spoken about my predecessors, I believed that work would become a hostile environment if I were to put in a notice. He said, simply, “well, I don’t appreciate that. Goodbye.” and turned away from me. I said some goodbyes to my coworkers and walked out.

I’m so, so glad I’m not working there any more, but I still feel a deeply ingrained sense of guilt. The son sent me a long text about his disappointment, and the founder called me and said he was also disappointed. Both expressed that I should have “talked to [them] about it,” but it ultimately came down to that the son was making 6 figures while I did his work.

In short: was I wrong to quit no-notice? Or could I have handled this better? Our HR person and one of the top sales people who trained me both encouraged me to quit as soon as I was ready, and both are providing references as to the quality of my work.

If your boss has a track record of making people leave as soon as they give notice, it shouldn’t be any surprise that people will start to leave without giving notice. Why would they? That’s what this guy gets.

There’s always the question of what you might lose by doing it this way (like a reference if he’s contacted directly) but if you decided any possible trade-offs were worth it to you, you don’t need to feel guilty.

23. What language should I learn?

I am working at a tech company that does business around the world. One of our available “lifestyle benefits” is a subscription to a language learning program. After English, what language do you think would be most valuable in today’s workplace?

It depends on your field and your location! But absent any other information, if you’re in the U.S. I’d say Spanish.

22. Management Tools & Techniques

What are some of your favorite tools (applications, etc.) and/or techniques for effective team/process management? E.g. “Trello”, or “Use a recurring calendar event to reserve time for focused work.” Just the most impactful (and perhaps easiest to overlook) things which come to your mind.

Postmortems — debriefing a project after it’s over to figure out what went well, what could have gone better, and why.

Also regular one-on-ones as a way to stay engaged with the work your staff members are doing and have a regular place to giving feedback and talk about priorities, obstacles, etc. If you use them well, they’re essential. (Too often managers don’t use them particularly well though and they end up not feeling like a great use of time.)

21. Peer to Manager – when everyone leaves

I recently went from being a long standing member of a team (one of the last original members from 3 previous managers ago) to now being the manager. Since my new position, the other 2 long standing members of the team that were direct peers in position have left. They have promised up one side and down the other that “it’s not me,” but it’s certainly hard to not feel that way. On the flip side, I am excited that I now get to build MY team. Is it wrong to feel that way?

I don’t think it’s wrong, as long as you’re taking a rigorously honest look at whether things on the team might have driven them away. Two people isn’t a huge pattern, but it’s always good to look at stuff like that (because people will rarely tell you that it’s you).

20. When will I feel settled at a new job?

I just started a new job in July in a highly technical field (PhD + 5 years post experience) when should I feel ‘settled’? 3 months? 6 months? When will I be ‘useful’?

I can’t speak to your field specifically, but if a general answer is helpful — I think in many jobs there’s often a moment about 3 months in when it suddenly feels like things are starting to click in a way they weren’t before, but it’s often 6 months before you really feel settled and like you’re useful.

19. Probation Period

How much notice is required if you quit within a probation/introductory period? I recently quit a new job while in my probation period, my offer letter did not specify a specific notice period to give, just that employment is at will and both I and the company could part ways at any time. The job was basically a bait and switch and I was really unhappy and dreaded going into work every day. I gave notice and said that I could work through the week if they wanted, assuming that they were going to let me go that same day. They balked and said I needed to give a months notice. I think they’re out of their gourd. What it typical when you quit during your probation period?

It’s less a question of the probation period and more a question of how new you are. Some probation periods last a year or longer! But if you’ve been there a couple of months or less, offering to work out the remainder of the week is perfectly reasonable. Your company expecting a month is ridiculous and they were indeed out of their gourds.

18. Can a candidate be too honest during the hiring process?

I recently had a candidate who cancelled a round of interviews, citing not feeling mentally ready after a breakup that occurred some months ago. This would have already been a factor when the interviews were scheduled initially, so it adds some concern to the sudden cancellation. Normally I’m all for honesty from both sides during a hiring process, but am I right to think this would be a yellow to orange flag?

It’s definitely an unusual thing to say and it raises some questions about … resiliency. And judgment too, really, in that they said it. So yeah, I’d be concerned. I wouldn’t necessarily reject outright over it, but I’d be looking for other indicators on those fronts.

17. Fostering

How is fostering going?

