Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss runs hot and cold

I work in a mid-size non-profit as a fundraiser. I’ve been in this field for 20+ years and am used to the pressure that comes with this job. I joined this organization a year ago and have been successful. I’ve met my fundraising goals, implemented a few new projects, and built strong relationships with donors. That said, I’ve never been more stressed or anxious in a job and I don’t know if I can stay here.

My boss is combative and very hot and cold. One day she will yell at me, tell me that she “hates my work,” and tell me that I waste her time. Other days she will tell me that I am doing great and is very friendly. She has said things like, “I am combative because I care.” When I first started, she told me that her last team complained to HR about her, HR told her who said what, and everyone who spoke up is no longer working here. She implies that she fired them because of what they said. She also has told me that “they couldn’t hack it here.”

I attend a lot of events with donors as part of my job and when we were working on seating for a small dinner, she told me that I shouldn’t be seated next to a donor because “you aren’t fun.” She made this comment multiple times in front of a colleague. It was embarrassing. The purpose of the dinner was to cultivate and fundraise for the organization. I need to sit next to people to do my job.

Part of my job is to plan events to cultivate and steward new donors. I came up with a new type of event, got it approved by her, and invited people to attend. After the invitations went out, my boss told me the CEO “is very mad at you. You should have gotten this approved.” She had approved the event, and she got angry at me when I voiced my confusion. I don’t have meetings with the CEO and never get anything approved directly from him.

These are just a few examples from this month.

I feel like I am constantly failing even though I am meeting my goals. Am I being too sensitive? My spouse suggested that I talk to HR, but I worry that I will be fired because of what she has told me about the last team. Do you have any advice?

Find a new job and get out of there. Talking to HR about a bad manager is risky under the best of circumstances: at best, their power to do anything is often limited, and at worst, it can get back to your manager and cause tension in that relationship with. In this case, HR already has a track record of disclosing complaints to her and not preventing her from retaliating against the complainers. HR isn’t an option when you know that history.

Your boss is a jerk who is never going to support you, and as long as you stay in this job you’re going to feel stressed and insecure. The best thing you can do is to get out.

2. I’m not trying to blame anyone, I just want to fix mistakes

I’m having a strange recurring issue at work that I don’t know how to approach. Let’s say members on my team build teacups. The teacups have to be built to exact specifications or they don’t work right.

I am the subject matter expert on building teacups, but my boss assigns builds to people randomly. Some people make the same mistake on the builds over and over, which causes problems when customers try to use the teacups. I’m not tasked with reviewing builds, which in itself is a problem. I do try to catch problems if I can, but I don’t have the bandwidth to catch them all.

When a build is found to have a problem, my first question is, who built the teacup? If the same mistakes are being made repeatedly, I want to look at retraining or going over our guides to see if they need to be clarified.

My boss has started to get angry at me for asking who built the teacup. A serious problem with a teacup build came to light yesterday, and in response to my question of who built it, she snapped that it didn’t matter who built it.

I think it does matter, especially if the same person is making the same build mistakes, because I would like to retrain or go back through the steps with that person. Relying on me to find errors is not sustainable; I’m covering several jobs at the moment and everyone else on the team is new.

I’m not looking for someone to blame; I want to fix the process so we can cut down the error rate. I also don’t want to keep fixing the same mistakes over and over again, when the person doing the build should not be making the same mistake over and over again.

I don’t know how to approach this with my boss. I had the same problem at a previous job. I don’t know how to communicate that I’m not looking for someone to blame, I want to fix whatever in our process is leading to the same errors.

Have you said to your boss explicitly, “I’m not looking for anyone to blame or get in trouble. I’m asking so that I know if we need to retrain so we have fewer errors in the long run”? If not, say that.

But if you’ve said that and it hasn’t changed anything, then combined with the fact that you got this same feedback at a previous job, I suspect there’s something about the way you’re communicating that is coming across as blamey, even though you don’t intend it to. For what it’s worth, “who built this?” both is a reasonable question to ask and can easily sound like, “I’m asking because they need to know this is unacceptable.” So you might try softening your wording — for example, “I’d like to give whoever built this some tips on how to avoid it — do we know who I should talk to?” That’s less efficient to say, but it’ll probably land differently.

