Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I opt out of AI assistants in meetings?

In large Zoom meetings, I’ve noticed a coworker using an AI assistant to transcribe and take notes. While I understand the desire to use these kinds of tools on an ease and accessibility level, everything about AI, from privacy to environmental, squicks me out beyond belief. I’ve yet to speak during these calls, but I wonder if there’s any standing for me or another coworker to ask these tools not be used?

Your coworker may not even know the AI is there. Some AI tools, once turned on for one use, will start attending and transcribing meetings without being specifically requested each time (see this letter for an example).

At this point, any employer that hasn’t already communicated a clear policy about the use of AI in meetings and other work needs to, so you could raise the issue on your team or within your organization and ask for a clear policy on when AI use is and isn’t okay, and point out the potential security risks if the data from meetings is stored outside your company. Assuming this is an outside AI tool and not something proprietary to your company, in many organizations using it this way would be considered a security risk.

2. Hate group bumper sticker in the company parking lot

One of my employees has a large sticker from an anti-government extremist group on his truck. I want to ask him to either remove the sticker or park his truck somewhere that is not in the company parking lot (we serve a lot of government entities, and these folks tried to kidnap the governor!). My HR team is telling me that I can’t do this because it violates the employee’s freedom of speech, but do I seriously have to let him advertise his hate group at our place of business?

“Freedom of speech,” as a legal concept, applies to the government not being able to restrict speech, not to private employers having rules about what is and isn’t okay to be displayed on their property. From a purely legal standpoint, a private employer absolutely has the right to tell an employee that they can’t display an offensive sticker in their parking lot.

Whether or not your company will allow you to do that is a different question. If your company isn’t willing to back you up, or tells you directly that they’re not willing to prohibit offensive stickers in their lot, they’re allowed to take that stance. They don’t have to take that stance (so HR is wrong if they’re implying their hands are tied), but they can choose to. But you might have better luck escalating this to someone who isn’t HR.

3. Potlucks with food-restricted coworkers

My government workplace holds potluck and other food-related events a few times a year. It’s nothing big, but those who attend like them. There are a few folks who don’t attend because they have food restrictions (gluten-free, vegan, etc.). It’s fine if folks don’t want to attend, but I don’t want anyone to feel excluded! Some others bring their own food or just come to sit with us. The last time we had a potluck, I searched for a recipe online for a vegan, gluten-free dish to share. I made sure to let folks know that I made a special dish so they felt included. It was a new challenge for me, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

My colleagues who host the event say they would love to have people with food sensitivities bring dishes that meet their dietary needs to share as well. We have enough people with different preferences that there should be some variety if a few of them bring something to share. Should the burden be on those with dietary restrictions to bring a dish that meets their needs? Is it helpful for the rest of us to bring dishes with others’ needs in mind? I don’t want people to feel pressured to attend because I made a specific dish; I just want them to feel included. We also print out recipes to share and to let folks know what ingredients are in each dish.

This varies by person. Some people with food restrictions will be delighted someone went out of their way to provide something they can eat. Others may be wary about eating it (ask any vegetarian who’s ever heard a dish described as “vegetarian” only to find out it contained chicken broth); they’re not willing to risk someone got the details of their restrictions exactly right. Some may be happy to bring their own dish so they’re assured there will be something there they can eat; others are happier opting out altogether because they don’t want to discuss their diet at all, or simply don’t like potlucks. All of which is to say: there’s no one right answer here. The only way to know for sure is to talk to your colleagues and ask what they’d most like.

All that said, you sound thoughtful and kind, and I’m sure your food-restricted coworkers appreciate you thinking about them!

4. My coworkers talk about me like a pet

I’m an introverted and quiet person and I rarely participate in non-work conversations with my coworkers. I’m not rude — I participate when I’m directly addressed. I just usually keep to myself otherwise. My coworkers definitely know me as the quiet one, but nobody’s ever complained.

My issue is this: sometimes, when my coworkers are chatting near me, they’ll speak for me in a way I can only explain as the way people will talk about their pets, attributing reactions and opinions to them as a way to comment on the situation. “Fluffy says, ‘Fish? I love fish!’” That kind of thing. They’ll be complaining about something and then say, “Ha, Morgan thinks I’m crazy” or “Morgan’s over there like ‘you guys don’t know what you’re talking about.’” And I’m not involved in the conversation at all, let alone thinking or reacting the way they say.

I don’t really know how to respond when this happens. Should I correct them? They’re not talking to me, just around me. I don’t want to create a fuss if this is normal and they’re just joking around, but I find it uncomfortable to have opinions on something I wasn’t even paying attention to attributed to me.

I think you’re reading it wrong! They’re not really attributing those opinions to you; they’re trying to acknowledge your presence. They don’t want to talk around you as if you’re not there and it’s almost certainly meant as a warm/funny way to not seem like they’re ignoring you. You don’t need much of a response to it — you could just smile and say “no, no” or “ha, not at all” or any other non-committal but reasonably warm response you’re comfortable with.

