Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I walked in on two managers in a compromising position

I am a newly hired manager. Today I was asked to visit a storage building to pick up some items for staff. I arrived at the building and noticed two other managers’ cars. I unlocked the door to the building and entered — and walked in on the two managers in a compromising situation. I quickly said sorry and walked out, got in my car, and drove to a neighboring parking lot. I waited a while and returned to the building. They were gone. I went in and picked up the items I was sent for and then returned to the office.

The male manager attempted to talk to me about it and I just told him that I didn’t want to talk about it and it wasn’t my business.

I looked in our handbook and there is no mention about employee relationships being prohibited, so I don’t feel that it is my place to spread what I saw around. I don’t want to tattle. I really want to forget what I saw. But I also like my job and don’t want to be brought into drama when this blows up because it will. I am worried that knowing and not saying anything will impact my job. Am I handling this the right way?

If they’re not in each other’s chain of command, you’re free to ignore this. There’s no particular reason to worry you’ll be involved in their drama if it blows up at some point. First, people date coworkers without it blowing up. Second, if for some reason it does blow up, it’s very unlikely that they’d have any reason to announce that you once walked in on them having sex. (What would either of them gain by that?) But if for some reason they did, you’d simply explain that since they’re not in each other’s chain of command, you didn’t think it was any of your business and you preferred (and still prefer) to stay out of it.

(This assumes you’re not senior to them and they’re not in your line of command. If they are, that’s a different conversation — one about their lack of judgment — but it doesn’t sound like that’s the situation.)

2. Reapplying to a department that fired me after a PIP

Seven months ago, I was terminated from my job at a large nonprofit. I worked for them for close to two years. The first year I had one set of duties — the ones I applied for — and even was given a raise after less than a year. But after my manager changed duties, I was also given different tasks to perform. Within three weeks, I was put on a performance improvement plan (PIP) and then fired for failure to perform after 90 days. They just let the PIP run and run until my manager saw enough minor errors to provide the documentation to HR for cover. They were truly minor errors (typos, mixing up names frequently when talking on a Zoom call, etc.). I had deliverables and positive relationships with everyone I worked alongside — but not with two key figures related to my changed duties, one being my direct manager — and the other being a department head who had worked with my manager for 12 years. I worked with two different department heads: one raved about my work, the other one complained to my manager. I believe the “good review” department head was a rival to the one who complained about me, but who knows?

The director of the department (who was hired after me) said he’d be a future reference for me and made some comments to me privately that I had been “screwed” by the situation. I was professional and non-hostile all the way to the end — even when HR screwed up several times by sending me emails announcing my firing before it happened and when my manager accidentally posted to our department Slack that I was on a PiP.

I saw a posting in my old department at the same place. I applied because I was curious what would happen. Also it’s been seven months and I’m out of unemployment. Would HR just deep-six the application? The department I worked in was large, but the job ad wasn’t specific enough for me to figure out who is managing the role. I guess I wondered what my former director or manager or HR might do with someone let go after a PIP? I don’t recall if the termination letter ever said I couldn’t be hired again, but it’s a big place with a highly professionalized HR department.

Does it seem embarrassing to apply for another role in the same (large) department since my ex-bosses still work there? My guess is a lesser HR person hiring will see the resume, take it above them, and watch it get kicked around with the people involved in hiring (and my firing).

It’s pretty unlikely that you’ll be hired back into a department that fired you less than a year ago for performance reasons. Given the history, it also might come across a little oddly to just apply without first reaching out to a contact there, to run the idea by them. If you really wanted to apply, ideally you’d have contacted the director who sounded sympathetic when you left, said you saw the posting and are interested, and asked if he thinks it makes sense to throw your hat in the ring. (And if he did support the idea, this would have the advantage of him possibly helping move you forward.) You can still do a version of that now, adjusting it to say that you applied and weren’t sure if he thought it made sense, but would love to talk about the role if he does.

3. Being charged for guests when you live on employer property

I work seasonally, and in the summers I’m a raft guide in the mountain west. It’ll be my third year working for this company.

