Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our agency flexed its own policy to hire a sex offender

I work for a government agency and a new hire in our group took a while to pass their background check. Living in an open records state, it’s easy to find someone with a unique name. Six years ago, this man (29 years old at the time) was busted in a police sting trying to solicit sex with a 15-year-old using a popular app. No contact was actually made (since there was no real child involved), but he was charged with sending explicit photos and communications with a minor. He completed his probation, which changed his record from felony to misdemeanor.

I can see all the court docs, and his defense was that he thought this person was 16 (our state’s age of consent) and that he did nothing wrong. The documents clearly show age was discussed in detail and he knew the boy was 15. He resisted the court ordered sexual eval and treatment, and claimed several other reasons he was innocent. He was forced to attend treatment and completed his probation and monitoring.

Our org has a policy that any crime against people in the last seven years should disqualify an applicant, even a misdemeanor. So I’m shocked this made it past HR. I don’t know if our director is aware or if this stopped at HR. I know if I ask HR, they aren’t going to tell me anything. Technically he completed his treatment, but crimes against kids crosses the line for me. One other staff member was with me when we figured this out, but otherwise I’m not aware that anyone else knows. Is there any way for me to question this hire and how he passed the background check?

No, because it’s not your job to question him (and what could you do with the answer in any case?). Since you know he did get background checked, presumably your employer is aware of the conviction. I agree with you 100% about the nature of this crime and I wouldn’t want to work with this guy either, but you really don’t have the standing to question him. That said, you could approach your manager and/or HR with your concerns that the organization appears to have bent its policy for a sex offender.

2. Managing an employee with severe anxiety

How would you suggest handling a direct report with severe anxiety to the point that they in physical distress over looming tasks? That kind of anxiety is something I have a little experience with and have found my own techniques for dealing with (knowing they aren’t one-size-fits-all) … which I can’t help but offer while also pushing for therapy via our EAP. How long do I give them to work on it versus how much do I pry to confirm they are trying things? It’s affecting their sleep (and therefore work), their primary doctor still hasn’t nailed everything down with effective treatments, and at least one treatment attempt involved “don’t operate heavy machinery” level of painkillers. We’re in a regulated industry doing risk reviews so that starts to get hairy that I must review it all. They aren’t up to speed four months into their hire, but I own some of that blame as a relatively new manager while they are remote.

You can suggest working with the EAP and you can maybe offer some low-key suggestions of stress reduction techniques, but beyond that this is theirs to manage. It would be overstepping to push for therapy or any kind of specific treatment, or to try to confirm they’re working on it. Let them know what the job expectations are and let them know if they’re not meeting those, and if their anxiety is disruptive to colleagues, address that … but you sound like you’re getting pretty close to overstepping (or maybe have already).

If you feel like you’ve fallen down on your side of things as a manager, work on remedying that. If it’s not feasible for you to keep reviewing everything, let them know that, and let them know what you need to see from them in order to be able to back off from that and when that needs to happen by, and ask what they need from you to work toward that goal. But their mental health is theirs to manage. Your involvement needs to stay confined to managing their work performance, and those are two very different things.

3. Being called a “mom” professionally

I saw the letters you posted about being referred to as a “work mom” or “office mom” and something similar happened to me but outside of an office setting, and I don’t know how to address it or if I even can.

I run professional events for widget makers (events like talks and panels and networking) which I’ve been doing for years. I’ve connected a lot of people professionally with my events, and I platform local widget makers and give many people their first public speaking opportunities. Some events are about early-career stuff and some are about getting better at our craft which attracts mid-level and senior folks. People pay to attend these events and buy other stuff from me. This is a business I’ve built up over the years and it’s a well-known part of the community. It’s a side-hustle to my full time work, where I’m a senior widget maker myself.

I was talking to somebody (another widget maker) who’s attended a lot of my events. They said they and friends of theirs were jokingly (and endearingly) calling me “widget mom”, because I help so many people with what I do (for what it’s worth, both of us are women in our 30s but I’m a bit older).

