Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I was demoted and now can’t move back up

I’ve been at my company for over a decade, and have a track record of being an asset to the company. A year ago, I mutually agreed to step down from a management position. The proposal was I was better suited to a different, soon to be open position. I’d temporarily go back to entry level, but the door was open to quickly move on to something more challenging.

I’m sure you can see where this is going. The position didn’t materialize as there was a hiring freeze and now they are not replacing head count. That means I’m trapped in a role I outgrew 10 years ago, and it is devastating. As someone who actively seeks a challenge and always wants to do more for the good of the team and the business, I feel extremely limited by my current role. I still go above and beyond, and management still feels I’m adding value, but I feel like I’m using one-fifth of my potential. To be honest, I’m literally bored to tears.

I’m doing my best to find ways to do more, but I’m limited by the parameters of my position. I’ve asked my management team for more of a challenge, but they have nothing. Their opinion is that I am adding value in my role and I am an asset, and if I don’t see it that way, they can’t help the way I feel. There’s nothing open and not even a project or additional responsibilities they are willing to consider.

I want to stay with this company, but I don’t know how much longer I can continue in this role. My company recognizes my capabilities, but how can I get active interest in letting me actually using them?

You need to change companies, I’m sorry. You’d been at the company for 10 years and were in a management position and they moved you to an entry-level position you’d outgrown a decade ago? That is not the sign of a company that has faith in you or plans to move you anywhere near the level you’d been at. It doesn’t sound like there were even specific plans to move you back up (“you’ll move to X job in three months once it’s open”), just that the “door was open” to something more challenging. And now you’re “adding value” in this entry-level role so you have to stay put? Something doesn’t smell right here.

This is their long-term, possibly permanent, plan for you. I don’t know why — maybe it’s something that happened in your last role, or maybe someone in management really doesn’t like you. But this is their plan, and they’re telling you that pretty clearly. It’s time to look outside the company.

2. My coworker refuses to talk to us and management won’t do anything

I work in a bookstore, and our location is fairly laid-back. Several employees have friendships outside of work, but even among those who don’t, the relationships are friendly. Think casual greetings as people arrive, offering to help cover an area if someone is having a rough day, etc.

A few months back, one of my coworkers (Ann) became rather standoffish. This came out of nowhere. She talks to one other coworker and to our managers, but if any of the rest of us says anything — up to and including “hi!” — it’s like we don’t exist. She ignores us entirely. The coworker she does interact with will talk with us if Ann isn’t around, but if Ann is in then neither of them will speak to or acknowledge anyone other than the managers. This has been brought to the attention of our managerial team a few times and by multiple coworkers, and while they’ve spoken to Ann, nothing has really changed.

We just lost an employee, Sam, who is moving in a couple months. He told the team that he could have stayed another month but left earlier than necessary due to feeling pushed out by Ann and her friend. When one of my coworkers brought this to a manager, she was told that as far as management is concerned, they believe Ann is being unfairly bullied. It seems unlikely that they’ll be taking any further steps to sort this out. What do I do? Go to upper management? Accept that Ann is going to pretend the rest of us don’t exist? I don’t need to be best friends with everyone I work with, but acknowledging that I’ve said something doesn’t seem too much to ask?

Expecting a colleague will acknowledge when you’ve spoken is not too much to ask; that’s basic civility, and your management shouldn’t be okay with employees being ignored. But multiple people have talked to them about it, and they’re not intervening. At this point, the easiest path is to accept that this is how Ann is, internally roll your eyes, and stop caring. Unless it’s actively interfering with your ability to do your job, it’s not worth escalating to higher level management.

I am curious about what led them to conclude Ann is being bullied. Did something happen that led to Ann ignoring everyone? It’s possible you might not know about it if something did. I’m also curious how people have been treating Ann since she shut down; there are certainly ways people could be reacting to her standoffishness that could read as bullying, like trying to force a greeting or shouting “hello” loudly to make a point, etc. Regardless, though, everyone is better off just accepting that Ann, for whatever reason, isn’t going to talk to most coworkers and letting that go. That doesn’t mean it’s okay or that someone higher-up shouldn’t intervene! But they’re not going to, so this is the path with the least strife and drama.

3. Surprise baby shower

One of my coworkers sent out a meeting request for an on-site meeting during work hours to our full team that was billed as a meeting to brainstorm group goals and group activities. I thought it was odd that it was coming from this coworker rather than our department head, and that it was on-site without a lot of notice since much of our team is hybrid/remote, but it was a day I was already scheduled to be on-site so I accepted without really thinking. After I’d already accepted the meeting, my coworker sent a follow-up email to everyone except for a member of our team who is pregnant that the actual purpose of this meeting is to have a surprise baby shower for the coworker who is expecting.