Good! We’re taking a break right now because my mom is sick and I want to be fully available to her but I highly recommend it. Especially fostering teenagers — there is a huge shortage of foster homes willing to take teenagers and a lot of them end up in group homes or sleeping in social workers’ offices as a result.

All: If you have ever thought about fostering, and especially if you have ever thought about fostering teenagers, please contact your city/county and they can tell you more about the process in your area.

(And also teenagers are funny! And you will discover so much new music — my phone is full of Megan Thee Stallion now.)

16. How can I stop helping my friend?

I have a friend from college who truly makes unwise decisions. He has had some bad luck that isn’t his fault but he also quits jobs to get-rich ideas, then whines on social media about being left alone. He needs help I can’t give him.

But now that I’ve gotten to a good place professionally, he keeps asking me to refer him to things. He is very very sensitive, but I wouldn’t trust this guy to complete any job. Is there a gentle way to let him down or am I doomed to slowly freeze him out or enrage him by being forceful?

Am I reading correctly that you’ve never worked with him? If so, there’s your easy out: “I can’t recommend you because we’ve never worked together. My reference wouldn’t carry any weight.” If necessary you can add, “And it’s been drilled into me that I can’t vouch for people professionally unless I know their work firsthand.”

15. What should student employees learn in college jobs?

As someone who manages student employees (in a college/university setting – they are serving as peer educators) – what are the most helpful things for them to learn about working and professionalism? They are working very part-time (3-10 hours/week) and arrive with a range of professional experiences. There is required training as part of the job where we sometimes focus on professional development and their career goals (frequently as they relate to the work) and I want to make that space as valuable as possible for their future work experiences.

How to receive feedback. How and when to ask for help. How to observe what’s happening around you to figure out the culture (in both large and small ways — from how people answer their phones to understanding the dress code to how to be in meetings to how to agreeably disagree). What good business writing looks like (because it’s very different from academic writing). And when someone asks to talk to you, always bring something to take notes.

14. Eating at work events

Please settle a debate I have with my partner. He says at work events with food, you should break the ice and get up to eat first because no one likes the uncomfortable dance of “no, you first.” I am a passive aggressive midwesterner through and through and believe you should eat last (especially if you/your dept is hosting). In 15 years together, this is one of our only disagreements so your input is much appreciated!

I actually think it depends on the context. If you’re very senior, ideally you’d hang back and ensure others get to eat before you do (you don’t want a situation where all the senior people take the best food and the lower-paid staff who have more reason to appreciate free food get left with the dregs). On the other hand, though, if no one is going up to get food, you can do a good deed by leading the way and breaking the ice. It’s also a good deed to say, “Let’s have all the interns come up here first.” (On the other hand, then you will get interns who deliberately take less food than they really want because they worry about looking greedy and they haven’t seen how much others find reasonable to take yet, so really this is much more of a clusterfuck than I thought when I first started writing this answer.) (Except that it’s not because you, I, and your partner are all overthinking it.)

13. good definition of manager/management

In a recent conversation I realised there isn’t widespread agreement on what it means to manage or to be a manager. I didn’t find any simple definitions in your book or the AAM website.

Do you have a simple elevator definition for what the job of a manager is?

In my book for managers, my co-author and I define the job of a manager as to get excellent results through other people. That sounds awfully broad, I know, but so many things follow logically from that — it means you need to set the right goals, ones that represent meaningful progress but without being unrealistic or insufficiently ambitious. It means you need to hire and retain a great team and develop their skills. It means you need to be the kind of manager people want to work for (since otherwise your great team will all leave). It means you need to clear about what you expect, help people meet your expectations, and get everyone aligned around a common purpose.

12. Embarrassed by Age

I (22) am fairly new at my job, it’s my first post-college job, and have realized that the large majority of people in comparable positions at other organizations are usually in the mid-30s to 40s. People often assume that I’m in my mid to late 20’s but not that I’m fresh out of college. I’m worried that if they found out my actual age that I would not be taken as seriously as I would be if I was older. Is it weird/unethical, if when asked what I did before I got here, to be vague about my past job history and just go “oh I worked at XYZ” but leave out the fact that I was actually just an intern there?

It’s not unethical. It’s accurate!

But I also, I think you might be feeling more weird about this than they would if they knew your age.

