Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should you get fired for (even really bad) behavior at a football game?

I’m a big football fan and a feminist and civil liberties advocate. So I am really struggling with the question of a fan at the Eagles-Green Bay Wild Card game. He is on someone’s cell phone video (which of course was posted on social media) yelling misogynistic insults at a woman from the opposing fan base.

The team banned him from coming to future games, a sanction I support (this was beyond the usual jawboning at high-stakes games). But people online also tracked down where he worked and called for him to be dealt with at work. He lost his job (I read).

I wonder if this is just … too much. On the one hand, I can see a company not wanting to be associated with someone who became so notorious for his behavior. But it was not at work, not between coworkers. Before social media, his workplace might never have known about this.

On an emotional level, part of me thinks — good! This is what you get! But it also seems like a pretty big punishment for bad behavior not related to work or happening anywhere near the workplace. I always hated the term “canceled,” since I think it was used to describe situations where people were rightly called out for bad behavior or racist/misogynistic comments in public. But I also chafe at the idea that someone’s entire life falls apart because of behavior outside of work. What do you think? Did management do the right thing?

Well, this wasn’t a guy just being high-spirited in a moment of competition! He yelled really offensive insults at a woman and repeatedly insulted her looks simply because she was cheering for the opposing team … and he worked for a consulting firm that promotes themselves as being “DEI champions.” If I imagine hiring that consulting firm and then seeing that guy walk in to run my project, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that his company chose to part ways with him.

I do think there’s nuance here. If it hadn’t been recorded and gone viral and his firm only knew about because, for example, a colleague was at the game and told them about it, they’d probably have been less likely to fire him. But it did go viral, which makes the reputational hit to the firm a bigger risk (again, imagine hiring that company and he’s the guy they send, or imagine simply being his female coworker) … and there’s also something more viscerally upsetting about seeing a video of that behavior than just hearing about it secondhand.

I don’t think his company was out of line.

2. Can I tell my employee about a charity raffle I know he’d be interested in?

I’m grand-boss to a fantastic employee who travels extensively, including Disney multiple times a year. He mentioned that one of his bucket-list items is to spend a night in the suite in Cinderella’s castle. (That’s the one that can’t be bought, not for any amount of money). The only way I know to get a stay there is by winning it in a charity raffle for an organization I love; it’s a special resort near Disney just for terminally ill kids and their families, like mine, and we made many happy memories there. They just opened up this year’s raffle ($10 per ticket). I’d feel icky not giving him the chance to do something he’s dreamed of, but is it out of line for me to send him the info, since this is a charity I’ve personally benefited from? If it makes any difference, he’s financially comfortable.

Send him the info! Just saying “I know you’ve mentioned you’d love to do this and as far as I know this is the only way, so I thought you might be interested” isn’t inappropriate pressure. He can enter or not and doesn’t even need to tell you what he decides.

3. I’m worried that my boss and HR are laying a paper trail to fire me

Yesterday, I got a call from the HR manager asking if I could meet with her and my boss near the end of the day. They raised issues about my performance, pointing out a few mistakes I’ve made in the last year, and asked me what they could do to help me. But when I had a suggestion (tell me when a task is given to me if it’s high priority/to be done immediately), it was shot down. (They didn’t really give a reason. They just said that I had to be more proactive and ask for that info myself.) I was caught off-guard by the entire thing and couldn’t muster any thoughts in the moment. A follow-up meeting has been promised but not scheduled. I also sent an email around just to have a record of what I was asked to do specifically, and the response was very general “improve your performance” stuff.

I am terrified. This does not feel like a good-faith effort to improve my performance, it feels like laying the groundwork to fire me. I have never gotten a performance review in the six years I’ve worked here and only the most minimal feedback, so I had no idea I was on thin ice. About eight months ago, I went to HR about how I was being bullied by a more favored / trusted / influential employee, when it finally got to the point where my mental health was badly suffering from it, and I felt taken seriously at the time but I never heard anything else about it, and now I feel like this may be retaliation.

The sensible response would be to leave this toxic environment, but unfortunately it’s extremely hard to get a job in my industry: it took me two years of trying just to get this one. I’m worried that if I leave for something generic to tide me over, I’ll be kissing my career goodbye. Do you have any advice for me? Am I possibly making a mountain out of a molehill?

