It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A patient threatened to hit me

I work as a dental hygienist. I see most patients several times a year and build a relationship with them while providing their care. I love my job and especially love winning over anxious patients who are worried about pain or have had previous bad experiences. I work hard to make sure my patients are comfortable.

Today I had a new patient who was very nervous. At the beginning of the appointment, they expressed how sensitive they are during dental visits and said, “I will scream if I you hurt me.” I 100% understand that anxiety often looks like rudeness, and I spent several minutes discussing options to make the visit as comfortable as possible, we settled on a plan, I applied a desensitizer, and proceeded to clean their teeth. The patient said how easy the cleaning was and that it didn’t hurt at all. Victory! It was time for the next step and I explained what I had left to do, saying that this part should be comfortable and we were done with the hard part. They became very nervous again and repeated, “If you hurt me I will scream,” only this time adding, “And I will hit you.”

I am not okay with this. It is never acceptable to threaten to hit a health care worker who is doing their job, even in a joking way. It felt especially egregious after spending the previous 30 minutes doing everything I could to make the visit comfortable and had already successfully completed most of the visit without causing any pain.

In the moment, I was shocked and I didn’t say anything. I let a long silence fall between us and finished the appointment with minimal further conversation. I am disappointed that I let the comment slide and wish I had conveyed how unacceptable it was, but I was stumped on a response that was firm and clear without escalating the hostility. Hours later, what I came up with was, “It is never okay to threaten to hit me. I am working with you to make this visit as comfortable as I can. If you need to reschedule for another time or another provider, we can do that. But if I am going to finish your appointment today, I need for you to treat me with respect and kindness.” This feels too long and I’m not sure it’s quite right. I’ve thought about some simpler options such as “what a terrible thing to say to me” or “it is never okay to threaten to hit someone.” But those don’t seem like enough. Any thoughts on a script future me can use should this ever happen again?

How about this: “If that’s a real possibility, we should stop here. I can’t continue to treat you if I’m at risk of being hit. Would you prefer to reschedule for another time or with another provider?”

That doesn’t get into respect or kindness, but it does convey the essentials: what they just said was unacceptable enough to bring the appointment to a halt.

It also allows for the possibility that they didn’t mean to be disrespectful but truly were worried about having a physical reflex response. You don’t want to be hit whether it’s by reflex or design, so the response works either way.

2. Should I have told my boss my coworker was job-searching?

A couple of weeks ago, I was on a call with a teammate when they excused themselves to take another phone call, but didn’t mute themselves. I couldn’t hear everything that was said but I quite distinctly heard the caller say, “I see you’ve applied for the position of…,” after which my teammate quickly hung up the call.

I had already expressed to my manager my concerns about their performance and skills. After this call, my manager followed up on this, and I reiterated my thoughts. However, I didn’t mention what I had heard on the phone.

I then went on leave a couple of weeks, and when I came back, my teammate had resigned. Should I have told my manager that I had heard my teammate take a phone call about applying for different positions?

No. People deserve to be able to job search discreetly. It’s not something that rises to the level of “our manager needs to know this.” (In fact, in this case, it sounds like a good thing! Your coworker was in a job they weren’t doing well in, so they looked for and found a new one. That’s good for everyone.)

This does get murkier if you’re in a management position and learn someone is actively working on leaving while you’re planning a major new initiative around their hard-to-replace skills or you suspect they’d stay if they knew about the promotion being planned for them, or similar. Even then, though, it’s an ethical landmine and you need to remember employees can always be thinking about leaving (or have an amazing opportunity fall in their laps), whether you have advance knowledge of it or not. More on that here:

my employee is job-searching — should I tell my manager?

3. Top leadership won’t meet with me

How can I express concerns if top leadership won’t meet with me? I am a director at a nonprofit. There are three tiers of leadership above me. I feel heard by the first two tiers but not the top leadership. I brought my concerns about the workload, employee morale, and overall organization culture to Human Resources, and the VP stated they would attempt to set up a meeting with top leadership but I never heard back. That was two weeks ago and I sent a follow-up email.

