Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee cries audibly whenever she gets a new assignment

I am a lawyer at a small-ish law firm. We have five paralegals, of varying abilities. Our best and most senior paralegal is a bit of a cryer. It seems like it is part of her process. Every time she gets an assignment, she goes back to her cubicle and cries for about five minutes. The crying is audible. My office door is about 30 feet from her and I can hear it. It’s not to the level of “just informed a close friend died” but it’s beyond some silent tears when you watch a sad movie.

Then she composes herself, gets to work, and does a great job. So this isn’t a performance issue, but it is a bit of a perception issue. While she cries, the rest of the office kind of scatters. The other support staff, who are in the same open plan section of the office, have started finding things to do away from their desks as this happens. Those of us with offices and doors shut our doors. For a while, one of the other attorneys would stop what she is doing and check in, coach her through getting going, but it was clear that this was just A Thing That Happens. So the office has settled into a combination of ignoring it and making ourselves scarce.

Is this right? Do we keep just ignoring it? She always gets her work done and done well. (And we always make sure to let her know what a great job she does with assignments. We’ve tried a lot of positive reinforcement. It didn’t change anything about the initial crying.) She is very pleasant and happy outside of the five minutes after she gets a new assignment. The only real downside is that it is awkward, and when we have new people in the office they get a bit freaked out about our culture (which is pretty laid back, despite the daily crying interruptions). We do have some conference rooms that are often empty, so if she wanted a private space that is available. Do we start telling her that she needs to use one for crying? Is that appropriate?

I think it’s more than a minor issue! Working around someone who frequently cries audibly is a big deal! I’m not surprised her colleagues are scattering since most people would find that really stressful and disruptive. People can’t continue on with whatever work they’re doing (or social conversation, or whatever is happening in the moment) when someone nearby is audibly crying. It’s distracting, it will cast a huge pall over everyone who hears it, people will wonder if they should be trying to comfort her or at least acknowledging her sadness … it’s a big deal.

Have you ever talked to her about it, naming the pattern and asking what’s going on in those moments? I’d start there. As part of that conversation, you can explain that’s it’s rough on others and ask her to work with you on thinking of solutions, which could indeed include going into an empty conference room and closing the door. That’s not inappropriate, and you’d be on solid ground in asking her to. But it should be part of a larger conversation about what’s happening so that it doesn’t come across as just, “Yo, we don’t want to be bothered with your pain, hide it away.”

Related:
a new manager says it’s a problem that our employee cries in meetings, at her desk, and during team lunches

2. Another angry boss writing angry memos

The president of a company I used to work for sent the email below a few years ago. I saved it as an example of how not to manage people and as a reminder for myself to look for a new job.

For context, the “tweak” was a new feature request from the client. This occurred in 2019 and as of 2023 the client had continued to make suggestions for additional “tweaks.” It’s an inevitable part of being a company that does B2B bespoke software development. Here is his email (only names have been removed or altered):

I just finished having an email correspondence with (name) on the (project). He informed me that there was a meeting on Monday with (name) about more tweaks that need to be done. This is a pathetic effort on all your parts with no exceptions. How can a project that took months of planning and developing and designing and all of you involved in it miss a “tweak”? There is absolutely no sense of urgency on anyone’s part to launch anything that may give us a head start. All of you easily pass the blame on the other for either missing things or things not getting done on time. We have a major launch on hold because some of you or all of you missed a “tweak.”

Here is what IS going to happen. By the end of the day TODAY my time I want:
1. how was this missed
2. what is being done about it
3. when is this “tweak” going to be done and launched.

I don’t care who’s sick, on vacation, has other things to do, or whatever sad excuse anyone may come up with. The consequences for this not being done is not going to be pretty for anyone on this project. and if anyone of you thinks they are irreplaceable because of what you do, think again. Make it happen NOW.

This email was sent to approximately a dozen recipients, employees and managers, and almost all of them have since resigned from the company. What are your thoughts on this person’s leadership style?

Tiger Mike?

Aside from the fact that it’s not okay to talk to people that way, this person is an incompetent buffoon. Pre- and post-launch tweaks are such a routine and unremarkable part of software projects that the fact that he doesn’t realize that makes me wonder how he can possibly be in his position. It’s no surprise his staff all leave.

