Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee says I’m triggering their unresolved trauma

I have a question as to how to manage a direct report who has admitted that they have self esteem issues resulting from unresolved childhood trauma. It is evident in any dealings with them that they struggle with any form of authority being shown — they get upset with a simple question about what have they been working on since our last fortnightly check in, particularly if tasks have not been completed. I’ve always made it clear that due to the reactive nature of their role that I understand that the action plan can be pushed to the side if urgent matters pop up, I just need to understand what they are. These conversations almost always end in emotion outbursts, no matter how I handle the conversation.

It has been getting worse and now I’ve been told that I am a trigger for their trauma but they can only say that there is “something about my style” which brings back issues. I have nothing to work with! I don’t shout, I don’t blame, and I make myself available when required even if I’m busy. Other colleagues and reports have no issues with my style and have advised me that they find me approachable. I have my moments as everyone does when I’m busy because I’m human. But how do I deal with someone who has said I trigger unresolved trauma when I have nothing to work with?

You can’t solve this for them. You should let them know that if they can propose specific changes you could make that would help them, you’re open to trying to work with what they need. (You shouldn’t promise you’ll make changes before knowing what they might be, because some could be unreasonable or unworkable, but you can certainly promise that you’ll hear them out with an open mind and try to accommodate them if you can.) But you also need to be forthright about the reality that they do need to update you on their work and answer your questions about their projects; that part isn’t negotiable. If they can suggest ways to make that easier on them (for example, maybe they’d prefer sending you updates in writing ahead of your check-ins), you’ll try to work with them — but the basic facts of having a manager (that they will need to keep you updated on their work and answer questions) won’t change. Lay that out in a kind but direct way, and let them decide if they’re up for that or not. If they decide they’re not, or that they can’t, there’s no shame in that — but you should be clear that it does need to happen if they want to stay in the role.

Related:
my employee asked me not to give him any feedback

2. Was I wrong to refuse to answer coworkers’ questions about my life?

I just started a new job, and my coworkers are trying to get to know me. One of them asked me, “Are you in a relationship or married?” I don’t see what that has to do with work so I said, “Sometimes.”

Another coworker brought her kid to work. She had to tell her child, “Please stay still, you can’t just run around.” She turned to me and said, “Ahh, kids, ya know? You don’t have any kids, do you?” I said, “I might have kids” She gave me a funny look and said, “You might?” I said, “Maybe, who knows?” Could I get fired for this? How do I fix it?

This is an extremely weird way to behave with coworkers. When you work with people and are trying to get to know them, asking if they’re married or have kids is a normal thing to do. In particular, asking if you have kids is an especially normal question when someone is talking about their own kid. Answering “sometimes” to the question of whether you’re married or in a relationship is actually pretty funny, but “I might have kids” is a weird thing to say in any circumstance.

You asked whether you could get fired for this and it’s unlikely — but what is likely is that you’re coming across as rude and cold to coworkers and making people dislike you (in part because you’re coming across as if you dislike them) and that can have all kinds or professional ramifications, from people not wanting to be on projects with you, to not sharing useful info with you, to having trouble getting promoted, to ending up first on a layoff list.

You don’t need to get deeply personal with coworkers if you don’t want to, but sharing some basic facts about your life is usually a prerequisite for having warm working relationships with people. Feel free to immediately pivot the topic if you want (turning the question around and asking them about their own lives is one good way to do it, as is having some impersonal topics you don’t mind talking about — pets, books, TV, cooking) but if you’re not willing to engage warmly with people at all, yes, there will be professional consequences to that.

Related:
should I put more effort into making friends at work?

3. Employee calls me his “lady boss”

I am a female manager in a technical field. All of my direct reports are men. One of my reports consistently refers to me as “my lady boss.” He does not speak English as his first language and his native language uses gendered nouns and adjectives. He has worked in U.S. professional environments for over 30 years and has worked for me for five years. He is in the middle of the pack in terms of performance.

I don’t love the nickname but I haven’t wanted to make a big deal out of it either, except that I get looks and questions when he refers to me as My Lady Boss in front of our colleagues. How would you address this?

“Please don’t refer me as your ‘lady boss.’ I’m just your boss, or just Jane.” You could add, “Gender isn’t relevant when you identify me, just like you wouldn’t call Bob your ‘man boss.’” Alternately, “‘Lady boss’ sounds like you have an issue with female managers, which I know is not your intent.”

