Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I manage a manager who makes too many assumptions about everything

I manage a manager, Jane, who openly for all to hear assumes motivations for our clients, consumers, and employees on everything. It’s not only unhelpful, but it also is incorrect. For example, we had a project that was having some difficulties and Jane said in a team meeting, “Oh, they’re going to ask us to work the weekend,” when this was never mentioned. It not only put all others in the meeting on their heels and made them nervous, but it also made it seem like our clients were overly demanding. They never asked us to work through the weekend, nor did we need to. Her throwaway comment stressed a lot of employees out and also put our client in a false bad light.

Another example is when an employee Jane manages asked about a glitch she found on a project when she was reviewing it. I had more interaction with the glitch, so I asked her to compile all the feedback she received from different individuals experiencing the glitch, and then we could look at it as a whole. In response, Jane said, “It must have been a one-off situation,” but it wasn’t. There were a lot of people who experienced it, and we needed to come up with a solution – but her comment downplayed the seriousness. I appreciate if she was trying to bring levity, but she is always interjecting assumptions without any basis, and it’s not helpful at all. How do I approach this without knocking the wind out of her sails? Other than this, she does good work – but her additional anecdotes are becoming a lot to piece through.

Name the pattern! And explain that people put a lot of weight on her comments because she’s a manager, and so she needs to be more thoughtful about not making throwaway comments that people are taking seriously or rushing to conclusions without first asking questions. For example: “I’ve noticed a pattern recently that I want to bring up to you. You’ll sometimes make what I think you’re thinking of as a throwaway comment, not one you’ve necessarily thought through or expect people to act right away on. But because you’re a manager, your words carry a lot of weight — and when you haven’t thought through what you’re saying and are working from an assumption that you haven’t taken the time to confirm, it can send people down the wrong path, stress them out unnecessarily, or leave them with the wrong impression. For example (supply examples).”

Obviously, you don’t want the result of this conversation to be that she clams up and never speaks again because she’s afraid of doing what you’ve described, so there’s going to be some art in working with her on this. And it’s unlikely that a single conversation will solve it — but it will flag the issue and provide the framework to make it easier to talk with her about it when you see it happen the next time. It’s likely going to be an ongoing process of coaching (because at its core it’s about judgment), and you’ll need to talk through what she should be doing instead (asking more questions, probably), but this framework should help you name what you’re seeing and why it’s a problem.

2. Was it inappropriate for an employee of a client to invite me for drinks?

When I was 20, I worked at a consulting firm. I worked for a client overseas and worked mainly with a team, but occasionally I had to interact with other employees of our client company. One of those times, a female employee really appreciated some help I gave her and we talked a bit. She mentioned that she would be in my city for a work trip and that we could go out for some drinks if I wanted.

I felt a bit uncomfortable and didn’t answer and then we both pretended nothing had happened. I didn’t want to meet because I thought it would be weird (we really didn’t know each other and I suspect she didn’t know how young I was — she never saw my face) but I also felt it wouldn’t be appropriate. As a man, I didn’t want anyone in my company to think I was trying to hook up with employees of our client (even if this wasn’t the case; I think she was just being friendly). This happened many years ago and while I praise myself for my caution I still wonder if I was right in thinking this was inappropriate.

It doesn’t sound particularly inappropriate; people often meet up for drinks when they’re traveling through the city of someone they work with. I’d assume she was just being friendly and/or networking. If she’d kept pushing you to meet up after you’d declined, that would have been inappropriate — but it sounds like she just suggested it, you didn’t take her up on it, and that was that. Which is also fine! You’re under no obligation to agree to invitations if you don’t feel comfortable or just don’t want to go. Ideally, though, you should decline gracefully — citing other plans is an easy way to do it — so that no one feels awkward about it.

3. Coworker wants to spend sick leave in Cancun

I have a coworker who’s having a medical procedure done and is taking a week to recover. The second week he’s going to Cancun but wants to include that as sick time, not PTO. Can he do that? It seems like if he’s well enough to fly, it should be considered vacation.

It’s possible for someone to be well enough to fly but not well enough to work — depending on the physical and mental demands of the job, and also on what recovery entails (i.e., being laid up in bed is different from just being too mentally fuzzy from painkillers to work). But most employers are going to be awfully skeptical of someone submitting sick time while declaring they’re spending a week in Cancun. Your coworker is pretty much asking for pushback on it.

That said, if you don’t manage him/aren’t in HR and his absence isn’t going to significantly impact you, it’s not really your business and you shouldn’t get involved.