They’ve changed their camping/living on property policy every year, and this year we newly have to pay $100/month for camping on site. This gets us a bathroom, water, a cold water sink, and an indoor lounge space (notably no kitchen, shower, or actual living space). Paying for few amenities is industry standard, though not universal in the area, and my managers have explained the new cost as about the land as an asset: They also offer camping to the public at $35/night, and any camping spot we use can’t be sold.

My specific issue is another policy that charges friends or family members who stay with us $20/night. This is if they stay with us, not if they take up any additional space. I have close friends in the area, but who live an hour or more away, who would stay in my camper or in their cars, not taking up any space that would otherwise be sold to the public. My managers have explained this by saying “we even charge our friends and family to camp here,” but I see this as equivalent to charging friends and family to stay in my house that I pay to rent! Do you have any suggestions on how to push back on this?

First, a big caveat: I never camp and I have no idea how this works. I’m happy to try to reason through it, but make sure you’re getting advice from someone who knows the industry, too.

So. Is charging employees for guests standard in the industry? If so, I’m guessing it may be less about charging guests for the specific spot of land you’re already renting and more about charging them for being additional people using the resources of the campground as a whole (since presumably three people staying in one camp site leave more of a footprint than one person does). If that’s the case, I don’t know that you’ll have much success pushing back.

Otherwise, though, your best bet is to push back with a group of coworkers, because multiple voices have more power than one. Also, does your site charge non-employees by the person or the spot? If it charges by the spot, point out that you’re already renting that spot — at a discounted rate because of the labor you provide, but you’ve still rented it just as much a non-employee has rented theirs. But if they charge by the person, I suspect you’re on weaker ground.

4. I’m not allowed to talk directly to a subject matter expert

I work in a state agency as an instructional designer (ID), which means I develop training materials. We IDs typically work with at least one subject matter expert (SME) who helps with content. An SME, Mary, was assigned for my current project — revisions of a few short videos, not a major time commitment.

But I am not allow to communicate with Mary directly. Instead I was instructed to send questions and review links to my boss, who would send them to Mary’s boss, who will send them to Mary. At first I didn’t quite understand (or maybe didn’t quite believe it) and messaged Mary a question. My boss sent me a “polite reminder” that I wasn’t to contact her directly.

Again, Mary was assigned to the project. I’m a pretty reserved, respectful, careful person. I’m also about 20+ years older than either of these managers. I should add that this is not the first time that doing this job has felt like trying to walk with one of those rubber bands around my ankles.

Should I talk to someone about this? There’s a form employees can fill out about concerns, which can be anonymous or not. In the past, I’ve also had a few long conversations about my job with Mary’s boss’s boss, which she encourages.

I’m in a term limited position that ends at the end of September (when I’m pretty much retiring) so there’s not much risk. The gain would be feeling a little less crazy as I finish my time in this job.

No. There could be all kinds of reasons you’re not privy to for why they’ve set it up this way. Maybe Mary has had problems with IDs in the past, and they’ve agreed to this arrangement to appease her. Maybe Mary is a pain in the ass to work with, and things go more smoothly when communication is funneled through her boss. Maybe Mary is swamped and her boss is helping manage her workload. Maybe the two bosses are in some kind of turf war that’s way above your pay grade. Who knows. But it’s not a big enough problem to try to escalate, and definitely not to report anonymously.

At most you could ask your boss why it’s set up that way. And if it’s legitimately causing issues — like if things are being lost in translation or you’re not able to get responses quickly enough — you absolutely should raise those issues with your boss. But if you just object on principle, you’re better off letting it go.

5. What can I tell a coworker about why I’m not advancing a candidate they referred?

I am presently interviewing to fill a role on my team and have had a candidate come through via a referral from one of my colleagues. I decided not to move forward with the candidate because his resume was a disorganized disaster. Obviously I wouldn’t use those words, but would it be fair to tell my colleague that I had ruled out their referral because his written communication skills were not sufficient for the role? Or is this invading the privacy of the candidate?

You’ll typically get better referrals when you explain to people why someone they referred wasn’t a strong candidate for the job. They’ve already opened up a discussion about the candidate by referring them to you; you’re not invading anyone’s privacy by closing the loop on that conversation. And “we really need someone with strong written communication skills for this role, and unfortunately his applications materials weren’t at the bar we needed” is a reasonable thing to say.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Pregnant employee is lying about doing her work

One of my employees is pregnant and has been having a long series of issues at work since the beginning of the year. It shouldn’t matter, but just in case, I am a woman. However, I’ve never been pregnant so this is unfamiliar territory for me.