I had already contributed to a group gift organized by another coworker and am happy to celebrate my coworker’s impending arrival — but from a distance. I have had my own fertility struggles which culminated last year in emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. Other than my immediate manager, my team is unaware of the reason for my surgery and I am not interested in sharing details beyond “unexpected abdominal surgery” with them. While I am genuinely happy for my coworker and was happy to contribute to the group gift, going to a baby shower would hit hard on my sadness over my fertility struggles and the way they ended. When I even think about playing baby shower games, I start to cry.

My immediate manager is on vacation this week so I cannot discuss this with them. Since I would rather not share why I don’t want to attend to anyone else, is there a way you’d recommend handling this?

You’ve unfortunately developed a scheduling conflict with the meeting and won’t be able to attend, but hope they have a great time! That’s it. If that requires altering your schedule for that day, go ahead and do that. Really! You’re not obligated to attend this bait-and-switch shower, and the politest way to decline is to develop a conflict.

Also, this is a weird way for your coworker to manage the shower! I can see why she might have disguised it as a meeting for the coworker being celebrated, but she shouldn’t have lured the rest of you to accept under false pretenses, especially since most people would think the sort of meeting she billed it as was a lot more mandatory than a shower. (And I hope she knows for sure that the pregnant coworker will appreciate a shower! Not everyone wants them, either at work or in general, and sometimes for reasons related to religious customs or medical situations. Surprise showers are risky if you don’t know for sure.)

4. As a new manager, can I take over hiring from my team?

Last year I took over managing a 10-person technical team that I had previously worked on for five years. A few months ago, I had my first chance to hire a new employee. The previous long-time team lead had always involved everyone in the hiring process — some people screen resumes, others conduct interviews, and the team brings one or two candidates to the lead for a final interview. I liked this idea so I kept the tradition. But my team brought me duds. So I went back through the applications myself, found strong candidates that my team had missed, interviewed them and hired one. The new hire has been a huge success, and people on my team have come to me privately to thank me for not hiring any of the initial candidates.

But now I have a problem. We’re about to hire again, and after my last experience I’ve convinced myself that I’m a better judge of candidates than my team is collectively. I’m tempted to just do the hiring process myself as it will be faster and I’ll be more confident in the result. I’m worried though that this will show a lack of confidence in my team. I’m not generally a micromanager; I give my team lots of latitude to manage their own tasks. Will they be offended if I keep the hiring process to myself?

Why not reverse it — do the initial screening and first-round interviews yourself, and then bring the finalists to meet with your team? You should be clear that this isn’t a vote; you’re the one making the hire, but you want their input before the final decision. If anyone asks about the change, you can say, “I didn’t think the old system worked as well as I wanted when we used it last time, but I want people to have an opportunity for input once we have solid candidates.”

This is a reasonable and  very common way to do it.

Also! Involving everyone in hiring might sound good in theory, but will often collapse completely unless you invest real time in getting everyone on the same page about exactly what you’re looking for and how to rigorously assess it, as well as training them in things like how to interview effectively and combating biases as they evaluate. Otherwise you’re likely to end of with a hodgepodge of candidates who people just liked personally, thought would be a good coworker, or filled some side agenda they might have that doesn’t align with the must-have’s for the role. In fact, even with people playing a more limited role this time, you should still invest in doing some of that work.

5. Giving notice when your boss is on vacation

I have a good problem, I think, in that I have been through three rounds of interviews with my dream job, and they seem (???) excited about me. No guarantees, of course, but based on what they’ve said I am hoping to see an offer early this week!

The problem? My boss leaves for a two-week vacation on Wednesday. I am crazy excited about this new opportunity, but I have also loved where I am now. It’s a small company and they’ve taught me so much. I don’t want to put my current boss in a bad situation, either by telling her right before she leaves and ruining her vacation or by giving a short notice if I wait until she’s back. What’s the most professional way to handle this — assuming, of course, that everything goes right with the new job?

Is there anyone else you could reasonably give your notice to while your boss is gone — like your boss’s boss or your boss’s deputy? If so, give it to that person. They’ll be best equipped to decide if it’s something your boss needs to/would want to be alerted to while she’s on vacation. And you can just let that decision be above your pay grade; you’ll have given your notice and the clock will be counting down on your notice period.

