Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker’s obsession with coffee was an all-day distraction? Here’s the update.

I loved reading your advice and feedback. I sent the email after a day or two that was particularly filled with Bill’s coffee talk on a couple of very stressful morning. It was great knowing I was not alone. A few readers pointed out, I probably used some hyperbole. It is more coffee talk than is warranted but most days are not the multiple hour diatribes. (To some extent, Bill does have quite a few hobbies and interests that I get to hear more than my share about so they add up along with his work chat.) Here are a few updates and things I did to help cope.

1.) Bill is still being Bill. He does have a new boss. His old manager is in another position. It seems quieter now so I’m not sure if his new boss has had some talks about his general time management issues or if he is trying to make a better impression.
2.) An office right next door to mine came open. It puts me one door down so it mutes some of the coffee talk, but I still get to be close to my team. That was a huge help.
3.) I did go ahead and opt to keep my air pods in my office both for after work (de-stressing) workouts and distractions.
4.) Last one is probably not the fun update, but I left out that I had a traumatic experience the year before that had amped up my anxiety at work. (Natural disaster related) I took some time off to finally deal with it over a year after the incident. I learned a lot of coping strategies and have even found a mindfulness meditation podcast that I sometimes close the door to do a mediation when I’m feeling irritable.

In a moment of profound growth, I even complimented one of the new coffees last week and told him how good it smelled. For now, I’m not going to let it break my peace of mind and I’ll learn to let little things go whether its hearing about the coffee, the importance of Star Wars: the Clone Wars lore, random facts about obscure Holidays, or Premier League Football. He is very good at certain types of mundane tedious work that most of us hate. He’s just got a lot of chronic insecurity that is a roadblock for him. I’ll have the talk with his manager if it becomes an issue as it pertains to my team’s work.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Our custodian says we have fleas but we do not (#2 at the link)

I wrote in asking about how to deal with the alleged flea infestation that only our custodian could see.

Around the same time I wrote to you, Flea Man [in my head I say this the same way one would say He-Man like from the 1980s cartoon] met me at the staff door as I came in to work. He had waited for me specifically so he could show me evidence of the fleas.

He had drowned several fleas in one of the library toilets and had left them there intentionally so I could see there really were fleas in the library. I told him that although I did indeed see the drowned fleas, that no one else had reported any flea activity at all and even our exterminator hadn’t found any evidence of fleas.

He apparently decided I wasn’t taking him seriously enough and left a note for our business manager, explaining again that he thought we had fleas. His letter ended with the line, “My hair can’t take that chance.”

Because his work was so poor and his absenteeism so frequent, we fired him shortly thereafter and he and his fleas have not been seen again in our building.

2. I heard alarming information from a coworker’s old manager — should I tell our boss? (#3 at the link)

Thank you for replying to my letter! I did apply your advice regarding tone, but thankfully, the situation worked itself out regardless.

To clarify something that came up in the comments: I had left this out for brevity, but Juan actually texted Emma himself to tell her he was working with me. So: he commented on her post, I asked how he knew her, and he texted her like they were friends. Then I got the call from her, which is why I found the whole thing particularly odd.

Shortly after your post, my boss’s role was split into two. Although Juan and I were still on the same projects, we had different roles, so Juan got a new boss while I stayed with mine.

I learned from my boss that Juan’s new boss had immediately flagged these issues and put him on a Performance Improvement Plan. There were even complaints from clients about him. My boss asked me to keep an eye out for any issues Juan might cause and let leadership know immediately, which gave me a chance to casually share my concerns. I told him I had it on good authority that Juan had had similar issues before and had even been fired over them. My boss was unfazed and just said, “Oh, I’m sure he has.”

Juan was let go a month later, on good terms.

Here’s the funny part: a few days after that, Emma called me again to say Juan had reached out to her, asking if she knew of any openings! (The very person who let him go—I’m honestly bewildered.) Emma was really concerned that he might have jeopardized my job as well by trying to shift blame onto me or generally make me look bad, but fortunately it wasn’t.

