Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I don’t want to be the one ordering lunch and stocking the kitchen anymore

I’m a woman in my mid 30s and have been working at least part-time since middle school and full-time since earning my graduate degree a decade ago. Between the recession and Covid, I’ve had to change careers a couple times, but I’ve always received good feedback on my work and often comments from supervisors that I should be promoted in some way. The promotions have never really materialized for one reason or another, but not because of my performance.

In my current role I have some important responsibilities (like payroll and benefits administration), but I also still do things like order lunches for management, get the office birthday cake, stock the kitchen with coffee, etc. I’ve been in this role nearly three years and I’m really starting to resent those kinds of tasks. They’re things I did when I interned in my late teens and during first jobs in my early 20s. While I know somebody has to do them and they’re wrapped up in part of my job description, it makes me feel like I’ll forever be viewed as “early career” even though I’m definitely not anymore. Am I selfish for feeling like I’ve outgrown these tasks or am I limiting myself by accepting that my job includes these kinds of things?

I don’t want to fall into the trap of defining people by their perceived job status, but I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels for a decade and not going anywhere.

It’s not so much that they’re inherently “junior level” tasks; it’s that they’re office-admin type tasks. At small organizations, it’s not uncommon to include those tasks in the job description of the person who’s also handling payroll and benefits. You’re certainly not selfish for not being interested in doing them anymore, but you might not be being realistic about whether it’s possible to unload them in your current job, at least not without a formal change to your job description and a logical person to offload them to.

If that doesn’t look likely in your current organization, you’d probably have better luck looking at jobs in larger organizations, where there can be much less of an expectation that you’ll wear multiple hats (although even then, you’d want to look critically at the job description; if it’s a sort of catch-all assistant role, those tasks could pop up again).

2. Can I ask why the friend I recommended wasn’t hired?

I work in software development for a financial company, and my friend works in finance. Her current job stopped offering health care (it’s now all through a “health savings account”), and since my friend has a chronic medical condition and a partner undergoing cancer treatment, she’s looking at other options. I suggested she apply to my company, since there was an opening in one of the financial departments I serve and I knew they were short-handed. We would not be direct coworkers in the same department. I helped my friend update her resume and write a cover letter, sat with her while she filled out the application, and gave her the name of the hiring manager. When I got back to work, I wrote a letter of recommendation for my friend and talked to the hiring manager, and the company called my friend within two hours! We were both really hopeful. However, despite the first few interviews going really well, the week after her interviews she got the message that they had decided to move forward with other candidates. When she asked if there was anything that she could have done differently, or qualifications that could have improved her chances, there was radio silence. Additionally, the job is still open almost two months later.

Obviously, my friend is not entitled to a job, and she’s also not entitled to an answer from them. I know from reading your blog that this is not unusual during the job search process and recruiters and hiring managers are not obligated to answer questions after they’ve decided not to hire you. However, these are people that I work with. I have a weekly, standing meeting with several members of the department my friend applied to, including the hiring manager. Would it be unusual or impolite to ask them the same question she did?

Also, I’ve never recommended anyone for a job before. Was there something that I should have done differently that could have improved her chances? I didn’t want to be pushy, because I thought if I looked too eager it would hurt my friend’s chances. So, I wrote her a job recommendation, sent a note to the hiring manager with the recommendation attached, and filled out my company’s referral form. I didn’t mention it to them afterwards. I feel very guilty because the day that my friend had an interview with the hiring manager’s boss, I had a meeting with that same boss, and I didn’t mention it to the boss because I wasn’t sure if it would be impolite or gauche. In the future, should I do something differently? How much leverage do I have?

It’s okay to ask for feedback about a friend you referred if it’s clear you’re asking so you can make better recommendations in the future. But if it comes across like you’re asking just so you can relay the info to your friend, that’s an overstep. If the hiring manager wanted to relay that info to your friend, they would have already done it when she asked (and you could inadvertently cause problems if you relay it without their okay, particularly if something is inartfully worded because they think they’re talking casually to a coworker rather than formally to a candidate).

It’s fine to say, “Anything you can tell me about how to better refine recommendations I’m sending you?” Some hiring managers will understand you’re curious about what happened with your friend and will tell you; others will figure it’s not really your business and/or they don’t want you passing their unfiltered thoughts back to a candidate and so they’ll give you a vague answer. But it’s usually pretty clear when someone is asking because they want insider info about their friend and not because they want to refine their future recommendations, so in your case I’d recommend leaving it alone.