Related:
Employee keeps referring to me as his “manageress”

4. Should I tell the person I’m interviewing with that I’m no longer in good standing at my company?

I’ve been at my current company for about three years. For the first two years, I was considered a star performer. Since then, the company’s financials have soured, the strategy has changed, and so have the expectations for my role. I’ve also been moved to a new team where my manager and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. All of this combined has unfortunately tanked my standing at work, and I’ve now received formal negative feedback on my performance and even had some of my responsibilities revoked.

I’m looking for new jobs, and I have gotten in touch with a former leader of my current company who’s hiring at his new company. He left while I was still a top performer, and I’m guessing he’s willing to recommend me based on that performance. My question is, would it be wise to let him know that I’m no longer doing well? I’m worried that if I don’t, he may reach out to some of our mutual colleagues and hear about it. On the other hand, I’m worried that if I share this info, it will sink my chances at getting hired by his new company.

You don’t need to warn him that you’re not doing well. His experience with you is his experience, and there’s no ethical or professional obligation to disclose that under different circumstances, things went differently. If he ends up hearing about it, so be it, but you’re not doing anything wrong by not volunteering it. (And it’s not at all uncommon for someone to do well in situation X with manager X but not thrive in situation Y with manager Y — and that generally says more about situation Y and manager Y than about the person themselves.)

5. Is a past run for office keeping me from getting job interviews?

I ran for the state legislature in 2020. I job searched in 2021 so I put it on my resume, towards the bottom with other volunteer work I’d done related to my field and only spoke about the aspects of running that relate to what I do for work. I don’t mention the party I was affiliated with or anything like that.

I had it on my resume at the time because it was so close to having run, any google search of my name only brought up information about my run. It didn’t ever feel right mentioning it in a cover letter and I was afraid leaving it off would seem weird once they did a google search.

Now I am putting in applications again. Is it possible continuing to have that on my resume is preventing me from getting interviews?

Now when you google me, there are a few different search results on page one — some related to current and past jobs, some which clearly show I was a candidate.

I absolutely don’t talk politics at work but I worry that having it on my resume makes it seem like that could be a problem. But I worry not mentioning it will come off weird once they search my name. Any advice on how to tackle this part of my professional history while job hunting?

It’s possible it’s concerning some employers. It’s more likely to come up as a concern if you ran on any particularly controversial or inflammatory planks, but even if you didn’t, some employers may wonder if you plan to run again, how it might affect work, etc. Also, by including it on your resume, you’re saying “I think this is at least somewhat relevant to my qualifications,” which may worry them if it the connection isn’t clear.

However, particularly if you were a fairly middle-of-the-road candidate, a lot of people won’t care at all.

Regardless, though, you can just leave it off. It 100% will not come across as weird if they google you and see that you ran for office four years ago but didn’t put it on your resume. There’s nothing shady or odd about not including it on your resume; resumes are marketing documents, not exhaustive lists of everything you’ve ever done. You can simply leave it off and make it a non-issue.

Read an update to this letter. 

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Church member at my job wants help raising money for a bad idea

I work for a small church, of which I am also a member. Laurel has been a member for many years and works as a freelance bookkeeper. For many years, the church supported her ministry (for the sake of anonymity, let’s say it’s tree planting trips to Chile) through an ongoing support group and individual donations. She raises about $10,000 yearly. I spent around 100 hours last year working on administrative tasks for Laurel’s project.

I am a terrible bookkeeper and caused Laurel much consternation. I do other parts of the job well, so the church kept me on and has contracted with Laurel to work as the bookkeeper one day a week. We’ve clashed over minor but irritating things, like can a small office fit both the new desk that Laurel added, and a couch that she likes.

Today, a member of her group contacted me to see if I could look for grants that would help pay for Laurel’s upcoming trip. In looking online for more info about Laurel’s work, I was surprised to find out she has no forestry background, no training in habitat restoration, or any background on Chilean ecology. She decides on her own where and what trees should be planted. It turns out that she’s planting trees that aren’t native to Chile and are bad for the soil, and missionaries from our church have a long history in the region of making local people feel terrible about those trees when they die.

I have a graduate and undergraduate degree in forestry, and one of them is specifically in South American habitat restoration. I’ve worked in the field for a decade, spent time in Peru studying tree restoration programs, and published a paper on the topic. While I don’t use that now, I’m qualified to evaluate whether a tree planting program is more likely to harm than help. Laurel’s program is harmful.

