Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I kick a coworker out of our social huddles?

I am an associate director and lead a team of three (mixed genders, some very new to the workforce). We work remotely, and each department has an optional weekly 30-minute huddle, purely social. My team and I usually chat about pleasant but inoffensive topics, like books, pets, gardening, etc.

About a year ago, Tim, a director I am close with, hired Jane for a newly created position. Tim oversees two departments plus Jane; the other departments are very introverted and 100% male (we are working to fix this, but turnover is low so there aren’t many new hires). After discussion with Tim, I invited Jane to join our huddles in hopes of helping her feel more connected.

However, recently Jane has been getting inappropriately personal and negative, talking about her dating life, her poor financial situation when she makes more than my staff, politics, and even applying to other jobs! So far, I have been redirecting the conversation to something neutral when she does this, but it’s getting exhausting and I am not always successful. It’s setting a bad example for my other employees and is very uncomfortable.

Should I talk to Jane and ask her to keep away from these topics? Talk to Tim? Disinvite her from our huddles? She has mentioned several times how much she enjoys our huddles and isn’t well connected to other employees, so I am worried about the impact on her morale if I disinvite her.

Talk to Jane one-on-one. It’s your huddle so it makes sense that you be the one to do it; if Tim does it, it’ll be a lot more awkward (since it’ll be clear you spoke to him rather than just talking with her yourself).

Approach it the way you would if Jane were, say, misreading the room at a meeting with clients — a matter-of-fact correction with a “just letting you know so you can fix it” tone. For example: “I wanted to tell you that we try to keep the huddles pretty light —books, pets, gardening, that kind of thing. No politics, and nothing too personal like dating or personal finances (especially when you earn more than others there). I realized I should have told you at the start so wanted to explain it now!” That last part is important — in the future, it’s worth setting up expectations from the start with new people so you don’t encounter this again. It’s easy to feel like people should just get it — and a lot of people will figure it out by observing — but not everyone will, and it’s a kindness to everyone to help newcomers avoid blunders.

However, it might be useful to think through what the guidelines really are and not just define them by Jane’s missteps. For example, is all dating talk really off-limits or is the problem that Jane has been inappropriately detailed? My hunch is that it’s the latter, and if that’s the case you don’t want your guidance to be overly broad or you risk changing the informal feel of the gatherings.

2. Disclosing PTSD at work

I’ve been working at a company that is extremely busy for about a year, but I have two excellent supervisors who really care about their employees health and wellbeing. I’m in my mid 20’s and a survivor of really severe child abuse. I have diagnosed post traumatic stress disorder, which I’ve been in treatment for. Nobody ever knew what was going on (my parents were very good at hiding this from everyone) so I stayed with them until I was 18. After a lot of therapy I finally cut them off recently, but they have been doing everything in their power to try to get in touch with me.

Prior to this job, every time I would have an argument with one of my parents, I would completely spiral. Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, the whole nine yards. I ended up quitting/no-call no-showing/getting hospitalized for weeks at a time at several jobs. Basically, I couldn’t function, and the abuse was really, really affecting my career. Now I’m in this great job, and have cut off contact, but I’m starting to experience other symptoms at work. Whenever anyone is loud (even just laughing or doing a large presentation) in the office, I flinch at the noise and often vomit. If I have a pressing deadline, I have panic attacks because I’m so terrified of the consequences, and I’ve never missed a deadline at this job. I freak out some days because I’m scared my mom or dad might call my job to try and find me (they’ve done this multiple times before). I’m in intensive therapy, but I’m constantly scared and on edge at work, and I think my managers can tell. I’m torn between maintaining the status quo or just telling my managers what’s going on. For what it’s worth, this company has stated they care about employee mental health (and have backed that up with tangible actions) but I worry that this is so much more severe than the typical “I have burn out and need a break” conversation. Should I talk to them about this? Should I tell them I have PTSD but not why I do? I just worry about my parents calling my manager some day. If you were my manager, would you want to know?

I have a good relationship with both my bosses and they have been explicit that they care about employees physical and mental health, and that those things are more important than work. By far the best managers I’ve had during my short career.