4. My new boss is in my D&D group

I work for a government organization with many departments. During the pandemic, a few semi-official hobby groups were created to allow people across different departments to socialize, including but not limited to a book club and a D&D group. They still exist “post-pandemic” and I’ve been part of the D&D group for about a year. We don’t meet during work hours, and we avoid discussing work during gaming sessions.

Earlier this year I interviewed for a higher position in a different department, and just got the news that I got the job! During the process, after I’d already interviewed, a new person joined the D&D group, and it turns out she’s going to be my supervisor for this new position. She’s fairly new to the position herself.

I know from past letters that you’ve cautioned people about getting too casual with their supervisors and reports, and because of the nature of tabletop RPGs, the group is pretty informal with each other. What’s the best way to avoid any professional missteps or awkwardness when my supervisor and I are pretending to be wizards together in our off hours?

I can’t speak to D&D-specific missteps (although I bet some readers can in the comments) but assuming you’re, you know, a reasonably well-behaved person and not the boor of the group, this is more of a potential landmine for your manager than for you. She’s got to be thoughtful about ensuring that others on the team don’t feel you’re getting special access to her or that work conversations are happening during these get-togethers that they’re not included in. You don’t need to manage that for her, though; that’s hers to navigate.

5. Asking for a raise: a success story

I wanted to share a success story with you! I’ve been at my current job about 18 months now, and am a mid-career nonprofit professional who freelanced a bunch before getting this steady gig because I needed a more stable income. I realized recently that I need a raise as I was taking on new responsibilities, and had already received a new title (budget issues at the time of the title bump meant asking for a raise was not prudent). But the budget has steadied out, and I figured it was time.

I read all the stuff I could on your blog about how to ask for a raise and then sent my boss an email asking for a salary discussion to be put on the agenda for our upcoming 1:1. In my email, I mentioned the accomplishments I’ve had recently and new projects I’m taking on that she’s expressed happiness with, and provided research about the market rate for my position, which my salary was at the low end of. My boss agreed to the discussion, and it turned out: the discussion didn’t need to happen. She showed up with a salary memo from HR in hand, with a 12% bump in my pay.

The hardest part was getting up the confidence to just ask for it! I knew I wasn’t going to leave over it, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to have the conversation. And I’m so glad I did!

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworkers message me “hi” with no indication of what they need

I find myself very frustrated with many of my coworkers. We use Teams, and I often receive messages that just say “Hi Name.” If I’m available, I can respond right away and get to their request. But sometimes when I step away for my lunch hour, I return to see that right after I left, I got a “Hi Name” message. When I respond, they’ve often stepped away and it may take another hour for them to get back to me with their request, two hours from when they originally reached out to me.

To me, it seems that people think that Teams chats follow the social etiquette of walking up to somebody’s desk. You both say a quick hello, then get to whatever they needed. However, I view it more like leaving a Post-It note on somebody’s desk. It’s visible, but if they aren’t there, it might take some time to respond. And to leave me a Post-It note that just says “Hi” on my desk, then to expect me to go to yours to leave one as well before giving any details, frustrates me. When I reach out to people, I generally send them “Hi Name, I’m reaching out to you about X. Do you have Y information?” — closer to how I would write an email.

I’ve been at this company for two years, I like it and feel valued, this is just a big pet peeve of mine, as I feel that it is less efficient, and if somebody messages me when I’m away, I now have to spend time tracking them down for their request. I’m also autistic and there’s a chance that there’s something about social cues and unwritten rules that I’m just not understanding. This is a large company, and this communication style is common between people of all ages, managers, coworkers, and contractors.

I’m sometimes tempted to just not respond until they do send the information over, but I also don’t want to come off as rude or unresponsive. I also have thought about addressing it individually with the people that I work closest with, but I’m not 100% sure how I should say it.

Yeah, this is just a Thing That Happens in almost every office. The people who do it think it’s friendlier, and everyone else thinks it’s inefficient and a little annoying. It’s very unlikely that you will be able to solve it, so it’s easier to decide not to care. Write back “hi” and figure that if their communication style means it takes an extra day for them to get the info that they need, that’s on them; it’s not on you to draw their needs out of them.

That said, if you work frequently with someone who does this, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “By the way, feel free to just launch in with what you need when you first message me. If you just say hi and wait for me to respond, it could be hours before you hear back, depending on what else I’m working on — but if what you need is in the first message, I can often get it to you faster.”

