Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My friend’s job offer was pulled after he was a jerk

My friend Howell recently signed the contract for a new job, but was dismissed before he started for aggressive behavior to coworkers. The backstory is this: he needed to pass a medical before starting and after he passed the medical his employer was slow to confirm that they had received the certificate and give him a start date. He emailed the employer about this, and when he didn’t get a response he phoned the company receptionist, shouted at her when she couldn’t put him through to HR, and, as I interpret the story, bullied her into giving a number for HR. He then called HR and spoke to various women who said he wasn’t in their region and they didn’t have access to his file. The way he tells the story sounds as if he told them robustly that he believed they were lying. He then got an email saying that the job offer had been withdrawn due to his behavior to colleagues. He says they are all passive-aggressive misandrists and he wouldn’t want to work for them anyway.

The backstory to this is that Howell has been unemployed for about three years and I had encouraged him to apply for this job for which he has the skills and qualifications. It’s with a big company in the industry I work in, although fortunately there is no way the people I work with will connect me to him. Is there anything Howell can do to repair this and apply for other roles with the company and any advice I could give him? It now appears to me that the reason he has been made redundant a few times and had a slow job search may be more due to personality than the job market.

There’s nothing Howell can do to get considered for a role at that company again. He should send an email apologizing for his behavior simply because that’s the right thing to do, but it’s extremely unlikely they’ll ever consider him again after he bullied and shouted at a receptionist and accused multiple employees of lying. It can take far less to put someone on a “do not hire” list. (And really, would you feel comfortable if you discovered your own company was considering hiring a candidate who behaved like this? These consequences are logical ones and warranted by what happened.)

As for advice to Howell … he needs to do some significant work on his temper and the way he treats people. Personally, I advise reconsidering whether you want to maintain a friendship with someone who believes women who don’t do what he wants are “misandrists.”

2. Is my girlfriend’s CEO overstepping?

My girlfriend works as an executive assistant to the CEO in a mid-size company she joined three months ago. She tells me her male CEO often compliments her on her outfit, how amazing she is, that he doesn’t know what he’d do without her, etc. Also that she’s made him change his dress code to be more stylish.

Over the last few weeks, she’s planned a larger company event at an out-of-state resort. It all went well and during the event her CEO gives her a gift card to a back massage at an exclusive spa close to her home. I find the gift too personal and that the CEO is overstepping. My girlfriend laughs it off and tells me nothing is going on between them. What do you think?

Do you trust your girlfriend? Nothing here is inherently inappropriate.

I originally had written an additional paragraph that said: “Does your spidey sense normally go off when your girlfriend has warm interactions with other men in her life? If not but something is setting off alarms this time, there might be a conversation to have here. But you need to navigate it carefully so you don’t put your girlfriend in a position where she feels pressured to quit a job where nothing inappropriate is happening. (You also don’t get to take repeated bites at that apple; you’d pretty much have to hear her out and decide how you feel about her response, not keep raising it.)” But re-reading your letter, the details you included just don’t warrant that. She has a warm relationship with the CEO she supports — something the CEO/assistant relationship often lends itself to — he appreciates her work. She’s the best person best equipped to judge if the vibe feels off, and she says it doesn’t. Unless there’s more to it, this is just not alarming.

3. Why don’t people say thank you?

I work on an in-house “service” team (think communications deliverables) in a larger group that sits within an even larger organization. I am in a senior director role, but fundamentally I still work for others, so my day-to-day consists of creating things (or overseeing the creation of things) and sending them out to people in our larger organization for “review and feedback.” It’s exhausting, but it’s what I signed up for.

I am consistently surprised by the way people respond to having something they asked for (and that serves a key role in the business) sent to them. When did people stop saying thank you? When did people stop acknowledging the creation of work? When did people stop being … nice?

It doesn’t matter to me if you decide to change every part of the work, the “thank you” part is important. Am I expecting too much? If people are doing what they’re being paid to do, does that mean they are not entitled to be thanked? I’m noticing this behavior more and more. Is this a workplace trend, or is everyone in my organization just a jerk?