$10,000 is an outrageous amount of money to raise for the length and scope of her project. She has always provided financial reports to her group, which I have not read. I suspect the amount is high because of things like Laurel giving money directly to local farmers she’s made friends with. She also pays for a class of travel that an older person would need to be comfortable, and compensates herself for the lost bookkeeping income she incurs during these trips. I don’t think she’s scamming anyone; I do think this whole thing is harmful to Chileans and a terrible use of money.

I assume no one has said anything over the years about Laurel’s planting trips to Chile because “I am called to restore habitats in Chile, will you help me?” is a hard ask to cast doubt on, plus takes some pretty niche knowledge to question.

None of this is sitting right with me. How much of this is my business? How much of this is bitch-eating-crackery about the office couch and sweating to get Laurel’s donation reports right? Should I say something to Laurel’s committee member or my supervisor, and if so, what?

Yes, you should say something to your manager. She’s misusing church money (even if unintentionally) and causing harm rather than helping, and you happen to be particularly equipped to see that in ways that others there aren’t. Frame it as: “Jane asked me to look for grants to help fund Laurel’s trip and in doing that I learned XYZ. I’m concerned because ___ and it seems like a poor use of church money and resources. I don’t feel comfortable with what I learned so I’m bringing it to you.” Make sure to mention your background in the field as well.

It’s your business because you’re part of the organization supporting her. It’s not bitch-eating-crackery because these are serious issues. You might feel extra agitated since you’re not Laurel’s biggest fan, but the issues are legitimate ones that you’d have an ethical obligation to raise even if she were your best friend.

For what it’s worth, Laurel shouldn’t be in charge of bookkeeping if that gives her extra autonomy over the funds that ultimately flow her way. And “compensates herself for the lost bookkeeping income she incurs during these trips” is particularly alarming — does that have someone else’s sign-off? That means the church is essentially employing her on these missions and makes her less of a volunteer, and that amplifies all these concerns further.

2. CEO said anonymous questions about the company cause resentment

My organization lost a major contract recently, and we’re preparing for layoffs of a few departments in the next few months. Everyone’s stressed out about it and there are a lot of unknowns, so the CEO is doing weekly all-staff meetings, optional for non-senior staff. These have mostly been Q&A sessions, with occasional announcements as more information is available.

In our most recent meeting, someone asked whether it would be possible for staff to ask questions anonymously, since some of these are hard topics. We don’t really have a culture where people need to fear reprisal, but all the same, it seems totally reasonable to me why someone wouldn’t feel comfortable asking questions publicly. Our CEO’s response was that in the past, when we’ve had ways for staff to provide anonymous feedback, the people who put their name on theirs were resentful of those who didn’t, and that people should find another way to ask their questions. (For context about those past ways, they were short-lived. Once people started asking hard questions — about DEI concerns, mainly — leadership made excuses to get rid of them.)

Is that answer as BS as I think it is? If we’re concerned about staff being resentful of each other, I’m much more concerned about the people who’ve been denied anonymity being resentful, especially toward leadership and the organization in general! I know there’s nothing I can do about this — I don’t have that kind of influence — but it feels pretty slimy to me and I’d love a reality check.

Yeah, that’s a BS and cowardly answer. When everyone is offered the opportunity to ask anonymous questions, people who choose to attach their names anyway don’t tend to be resentful of the people who don’t! That’s a really odd argument.

If anyone felt resentful at the time, it’s a lot more more likely that it was the leadership — who were getting confronted with uncomfortable questions and who knew the anonymity was making people more willing to ask them.

3. Is it weird to mention you researched your interviewers on LinkedIn?

Is it a faux pas for a candidate to read the LinkedIn profiles of the interviewers — and mention it during the interview during the normal course of conversation?

Are candidates supposed to pretend they are not doing their homework? How many interviewers are not expecting to be looked up at all?

It’s a faux pas if you do it in a creepy way (like you have their complete professional history memorized and make sure to mention you know all five of the states they’ve lived in) or if you try to shoehorn what you found into the conversation in an unnatural way. It’s not a faux pas if it comes up organically and is relevant to the conversation — like “I saw you worked at the Taco Union — I used the research you put out on guacamole-to-jalapeño ratio in my last job” or “I saw you used to work with Valentina Mulberry — she’s been a mentor of mine for a long time” or so forth.