Related:
how to respond when coworkers IM me “hi” with no indication of what they need

2. My younger coworker thinks I don’t know anything about computers

I am older (mid 60s) and on my way to at least semi-retirement. We have on our staff a new younger (30-ish) woman who is in a leadership role. I have no issue with that – she’s good and she knows her stuff; I’ve learnt new things from her. But she seems to have it firmly in her mind that I am a sweet little old lady who cannot possibly know anything, especially in the field of computers. When it comes to software, or tech generally, she
is very patronizing towards me and tries to hold my hand through elementary steps. The thing is, I have been working with computers since the mid 1970s and helped design and set up the system we currently use. In this area, I’m good and I know my stuff.

My manager has taken her aside (he tells me) and spoken to her about the way she is treating me, and others on staff have commented as well, so it’s not just me. How can I make her see that I am competent in this area, before the sweet little old lady turns into a cranky old battleaxe on the warpath (which wouldn’t be good)?

The next time she does it: “I’ve been working with computers for decades and helped design the system we use now.” Use an amused-sounding tone.

If it continues: “I’m not sure if you realize you’ve been approaching me like I need remedial help with anything tech-related. So to let you know, I don’t.”

If it continues after that, consider talking to HR about it and using the words “age discrimination.” Or if you want to give your boss one more chance to handle it first, have that conversation with him instead and ask if he wants to do a more serious intervention himself or if it’s time for you to bring in HR.

3. Should I correct students who address me as Mrs.?

I am a faculty member at a major state university where I teach large undergraduate classes in a male-dominated discipline. I have been teaching for quite a while and have achieved the highest faculty rank (Professor). While I am not particularly concerned about being addressed as Professor or Dr., which are correct given my faculty rank and education, I take issue with one way that I am increasingly addressed by students — about half of the hundreds of student emails I receive each semester. Rather than start their emails with Dear Professor Green, Dear Dr. Green, or Dear Ms. Green, students increasingly refer to me as Mrs. Green. To add an irrelevant fact, I am not married.

It has always been my understanding that “Mrs.” is used to refer to a married woman, or a woman who has been married, without a higher or honorific or professional title. And that “Ms.” should be used to refer to a woman of unknown marital status or when marital status is irrelevant. Of course, I believe Mrs. should always be used to address anyone who indicates that preference.

My students will see my name written as Dr. Jane Green on a variety of university and course materials, but that does not seem to change the frequency of emails addressed “Dear Mrs. Green.” I hesitate to correct students for fear that it will be taken as an indicator of self-importance and give me a reputation for being condescending or unapproachable. However, I am sensitive to the misogyny involved. While I don’t think students should call their instructors by their first name, I don’t want to insist that students call me Professor Green or Dr. Green. I would be fine with being called Ms. Green – it’s only “Mrs. Green” that really bothers me.

Do you see this as an important “teachable moment” for college students entering the workforce (in addition to being a personal pet peeve)? My thought is that students should learn not to use Mrs. as the default title for women in the workplace or in addressing professional correspondence since marital status should be irrelevant in these situations (and also that perhaps it is a good idea to avoid offending others like me when trying to be hired for or advance in a position).

I think that if I had confirmation that this reasoning is correct, I would feel more justified including an explanation in my course materials and providing reminders in my responses to student emails. I am willing to take the possible blowback if it will help students in their eventual careers!

Yes, absolutely. Referring to a woman as Mrs. without any indication that she uses or prefers it is a good way to alienate a ton of us — since it’s rooted in the sexist notion that a woman’s marital status is relevant when a man’s is not. It will also hit a lot of ears as old-fashioned.

These students should learn that now so that they don’t address their cover letters that way, greet networking contacts that way, or otherwise annoy and aggravate the many, many women who use Ms. who they’re going to meet in their careers.

I’d say it this way: “It’s Ms. or Dr., please.”

You could add as a parenthetical: “Mrs. is not a title used in professional contexts unless the person has previously indicated she uses it. Default to Ms., or to Dr. when that’s correct.”

4. Can I leverage interest from other employers into a higher salary at my current job?

I’m in an enviable position: I’ve worked my way up to a fairly senior position in a smallish industry, and I have a specialized role that’s currently in high demand. And now—after climbing the ladder and working hard for 20 years—recruiters and hiring managers are calling me nonstop to try to entice me to move. I know, poor me. But I really like my current job! I’ve been here six years, I’ve had some nice success and built a strong program from nothing, and I feel appreciated and—I think—am fairly compensated. I don’t want to leave, but I find myself wondering: Is there anything I should be doing to leverage this interest with my current job? What would I even ask for, assuming I am paid well and well treated?