5. I was promised a bonus but haven’t seen it yet

I was lucky enough to be asked to come work a conference overseas for my job. I did great, and got a lot of good feedback emailed to my manager — hurray!

During the conference, the organizer (who works at our company) mentioned that all of the staff (me included) working the event would get a bonus. She and I even talked about what I should spend my bonus on.

I never did receive it. I checked with a coworker who was also at the event, and he got his already. I’m pretty non-confrontational, and I don’t want to come off as greedy or money-grubbing, but I’d like the bonus! What’s the best way to ask about it?

It’s not money-grubbing to ask about a work payment that you were told you would receive, especially when you know someone else already got theirs. Talk with the organizer and say this: “You had mentioned everyone working at X would get a bonus, which I really appreciated. Do you know when we’re likely to see it come through?”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I have to give notice when my boss is an abusive jerk?

I have worked at my current job over three years. I am in the legal field and, because of the small geographic area, most of the people in this field know each other. My employer has had a very high turnover rate for such a small office. I am now the only paralegal left. My boss is so toxic and plays so many games that most quit. I have developed hives (I break out every Sunday from stress before going into work on Monday) and an ulcer. I keep up with the old paralegals and one has been diagnosed with PTSD from being there six months. Another has tremors now. We formed a prior and current employee support group with two more paralegals to help people get through the experience. Whenever there is a new hire, we try to pull them aside and give them the tools to just survive. We can’t warn people ahead of time to not apply because we signed a non-disclosure agreement.

My manager has already threatened to fire me several times. She gives the same canned speech to all of the employees whether you have made a mistake or are doing spectacularly well under the circumstances because she likes to see people cry and be flustered. It’s a game to her. She also hides items that are needed like client files, changes dates on the calendar without telling anyone, changes passwords that we need and says she hasn’t, and gaslights like you wouldn’t believe.

When the other staff quit one by one, once they gave notice she treated them even worse for that two weeks (as if that was possible). I don’t want to go through that. I am also hesitant because this woman belongs to all of these legal committees and organizations and volunteers her time to legal charities (this is all a mask to generate business, not because she is a good person), and I am sure she will drag my name through the mud in legal circles. I have finally secured another job and can now escape. But I am not sure what to do about notice given her behavior. I also don’t know if I can take any more abuse, especially an added layer because I tell her I am quitting.

You don’t need to stay the two weeks. You can have a health condition that you need to attend to immediately that unfortunately makes it impossible for you work your notice period. (This sounds like it wouldn’t even be untrue.)

I hear you that you’re worried that she’ll badmouth you in your small field — but isn’t she going to do that no matter what? If she’s going to trash-talk you either way, there’s no point in staying and being abused for two more weeks. If I’m wrong about that and she doesn’t trash people once they’re gone as long as they leave professionally … well, you still don’t need to work your notice period. You can still have a health issue that makes it impossible for you to stay, or if she’s abusive you can tell her that today will be your last day if that continues. Or maybe you’re someone who can handle a final two weeks since you know that you’ll be gone at the end of them and can let her bad behavior roll off you because she’ll never have access to you again. If so, great. But if not, then really, skip the notice period and cite a health emergency; you’re sorry but need to leave immediately to attend to it.

And then run that non-disclosure agreement by a lawyer because there’s a decent chance it’s written in a way that would be unenforceable in regard to the specific things you’d want to share with others.

Related:
can I leave before my notice period is up if my boss is being a jerk?

2. Vendors keep sending unhealthy food

I’m writing on behalf of my brother, who works at a small in-patient healthcare facility. Based on the nature of the facility, they have a lot of vendors, other organizations looking for them to make referrals to their patients, etc. Because of this, they get a lot of people “courting” them with little branded swag gifts, as well as bags of candy, meals, cookies, donuts, etc. While it would personally annoy me to have so many pens and pads of paper and coffee cups floating around, the bags of swag gifts are not that big of a concern. But what he and some of his coworkers are starting to have an issue with is the pretty constant barrage of unhealthy treats. This week alone they’ve gotten three big boxes of cookies for the office, smaller individual boxes of cookies for each manager, several bags of candy, and a catered breakfast.

My brother has been struggling with some pretty severe health issues including trying to lose a significant amount of weight. While it’s obviously not anyone else’s responsibility to help him with that, he is not the only employee who is finding the constant presence of sweets and food to be hard to resist. Do you have any advice for how they could ask for healthier options or to politely decline them altogether? Although at least a few of his coworkers have expressed the same sentiments that my brother has, he also doesn’t want to disrupt something that some people may be perfectly happy with.

Having had similar issues in the past, I know that these vendor companies have budgets for this type of thing and their higher-ups are expecting that they spend the money and spread the goodwill. None of them have any objections to the occasional treat coming their way but it is almost every day at this point.

If all of his coworkers want to put a stop to it,  whoever’s in contact with the vendors could say to them, “Thanks so much for thinking of us with the bin of candy you sent over. We’ve got a lot of people here trying to eat healthier so if you can put us on a no-sweets list, we’d all be grateful.” They could add, “No obligation to send anything at all, of course, but if you’re looking for something the staff would love, fruit or veggies would be a huge hit.” This is a little awkward because you normally shouldn’t dictate what gift someone gives you — but this is business, they have a budget to spend courting your facility, and they’d probably appreciate knowing what would help them generate more good will rather than less.

