Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My team has an all-male soccer betting pool

My team includes two women (including me) and five men, three of whom are huge soccer fans. A few months ago, the three of them decided to form a betting pool on a large soccer event. They invited the other two men on the team (who are not huge soccer fans) to join the pool, but did not invite the two women.

The first pool was a success, so the five of them did another betting pool for a subsequent soccer event, and then another one for the Olympics. It has become quite a public office event that is widely discussed throughout the day, and it often culminates in outings where the five of them go to watch the games they’ve bet on together after work.

It seems likely to me and the other woman on the team that the men did not intentionally mean to exclude the women from this pool, as they are all quite nice guys with whom we get along well with. However, we could not help but notice the optics of the decision not to ask us. It seems blatantly sexist and we feel like, principally, it is bad for the office to have so much of work chat centered around an activity that only the men were invited to join.

We have been going back and forth, however, about whether we should do something to address this. I imagine that if we spoke up and outright asked to join the betting pool, they would allow us in. The thing is that neither of us are particularly interested in soccer, so we don’t actually have a strong desire to participate in this betting pool. Is it worth bringing to the rest of our team’s attention that there’s a very visible gendered dynamic to this group they’ve formed, or should we let it go since, in this case, the organizers happen to have correctly guessed that the two women wouldn’t be interested?

I’d leave it alone. Could it have been handled better, by originally inviting everyone to participate even if you declined? Sure. Is it outrageous that they didn’t think to do that initially? Not really if they correctly knew you wouldn’t be interested, and especially because it sounds like originally it was just going to be for a single event. Now that it’s turned into something more long-running, you’re not wrong that it’s not great to have so much work socialization be single-gender … but from a practical perspective, I don’t think there’s a lot to gain by addressing it when you don’t actually want to participate (and when the Olympics just ended anyway, and perhaps this activity with it).

That said, I’m curious about the gender dynamics in your office. If you’re already dealing with sexist dynamics on your team, I can see why this would especially grate. If it’s not something that normally rears its head as a problem, I’d be extra inclined to leave this alone.

To be clear, the circumstances matter here. This is different from, for example, this company that sponsored annual golf trips that women never participated in (in that it’s not company-sponsored and is smaller, less formal, and likely shorter-running). It would also be different if any of the woman asked to participate and were rebuffed.

2. Employer asks new hires to list all their prescription medications

This is a question about an organization that I left, but still bothers me. After some turnover at my last job in a mid-sized nonprofit, new employees were being asked to list the prescriptions they used on their new hire paperwork. Some of the new employees refused to list this information, and our director of facilities — who did not process our new hire paperwork but did perform required background checks on new staff — would inform the new employee’s manager and the two would pressure the new hire to list what prescriptions they used.

I found this to be deeply upsetting since some prescriptions can identify key aspects of one’s identity, including some protected classes of individuals. Some prescriptions have stigmas attached to them, and some might be banned in the future (for example, birth control). Can employers require staff to declare any and all prescriptions they use? Can staff simply lie about these prescriptions if they do not want to out themselves?

The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) prohibits employers from asking employees medical questions (including about medications) unless it’s job-related and consistent with business necessity. For an employer to legally ask about prescriptions, the employee must be in a safety-sensitive position (like if you were a bus driver using a medication that could cause drowsiness). For the vast majority of jobs, this inquiry would be illegal — but whether it was illegal in your organization depends on the nature of the jobs.

Related:
my office is requiring us to disclose all medications we take

3. Is my employer gaslighting me?

I’ve been working in the nonprofit sector for the last ten years. It’s a small organization, less than 20, and I’m on an even smaller team and we are fully distributed. My question is about feeling gaslighted (gaslit?) and what, if anything, can be done.

Over the years, many micro-instances of this have occurred; I’m only flagging the most consequential ones. I’ve watched new hires come (and go) at much higher pay or with less experience and immediately move up the ranks. Others have been given training opportunities to advance or been given a voice in their career trajectory. There is a long history of nepotism at this org too. Below are two instances that bother me the most and enforce the narrative in my head that I don’t deserve better.