But if the company is so small that there’s really no one else to resign to — like if it’s your boss, you, and a handful of peers — you probably do need to call her while she’s away. Yes, it sucks to have to deal with something like that from vacation, but that’s part of the deal when you’re running a really small company. Apologize for the timing and explain you’re bothering her only because you didn’t want to blindside her with just a few days notice when she’s back. If she decides she doesn’t want to deal with it until she’s back anyway, so be it — but let it be her call.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker keeps prying into my romantic life

I’m a woman who’s not straight, and not out to anyone where I work. I’m in my mid 20s, and a coworker who has to be in at least her 60s is constantly making remarks about me having/getting a boyfriend. In one instance that happened today, I was typing something on my phone and when she saw this, asked if I was “texting my boyfriend.”

Even though it doesn’t sound as if she means anything malicious by it, her comments still make me really uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to best address this because I’m not a very confrontational person, and I don’t want to out myself accidentally. Do you have any advice for how I can respond to this coworker if she does this in the future?

Give her a weird look and ask, “Why are you always asking me about a boyfriend?” Or: “Why are you always asking me about boyfriends? It’s a weird thing to keep saying.” You said you’re not very confrontational and so you might feel rude saying this, but I want to stress that it’s not rude! It is really odd of her, and if she’s well-intentioned, she’d want to know that she’d making you uncomfortable / coming across strangely.

But if you want a softer option, let your face look visibly unhappy/uncomfortable and say, “Could you please stop making comments like that? It makes me really uncomfortable.” This is also not rude to say! This is letting someone know they’re doing something they probably don’t intend (making you uncomfortable) — and again, if she’s well-intentioned, she’ll appreciate knowing (like if you kindly tipped her off to a massive chunk of spinach in her teeth). There’s also, “I prefer not to talk about my dating life at work, thanks for respecting that.”

There’s a certain breed of person who, once out of their 20s/30s, assumes everyone in their 20s has a wild dating life or wants a wild dating life, is possibly wistful about not being in that mode anymore themselves, becomes intrusive on the topic while thinking they’re being supportive, and nearly always assumes heterosexuality. You’re allowed to correct these people’s boundaries and tell them the comments are unwelcome. (There are other explanations for the behavior too, but this one is especially common.)

2. My dad says I shouldn’t ask what kind of training I’d get as a new manager

I have applied for and received an interview for a new position. The position is manager level, and it would be my first time managing a group of people officially. Throughout my 10+ year career, I have led various projects and teams of people, so “being in charge,” delegating workloads, delivering feedback, and other various managerial tasks will not be new to me. In my opinion, not having an official people leader role on my resume is my biggest weakness on paper. I fully believe in my ability to be a manager; it does not scare me.

I know you typically advise against taking job-searching advice from parents, but my dad works in the same industry. I was discussing with him the list of questions I had for my interviewers, which included a question about what type of training the company provides for new managers. My dad said that I should not ask that question, or any question relating to leadership training, because it will come across like I am doubting my ability to manage and would require training to be able to do it.

Part of the reason I am interested in this role is the potential for advancement beyond the manager level, so I am curious about how this company prepares their people for advancement. Is asking about manager/leadership training a terrible idea? Is there a way to frame it so it doesn’t come off like I doubt myself?

Don’t listen to your dad. When I’m interviewing someone who would be formally managing for the first time, I want to see that they have a healthy appreciation for the challenges of moving into that role and that they’re not assuming everything will be smooth sailing or that they have nothing to learn. Formally managing for the first time is a huge learning curve, and it goes far better when the new manager understands and expects that. You don’t want to seem insecure, of course, but you also don’t want to come off as cocky or like you don’t think you’ll need any support.

And for you as a candidate, it’s far better for your first management position to be with a company that offers new managers support and doesn’t just throw you in to sink or swim.

The one tweak I’d make is that rather than just asking about training, I’d ask about what kind of support you’d get as a new manager. Formal management training is fine as far as it goes, but you can get much the same from a book or myriad YouTube videos if you’re motivated to; what you really need is ongoing support and mentorship.

3. Career opportunity vs. marital sacrifices

For over 20 years, my wife has dedicated herself to the same company, now serving as an executive who genuinely loves her job. Since 2015, she has been able to work remotely, which allowed us to move three times to accommodate my career. Throughout this journey, her patience and accommodation have been remarkable – I am truly fortunate.