First, you can definitely let your managers know that you have a difficult family situation, are concerned your parents may call some day to try to find you, and want to put safeguards in place in case that happens. What those safeguards are depends on what you’d be comfortable with — it could be that whoever answers your phones is told not to confirm that you work there, or that all your calls go to voicemail for screening first, or even just that your managers know this is a thing and that they shouldn’t speak to your parents if one of them calls. This is not a weird thing to raise — you’d probably be surprised by how many letters I get from people who need to do this. Good managers will want to do whatever they can to help you feel safe.

Second, if you think your managers are noticing some of your fear/trauma response, it might be worth letting them know that you’re dealing with PTSD. You don’t need to go into detail; it’s enough to just say you’re in treatment for PTSD. You can say it’s from family stuff if you want, but you don’t need to. Managers usually go into “what can I do, specifically?” mode when they hear this kind of thing, so if you don’t want them to do anything differently and are just telling them so they have context for reactions they might notice, say that explicitly — “I thought I should mention this in case it explains anything you see from me that seems off. I’m not asking you to do anything or for any accommodations; I just want you to have that context in case it’s ever useful.”

On the other hand, if there are specific accommodations you would like, talk about what you’d like! It could be working from home sometimes, or a quieter space, or anything that you think would help you at work.

For the sake of caution, I need to say that there can be risk to disclosing mental health stuff to your employer. There’s less risk with PTSD than with some other stuff, but there is risk. Based on what you said about your managers, though, it sounds like you would be pretty safe having this conversation.

I’m so sorry this is happening, and for what happened in your family. I’m glad you’re out and okay.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. Can I hold my new manager to promises made by my old manager?

My old boss made me a bunch of promises in my last review: professional development plan, promotional path, financially rewarding my volunteer activities. A week later, they stepped down and my new supervisor, who had been at my same level, took over. Can I hold my new supervisor to my old supervisor’s review?

You can try, but ultimately it will be up to your new supervisor. You could say, “I’d arranged with Jane for XYZ and wanted to find out how to keep that moving now.” Your new manager might be perfectly happy to continue on the path the old manager laid out. But it’s possible she’ll want to put those things on hold while she gets the lay of the land herself first (and might end up not pursuing them, depending on her own assessment and priorities).

4. Giving candidates updates during long hiring timelines

In my field (academia) it is very common for hiring processes for competitive tenure-track positions to last five to six months from the first job posting to the final, signed offer letter (shockingly, academia moves slowly — who knew?) It is also common for no updates whatsoever to be sent out to applicants during this process, save for scheduling interviews and such for those that are progressing. Having been in this position a few years ago, I know it is massively frustrating, and I would like to change it to be more transparent. However, HR at our university says that we cannot give updates to applicants until a final, signed offer letter is received. Is there anything we can do to make this process more transparent to people who are waiting for some type of response from us? I hate knowing that we effectively ghost people who put a ton of time and energy into applications.

If you’re bound by HR’s ruling, there are two early points where you can let people know what to expect: explain to applicants both in your ad and in interviews that you expect the full process to take five to six months and that candidates won’t be updated on their status (aside from interview invitations) until the end of it. It’s not ideal, but it’s a lot easier for candidates to tolerate a lengthy, opaque process when they know from the beginning what to expect and don’t have to wonder why they haven’t heard anything. (Also, your candidates who are used to academia’s norms won’t be terribly surprised by this.)

5. Boss is inviting me to meetings during my unpaid lunch hour

I started a new job a few months ago working in an administrative role and so far I have been really enjoying it. Recently, however, my boss has started inviting me to meetings with our vendors. Usually, I wouldn’t have a problem having a quick meeting and putting a face to the names I email all day. The problem is that these meetings would happen during my one-hour unpaid lunch. They also would be very minimally beneficial for me to be a part of due to the nature of my position.

I’m not sure how to approach this with my boss without it messing up my reputation at work. I want to be looked at as someone that goes above and beyond, but I also don’t want to set a precedent that I’m willing to do what is essentially work when I’m not being paid for it. What is a professional way to handle this without it looking like I want to do the bare minimum? Should I just suck it up and go?