I understand how nice this is supposed to be! But I was really bothered by the name, though I didn’t say anything. I’m a professional widget maker too, I’ve been doing this for 15 years, and I thought I was known for my own experience and skill. But being called “widget mom” sounds like my business is some friendly, mothering thing I do out of the goodness of my heart… when I’m selling my own expertise and knowledge in an explicitly professional context (albeit in a relaxed and friendly way). How many moms charge a fee to speak with them?

Maybe I’m taking the “mother” part too literally, but it feels at odds with how I see myself and how I want to be perceived, which is as a widget maker and entrepreneur. It feels dismissive of my many years in the field, like I’m only being recognized for what I do for others, and not the widget-making work I do myself and the business I run based on that.

Am I taking this too seriously, or being insecure? Was it just a compliment that was meant well, and I should be flattered? Since I don’t actually work with these people but see them in professional (yet relaxed) contexts, is there any way I can address it or should I leave it alone and let them think what they want?

It can be something that was meant well while still being a problem! It’s reasonable to take issue with it. It matters that men are businessmen while women doing the same thing get labeled “moms.” (I’m sure no one is calling your male colleagues “widget dad.”)

You could say this next time you talk to that person: “By the way, I was thinking about what you said about people calling me ‘widget mom.’ I appreciate that it’s well-intended, but I always think that kind of label devalues women as businesspeople. I’d be grateful if you shut it down.”

4. Employee keeps texting to say he’s sick but still coming in

I have an employee who is young and new to the professional world. His work product is great, but his work ethic is questionable. I can chalk all of it up to maturity level, and overall everything is fine. That said, there is one thing he does that I don’t like, and I’m not sure how to word the conversation.

A handful of times, he has texted me to tell me he is sick but still coming in to work. This morning, I got a detailed text about his ailments, which ended with, “I’m still coming in, but wanted you to know if I seem a little off.” I texted back and told him not to come into the office. He didn’t. But this same thing happened a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want to use his sick leave. His claim is that he didn’t call in, was totally willing to come in, and I told him not to, so he shouldn’t have to take the sick day.

That’s bananapants, right? We’re a small office, and when one person comes in sick, it’s like a domino effect (and then I end up working tons extra, even if I, too, get sick). I want to tell him that if he is texting me to tell me he is puking or running a fever, but is coming in and “may seem a little off,” just to go on and call in sick and not leave the decision for me. Can I do that? We get plenty of days per year, and they don’t roll over or get paid out, so I’m not sure why he isn’t taking them.

Yes, you can do that. The wording you want is: “If you are throwing up, running a fever, or otherwise sick, you need to stay home and use sick leave. In addition to it being the right thing for your own health, I don’t want you to risk infecting other people by coming in. This isn’t negotiable; you can’t put other people’s health at risk.”

You might also ask if he’s concerned about running out of sick time; even though you think it shouldn’t be the case, it’s worth asking since you never know if there’s a concern like that underlying his actions. (If there is, the answer still won’t be “come in while vomiting,” but it’s useful to know if there’s something a concern you need to help him figure out how to address.)

Related:
my employee keeps coming to work sick

5. Talking about success stories as a tutor

I work as a private tutor in math and science. My name is on a tutor list for a local high school, so I get jobs from them, as well as getting referrals from former students and their parents. Something happened last week that has never happened before: a job interview! In person, I met with the mother and the aunt at the library (in a reserved room, so we could speak freely).

She asked me reasonable questions: about my methods, like did I have a curriculum (no, I would prefer to help with homework and current classwork and answer old questions and topics as needed) and did I work with teachers (almost never).

Then she asked me a stumper: did I have any success stories? I was taken aback. It was a good question once I gave it some thought, but I tried to convey to the mother that I was much more concerned with my relationship with the student than with their scores or grades. I sought to be a cheerleader and confidence builder, never another source of stress or pressure. I also had to answer some other valid question about how I would know if the student could do the work on their own without me next to them, but that question I felt like I could answer since I usually probed for understanding at the beginning and end of a session.

I think my actual question is about how I can build a useful response to the concerns of a parent about my qualifications. I almost never find out what happens at the end of the school year, and I can’t predict from year to year if I will even see the student again.