My manager is retiring, and at one point, I was to inherit that role as the two of us have worked together closely the entire time. A few years ago, they decided I was not the one for that role, and a good friend of management was hired to inherit that position. I was talked at when they made this decision and asked if I was okay with it (as if I had a choice or a say) and told it’s because I’m so good at bringing in the money, they don’t want me doing anything else. (It’s true that the millions in revenue I’ve brought into the org have directly contributed to making it through the pandemic.) It still felt crummy. I took it like a champ, but it stung.

More recently, we hired another person who will be on the same team as me and who, once again, is being elevated and given the opportunity, agency, and voice. At least they are not related to anyone on staff, but they look and sound a lot like my soon-to-be-retired manager, so perhaps nepo-by-osmosis is happening.

Just last week, our executive director said in a team meeting that this new person would get to do X, Y, and Z and that I would feel left out, and they asked me if that was okay. I was flabbergasted but said, “I don’t have any say in this, so yes.” But I am crushed, burned out, and tired of feeling worthless. I am the lowest-paid teammate (and have the heavy/heaviest workload) and am soon to be the longest tenured on this team.

When you add these instances up over the course of many years, I feel like I’ve lost my compass, so I’m reaching out to an outside voice. Am I being gaslit, or is this normal for an organization? I would like to have more agency and opportunity and to be seen and treated like a valuable colleague. And of course, I want to be paid what I’m worth. But each time that opportunity presents itself, the gaslighting happens.

I don’t know if you’re being gaslit or not (that would involve a deliberate intent to mess with your head, so it’s unlikely but who knows), but it doesn’t really matter. What we know for sure is that you’re not getting the advancement or recognition that you want in this job, and that’s been the pattern over a number of years. That on its own is reason to look outside the organization for a different job.

You don’t need to sort out whether this is gaslighting or normal or anything else. You’re unhappy and burned out and there is a pattern of not getting what you want in this org, even as others do. Their reasons for that could be entirely understandable each time it’s happened, but it doesn’t matter because this job isn’t meeting your needs, and hasn’t been for a long time. You get to leave for that reason alone!

4. Company wants a verbal acceptance before sending an offer letter

My husband just received a verbal job offer for a higher-seniority position from a small company in the private sector. He requested a written offer with details of the compensation, and HR sent an email with only a salary, annual bonus percentage, and “total compensation” value, with an attached booklet on medical and retirement plans available.

The thing that really got me about this was the following line: “If this fits within your scope, we’ll draft up an offer letter. We can discuss the start date after a verbal offer acceptance.”

Am I misunderstanding this, or does it seem like they want him to verbally (or by email) accept their offer before giving him an actual offer letter? That sounds bananapants to me! The process up until now makes it seem like a very inexperienced HR person. The legal mind in me says this is not a great procedure, but a verbal agreement is not necessarily binding. What say you?

This isn’t uncommon. They’ve sent him the details of the offer and they’ll formalize it once he decided if he wants to accept (and presumably after any negotiation has occurred so the details are finalized). The only part that’s weird is that they don’t want to discuss start date yet, but he could just introduce that into whatever negotiation or discussion of the offer he’s going to have — for example, if it’s important to him to have a start date that’s between X and Y weeks out, he can say that now. If there’s any other info he needs before making a decision, he can ask for that now too. Basically, this company is opening negotiations and sees the offer letter as simply memorializing whatever details are hammered out by the end of that process.

I think you’re balking because it feels weird that they’re not making it formal now. But he has an offer. If it changes when the formal letter shows up, he’s not obligated to stick to an earlier yes.

5. I announced a new job — how do I now share that I’m taking a different one instead?

In May, I accepted a job offer that I was reasonably excited about, so I announced the new job on both LinkedIn and my personal social media. I am taking the bar exam this summer, so I was not scheduled to start this new job until September.

However, a few weeks after I accepted the job, I was offered another position that was better for me in pretty much every way — better salary, much more in line with my career goals, easier commute, the works. I accepted that position and gracefully extricated myself from the first job and am on good terms with them (and I even referred someone to them that they ended up hiring in my place).

