Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker took a video call from the bathroom

I was on a call with a vendor recently with about three people from each organization. Most people had their cameras off, and after the meeting topics were covered, I began to ask some follow-up questions of the other account manager, who hadn’t been needed on the call until then.

I said his name to get his attention and started talking about future things I thought we should be planning. I noticed him turn on his camera and I commented that it was dark where he was. As I kept talking, it became clear that this person was sitting in a dark bathroom with his phone on the floor in front of him. I froze briefly but somehow managed to keep talking as he pulled up his pants, flushed the toilet, and carried his phone down the hall back to his desk.

Normally, when someone makes an embarrassing mistake, the polite thing to do is to pretend you don’t notice and move on. At some point he turned his video off, so he must have realized he had inadvertently turned it on. No one else commented. But here’s the thing — that meeting was recorded. The recording is on their system. Speaking up could save this person embarrassment or worse if one of his colleagues noticed what was happening. Should I risk making it worse by bringing it up? Leave it alone? Should I have spoken up while it was happening?

Is this a recording that anyone is likely to watch? Is it more “we just record most meetings by default but no one ever goes back and watches them” or more “a VIP wasn’t able to attend and asked us to record it and will definitely watch it”?

If it’s the former, I’d just leave it alone. The video will sit on a server for a while, and then will meet whatever lonely death greets all the other unwatched videos of corporate meetings. If it’s the latter … well, I still don’t know that you need to bother. If you’re close to the coworker, maybe. If you manage him, definitely. But otherwise, meh. (To be clear, if you were concerned this was intentional exhibitionism from your coworker, my advice would be different, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.)

But if anything similar ever happens again, ideally it’s best to speak up in the moment and say, “Hey, Karl, your camera is on — please turn it off.”

Related:
I flashed my entire team during a video call

2. Our horrible exec is the boss’s best friend — and I’m HR

When I took my job as HR director in August 2023, the leadership team seems super excited to have me join the team, but since then things have changed. The COO is the worst leader I have ever worked with and, to make matters worse, she’s the CEO’s best friend. I complained about issues with the COO to the CEO, and her resolution was to move me to report to the CFO but not give the COO any reason for making this change.

The COO isn’t stupid and I’m sure she knows I complained. She has started ignoring me and only speaks to me in situations where it’s 100% needed. She asked that I cc my supervisor on all emails I send to her, so I did this and now she circumvents me with the response and goes to my boss, who either replies to the email or talks to me. The COO is so non-responsive to everyone though, so I can look past this. She also feels she doesn’t need to be held to the same standard as other managers and directors and doesn’t meet deadlines. For example, performance reviews were due May 31. She still has not turned in any evaluations. She went to my boss and got him to push the deadline back to July, which isn’t fair to the other supervisors who completed their reviews on time or the employees who are left waiting.

Can you give me any advice on how to make things a little better and easier here? I’m starting to look for other opportunities because I feel like this will never get better. Can you provide me any kind of hope or is it useless?

It is useless. The COO is the CEO’s best friend. The situation isn’t likely to change. Your CEO has made it clear that her best friend is allowed to run roughshod over everyone else and won’t be held accountable. Meanwhile, HR can only be as good as the management above you lets you be — and you’re going to be both hamstrung by and associated with the incompetent management around you (and in many cases required to enable it too).

You could certainly try talking to the CEO again, or your own manager, but at best you’re likely to see minor changes around the edges only, not the kind of fundamental shift that’s needed. You’ve got to either accept the situation is likely to stay more or less the same, or start looking to get out.

3. Should I send an audio file when requesting an informational interview?

A friend suggested that the hot new thing is to provide an audio file with a letter to request an informational interview. The audio file (MP3) can be sent alongside the letter (PDF) or embedded in the PDF. The audio file would feature my voice and would describe the request letter with headshot. Then my voice would read the text of the letter.

Have you heard of this technique to book informational interviews? Are audio files trending or is this a bad idea?

