Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Canceling a women’s group because of DEI concerns

I’m a PhD student and it seems like my university is trying to cancel the Women in Computer Science networking group that I run. They’re going about it in a really weird way: rather than directly saying “this is illegal D.E.I.,” they’re trying to send us on a bureaucratic runaround to maintain the status quo of funding and booking rooms. We’re in New England, so I suspect it would be locally unpopular to bluntly state that they’re cancelling women’s groups due to D.E.I. How do I fight this? Just delay, delay, delay until this political storm blows over? Fight it head on? Go to the press?

Go to your campus media, and possibly your local media. That’s outrageous.

The only DEI that’s “illegal” is giving a preference to one demographic group over another; gathering to support a particular group or to discuss issues affecting them is not illegal, even under the new federal directives that have been issued. This is a crock.

2. Are minimum requirements really an absolute minimum?

I’ve read your advice that it’s usually okay to apply if I meet about 80% of the qualifications for a job, but does the category of qualifications matter? When job postings split their criteria into “minimum” and “ideal,” is it fine to apply to jobs where I don’t (exactly) meet the “minimum”?

For example, a job will say a candidate “must have (a) five years of experience working with Role; (b) three years of experience in Environment; (c) two years of experience doing Work; and (d) familiarity with This, That, and The Other.” And that “an ideal candidate” would also have qualities/experience (e-h).

I’ll have (b-g) but (a) is iffy: say they want someone with five years experience working with C-level executives and I have five years with directors, or my relevant experience was 15 years ago in a job that isn’t on my resume because it’s otherwise completely unrelated to my current career. I have been applying anyway, addressing the discrepancy in the cover letter, but am I right to still apply?

Yes. If you didn’t have anything near (a), then it wouldn’t make sense to apply since that’s listed as a minimum requirement. But your experience is close enough that it’s reasonable to throw your hat in the ring. It could turn out that they’re being absolute rigid about that requirement, but there’s frequently room for some flexibility of interpretation if you have all the other qualifications. You can’t really know from the outside whether that will be the case or not, but you’re close enough to it that if you’re interested, you should apply.

Related:
should I apply to jobs I’m not fully qualified for?

3. Taking sick leave for emotional upset

I’m wondering your take on something I did a few years ago. I had something very upsetting happen in my personal life and was having a hard time focusing on work; I basically wanted to curl up and cry all day. I work remotely and had a light day — two meetings and no urgent to-dos. I went to both of the meetings but other than that didn’t do any work and used PTO to cover the hours.

To me, this felt like the mental health equivalent of a bad cold. I could have powered through and worked a full day, and I would have if needed. But on that particular day I didn’t need to, so I chose to take it easy. (I was back to work the next day.) What do you think?

That’s a completely legitimate use of a sick day. Mental health is part of your health!

Related:
what do I say when I’m calling in sick for a mental health day?

4. Can I just use the phonetic pronunciation of my name as my digital name?

I have a name that’s pronounced differently from the typical pronunciation. Let’s say my name is Aron – pronounced like A-Ron, not like “Erin.”

Coworkers call me A-Ron, until they see an email exchange with my name spelled Aron and now they call me “Erin.” Would it be okay if I changed my digital signature to A-Ron, so that people (coworkers and clients) will stop making their own assumptions about how to pronounce my name based on how it’s spelled? This is so frustrating to me, to have people who use to call me A-Ron, suddenly start calling me “Erin” because they saw my name in print.

Does anyone care if my digital name is legally correct? Going a step further, what are the legalities when I am writing a contract? I assume that I would use the correct spelling of my name to sign. But would I place the phonetic spelling in the contract, so that people see it and continue to call me by the correct name?

The phonetic pronunciation isn’t normally included in my business emails, but I do include it in my personal email account.

It’s going to cause problems and confusion if you spell your name one way in emails but need it spelled a different way on official forms and contracts (or work travel arrangements that someone else makes for you, etc.). But the solution for work emails is the same solution you’re already using in personal emails: include a note with the phonetic pronunciation in your signature. So your sign-off would be:

Aron Porcupine (pronunciation: A-ron)

That’s not uncommon to do if you have a frequently-mispronounced name, and it should solve a lot of it. You’ll also need to be willing to correct people in the moment if they mispronounce it, though.