They might not be willing to meet with you. If they’re not, then you probably need to be satisfied with having given your feedback to the two levels of management above you.

Whether it would be reasonable for them to decline to meet depends on things like the size of the staff overall, their investment in the topic you want to meet on, what else is competing for their time (a lot, usually), how much capital and influence you have (a long-time, highly valued employee will get a meeting with top leadership more easily than someone new or without much capital), and how much they trust the managers below them to flag feedback they need to hear. Since you’ve already met with two tiers of leadership above you, they could reasonably conclude that’s sufficient; large organizations have layers of management because the people at the top don’t have time to deal with every issue that arises. They might see it as squarely someone else’s job to meet with you on topic X, deal with anything that needs to be dealt with, and pass on to them anything they should be aware of.

That said, I wouldn’t conclude any of that after only two weeks. It can take time to get on a busy exec’s calendar if the issue isn’t time-sensitive. Give it another two weeks and then check back with HR. When you do, ask if the meeting is likely to happen or not; it’s better to know than to be strung along.

4. Should you tell someone they have an error on their resume?

We are hiring for a position on our team, and our manager has asked me and my coworker to review resumes and do short interviews with people who get past an initial interview with the manager.

We just received a resume from someone who says they are good at “building repertoire” with customers. It’s obvious they mean “building rapport.” This role requires very high attention to detail so it stands out.

They also mix tenses in their descriptions of their past jobs — “I do such and such” combined with “I did such and such” on the same former role. That one is not as noticeable and is likely because when they no longer had that job as the most current one, they never went back and updated all of the tenses.

He’s not the strongest candidate for this position but appears to be succeeding pretty well in his current role. I can tell because he’s an internal candidate and I know he received some not insignificant recognition for it. Part of me really wants to help him out by pointing out that he’s using the wrong word but would it be appropriate to do so? More embarrassing than helpful? Does it matter that he’s an internal candidate vs an outside one?

For an external candidate, I wouldn’t. You’ll see a ton of mistakes when you’re hiring and it’s not your role to be people’s job coach. But for an internal candidate — i.e., a coworker — sure. Wait until the process is over, and at that point, reach out and say, “By the way, I noticed these two things that I thought you would want to fix.” (Don’t do it mid-process though. Let things play out first.)

5. People with more accrued vacation have to take more mandatory vacation days

We received notice from management that due to poor forecasted results, mandatory vacations will be required for May, June, and July. Mandatory vacation applies to all employees with over three years of employment:
May – all employees over 100 hours accrued take one day vacation
June – all employees over 150 hours accrued take one day vacation
July – all employees over 200 hours accrued take three days vacation

Is the above legal? I understand the financial benefits, and those employees with the higher balances and over three years employment are probably in the higher end of the salary ranges. But this seems really unfair to the faithful, long-term employees — “thanks for sticking with us, now we’re going to stick it to you.”

Yes, it’s legal. Their reason for doing it is undoubtedly that unused vacation sitting on their books is a financial liability if they have to pay it out when people leave.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps giving me food I can’t eat

Is there a tactful way to ask my boss to stop giving me food-based tokens of appreciation? My boss occasionally gives donuts, cookies, candy bars, or buys pizza for our small work group to show her appreciation. While I know it is the thought that counts, I cannot eat gluten. My boss is aware of this dietary restriction, yet continues to give me the “gift” of gluten-containing items. She is a wonderful manager in many other ways, and but these small tokens leave me feeling annoyed instead of appreciated.

“Would you take me off the list for food items? I can’t eat them so they go to waste.”

Then if she forgets and gives you food anyway, hand it back to her in the moment: “Oh, remember I can’t have this, let me give it back to you for someone else.”

Also, with the pizza for the group, is there something else she could order for you at the same time (ideally from the same place but if not, then from somewhere else)? If so: “I can’t eat pizza, but I’d love it if you included me by getting X on the side so I can participate with everyone else.” If she doesn’t want to do that, so be it, but if she actually wants you to feel included and appreciated rather than excluded and annoyed, you’ll be giving her clear info about how to do that.