3. Collecting cash to give to staff

I work as a staff member in an academic department at a large state university. We have 10 staff members, including fiscal specialists, advisors, communications specialists, etc. We eliminated receptionists, secretaries, and other more traditional positions years ago. But, dating back to when we had a department secretary and office assistant, there is a tradition of the faculty passing the hat to collect money to give in cash as a Christmas present to us staff (and the sum can be fairly significant, especially because two of us have always opted out, which means more money goes to the others). Of the staff, four of us have PhDs; a couple make more money than the lowest-paid faculty members who are chipping in for these gifts.

I’m always fighting to have staff seen as equals with faculty. I find this variation on tipping to be demeaning, and I’m frustrated that it continues (because some of the staff just want the money). Am I being oversensitive?

I don’t think you’re being oversensitive, but I also think you’re probably fighting a losing battle as long as the other staff members want to continue the tradition.

4. Recruiter said candidates lie about needing visa sponsorship

I am hiring for a new member of my team working within a small department in a very large university. I’ve done hiring in this role before and this is my first time using our university’s recruiters to help lighten my workload in the process.

We receive a lot of applications from people who are students in a masters program at our school, who have only worked outside of the U.S. in the past. This is very common for this role as it is classified as a STEM role by the government (it’s not) which means it does technically qualify for an O-1 visa. However, we do not sponsor visas within our department.

We have questions in our application system that ask if an applicant will need sponsorship now or in the future. As long as they answer no, I accept them as a viable candidate and I’ve never thought twice about it. When I was speaking with a recruiter about our role, he remarked that we had many international candidates. When I brushed that off because I don’t really care, he reiterated that “we do not sponsor” and then followed up with “people lie on those questions all the time.” That part made me uncomfortable. I was in a meeting with my boss and a more senior recruiter and no one else reacted.

I made a joke about how candidates could technically lie about anything, but I’m still thinking about his comment and if I should have said something then or should say something now. For what it’s worth, I’ve ignored his advice completely and am interviewing some great candidates.

People lie on all sorts of questions, which is why you verify the things that matter. As it happens, this one is easily solvable because employers are required by law to verify new hires’ ability to work legally in the U.S. before they start work, so if someone is lying about not needing a sponsor, you’ll find that out pretty quickly.

In your shoes, I’d sure as hell be wondering if that recruiter is rejecting all international applicants on the grounds that they might need sponsorship even if they don’t — and if that’s the case, he’s violating federal law, which prohibits discriminating based on national origin. It might be interesting to ask him — or his boss — if he is in fact doing that.

5. I think our doctor’s note policy is illegal

My company is mostly remote, but has recently begun a policy where employees in cities with enough employee density come into a coworking space once a month. I have no problem with the policy — it’s great to see people, while still working mostly remotely! However, our HR team, in an attempt to stamp out any possible edge cases where an employee might not be able to come in for coworking on this day, has implemented a bunch of rules that are annoying in some cases (for example, if your childcare falls through and you need to stay home, you must use one of your PTO days, even if you can work with your kids around), and possibly not legal in the one I’m writing about.

Specifically, if you’re sick and need to stay home on the coworking day, you’re required to send a doctor’s note to HR. In my city and the city where the company is headquartered (San Francisco and New York City), there are laws stating you can’t require a doctor’s note unless an employee is out sick for more than three days. These laws are pretty easy to find with a simple Google search. Our regular sick time policy in fact states that a doctor’s note is only required if you’re out more than three days, but the policy for the coworking days states that if you’re out just that day you must provide a note. I’ve heard of at least one employee who needed to stay home sick on a coworking day, and was pinged by multiple people in HR (including the head of HR) saying they must submit a doctor’s note, and generally giving them a hard time about needing to stay home.

Is there a (tactful) way to bring up that we may be running afoul of local employment laws with this policy? Am I missing something?

I’d say it this way: “I’m concerned that requiring a doctor’s note if someone is sick on a coworking day violates the law in San Francisco and New York City, both of which prohibit requiring doctor’s notes unless the person is out three days or more.” You could add, “I don’t want us to run afoul of the law, and I think we likely need to change that to comply.”

This is the same matter-of-fact “whoops, we might be getting this wrong” framing that you’d use for a concern that felt less fraught (like if you needed to point out that you were using the wrong deadline for a city tax filing or something else similarly boring).

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My boss hates that I blush a lot

I have always been a chronic blusher. Whatever you’re thinking when you read that, it’s way more. I blush at everything. Someone looks at me — I turn red. I think about something slightly awkward that happened to me — I blush. As a teen, my parents even took me to doctors for it. It turns out I have a condition called idiopathic craniofacial erythema, which is basically a fancy name for saying my blush reaction is crazy over-primed. I tried CBT. I tried regular talk therapy. I even tried medication. No go. There is a surgery option but it’s scary and I’m not interested in doing it.