You should take it seriously. It doesn’t mean they’re necessarily preparing to fire you, but they could be.

Do you know anything about how your company normally handles terminations, like whether they commit to following a process of formal warnings first or whether it can be more out-of-the-blue? That info can inform your thinking. Meanwhile, though, go back to your boss, let her know that you’re taking the conversation seriously and plan to do XYZ to improve, and tell her you’d appreciate any other feedback or guidance she can offer. (And yes, they should tell you when a task is high-priority, but since they’re telling you to ask for that yourself, be vigilant about asking for it.)

Beyond that, it would be smart to job-search — not because you’ll necessarily need it, and you don’t need to take a new job just because it’s offered to you, but if you’re concerned, you should start laying the groundwork to move on in case you end up having to. (I know it being hard to find a job in your field feels like a reason not to go that route, but that’s actually more of a reason to start now so you’re not starting from scratch later.)

4. Employer said I retired, but I quit because I’m frustrated

I founded a nonprofit organization over 30 years ago, and for many years was the sole employee. The organization has always had a board of directors that participated in strategic planning and volunteering for the organization. Over the years, the organization grew, and now I am one of five employees.

Last year I went through a period of ill health; I cut back my hours and suggested a reduction in my pay to the board, which they agreed to. While I was recuperating, the board made some major changes to how we operate, which have raised costs and diminished the organization’s income. As a result, the organization is struggling to meet payroll, and the board informed me that they are cutting my salary again, by quite a lot. I wasn’t happy with this and turned in my resignation.

The board has just sent out a communication to all our members telling everyone that I have retired. I did not retire! I resigned because I am frustrated with the board’s direction and very unhappy with my salary situation. I am planning some new projects in the same line of work and don’t want potential new clients assuming I’ve stepped out of the working world entirely. Should I try to get the board to put out a correction? Am I making too big a deal about this?

I’d be pretty annoyed by that, particularly since I’d assume they framed it as a retirement because that looks better for them. That said, it’s probably not going to have a major impact on your ability to attract clients afterwards, particularly if you’re planning on approaching clients to pitch your work (which will make it very clear you didn’t retire).

Still, though, at a minimum you can ask the board why they misrepresented your departure and, depending on how you feel about their answer, you could in theory ask them to set the record straight in their next membership communication. (A special communication just for this would be overkill, but they could correct the info in whatever they happen to be sending out next.)

5. Can I advocate for myself during layoffs?

I’m not a federal worker, but I work in a field that is adjacent to the feds and my org has experienced a devastating financial impact from the executive orders issued over the past couple of weeks. We’ve been told this week that our division needs to reduce its budget by one-third as soon as possible; this means laying off roughly one-third of our staff, since we have few other programmatic expenses.

Right now my division is organized into teams of specialists, and my specialty is research. However, the extreme nature of our upcoming layoffs likely means that staff who are left will need to wear a few different hats, rather than be specialists. They will also understandably want to prioritize roles that are revenue-producing, and mine is not.

Compounding this is that I’ve only been with this org for about two years and just came back from a three-month maternity leave. But, because I worked in education and academia before this role, I actually have experience (and I would argue, strong skills) in many of the other specialized areas of my division — I’ve had those roles before! Many other colleagues have a 5+ year history here, including through other reorganizations, so I think their varied skill set is better known than mine.

Given that, I’m wondering how directly I could raise this point about my past experiences to my manager in the hopes of making the case for keeping me on in some modified role. They may not need a full-time researcher anymore, but I could easily split my time between that and other roles which do produce more revenue for the org. Is there any chance of this working?

I am applying for new roles, of course, but given that this is a sector-wide crisis, I don’t expect to have any job offers in hand when the layoffs happen in the next few weeks, and I strongly suspect (because the EOs have practically eliminated our org’s cash flow for the moment) that we won’t get any severance either. As a new mom, I’m just trying to find some way to keep an income and health insurance for me and my kid, but I also want to keep a good relationship with my peers and managers (for references, job hunting, etc.) and don’t want to stray too far outside professional norms in how I advocate for myself.

You absolutely should let your manager know what you’d be capable of doing, and up for doing! If it’s easy to meet with her in the next day or two, do it that way, but otherwise email since it’s time-sensitive. Frame it as, “I know we’re looking at a significant reorganization and a lot of roles will need to be combined, so I wanted to highlight my past experience with XYZ. (Be detailed here.) I’d be happy to take on responsibilities in any of those areas in addition to what I’m doing now.”