5. Can I accept a job offer on the spot?

Can I accept a job right away if I’m sure I want it?

The context: There is one university in town, and I’ve been fairly certain for several months now that (a) it’s the only place better than my current position regularly posting jobs and (2) I want to leave my current position. I’ve applied for several jobs at the university over the past year, interviewed for two before this one, and been a finalist for one, so I’ve already talked to HR about their benefits and PTO. The salary range is available online. I would have twice as much maternity leave. I already know I want the job.

Assuming there are no surprises such as a lower salary than I expect, is there any reason I should delay and ask for a day or two to think it over? I am planning to negotiate salary right away if offered the job.

If you already feel confident you want to accept, there are no surprises in the offer, and there are no additional questions you need answered before making up your mind, there’s no reason you can’t accept on the spot (or begin negotiations immediately)! A lot of people do that.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Boss said, “Well, someone’s parents didn’t love them” about me

In preparation for a team-building retreat, all employees in my department were asked to submit a baby photo for a “match the baby photo to the employee” icebreaker activity. The request for baby photos was framed as a requirement, not an opt-in request. I wasn’t able to get a baby photo because my mom is my only living family, and we are estranged. The request stirred up some *feelings* and left me feeling pretty crummy for a few days. I considered saying something to my boss about how this required activity might be a little rough for some people (for a variety of reasons!), but I decided to just be easy-going about it. Instead of a baby photo I submitted a cute baby animal picture instead.

The actual retreat activity involved going through each photo individually on an overhead monitor with the group guessing who the photo belonged to. My boss was “emcee-ing” the activity with a running commentary on all the photos. My baby animal photo came up and my boss commented, “Well, someone’s parents didn’t love them” (!!!). The thing is, my boss is actually normally a really wonderful boss that I think very highly of! I know it was just a dumb off-the-cuff remark. But of course it still really hurt and has stuck with me.

So my question is: should I say something to my boss? Mostly I just want to let it go. But it’s been eating away at me — I fear this is going to negatively impact the way I interact with my boss in the future. If I did say something, what would I even say? I’m sure my boss would be absolutely mortified and feel horrible if I revisit this with her.

She should be mortified. That is an appropriate consequence for what she said, and it’s a fair consequence even if she is a lovely person who just had a brain blip in the moment and didn’t think about the ways that remark could land — not only for people estranged from family, but foster kids who don’t have photos from their childhood, people who experienced other trauma at that age and so their early years are not happy memories, and more. Even aside from her remark, this particular game is a bad idea to play at work for those reasons.

You could say this to her: “I know you intended it to be a light-hearted comment, but it really bothered me. I don’t know if you realized how that game, and that remark, would be experienced by anyone who’s estranged from their family, or someone who grew up in foster care, or people from other rough situations. I know you’d never want to be hurtful, so I wanted to share how it landed with me.”

It’s okay if she feels bad about it. Sometimes that’s how we learn lessons.

2. How do I work with a former manager I can’t stand?

This is probably the pettiest question you’re getting from a federal worker right now, but: What is the absolute bare minimum of courtesy you can give to a coworker you’re now trapped in the office with since there’s no telework?

For context, said coworker is my former supervisor, with whom I had such an incredibly bad relationship I got to move to another team as part of an EEO settlement. This was after she filed disciplinary charges against me, which prompted me to charge her with workplace harassment. All those proceedings are still ongoing, but she hasn’t been my supervisor for about a year.

Anyway, it’s a small office and everyone knows everyone, and she and I are still in the same even smaller work unit, so I’m going to have to break my vow to never speak to her again. How can I prep so I can act professional with someone who made my life a misery for years?