We’re currently residing on the east coast, but our situation could change yet again. A year ago, I experienced a mental health crisis that led me to leave my job. Since then, I have taken a dead-end role in a field outside my expertise. Not only is the work unfulfilling, but the pay is also inadequate. An incredible opportunity has now presented itself – an amazing role that aligns with my experience. However, accepting this position would necessitate yet another move across the country.

The prospect of constantly restarting in new communities at our age (in our 40s) is daunting. Moreover, the time difference between the potential location and the east coast would strain my wife’s remote work situation with her colleagues. I am torn – I don’t want to remain in this dead-end job or settle for any available position just to stay put. Yet, I also cannot fathom negatively impacting my wife’s health, happiness, or career, for she has been more accommodating than any spouse should ever be expected to be.

We are at a crossroads, weighing our options. We could stay on the east coast, where I would either continue searching for a new job or potentially not work at all. Alternatively, we could relocate across the country, which would mean my wife working 2-3 hours behind her colleagues and the arduous task of building a new local support network. A third option would be for me to move alone, leaving us to navigate the challenges of residing apart while finding ways to visit one another regularly. None of these scenarios seem ideal, as they all present significant sacrifices. The question that weighs heavily is, how can we strike a balance, pursuing our respective careers while nurturing the profound commitment of our marriage?

You’re putting an awful lot of weight on this one single job. If it’s not right for your family (because it would strain your wife’s work situation, ask something grueling that she’s already done quite a lot at this point, or require you to live apart), it’s okay to decide it’s not right for your family and keep looking. That doesn’t mean that you’re dooming yourself to the job you’re in now. It just means that one across the country isn’t right for you.

But this is also very specific to your marriage, and to your wife. Maybe your wife is the rare person who enjoys moving around and starting over socially. Maybe she’s not daunted by the prospect and is encouraging you to do it. But since you’re citing the work challenges for her and considering living separately, I’m guessing that’s not the case. So where does she stand on this? If she’s anything other than wholeheartedly enthusiastic — this person who has already uprooted herself three separate times for your career in the past — then I think you’ve got to decline the west coast job and keep looking locally. That’s a sacrifice, yes, but she’s already made a bunch of them and it may simply be your turn.

4. How do I tell my team member to be less uptight?

I am the manager of a new marketing writer, “Adam.” Adam joined my team six weeks ago and I am finding his uptight nature at odds with company culture and the work that we do.

Adam is very reserved and incredibly polite. All his interactions on chat and email are formal: hope you’re well, etc. In meetings, he is very scripted, reeling off actions and status updates. There is no banter, light-heartedness, “how was your weekend?” or joking about.

When we interviewed him, I really warmed to him as someone who was quiet, but pleasant and cared about doing well. Now in employment, that has translated into awkwardness and a reluctance to say when he is finding things hard and needs help.

My company is in a classically traditional, corporate space but we are actively about not being like that, and being creative and conversational and interesting instead. I have found Adam’s uptight nature filters through into his writing, which is dry and corporate—even after he has made efforts to make it less so. Adam is unlikely to pass his probation period at this stage.

As a manager, I am casual and friendly, swear like a sailor and like to have a chat as well as talking shop. This is the same for other team members, so the cues are there that it’s okay to be more informal. How do I get Adam to lighten up? I want to tell him to relax, but I know that will only make him self-conscious.

Separate out the work issues from the social ones. If Adam were doing great work, wouldn’t it matter much less that he’s formal in emails and meetings and doesn’t banter or relax? Those things aren’t — or shouldn’t be — the reason he’s unlikely to pass his probation period. But the work issues very much are, so focus there. Right now, he’s not writing the way the job requires, so give him clear and direct feedback about where his writing isn’t hitting the mark and what needs to change. Give that feedback on individual projects, but also talk to him about the pattern — be clear that this is a broad issue with how he’s approaching the work in general, not just small tweaks to individual pieces of writing. And if you haven’t been up-front with him that you can’t keep him in the job if this doesn’t get fixed, be honest about that; he deserves to know so he can make good decisions for himself (like starting to look around at other options now rather than being blindsided when he’s fired one day).

But try to separate out the social stuff. You’re seeing it all as part of the same problem — and perhaps it is — but the really relevant and actionable pieces are the ones about his actual work.