2. Employee gave lots of notice, but now we have someone who could replace him

I’m writing this question on behalf of my boss, who owns the company (I’m his EA). One of his employees (Gary) gave notice that he’s moving out of state, likely three to four months from now. My boss has cultivated a workplace where long notice periods are common, because he is known as someone who isn’t going to push someone out early or punish them for giving notice.

However, my boss just learned that a different person (Lance) is interested in working here full-time. My boss has wanted to hire Lance in the past and Lance comes highly recommended. The position is hard to fill as it takes very specific expertise.

In a perfect world, my boss would hire Lance and let Gary just work until he leaves. Unfortunately, we don’t have the budget to have both of them at once. My boss is trying to find solutions to make sure he does right by Gary, while also finding a replacement for him in his hard-to-fill position.

His main solution right now is to have a conversation with Gary to see if he can get a firmer timeline of his departure, especially because he suspects Gary might leave sooner than he originally said. It feels like an imperfect solution, though. Do you have any ideas of how he can navigate this?

Your boss should go back to Gary and be honest: “I appreciate the amount of notice you gave me and I don’t want you to regret doing that. That said, now that I know, it would really help if I can get a better idea of your timeline because I have someone in mind for your role who won’t be available indefinitely, and I want to figure out if he’s even a possibility or not.”

Your boss just needs to be careful not to push Gary out earlier than he wants to leave; if he starts feeling tempted to do that, he should remember that the only reason he even has this potential opportunity to hire Lance is because Gary generously shared his plans early — and that if he’d stuck with a more typical two weeks, this wouldn’t even be coming up. Plus, if other employees get any whiff that Gary got pushed out early, your boss is much less likely to get that kind of early notice from other people in the future.

Related:
what to do when an employee announces she’s resigning … at some point but not now

3. Turning down a lateral move at a lower salary

A couple of months ago, I got very close in the interview process for a more senior position at a different division within my company, at a slightly higher salary. I was told that I was a strong candidate and it was a difficult decision, but they ultimately hired another candidate. It became clear that they already had someone from their department in mind for the role, and were surprised to find another strong candidate in me. The department head encouraged me to apply for the role that the candidate they hired would be leaving, which would be a lateral move with the same title as the one I currently have. There are reasons why I’d be interested in this change, including a bad personality fit with my current boss.

I applied and when they reached out for an interview, I asked the recruiter to check that my current salary would be met in the new role. I was surprised to learn that while they could get close (higher than the starting salary listed on the job post), it would be a small pay cut from my current salary, rolling me back to the salary I had one cost-of-living-increase ago. I agreed to an interview to assess if the role would be a better fit for me, but was asked to let them know if I wasn’t interested after the meeting so they can move on in their search. It went well and I think there would benefits, including a more experienced manager and more room for career growth. After the interview, I felt good about the prospect and told the recruiter I’d accept the position if offered it. But after thinking about it over the weekend, I can’t get over that it might come at a small but real material loss to my income.

Do I have any leverage here to negotiate a salary match if given a job offer? How is this complicated by me wanting to leave my current role? It seems doubly painful since I know I’m qualified for a more senior position. But on the other hand, they have shown themselves to have a preference for hiring people from within their department — but then again, is it fair of them to ask me what that’s worth to me? Help me wrap my head around this!

Sure, it’s fair for them to ask that. They’ve already agreed to increase the salary but their budget is their budget, and if it won’t work for you, it’s reasonable for them not to want to waste anyone’s time.

If you wouldn’t take the job at the salary they’re offering, tell them that now. They asked you explicitly to let them know and you told them you’d accept, so if you’ve changed your mind about that, you need to tell them. If you go through their whole process and then try to negotiate more money at the end — after they were up-front and asked you if they should be focusing on other candidates — it’s likely to reflect poorly on you. Right now it’s early enough in the process that you can simply say, “After thinking about it more, I’m very interested but couldn’t take a pay cut from where I am now.”

4. A company asked me to keep checking in for updates … how often should I contact them?

I’m currently job hunting, and I recently interviewed with a company that wasn’t hiring immediately. They were very transparent that they didn’t have a position open immediately and that it could be months before a something became available. The interview went really well, with the interviewer encouraging me to check in often for updates.