When I realized this is never going to change, I changed course and decided not to let it stop me. I’d always wanted to be more outgoing but the awkward feeling of knowing I was going to keep blushing made me stop myself. But I decided not to let it stop me anymore from doing what I want to do, and I started approaching people, striking up conversations, asking strangers for directions — all the sort of regular things I’d always held back from. People who know me now say I have a lot of social grace and I’m a pleasant, fun, outgoing person, even though I still turn beet red at the drop of a hat.

Where this meets work: I have a wonderful job that I love. The issue is that it’s client-facing, and about a year ago I got a new manager, Marie. From the beginning Marie took issue with my blushing. She could never get comfortable around me, I guess because she thought my blushing when she spoke to me meant I wasn’t comfortable with her? Coworkers have told me several times that she’s complained aloud about “how we let someone so shy have such a high-level client-facing position” and how the clients must be so uncomfortable. I am not shy. I do my job well, and I’ve gotten great feedback from my clients, even if it took some of them a bit of time to get comfortable with me in the beginning. My strategy has always been to act as if the blushing is not happening, and most people take that cue from me after a short while. My friends have told me that after getting to know me they no longer notice that I blush so much.

Marie has recently escalated her complaints and has started bringing them directly to me, almost every day. She’s told me that as a customer-facing employee I need to work on my presentation and interpersonal skills, and kept reiterating that she’s not happy with the way I present myself. I’ve asked my colleagues and they all agree I’m very good at what I do and the clients are very happy with me, and that’s the feedback I’ve gotten from clients too.

What can I do? I’m worried Marie is going to try let me go. She recently gave me a very poor performance review, even though I hit all my work goals and even surpassed many of them, and she’s started speaking about a PIP. Is this ADA-level stuff? I’ve never sought accommodations from HR because this diagnosis is a bit iffy — many doctors claim there’s no such condition and it’s misdiagnosed anxiety (which I, of course, think is nonsense). We don’t have great HR, but I’ve never had to defend myself at work this way before.

Talk to HR ASAP and explain what’s going on. Make sure to include everything Marie is doing — hassling you about it near daily, giving you a poor evaluation despite your performance and now talking about a PIP, and complaining to colleagues about you.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, this probably doesn’t qualify as a protected disability, but (a) some states have laws that go beyond the ADA and (b) most employers still don’t want managers discriminating against good employees based on a minor medical condition that doesn’t impact their work, regardless of whether it’s ADA-level. (Also, if your manager regards you as having a disability, like anxiety, you’d actually be covered — because the law protects people perceived as having disabilities too.)

When you talk to HR, use the wording, “I am concerned I’m being penalized for a medical condition and that my job may be at risk, despite my work results.”

2. I messed up a major project at the end of my internship

I was a student intern at a local media organization, and my term ended a few months ago. I was very lucky to have this position, and my coworkers were incredibly kind and gave me a lovely farewell.

Here is my issue: I had a deadline for a project I was working on for a couple months, and I submitted it on my very last day of work. I fumbled in the most massively horrifying way when I uploaded the materials to our shared cloud database and deleted them off my personal device as they took up a lot of space. Big mistake: the files I submitted did not get fully uploaded and could not be recovered, and I’ve since been in a scramble to redo them with only the raw footage left (some of which was also deleted). This is an objectively easy but somewhat labor intensive task, made worse by the fact that I myself got very sick for almost the entire month after my position ended, and as soon as I recovered, I had to relocate to take care of a sick family member.

My supervisor has since reached out to me a few times about the state of the work, and I gave a brief explanation and assured her I would be able to get it done, but I keep dropping the ball. In the last few months my region has experienced severe weather that caused extensive damage to my house, and my family member has had a major health crisis. I am only now in a position where I can get this done — nearly six months after it was initially due and only a few weeks before it needs to be shared. At this point, my supervisor could have very well gotten someone else to do it, I wouldn’t know because I’ve been to scared to reach out!

I will be uploading the completed materials by the end of the week, but I owe my supervisor an apology for my very poor communication and the egregious delay. I have already apologized a couple times, but it doesn’t really mean much if I continued to miss the deadlines I set for myself. How do I explain the situation and my appreciation for my supervisor’s patience without making it sound like a string of excuses? It’s been an awful few months and I’m really hoping to put this behind me without entirely ruining my professional reputation.