This is not a thing. I don’t doubt that some random person out there is trying this out (because you can find random people trying out all sorts of weird stuff), but I can tell you that 99.9% of people who receive these requests won’t take the time listen to an audio file, versus just reading a letter that they can quickly skim. And it’ll look odd that you expected they’d want to. (Also, if you were going to include it — which you shouldn’t — why would the recording just be you reading the letter? For most recipients, that would move it from seeming very odd and out-of-touch to an even larger strike against your judgment.

(Also, definitely do not include a headshot.)

4. Should my company reimburse me when I tip during business trips?

I have a question about getting reimbursed for tips associated with travel costs that are otherwise getting reimbursed. I’ll be going to a conference next month as a presenter, and when I was communicating with an organizer about logistics, she let me know that I should Uber/Lyft from the airport to the hotel, and that I would be reimbursed for the trip, but “not including tip.”

I’m really unhappy about that policy, and I’m wondering if there’s any way I can push back on it? I’m also concerned about whether or not this no tip policy extends to any meals I get reimbursed during this conference. But so far I’ve been struggling to find a way to frame it that doesn’t come off as judgmental or holier-than-thou.

You absolutely should get reimbursed for reasonable tips. They’re part of the cost of business travel, and you shouldn’t be paying for business expenses yourself.

It’s in no way holier-than-thou to point that out! Talk to whoever has authority here and say, “Tipping is an expected cost of some services when traveling. I don’t think employees should have to pay out of pocket to cover those costs when we’re travel for work, so I’d like to ensure that reasonable tips can be included in my expense reimbursements.” (Also, before you have this conversation, check any written policies your organization has on expenses; it’s possible the organizer is just going rogue here.)

5. How to tell a previous applicant not to apply again

In the spring, I interviewed a woman for our summer internship. Based on her answers and attitude in the interview, I did not hire her. However, she keeps emailing to ask about fall Internships. How do I gently let her know that I am not interested in hiring her at all?

“I appreciate you taking the to meet with me earlier this year. I don’t think the fit is right for our internship program, but wish you the best of luck in your search.” It’s kinder to just tell her than to let her keep harboring hopes that she’ll be accepted this time.

If there’s some relatively easy way to explain your reason (“we look for applicants with a stronger track record of X”), you can do that but you don’t have to. You also don’t need to explain all your reasons; if one reason is skill based and the other two are attitude-based, just explain the easier first one.

Alternately, you can just point her to your fall internship application process, let her apply, and then decline her application — but with someone who’s emailing repeatedly, I’d rather just tell them.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m frustrated with my daughter’s new job

Our daughter is struggling. Her job has asked her not to come in for the rest of the month as they are “giving her time to work on herself.” She is a new employee of a brand new ice cream shop that hired 25 people to work as shift leads, managers, and worker bees. This is her first job at the age of 19. She is also a student in culinary school.

Because she is over 18, she almost exclusively works the evening close shift and seems to be scheduled for every Saturday and one other day during the week. Often the manager when she works is the same person who we are reasonably sure is related to the owners somehow.

She left early on one shift due to the smell of something they were making that made her extremely nauseous. She left right at close another time when her manager told her it was okay for her to leave since she was struggling with sore muscles and an injured wrist after wakeboarding earlier in the day. She left early in her last shift due to inexplicable loss of bladder control while washing dishes (which was mortifying and certainly not planned). On another day, she had failed to take her anxiety meds and let the owner know she was struggling to cope appropriately with stress on that occasion, but has since not had any issues with that.

She has been honest with them about her anxiety and ADHD. The employees were apparently told by the owner the first week of training to be open and honest and they would work to accommodate needs. But apparently she has had too many needs? She discovered that the two four-hour shifts she was given for this week were removed. No one spoke to her about it. She was notified in a email, but was still scheduled for two shifts next week.

She texted the owner to ask if that was done because of her most recent issue with her bladder and the owner texted her and said they don’t feel she is a team player and can be relied on. And every communication is via text, not on the phone voice to voice. Super frustrating since we all know that typed messages are often misinterpreted. She has been in tears.

I am not inclined to get involved but my mom heart hurts to watch her trying so hard to conform to what they want and getting her already fragile self-esteem thrown in the trash. I know she is not the only employee with issues and concerns. Why does it feel like she is being singled out for not being an easy employee?