11. We Don’t Talk About Sal-a-ry, No, No

I know it’s not legal for employers to tell you you that non-supervisory coworkers can’t talk amongst themselves about salary. Is it legal for employers to put clauses in their handbooks/sign-on paperwork stating non-supervisory coworkers can’t talk about salary amongst themselves then pull the “Well you signed this, so you can’t talk about it, stop” routine?

Nope.

10. Recommended books

Do you read all of your recommended books the week that you recommend them? If so, what happens if you don’t like the book you read that week? Are you reading multiples books every week? (Love the recs!)

No, they’re not all from that week! Sometimes I didn’t read anything that week, and sometimes I didn’t like whatever I read enough to recommend it. So on those weeks I just pick a book that I read and liked in the past — long ago when I first started doing a weekly book recommendation, I made an initial list of stuff I loved and wanted to recommend. So when there’s not something I read and loved this week, I just pick something off that older list.

9. How do I respond when I get a raise?

How should I respond when I receive notice of a raise? We are notified several months after performance reviews, usually through a somewhat formal letter emailed by my boss (I work remotely). I never really know what to say. I usually say “Thanks!” and end up feeling like a clod.

“Thank you, I appreciate it!” is perfectly fine (and normal).

8. No Contact After Interview

How common is it to just never hear back from a company after you’ve applied and interviewed? This has happened to me twice now, both with presumably reputable agencies – I applied, interviewed, thought it went well, and never heard from them again. Is this normal?

So, so, so, so common. Companies routinely ghost applicants, even after multiple interview rounds. It’s rude as hell, but it’s incredibly common.

7. Bring straightforward about performance issues

I have two direct reports current struggling with performance – one due to quality issues in his work, and the other with attitude problems. I’m somewhat new to managing and I’m really struggling with how to talk to these two:

For the first, it seems like either his past manager wasn’t totally up-front with him about the quality issues being the main reason for not being promoted/given increased responsibilities – that, or the past manager was, and he just refuses to acknowledge it. I get the feeling like he drastically underestimates the effect past quality issues have had on our trust in him and seems impatient for us to move past it. He also is starting to display some bitterness about other people being promoted before him. I’m sort of concerned that no matter what I say, he’s already got this idea in his head that we’re taking a couple of minor issues too seriously and are committed to being unfair to him.

For the second, I’m just not sure how to say “you need to be not completely unpleasant to deal with.” She has a habit of jumping to the worst possible conclusion about others’ motivations/intentions and responding aggressively to people outside our team. Part of her job is dealing with other people effectively; I genuinely don’t understand how she could have gotten as far as she has if she behaves this way. I keep having conversations with her about individual behaviors/incidents, but it feels like this is a bigger problem (ego/overall negative outlook) that seems inappropriate for me to try to address.

For the first: I would name what you’re seeing. “I’m getting the sense that you think too much weight is being put on X and that you’re impatient that it’s still an issue. I want to be up-front with you that I see these as serious issues and I will need to see significant, sustained improvement in those areas before I can give you additional responsibility. I’m of course willing to listen to your perspective if you want to share it, but I want to make sure you have a full understanding of where things stand right now.”

For the second: “Part of your job is maintaining good relationships with colleagues, which includes things like XYZ. That’s part of what you’re being paid for, and it’s as much a part of your job as meeting deadlines or producing error-free work. I need to see changes like ____ in how you work with people.”

I would also start thinking about what you’ll do if you don’t see those changes — is it bad enough that you’d move her out of the role? If so, I’d be up-front about that too if the first conversation doesn’t get through to her.

6. I’m seeing a coworker… we aren’t “out” yet, and this offends a third coworker.

Per my company’s policy, the dating thing is above board. We’re at the same level of seniority so neither of us is in charge of the other. We’re both… shy, private people, so we haven’t come out at work yet, which wouldn’t be an issue if me being “single” didn’t apparently physically pain another coworker.

Short of coming out as “I’m dating so and so,” is there a way to say “Please don’t involve yourself in my relationship status?”

Good lord, whether you were dating someone or not, your pushy coworker needs to back way off! How to say it will depend on how pointed you’re comfortable being, but it would be very reasonable to say, “I don’t want to discuss my dating life at work, please stop bringing it up” … and if it continues, “It’s really weird that you keep raising this after I’ve asked you to stop.”

5. Rejected for being an MBA candidate

I was recently laid off and am now job hunting. I am also in the process of getting my MBA. I have it on my resume with an expected graduation date about a year and a half in the future.