Oh no, I’m sorry — this is a perfect storm of problems that were largely out of your control. The original upload mistake was yours, yes, but everything that happened after that to compound it wasn’t.

All you can do is to apologize and explain what happened. For example: “I want to reiterate how terribly sorry I am about this. I should have confirmed that the original upload had gone through before removing the files from my device. Normally I would have been able to fix that fairly quickly, but I’ve had a string of difficult external events since then (a lengthy illness, a seriously ill family member, a relocation, and then severe housing damage from the hurricane). I say that not to excuse the delay, but to explain the context. I really valued my internship and everyone I worked with, and I’m mortified to have had this happen.”

That’s all you can do! If they knew you to be a reasonably conscientious person during your internship, this should do a lot to take responsibility and put it in context.

For what it’s worth, I’m not thrilled about them expecting all of this additional — presumably unpaid — work from you after your internship ended. I completely get why you’re doing it — you don’t want to leave them with a bad impression after the work you put in — and on their end they may not realize how much they’re asking of you (especially if they think the files are easily reconstructed)  … but I also don’t want you to go forward thinking it’s normal to have to fix mistakes after you’re no longer at a job. This was an unusual situation, made worse in ways that normally won’t happen.

3. I was told the salary range was flexible, but apparently it’s not

I was contacted to apply for a position at a company where I have many pre-existing contacts. The person who would be my boss set up an informal conversation about the role, during which we discussed the listed starting salary; I was told it was flexible. I asked how flexible, and was honest that it would be a significant pay cut — and was given the full salary range. I conveyed that my current salary is near the top of their range, and I would not be interested in taking a pay cut. I was again assured flexibility.

With that information, I decided to apply, and was ultimately made a verbal offer by the same person. They said HR would look at the job description, my qualifications, and the salary range and make a formal offer. To my surprise, I was offered exactly the starting salary, despite having significantly more experience than the minimum qualifications and despite the previous conversation.

When I met with HR to negotiate, they seemed surprised, confused, and maybe a little annoyed. They said everyone in this tier of positions starts at this salary, and what I was asking for was much more than everyone else made and it wouldn’t be fair. They said they’d try to get a little higher and would consult with the CEO, but I haven’t heard anything since.

I’m feeling a mix of irritation, disappointment, and self-consciousness. I’ve never negotiated before and feel like I flubbed it. I get the feeling HR thinks I pulled one over on them, but had I known this wasn’t a “starting” salary, but rather the salary, I’d have never applied and wasted my own time, let alone theirs. What did I do wrong here? And, how can I mend my reputation with my contacts at this company?

It’s not you who needs to mend your reputation with them, it’s them with you. They invited you to apply for a job under apparently false pretenses and wasted your time. That probably wasn’t intentional; it sounds like a miscommunication or misunderstanding between the hiring manager and HR, but it’s still what happened.

Get in touch with the manager who you originally talked with about salary and explain what happened: “As you know, we had talked about salary early on and I’d explained that I’d need to be offered near the top of the range since I can’t take a pay cut. HR offered me the very bottom of the range and seemed surprised that I had expected anything else. Is this something you’re able to intervene on? I can’t accept the salary being offered, and I wouldn’t have applied without our conversation about it initially.”

It’s possible the hiring manager can intervene and get this changed; it’s also possible that they can’t. But this is the right next move, both in the negotiation itself / to figure out if this job is still a real possibility for you or not, and in terms of making sure they’re clear on what happened.

But you didn’t mess up. They did.

4. Could questions about low-performers be explained by the person working a second job?

As an avid AAM reader for many years, I’ve wondered in the last two years if some of the questions about managing remote staff who are not making deadlines, under-responsive, or not keeping their cameras on during meetings are really about staff who are holding down multiple full-time jobs. Do you ever consider in your responses that the underperforming employee might actually be “over-employed” and that’s the reason for the performance issues and subterfuge?

The beauty of those situations is that it doesn’t really matter, because the answer for the manager is still the same: lay out clear the expectations the person isn’t meeting and what needs to change, and then hold them to that. If someone isn’t meeting deadlines or isn’t responsive enough, regardless of the cause, their manager needs to address those things forthrightly, and with a relatively short timeline for improvement. More here:

is there a way to find out if someone secretly has two full-time jobs?