5. Did my old company own the rolodex I created while working there?

Years ago, I worked as a paralegal at a law firm. When I started working there, I had come from a much larger firm where one of my tasks was to request medical records. At the new firm, it turned out that this task was the bulk of my job and I quickly noticed that many of my colleagues used Google to locate contact information each time they needed to call a facility. I decided to create a rolodex for myself to keep track of contact info for the places we routinely requested records from. It just seemed silly and inefficient that I would request information from ABC Medical Center three times a week and would have to google their number every time I needed to follow up with them.

At first, the rolodex was hardly useful and only had a few names and numbers. But by the time I left, it was full with almost every single medical facility you could think of, their main telephone number, their direct line to the medical records department, and the name of the person handling the records, plus a supervisor’s name. At my desk I even had taped up lists for entire medical systems with all the hospitals/clinics in the system and all their contact info. People often came to my desk to browse the rolodex and would sometimes leave post-it notes or email me asking for contact info. All that to say, if you needed to get a real person on the phone, I knew who that was and how to reach them.

About a year before I left, they hired Jane. She was inexperienced and had a rough time getting used to the job. Eventually I moved on and when I did I took my rolodex with me. I heard through the grapevine that Jane did not improve and soon after an old coworker told me that when management pressed Jane about some of her issues, she blamed me for not having the proper contact information. That same week I got a call from my boss practically breathing fire and threatening legal action because I had taken my rolodex. She said that my rolodex was the firm’s intellectual property and I had no right to it and was keeping Jane from doing her job well. I was confused and initially refused to “return” it because in my opinion it never belonged to them. It was something that I created for myself to make my job easier, that no one else at the firm had seen fit to do, and that everyone else benefited from while I worked there. After my boss spent 10 minutes speaking legalese at me, I offered to make her a copy but told her that I needed the rolodex in my new role. She was less than nice about that suggestion, and I got upset and flat out told her that it wasn’t my fault that people relied entirely on me for something that I didn’t have to do — something that anyone else could have done, that anyone else could still do if they felt like it (or, ya know, they could go back to googling like they were doing before I got there). We were at a stalemate and as I was young I got the “this is how the real world works” lecture with veiled threats about how this could impact me and my future career. I thanked her for her “concern” and hung up.

My old coworker recently joked about it but framed it as if I was in the wrong. Something along the lines of, “Remember when you told Old Boss to shove it and they couldn’t have their rolodex back? Haha.” That mildly annoyed me but got me thinking. Was it “their” rolodex and not mine? Should I have just handed it over? Again, I was more than happy to make a copy but old boss wasn’t just upset that they didn’t have it. She seemed more upset that I was using it to “thrive elsewhere.” Quotes as those were the exact words she used. How should I have handled it?

Yeah, legally they owned it. It was your idea to create it and your work putting it together, but that was done as part of your work for that company, so it falls under their legal ownership. (Just like if you had the idea to create any other new initiative while you were there; if it’s done as part of your work for them, legally they own it.)

Your boss handled it really terribly, but she wasn’t wrong on the fundamental ownership question.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Thongs at work

The other day, while I was at a healthcare facility where they do both clinical visits and operations, I saw a female employee walking by me, wearing her perfectly-acceptable scrubs, who was clearly an operating room doctor or nurse. For whatever reason (lack of sleep, my own HR awareness, curiosity) I noticed her buttcheeks were very … wiggly. She was slim, so it wasn’t super noticeable, but it definitely looked as if she was wearing a thong or other kind of cheeky underwear. For personal context, I’m a cis het woman, I’m an HR manager (not in a healthcare setting anymore, though I have been before), I’m not slim by any stretch of the imagination, and I don’t personally wear any undies that can rise up my butt — though I used to, but never for work. I don’t really care what anybody wears under their clothes, as long as the clothes themselves are appropriate for the work the person does. Still, something didn’t sit right with me being able to see that woman’s butt wiggle in that specific setting.

She wasn’t my doctor or nurse, and I don’t know how I’d feel about it if she had been. So, my question to you is: the discomfort of having a piece of floss up one’s butt (while doing surgery!) notwithstanding, is what she was wearing ever okay?

I don’t know how we could conclude that what you saw was about her underwear rather than just … the way her body is? Regardless, though, as a general rule we’re all better off not thinking about what underwear anyone else is wearing or not wearing! Some butts are jigglier than others. Some boobs are jigglier than others. (And for that matter, not everyone finds thongs uncomfortable; some people find them more comfortable. Bodies are different.) As long as everything that should be covered is covered, we’re all fine.

2. Should I tell my trainers one of their examples was in poor taste?

I was just in a mandatory training for work about storytelling — more of crafting a story to get buy-in from stakeholders, etc. in business settings.