So far I haven’t even mentioned anything about all this interest to my current manager. But last night a competitive manager took me out to drinks and told me she wanted me to come over to work for her and I should “name my price.” I don’t want to be a cliche of the woman who never negotiates. But I also don’t want to be unfair to my current, very appealing job, where I ultimately want to stay. Any advice?

I’m not a fan of counteroffers, but that’s not what you’d be doing. You’d just be saying, “I really like my work here and want to stay. I want to be up-front that I’m being approached about other jobs that pay more than I’m currently making. I really don’t want to leave, but I wondered if we can take a look at my salary.” You could even use that exact wording.

One thing to note is that it doesn’t sound like you necessarily know what these other jobs would pay; it’s possible some of them would actually pay less well or be less desirable than your current role in other ways. It could be interesting to talk with some of them and progress a little further with them to try to get a better understanding of how they really stack up against your current position.

5. Repeated weekend reminders from a reference-checking company

I want to see if I’m unreasonably annoyed by this situation.

I got a message on Friday after 5 pm from one of the paid student leaders in a program that I help manage. She was letting me know that she had been offered a full-time graduate role that starts next year and they wanted references from managers by the end of that day. She told me she had put me down as a reference and apologized for not being able to ask first.

I was okay with this and was very happy to provide a reference for her. I had seen the message as I often work a later schedule.

I come in on Monday morning and discover four emails from the reference-checking company that has been contracted by the employer. The first email was sent on Friday at 6:41 pm, the second on Saturday at 7:02 pm, a third on Sunday 7:02 am and the fourth on Sunday at 7:01 pm. I’m not in a U.S. timezone, but even in the U.S. all but the initial email would have been on a weekend. I’ve included the text of the reminder emails in a screenshot.

I felt very pressured by this and that if I didn’t get it done quickly I would be hurting the student’s chances of getting this role. It seems to only be giving you three days to respond and those days don’t seem to be business days.

I would expect a system that collects references to account for business days, no matter when the candidate submits their reference request. I completed the reference request (which was 26 questions long and a totally different irritation) but have a lingering irritation about the way this communication occurred. It seems very disrespectful of my time and also unprofessional. Am I wrong to be this irritated?

Nope.

Those reminders were almost certainly automated messages programmed to go out about 24 hours apart, without anyone thinking to leave space for weekends. That doesn’t make it any less annoying, though, or any less demanding. They’re just asking for people to hit that “decline” link.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps asking for rides home

I work in my company’s marketing department. There are only five of us, including our boss (an executive president at the company). He knows that out of all of us, I live the closest to him. His truck is in the shop and he has asked me two days in a row “what are you doing after work/could you take me home?” He also asked a couple weeks ago when his truck was in the shop again. I have said no each time. Am I wrong in saying no?

Some things to note: 1) I am a 29-year-old woman and he is a 50-something man. I am not worried that he’s creepy or would try something, but it just feels uncomfortable to me. 2) I have a one-year-old I have to pick up after work. I do not have time to take my boss home before getting my son and going home. It would add 20-30 minutes to my evening, which eats away into time home with my son and husband. I am not at his disposal after working hours. 3) I am not his assistant, so I don’t feel like I owe him this favor.

I don’t want to seem like I am not being a team player by doing this. But like I said, it eats away at my evening and quite frankly, I just don’t WANT to. His wife could easily come get him. He makes enough money that he can afford a rental car. He has been bumming rides these last couple days and every other time his vehicle has been in the shop. He makes it everyone else’s problem. One time he asked me to drive him to the shop “just to see” if his truck was ready (it wasn’t, btw). I just see it as a “not my problem” situation. Am I wrong for that?

Nope, you’re not wrong for declining to give your boss rides, and it’s good that you don’t feel pressured into saying yes.

He’s asking for a personal favor, not assigning you a work task — which means that you are free to say no. If you weren’t free to say no, then he would be inappropriately using his position to get personal favors — and that would be wrong.

You’d also be on solid ground in saying no even if you didn’t have a kid to pick up. But since you do, “I can’t be late to pick up my kid” is a very easy way to decline without awkwardness. So is, “Sorry, I’ve got to get straight home” and “Sorry, I’ve got plans” (even if those plans are to simply drive home alone).

Also, it’s one thing for someone to ask this once as a favor in unusual circumstances. It’s not at all cool for him to be asking repeatedly. He’s a grown man who needs to figure out his own transportation. (He also needs to figure out that he can just call the shop to find out if his truck is ready; he doesn’t need to drive there in someone else’s car “just to see.”)