Good managers should always be keeping an eye out for problems, giving feedback, and being direct about problems. In a lot of these “is this employee working a second full-time job?” cases, the root of the issue is that the manager isn’t paying enough attention or is being too passive.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our agency flexed its own policy to hire a sex offender

I work for a government agency and a new hire in our group took a while to pass their background check. Living in an open records state, it’s easy to find someone with a unique name. Six years ago, this man (29 years old at the time) was busted in a police sting trying to solicit sex with a 15-year-old using a popular app. No contact was actually made (since there was no real child involved), but he was charged with sending explicit photos and communications with a minor. He completed his probation, which changed his record from felony to misdemeanor.

I can see all the court docs, and his defense was that he thought this person was 16 (our state’s age of consent) and that he did nothing wrong. The documents clearly show age was discussed in detail and he knew the boy was 15. He resisted the court ordered sexual eval and treatment, and claimed several other reasons he was innocent. He was forced to attend treatment and completed his probation and monitoring.

Our org has a policy that any crime against people in the last seven years should disqualify an applicant, even a misdemeanor. So I’m shocked this made it past HR. I don’t know if our director is aware or if this stopped at HR. I know if I ask HR, they aren’t going to tell me anything. Technically he completed his treatment, but crimes against kids crosses the line for me. One other staff member was with me when we figured this out, but otherwise I’m not aware that anyone else knows. Is there any way for me to question this hire and how he passed the background check?

No, because it’s not your job to question him (and what could you do with the answer in any case?). Since you know he did get background checked, presumably your employer is aware of the conviction. I agree with you 100% about the nature of this crime and I wouldn’t want to work with this guy either, but you really don’t have the standing to question him. That said, you could approach your manager and/or HR with your concerns that the organization appears to have bent its policy for a sex offender.

2. Managing an employee with severe anxiety

How would you suggest handling a direct report with severe anxiety to the point that they in physical distress over looming tasks? That kind of anxiety is something I have a little experience with and have found my own techniques for dealing with (knowing they aren’t one-size-fits-all) … which I can’t help but offer while also pushing for therapy via our EAP. How long do I give them to work on it versus how much do I pry to confirm they are trying things? It’s affecting their sleep (and therefore work), their primary doctor still hasn’t nailed everything down with effective treatments, and at least one treatment attempt involved “don’t operate heavy machinery” level of painkillers. We’re in a regulated industry doing risk reviews so that starts to get hairy that I must review it all. They aren’t up to speed four months into their hire, but I own some of that blame as a relatively new manager while they are remote.

You can suggest working with the EAP and you can maybe offer some low-key suggestions of stress reduction techniques, but beyond that this is theirs to manage. It would be overstepping to push for therapy or any kind of specific treatment, or to try to confirm they’re working on it. Let them know what the job expectations are and let them know if they’re not meeting those, and if their anxiety is disruptive to colleagues, address that … but you sound like you’re getting pretty close to overstepping (or maybe have already).

If you feel like you’ve fallen down on your side of things as a manager, work on remedying that. If it’s not feasible for you to keep reviewing everything, let them know that, and let them know what you need to see from them in order to be able to back off from that and when that needs to happen by, and ask what they need from you to work toward that goal. But their mental health is theirs to manage. Your involvement needs to stay confined to managing their work performance, and those are two very different things.

3. Being called a “mom” professionally

I saw the letters you posted about being referred to as a “work mom” or “office mom” and something similar happened to me but outside of an office setting, and I don’t know how to address it or if I even can.

I run professional events for widget makers (events like talks and panels and networking) which I’ve been doing for years. I’ve connected a lot of people professionally with my events, and I platform local widget makers and give many people their first public speaking opportunities. Some events are about early-career stuff and some are about getting better at our craft which attracts mid-level and senior folks. People pay to attend these events and buy other stuff from me. This is a business I’ve built up over the years and it’s a well-known part of the community. It’s a side-hustle to my full time work, where I’m a senior widget maker myself.

I was talking to somebody (another widget maker) who’s attended a lot of my events. They said they and friends of theirs were jokingly (and endearingly) calling me “widget mom”, because I help so many people with what I do (for what it’s worth, both of us are women in our 30s but I’m a bit older).

I understand how nice this is supposed to be! But I was really bothered by the name, though I didn’t say anything. I’m a professional widget maker too, I’ve been doing this for 15 years, and I thought I was known for my own experience and skill. But being called “widget mom” sounds like my business is some friendly, mothering thing I do out of the goodness of my heart… when I’m selling my own expertise and knowledge in an explicitly professional context (albeit in a relaxed and friendly way). How many moms charge a fee to speak with them?