Related:
angry boss writing angry memos – the next installment

3. My team went to dinner without inviting me

I am the new head of a department and the leadership team (my direct reports and I) had an off-site on my second week. On the last day of our off-site, we invited the staff in that location for drinks in our offices. I saw two of my direct reports grabbing their stuff and asked if they were about to leave and they confirmed (they said they were tired). I handed over a gift and wished them a good flight.

I then spoke to other staff members, who said that my direct reports were going out for a dinner and asked them to join, and these other staff members asked if I’d join too. I hadn’t been invited and, given that my direct reports had had a few opportunities to do so, I said that unfortunately I could not join. I later went to my direct reports, who were standing together with other staff members to say goodbye, and again there was no mention to me that they were going out for dinner.

As they did invite staff members, and it was a close-off of the off-site, to me it wasn’t the same as socializing without the boss. (If it were only my direct reports going, it would not make me think at all that I’m being excluded.) It did make me sad, so I wonder if I should ask one of them what happened?

Don’t ask what happened. People sometimes want to socialize without their boss there, even if the boss is great, especially at the end of an intense off-site. It’s just different socializing with the boss there versus not; people can’t relax in the same way.

You said you’d understand that if it had been just your direct reports, but that doesn’t change just because they invited others. I know you probably feel awkward that they went out of their way to not tell you, but that’s not terribly unusual with this kind of thing. It’s genuinely okay that they wanted to do their own thing without their manager there, and you shouldn’t take it personally or make them think you feel weird about it.

4. My interviewer didn’t take any notes

How am I supposed to deal with an interviewer who seemingly isn’t taking notes when I answer her questions, but invited me in the first place?

I was invited for an interview and there were three panelists: one young woman, one young man, and one older woman (the one who contacted me). During my interview, only the man took notes during my answers to their questions and at one point, the older woman sighed and looked exasperated with him for taking notes.

I have not heard back from them but this interview was my attempt to get away from a very inappropriate boss in a different part of the agency who was harassing me. Maybe he knows this person and asked her to string me along? Is this a normal thing that happens?

Nope! That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen here — anything is possible — but it’s not common and there’s nothing whatsoever to indicate it occurred. Lots of interviewers don’t take notes! Some panels of interviewers assign one person to take notes. Others don’t care about notes at all. You shouldn’t read anything into that.

5. Am I ruining my life by moving for my spouse’s job?

I am about to move to a different state because my spouse broke into a career with a difficult threshold for entry after years of trying. I will be leaving a stable in-person job that I like, but which has enough problems that I was planning to find a new position anyway to improve my quality of life. I just did not expect to be searching out of necessity so soon, and did not expect to need to dive into the remote work world given our relocation destination away from our current metropolitan hub.

People from my millennial cohort seem to see no problem, and are nothing but optimistic about the move and my future opportunities. Yet after a month of searching with some leads but no offers, my parents tell me I am ruining my life by leaving a stable job to turn to remote work and are constantly ask whether I have found a job yet. Dare I ask you to be the tie-breaker — am I ruining my life, or is being a “trailing spouse” not the life-ruiner my parents seem to fear and this situation is better to present to a therapist?

Having to change jobs when you move with a spouse is not a life ruiner. If you do it repeatedly, it could make your professional life a lot harder — or at least not what you wanted — but even that isn’t a life ruiner, unless for you a happy life can only revolve around one specific career track. (No judgment if so! But most people have a lot of different work scenarios that could be compatible with a happy life.)

I’m also curious why you (or your parents?) are defining “stable work” and “remote work” as opposites. Remote work isn’t inherently less than stable than non-remote work. They’re all just jobs.

Also, a month with some leads but no offers is pretty normal and not a sign of doom.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Interns stole alcohol at a work retreat

I recently started a new role, and last week we had a three-day annual retreat with the whole organization (about 30 people). It was a great experience overall, but it ended on a sour note: on our last evening, after a team dinner, two interns and one junior employee (who is still in their probation period) got very drunk, broke back into the restaurant where we had eaten after it closed, and stole an expensive bottle of alcohol.

None of us were aware of this until the next morning at breakfast, when the owners of the event space came into the restaurant, identified the three thieves through security camera footage, and demanded that they pay the full price of the bottle — $250. The interns and the junior employee seemed suitably embarrassed and went back to their rooms to gather up the money.