Lots and lots of people who meet the basic qualifications for a job end up not being hired because of nuanced reasons that you wouldn’t be able to predict from the outside; for example, their skills with X are good but not good enough, or their knowledge of Y isn’t deep enough, or they seemed resistant to taking on Z, or the hiring manager could see they wouldn’t work well with them/the team, or on and on and on. Keep in mind, too, that you’ve never worked with your friend; you don’t know what her “work persona” is like or how strongly suited her skills really were for the role.

I think you’re feeling like you somehow should have been able to clinch the job for her, but that’s not how hiring works. It’s great to make the connection, as you did, but you should go into it knowing that from there it’s out of your hands.

3. Bathroom sign

I work at a small nonprofit that occupies space in a government building. We share a bathroom with municipal staff. The toilets are on the old side and occasionally leave small streaks in the toilet bowl. Two of the women who work in the building (one of my direct reports and one of the municipal employees) have been VERY bothered by this. They made a sign and laminated it, saying “be nice, flush twice.”

Am I overreacting in thinking the sign is too far? It makes me extremely self-conscious about my own bathroom use, and I feel like it’s not their responsibility to address. Should I say something, or should I just let it go?

Let it go. That kind of sign isn’t that unusual in communal bathrooms, and it would be an odd thing to tell them was a step too far. If you see other indicators that they’re obsessing over this — if they start harassing people about their bathroom usage or something like that — that’s something you’d need to address with the person who works for you, but otherwise this is not something you need to intervene on.

4. Should I explain I’m withdrawing from a hiring process because of the low salary?

I recently applied for a leadership position because it seemed like a good next step for me, career-wise. The position did not have a salary listed, but there was an estimate on LinkedIn on the posting. I was really excited when I got offered an interview, but I learned in the invitation that the salary was significantly lower than the estimated range on the job board. Because of this, I plan to decline the interview, as I am making more in my current position as a mid-level manager. Do you have any advice about if it is worth letting the hiring manager know that salary is the reason I am withdrawing?

Yes, please do! Losing good candidates over salary is part of the way employers get the message that the salary they’re offering is out of sync with the market.

Obviously, if only one person says that and they’re able to hire someone they’re excited about, it might not have an impact. But if they’re losing multiple candidates they were interested in, it’s likely to be seen as useful data. It could even help the hiring manager make the case for a higher budget for the role.

5. Interviewer keeps contacting me to “keep in touch”

Several months ago, I made it to the second round of interviews for a state agency. I did not get the job, but I later accepted an offer from a different state agency.

Soon afterward, one of the interviewers from the first agency reached out about a new job opening, and I let him know I had accepted another offer. He congratulated me and wished me luck. Since then, he has reached out a couple of times asking to meet up and checking to see how my new job was going.

I was unable to meet up with him the first time he asked, but he has continued checking in. This most recent time he mentioned that his agency might have an opening soon. I told him I appreciated him thinking of me, but that I’m happy in my current role and plan to stay here for the foreseeable future. Each time he reaches out, he tells me to “keep in touch,” and he said that again this time. Why would I keep in touch with him? I can see reaching out if I decide on a career change, but keeping in touch seems weird.

I’m wondering what the proper response would be from me. Is it normal for an interviewer to keep reaching out even after a candidate has accepted another job?

It’s possible he genuinely thought you were great and wants to keep you in his pipeline of potential candidates for the future, or you’re just someone he wants in his professional network. It’s also possible his interest isn’t professional at all and he’s angling for a date or similar.

Either way, your response the last time — that you’re in happy in your current role and plan to stay there for the foreseeable future — was perfect. If he continues to contact you, you’re free to ignore him if you want to!

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask for a salary cut?

Can I ask for a salary reduction if I feel that I’m overpaid? I currently make $140k/year salary in a tech job, but I feel that I am only worth $60k. I have my house and car paid off, and I have plenty of money in savings. I can live very comfortably on $60k per year. I am single, never married, no kids, and I plan to remain as such for the rest of my life. I don’t need all the money they are paying me, and I feel that the company is wasting it.

