Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworkers are very concerned that I’m not wearing a coat

I am a relatively young woman (late 20s) in a workplace in which many of my coworkers are twice my age or more, and the profession is heavily skewed female. I’ve been at this workplace for about four months.

I leave the building for my lunch break, we all walk to the parking lot together upon closing for the day, and I find myself occasionally going outside for one reason or another. I live in a cold climate, but I hate wearing coats for short trips outside partially because I run hot and partially because of neurodiversity-related sensory issues. I am usually just wearing a thin cardigan if I’m wearing any layers at all.

Nine times out of ten, if a coworker spots me leaving the building, they will literally gasp or admonish me in some way for not wearing a coat for what is essentially a 50-foot walk to my car. One has even taken me aside and inquired if I was able to purchase a winter coat and offered to help me buy one, which was an incredibly kind offer but made me feel embarrassed.

I know they’re asking out of concern and genuine care, but it makes me feel disrespected and not taken seriously as a fellow professional. I am one of the youngest members of the professional staff and more than one coworker has noted that they have children older than me, so I feel as if I constantly have to prove myself.

I usually respond to these comments with something plain (“Thank you, but I’m okay”) or joking (“I’m fine, I’m actually part yeti”) but they continue. How can I reframe my thoughts so that these comments stop bothering me as much as they do?

It’s the age thing that’s making this feel as weird as it does; if your coworkers were all your same age and making the exact same comments, I bet it would read differently. But because you’re the youngest — and very aware of it — the comments are landing as if they think you need mothering, which makes you feel babied.

Would it help to reframe it as “these are kind people who would express the same concern to a 50-year-old coworker”? I don’t know if that’s true — people do often want to caretake younger coworkers in ways they wouldn’t with older ones — but I also don’t know that it’s not true, so if we’re talking about mental reframing, that might be the way to go. Also, if you’re generally respected at work and taken seriously, it might help to center that in your head — yes, you might be getting more caretaking directed at you because you’re younger, but if your work is taken seriously, that’s what really matters. (If it’s not, that’s a whole different issue, but then that would be more the issue than The Coat.)

Also, it might help to start responding with, “I have coats! I just run hot and often don’t wear them.” It might not stop the concerned comments, but it’ll at least establish that you’re not the Little Match Girl.

Related:
I’ve accidentally convinced my coworkers that I’m homeless – but I’m not!

2. Asking to work remotely after getting a tattoo

I work in municipal government under a mayor who banned remote work this year for all municipal employees. Currently, we are only allowed to ask to work remotely if there are extenuating circumstances and if it’s not a recurring request. We can only do so for a day at a time, and it must be approved ahead of time by my grandboss.

I am getting a (huge) tattoo for my birthday next week. I am taking the day off for the all-day appointment. The day after, I would be fine to work, except the placement of the tattoo makes it impossible to wear pants in the immediate healing stage. Ideally, I could work from home for the next two days so I don’t use up all my vacation time for this. A doctor’s note is required for sick time. However, I don’t know how to word my request to work remotely! I am the only person in my relatively small department who has requested to work from home under the new policy, and I have used it two or three times since the summer. I am worried that asking for remote work the day after my birthday looks like I am planning to party hard and be hungover — bad optics. I’m hoping you can help me formulate the request to work from home, or that the commenters can give advice on wearing clothes over a large lower back piece.

Well … I don’t think you should.

To be clear, you should be able to! If your job can be done effectively from home, there’s no reason you should need to use vacation time for this. But look at the facts: your job frowns on remote work and only allows it under unusual circumstances, you’ve already used it a few times since the summer, you’re the only one in your department who has, and the request would be for the two days after a day you’re already taking off. It looks bad. I’m not saying that’s reasonable; it’s not. But that’s the reality you’re working with, with your particular employer’s culture on this.

You’d probably be better off getting the tattoo on a Friday and using the weekend for it to heal. I’m sorry, I know that sucks! Your workplace has made their stance pretty clear, though, and this will use too much capital.

3. I think my employee is using AI to produce bad writing

I’m a new manager and am almost certain the employee I’m managing is using AI.

I think AI works great for certain jobs, but the problem is that he’s using it to generate articles/comms that need to have a lot of nuance. Not only are the same mistakes coming up, but I worry the tone is obvious to others familiar with AI, which is a bit of a reputational risk.

I’d ideally want to have a frank discussion about common AI pitfalls so he can avoid those issues, but I’m conscious it may come across as an accusation, which he can deny anyway. Should I just act as if the output is his work and give my edits as normal?