I was seated with a group of other managers and the CEO, and their conclusion seemed to be, “Well that was embarrassing, but if they pay for the bottle that’s the end of the story.” Personally, I thought that it should have been taken much more seriously — it seemed like a major lapse in judgement, and had it been my decision to make, I would have fired all three. I am a manager, but none of the three involved report to me directly, so it’s out of my hands. Still, should they have faced consequences from our organization as well, or was the fact that they were called out publicly and had to pay for the bottle enough?

For what it’s worth, there was wine served at the final team dinner, but it was far from a debaucherous free-for-all; there were speeches from the CEO and VP, a quiz about our organization’s history, that kind of thing — convivial, but no one other than the interns was getting drunk.

Yeah, I’m with you. You don’t commit a B&E during a work retreat!

It’s easy to leap to “I’d have fired them,” and that was my initial response. But when I reality-tested that by asking myself, “Is that really what I’d do in that situation or is it just the easy answer when it’s a hypothetical rather than reality?” and “What if this were an otherwise excellent employee with a great track record?” There are some situations where I could imagine not immediately firing the people involved and instead having an extremely serious conversation along the lines of, “This is unacceptable behavior to associate us with and a lapse in judgment that has broken our trust, and the consequences of that are….” (Even then though, are you ever going to be able to comfortably send that person on a business trip or out with clients? So it also depends on what their job is. And you’d need a lot of history of strong judgment and good work before this to even bother.) But two interns and a junior employee still in their probation period — i.e., people without a track record to counter-balance this incident? I’d be a lot less inclined.

What’s interesting to me about this isn’t that they weren’t fired, but that the organization’s response seems so mild in general. Like it wasn’t even a big deal as long as they paid for the bottle? That part — the lack of any serious concern — is pretty weird.

(Note: Much of my response is because they broke into the restaurant. That’s a big deal! If it was more like they swiped a bottle that was sitting in plain view somewhere, it still wouldn’t be okay, but I’d be less shocked by the lower-key response.)

2. I hate my workplace, but I don’t want to accept an alternate offer (I think)

I work at a mid-sized nonprofit that, to put it bluntly, is a mess. It’s an unhealthy work environment, everyone is charging towards being burnt out at an accelerated rate, we’re all overwhelmed, communication is a nightmare, we’re building the plane as we’re flying; you name a problem, and we probably have it in spades. But, I find the work I do enjoyable and fulfilling, like a handful of my coworkers, and have good enough work-life boundaries that my work problems rarely bleed enough into my free time to be a problem.

I spend probably an equal number of days excited to go to work in the morning as I do considering slashing my tires so I can get out of going in.

I recently received an offer from a sister organization to transfer to their branch. I have worked at this branch before at a part-time capacity with a lower title than I have now, so I know a bit about the environment and what would likely be expected of me. To be clear, since this is a sister organization, my status, benefits, pay, or title will not change at all. The only things that would change would be my workplace, work environment, and extra duties as assigned.

They’ve given me time to think about it, and I’m flabbergasted that as of right now, I don’t want to leave my current job.

When I think about the differences between the two, my current job, for its many, many flaws, feels more exciting and full of opportunities, including opportunities to make things better. The offer likely would provide a more healthy and stable day to day environment, less extra work, and somehow, that feels more boring to me. And yet, logically I know I would be stupid to stay.

Have I somehow Stockholm Syndromed myself into wanting to stay at a job that makes me miserable at least half the time? Am I being delusional about what the potential benefits of staying versus leaving?

Any chance it’s not so much that you want to stay where you are, but that you’re not excited about this specific other job? Is it possible you’d be more enthused about leaving for a different job altogether? Maybe you shouldn’t be comparing Current Job vs. Sister Job, but rather Current Job vs. something else entirely and should job hunt more broadly.

Or, it’s possible that you’re nervous about leaving something that’s comfortable. People often feel anxious about leaving bad jobs — because you like your coworkers, or you know how to get things done there, or everyone respects you, and on and on. It can be hard to leave that situation for something unknown, even if you hate it some of the time.

Or who knows, maybe you like the chaos. Some people do! In that case the solution might be to reframe the frustrating parts in your mind so you see them more clearly as trade-offs you’re intentionally choosing and are okay with. That can take some mental gymnastics, but if you can get that kind of clarity on it, it can make the difficult parts more bearable.