Nope. Companies don’t pay based on what your expenses are; they pay based on what the job is worth on the market. Asking for a salary reduction would come across really strangely — and if you say it’s because you feel your work isn’t worth what they’re paying you, unless you’re an obviously top performer you risk that they’ll start scrutinizing your work, looking for these alleged weaknesses.

Also, most companies have salary bands and employees’ salaries need to make sense within those bands. If they significantly lower your salary, it could create salary equity issues across the board. You’d also be creating downward pressure on your coworkers’ salaries too, which I assure you they won’t thank you for.

If you want to make less money, you can go into a lower-paying field … or you can donate a large portion of your earnings to worthwhile charities. But don’t ask for your salary in your current job to be cut.

Related:
should I ask for a pay cut if my work isn’t very good?

2. How do I get out of sharing a bed with my boss?

I am the manager of a small local retail shop. I have worked here in various roles for close to 15 years. Pam, the shop owner, is 70 and close to retirement but does not want to close the shop yet. She has been able to stay in business due to my continued employment. She is at the shop less than I am and I have taken over as many duties as possible for her. She is a very hard person to work for. She has issues letting go of control and has a brusque personality that comes off as very unpleasant to our staff and customers. She is also extremely frugal. I’ve put up with her for as long as I have because I really enjoy my job outside of her.

Traveling with her is a nightmare. I’ve heard horror stories from past employees about having to share a bed with her. She will typically cover meals but she dictates what you can order (as in, she gripes when you order soda instead of water.) On our last work trip, I requested that I get my own room. She only agreed if I paid half of the cost. I was not okay with this at all but went along to keep the peace. I was told that we have to travel again in May. I told her that this time, I’d prefer to share a room instead of paying for myself. (She took the $500 hotel fee from the last trip out of my paycheck.) All of the rooms in the hotel are booked except for one-bed rooms, so that means that I am now supposed to share a bed with her. I know that I probably sound like a frog in boiling water, but how do I confront this issue? I’m a wimp when it comes to confronting her, and I’ve seen enough of her financials to know that there’s not a huge amount of money laying around to book separate rooms while staying cost effective.

For the record: bed-sharing is an outrage. I’m not throwing around that term lightly. This isn’t “well, finances are tight and this will save money.” This is full-on bananapants / not okay / not even a little bit acceptable.

Here’s what to say: “I’m not willing to share a bed. If there are no rooms with two beds, I’ll need the company to cover a separate room for me.” If she gripes and tries to get you to pay for it again: “I shouldn’t have agreed to that last time. This is a business trip that I’m taking as part of my work here, and so it’s a business expense I can’t cover myself.” And if necessary: “Again, I’m happy to go, but I won’t waver on having my own bed. That’s a very normal thing for companies to provide on business travel, and it’s not something I can compromise on. Knowing that, does it still make sense for me to go?”

It sounds like you have a lot of leverage here, so use it! (And really, if the business can’t afford separate rooms — or at least a different hotel that provides two beds, at the bare minimum — then it can’t afford to send you both on the trip, period.)

3. I’m the only one doing a shared task

I am part of a small team that supports a large group of consultants. The consultants coordinate larger projects, and the support staff help with the individual tasks comprising these projects. Our manager assigned us (as a group) standing tasks, plus we have regular meetings where the consultants tell us what is coming down the pipeline and we fit those tasks around that. So we don’t have clearly delineated duties. It’s more like, “This is everything your group needs to do, how it gets divided up is up to you.”

Obviously, some weeks are busier than others. One specific task often falls to me. In the past six months, one coworker has never done the task and the other has done it twice. I have been assigned to other items, so the others really need to step up and start working this task. I have mentioned that it needs to be done (it’s more than two weeks overdue and should be done at least twice weekly), but my teammates always have a reason why they don’t do it (something else is more important, or they say they’ll get to it then never do). I’m frustrated for many reasons too long to write here. Short of tattling to the boss, how do I get them to do their part?

Try being direct: “For the last six months, I’ve been the only person doing X except for two times. I need others to step in and help. Cecil, can you plan on doing it the next few times? And Jane, can you take it after that? I can’t keep taking it 95% of the time.”

If that doesn’t work, you should talk to your boss. That’s not “tattling”; it’s bringing your boss a work issue that’s directly impacting you and your team’s workflow and requires her intervention.