Obviously your motivation is to find a way to stay on, but you’re also presenting her with a potential solution to a business problem and providing relevant info so it’s not overstepping at all.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I’m supposed to live with my boss and her husband for months

I have been working at my company for two years, and I get along well with my boss, who is a woman in her early thirties. Her husband also works for the same startup and we are all on a work trip together for a few months in a foreign country. The company is providing community housing (with private beds and bathrooms) for commuting workers that holds about 10 people, and a few two-bedroom condos.

Before we arrived, my boss, her husband, my coworker, and I were under the impression that we would be the four people filling the two condos — me and my coworker in one, my boss and her husband in the other. When my coworker arrived, she was taken to the community housing and given a room, and when we arrived, my boss and her husband were moved into one bedroom of an apartment and I was moved into the other bedroom of the same apartment. When I asked if my coworker and I were going to move into the other condo once it became available in a few days, I was told no.

I brought up the problem to my boss’ boss and said that I am concerned about living with my boss and her husband for the next three months, but for the short term it is not a problem. He said that it’s a valid concern, and that he would work on it and that I should suck it up for about a week.

About a week has passed, and my coworker who I originally was going to live with has expressed her preference for staying where she is because she is already settled in, and I was informed by my boss that I am to keep living with her and her husband for the foreseeable future. This is so my boss’ boss and another male coworker can live in the other apartment and my coworker can stay where she is.

I am quite uncomfortable with this situation and have expressed this to my boss, my boss’ boss, and the person in charge of housing, and I am not sure what to do next. I am excited about this job and really enjoy working with my team, but working 72 hours a week with my boss and her husband and then going home with them is just a bit too weird for me. Any advice?

How firmly have you told your boss’s boss and the person in charge of housing that this won’t work for you? This isn’t less-than-ideal housing for a couple of nights in an emergency; this is three months of your life outside of work, and they almost certainly have other solutions available if you make it clear that the current plan is a no-go for you. If, out of a desire to be flexible and not demanding or to seem like a team player, you’ve been anything less than than crystal clear that this is a no for you, it’s time now to get much more emphatic.

Talk to your boss’s boss again, state firmly that you’re not on board with this, and say you need to make arrangements to move, whether to the community housing where your coworker is or somewhere else. For example: “I was willing to do it for a week like you asked, but I’m not comfortable with this for longer than that. I’d like to move to the community housing where Jane is or, if that’s not possible, to a hotel or other solution.” If you get any pushback: “Given the length of the trip, it’s really not feasible and I wouldn’t have signed on for it under these conditions. I can take the lead on finding a place to move if that’s the fastest way to handle it.”

2. My bad coworker is finally leaving … should I stay?

I’ve had issues with my underperforming coworker, Sanford, as long as I’ve been with my small nonprofit. From missing agreed-upon deadlines 90% of the time, to saying misogynistic things to coworkers in meetings (he singles out our foreign-born female coworkers — never the males — to repeat things back to him, to make sure they understood it, despite them being fluent in English and just being one of the people listening in a group meeting), he has been a “missing stair” in our organization for years. Despite this, our CEO saw it fit to create a completely new director-level position for him, promoting him by two levels and firmly setting a ceiling on my career path within the organization, as his new role took parts of what I would do at that level.

Despite all the flexibility, raises, and promotions he’s received despite his skills and work ethic (or lack thereof), Sanford has landed another role outside of the organization and is leaving. Many of us are celebrating, but I’m left in a tricky situation. I’d also planned on leaving, in large part due to being tired of cleaning up after Sanford, but now my path for growth seems to have opened up.

Do I stick around and see if Sanford’s absence helps make my job easier and clears the way for my career growth, or do I continue to pursue other opportunities? I am in the final stages of interviewing at several other companies that would pay me substantially more than what I make in my current role.

Keep pursuing those other opportunities. Sanford is leaving because he got another job, not because your organization decided to deal with him (in fact, the opposite — they promoted him) so if you stay, you’re staying at an organization that not only accommodates Sanfords, but rewards and tries to retain them. They didn’t suddenly see the light and become a better place to work, and if another Sanford comes on the scene tomorrow, you’d have no reason to believe they’d do anything differently with the new one. Their handling of Sanford says something about who they are as an organization; you shouldn’t change your plans just because this one manifestation of those problems is gone.