That was two weeks ago, and I sent a follow up today asking for updates. They responded that the interview went well, but there wasn’t anything new on their end.

How often should I be following up? After that initial follow up, I was thinking monthly.

Should I respond to the email to say thanks? And should I do that with each of their updates? I don’t want them to think I’m rude for not saying thanks, but it feels excessive (I’d imagine most updates are going to be a short “Sorry, no updates”) and I don’t want to clutter their inbox.

Checking in monthly would be way too often. Every two to three months is the absolute most frequently you could do it without seeming annoying (and don’t do every two months like clockwork; vary it). If they have an open position that you’re a strong candidate for, they’re going to remember the person who’s been in touch within the last few weeks without you reminding them so frequently that you exist.

And sure, it’s fine to respond to their emails to say thanks, now and in the future.

5. Applying to two different jobs at the same company

I’ve worked in IT customer support my whole career, but I enjoy and am much better at the customer support side of things than I am dealing with IT systems.

Last week I saw that a local company had just posted a role for an IT department manager. Parts of the role seemed appealing to me and fit my profile quite well, so I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring to see what happens. I wrote a nice cover letter that I’m hoping will get me at least a phone conversation with the hiring manager and later got a response explaining how the company doesn’t use automated processes to review applications and that a real human would soon get back to me. However, the very next day, a customer service manager role was posted, and now I’m absolutely kicking myself because I know I’m a much better fit for this role and I would have definitely applied for it over the IT manager one if they were both presented to me.

My partner thinks I should sit tight and wait to hear from someone on the IT role, but a friend said I should apply for the customer service role as well, so now I’m torn. What should I do?

Apply for the second one. Just make sure you write a letter that speaks very specifically to the second role and isn’t generic. If it’s a small company, you should also explicitly address that you applied for the IT manager job, but you’re also throwing your hat in for this one because (reasons). If it’s a large company, you likely don’t need to do that but at a smaller one, the same people may be reading your application for both and you’ll be better off explaining it head-on. (It shouldn’t be lengthy or defensive, just a sentence or two that explains why you’re applying for two seemingly very different jobs.)

Don’t take your partner’s advice to wait until you’ve heard back on the IT job, because you risk the window closing on the one you want more.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps pulling on my ponytail

I started a new part-time job at a restaurant a few months ago. I like it, for the most part, and I like the managers. But one of them, Phil, has a rather odd habit. He semi-regularly tugs (hard!) on my ponytail, which I am required to wear by policy and sanitation standards. The context of when he does it comes across as playful/friendly, for example when saying hello upon first seeing me that day or while laughing after I made a joke. I was extremely shocked the first time it happened and thought I’d gotten my hair caught on something before Phil made a comment (it was a “hi, nice to see you” hair tug as while I was passing through the kitchen).

This has happened six times since I started in March, which now that I write that down seems excessive for my short tenure and part-time status. I don’t know how to go back and reset this completely bananas boundary without it making things awkward. I suspect he doesn’t realize how hard he’s pulling and would at least be more gentle if I asked him to be, but I also think he’d be offended if I asked him to stop all together. I’ve definitely heard him complain about other staff members behind their backs, although usually for justifiable work reasons that I’ve seen firsthand, so maybe he’d take it in stride and I’m just catastrophizing. The power dynamics and gender roles make it feel so daunting to bring up. Do you have any suggestions?

Hopefully you’re just catastrophizing, because someone who takes offense to being asked to stop causing someone else physical pain … would be a serious problem as a human, let alone as your boss. Right now, though, there’s no reason to think Phil will take offense to a perfectly reasonable request. The fact that he complains about other employees’ work means he’s indiscreet (and maybe sucks at managing people), but not that he’s a bully who will ignore a direct request to stop pulling your hair.

(Of course, one could argue that the fact that he’s pulling your hair at all means he’s a problem — that’s not okay behavior — but if I’m reading your letter correctly, he thinks it’s playful and being well-received. Which is bad judgment, but not inherently the sign of a bully.)