Her work quality and output has decreased dramatically. She went from being my top performer to my worst. She is no longer able to take the same medication as she usually has, so this is definitely contributing. I agreed to reduce her work expectations 25% early in the year, but she is not able to accomplish the reduced workload, either.

We recently had a discussion about not completing certain types of work because I discovered she had not been doing it at all and was lying about doing so (and tried to deny it). We are allocated 20% of our working time for it. She has missed required meetings due to taking a nap. Every meeting we have begins with, “I’m so tired all the time.” She has chronically zero or negative PTO, and will not work late to make up hours or work on the weekend like others’ on the team (despite the negative PTO). Thanks for any tips or advice you have on managing or coaching in this type of situation.

Pregnancy doesn’t turn people into liars. That’s on her.

Fatigue? Sure. Not having the energy to work more hours to make up ones she’s missed? Sure. Lying, no.

I’m curious what your sense is of what drove that. Was she covering up undone work because she was ashamed and lied in a moment of panic? That’s still not good, but you can work with that more easily than a sustained and/or cavalier lie that she committed to multiple times over a period of months.

Either way, it sounds like time for a serious conversation where you say, “I’m willing to work with you. I’ve reduced your workload to 75% of what it was — and what the rest of the team’s is — but I need you to hold up your end it. That means not missing required meetings or clearing it with me ahead of time if you think you’ll need to, raising it proactively if you’re not able to keep up on work so we can figure out solutions, and — and it’s a problem that I even have to say this — not covering up work that’s not getting done and telling me things are done that aren’t. I’m giving you a lot of grace because you’ve been a top performer, and I’m absolutely open to giving you flexibility during this time, but I need you to work with me. Can we have an honest conversation about what’s realistic between now and your leave and how we can make this work? If we can talk honestly about what you need right now and what the team needs, I think we can move forward. But I don’t know how to make this work if we don’t.”

I was going to warn you that there’s a good chance this won’t resolve when she’s back from leave, because the baby is likely to be exhausting and energy-sapping too … but if she’s able to resume the medication she currently can’t take, that might make a difference. (And if that medication is for ADHD, which it sounds like it might be, shame is very often intertwined with ADHD and could account for — not justify, but account for — the lying.)

2. I want to apologize for snapping at my coworker, but my manager said not to

During a stressful situation last week, I responded to a coworker with an unnecessary amount of snark. Specifically, we work with dogs, and I’d just been bitten (painful, but not serious). The coworker said “Oh, yeah, that dog bites,” and I said “Yeah, no shit.” In hindsight, I recognize she was trying to be helpful, but this coworker often rubs me the wrong way, and it was the end of a long shift. Not my finest moment.

Several days later, my manager casually mentioned that the coworker was upset by my reaction, and that he would try to avoid scheduling us together for a few weeks to let things blow over.

I was going to text her an apology, but my manager specifically told me not to. According to him (and another staff member who was present for the recap conversation), the coworker has a reputation for being “sensitive.” He said she would interpret my apology as evidence of people “talking behind her back.” The manager added that he didn’t blame me for what I’d said, and that he would have said something similar or worse in my situation.

I just checked the schedule, and lo and behold, the “sensitive” coworker and I are working a six-hour shift this week with just each other.

What do I do? I’d like to clear the air before seeing her again, and it feels weird to know she’s upset and not apologize. Presumably, my manager knows her better than I do, but I’m not sure I trust his judgment. This is a very casual working environment, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I behaved unprofessionally, and it feels weird not to acknowledge that.

It wasn’t that unprofessional, in a casual environment. A little sharp, sure — but you’d just been bitten. It would be a lot more unprofessional for your coworker to hold that against you and be weird toward you because of it.