Maybe I’m taking the “mother” part too literally, but it feels at odds with how I see myself and how I want to be perceived, which is as a widget maker and entrepreneur. It feels dismissive of my many years in the field, like I’m only being recognized for what I do for others, and not the widget-making work I do myself and the business I run based on that.

Am I taking this too seriously, or being insecure? Was it just a compliment that was meant well, and I should be flattered? Since I don’t actually work with these people but see them in professional (yet relaxed) contexts, is there any way I can address it or should I leave it alone and let them think what they want?

It can be something that was meant well while still being a problem! It’s reasonable to take issue with it. It matters that men are businessmen while women doing the same thing get labeled “moms.” (I’m sure no one is calling your male colleagues “widget dad.”)

You could say this next time you talk to that person: “By the way, I was thinking about what you said about people calling me ‘widget mom.’ I appreciate that it’s well-intended, but I always think that kind of label devalues women as businesspeople. I’d be grateful if you shut it down.”

4. Employee keeps texting to say he’s sick but still coming in

I have an employee who is young and new to the professional world. His work product is great, but his work ethic is questionable. I can chalk all of it up to maturity level, and overall everything is fine. That said, there is one thing he does that I don’t like, and I’m not sure how to word the conversation.

A handful of times, he has texted me to tell me he is sick but still coming in to work. This morning, I got a detailed text about his ailments, which ended with, “I’m still coming in, but wanted you to know if I seem a little off.” I texted back and told him not to come into the office. He didn’t. But this same thing happened a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want to use his sick leave. His claim is that he didn’t call in, was totally willing to come in, and I told him not to, so he shouldn’t have to take the sick day.

That’s bananapants, right? We’re a small office, and when one person comes in sick, it’s like a domino effect (and then I end up working tons extra, even if I, too, get sick). I want to tell him that if he is texting me to tell me he is puking or running a fever, but is coming in and “may seem a little off,” just to go on and call in sick and not leave the decision for me. Can I do that? We get plenty of days per year, and they don’t roll over or get paid out, so I’m not sure why he isn’t taking them.

Yes, you can do that. The wording you want is: “If you are throwing up, running a fever, or otherwise sick, you need to stay home and use sick leave. In addition to it being the right thing for your own health, I don’t want you to risk infecting other people by coming in. This isn’t negotiable; you can’t put other people’s health at risk.”

You might also ask if he’s concerned about running out of sick time; even though you think it shouldn’t be the case, it’s worth asking since you never know if there’s a concern like that underlying his actions. (If there is, the answer still won’t be “come in while vomiting,” but it’s useful to know if there’s something a concern you need to help him figure out how to address.)

Related:
my employee keeps coming to work sick

5. Talking about success stories as a tutor

I work as a private tutor in math and science. My name is on a tutor list for a local high school, so I get jobs from them, as well as getting referrals from former students and their parents. Something happened last week that has never happened before: a job interview! In person, I met with the mother and the aunt at the library (in a reserved room, so we could speak freely).

She asked me reasonable questions: about my methods, like did I have a curriculum (no, I would prefer to help with homework and current classwork and answer old questions and topics as needed) and did I work with teachers (almost never).

Then she asked me a stumper: did I have any success stories? I was taken aback. It was a good question once I gave it some thought, but I tried to convey to the mother that I was much more concerned with my relationship with the student than with their scores or grades. I sought to be a cheerleader and confidence builder, never another source of stress or pressure. I also had to answer some other valid question about how I would know if the student could do the work on their own without me next to them, but that question I felt like I could answer since I usually probed for understanding at the beginning and end of a session.

I think my actual question is about how I can build a useful response to the concerns of a parent about my qualifications. I almost never find out what happens at the end of the school year, and I can’t predict from year to year if I will even see the student again.

Yeah, if I were hiring a tutor for my kid, I’d be glad that you saw yourself as a cheerleader and confidence builder, but I’d also expect the primary goal to be ensuring my kid improved their skills and understanding of the material. If that’s not your philosophy, it’s good to talk that through before deciding to work together. But you also say that you check for understanding at the beginning and end of sessions, so it sounds to me like you do both; you just haven’t figured out how to describe that piece of it.

I suspect you do have success stories like that if you think about it, though! Have you seen kids gain in understanding and confidence and improve their grades through their work with you? Have you worked with kids who struggled with X when your work started but were able to do problems centering around X successfully by the end of your time together? Those are the sorts of success stories parents are looking for. You don’t need to produce test results, but you do want to talk about what the outcomes of your work will be/usually are.