I recently made it to the final round of interviews at a company and they asked about my plans with my MBA. I said most of my experience was self taught or hodge podge (I’m an analyst with a liberal arts degree and I learned most of my skills from free classes or Google). I want to fill in the gaps, advance my career, and I just genuinely love learning. The interviewers were unimpressed. I did not receive an offer because they said MBA candidates would always want a promotion once they had their degree and they didn’t envision one. My degree is close to two years in the future so a promotion doesn’t seem that unreasonable (I didn’t say this).

Is this a thing? Do MBAs in progress read as too aggressive? Did I answer the question wrong?

If you’re in the middle of getting a graduate degree, most interviewers’ assumption is going to be that you want to use it professionally in some way. (That’s especially true of an MBA.) So yeah, they’re going to assume you’ll either leave quickly, or want a promotion quickly, or just that your professional interests don’t line up with the job. Or even if they don’t assume it’s *definitely* going to be the case, they’ll figure it’s likely enough that they’d rather focus on other candidates who don’t have that particular risk profile.

4. Am I doing everything wrong?

I read an article that said that you should apply for jobs that you meet 40-70% of the criteria because recruiters don’t want to hire people who are 100% a match because there isn’t enough room for growth and people are more likely to get bored and leave. Is that accurate?

Assuming it is, I am wondering if I have been choosing jobs to apply for poorly, because I am attempting to change fields. I have a masters degree and some experience from my previous job which I was in for like a decade. I have been mostly applying for jobs that require 0-3 of experience because my experience is mostly in a different field (although I was able to get some experience in my previous role and there is crossover). Should I be looking for positions that are more of a stretch?

I’d say a lot of hiring managers do like to hire people who meet 100% of the criteria, but that they’re often very, very willing to hire people who meet less than that — like 75-80% of the criteria, as long as the ones you do meet are key things. You’re not entry level because you have a decade of work experience, even though it’s in another field, so I wouldn’t apply to jobs that are targeting people with zero years. Try applying for more of a mix and include positions that are a little higher than what you’ve been going for, and see what happens!

3. Is everyone really saying “commentariat”

Or are you editing them and putting that word in there? I see it so much here!

It’s not me! I say “commenters.” I think “commentariat” is an internet thing though.

2. Should I give my co-worker advice

I recently had a meeting with my manager and other 2 co-workers. At this meeting my much younger and new to the company co-worker expressed how bored she is, how slow things are, and have been since she got here. She came from another company doing a similar job but in a different setting. Think an urgent care nurse versus private clinic. My manager was trying to be sympathetic and supportive, but didn’t just honestly say that this is how things are in this practice, and they aren’t going to change. Should I have a talk with her and let her know that this is just how things are, and if she isn’t happy she should look for other opportunities? Or keep my mouth shut and do my job?

It sounds like it would be a kindness to let her know what to expect there. There’s some risk that if you have this talk, it could get back to your manager, so if that’s a concern I’d choose your framing with that in mind — i.e., maybe don’t suggest she job search, but do lay out for her a realistic picture of how things work there and what’s reasonable/isn’t reasonable to expect. (And yes, it’s BS that you have to think about whether to pull your punches, but I think you can convey the important stuff here regardless.)

1. Should I take away responsibilities from an employee because they seem to trigger anxiety/panic attacks?

One of my team members overseas a large team of people. He is amazing at his job! And the reason he is so amazing is that he is personally invested in every person on his team. Unfortunately, he is so invested that when things happen outside of his control, like schedule changes or people quitting, he gets anxious, even to the point of panic attacks.

Some aspects of our job are not going to change: we work in an industry with high turnover, so people are going to quit. But one thing I can change is to take responsibilities off of his plate that seem to cause more anxiety.

I hesitate to do this, because he is amazing at his job and I don’t want to undermine him. However, I want the best for him as a person; I don’t want him to be in a role that causes so much anxiety. However, I think if I asked him about this, he would balk at losing those responsibilities. But should I do it anyway, for what I see to be his own good? That seems to be a huge overreach in trying to solve someone else’s problems, but it is hard for me to see him get so anxious.

I don’t think you should take things off his plate if it’s just because it’s hard for you to see him get anxious. But I do think you should look at the impact on you/others/the workflow when he starts panicking — if it’s affecting you/others/the work, that’s a legitimate discussion to have with him.