Juan is still liking and commenting on all of Emma’s posts—and now on posts from my company’s leadership, too. It seems like he’s over-representing his connections just as he does with his technical skills, or maybe he just lacks self-awareness. In any case, I’m glad it all resolved with minimal drama.

3. My company let me buy a house, then laid me off — then pulled the rug out from under me again (#2 at the link)

Ultimately, the move worked out in the end. I had moved in part for more opportunities and one came up for an internal transfer to a different department. I got a decent pay bump and some other incentives, enough so that I ended up in a better position than if I had taken the original position. I was a bit concerned about the transition since it is to a new department — and moving to a customer-facing role, when my prior team was internal-only — but I’m working on a lot of the same projects and regularly asked to consult on questions about the old team and their processes. There’s been a lot of adjusting to what is an entirely new role, but the trial period went through fine and my new team is thrilled to have me. We work a lot with my former team on projects, and my operational knowledge has helped speed some things along that they had been struggling with for months). I’m also quite happy with the move. I had reasons to move states beyond the job, the biggest being the political climate, and I probably would have moved regardless of the work situation.

The biggest factor for me in deciding whether to stay or look elsewhere was thinking about prior experiences. I also considered some of the comments that suggested it might have been something that Sara was fighting for and other managers or higher ups ultimately made the final call over her objections. I still don’t know exactly who made the call or when, nor when Sara knew officially. But before everything that happened in July, management and I had a great relationship. I had been promoted and assigned some major projects. There were some extra development opportunities that I was selected for. This was really the first time being blindsided at work. And in the aftermath of the first position falling through, Sara arranged for me to start some new projects that ultimately are how I got referred to this new department. I’m more willing to write off what happened in July as a bad judgment call — they didn’t want to share bad news until it was final, even if I really needed to be in the loop before then. Certainly something I will keep in mind if I ever find myself in a managerial role.

In retrospect, I’m even somewhat thankful the first position fell through. I’m in a better position now at work, and my new team is well managed. Moving departments has allowed me to train on new subjects and get some new opportunities, and I’m still early enough in my career that I can afford to move around. From what I’ve heard through the grapevine, the first position had (and still has) a lot of growing pains and the manager overseeing it still hasn’t quite worked out what they want it to be. I get a sense as well from the stories I’ve heard that this manager is not the most organized or considerate.

4. Navigating small social/networking circles as a manager (#4 at the link)

Thank you for reassuring me I was reasonable in my decisions and didn’t need to feel guilty. Iris didn’t invite Petunia and I’ve kept going as often as I can to the dinners. Petunia’s home challenges has continued though and she’s back and forth on reconciliation vs divorce all of which is very stressful for her and affecting her mood at work. I feel for her and as a manager have offered appropriate support, but am still deeply grateful I can keep my outside life dinners separate.

5. My employer wants us to list our dietary restrictions publicly (#3 at the link)

I emailed the person who set up the catering privately to share my concerns, and they recorded my dietary needs privately. We haven’t had another catered meeting since so I’m unsure if the procedures changed, but I got my needs across without having to share them in public.

Now if only I can convince them that cross-contaminated utensils and a single salad isn’t enough gluten-free food…..

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was buying a business and needed to tell an employee that she wasn’t keeping her on? Here’s the update.

To answer one thing from your reply back in March, Sue is also an old friend of the previous owner so I did not see him letting her go any sooner with or without severance as a possibility. He was also a very hands-off manger in general and many people who should have been let go stayed on for much longer than I would put up with personally.

So here’s what happened: I set up a formal interview with Sue and one other coworker 1.5 months before the purchase with the clear messaging that I was definitely keeping on every member of the team who had been there longer than one year but wanted the opportunity to meet with the newer hires to decide if they would be a good fit to bring to the new practice. I also tried to open my mind up to the possibility that Sue would actually surprise me in her interview and possibly didn’t realize how she had come off in the past.