How do these same people treat you generally? Are they respectful and decent, or demanding and rude? If they’re generally respectful, then yeah, I think you’re putting too much emphasis on the thank-you; for whatever reason, that’s not the culture in your organization. It might be because people are busy, or they figure their appreciation goes unsaid (not necessarily a great stance, but a common one), or they simply see creating these materials as part of your job and not something that requires specific thanks from them.

To be clear, if they were writing in, I’d recommend they take two seconds to thank people who fulfill requests for them — but on your end of that transaction, I think you’ll be happier if you focus on how you’re treated generally at this job and by these teams, and not so much on specific individual thank-you’s.

Related:
Coworkers who don’t say “please” or “thank you”

4. Was this recruiter using me for insider info?

My job is fine — not great but fine. I’ve decide to look into what other jobs are out there, just to see, so I’ve been replying to recruiters messaging me on LinkedIn.

I had a call today with a recruiter in my space and got asked some odd questions mixed in with expected ones: “How is your team structured at the moment?” The recruiter then mentioned knowing some people in my company, including my current boss by name.
Later on, I was asked, “Do you have any projects coming up over there?”

At the time I thought this was checking on whether I would be available to change jobs. But thinking back on it, we brought in an extra team member on a short-term contract for a large project last year. Was this a sneaky way to see are there any jobs coming up on my team? Or am I overthinking?

Yeah, this was almost certainly a recruiter trying to get intel they could use to try to get business from your current company. Some recruiters do that almost as a matter of course — it’s as if it’s built into their business model — and would still do a perfectly fine job representing you, but it’s also reasonable to be annoyed by it. (I would be! You hadn’t agreed to provide info for that purpose.)

5. How much should I tell my brother’s manager about his hospitalization?

I am my brother’s medical power of attorney, and he is in the hospital with both a heart issue and alcoholism. The heart issue was discovered when he was brought to the hospital with a very high blood alcohol content and threatening suicide.

He had notified his manager that he was in the hospital but has now lost phone privileges. I’m in a different city and trying to navigate until I can get to him.

I do have his manager’s contact info. Should I notify her that he is in the hospital and leave it at that? Should I mention the heart issue? I don’t want to mention the alcoholism due to the ongoing stigma that still, unfortunately, accompanies mental health and addiction issues. (If it makes a difference, we are in the U.S.)

Definitely don’t mention the alcoholism; that’s not a decision you should take away from your brother. You don’t really need to be specific about the heart issue either. You can simply say he’s hospitalized with a medical issue and not able to talk by phone and that you will keep his manager posted once you have better information regarding his return to work (or until he’s able to do that himself). Stick to the stuff that’s relevant to them — he’s out, he’s in the hospital, you’ll know more by X date, but not specific medical information.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m in a family business with a cheater

My wife’s sister owns a business with her boyfriend. We are all really close. I do art for their business and I created their logo. Recently my sister in law unraveled a web of lies in regard to her boyfriend. He’s been cheating on her for over a decade. He says he’s a sex addict. She initially kicked him out but kept the business going with him because it’s their livelihood. They are always doing deliveries on short notice and basically talk business 24/7. He is a total mess on keeping anything organized or written down for finances. He is a good salesman though. She ultimately decided to get back with him.

I don’t like him and I don’t want to do art for their business because he would benefit. I’m struggling on how to tell her this.

I think you could simply be honest: “I’m struggling with the way he treated you, and it’s made me realize I shouldn’t be wrapped up in the business anymore. Mixing business and family is complicated under the best of circumstances, and this has made it harder. So I’m going to step out of the business pieces, but I can do anything you need over the next two weeks to wrap up loose ends or help you look for someone new.”

2. I don’t want to be the face of my company’s recruitment campaign

My company is embarking on a recruitment publicity campaign and has asked me to be the face of my job.