Have a conversation with him! Give your edits — both specific edits and broad pattern edits (tone, voice, etc.) — and then say, “I don’t know if you’ve played around with AI for any of this, but some of it reads as sounding AI-generated, so either way it made me realize we should talk about why we don’t and can’t use AI.” If he says he hasn’t been using AI, you can say, “Okay, good. Let’s take a minute anyway to talk about why it’s something we can’t use, in case it ever does come up.” So you’re not getting into whether or not he did; you’re just laying out the reasons your team can’t. And then explain the voice issues, nuance, accuracy, concerns about proprietary info, copyright, or whatever AI problems are relevant in your field (likely all of those at some level or other).

4. Will a new employer let you roll over unused vacation time from your last job?

I know someone who is job searching to move to a new city. He works at a hospital in a health care capacity, and has worked at his current employer for 15 years. His vacation accrues with the number of hours worked; if he works extra hours, he accrues more vacation time.

He believes he has heard that employers will roll over vacation hours accrued to one another — i.e., that his unused vacation time could be picked up and made already available by the new employer. I told him that there are employers that will allow for negotiating accrual rates (“my previous employer supplied 20 days of vacation accrued over the year, can you match that”), but I’ve never heard of a company providing the accrued but unused time from a previous employer. The hospital system he is currently employed at is only in one state; this isn’t something where you would find it across the nation.

Is this something you’ve heard of happening, and if so, in what situation? I really can’t picture this in a nonprofit health setting.

No, that’s not a thing that typically happens when you’re moving to an entirely new employer (as opposed to moving around internally). You’re right that you can often negotiate the amount of vacation time you earn each year so that you don’t go from, say, six weeks a year to two, but employers don’t typically “roll over” whatever unused vacation time you have from somewhere else. That’s the other company’s accounting system, not theirs! (Ideally unused time would be paid out when you leave, but not every state requires that. It would be a particularly weird request in states that do … although, really, it’s likely to come across as a pretty strange request everywhere.)

5. My coworker’s out-of-office reply keeps (wrongly) sending people to me

Would you consider the ability to put together an out-of-office auto-reply a pretty basic, table-stakes skill?

I have a colleague, Barb, who is relatively new to our company (less than a year). We both work in IT and have mutually dependent jobs — think project manager (multiple projects across multiple teams) and team lead (accountable for stakeholder relationships and work prioritization for a team). Barb’s first big project was with me and my team, although she has other accountabilities as well.

Not long after Barb started, she had some PTO scheduled and asked if she could list my name in her out-of-office auto-reply. I said that of course she could list me for project X that we were working on together. But I didn’t know her other work, so I didn’t want to be listed as the contact for those other efforts. A few months later, we had more or less the same conversation. Barb asked to list me in her out-of-office; I said only for the project that we were working on together. Time passes, and another PTO comes around. No asking to use my name, which is fine. But then I get a message from a person on a related team asking about something that is Barb’s responsibility. Because Barb listed my name (and only my name) in her out-of-office message. I didn’t check the other two times, but I’m guessing she listed me then as well.

Part of me thinks this is so small and not worth following up on. But also, this feels like part of a pattern, where she asks questions in a “I’m new here” way, but when she doesn’t like the answer, she does what she wanted anyway.

She’s been in the business world for 20+ years, as have I. I am baffled that someone with this level of experience doesn’t have a grasp of out-of-office message patterns. And even if the pattern at this company is different from what she’s experienced before, being told no twice and just ignoring it really annoys me.

Are my expectations unreasonable? That an experienced project manager (1) would be able to put together an out-of-office message without any drama and at the very least would learn after one iteration and (2) wouldn’t blatantly ignore a colleague’s explicit “no”?

Your expectations are not unreasonable on either count. That said, this is probably less about her not knowing how to put together an out-of-office and more about general incompetence and/or intransigence.

Why not just say, “Hey, please stop listing my name on your out-of-office replies; I’m getting messages from people about things I’m not involved in”? And then if she does it again: “I saw you listed me in your out-of-office again. Is there a reason you’re doing that even though I asked you not to?” And meanwhile, just direct anyone who messages you back to Barb: “I’m not sure why she listed me as the contact; I’m not the right person for that, so you’ll need to check back with her.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager constantly talks about her personal finances

I am the only direct report to a manager who constantly talks about how much money she is spending in her personal life. Her spouse owns an international company, which allows her to have a pretty nice life, but she still manages to find things to complain about constantly. Quick examples: she sent me the listing of the house they just bought (over $1 million) and pointed out everything she will have to change because it’s “outdated.” Every time we talk, she finds a way to drop in how much money she’s spending: the $20,000 closet renovation, or the $30,000 landscaping project, the $12,000 door, the $250 candle, the $400 dinner she had last night … the list goes on!