However, how do I handle publicizing that change to my personal and professional network? At the time, I quietly took down the posts announcing my acceptance of the first position and did not say anything about the second position, particularly since I won’t start there until September either. Do I acknowledge that I had previously announced that I would be working one place but have since accepted another position — and if so, how do I explain that change without denigrating the first job or making it seem like they let me go? Do I just quietly update my LinkedIn status with my new job when I start it in September and just explain what happened if anyone asks? To what extent do I need to explain the change?

Nah, just go ahead and announce the new job when you start it or just before, if that’s something you want to do. You don’t need to acknowledge that this is a change. Lots of people won’t even remember, so there’s no need to draw attention to it. If anyone asks, you can simply say, “I ended up being offered a different role that was an even better fit.” But you don’t need to get into the details; most people won’t care that much (unless they’re close to you, in which case they’re likely to already know anyway).

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Application asked, “If offered this job, will you accept?”

I am applying for jobs. One application asked the question, “If offered this job, will you accept?” Yes and no were the only options. Obviously, I clicked yes. I assume this is not legally binding. But is it a red flag? Another possible red flag is that this job has been posted for 10 months.

Ha, that’s a ridiculous question — as ridiculous as an applicant asking, “If I apply for this job, will you hire me?” Who knows, on both sides; that’s what the interview process is designed for both parties to figure out. You could discover the work is different than you’d envisioned, or you hate the manager or the culture, or the salary or benefits are too low. The question is absurd.

That said, is it a red flag? I’d say it’s a yellow one. It could have been stuck in there by some deranged HR person who’s sick of having offers turned down, whereas the actual manager would be fine to work for. But that in combination with the fact that they haven’t been able to fill the job for 10 months (if that’s what the long posting means; it doesn’t always) isn’t super promising.

Related:
when an interviewer asks, “If I offered you the job, would you say yes?”

2. A colleague we don’t want to work with is trying to muscle in on our volunteer project

I work in tertiary education, and we have an informal community of practice that unites some of us who feel kindred (people with a shared experience that puts them at a disadvantage in society and education and a desire to help people who have similar experiences). For the third time in four years a small group of us are organizing a symposium. The first was in 2021, when I partnered with a colleague, Summer, and we hosted 12 presenters over a half day. Summer was really keen but wasn’t particularly good at organizing and “lost” room bookings. They were not particularly good at the tech, managed to video all the presenters speaking from the waist down, and wasn’t particularly good at social stuff. I am autistic and even I noticed that. While it was good to have someone to bounce ideas off when we planned, it was hard work to run the event.

After the first event, Summer said that they didn’t want to organize another one. I was keen and another colleague, Zoe, wanted to work with me to organize a second event. A third colleague, Lisa, offered to help. Zoe and I worked really well together, but Lisa drifted off and stopped attending meetings a few months into the planning. Our second event had 350 attendees, had two big sponsors, flew in an international keynote and two national keynotes, we had 64 presenters, and afterwards we received a staff award at our institutional celebrations. Organizing all this was voluntary, with our managers’ and institutions’ blessing, rooms, and tech support but over and above our allocated workload. In the meantime, Summer presented a research paper about our community of practice and made some of us feel othered, and which really upset Zoe.

Now Zoe and I are planning a third event, with the blessing of our wider volunteer community. Lisa has decided to join us again, which we said was okay as we both thought she would drift away once the work began. But Lisa insists Summer be part of the team, because Summer wants to be. We have said we are working with a smaller team for now, and when we need help we will reach out and ask more people to join to team. But Lisa adds Summer into our meeting invites, and both send us emails offering their help and insisting we share our planning with them. All this has really upset Zoe, who avoid the meetings.

Lisa has accused us of not being professional because we don’t want to work with Summer and has suggested we need to learn to get along. This is a volunteer event, one we have put a lot of energy into. Are we being unreasonable to want to work with a team of our choosing? Do we have to accept everyone who wants to be part of the planning, no matter how much trouble they have caused in the past? Is there a polite way to say, “Actually, we did this last time, it was wildly successful, and it’s ours to do again this time”?