The interview confirmed my feelings that Sue saw going right to management as the best way to handle everything despite saying she craved a “team player” environment, and she denied every instance I pointed out of her going against her coworkers’ training and advice (I had personally witnessed or overheard the ones I presented). There was also a clear disagreement between Sue and me on when it is appropriate to take on others’ tasks without being asked first and a clear unawareness of her propensity to make mistakes. Therefore, I met with Sue a few weeks later to officially let her know that I did not see her being a good fit and she would not be starting work at the new practice.

She did end up buying and renting out the property next door and other than a few dumpster-sharing issues that in the end are still the old owner’s problem (it’s his dumpster as I rent the practice building from him and he is the one who sold her this adjacent property), her having a close proximity to the practice at times has not been an issue yet.

I will add that she reached out about a month into the new practice to ask to return and reported how blindsided she was by my reasoning to let her go and that she thought I had been misled by what others said about her. She also asked for a meeting. I declined to meet with her and let her know I was not considering bringing her on to the practice, reminded her I have never been her employer, and offered as a courtesy to write up a short summary to remind her of what we discussed in that final meeting which had nothing to do with gossip. She accepted this and despite a reply to my written statement that she disagrees with my read on the situation (I did not reply) I have not heard from her since.

Her daughter and I appear to still have a good relationship but she has still been unable to return to work due to her family situation. I could see us making space for her in the future if it works out later, but am also okay with the outcome of her not returning.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. My new hire said I should have told him about my maternity leave before he arrived (#2 at the link)

When I wrote initially, I was still reeling from the conversation with the post-doc. He had an exit interview scheduled with my department chair the next day (standard, when someone wants to break their contract) but he no-showed, and to the best of my knowledge he left the country with the lab laptop. (That’s a story, we had IT lock it remotely when he no-showed, then bricked it a few days later because of the confidential data it had on it).

I now think that he wasn’t happy for a lot of reasons and simply selected one that he thought would get the most sympathy. The department has regular seminars and socials, and while the department tends to slew positive in its topics of discussion, a slow trickle of stories emerged from the grad students about outsized reactions he had had to things that upset him. He was uncomfortable when something administrative (from getting his staff card to how campus food service works) differed from the way it had been at his previous institution. He hated things he considered “nanny state” like mandatory daytime running lights and the fact that he was required to be part of a union.

I know some of the commenters recommended not hiring another post-doc before leaving on mat leave, but it is/was an industrial partnership and the company wasn’t going to wait. We hired someone new who started in May; we had several months together to get her up to speed and then she ran with it. The new post-doc spent another 2 months getting ready on campus, then went off to work the next 12 months on the project at the industrial partner site.

She never came back to campus – she’s still on the project writing up her second manuscript, but she’s being paid more than me now as a full-time employee, is off the grant, and we’re hiring again.

Personally, my daughter is amazing, she’s adjusted to daycare. I’m grateful I got the year to spend with her. I’m also grateful now to be able to go to the restroom during the day without her crying for me. My lab manager kept things ticking along while it was gone, and while I couldn’t completely disconnect (that’s just not the way academia is set up), I probably didn’t spend more than 8 hours or so a week on things and it was manageable. It’s been a transition back to full time work (daycare pick up to dinner to bedtime is such a rush EVERY DAY), but we’re doing well so far.

2. Can I ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves? (#4 at the link)

I asked a question about whether or not I should ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves for the day. The advice was great, including those who were concerned about big tasks being requested right at the end of her day. Well observed!

Anyway, funny thing happened: daylight savings. It started being dark at 4:20, jolting me into my end-of-day routine. I realized I didn’t so much need to see Liza at the end of her day, I just needed something to sort of wake up call or – wait for it – AN ALARM. I appreciate the support for what I was considering, but I am likewise grateful for the commenters who helped me realize that the actual issue was one that is much better served by technology than adding a meaningless task to Liza’s day.