I’m hesitant for many reasons — I don’t think I’m actually a good fit for my role (I find it overly administrative), I don’t particularly like my company (I disagree with some of the employment policies they have), and I am actively taking steps to look for other opportunities.

I’ve tried explaining to them that I am uncomfortable with being part of the campaign as I value my privacy. Furthermore, I’m recovering from a medical issue and do not feel or look 100%. But they refuse to let me off. So far, I’ve been avoiding replying HR on my availability but I know I cannot escape them for long. What can I do to make them back off and maintain my job here till I find something new?

Say this: “I’ve given this some thought but it’s not something I can do. That answer is final — thanks for understanding.” If they keep pushing after that: “It’s making me really uncomfortable that you’re not respecting my answer.”

It’s obnoxious for them to push anyone to do this who has already declined, but if you’re visibly a minority in your field (race, visible disability, etc.), it’s particularly obnoxious since it’s it’s almost certainly because they’re willing to ignore your discomfort in a quest to make themselves look diverse and inclusive (regardless of the actual experience of the person they’re using to do it).

3. My job impersonated me to request free Covid tests

Today, I got an automated email from USPS confirming my request for free Covid tests. It looked legitimate and had my correct name and home address, but was sent to my work email and I did not make this request. A little digging uncovered that my company had submitted this request on my behalf and was doing so for every employee in preparation for an upcoming, in-person all staff meeting we’d all be traveling for. They didn’t ask our permission or let us know this was happening.

Is this … allowed? I’m guessing it’s not illegal, but it feels weird for a company to pretend to be individual staff (and use our personal information without asking) to avoid buying supplies they need to run a safe event. It would be one thing if they asked staff to do that on our own (I’d probably still feel peeved at having to pack my suitcase full of supplies for their event, but at least it would feel honest?). Regardless of if it’s legal/allowed or whatever, am I justified in being weirded out by this?! Do you have advice about what, if anything, I should do to raise concerns?

Yeah, this is a little off; they essentially engaged in a transaction with the government on your behalf while claiming to be you. (I checked the form they would have had to fill out, and there’s nothing asking them to attest to who they are, but it’s still icky.) Also, requests for free tests are restricted one per household, so what if you’d already requested yours or someone else in your household planned to? Or you had those tests allocated for another use? I don’t think it’s worth escalating — it’s more weird than outrageous — although you could certainly point out that you had planned on using those tests for something else and so the event will need its own supply.

At least they’re asking people to test, I suppose.

4. When a company wants manager references

When a potential employer or staffing agency asks for supervisor references, how literal should that be taken? Do they have to be my direct bosses, or can they also be people higher on the organization ladder who gave me tasks to do? In one of my past jobs, my relationship with pretty much everyone in the organization was better than my relationship with my boss.

Typically it means the person who managed you or, in some cases, maybe that person’s boss if they worked closely with you. But it doesn’t mean people who just are higher in the hierarchy and gave you work. You might be able to make a case for it if someone worked closely with you and has the close and nuanced perspective on your work that they’d be expecting from a manager. (It’s also reasonable to say something like, “I’ll be honest, my relationship with that manager soured when I told her I was leaving, and I’m concerned it will affect the reference she’d give. But I’d be glad to put you in touch with two senior leaders from that job who I worked with closely and who could give you nuanced perspectives on my work.”)

Related:
everything you need to know about job references

5. How to communicate an extended work absence for health situations

I am a small business owner who manages a small team and I’m going through a mental health crisis that is limiting my ability to work. I am able to take the time off that I need and my business partner (who knows what is going on) is filling in for me as manager, but I’m unsure how to communicate the situation to my staff. I don’t want to say “I’m having a nervous breakdown and will probably be back at work eventually but I don’t know when.” Do I just say I’m dealing with a family emergency? How should I ask my partner to respond to the genuine concern that my staff have about my absence? So far I’ve been unable to work in-person (I am able to do a few hours/week of remote work — just really essential stuff my partner isn’t cross-trained to do yet) for four weeks, which seems kind of long for a “family emergency.” Maybe I’m overthinking this?