The very first example they led with to demonstrate strong and to the point storytelling was the famous “For sale: baby shoes. Never worn” example attributed to Hemingway. I lost a niece at eight months old in a very sudden and tragic way. To add to that, she died right around Christmas, meaning I had to donate/regift presents I had bought her for what would have been her first Christmas. This was four years ago and I’ve been to therapy and I have mostly been able to avoid any overly emotional reactions to about her at work. They started to ask people what they thought about the story around the room and I could already feel tears welling up, so I exited quickly and went to the bathroom but the waterworks had started and I could not stop them. I got them mostly under control, but when I came back in I kept welling up and I KNOW it looked like I had been crying. Some coworkers I’ve worked with long enough that they know what happened, but others don’t. Luckily it was a larger group of like 40 people, but I know the table I was sitting at could see what I looked like and to make matters worse I was sitting in the very front of the room.

Was using that example in poor taste or was I being too sensitive in that moment? I’m usually not that emotional, I truly could not stop the reaction once it started. They’ll give us a survey tomorrow when the training finishes, should I tell them to consider changing their example?

It’s a really common example of powerful storytelling using only a few words so I don’t think it’s outrageous that they used it in a work event … but their training will be stronger if they think about how things like that might affect participants, since they want people engaged with the training, not having to unexpectedly deal with intense personal feelings that they didn’t realize would be triggered today. They’ll never be able to stamp out all mention of things that might cause a strong personal reaction from someone, but I’d sure want to know how it landed with you if I’d been your trainer. So yes, go ahead and be honest on the survey. (And I’m sorry about your niece.)

3. What’s the right interviewing order to use?

When interviewing several candidates, what are your thoughts on whether the strongest candidate should be seen first, last, or in the middle? And if you were a candidate, which would you hope to be?

I don’t think it matters all that much! That said, if I were pressed to choose, when I’m hiring I’d rather have the strongest candidate at the end — because if you talk to them first, you’re measuring everyone else against them and that can lead you to overlook/dismiss other people’s strengths.

As a candidate, I don’t think there’s any point in caring. If you’re first, you can set the bar for everyone else. On the other hand, there can be power in being toward the end so you’re fresher in their minds. On yet another hand, sometimes if you’re at the end they’re already sold on someone they talked to before you and aren’t considering you as seriously. There are so many factors that can go into it, and they can change with every hiring manager and every interview process, that there’s no point in thinking about it too much.

4. Can I contact my partner’s employer to thank them for a perk?

Are there any reasons outside of emergencies where it is appropriate to contact a partner/spouse’s employer? Of course the standard answer here is no. But what if it’s to say thank you for a perk my partner received that I also benefited from?

My partner works for a company that often gets tickets to various sporting events as a perk. Think VIP passes for employees to woo clients and network, comped tickets to be enjoyed with friends and family or as a team-building activity, or tickets gifted as a bonus after a tough project or a job well done. My partner has been working on some really big projects and their director asked what he could get us tickets to to say thank you. We are fans of a notoriously expensive international sport which the director is also a fan of, so my partner asked if tickets to an event in a country we’ll be traveling to in a few months would be possible. The director was enthusiastic and not only got us tickets to the full multi-day event, but is continuing to work with his contacts to get us access to parts of the event that aren’t open to the general public. I am beyond grateful, this is a once in a lifetime experience for my partner and me, and we would have been thrilled to even have the chance to experience the event at all, let alone the (very good) tickets and extra perks that the director is working to get for us. For context, our tickets were about $1,000 USD each, and the additional experiences and access are based solely on the director’s social capital and string pulling.

I know this is a drop in the bucket compared to the kind of revenue that my partner alone generates for them, but I still feel compelled to say thank you (especially because the director included me specifically in offering tickets for the two of us)! I work at a nonprofit where this kind of thing just isn’t a thing, so I don’t have a context for this. Would a simple handwritten thank-you note for my partner to hand off next time they’re in the office together be appropriate? Or would I come off as boundary crossing or somehow too effusive? My partner is equally thrilled and has expressed their thanks via email directly, and doesn’t have much of an opinion on a proper thank you note.

Don’t do it. The director is giving those tickets to your partner as a business move, not a social one; he’s doing it to reward your partner, build their morale and make them feel appreciated, and increase their loyalty to the company. You’re benefitting from that, but it’s not a social situation. Your partner needs to be fully in charge of managing that relationship; they should certainly express appreciation, but it would be a little off to bring in a thank-you note from you.