3. New manager is changing things for the worse

I work in a grocery store bakery. My teammates and I all have things organized in a way that is best for our efficiency. This new assistant manager has rearranged things into a mess. I have allowed this to go on out of respect. It’s just not working. I have gone to my bakery manager as well as store management bout it. What do I do now? I have changed things around since no one has helped me. And she just changes it back. She has not been receptive to speaking about it. She struggles with a power struggle.

The thing about being in a power struggle with your manager is that the manager is nearly always going to win because of their power and authority relative to yours — or at least that’s the case if you’ve talked to levels of management above you and no one cares enough to intervene. You and your teammates can certainly try talking to your manager as a group and explaining why you want to switch things back — and that’s worth doing if you haven’t yet — but ultimately if you can’t convince her, you don’t have much recourse.

In that situation, your best bet is probably to roll with the changes for a while. If a month or two from now they’re still causing problems, raise it again at that point; sometimes when you’ve made a good-faith effort to roll with changes but can still point to problems, that’s an easier sell than when you resist them from the start.

4. Is it illegal to hire someone just to fire people?

I’m writing a novel and I have a character who is hired solely to make people redundant before moving on. I heard from someone recently that it is illegal to hire someone for the sole purpose of making people redundant/firing them, only to get rid of them after they’ve completed this job. Is that true?

You mean hiring someone specifically to conduct layoffs/firing but not keeping them on after that? Like George Clooney’s character in Up in the Air? It’s not illegal to do that. Typically, though, if a company brings in someone from the outside to do it, they’d go with a firm or contractor (also like Up in the Air), not hire a full employee to do it — but it wouldn’t be illegal to have them be an actual employee if for some reason they wanted to. (That said, your use of “make people redundant” makes me think you might be in the UK rather than the U.S., and I can only speak to U.S. laws.)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I use a wedding photo — with a veil — as my work avatar?

My company is fully remote, so they really encourage us to upload a headshot to our company chat service so people can put a face to the name.

Would it look out of touch or immature to use a photo from my wedding? It’s probably the best I’ll ever look in any photo because of the professional hair and makeup and because it was taken by a professional photographer. But because of the veil, it’s very obviously a wedding photo. (I’d choose a shot without my husband in it.)

I think some of my male coworkers have done this, but it feels different because they’re just wearing suits rather than the whole Bridal Outfit ™.

Yeah, a wedding veil will look out of place for a headshot.

For most companies, at least. There are undoubtedly exceptions, but we’re trafficking in generalities for questions like this.

(I totally understand the temptation to use it though and feel the same way about my wedding photos, and in hindsight everyone who’s just had their hair and makeup done for their wedding should consider taking a couple of shots with no obviously wedding-ish accoutrements while they are looking like that.)

2. I sneeze constantly, and my coworkers say “bless you” Every. Single. Time

I sneeze. A lot. Like, when I sneeze, I sneeze six times in a row and I do this multiple times a day. Even with regular visits to an allergist and daily medication, it’s something I have to deal with.

My issue is that I work in a huge open-concept office. Every time I sneeze, I’m greeted with a chorus of “Bless you!” from around the office. Putting aside the fact that I have no concerns about my soul escaping via my nose, it’s just annoying. If I sneeze six times, they’ll say “bless you!” six times.

I’ve tried to jokingly tell people that I’m okay, to just ignore me, or to at least wait until I’ve finished, but several people still do it. I already worry that I’m creating a disruption, but my sneezing isn’t something I can control. How do I get these well-intentioned colleagues to stop?

You might not be able to; some people feel too rude letting a sneeze go unacknowledged. But you can try! The thing is, you’ve got to stop saying it jokingly and start saying it more seriously: “I appreciate the thought, but it’s making it more of a disruption than it already is. I’d be grateful to agree there’s a blanket ‘bless you’ in effect and no more are needed.” If saying it to the group doesn’t work, start talking to the hold-out’s one-on-one.

3. What is the normal amount of extra staffing a team should plan for?

I work in a support role on a team which physically moves objects, devices, and equipment around. No working from home!

A normal complement of staff to cover the needs on a normal day is six people. But there are only six people, total, employed on my team.