“Dealing with a health situation” or “family emergency” or “family health situation” all work! Family emergencies and serious health situations can take months, depending on what’s going on. It’s also okay to include something like “family health situation that she requests privacy around” if you want (although sometimes in an effort to ward off questions, that can cause more speculation). You could also include something like “she’ll be okay but will need some time for it to resolve.”

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I referred my friend to my company and she turned out to be an awful coworker

I have a former coworker, “Sadie,” who I became decent friends with over the course of a year of working together at a former job. We both left for other opportunities around the same time. We occasionally kept in contact over the next two years with a phone call every other month or so. Sadie recently left her job and, because my company had an opening for a similar position, I referred her. I love my current job and company and expressed how great of a job it is to her.

Sadie ended up getting the position with my company, making us coworkers again. She was a great coworker-turned-friend at our last job so I didn’t anticipate problems—I even looked forward to working with her again! However, over the four weeks since she started, Sadie has caused countless issues. She’s continually complained about the job, nitpicked things that she thinks could be improved, and asked our boss to make changes to normal practices that have been around significantly longer than either of us. A few comments like this wouldn’t hurt (I don’t mind some healthy criticism!) but it’s become excessive. Think things like “At my old job at company A, we did B practice and it worked a lot better than what you’re doing here” but with more than half of our standard practices. Additionally, she’s been calling me during working hours (and sometimes after hours) to ask questions about work processes she doesn’t understand. When I explain them, she complains about them more. I can feel my boss and other coworkers getting annoyed with her constant questioning and complaining, and they’re only hearing half as much as I am.

I’m upset because I referred her and gave her a glowing recommendation to our employer, and she’s now making me look bad due to her complaining. I’m also frazzled because I’m continually answering her questions and trying to explain the reasoning behind some of the practices she complains about while also trying to get my own work done. I also feel bad because clearly this job wasn’t what she expected it to be, and I’m worried she blames me for telling her about it at all. The whole thing feels like a mess, and I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut and never referred her in the first place. How do I handle things from here?

Are you comfortable being honest with her and saying something like: “I don’t know if you realize, but you’re criticizing a huge portion of what we do here when you’re still really new, and I think you’re getting yourself off on the wrong foot with people. It’s awkward for me because I encouraged them to hire you — and I also feel bad because you seem so unhappy.”

If she keeps it up after that, ignore her calls after hours and try to set some limits on the complaints during work hours too: “I can help explain processes to you, but I can’t keep hearing you vent about them — it’s wearing me out.”

In your shoes I’d also have a discreet word with your boss and just be blunt: “I’m not sure what’s going on. I had a different experience with her when we worked together last time and I didn’t expect this.” It’s your boss’s job to decide how to handle it now, but this will clear up any confusion about whether Sadie is still your idea of a great hire.

2. Vacationing employee wants a company-paid international phone plan

I am a manager of managers for a large, fast-paced frontline operational team that regularly responds to emergencies. When I started in this role a few years ago, the managers had an (unsustainable) informal process where they frequently got involved in decisions after hours and on weekends. We have made good strides since then, forming a functional on-call rotation with a broader team and appropriate compensation. I’m really happy with how far we have come!

Fast forward a bit, there are new members on the team. One requested to change their work cell plan to an international plan prior to vacation so they can stay on top of things. I declined the request, explained that I want them to disconnect from work and we can cover things in their absence. My reports feel it’s more stressful not knowing what is happening and coming back to a full inbox.

This is more about the principle than the cost of the phone plan. I strongly believe it is the right decision to keep boundaries and avoid a slippery slope backwards! But, I also question if it’s appropriate for me to decide what is best for their well-being. What are your thoughts on company-paid international phone plans on (company-paid) vacation?

If your team regularly handles emergencies, it’s extra important that they have real time off to disconnect and recharge. And frankly, no matter how much your team member insists it’s all their idea, other people hearing that the organization bought them an international calling plan so they could “stay on top of things” during their vacation will undo some of the work you’ve done in getting people to unplug.