Yeah, if I were hiring a tutor for my kid, I’d be glad that you saw yourself as a cheerleader and confidence builder, but I’d also expect the primary goal to be ensuring my kid improved their skills and understanding of the material. If that’s not your philosophy, it’s good to talk that through before deciding to work together. But you also say that you check for understanding at the beginning and end of sessions, so it sounds to me like you do both; you just haven’t figured out how to describe that piece of it.

I suspect you do have success stories like that if you think about it, though! Have you seen kids gain in understanding and confidence and improve their grades through their work with you? Have you worked with kids who struggled with X when your work started but were able to do problems centering around X successfully by the end of your time together? Those are the sorts of success stories parents are looking for. You don’t need to produce test results, but you do want to talk about what the outcomes of your work will be/usually are.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I have to go to more company social events when last year’s Christmas party went badly?

Last year, I started a new job the week of Thanksgiving. Three weeks later, my office had a Christmas sweater day (we normally wear jeans and hoodies) and a company Christmas party that night. For the party, I got the Outlook invite with the time and address, and nothing else included.

I showed up to the party still in jeans and my Christmas sweater, and it ended up being a cocktail party with everyone in suits and dresses. My new boss saw me immediately and called me over with my new director. They were both like, “Oh yeah, I guess the dress code wasn’t communicated, huh?” and told me not to worry about being so underdressed since I was clearly uncomfortable. I figured I would stick to the few people I already met, and then leave.

Well, unfortunately for me, the company director decided to assign random seats at tables so we would talk to people we wouldn’t normally sit with. So I was going to meet my new coworkers for the first time in jeans at a cocktail party. I went over to my table and it was already full. I was put as the ninth person at an eight-person table. So I was just standing around lost in jeans, and my new director came over and said, “You can have my seat.” So I ended up sitting at a table meeting all the directors and top level people while still in jeans. I made it through dinner, barely, and just ran out while my boss and the director were distracted.

The worst part? This happened in previous years to other people, and no one has figured out how to advertise the dress code!

I realize a lot of this was my own nerves, but it was a terrible way to meet my new coworkers and I doubt I made a good first impression. My dad said I should tell them, “I want to be a team player and attend events, but I can’t when expectations aren’t communicated.” My friends said I just should not have shown up the next Monday and ghosted the job. I continued to show up and haven’t mentioned it. No one else did either.

Our company has had several more social events, and I didn’t go to the majority. I went to a baseball game, but there were three other events that I made excuses to avoid.

Now the Christmas party is coming again. We were acquired, so it’s supposedly more casual this year. However, I still have no interest in going, now or ever again. Am I obligated to go to these when they are so poorly planned and communicated? Should I mention something about clearly stating the dress code and making sure everyone has a seat to save other new hires from my fate?

This is not the big deal it’s become to you, and everyone advising you is overreacting! Yes, it’s uncomfortable to be underdressed (especially as the new person who doesn’t know anyone) and yes, it was thoughtless of your manager not to ensure you knew the dress code and had seating, but it was your manager who should have been embarrassed about that, not you! You didn’t do anything wrong. (And the fact that it has happened to other people, while ridiculous, makes it all the more likely everyone else completely understood why you were in jeans.) This was a mildly awkward thing, but it’s not something that should make you swear off company events forever.

Your dad’s advice treated this as far weightier than it needs to be. Your friends’ advice to ghost the job because of this was preposterous; don’t listen to those friends on anything work-related for at least five years.

You’re not obligated to go to this year’s party, but I think your reasons for wanting to skip it aren’t well-founded. (Plus, making an appearance at an annual work event, even if just an hour or two, can be good for your career, and going might help override the last one in your mind, where it’s currently taking up too much space.) And yes, remind the organizers to make sure everyone knows the dress code and has a seat this year; you can cite your experience last year as a reason for that if you want, but don’t make it a bigger deal than that.

2. What does “parking is provided” really mean?

I know this is very low-stakes, but this is something that drove me bonkers at a previous job, so I want to understand if I was being oversensitive. I got a job at a company where “parking is provided” was one of the benefits they touted. What that meant, however, was that they’d give you a permit that allows you to park on the street in this particular busy, urban neighborhood. However, everything beyond that was up to you. You had to find a spot, which in this case meant you could easily be driving around for 20+ minutes, looking. And you still had to follow the posted signs, which meant moving your car every 2-4 hours.