But we also don’t know that she will. She could have felt a little stung in the moment and have gotten over it by now. Wait and see how the shift goes. If she seems upset when you’re in-person, at that point you could say, “I apologize for my reaction last week when Florence bit me. It was heat of the moment, and I didn’t mean to sound upset with you.” That’s a reasonable thing to say if she’s being chilly, and that way you don’t flagrantly do the exact thing your boss told you not to do (text her). And if your boss’s concern about texting was that it would be clear he told you she was upset, this way you’re simply responding to what you see of her with your own eyes.

For what it’s worth, if your boss genuinely thinks your coworker would need several weeks away from you in order to cool off about something so minor, (a) there’s a big problem with this coworker that your boss is being negligent in not addressing, and (b) he shouldn’t have told you he’d schedule you separately and then not followed through, especially without saying anything to you. (If he later realized his idea was an overreaction, which hopefully it was, he should have told you that.)

3. My coworker attacked my boss to me

I was at a social event at my job yesterday, saw a coworker, and asked if he was free after the event to touch base quickly. The conversation went off the rails from there.

We started talking about a long-standing issue in my office that impacts both our teams (a problem with our data fidelity that I’m trying to work on), and I was agreeing with him about the issue. Unfortunately, he took my agreement about this to be agreement that I thought the issue was entirely the fault of my boss. He began to attack my boss, going so far as to say he thought he should be fired, as all he does is collect a salary. I was so shocked that I froze and just made “mhm” noises until another coworker came up to us and I was able to change the topic.

I like my boss! I don’t think the current issues are his fault (he only started in his role about a year ago!), but now this coworker thinks I’m “on his side” about the issues, which I’m vehemently not.

I’m now stuck with two problems: first, I don’t know how to deal with this coworker. He’s not well-liked, and his dislike of multiple team members is well known, but I hadn’t been pulled into it. I’m worried he thinks I’m going to help him, and I need to keep a good working relationship with him. I know that I should have shut the conversation down as soon as it started, but he’s very senior to me, and honestly … I was so surprised at what he was saying that I couldn’t think straight in the moment.

My other worry is that this will get back to my boss. We were at a social event, and if anyone overheard, it would have seemed like I agree with the coworker. After the event, I immediately went and spoke with some trusted coworkers on my team about the conversation, and expressed my horror about it, but some of the possible “overhearers” were people who are very senior to me and not one I would go to to debrief about this. Is this something I should tell my boss? Or do I only bring it up if my boss comes to me? I’ve never been in a position like this before, and I really like both my boss and my job, and I don’t know how to deal with this!

I wouldn’t worry terribly that anyone who overheard thought you were agreeing with your coworker. It doesn’t sound like you said anything bad about your boss, and I suspect this isn’t the only time your coworker has buttonholed someone to unleash his grievances. Yes, ideally in the moment, it would have been better if you had said, “Wow, that’s not my experience with Joe at all” or “I really like working with Joe and don’t think he’s responsible for the problems” … but it’s unlikely that at an event where people were having their own separate conversations, you’ll have come across as if you also were trashing your boss. (But if your coworker raises the topic with you again, make a point of saying those things then.)

You probably don’t need to raise this with your boss. The exception to that would be if you think your coworker will try to be a problem for him, in which case it would be a professional courtesy to say, “Hey, I had a conversation that alarmed me and that I think you should be aware of.” But if your coworker was just griping, you can probably just leave it alone.

4. My coworker keeps pushing me to apply for a transfer I don’t want

I recently finished my master’s degree, and it’s no secret at my employer that I’m now underemployed in my position. I’ve been chasing a couple of internal leads for promotion, but so far, nothing has panned out. My manager doesn’t really understand or value my speciality, and she’s stated outright that she’s not interested in having conversations about my career development or in putting me on projects that would get me working on the things I do (and we have several). Our one-on-one meetings are very task-focused, and if she doesn’t have new work to assign, she cancels them.

A coworker in another department, however, has been very supportive of my need to develop my career. Unfortunately, this has manifested in repeated recommendations to apply for a team with a reputation for toxicity, long hours of putting out fires that could have been prevented if the team would do its research, and unpaid on-call time (we’re all salary exempt). On top of all that, their function isn’t really related to my speciality.