This is food service; if you’re not reliably there or have to leave early a lot, it can mean they just take you off the schedule — or at least schedule you less. It sounds like she left early from four shifts at a brand new job, so it’s not surprising that they’re prioritizing scheduling other people.

I know you’re thinking these were all legitimate reasons to go home, but on their side of it, what they see is a pattern of not reliably working full shifts. Four times in a short period is a lot, regardless of the reason. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or not capable of having a job; it just means that this particular job doesn’t think they can rely on her right now.

I get that it sucks that the owner encouraged people to be open about their needs and then she was penalized for it. But it’s could be a good opportunity to talk about what that really means in a work context and how to navigate it, and what will and won’t be considered reasonable or excessive (because in very few jobs will it mean endless patience for whatever you need; it’s a balancing act that takes a while to understand when you’re new to work).

(The texting is also very normal and a thing she should expect in food service jobs; it’s faster than calling because they don’t need to wait until they can reach someone on the phone.)

2. Is this 18-month process typical to fire someone who doesn’t do their work?

I’m a director of a small group of people in a very large professional organization. My team is all remote workers, which generally works out well. I’m not a micromanager by nature, and given our remote status, I can only ascertain someone’s work by their output.

I have one employee who I know has been suffering from mental health issues. This has manifested in, as near as I can see on my end, them “checking out” and doing zero work for days at a time. Work orders would go untouched, and I would receive complaints from other leaders when their tickets had no action. People began to dread when their tickets were assigned to this person because it typically meant a slow process. I began with talking to them in our biweekly meetings and when things didn’t improve, I had to move to HR and PIPs.

I’m sympathetic to their mental health issues and offered solutions such as FMLA, PTO, and our employee health services. PTO was used here and there for some scheduled vacations but also largely on days when we had a scheduled team meeting, I think as a way to avoid me/the team. Things didn’t improve and, while I kept HR looped in every step of the way, their solution was to keep issuing PIPs, just PIP level 1, PIP level 2, PIP level 3, etc. It was ridiculous, in my opinion, and drug out for over 18 months because the employee would improve for a couple of months after receiving a PIP, and then backslide again. After PIP level 3 should have been termination. When I got to that point, I had a meeting with HR and expressed my continued concerns and thought they would support me in my desire for termination, but our HR rep wanted to know what I had done to coach and guide this person before getting to this point.

I’m kind of incredulous. I work with and hire adults. We have had numerous conversations over the past year, and at the last PIP level 3 meeting, I told the employee that this was the last step before termination. I feel like HR wants me to be a kindergarten teacher and baby everyone. I can coach someone on how to do their job better, or how to better communicate, or how to better handle a process — but coaching someone on actually coming to work every single day seems wildly out of line. Is this normal for large organizations, where it takes an act of congress to terminate someone who is quite obviously not working out?

No, it’s not normal, but you do see it in incompetently run organizations. It’s possible they’re being extra cautious with this person because of the health issues, but even accounting for that, this is a ridiculous process. PIPs don’t need three levels, and they don’t need 18 months (!). They should be a few months at most (often less, depending on the nature of the issues and the nature of the work), and they should include a clear statement that improvement must be sustained; if the problems recur, you don’t repeat the whole process.

In organizations that move as slowly as yours (or even half as slowly), it can help to ask HR at the very start of the process to lay out the process in its entirety — what will be required of you when, and what the timeline will look like. Sometimes if you know what they’ll want to see later in the process, you can work on documenting that you’ve done it early on, and that can save time and aggravation later. It’s also possible that your HR person’s inquiry into what you’ve done to coach the person up until this point doesn’t actually mean, “We’re ignoring everything that came before today and we want you to start from scratch”; it might just be a thing they’re required to document at this stage, and it’s easier to ask you than to go back through all the previous records. You should say directly, “My understanding was that having gone through 18 months of performance management and three levels of PIPs, we would terminate if improvement was not demonstrated. If that’s not the case, what exactly needs to happen between now and when we would be at that point?”