I don’t know which of these it is for you, but those are the questions I’d be gnawing on in your shoes.

Related:
feeling anxious about leaving my bad job for a better one

3. Is it OK to vacation with a friend from work?

I recently took a promotion, which meant I moved to a different state/work facility for my job. I now oversee a handful of associates as an assistant manager.

I have been good friends with one of my coworkers, “Brad,” at this site/department for a few years now. We started chatting on a business trip, and we’ve been friends ever since. Our friendship has always been strictly platonic, and this hasn’t changed since I’ve moved to the area.

Since the move, Brad and I have gotten into the habit of hanging out one or two times a week, including him introducing me to some of his non-work friends. We’ve grabbed dinner and watched movies, met up for drinks, or even just hung out at my apartment pool. It’s been a good transition so far, because I’m new to the area and didn’t know anyone else before I moved.

Brad invited me to go to his family’s vacation house in Florida for a few days. We both have time off work, and I think it would be an awesome couple days hanging out by the pool in Florida. We would each have our own bedroom/bathroom, but it would just be the two of us. My question is, is this crossing the line into “ick”?

Both of us have the same manager at work, and we work together in the same department/office. We’re both the same hierarchical level due to my recent promotion, but I am a newer manager and there is lots of room to move up in the future. He mainly does project work as a “technical expert” and does not manage people. Neither of us are going to mention the Florida trip at work or to mutual friends/coworkers, but does this cross the line? I can’t shake the feeling that this would be a really bad idea professionally, even though we’ve been friends for a few years before we started working directly together in the same department/site.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with taking a trip with a coworker who you’re friends with outside of work.

If you think you might ever be promoted to a position where you’re managing Brad, I wouldn’t go because that could really complicate things. But otherwise, it doesn’t have to be particularly line-crossing.

However, can you dig in deeper to where your discomfort is coming from? Do you feel weird because he’s a coworker, or because he’s a male coworker? (Obviously you’d want to feel confident that Brad also sees this as purely platonic and you won’t end up spending a few awkward days trapped together after he makes a move on you by the pool, but it sounds like you do.) Is it because it would intensify the friendship to a level you’re not sure you want? Does it feel like it’s blending worlds (work vs friends) too much? Would you just feel weird if people at work knew about it, and wouldn’t want anyone to find out?

“It just feels like crossing a line that I’m not comfortable with” is a perfectly good reason not to go, as is “I can’t shake the feeling that it would harm me professionally in this particular workplace.” So are any of the reasons in my previous paragraph. But if it’s just a worry that it’s inherently inappropriate to travel with a work friend, I don’t think it is.

(Full disclosure, I once went to Vegas with a male friend from work and it was awesome.)

4. Can a church require employees’ spouses to tithe?

I work for a church in Illinois that requires employees to tithe 10% of their income. However, this church also requires tithing based on household income, including my wife’s income, even though she is not employed by the church. They estimate spouses’ incomes and track our giving monthly. If we don’t meet the required amount, they can fire me or withhold yearly raises. Can they legally require my wife to tithe?

They sure can. But I’d love to know how they’re “estimating” your wife’s income.

5. When can I call someone’s cell versus a main number?

If you do not have a previously established relationship with a business contact, and they list their mobile number alongside the “direct” or “main” business line in their email signature, which is it best to start with if you have to call them (with no previous arrangement in place)?

Pandemic times shifted norms considerably regarding the role of personal cell phones and the workplace, and I’m unsure where things have landed. Sometimes the person answering the office phone thinks it’s weird that I’m calling and it seems like my message will never reach my contact, but then sometimes the contact is blindsided if I try their cell. I’m also wary of accidentally calling their cell on a day off or if there’s a time difference I’m not cognizant of. That’s never good. What’s the general consensus these days?

If they list a cell and a “direct” or “main” number, start with the direct/main number. If the person who answers there doesn’t instill you with confidence that your message will reach the person, say something like, “I do have her cell — should I try her there instead?”

If you have their email address and the query isn’t time-sensitive, you can also just start with an email, even if it’s just to ask to set up a time for a call. There are plenty of industries where an unscheduled phone call is still the norm, but lots of contexts where emailing first works well too and makes all this a non-issue.

And of course, once you’ve established some initial contact with the person, you can always ask which number they prefer you use in the future.