But if other people there enjoy the gifts, your brother can’t really do that. In that case, he could look for ways to manage temptation once the food arrives — like asking to store it all in a designated area he doesn’t go in often but which other people know to check if they want it.

3. My colleague has no poker face

You’ve answered questions from people who don’t have a poker face, but my issue is with a colleague who doesn’t have a poker face.

She’s very good at controlling her expressions in meetings with clients or managers, but outside of that … all of her emotions are on full display. We work very closely and have a warm rapport, so I think it’s great that she feels comfortable with me. But, whenever I say anything she disagrees with, she visibly grimaces. The nature of our work involves a lot of dialogue and reconciling of different points of view and competing priorities. I absolutely expect and welcome push back. Once I’m done speaking and she shares her perspective, we’re always able to quickly reach a solution without drama. But the grimaces really irritate me. They throw me off when I’m talking, and I find myself pivoting in the middle of a sentence because I worry that I must sound very incompetent to provoke such a strong reaction. Lately, I’ve found myself speaking up less in meetings when she is present.

When she’s grimacing at me, should I pretend I don’t see it? Call it out on the spot? (If I’m leading a team meeting, I’ll call on her to share her opinion when I see a grimace.) Avoid looking at her entirely? Or is it on me to reframe the situation in my mind?

I’m a fan of naming it on the spot because (a) people don’t always realize how visible it is, (b) calling it out can convey “you are doing something noticeable enough that people are thrown off by it,” which in turn can limit how often she does it, and (c) she’s being rude and you’re not obligated to pretend you don’t see it. She is deliberately communicating something with her face (or at least deliberately not stopping it as she does with others) and it’s okay to respond to that.

So the next time she grimaces: “You grimaced when I said that. What’s up?” or “Your face looks like you really disagree.” Say that a few times and see if she starts doing it less frequently. If not and you have to work with her a lot, at some point it might be worth saying, “I don’t know if you realize how often you grimace when I say something you disagree with. You don’t do it around managers or clients so I’m guessing it’s not uncontrollable, and it really throws me off when I see it.”

4. Is it normal to ask your current manager for a reference?

A few years ago, I had a coworker reach out to me in a panic to ask if I could give a reference for a job she was applying for. She said she was asking me because she’d already asked our manager and our HR director (also a partner in our small company), and they had freaked out. Apparently, they were blindsided because she hadn’t said anything about being unhappy at work or job hunting, they called her disloyal, how dare she, etc. They both refused to give references.

When she told me all this, I was shocked. I would never ever ask someone at my current employer for a reference outside a few very, very specific cases (e.g., a trusted same-level coworker). The risk is too high! Case in point: in my coworker’s case, now our manager and HR were mad at her, and if she didn’t get the job, they might make her life difficult or fire her. Luckily, she did get the job.

When I mentioned to her that asking a current employer for a reference was a very unusual thing to do, my coworker said she’d done it before and her family members hadn’t seen an issue when she asked them. Is this any way this is a thing that’s considered normal, maybe in certain industries? Or was I right in being baffled?

No, it’s not normally done! A decent manager won’t freak out at someone for job-searching, but (a) not all managers are decent — yours being a case in point and (b) even when a manager doesn’t freak out, it’s not in your interest to tip your hand that you’re searching until you’ve accepted another job and are ready to give notice. Otherwise you risk being moved off of high-profile projects that would help your resume or even pushed out earlier than you wanted to go (which doesn’t necessarily need to be malicious — it can just be something like they need to cut two roles from the team and figure you’ve got one foot out the door already anyway).

There are exceptions to this like times when you trust your boss to know you’re looking without having any repercussions, but those are the exception to the rule.

Related:
my interviewer wants a reference from my current boss

5. How to get better at double-checking my work

I just had my first performance review at my new job and overall it was good, but there was one criticism: I need to doublecheck my work more. This is something I have heard before but the thing is, I do doublecheck! I reread and reread but it’s like my brain and eyes refuse to see the errors, it just fills in with what’s supposed to be there. It’s easier to spot errors in other people’s work, or if I can take a break for a few hours, but that’s usually not possible. I have been criticized for taking too long doublechecking things before as well. What are some effective and efficient methods of checking one’s own work?

Things that often work for people:

1. Read your work out loud to yourself. The function that makes your brain gloss over errors doesn’t seem to kick in as much when you’re reading out loud.
2. Change the font. This is weird, but when the work doesn’t look as familiar to you, your brain may read it as more “new” than when it looks identical.
3. Hold a piece of paper up to your screen so you can only see one line at a time. This can slow down your brain and make sure you’re seeing what’s really there.
4. Print it out. If you’re used to reviewing work on a computer screen, printing it out can help you spot errors.
5. Look at past errors and see if you can find patterns in them. If you realize that you frequently miss X or miscalculate Y, you can build in a check for those things in particular.