After one infuriating bout of circling in a multiblock radius with no spots available, I laughingly said to a colleague, “Yeah, parking is provided. The same way they’ve also provided oxygen for us to breathe.” She looked at me like I was nuts, and reiterated, “Parking is provided.”

So what say you? Was parking provided?

“Parking is provided” means parking will be available to you, and this was not that. They should have said, “Street parking passes are provided.”

In fact, your oxygen analogy was too generous, unless the oxygen was within an underground mine where you had to compete with other people to access it.

3. What to do with stuff from a previous job in my personal Google Drive

I was in an internship a while back and (stupidly) used my personal Google Docs for all the copywriting for blog posts that my previous employer used. They were shared to a group file (and as far as I know, published to the company blog). I would like to clean out my old documents and delete things because I am running out of space on my Google Drive, but I’m curious what I should do regarding these.

Put them all in a Google Drive folder and share it with your contact at the old internship. Say something like, “I’m not sure if you have copies of these or if you need them. I’m planning to remove them from my Google Drive on (date) so wanted to make sure you can download them before then if you do need copies.” Make the date a month from now so they have time to deal with it.

4. Companies that let you buy and sell PTO

It’s open enrollment season and one of the great benefits my employer offers is a program to buy or sell a portion of your PTO (buy being take a pay reduction in return for more PTO and sell being get paid more for having fewer days of PTO). I think this is a great idea! I’m in a season of my life where I’d like more PTO available (doesn’t rise to FMLA stuff, just general life stuff) and I know some folks don’t want as much time (there’s a limit to what you can sell back so no one is working with no time off all year). It gives people flexibility while keeping a standard (and not veering into the nebulous world of “unlimited” PTO) and not costing the company. Why don’t more companies do this? I have occasionally looked at other jobs, but this particular benefit seems rare (or at least not widely advertised).

My guess is that more companies don’t do it because typically when you design the workload for a full-time job, you need to be able to assume that someone will be working in it X weeks of the year; in a lot of jobs, having someone decide to add additional weeks off can cause real workflow issues. Conversely, good managers really do want people to disconnect and go away for a certain amount of time every year, so that they can recharge and not burn out, and also so that your team can spot holes that are sometimes only seen when someone is away. I know you said you’re required to keep a minimum amount of time, but the bare minimum doesn’t serve that purpose as well.

You’re not wrong that this set-up can be great for individual people in certain situations — and there are some companies where the nature of the work allows them to offer it across the board — but it can be tricky when you’re dealing with the broad variety of roles that many companies have.

5. Can employer pay me less because my health insurance costs more?

Landed a new job after a layoff (woo hoo!). My now boss made a comment that got me thinking.

During negotiations, two things came up. First, I wanted immediate access to the 401K and more PTO. The CEO was okay with that, but mentioned they’d have to offer it to the other employee (there’s a total of three of us on staff, including the CEO). That was fine by me, and since I got it, I’m assuming the other employee will get the same, though I don’t actually know — we’re totally remote and mostly async.

The second was health insurance. He mentioned that the cost to insure me is about $10,000 but closer to $6,000 total for him and the other employee. I’m assuming that’s because I’m over 50 and they … aren’t.

The CEO said he didn’t want to “discriminate,” but since my health insurance costs more, he couldn’t come up on salary. However, between the health insurance costs and salary, total compensation is X, which is about the total dollar figure I was looking for in salary.

What I’m wondering is can an employer pay someone less salary if their total compensation is equal to other employees’ total compensation? To be clear, he was transparent about the salary throughout the process, so I don’t feel like this was a bait and switch and I did get the posted max.

Yes, health insurance premiums are based on age, so what he’s saying is that your health insurance costs more because you’re older and therefore he can’t offer the salary bump he’d otherwise be open to … which is a really legally iffy thing to say! You noted that the overall compensation costs even out, but while you’d need an employment lawyer to tell you for sure if that changes anything, as a general rule you can’t base salary on age.