I have no intention of applying with them, and have said as much several times. I’ve also explained why. However, it’s apparently not sinking in with my coworker, who again today advised that I apply for an opening that’s coming up on that team. I don’t know how else to say no, absolutely not, never, I would rather literally set myself on fire than do that job with that group of guys, and I will absolutely leave the company if a move to Toxic Trash Fire Team the only option for “advancement” there. Do you have any suggestions? I don’t know what else to do at this point besides keep up the broken record routine while I continue applying for jobs with other companies.

Keep up the broken record routine while you continue applying for jobs with other companies. “Nope, I’m not interested in working with that department!” “Nope, that team isn’t a good fit for what I want to do.”

And then at some point if you feel like it: “How do I make you believe me when I say I don’t want to work on that team? I don’t know how else to say no.”

But this is one of those problems that becomes much less of a problem if you simply decide you don’t care. Your coworker can keep suggesting you apply to that team, you can keep saying no, and they can’t actually make you do anything differently.

5. Can I ask my previous job to take down old videos I made?

At my previous workplace, a library where I worked through Covid, I was required to create videos almost weekly for our social media pages. There are probably about 40 videos total still up on the Library’s Facebook and YouTube pages.

The problem is that my husband and I are currently in a horrible, aggressive, scary custody battle for his children. Their mother, unfortunately, is struggling with serious mental health illnesses, and their home is no longer safe. In recent weeks, she has begun harassing me online through the constant creation of fake social media profiles. Our lawyer is aware of this, but unfortunately, there is little we can do right now unless she makes an explicit threat. I really hope we can end this case soon, but until then, I am terrified that she’s going to find these videos. Honestly, there isn’t much she could really glean from them, but she’s the type who would absolutely use them to harass and embarrass me in any way possible. Would it be out of bounds to ask my former library to take these videos down? They’re all from 2+ years ago, they are not professional quality in any way, and they truly aren’t anything especially valuable — mostly just short tutorials for craft kits that are long gone.

Explain the situation and ask. Legally they don’t have to agree (since you created as it a work product while you were an employee, they own the videos) but there’s a good chance they will if you explain why you’re asking and especially since they’re for craft kits that the library doesn’t even have anymore. (This would be tougher if they were popular videos that they put a lot of resources into, although even then you could still ask.)

I’m off today. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Ouija board decor at work

I share an office with two other coworkers who seldom see — I work nights, they work days/my days off — so I don’t know them well. One has slowly been adding decoration to the office that is very understated fandom, that you wouldn’t recognize unless you are also a fan (which I am). That’s fine! But today I came in and they’ve replaced the mousepad with a ouija board one and I am weirdly uncomfortable with that. How can I object to it to people I barely know or see, especially without coming off as super religious (since that seems to be the most common objection to it, but I could not possibly be less religious)? Or am I being way too sensitive not wanting it at work?

Nah, you get to be uncomfortable with it. Some people are uncomfortable with ouija stuff for religious reasons, others because it just creeps them out, and others because they don’t believe in what it represents and don’t particularly want symbols of it in their space. All of those are legitimate, as is any other reason you might have.

Do you see this coworker at all, even just in passing? If so, you could say, “Hey, I really like the (name one or two decorations they added that you do like), but I’m weirdly creeped out by the ouija board mousepad. Would you mind if I brought in a different one, or if we just switched back to the other one?”

Worst case scenario, you just switch it out yourself at the start and end of your shift, but a reasonable coworker will get this and be fine with changing it. Reasonable people will not insist other people use objects that are known to bother others (even if she overlooked that originally).

– 2019

2. My coworker keeps nagging me about drinking diet soda

I have a coworker, a retired doctor from Colombia, who wont stop badgering me or making comments when he sees me drinking diet soda. I am unsure of how to approach the situation because he is a director of an overlapping group to the one I work in, which is much higher up than my position (I’m practically entry-level but I’ve been here for almost a year and a half). Although he was an MD before coming to the U.S., he is no longer practicing and is very into alternative medicine and makes it a point to comment on the things that he believes are bad. One example is that he is strongly against microwaves and will comment if he sees anyone heating up their lunch.