While I am not struggling financially, my spouse is a public teacher and we are not living in the same tax bracket and I am so tired of listening to her champagne problems every time we are in a one-on-one.

Is there anything I can do to say, “Stop constantly telling me how much money you’re spending”? She is already known throughout the company for having a difficult personality, but I get the brunt of her constant money talk and my resentment grows every day. I’ve asked a trusted colleague for advice but she is stumped too. I have a good relationship with her boss, my grandboss, but it feels like tattling or whining when it’s not really a performance issue from her, just her personality. Do I have to just suck it up?

What about just allowing yourself to have a more natural (and therefore pointed) response when she throws those numbers around? If you start replying with “Wow, we are clearly in very different financial situations, I could never afford that” or “That’s so different from my own budget that you’re making me think I should ask for a raise,” she might reconsider how often she shares that stuff with you. Alternately, you could straight-out say, “I’m not the right audience for this kind of thing, because on my salary I have very different money problems.” You could even add, “I’ll be honest — it’s can be hard to hear when Cecil and I are struggling.”

If she’s the worst kind of boor, that might not stop her, but there’s a decent chance it’ll make her uncomfortable enough to rein some of it in, and if nothing else, the candid responses might be more satisfying to give.

Related:
my rich friend is oblivious when he talks about money … and I’m at a breaking point

2. Applying for a job where my abusive ex’s new partner works

I am a finalist for a position with a large organization in my city. The position fits fine with my career trajectory, the colleagues seem good, the work seems interesting. I have a number of reasons I want to leave my current job and this path out seems to be pretty good. The catch is a big one though: my abusive ex’s spouse works for this employer. They are in a different department but based on what I know about their work, I expect they will interface with the department I’ve applied to.

I don’t know if my ex’s spouse knows me at all, but I know my ex to be controlling and vindictive. If I were to be offered and accept the position, it is hard for me to imagine my ex being unaware for very long. The last time I had a run-in with my ex, they tried getting my phone disconnected and badmouthed me to friends and family. I dread being anywhere near their spouse for fear they dredge anything up and threaten me, my family, coworkers, or their spouse.

The final interview is over a month away. I have a friend who is in the department I’ve applied to — do I talk to her about the situation? I am thinking I should do the interview and maybe I’ll find it’s a not a good fit and can back out naturally. Or, knowing I’m scared of what may be, should I just back out of the process? I don’t want to turn down a job just because of a harmful jackass but I am getting upset just typing this out. I am in therapy and plan on talking through the feelings with my therapist, but professionally I feel like I’m in a no-win situation.

If this were just the partner of an ex who’d been a bit of an ass, I’d say not to let that keep you from the job. But this would be putting yourself back in the orbit of a person who, the last time you encountered each other, actively tried to harm you. No job is worth that.

You’re also not describing this as a rare, perfect-fit type of job opportunity; you describe it as “fine” and “pretty good.” There are other options that will clear the “fine” and “pretty good” bar too, without jeopardizing your safety and peace of mind.

3. My coworker is constantly on her phone and the rest of us have to pick up the slack

I would love to know how much personal phone use is acceptable in office jobs. I work with someone who picks up her phone between 10 and 30 times an hour (those of us who sit around her find it so distracting that we’ve logged her usage and shown these stats to her manager). “Lisa” is texting, often long conversations that go back and forth every minute or so, and scrolling through Instagram. She has been spoken to twice about this and she improves for a week or so and then it’s back to it. She has ADHD and says she needs to use it between different types of tasks to clear her mind.

In weekly meetings, Lisa is always the one who has a list of things she hasn’t had time to do because she’s so busy and stressed, and the rest of us are getting pretty annoyed because we end up having to do more to cover her. We also worry there will be a crackdown on any phone use at all because one person is abusing the privilege.

What are the rules in other workplaces? Is this something Lisa can be fired for, especially as she’s been spoken to a few times already? Can workplaces ban phones from desks?

Yes, she can be fired for it and yes, your workplace can ban phones — but they have to want to do those things, and so far her manager doesn’t seem to be treating it as a particularly big deal, so I wouldn’t count on either of those happening. Different workplaces have different rules, norms, and expectations around phone use (anything from complete autonomy to no phone use permitted at all), so it really comes down to how your particular workplace and your particular manager feel about it.

That said, Lisa’s manager should be addressing her lower productivity. And if Lisa needs to task-switch to manage her time well, she needs to find ways of doing it that aren’t distracting to others. (That said, is the physical movement of using her phone really a distraction, or is it the annoyance of knowing that she’s once again neglecting her work? Those are two different things, and if it’s really more the second, acknowledging that to yourself might make it easier to deal with.)