3. Should I try to grow in my current job or leave for more money and more PTO? (#4 at the link)

Thank you so much for answering my question in June. And thanks to everyone who gave great advice and empathy in the comments. I was totally occupied all day and never got to read comments while I could still respond. But I appreciate everyone!

My update is good. I decided to go for it, in terms of applying for the job that appealed to me. I moved fast and got it. I turned in my notice at work as soon as I signed the offer letter.

The pay increase was substantial. The benefits are better. And the PTO was exactly what I hoped for.

That doesn’t mean it is easy. This pivot has been hard. I’m a novice again. But it’s totally different than I was in my previous job. I request help and get it. I need support, I can find it. And it’s all just a better fit for me. The problems I solve on a daily basis are exactly in my wheelhouse and I find exciting. I’m confident that I can solve problems and when I can’t, I don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help, even if I need to ask repeatedly. I know I’m a professional and that if I have a deficiency, it is in my boss’s interest to help me fix it. I guess that’s to say that my deficiencies are places I’m going to grow, not places I’m worthless. There’s so much satisfaction in both the big picture mission and the day to day work.

Thank you for the own encouragement!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My soon-to-be-ex manager wants to be my friend … I’m leaving because of him

Right before my departure (and a week after you posted my letter), Joe threw a surprise going away party for me — despite me repeatedly asking and stating that I did not want a going away party. Fortunately, my work colleagues (who also discouraged Joe from doing this) gave me a heads-up. I was pretty pissed off as the party continued. It was really a celebration of how great Joe’s management is since I got a huge promotion… and I couldn’t have done it without him … So I took your advice immediately!

Our last 1:1 was scheduled following the going away party and the topic was my experience in the department. So as we started, I shared (paraphrasing): “I am deeply disappointed that you did not respect my wishes related to a going away party. You repeatedly disrespected my boundaries and disregarded my feedback while working here. I do not see a reason for me to continue to share feedback, and I see no reason to continue a personal or professional relationship.” He immediately said, “Won’t you need me as a reference?” To which I responded, “I do not believe using you as a reference would be beneficial to my professional reputation.” I then shared some examples of times he disregarded my feedback. Joe was shocked and emotional — and the meeting ended in less than five minutes. I also scheduled an exit interview with HR for the same day, which is typically not done when you receive a promotion or lateral transfer.

Joe is now receiving executive coaching in coordination with HR and we haven’t spoken since. He ignores me in meetings and has chosen not to fill my old role until he does more “soul-searching” (no, I don’t know what that means either). And me? I am absolutely thriving and have never been happier. I have an incredible supervisor and a great team, and I am doing interesting work all over the state. My new supervisor has already recommended to HR that I get another raise and/or promotion next month!

To everyone who commented: I wasn’t ready to interact in the comments at the time the letter was posted (and there are a lot now!) but I read them all and was deeply appreciative. Several made me laugh and one made me cry, reading about your own experience. Your kindness and encouragement helped me confidently enter my new role. Thank you!

2. Should I bring up that our in-office rule is enforced inconsistently on our team? (#4 at the link)

I’d like to thank you and the other readers in the comments for answering my question! As a lifelong goody-two shoes/rule follower, I was overthinking this one I think, so the response really helped me come back down to Earth. Nothing too exciting to report — I resolved to go in one day a week to align with my other team mates schedule, and planned to just suck it up and come in two days a week if my boss or other upper management brought it up. No one ever did.

Unfortunately, my team was subject to layoffs last month so I’m no longer with the company (nothing to do with in-office attendance or performance, all financial). Onwards and upwards to (hopefully) all remote work.

3. How do I gracefully tell my manager I cannot take work trips? (#4 at the link)

I was able to avoid the business trip using your script and have been able to successfully advocate for my needs since then. I was actually able to skip the baseball game this year by being a little more direct with my manager — I didn’t disclose my specific mental health condition, but I did ask not to attend due to the fact that large crowds caused a degree of medical stress that would significantly reduce my function for almost a week. I offered to provide a doctor’s note, but my manager gave me permission not to attend, and said a doctor’s note would not be needed. He alerted the organizer and promised to keep the reason confidential.