You do not need to agree to work with Summer. You and Zoe have put a ton of work into organizing these events, and you’re right to want to ensure they go well, which means paying attention to how you’re staffing them. Just because a project is a volunteer one doesn’t mean you have to allow anyone who wants to work on it to help in whatever capacity they want. You decide who to involve based on the needs of the project and your assessment of potential volunteers’ strengths and weaknesses (just like with paid work).

It’s entirely reasonable to say to Summer, “Thank you so much for offering, but we already have all the work covered.”

The bigger issue is Lisa. You and Zoe need to have a direct conversation with her where you explain that Summer was difficult to work with last time and struggled in the areas they were responsible for, and based on that experience you’re not going to be including Summer in the planning again. It doesn’t sound like Lisa has any sort of authority here; she can’t just decide on her own to involve Summer. You and Zoe are the ones who have been organizing these events and you have standing to tell Lisa no, it’s not happening, and that if she wants to help, she’ll need to understand that the two of you aren’t working with Summer again.

3. I proved my coworker wrong — did I handle this right?

I work for a small organization and very occasionally process refunds. If the person receiving the refund is to get a paper check. I hand off those requests to a teammate who has access to our bill paying software. Recently I did just that, and the person receiving the refund contacted me to complain that she had to fill out a bunch of stuff, including her Social Security number, in order to receive her refund. A legitimate complaint in my book.

I sent an email to our team (only four of us, two of whom are on point for accounting responsibilities) to let them know of the complaint and to question why it was necessary for her to jump through that hoop. A more senior team member, Eric, told me that “everyone is set up in the system as a vendor and they need to supply a SSN or EIN in order to process all payments.” I pushed back because this was a simple paper-check-issuing request, and represented a refund, not a payment to a vendor. There was back and forth, with Eric insisting that there was no way around it and that our accounting department absolutely requires such information because every vendor needs to receive a W9.

I replied again stating that this person is not a vendor, does not need to report this as income, and therefore does not need a tax form, which negates the need to collect a SSN or EIN. Eric and I got on the phone to discuss it, and he was adamant that all of this was absolutely necessary.

I was confident that he was wrong, so I researched it further on my own. I contacted the help desk for the billing software system, as well as our internal accounting department. The billing help desk confirmed that to issue a simple paper check, the system only needs a name, email, and phone number. The accounting department assured me that they do not need a W9 for end-of-year reconciliations.

I hate to be an “I told you so” kind of person, but in this case I thought I owed it to our clients to get it right and not ask for unnecessary personal information. I took this information to our manager. I felt this was the better route than emailing the team or contacting Eric directly because the message hopefully wouldn’t glaringly look like I did an end-run around them, and my manager is obviously more authoritative in communicating these things. She stated that she would confirm it with our accounting department and then deliver the message.

Did I do this right? Should I have accepted Eric at his word? Should I have told him up-front that I was going to research this myself? And finally, should I have gone directly to my manager with the info, or addressed it with Eric first once I had the answer?

You handled it fine. Eric’s claim made no sense, and you were right to look into it further, particularly as a person who has to process refunds.

If Eric hadn’t been so adamant that he was right when you talked to him about it, you could have gone back to him and said, “I looked into this a little more and billing and accounting both confirmed that we don’t need SSNs or EINs for refunds.” You could have done that even after his bullheadedness, but it’s understandable that you didn’t want to at that point and instead handed it off to your manager to deal with. (After all, you could have done that and been met with continued insistence that you were wrong and he was right, regardless of what your research found.)

I’m guessing Eric will be well aware that you were involved anyway, but since he kept insisting on something wrong, it makes sense to have someone with more authority than you correct him.

(Also, it’s weird that Eric thought you’d need W9s to issue refunds. Unless he never deals with anything involving payments or taxes, it’s useful for your manager to be aware he may have some pretty surprising gaps in his knowledge.)