Normally, there’s only so much you can do to ensure people truly disconnect while they’re on vacation, but this piece is within your control: decline to provide the international calling plan. But also: (a) explain why — that it’s not just about their personal preferences but it’s something with ramifications for the health of the team as a whole, and (b) work with them on how to make their return less stressful. (For example, can you give them their first day back just to sort through what built up while they were away and not throw new work at them immediately, etc.?)

3. Should I apologize for past mistakes?

I have been at my company for about seven years. This is my first and only corporate job, for which I had no formal training. About five years ago, I worked on my first big software implementation project with a small team. In hindsight, there were aspects of the project that could’ve been handled better, and I can acknowledge (to myself) that one stakeholder in particular did not have their (legitimate) concerns addressed and has been dealing with complications related to how this project was completed in the years since. This person is not my manager but is a manager in my department, albeit in a different country.

We recently had a change in leadership and are replacing the software I helped implement five years ago with a different software. This project has a much larger scope and will include more stakeholders, but also more resources. I am in a similar role now as I was then, and recently had a very uncomfortable meeting where the aggrieved stakeholder laid into me in front of other colleagues for the failures of the previous project and how they will not let their concerns be ignored a second time. They derailed an unrelated meeting for about 20 minutes to vent about their frustrations.

I was caught off guard and felt immediately defensive — I was not the only person who worked on that project, and they brought up issues that had never been brought to my attention before, though some issues they brought up I had known about and had never fully addressed. After some reflection I would like to take accountability for past mistakes and provide assurances that I will do better this time, as well as alleviate my anxiety about having to meet with this person again and work together again.

I am thinking I should reach out, either in a call or with an email to clear the air, but I am not sure what to say. Should I apologize and detail my past missteps? Should I focus on the future and the current project at hand? How can I mend this relationship and move forward without fixating too much on my shame around my performance on this previous project so that it doesn’t affect my current job negatively?

I suspect the most effective thing wouldn’t be a complete account of every misstep you made in the past, but clear statements that you now understand the concerns they raised back then, realize they were mishandled, and are committed to ensuring their input is treated seriously this time around. If I were in their shoes, I’d want to hear something like: “I want to let you know that I fully understand the issues you’re raising around X and Y. Those are legitimate issues, and I agree they should have been handled differently last time. Some of that is my responsibility and some of it was in others’ purview — but regardless, I’m going to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’d like to build some checks into our process this time so you’ll have opportunities to weigh in early, and I’d welcome any input you have on the best timing for those so we can make sure this goes differently than last time.”

4. Our rules for using up accrued leave were changed without anyone realizing it

Recently I noticed a small discrepancy in my leave bank. I earn six hours a pay period and noticed that, while I was compensated six hours in the earned column for a given pay period, my balance only went up by four hours. I was careful to use up my use/lose by the end of the calendar year as directed, so I was confused as to why I would have received less than I earned! When I spoke with my agency’s HR, we determined the issue was that because the larger HR had moved the date by which folks had to use their use or lose from December 31 to January 13, this also meant any leave accrued during that time that was over the limit was lost. The language they gave us around the extension did not explicitly state this. Looking back at it, I suppose there is sort of vague language that maybe suggests it, but even now I’m not convinced.

I’m not interested in dying on this hill over two hours of lost leave (obviously I have plenty!), but I also feel like it may be worth escalating for the principle of it. Really, why am I being essentially penalized because they decided to give people who weren’t on top of their leave some extra slack when I was careful about managing my leave? So what do you think — is this worth pursuing or should I just take the loss and know better for next time?

If we were deciding purely on the principle of it: yes. Earned leave is part of your compensation and they shorted you two hours while obscuring from you that it would happen. People might have made different decisions if they’d known.

More practically speaking: since it’s only two hours, I don’t think you should fight a massive battle over it, but there’s no reason not to send a quick email pointing out that this wasn’t clearly announced and you don’t think it should have been deducted from your balance.