That said, because this is a three-person company, it might be moot. The federal law that prohibits age discrimination in employment only applies to employers with 20 employees or more. Some states have a lower threshold, though, so you’d need to check if your state is among them to know for sure.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager wants to dumb down my writing

After a long stint in academia, I took a position with a state workforce agency two years ago. While I still teach adjunct at the university and maintain a “collegiate vocabulary,” I am far from inaccessible when it comes to communication and linguistic style choices. My main role in government focuses on writing grant applications, contracts, policy, and codified law.

However, a chief complaint of my direct manager (it’s even on my formal “improvement plan”) is to use plain English, as large words intimidate and confuse her. Recently, when tasked to write a brief for our governor (!!!) she said she wanted to run it through Chat GPT or AI to “dumb it down for them.” This is only one of many times she’s noted needing to run my writing through an AI tool to “reword it” for clarity. I pride myself on clear writing, have ghostwritten for published authors, and pride myself on my written communication skills. Am I off-base to be offended? Is academia-level written communication out of touch? Is use of an AI tool at the state government level an insult to me and my understanding of “voice” and interpretation of “audience”? Or is this the new standard and I need to make my peace with it?

Yes, academic writing is often out-of-sync with writing for other professional contexts.

I can’t speak to your writing specifically, but I can tell you that a lot of people from academia write in a much denser way than is suitable for other contexts, and it can be a real slog to read them, let alone edit them. When your manager talks about “dumbing things down,” she doesn’t necessarily mean that she thinks you should speak to your audience as if they are dumb; it’s shorthand for, “Write in plainer, simpler language because it’s faster and more pleasant for most people to read” and also, “You are not writing in our organization’s voice, and you need to.” That’s very reasonable feedback, and if that’s what she means it wouldn’t be about large words intimidating or confusing her; it would be her telling you that your writing doesn’t meet the standards needed to do your job successfully.

There’s no point in being insulted by that; different jobs require different writing approaches, and academic writing won’t be right for most contexts outside of academia. Especially if you’re on a formal improvement plan that mentions this, you should take that feedback very seriously.

2. Am I obligated to tell my job-hunting relative that he stinks?

I think I know the answer here, but it is a sensitive situation. My spouse and I spend a lot of time with their brother, and we both have noticed that he has really strong body odor.

So far, we have opted to ignore this fact. He’s going through a rough transition personally, and is a very considerate person, and I think would be bothered to hear about his smell. At the same time, we both wonder, how can he NOT know?

He is currently job-hunting, and I worry that when he gets to the in-person interview stage, the fact that he stinks will certainly hurt his chances of getting the job. Should one of us say something? And if so, how would you suggest broaching the subject?

Please say something. It’s very likely to hurt his chances and while it may be momentarily embarrassing to hear that he smells, he’s far better off hearing it from someone who loves him and wants to help than to remain oblivious. (This assumes you think he is oblivious, of course, and it’s not a medical thing he can’t help.)

It should probably come from your spouse since they’re the relative — although if you’re closer to the brother than your spouse is, that could mean you’re a better choice; it just really depends on the dynamics of each relationship. So does what to say — in some sibling relationships, a casual “bro, you smell — you need to hit the shower or do some laundry or something” would be completely fine and even easier to hear than a more delicate approach. Other people would be mortified by that and would prefer something more tactful and framed as, “I feel awkward mentioning this but I’d want you to tell me.” Because these are personal relationships and not work ones, it’s so, so relationship-dependent. (If it were my sister, I’d just be like “hey, you smell weird” — bluntness is a family value for us — but if I were worried it was tied to depression or similar, I’d frame it more sensitively.)

One tip though —sometimes odor really is a laundry issue (they’re not washing their clothes enough or they’re not fully drying them so they’re getting mildewed) and that can be a less embarrassing framework to use, whether or not it’s the actual explanation for what’s happening.

Related:
how to talk to an employee about body odor (and the update)
my coworker told me I smell

3. Accommodations for defiance at work

Years ago, I taught a student who had a 504 plan for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This was the only time I’ve seen that diagnosis for a student at the public high school I teach at. The vast majority of the time, 504 plans are for students with ADHD or an anxiety disorder and include the directives for their accommodations, like extended time taking a test.