Some commenters may take the same position as my mother – that I should be actively working on being able to be in a giant, open stadium with several thousand strangers without having a panic attack. My view is that going to baseball games is not generally a core requirement of software development. Sometimes, the best way to manage triggers is to understand and avoid them. However, I took the comments to heart that travel to conferences may not be one of those situations, and worked with my therapist to develop a plan that would make travel more comfortable. Things such as having a map of the conference on hand, creating a schedule ahead of time of where I want or need to be, building in time to decompress, having a “work buddy” or identifying coworkers who are safe to be around, knowing private places I can duck to if I need a moment to myself, and traveling with a partner. I have not been asked to attend a conference since then, so I haven’t been able to test this, but having the plan makes me a lot more comfortable.

Unfortunately, due to some unrelated issues I have with the company, I’m currently job-searching. I hope that I can work these issues out without needing a new job – I really like the work I do! – but there’s only so much I can control. I am eternally grateful to you and your community for your kindness and advice.

4. My drunken boss tried to kiss me but it’s been handled — what do I say to coworkers? (#3 at the link)

I did use some of the advice you gave but in the end it didn’t come up all that much. An advantage of being fully remote and a general team restructure happening around the same time that obfuscated it a fair bit.

It’s also ended up being the case that the manager has moved on from the company to another one for an entirely unrelated reason, so it’s very much no-longer a topic of conversation at all in an organic way. All’s well that ends well, I guess!

5. Can I back out of a chaotic freelance project? (#2 at the link)

I did back out of the project, wording it similarly to how you suggested. In the process, I messaged the one artist I’d started to tentatively make friends with and let her know the real reason, that I didn’t think the art show was going to happen no matter how much time everyone had to prepare and even though it was theoretically a great opportunity, I didn’t think it was worth waiting around for. She agreed with me and dropped out a few weeks afterward. In those few weeks, though, she relayed to me that one or two more people dropped, it was down to the leader and her handful of best friends, and they were gamely saying “we can do it without you, so there” even as everything fell apart.

When I saw your request for updates, I searched online – I can’t see any evidence of the art show having eventually happened. I don’t know how much drama was involved or whether it went down in sensational flames versus simply being tabled indefinitely, but leaving was obviously the right call. I still chat with my new acquaintance on social media sometimes and she seems like a great person to know in this small industry, even if she’s not a huge name, so at least I got something out of the whole debacle!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker didn’t wash his hands after he using the bathroom and was pawing through the communal snacks (#3 at the link)? Here’s the update.

First of all, I’d like to apologise to the racoon population for comparing my colleague to that noble animal. Calling him a bin chicken might have revealed too much about my location.

Second, I found a solution which has pleased everyone — since the colleague in question had a strong preference for chocolate biscuits, I started adding individually wrapped mini-chocolate bars to our regular grocery order. It turns out that he likes these even more than chocolate biscuits, but now there’s enough sweet treats for everyone, and the biscuits are unsullied and safe to eat.

I wish I could say that someone in charge told the bin chicken to stop being disgusting and wash his hands, and he was so ashamed he became a model of hygiene. Alas, the world isn’t that perfect. On the other hand, thanks to the suggestions at AAM, a change in my own attitude, and a small upgrade to the kitchen facilities, the culture in my office is much improved, and one man is no longer ruining it for everyone. All we need now is for our fruit supplier to stop loading up our weekly fruit box with pears, and maybe throw in a citrus now and then, and then we’ll have achieved office kitchen perfection.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer worried they might run into the person whose life they thought they ruined at a work event? Here’s the update.

I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my post. I especially thank everyone who spoke with kindness to me about my situation — I obviously still hold much shame for my role in this torrid love triangle. I was catastrophizing and projecting. I assumed this incident had damaged her as much as it damaged me — and the bulk of the comments got me to actually thinking that maybe none of this was a big deal to her at all, especially not after 10 years. So I decided to let it go.