4. Is my new job just not for me?

I was internally recruited and promoted to a new role that began in June. My onboarding has been terrible and I have walked into a completely dysfunctional team dynamic. My new boss is universally hated and oblivious to her lack of skills. She actually brags about how much people like her and how effective she is, when the truth is almost everyone we work with internally and externally has gone out of their way to tell me privately how much they hate her. The team I took over is being obstinate and uncooperative and claim everything I ask them to do isn’t actually their job.

In theory I have the skills and track record to work through problems like this, but I am finding this level of dysfunction overwhelming and I feel surprisingly apathetic and struggle not to be short / negative with my team. Advice on recognizing the signs personally and systematically that this just isn’t for me?

In these seven short sentences, you’ve already got strong signs of that, particularly here: “I am finding this level of dysfunction overwhelming and I feel surprisingly apathetic and struggle not to be short / negative with my team.”

Feeling overwhelmed, becoming apathetic, and feeling short with people are all very bad signs — and it’s only your third month there. If you’d been there a few years and were feeling this, I’d have other suggestions, but when it’s that bad by month three? Listen to that.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Husband has issues with my dedication to my job and 1-2 work trips a year

I am the manager at a small association, and I have the opportunity to fill the vacant CEO position soon. This promotion would significantly improve our financial situation, allowing us to afford more for our eight-year-old daughter and possibly retire by 55. We have been struggling financially a bit, which is a strain on our relationship.

My job requires travel, including one annual trade show abroad and now a potential second trip for an important convention. The first trip is 11 days long, and the second would be 4 days. However, my husband has mixed feelings about my work and travel. While he says he is proud of me, he also feels I spend too much time working. I do check my emails after hours and participate in board discussions on WhatsApp, but before that, I would just be doom scrolling or watching YouTube.

He is uncomfortable with me being away for what he calls “two weeks” and thinks it is bad for the family. He also worries about my safety in a foreign city. Recently, while he was watching videos with headphones on, I was designing a digital membership card on Canva. He later brought it up as an example of me not wanting to spend time with him, which I found confusing.

I take our daughter to school and pick her up every day. I make dinner 3-4 times a week and handle my share of household chores. We also have a cleaning lady who comes once a week. Despite these efforts, he often invites friends over on weekends when we could spend time together.

He is a great man—loving, hard-working, and a devoted dad who makes our daughter’s school breakfast and lunch every day. However, he recently lost his father and cut ties with the rest of his family, which has made him more clingy. He does not talk about it unless he is drunk, but the issue with my traveling started before this.

I am struggling to understand why my work and travel cause such tension between us. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I feel trapped and exhausted. I am starting to wonder if I would be better off divorced, even though the thought brings me to tears.

Marriage counseling, right away. You’re both coming at this from different perspectives and with different concerns but not understanding the other, and you’re at the point where you’re questioning the marriage. Marriage counseling was made for this. I wish it were a work problem because that would be easier to solve, but it’s a communication and relationship problem, and a pro will be able to help you navigate it.

Also, if the drunkenness is more than a rare occurrence, there’s an additional problem to tackle too — but marriage counseling could be a place where you look at that as well.

2. A C-suite exec recklessly exposed us to Covid

Yesterday, a C-suite leader in a people-facing role came to an in-person, hour-long meeting with me and a few others while visibly sick and coughing, claiming it was “just a summer cold.” She also mentioned that her Covid tests were negative but also that the tests she used were quite old and unreliable. This morning, of course, she tested positive for Covid.

I’ve been trying to be careful lately because I do not want to get Covid again and we are facing a summer surge. Also, when I have been infected in the past, Covid messes up my menstrual cycle for a while. This is particularly concerning because my partner and I are trying to conceive, which no one at my work knows, of course. I mask in crowded public places but I haven’t been masking in our office.

I realize now that I probably should have left the room right away, but I felt enormous pressure to stay, due to the nature of my professional relationship with this leader, her lack of suggesting those uncomfortable leave, and the fact that no one else did. I feel so stupid and cowardly now. I discussed my frustration with a more senior member of my team, but I’m still very upset.