So, the next time he does it: “Ouch! That really hurts — please stop.”

That’s the soft version. If Phil is a decent person, he’ll be mortified that he hurt you and will stop.

If the soft version isn’t enough to stop the hair-tugging, move to “Stop touching me.” Say it in a serious tone and don’t soften it with a smile. You need to remove any ability for him to read it as playful jesting in return; make it clear you mean it.

Assume that will take care of it. If it doesn’t, there’s a bigger problem with Phil — but so far, we have every reason to assume that simply telling him to stop will take care of it.

I do want to flag that there might be a bigger issue playing out on your side: you’re concerned you might offend someone if you ask them to stop causing you physical pain. Any chance you tend to be overly deferential to people with power, or to men, or to some other dynamic in play here? Because that’s not something you should ever need to worry about without the person giving you a specific reason to fear it.

2. My boss hates babies, and I’m pregnant

I have a good relationship with my boss and we work closely together. They are very staunchly child-free, which I have no issue with, but they have shared some very anti-baby/anti-mother sentiments that have made me worried about how they will react to my news. As a specific example, when another member of our department said they will never have kids, my boss responded “oh good, I hate kids!” My boss has also made comments about how pregnant people are always making excuses and are lazy.

I’m early in my first trimester and am not telling anyone yet, but when I eventually have to say something, I’m worried about how my boss will react. I have tried to lay the groundwork over the past year of mentioning that my husband and I will “eventually” have a child so the announcement won’t be a huge shock. Do you have any advice on how to break the news? No one in my department has kids, so I don’t have anyone to turn to for advice. To clarify, I don’t think my boss would become retaliatory, I’m more worried about making things awkward around the office if I approach this wrong.

You shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells around your pregnancy announcement! So first and foremost, your boss has seriously messed up by creating an environment where people working for them dread announcing a pregnancy. (Particularly those comments about how “how pregnant people are always making excuses and are lazy.” First, WTF? Second, great way to create a legal liability for the company if someone happens to bring a pregnancy discrimination claim down the road. Third, WTF?)

Anyway. Sometimes the best way to share news that you think the other person will react to inappropriately is by just proceeding as if of course they will have a normal and reasonable reaction because you trust them to be a normal and reasonable person (even when you don’t). Sometimes that sends cues to the other person about how they need to respond if they wish to be seen as normal and reasonable. Your boss may not be in that group, but it’s a reasonable place to start. So: when you’re ready to announce, don’t tiptoe around it; be matter-of-fact, direct, and cheerful. “I have news I’m excited about. I’m pregnant and due in December. We can talk about my plans for leave closer to that time, but I want to let you and the team know.”

If your boss says anything inappropriate in response, feel free to let your face convey “that was wildly out of line.” Out loud say, “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. Moving on…” Or even, “For the sake of HR and legal, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” But if there’s anything inappropriate from them after that, talk to HR. It’s illegal for your boss to create a hostile workplace based on your pregnancy, and any decent company would be grateful for the chance to know one of their managers is this out of line so they can shut it down.

3. How do I accept praise when I don’t think it’s warranted?

I started consulting after only a couple of years in the workforce once I realised my autism and severe ADHD makes it impossible to hold down a permanent job. This has worked out really well. I specialize in project work and short-term contracts (if it were up to me, I’d never take a role longer than eight weeks). This means I’m not usually anywhere long enough to get really bored and it doesn’t matter that I don’t fit into the office culture.

The last couple of years there have been fewer of these very short-term jobs and less project work available, meaning I’ve been in jobs four or five months at a time. This is definitely long enough to get bored. Once the interest of learning a new job wears off, I stop trying hard at work. I always get things done, but I don’t put any extra effort in.

But my clients keep praising me. Even though the work is easy and I’m not trying very hard. I hate getting praised, especially in front of other people, double-especially when I haven’t done anything to deserve it.