4. Can I use my work computer to look for a new job?

I am currently job searching after being with the same company for almost two decades. My company-issued computer is my only computer as we’re allowed to use it for non-work-related things (within reason) so I do not have a personal computer but I have a personal tablet. Is it wrong to use my work computer to search for and apply for new jobs outside of the company? I don’t really have the funds for a new computer and using a tablet will have limitations, but it seems wrong to use my work computer to look for a new job outside of the company.

I wouldn’t say it’s wrong (especially since you have permission to use your computer for non-work-related things), but it’s a risk. Some companies will monitor what you do on their equipment, even outside of work hours — and even ones that don’t do that as a matter of routine can end up having reasons to look at your computer history (even reasons that have nothing to do with you personally). And while managers should generally assume some of their team might be looking around at any time, (a) in reality of some of them bristle when confronted with evidence of that, (b) even those who don’t bristle can still mentally write you off after finding out (meaning you won’t be as high on their list for good projects or professional development, and you could end up first on the list if they have to do lay-offs because you’re “planning on leaving anyway”), and (c) it’s not great for your employer to know specifics of your search. You also risk an additional layer of “she must be really checked out if she’s using her work computer to do it” annoyance in there.

You might decide you’re okay with the risk, but you should be aware it’s there. If you do decide to do it, definitely don’t do it on their network or during work hours.

5. Acknowledging bereavement

I work with multiple branches, overseeing work and offering guidance. I mostly work remotely but do visit each branch on occasion. Recently, I was scheduled to make the rounds of some branches. I received an email from my contact at one of them telling me that her father was in the last days of his life and she likely would not be there when I visited. I assured her that I completely understood and that she should definitely take whatever time she needed. Sure enough, she was not there when I arrived, and a condolence card was circulating. I signed the card.

Was that enough, or should I have acknowledged her loss in a more personal matter? We don’t talk often. Most of our communication is via email. I have sent a few work emails since but have not expressed any sympathy. When my parents passed, sometimes it was all I could do to hold it together at work, and well-meaning coworkers could destroy that with kind words. I didn’t want to be the person to do that to her.

If you were her manager, it wouldn’t be enough; in that case you should be checking in more on how she was doing. But as a relatively casual/not-very-frequent contact, you’re probably fine. Still, though, it would be thoughtful to add something like “I hope you and your family are doing okay” to your next email. (You’re right that some people don’t want to talk about it at all at work — but other people feel invisible if a devastating event isn’t acknowledged. Putting something in email that she doesn’t need to respond back to is a reasonable balance.)

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Is it OK to flirt at networking events?

The other night I was talking with a friend from grad school. We work in the same field, but not in the same part of the country so our work doesn’t directly overlap anymore. He said he just went to a conference, and at an evening networking event he met a woman around his age and was talking to her. He said that he doesn’t meet women his age much (he’s in his mid 30s) and so he felt like he had to flirt with her, given the chance.

I asked him if it was a work conference (since maybe it was like a hobby convention or something) and he confirmed it was for work. I told him that wasn’t appropriate and you shouldn’t flirt with people at work. He got a lot more upset than I expected and thinks I am totally wrong. I tried to explain my experience as a woman having people hit on me at work functions, and how much it sucks. I tried to explain that people at work should be treated like they are at work. He really dug in on how wrong I was, and it made me wonder if I am wrong?

I manage a team of ~20 people, and I spend a lot of time working to make my profession a safer and more welcoming space for people of all genders. I have seen how frequently folks in my field act in a way that makes someone else feel unsafe, often in relation to their gender, or by trying to establish a sexual or romantic relationship at a work function. I’m not saying my friend is a predator, but I do know that if I saw someone I supervised behaving the way he described behaving, I would talk to them about it and let them know it’s not okay. But maybe I’m off-base here? I just want everyone to be able to go to a work conference and be treated like a professional at work.

You’re not off-base. It would be different if your friend said he and the woman had obvious mutual chemistry and she was showing clear signs of interest. But all he said was “I don’t meet women my age much so I had to take the opportunity to flirt with one”? That’s just him directing his Pants Feelings* at her, not any kind of mutually welcome exchange — and she deserves to be able to go to a work conference without dealing with that.