Since it sounds like your manager has been willing to address the problem with Lisa when it’s been raised before, you should go back to her now and say that every time she’s talked to Lisa about it, Lisa has improved for a week but then goes right back to it, and you’re continuing to have to do extra work to cover for her, and ask that the problem be addressed in a more lasting way. If the nature of your work allows for it, you could also stop picking up Lisa’s slack and see if that makes the problem feel more urgent to your boss.

It’s possible that your workplace will respond by banning phones for everyone so you can’t discount that risk, but a decent manager wouldn’t do that; they’d manage Lisa more forthrightly.

4. How (and if) to tell someone they aren’t qualified to do a job

I work in a niche part of a larger field that requires its own training, usually formally through graduate school but not infrequently through more informal means. I am a practitioner and educator in this niche part (I went to grad school, and adjunct in a grad program), which is often considered fun and interesting by most people but is very often widely and wildly misunderstood. I wish I could say it doesn’t grate on me, but it does (especially by people who should know better, like people who engage with this area as patrons and users).

I was asked to coffee recently by a dear friend, A, to meet their friend, B, to talk about this specialty. B is working on a project where they must utilize skills from my profession and “are in over their head”, and A wanted to introduce me to B as a current practitioner and see if I can give advice. This happens a lot, and I really love both my job and interacting with people who find different ways into the profession rather than formal schooling! So I was happy to schedule with them both. In the meantime, I looked up B’s website and realized that this was not a problem they stumbled into–they advertise (and charge for) the skills of my profession as part of their whole deal. This happens a lot, too–many people in many fields think they are doing my job when in fact they are not, and (to me, the most important part) they have no curiosity about the entire field that exists of professionals doing this work with best practices and a whole professional organization, literature, and training structure in place.

I am not going to ask for/charge a consultant fee; I have already agreed to meet and ultimately I think B is harmless and enthusiastic. I think most people who misunderstand my field are harmless and enthusiastic! But I think this is poor timing for B, in that I am so annoyed that I can’t decide whether I should try to say, “Hey, don’t offer this very particular and skilled service if you have never even looked for a book on this, much less taken a class or talked to a professional” in addition to my professional opinions about this project specifically. B has been working for this project for over a year! Am I being petty? Is this not my business? I want to stay friends with A, too.

Do you know for sure that B is someone who “has never read a book on the subject, taken a class, or talked to a professional”? Your friend’s assessment that B is in over their head doesn’t necessarily mean that, so before you conclude anything, it’s smart to ask B more about their background in the subject.

When you meet, you could say, “I looked at your website to get an idea of the work you do and I saw you advertise llama grooming services. I don’t want to give you info you already know, so can you give me an idea of your background and training in that area and what kinds of projects you’ve worked on? That will help me understand what would be most helpful.” This is a good thing to ask regardless so you can better calibrate the level of advice you’re offering — and if it does turn out they’re advertising those services with zero skills, it’ll highlight that too.

But you can also decline to provide free consulting, remedial or otherwise. If it turns out they need a lot of help, you could explain that it’s more work than can be covered in a casual coffee but you’d be happy to recommend pros in the field (or write up a proposal of work yourself if you’re interested).

5. Should I have given more notice when quitting around the holidays?

I work for a very small tech start-up, several years old but struggling to grow. I’m the only person in my department. Previously, I worked for a VP and held a lower level individual contributor role on my team. The VP got let go, and I was given all of their responsibilities (most of which I had never done before) and a director title, as well as a small ($5,000) raise and a promise of an end-of-year bonus (that was never put in writing or specified if it was dependent on company performance). I’ve been managing all the responsibilities for our function for several months solo.

I decided I wanted to leave (largely due to the above but other reasons as well) and found a new job at a new company and gave notice yesterday. Because of the holidays, I gave them 3.5 weeks notice so they could have a little more time. When I told my CEO, who I now report to directly, he told me I was not giving them enough time and leaving the company in a bad position, since I’m the only one who can do my job and they will struggle to find a replacement quickly with the holidays. I know two weeks is really all you owe a company, but given my position as the sole person in my role and the holidays, should I have given them more time? I’m not dependent on them for a reference in the future but I am wondering if they are justified in their upset reaction.

Nope. Three and half weeks was generous and more than you needed to give. The point of a notice period isn’t to provide enough time to find a replacement and have them start (the standard two weeks isn’t nearly enough for that in most jobs) but simply to wrap things up in a basic way and transition your work to whoever will be covering it in the interim.

Feel free to ignore your CEO’s attempt to guilt-trip you. He might feel inconvenienced by the timing of your departure, but that’s how departures generally go; they’re often inconvenient, and that’s not a reason to expect someone will alter their plans. His feelings of stress don’t mean you handled it wrong.