I’m finishing my current contract soon, which will mean a morning tea and the GM talking about how great it’s been to have me. This GM has been so lavish in his praise I’m wondering if I actually have done well; it feels more like the patronizing “Oh well done, aren’t you clever” that adults trotted out when I was 10 and had gotten my coat on without help. But assuming he does mean it, how should I respond? I know I shouldn’t say “It was easy for me” or “But that’s just what you hired me for.” So far, I’ve just said “Thanks” and sat there like a potato. Is that enough? What do the neurotypicals want from me in this situation?

Some options:

• “It was my pleasure.”
• “I’m glad it was helpful!”
• “You’re very welcome.”
• “I was happy to help.”

Any of those will be appropriate and received well.

Also, keep in mind that clients aren’t necessarily thanking you because they think the work was incredibly hard. They’re thanking you because it was very helpful to have you do it.

Related:
I don’t know how to accept compliments graciously

4. I met a candidate’s counteroffer and they asked for even more

I’ve made an offer to a job candidate who is a compromise candidate — not the best in the list of finalists, but the one who makes the most people happy. I’m not fully comfortable with this, but I’m trying to think of the long-term buy-in by my team. All the finalists were deemed acceptable, but the team had strongly conflicting preferences, and this is the person that checks the most boxes for the most people involved in the search and on the team.

My question, though, is about negotiations. I offered a competitive salary. The candidate came back asking for a modest increase. I was able to secure this increase and change the offer to the exact amount they asked for. Instead of accepting the revised offer, the candidate is coming back now asking for more. (I’m fudging the details a bit to keep this anonymous, but they gave a personal reason, along the lines of “my kid is going to college in the fall and I need to make a deposit on their housing fees this summer.” This strikes me as a good reason to want more money, but maybe not the best argument for why someone deserves a higher salary.)

How long is it prudent to continue to negotiate with a lowest-common-denominator candidate that I feel lukewarm about? If someone asks for more, gets it, and then asks for more beyond that, should I continue to entertain these incremental salary request increases? When does a job candidate’s request for a better offer become tantamount to declining an offer?

I wouldn’t continue to negotiate at all. You made an offer, they asked for more money, you came up to the exact amount they asked for. That should be it. Their request for even more makes them look flaky and like they weren’t negotiating in good faith the first time. I’d be hesitant to continue at this point even if they were a great candidate, but for someone you’re already lukewarm about? The only reasonable answer is, “We’re not able to go up any further. If the offer doesn’t work for you, I of course understand.”

Also, if you’ll be the person managing this hire, you should make the final decision on who you think will perform best in the role. Absolutely take other people’s input into account, but if you’re the one ultimately responsible for their success, you’re the one who should make the call you think is right.

5. Interview identity flub

I was recently in a second (and final) round interview on Zoom for a team lead position at the parent organization for my field, and when the interviewer put a long, multi-part question in the chat I saw that there was another candidate’s name listed in the title of the Zoom meeting!

I am in a very small and tight-knit field (there are about a thousand of us total in the U.S. and Canada), so I’m familiar with this other candidate (who has a unique not Jane Smith-y name).

Because it happened mid-interview, I feel like a floundered a bit on my next answer, sort of waiting to see if anyone else in the interview (three interviewers) was going to acknowledge what was there. They never did, and I re-centered eventually and moved on.

Should I have said something in the moment when it was throwing me for a loop? Or after the fact? Or is this one of those things that it’s most polite to just pretend isn’t happening? I have no doubt it was just a copy/paste error when creating the calendar invite for my interview, but I keep second-guessing myself about my decision to just ignore it. (And, if this context matters at all, this is a very relationship-oriented field with high expectations around collegial behavior and interaction.)

Is there any chance they had a scheduling mix-up and thought you were actually the other candidate? You probably know if this is or isn’t the case — if they called you by your correct name, referenced things that wouldn’t be on the other person’s resume, etc., then they know you are you and not the other person. And in that case, it’s just a clerical error, like that someone copied over the info from the other candidate’s interview when setting up yours and forgot to change it. That’s no big deal and doesn’t require you saying anything.

On the other hand, if looking back you realize that absolutely nothing was said that couldn’t have been said to Morgana Bumbleberry too, then ideally you would have confirmed in the moment — “I just want to make sure you know I’m Nicolina Warbleworth, despite the name on the screen.”