Related:
my employee pressures coworkers for rides everywhere

2. My boss won’t let me have any personal items on my desk — but other people can

Is it normal for some people in a work environment to not be allowed any personal items at all? I have been told by my boss that anything that is not issued by the company needs to go home. Period. Others (including people right next to me) have water bottles, family photos, etc., but those are fine and they have never been told anything. I have even been told I must take home my pens and only use the ones provided by the company (I’m a lefty and have hyper mobile hands/wrists, so this is not an option for me in any way). Is it time for a new job or to get legal counsel?

Well, there’s the legal answer and then there’s the more practical answer. Legally, yes, your boss can tell you that you can’t have any personal items on your desk even if the rule is only for you — as long as it’s not based on your sex, race, religion, national origin, disability, or other protected characteristic. (And if it were, your boss wouldn’t need to say that explicitly. If you were, let’s say, the only person of race X and the rule only applied to you and if there had been other forms of harassment/discrimination/hostility toward you, a lawyer could argue that it was part of a pattern of race-based discrimination.) In general, employers steer managers away from having rules that only apply to one person because they don’t want to open themselves up to that form of legal liability, unless the manager can cite a clear need for the rule (like if your desk was always a trash heap and repeated conversations hadn’t worked, your manager might be able to defend the rule on that grounds).

The more practical answer, though, is: What’s going on with your boss? Does your boss treat you differently in other ways too? Appear to dislike you? Not value your work? What’s behind this different rule for you versus everyone else? This is such a weird one-person policy — particularly the pens, unless the pens you brought in from home had, like, naked ladies on them — that I’ve got to think it reflects bigger issues.

As for what to do: HR if it’s a big company and especially if transferring is a possibility (because even if HR strikes down this rule, it’s not in your interests to work for someone who dislikes you). Lawyer if you think it is a pattern of hostility based on a protected characteristic. New job either way, probably.

3. As an interviewer, (how much) should I dress up?

I’m running my first ever interviews next week, and I’m unsure about what I should wear!

Our office is a mixture of casual to business casual, and I’m one of the most informally dressed in the office (for example I wore shorts, hoodie, and a baseball cap to work today). This is all good with everyone as far as I know, and I’m not a massive fan of dressing formally— the only time I’ve really ever worn a suit has been at weddings.

But I don’t feel like I should dress that casually when I’m running an interview— it’s true to the office “dress code” but I feel like if any of the interviewees turn up dressed more formally, which they probably will, their interviewer being dressed super casually would make them feel uncomfortable and overdressed!

How much should I dress up? Would jeans and a button-up shirt be okay? Or trousers and a t-shirt? Or should I go for jeans and a t-shirt as it’s more accurate to what I wear daily? I’m a guy living in London and working in a creative industry, in case it’s relevant.

Ideally you’d share your dress code with the candidates beforehand, saying something like, “Our dress code is casual — people wear everything from shorts and hoodies to khakis and button-downs, so there’s no need to wear a suit.”

But if for some reason that’s not possible, dress how you normally dress, just not the most casual extreme of it (so not shorts and a hoodie). You want candidates to see what the culture is actually like (but you also don’t want them to feel massively overdressed, which is why you’re avoiding the shorts/hoodie end of your personal spectrum).

4. My manager came to my house unannounced

My manager showed up at my house unannounced to deliver treats for our virtual Christmas party. We work remotely and she asked for my address the prior year to send a contest prize I won from a virtual event. While I appreciate the gesture, I never expected her to use my address this way. I don’t consider colleagues my friends and prefer to keep work and personal life separate. Sharing this with loved ones raised concerns. They felt it was inappropriate for her to hold onto my address, especially for a personal visit.

Your manager shouldn’t have shown up at your house unannounced and uninvited — and that goes triple if she rang the bell and hoped to see you in person.

For what it’s worth, this varies heavily by region. People who live in countries with strong data privacy laws tend to be much more shocked by the “she used your address in a way you hadn’t intended” aspect of this sort of thing than most Americans are. And Americans who live in small towns where everyone knows where everyone lives see it as much less of a problem than those who don’t. There also are American companies where she wouldn’t have even needed to have asked you for your address the previous year because she could have gotten it straight from your employee file, and using it to drop off work gifts would have been considered lovely and thoughtful. There are others where that would be considered an invasion of privacy. So there’s a huge regional and cultural component to this.

All that said, unless it’s part of a pattern of oversteps by your boss, I would let it go.