What should I do now? How can I handle similar situations in the future without feeling pressured to stay in a potentially unsafe environment? Do we live in a world where I just need to get over this or I might jeopardize my professional relationships and career?

One thing that became clear early on in the pandemic was that you couldn’t rely on other people to take measures to protect you — you’d have to do it yourself. That remains true. If it’s important to to you to avoid Covid, the only real way to do it is to be willing to assert yourself, even when it feels a little awkward and even where there’s built-in pressure to defer (like meetings with C-suite leaders). What that means in practice: carry masks, put them on in situations like this one, and be willing to say things like:

•  “I can’t risk getting sick right now so I’m going duck out to my office and call in from there.”
• “I’m going to run out and grab a mask because I need to be extra safe right now.”
•  “Would you mind wearing a mask since it’s such a small space?”

Say these things cheerfully and matter-of-factly, and then do what you need to do. If you’re working with reasonable people and you put effort into maintaining warm relationships generally, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Also: I wrote this column at a different point in Covid, but the principles still apply about asserting yourself in ways that feel a little uncomfortable in service of a larger good.

3. Which employee is lying?

I manage a customer-facing team that answers questions and provides supplies to clients. Two team members (Taylor and Blake) are not excited about their jobs and are not invested in ensuring clients receive the best service possible. They have both participated in training and discussions about expectations. Taylor has a written warning that the next poor customer service interaction will result in termination. Blake would most likely receive a written warning.

Last week a customer complained about the service they received. The customer refused to identify the staff member since they did not want to get them into trouble. Taylor and Blake were the only two working at the desk during the incident. They both said the other one was who interacted with the customer. I don’t think either will admit to the interaction, so how do I address the poor service the client received? And is there a way to escalate discipline for Taylor or Blake?

If you don’t know who was responsible and have no way of finding out, you can’t hold one of them accountable for it — although you can certainly address it generally with both of them by revisiting how you want similar situations handled and asking them to confirm their understanding of that.

But also, given that one of them is lying about what happened, take it as impetus to supervise both of them more closely: find opportunities to observe more often, spot-check work, check in with clients about whether they’re getting what they need and to take their temperature generally, and ask their colleagues for feedback.

After all the retraining and expectation-setting you’ve already done, if you’re not seeing a significant and sustained change you should move things toward a resolution with both as swiftly as you can. And it sounds like the sort of situation where the closer you look, the more problems you’re likely to find, so significantly increasing how much attention you’re paying should speed it all along.

Also, if you can avoid scheduling them together, do that too.

4. “Strong personality”

Years ago, when I was in lower management, a coworker who was entry-level and I clashed. It was a mutual clash of styles and personalities. She complained to our boss, and during a meeting with the three of us, she defended herself by saying, “I have a strong personality.” I didn’t respond to this, but it felt like a cheap excuse to behave like an ass. Is this something people can say to avoid accountability? Or is this a non-excuse?

In contexts like this, it’s often something people say to try to avoid looking more deeply at how they might be contributing to the problem. Without more details about exactly what the issues were with your colleague, I can’t say for sure — but often it’s part of the “that’s just who I am!” school of excusing one’s own behavior.

I’ve always liked this article by Marshall Goldmith called “An Excessive Need to Be Me,” where he points out that a rigid allegiance to “being yourself” can sometimes be pointless vanity, and at odds with actually improving your dynamics with other people.

Related:
my employee identifies proudly as a grump

5. Who can know about discipline meetings?

When an employee is undergoing discipline or a performance improvement plan, what can an employer tell other employees? If the employer has a “need-to-know-only” policy, does the EA scheduling the meetings “need to know” that those meetings are related to discipline?

It’s really up to the employer’s own internal policies. No law prevents them from sharing info with other employees. If their policy restricts the info on a “need to know” basis, it’s still possible the EA scheduling the meetings would fall in that category; depending on how that particular EA manages people’s calendars, they might have access to agendas, or know basic topic in order to prioritize the meeting relative to others, etc.