Maybe you could talk to your friend about how flirting isn’t supposed to be one-sided, and that he needs to watch for signs of mutual interest first — and that the bar for those signs is higher in a work context than it might be in a social one because people feel more pressure to be friendly in work contexts, and also because they’re more captive. But I’m skeptical it’ll get through to him; he sounds pretty committed to believing that he should be able to indulge his own interests without regard to his target’s comfort.

* credit to Captain Awkward

Related:
I was hit on at a conference … was I too friendly?

2. Should I take this second job?

I work full-time at a nonprofit job that I really enjoy. An old manager of mine recently reached out and asked if I would be interested in a very well-paid position at another nonprofit, closely related to my experience. The position is remote, flexible, and only 10-15 hours/week for 50 weeks of the year, so I could remain at my current position as well. The only catch is that I would have to attend their one major annual event, for two full weeks every October. I get 14 days of vacation (it does not roll over year-to-year), so I could theoretically take the two full weeks and still have a few days left over each year.

Would this be detrimental to my current position? I have a solid reputation and I could easily complete work ahead of the vacation time, but I still wonder if people will quietly be irritated if I’m gone the same two weeks every October.

The biggest issue: you’d be limiting yourself to four days of vacation a year! That is … basically no time off. And if you’re going to be working 50-55 hours a week or more between the two jobs, you’re really going to need some time off to relax and decompress. I’d argue that alone makes it unworkable.

But beyond that: what if you can’t always get those exact two weeks off every October? What if you have a work project that means you can’t be gone then, or someone else books the time first and you can’t overlap?

The only way I could see it working is if (a) you’re up-front with your full-time job about what you’re doing and ask them to commit to always giving you those two weeks off (which they may or may not agree to) and (b) your main job lets you take the two weeks off unpaid, so that it doesn’t cut into your vacation time for the year.

3. My interviewer said an employee was unhappy he was interviewing me

I recently started looking for a new job that better aligns with my career aspirations. Unfortunately, I have not had a ton of luck. After chatting with a contact, they shared their friend’s information with me, saying he owned a company that does what I want to do and would be hiring for my position soon for a start time in mid-spring. I was excited!

After sending my resume, we quickly scheduled a phone interview, which went really well. The owner was quick to respond to emails and, after the phone call went well, said we would connect in-person in a few weeks. I reached out to schedule that meeting and he didn’t respond right away. Five days later, he called, apologized for the delay, and said he would call to schedule that meet-up early the next week.

However, during that call, he acknowledged a few times that someone had access to his emails and was unhappy with the potential changes coming to the company. He said more than once, “Some people are resistant to change, and they were unhappy with what they saw.” He also said that that person’s access to his email would change. All very ambiguous, but it felt pretty obvious that he was saying someone had seen my email about interviewing and was fighting the prospect of me coming on board. It didn’t feel like it was about me personally, but about the fact that the company wants to expand and would require more people. I told him that I hoped my email didn’t put him in a bad spot, and he said it didn’t in a brisk, dismissive way. But he did say to use his cell number from now on.

That call gave me pause, and when he didn’t reach out to schedule anything the following week, I just let it be. My thought process was, “Do I really want to leave a job where I am mostly comfortable to be met with a team or potentially a co-owner that hates the mere thought of me?”

I don’t know what to do. Was that weirdness something I should pay attention to? Or should I call and ask if we can set a time to meet this week?

Don’t dismiss the job with so little information! It’s a sign to find out more, but it might not be nearly as bad as you’re thinking. There’s nothing here that indicates the person “hates the mere thought of you”!

If you’d otherwise still be interested, contact him and say you’re still interested in meeting if he still thinks it makes sense. Then, if your conversations progress, at some point you should say, “You mentioned there could be some staff resistance to bringing me on. Can you tell me more about what I’d need to expect in that regard?”

4. Coworker spies on me to see if I’m working

What do I do about a coworker who is constantly, and I mean constantly, peeking around corners to see that I’m working and in the two years has been unsuccessfully trying to catch me not working? The hypocrisy is that he’s the one who needs to be checked on because the only thing he works hard at is looking for ways to not work.

Why not just ask about it point-blank? “It’s really distracting when you peek around the corner like that. Why do you keep doing it?” … followed by, “Please stop. It keeps breaking my focus.”

If it keeps happening after that: “Dude, you’re being weird and a little creepy.”

In an alternate universe, you may set up a large full-length mirror facing in his direction, so when he peeks around the corner he will come face-to-face with himself, not working.