You do need to be civil, because it would be unprofessional not to — and that would reflect on you, not her, no matter how justified your dislike. You don’t need to socialize with her or initiate small talk, but if she says “hello” or “good morning” or similar, you need to return the greeting, and if she asks how your weekend was or otherwise initiates chat, you need to be courteous in responding. You don’t need to be warm, and you don’t need to answer with anything other than something bland and neutral, but you can’t freeze her out. A good litmus test to have in your head is: if someone who didn’t know anything about either of you or the history observed the interaction, would you appear rude or not?

To mentally prepare for encountering her again, it might help to frame it for yourself as you being the bigger person: you will be civil to her because you are a professional person and she can’t change that about you, and also because you aren’t going to give her the power to make you look bad in front of others.

3. Lecturer said “fuck consent” about using AI for creative work

After a decade working full-time in an office, I went back to school last year to finish my bachelor’s in art and design. In a lecture series class last week, a professional graphic designer straight-up told 200 college students that if they don’t use generative AI in their creative work, they will be irrelevant and essentially fail. He then went on to showcase professional work he and his company made using AI, and spoke about how a project that they wanted to make using only AI was “unfortunately” scrapped (for not complying with fair use laws — apparently the art they stole used was too distinctive).

I am still in shock over the fact that a professional designer, with a successful company, admitted out loud with no shame that he uses AI to create the work he gets paid for. When I asked if he had any concerns about AI using artwork that has been illegally scraped from the internet, he said, and I quote, “Fuck consent.” And the professors backed him up! They said that AI is “just a tool, like a camera, or Adobe software,” and we have to “use our own moral compass” in deciding if we’ll use it or not. Astounding. For what it’s worth, I find the ethical and environmental effects of AI to be completely detrimental, and really have no respect for the lecturer or my professors in saying that these issues don’t actually matter.

I’ve been pondering if I have any ethical standing to name-and-shame this company and creator, or create Google/Glassdoor reviews (anonymously). I want to, but I also wonder if using AI this casually in professional creative settings is becoming the norm. I’ve been telling everyone I know about this company, because holy crap, the blatant disregard and disrespect shown to the students who spoke up about the problems with AI was the most unprofessional thing I think I’ve ever seen. And if I were thinking of working with this graphic designer, I’d want to know if they were using AI for the work I’m paying them to create. Is this an absolutely wild urge? Am I completely out of line? I guess I’m just wanting a reality check because I feel like I have to do something to counteract the absolute insanity of the lecture.

AI is becoming common in many settings, but that doesn’t mean that its use shouldn’t be disclosed to clients who presumably believe they’re paying for original and proprietary work, and it definitely doesn’t mean that artists who don’t use it will be irrelevant and fail (WTF?). Also, anyone who stands before a class of students and says “fuck consent” (on pretty much any issue I can think of, including this one) should be named and shamed, disavowed, and never invited to speak anywhere again.

Your professors aren’t wrong that people have to “use their own moral compass” in deciding if they’ll use AI or not, but there are still many, many situations where its use would be objectively wrong (or even just prohibited).

Maybe you can ask that your class bring in someone to speak to the counterpoint on this issue.

4. How to answer “can we contact your manager” when you have no contact information for them

So my most recent, non-current job was a temporary government contract, we only spoke to our supervisors on company phones, and the contract has since been terminated and presumably most of the contractors have scattered to the four winds (very common with this type of contract).

What should I put when future employers ask if they can contact a supervisor? Other than that, the most recent job I’m still at and the one before that I left about 10 years ago. So far I’ve been trying with old bosses who no longer work for my current company but there’s not many of them (and sadly, soon to be one less) so I feel like it seems a little sketch to have no recent contactable references.

When applications ask if they can contact a previous supervisor, they’re asking about your permission, not how easy it will be. Answering no risks being interpreted as “I left this company on bad terms” and/or “this manager will say bad things about me.” So you should answer yes, they have your permission. Whether or not they will succeed if they try is a different question. (However, if they’re asking your permission to contact a current manager, that’s a different question and it’s fine to say no to that; that’s common since people’s managers often don’t know that they’re looking.)

More here:
stop saying “no” when job applications ask “can we contact this manager?”