If even one team member calls in sick or goes on holiday or on a training course, the team is short-staffed. This causes friction and delays and impacts the work of the whole place. I feel that management is in denial and expects us to just do our best and work harder.

Is there a number which any sensible manager applies to a situation like this? Should a six-position team have a complement of say nine staff? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s at least seven, right?

Not really. It’s actually very normal for a team with a six-person workload to be staffed by six people. Well-resourced and well-managed organizations might staff it with seven, but you’d be hard-pressed to find an organization that could justify overstaffing by 50% (nine staff).

It absolutely does make sense to build in a buffer for times when people are out or when work is higher, but it can be a very hard sell and it’s common for managers not to be able to get the budget for it. Ideally you’d build in an additional staff position that does other useful work when they’re not needed to cover for someone, but there isn’t always enough other work to justify the additional position, or it’s not high-priority enough relative to other things that money could be spent on.

That said, a decently managed place will recognize the situation and manage workflow accordingly — meaning that when someone is out, they’ll adjust the workload, reprioritize as needed, push back on demands from other teams, bring in temp help, and so forth. It’s when that doesn’t happen that it really becomes a problem.

4. Telling an employer I’ll need time off to promote a book

This is still a hypothetical, but I want to be prepared to navigate the situation. I have a book being released by a major publisher this year. It’s beyond exciting, and I am contractually obligated to do any and all promotional activities asked of me.

However, I won’t see any more money from my publisher until I earn out my advance, and I need a job. I just concluded a second interview for a really fantastic position. If I get an offer, I know my obligations to my publisher have to be an immediate discussion with my supervisor.

How would I navigate this without getting my offer pulled? “I’m delighted to accept this rigorous and team-work based role but also I might be on a book tour lol” is not really the note I want to strike, you know?

Well, first, look at your contract with your publisher — it’s very unlikely that you are contractually obligated to do “any and all” promotional activities asked of you. You’re typically expected to do a lot of them, even most of them, but that doesn’t mean you can never push back and have a conflict with something. You should also talk to your publisher about exactly what it’s likely to look like; book tours are less and less common these days, unless the author has a massive audience (or in some cases unless the author is highly motivated to do one). It’s possible you’ve already discussed this with your publisher and know for sure they expect a book tour, but either way, talk to them and get really clear on what promotion is likely to look like and how much flexibility you’ll have. (For most authors, it’s likely to be a lot of demands on your time the month the book comes out — although keep in mind a lot of it will be interviews that you will do remotely — and then decreasing demands on your time after that.)

Once you have that discussion, you’ll be in a better position to talk to a would-be employer about it since they’ll need to hear specifics of what you’re asking them to agree to. Ideally you can say something like, “I have a book being published by Oatmeal Press in June and will need time for promotional activities that month, including being at the Groats fan convention on June 20 and away for a signing event on June 30 and general availability for interviews around the time of publication.” You won’t be able to predict everything that will come up (and media stuff in particular can come up last minute), but talking to your publisher should position you to be able to provide a general idea of what it will look like.

Congratulations on the book!

5. I work for the federal government — how can I stay in touch with coworkers?

I have worked for the federal government for over 15 years — almost all of my professional references are federal employees and I only have their official contact information. In the event of a mass layoff or other mass exodus of employees from the government, how should we handle reference checks for future employment? I have the personal contact info for 3-4 people who would provide relevant info (not just “we were neighbors and played volleyball on Tuesdays” or “we worked together a decade ago”), but if I had to provide a list of more people, or those who fit a certain description, I’d be in trouble if I couldn’t look people up. I have no expectation of any privacy related to official communication channels right now.

This might seem like I’m overthinking or focusing on a relatively minor issue while everything is falling apart, but, due to health concerns, I’m terrified of losing my health insurance and need to be able to find new work ASAP if I somehow find myself unemployed. The only thing that’s keeping me going right now is figuring out how to get as many ducks in a row as possible.

LinkedIn is the easiest way to keep in touch with people after you’re no longer working together. You don’t need to be active on LinkedIn to use it this way; you just need to connect to colleagues and other contacts so you can find each other in the future. So if you’re not already connected there, do that right away. There’s also nothing wrong with saying to people, “With everything going on, I want to make sure we can stay in touch if anything changes. My personal email address is X and I’d love to have yours as well if you’re comfortable exchanging it.”