This student, “Mary,” had the accommodation to take a pause and regroup before choosing whether or not she wanted to complete the task given. In practice, this meant that Mary ignored me anytime I gave the class instructions. She refused to take part in group activities and projects. She spent 90% of class with headphones on, watching YouTube videos of cooking shows on her laptop. I was frustrated for most of the year with Mary until finally leaving her alone and not even trying to engage. In the end, Mary scored a 4 on the AP exam in my class.

I don’t know if Mary went on to college, but she’s at the age now where she would be likely graduating. My question is, how in the world can someone with ODD have any sort of reasonable accommodation in the workplace? I am so curious how anyone with certain types of behavior disorders can function in a workplace. Do they just have to work for themselves? I cannot imagine a boss allowing their employee to ignore them and decide not to do work without getting fired.

To be clear, I fully support the right/importance for accommodations for those with the need for it. I just think of Mary every once in a while and am truly wondering how one exists within our societal workplace norms with a disorder that means you have a pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior.

The types of accommodations that are reasonable in school aren’t always the same as the accommodations that are reasonable at work. At school, accommodations are geared toward allowing students to participate and learn. At work, accommodations are about helping them perform the essential functions of the position, and if they can’t do that even with accommodations employers aren’t required to hire or keep them on.

Ignoring instructions, refusing to take part in projects, and watching YouTube 90% of the day wouldn’t be considered reasonable accommodations for a job. So yes, people who struggle with oppositional defiance often do have trouble holding down jobs.

For what it’s worth, though, ODD is a controversial diagnosis and is often criticized as pathologizing normal child/adolescent behavior and/or trauma responses. You see it a lot in foster care, where kids’ response to traumatic circumstances is pathologized and they get slapped with that (extremely stigmatizing) label.

4. How to contact someone’s boss in an emergency

I was recently in a work meeting where I found out that a few years ago, one of my coworkers went into a coma for a month!

It got me thinking … I know in past letters, you’ve made it very clear that the only time a parent, spouse, etc. should contact someone’s boss on their behalf is in emergency situations where the employee would not be able to do so on their own. But how would that even work? It’s not as though I have my husband’s manager’s contact information (or even know their full name) and have no idea how I would get in touch with them to let them know if there was a medical emergency. In my coworker’s case, how on earth did my company learn what had happened?!

Sharing my manager’s contact info with my husband “just in case” feels like overkill. But on the other hand, there is no other way for him to know how to contact my manager. Am I overthinking this?

I don’t know why this question has stuck in my brain, but I’m curious to know how these things actually play out and what you’d recommend.

It’s not overkill to give your manager’s contact info to your spouse! It could save time and hassle if you’re ever in a situation where you need him to contact your employer.

In cases where people haven’t done that and the spouse can’t get the info from the incapacitated partner, usually they’re stuck calling the company’s main number and trying to track down the right person to talk to. At big companies that can be a major undertaking, and it’s much easier if they just have direct contact info.

5. Should I tell job candidates I’m going on maternity leave right after they start?

I manage a team at a small (100-person) company in the U.S. We’re lucky to have a generous parental leave policy (four months) and family friendly environment: lots of parents work at the company, including my own boss and two of my six teammates. I’m actively looking to hire for my team, and I have a couple great people in the pipeline. I’m also six months pregnant, and will be going on leave in about three months.

When giving a candidate an offer, should I let them know that the manager of the team they’re joining will be taking parental leave soon? Selfishly, I want them to join regardless, and I’ll be back! But from their side, would it be frustrating or feel like a bait-and-switch to learn about your manager being gone for a few months so soon after you start? We have a coverage plan in place, so they’ll have another manager during my leave, and I don’t think it’s legally required, but what’s your general advice for doing right by candidates?

Yes, let them know. Very few people will turn down an offer over that, but a lot of people would feel blindsided if they didn’t learn about it until after they started. You don’t have to let them know ahead of time, but most people will appreciate it as a courtesy.

Ideally you’d also let them know how it will affect them — who’d they be reporting to and what the plan will be for supporting them while you’re away.