Is there any reason to think your boss is assuming you’ll do these meetings during your unpaid lunch hour? Unless he’s said otherwise, I’d assume that he figures you’ll take your lunch before or after them, even that means eating at a different time than you normally would. If you’re not sure or if your lunch time is normally pretty rigid, it’s fine to ask, “Okay for me to plan to take lunch at 1 that day instead of 12, so that I’m available to attend this?”

But if he explicitly says you should do it during your unpaid lunch, that’s not actually legal. Assuming you’re non-exempt, which it sounds like you are, you’re required to be paid for work meetings, even optional ones. So in that case, you could say, “I think legally we do need me to log and be paid for that time since it’s a work meeting — but I could bump my lunch back so I can join you. Or could we schedule them for before noon or after 1?”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Offensiveness in the fantasy football league

I need to gauge if I’m overreacting. It’s fantasy football season, and as an HR professional I’m studiously ignoring the emails about joining “work” leagues (due to gambling being illegal). One of our new managers has joined this league (made up of employees, former employees, and spouses of employees) and named his team “Hanging with Hernandez” and his photo is a noose. This is all in reference to Aaron Hernandez. Cue the league’s commissioner reaching out to my grandboss for help as the commissioner is “personally amused and professionally horrified.” One of this manager’s direct reports is in the league too.

We informed him of the social media policy and asked him to change all of it. He complied while stating, “It is ridiculous that anyone could find that offensive and even more ridiculous that someone would report this to HR instead of bringing it to me.”

Am I out of my mind thinking this is completely out of line? I admit that he posts political things on his LinkedIn that oppose my beliefs and that might be coloring my view of him.

I don’t know how to end this email. I’m upset that we allowed this man into our company where I’m afraid he could do real harm to our employees or even our clients.

You’re not overreacting. Joking about suicide is always going to be tasteless and most people should be able to see — especially after it is pointed out to them! — why it’s particularly inappropriate to make light of at work, where there might be (and almost certainly are) employees who have lost loved ones to suicide and/or are struggling with mental health issues themselves or in their families.

But while the team name is offensive, the manager’s reaction when you asked him to change it is worse. A tasteless joke is one thing; proudly declaring that other people’s discomfort is “ridiculous” is a much bigger problem since now you have to worry he’s likely to be saying other offensive things and shutting down team members who aren’t comfortable with that. The fact that he’s in a position of power over others makes it worse. (Also, you said he’s a new manager — is he new to your company? If so, the fact that a new employee would dig in his heels on this is … surprising, and doesn’t bode well for what other attitudes he’s carrying with him.)

Luckily, you’re in HR! Someone on your team should have a serious conversation with him about the company’s values, the values he’s expected to operate with on the job, and what sorts of things are and aren’t acceptable in his role, and find out if he feels that’s going to be a fit for him or not. (Someone should flag all this for his boss too.)

Read an update to this letter. 

2. My old manager won’t talk to any of us even though she still works here

My manager recently moved to a new role in HR at the same company. Before that, she essentially worked as a customer service manager. She was extremely well-liked and very popular with her direct reports. Honestly, she was one of the best managers I’ve ever worked with.

Since she transitioned to her new role, she refuses to talk to any of us. For example:
• My (male) coworker (who worked under her for a year and a half) asked if she wanted to meet on campus for a coffee and connect to catch up. She declined and then accused him of being romantically interested in her. They’re both married to other people with young children.
• Unfriended half of our old team on Facebook, but maintained online connections with the other half.
• Never talks to anyone from her old department.

I normally try to maintain professional relationships with past managers. However, is it a lost cause in this case?

Well, this is fascinating! It would be less surprising if you had already known her to have weird judgment, but it doesn’t sound like that was the case.

Although it’s worth asking — has she been level-headed previously, or was she one of those people who was great to work with directly but you could see she was not as great to people outside your team? In other words, is any of this in character or at least unsurprising for her, or is it all a shock?

If it’s in character/not terribly surprising, then yes, it might be a lost cause. Frankly, it might be a lost cause regardless if she’s refusing to talk to anyone from her old team. But if you’re invested enough in the relationship to do a little digging, it could be worth getting in touch, seeing how she’s doing, and trying to get a feel for what’s going on. It’s possible there’s more to the situation than you know, and if you’ve thought well of her judgment previously, it’s worth giving her some benefit of the doubt until you’ve heard from her directly.