His office is very close to where I sit, and it all started about eight months ago when he struck up a conversation about why I was drinking diet instead of regular soda. I have a lot of reasons, some personal taste and others because I have an insulin sensitivity to carbohydrates and sugar. I know diet soda is not great, but I will gladly drink it instead of risking pancreas failure and diabetes before I am 30. Although none of that information is anyone’s business except my own, I don’t feel like I should have to justify my choices even if I didn’t have to take my health into consideration.

My problem is that nothing I say seems to deter his comments, even explaining my health reasons. He’s even gone so far as to question if I want children or not (because he thinks the artificial sweetener will affect my fertility). He seemed taken aback when I told him that I’ve never wanted kids, and even if it did have fertility side effects it wouldn’t change my mind. After my initial rebuttal where I made my stance clear, he has resorted to only quick comments like “Still drinking diet?” or “What’s that on your desk?” when he passes by my desk about once a week, but it is frustrating nonetheless. I’ve tried to explain myself, ignore it, laugh it off, and act like it doesn’t bother me, but it has really begun to get on my nerves the longer it goes.

Ugh. He’s being rude. It doesn’t matter that he’s not practicing medicine here; even if he were, he’s still not your doctor, and thus he’s butting into business where he doesn’t belong.

On the other hand, you may have inadvertently signaled to him that you’re fine with all this — the laughing, explaining, acting like it doesn’t bother you, and engaging with him about your fertility all may have reinforced for him that this is a topic you’re okay discussing. So I think you’ve got to make it clearer that you’re not.

I get that there are hierarchy issues in play, but is this the kind of office where you can just directly say to him the next time, “Hey, can you stop commenting on my soda? Thanks.” Or, “I think we’re done with this debate, so can we put the soda comments to rest?” Or, “I have a ban on soda comments now. The window of opportunity has closed.”

If your office culture is such that you really can’t do that, then I’d try to ignore the offhanded comments (looking slightly incredulous that he’s still talking about it might help, though) and only address it if he starts another real conversation with you about it. If he does the latter, then you can say, “You know, I appreciate the info you’ve shared, but I don’t want to keep talking about it.” And then stick to that — if he keeps trying, keep declining to engage.

– 2017

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Changing into biking clothes in the office bathroom

I’m in my first job as an HR assistant. Many people in the organization are similarly young and we’re generally pretty casual. I have been wondering about the social norms around changing outfits in the bathroom.

One of the great joys I’ve found since starting my job is biking home from work. I usually put my bike on a bus in the morning (wearing my work clothes) and change to bike back. We don’t have another space I could change other than the women’s bathroom. There is a bike room in the building, but anyone can enter at any time and I normally run into a male bike commuter every time I’m there.

People definitely change sometimes in the bathroom (I notice someone doing it like once a month), but if I had my way I’d be biking 2-3 days a week. Are there any tips for what I should and should not do? Am I overthinking this?

Changing in the bathroom is fine and normal! Use a stall so that coworkers aren’t walking in on you in your underwear (don’t be these people), but it’s totally fine to change in the bathroom.

– 2019

4. Our new office toilet paper is terrible

The company I work for had a change over in president recently. This president has a much more significant financial background. Computers went from being upgraded on a certain timeline to only if they break and office supplies all got cheap, including tissues and toilet paper.

The toilet paper we now use is very rough single ply, and it’s causing havoc with my body. Over the weekend when I’m not at work, everything starts to feel better, but then I go back at the beginning of the week and it goes back to hellish uncomfortable conditions. I’ve always been super sensitive to things in that area but I’m a loss what to do. I really don’t want to have to carry toilet paper back and forth between my desk and the bathroom in our open office plans. Do you have any other suggestions for what to do?

You can try talking to whoever orders the supplies and asking if it’s an option to switch back to the previous toilet paper, but chances sound pretty good that you’re going to hear no. If it’s truly terrible toilet paper — like less sensitive people are also dismayed by it — then you might have more luck approaching it as a group. (Which will require you to discreetly ask coworkers you’re close to if they hate the new toilet paper too, which is exactly the kind of conversation I would enjoy but you might not.)

But otherwise, yeah, unfortunately I think you’ll need to bring in your own. Rather than carrying a roll of toilet paper about the office, you could put it in a bag or purse, although I realize that’s still not ideal.

– 2018