About three months after my letter was published, in a similar meeting with my boss and the same board member, the board member brought up Sarah AGAIN as a designer for the gala-that-may-or-may-not-happen in the future for the project we are working on. And he repeated the conversation almost verbatim — that Sarah had been cheated on and left the area, but came back. I finally asked him how he knew Sarah was back in the area and she said she moved back to [major city over an hour away] and was running a few designing classes at a local nonprofit (which I confirmed on their website).

After the meeting ended, I asked my boss if she had a minute. And I calmly, professionally laid out the situation of one of the most traumatizing events of my personal life — giving my boss only the relevant details, and expressing my concern over Sarah seeing me — that I didn’t know how she would react, I could remain professional, but it might be best if I had a back-of-house role if this project did move forward.

My boss suggested that we go with another designer for the project. However, I didn’t want to take any work away from Sarah. My boss reassured me by saying, “It’s not [board member’s] decision who we pick if we even do pick a designer.” She also guessed that he was so fixated on Sarah because his wife had taken private lessons from Sarah in the past. There are plenty of other designers in the area, and if we even do this project, it’s up to event staff for scheduling any designers, not a board member. And, also, we weren’t even at that stage yet.

Then she commented on me having a better catch with my husband (who everyone in my job knows and loves). She didn’t know my ex personally, but she had heard things about him based on the breakup with Sarah.

So, based on no actual research but hearsay, I think Sarah moved back to our state a little while ago, but is well over an hour away from this small town. I believe she is still working in the job she picked up after she left here, and is doing design on the side with her old contacts in this area. Maybe one day she’ll move back to the area, but with housing prices the way they are I doubt that will be anytime soon. And even if it is … she has every right to move to this town, and I have every right to work here.

A few weeks after this meeting, I was pulling out of the parking lot of my local grocery store when I saw my ex. He did a double-take (my car is VERY conspicuous — I had just bought it weeks before we broke up) and then started smiling and waving as if we were old friends. I had sunglasses on and pretended not to see him, but it sent me spiraling. That grocery store is not exactly one along a major route — it’s mostly a neighborhood grocery store, which means he most likely lived nearby. I don’t know if it was healthy, but I looked up property records in our county using his name. Turns out he bought a house 1.5 miles away from me a year after my husband and I bought our house. He’s literally within walking distance of my home. Is it a coincidence? Probably … but I still feel so violated. He took so much away from me in the 10 years we were together, and for several years after that. He chased me out of a nonprofit I loved that we both volunteered at because he wouldn’t leave me alone to do my own thing there (kept trying to “be friends” and kissed me when we were doing a task alone — my response was to slap him), he has shown up to two previous workplaces under the guise of conducting business so I couldn’t kick him out, and even sent an anonymous package to my house a month before my wedding with books that only he would have thought I would have liked (it was confirmed sent by him when he was confronted about it). I don’t feel safe interacting with him, although I couldn’t tell you what I am afraid of, exactly. He told me right after I broke up with him that he had sociopathic tendencies … and I don’t really know what that means. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder wondering if I’m going to run into him at the store with my child. I don’t want him anywhere near me or knowing anything about my life these days.

But I also recognized that my spiraling, so long after our breakup, was only hurting me. I’ve been in therapy ever since. But I don’t think I would have considered any of this as trauma without the wonderful commenters on this blog. And a special shoutout to commenter “Don’t Send Your Kids to Hudson University” for recommending the “Something Was Wrong” podcast. I’m on season 16 at the moment. It really did help me put my own experience into a kinder perspective, hearing similar stories of people who were emotionally and mentally abused and also struggled with letting go of these relationships.

So, still feeling lots of shame about the situation and now aware that a man with sociopathic tendencies who thinks he did nothing wrong to me lives less than a 5K race away from me, but I’m trying to navigate through it.