4. My new office building keeps giving me static shocks

My office recently consolidated locations with our parent organization over the summer, which I was fine with (shorter commute!) until, to my horror, I started experiencing static shocks almost every time I touch a metal door handle, elevator button, dishwasher, etc. Every time I reach for anything metal, I am flinching in anticipation of a shock, which has been noticed by coworkers. Sometimes from me yanking my hand back in pain, and other times from the very audible crackle of static.

It is definitely localized to this new office location as I don’t have these static problems outside or at home or anywhere else, but I’ve asked around and no one else has confirmed they have this issue. It is starting to genuinely impact my mood in the office as I am now nervous about anything metal, but somehow it seems like a silly thing to ask about. Is a request to increase building humidity reasonable? Is there any advice for what I can do to make my office day less shocking? Help!

It’s definitely reasonable to talk to someone in facilities or similar and explain you’re regularly getting static shocks in the building, and ask if they can increase the humidity and/or do an anti-static treatment in the building. You could also consider bringing in a humidifier for your own work area (which won’t help with the rest of the building but will at least help with the area you’re in most often), trying an anti-static wristband (although there’s conflicting info on whether or not they work), and also moisturizing the hell out of your hands. And while this is getting way outside of my area of expertise, I do see advice online that wearing natural fabrics rather than synthetics can help. Anyone else?

5. Should I reach out to someone who previously offered me a job?

Two and a half years ago, I was job searching and ended up in a great position — I had two offers the same week. I did some negotiating and when I accepted one offer, I called the other folks and let them know how much I enjoyed the interview process with them. They let me know that they’d love to hear from me if I ever wanted to come work for them.

I’m starting to job search a little now, and I saw a position posted with that agency that fits my experience very well. I applied on the job posting site, but would it be too much to also send an email to the folks I had previously interviewed with? A quick LinkedIn search shows they’re still with the agency.

Not too much at all. They invited you to contact them in exactly these circumstances, and you should. Say something like, “We met in 2022 when I interviewed for the X position on your team. I ended up declining your offer but really enjoyed our conversations and learning about the work you do, and you asked me to let you know if my circumstances ever changed. I’m thinking about moving on from my current role and saw you’re hiring for Y. I’d love to talk with you again if you think I might be a match for that role.” And include your resume.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker won’t answer my boss’s questions

I work for a very small department within a bigger group. I have one coworker (Jane) and a boss (Amanda), and the boss also manages about eight others who are in a bigger department. My role is small and there is not much to do for one person, let alone two. Amanda is a poor manager, but not why I am writing in.

Amanda will frequently request meetings or ask other questions to me and Jane via Teams, but Jane only ever responds with a “thumbs up” reaction, even if the question requires a response. Amanda does not acknowledge a thumbs up as a response, which I truly think is because she doesn’t understand it rather than passive aggressively ignoring it. This leaves me to have to respond for us both, which I find frustrating. We don’t share an office, so it’s not easy for me to say, “Oh, Amanda just messaged us. Could you respond for us both” or something.

Similar things will happen when we have a meeting just us three, in that it basically turns into a conversation between me and Amanda with Jane just sitting there. We have had meetings where Jane literally did not say a word. Since then, I will wait to answer a question directed to us both so Jane will speak, but she never will. I have prompted her by saying, “Jane, what do you think?” and then she will say something, but it feels weird to do that every time.

Since I am not her supervisor I don’t feel like I can address this, but I hate it! It makes me feel like I’m working with a ghost. I believe it bothers Amanda too, based on some comments she has made, but she isn’t a good enough boss to address it. Is there anything I can do? Or is this just one of those things I should try to not let bother me?

Yes, this is ultimately on Amanda. But you could say to Jane, “When Amanda sends us questions, I’m usually the one who answers — could you jump in more often so it’s not always on me?” And from there, keep nudging her: when Amanda sends you both questions, if Jane isn’t responding, message her and say, “‘I’m swamped — could you reply to Amanda?”

Also, any chance Jane’s thumbs-up means “I see this and am acknowledging it, and will respond when I am able,” but because you’re jumping in she doesn’t get the chance? It would be interesting to simply wait a few of those times and see if she ever comes back to it. And if she doesn’t, then what happens? If it means no one responds, it might force Amanda to deal with the problem, whereas now she doesn’t need to because she’s getting what she needs from you. (Think of it this way: right now you’re volunteering to do Jane’s share of the work because you’re a conscientious person. That’s allowing Amanda to avoid stepping in. If you stop doing Jane’s share of the work, it’ll be harder for Amanda to avoid.)