I do wonder if some of this is about her moving to HR, specifically, since the boundaries for HR are different than for other roles. But if that’s the case, she’s navigating it with unnecessary chilliness — being in HR doesn’t require you to refuse any contact whatsoever with colleagues — and it doesn’t explain her response to the coffee attempt.

3. Is it rude not to ask about my boss’s personal situation?

I started a new job five months ago, after being at my previous company for five years. So far, I really like it. The work is interesting, work-life balance is good, and I get paid more!

A couple of weeks ago, my boss told me that he had several doctor’s appointments coming up and he was going to send me and his boss meeting invites so we know when he is out of office. I thanked him for letting me know. I did not think it would be appropriate to ask any additional questions. In the weeks since, I have gotten several of these meeting invites, and it has become somewhat clear that my boss is experiencing some type of major medical/personal issue. Other than the meeting invites, he has not mentioned anything to me directly about what is going on and it does not seem to be impacting his work. Because of that, I am choosing not to bring up these appointments to him (or anyone else); I just accept the meeting invites. In my opinion, it’s none of my business and it’s not impacting his managing me, so there’s nothing to discuss! However, is there a chance that my lack of acknowledgment could be considered impolite? If he is having a medical/personal crisis, I do wish him the best. But he seems to not want to make a big deal of whatever is going on and I am trying to follow his lead.

Yes, please do follow his lead (and your instincts) and don’t ask about it! If there’s something he wants to share, he’ll share it. It’s not rude to respect his privacy; in fact, it’s polite!

I do get why you’re wondering; you don’t want to seem uncaring if he knows that you’re seeing that something is going on. But in a business relationship — and a situation where it sounds like you’re just being made aware of the appointments because you have a work need to know about his availability — it’s safest to default to respecting his privacy.

4. My ex-boss keeps contacting me for help … because I said I might help

About a month ago, I started (a great!) new job. I am very happy — it’s a big step up and a wonderful team.

I left, however, the most toxic work environment of my life. My boss was a bully and spent 18 months berating me and I knew I had to leave when I would start dreading Mondays on Fridays. My notice period was unreal, I was expected to wrap up months and months of projects in 2 weeks and was pressured to commit to consulting afterwards. To avoid confrontation, I stated that I would have to see what my new workload was like (this was likely my mistake).

Flash forward to today, and I am getting constant meeting requests. I do not want to help but I am consumed with guilt, as a typical people pleaser. I don’t know why I still get so worked up, and I am, how can I cut ties cleanly and kindly?

If you want, you can just block the messages and meeting requests and never think about it again. But you say you want to cut ties cleanly and kindly, and the last time you talked you left your availability an open question, so the best thing to do is to send your former boss a message that says, “Unfortunately my schedule has turned out to be packed and I am fully booked for the foreseeable future. So I won’t be able to do any consulting work, but I wish you all the best with everything.” After that, if the messages continue, block without any guilt. You don’t work there anymore, and you’ll have cleared up any haziness about what your availability might be now.

5. Should I be honest with my manager if it means giving up career development?

I just started working at my first professional job about a month ago, and when my manager saw that I’m genuinely interested in and care about the work, she told me she wants to train me to be a supervisor and then eventually a manager. However, I don’t plan on staying with this job forever. In fact, I plan to only work here for two years before moving to a different state and switching to a more specific part of my field, which I’m pretty sure I mentioned during my interview. But still, I think having the role of “supervisor” on my resume when I move would look great, considering my age and how new I am to the field. My only issue is that I really don’t want to throw a wrench in the company by having them spend time/energy training me for a position I won’t be in very long, especially when they could’ve spent it training someone else.

Should I be up-front with my manager and tell her that, while I appreciate her offering to train me to be a supervisor, I don’t want to waste her time? Or should I take the promotion and run with it so my resume looks better?

Take the training and the promotion. Two years is a long time and things could change between now and then — life is weird that way, and you shouldn’t close off options now for something that’s still a couple of years away.

But also, even if nothing changes and you move out of state as planned in two years, that’s a reasonable amount of time to put in and definitely enough for your company’s investment to pay off.