3. Can I ask an employee if they need an eye exam?

I supervise someone who is a few decades older than me. Normally this isn’t a problem for them or me, but it’s making me hesitate to bring something up. Lately they have been submitting things that look blurry or pixelated. This has happened 3-4 times across 3-4 different contexts. It’s always right on the edge, something that I think needs to be crisper and they think can pass or that they didn’t notice. It’s a low stakes issue — I just ask that the photo be swapped — but it’s enough times now that I’m wondering if they need to have their close-up vision checked. However, is that something a supervisor can even bring up? Is it something I would even think about if the person was my age, or would I assume it was just carelessness? For the record, my vision is terrible, so having my eyes checked is always top of mind for me.

Handle it way you would if they were 25, which (hopefully!) means just naming the pattern you’re seeing: “Several times recently, you’ve submitted work that’s looked blurry or pixelated. Can you look into what’s causing that, whether it’s an issue with the tools you’re using to create them or something else?”

If that doesn’t solve it, the next time it happens look at the blurry item together and ask if they can see what you’re talking about. If they can’t, the by-the-book answer is to flag for them that it’s an issue and ask them to look into tools to help them see whatever they’re producing more sharply. Maybe they’ll decide that’s glasses, maybe they’ll decide it’s a magnifier or something else — up to them.

4. Do I have to say who my competing offer is from?

This happened a few years ago, but I realized recently that I still don’t know what the right move would have been. I was interviewing and Job A made an offer. I told Job B this and asked for an update on their decision. In response, Job B asked who Job A was.

I told them. (I ultimately didn’t get an offer from B. They didn’t end up hiring anyone for that role.) I get that it’s not necessarily private or sensitive information, but it felt gauche for them to ask. Was that reaction warranted? Would it have been okay/normal to decline to tell them who the exact other offer was from? If so, what might have been reasonable wording?

I agree it’s a little gauche of them to ask, although some employers do this. They’d defend it by saying that knowing who your offer is from helps them understand if they’re likely to be able to compete with it (and they can save you both time if they know they can’t) or helps them better understand the totality of your situation and you as a candidate. But it’s really none of their business and you don’t need to disclose it if you don’t want to.

It’s fine to say, “I’d rather not share that at this point; I’m just hoping for an update on your timeline.”

Related:
what does it mean when an employer says, “let us know if you get any offers”?

5. Giving lots of advance notice of a layoff

How do you feel about giving advance notice of an impending layoff that is truly only for financial reasons? The setting in question is a small business (very small) and with some other recent income-generating-staff departures, we no longer need or can afford as much administrative support.

The administrative professional in question is amazing and I stand prepared to give a wonderful reference, but I also think she may struggle in the job market because of possibly encountering bias (she is a visible minority, and I think unfortunately may be subject to discrimination). So I want to give her as much lead time as possible to begin seeking new employment.

How long is too long? Can I tell her 3+ months in advance, “In the fall our budget will be tighter and we may not have room for your position,” thus essentially asking her to begin looking for work? Or should I limit it to a shorter time period such as 4-6 weeks? I truly want the best for her and am heartbroken that I am having to make this decision.

It’s true that much of the conventional wisdom around layoffs says to avoid much/any notice (and to instead offer severance in lieu of notice) because otherwise you open yourself up to sabotage from bitter soon-to-be-former employees, or people slacking off and barely working or affecting the morale of other people. But that’s not your situation! This is a small business, you describe the employee as amazing, and it doesn’t sound like you have reason to be worried about any of those things.

So give her as much notice as you can. Also, if you’re sure you will be laying her off in the fall, don’t say you “may not” be able to keep her. Be clear and direct and tell her that you will need to cut her position then so that she’s very clear on what will be happening. Otherwise, she may not move as quickly or aggressively in a job search, thinking that she might be kept on.

Let her know that it’s purely a financial decision and has nothing to do with her work, she’s great, and you’ll give her a glowing reference as she’s searching. Also, if you can use your network to try to help, do! It’s tough to find really great admin support, and you might be able to make someone in your network very happy by connecting them.