You could also say to Amanda at some point, “I’ve noticed that I’m generally the only one answering your questions and I’d like to split the workload more evenly with Jane, so I’m going to hang back in the hopes she’ll take more of them.” And who knows, that might start an interesting conversation with Amanda about what’s going on, or at least nudge her to manage the situation more proactively.

2. “Hey girl”

I’m a mid-career professional and am a senior executive at a large global company where I run my own department.

Over the past couple of years I’ve noticed that other women within 10 years of my age (31) in either direction will address me — and each other — very informally via email. Things like, “Hey girl,” “Hi gal,” or even “Thanks girly,” etc. I find this deeply grating. It’s not an issue of gender identity (I’m a cisgender woman and present as such); it’s just annoying and somewhat infantilizing, especially because as a relatively young woman in a senior position, I’d rather not make myself appear younger than I already do.

I understand that this is a friendly signal and a way to create intimacy over email. I’m not a psychopath, I promise: I don’t think corporate communication needs to be dry or dusty. I just despise being addressed as “girl” or “gal” in this manner, especially by people I’m not actually friends with outside of work. I’d simply prefer to be addressed by my name.

I’m struggling to find the words to respectfully convey that I’m not receptive to this form of address without seeming like I’m the absolute worst. The last thing I want to do is come across like I’m policing other people’s language, and I certainly don’t want to destroy any friendly goodwill between my colleagues and I. If these were my subordinates, I’d simply state my preference and move on (and advise them not to address others outside of their name in writing at work, particularly in a gendered way). But because these are people across all levels, external and internal to our company, from other departments, I’m not sure what the best way forward is. Any advice on navigating this?

You could say, “I have a pet peeve about ‘girly’ — just Jane, please!”

But realistically, there will probably be clients or people who are senior to you where you’d be better off just rolling with it, especially if you say that once and it continues. You’ll have to judge it relationship by relationship.

3. My office mate comments on all my phone calls

I share an office with a colleague about whom I could write any number of cringe-inducing AAM letters, but I’ll try to focus on one issue at a time. Whenever I take a phone call, whether work-related or personal, she asks or comments about what I talked about, and it’s driving me insane. Because I’m pregnant, it’s not always feasible to take my calls elsewhere and, logistically, I have to continue sharing an office with her for the foreseeable future.

The content of the call does not matter to her. She always finds something to remark on, and I hate it. It could be a work call in which I let another team know about a mistake they need to correct, and she’ll comment on how they should have seen that already. Or I could call my husband to confirm that we’re meeting for our ultrasound appointment at 10, and she’ll want to know if he goes with me to all of my appointments. I think she’s just trying to establish some kind of rapport with me, but she’s doing the exact opposite.

I’m not on the phone much (a total of about five minutes a day, at most) or discussing anything highly personal or confidential, but I hate having to explain or expand on what I was just talking about to someone who is not (and shouldn’t be) involved. For now, I’ve been trying to give her brief non-answers and put my headphones back on as quickly as possible. But do you have a script I can use to ask her to stop?

“I know we’re sitting right near each other and can overhear things, but would you mind not commenting on my phone calls, and I’ll do the same for you? It’s easier to share space if we have some illusion of privacy, I think.”

4. Hurricane might be delaying interviews

I’m in an area that was mildly affected by Hurricanes Helene and Milton. Think high winds and flooding, but no reported deaths and minimal property damage.

I’ve recently applied to several jobs and while they’ve marked that I’ve been flagged for interview, obviously everyone is more concerned about returning to regular operations after the storm than prioritizing hiring. Is there anything I should do in this situation other than wait? If I’d already spoken to someone directly, I’d probably have sent an email wishing them well and confirming their timeline, but since I haven’t I don’t think I should (especially since flagged for interview might not mean that I’m definitely getting one).

Nah, leave it alone and assume they’ll contact you if they want to move forward at some point. I agree that if you’d already talked to someone, it would make sense to send a short email noting that you realize things might be delayed because of the hurricane but that you hope to talk whenever they’re ready to move forward. But since you haven’t had contact with anyone there yet, treat it like any other situation where you’ve applied and it’s in their court.