Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. An employee forced an unwanted kiss on my employee — and now they want to do mediation

I run a nonprofit. Six months ago, a male employee of another nonprofit began kissing my female employee on the lips at the end of a series of remote events when they were closing down the day’s activities. Both are married. My employee was deeply upset because she thought the guy was her friend and was afraid she had encouraged him in some way. She finally told me what was going on, and I contacted his boss and told her that my employee will no longer work with her employee, and why. This keeps him away from my employee, but also forces my employee to give up projects she has invested a lot of time and effort in.

Most of my employees are women, and I’m not comfortable asking them to risk similar behavior from the man, but the two organizations have several joint projects that we have equal responsibility for.

My wife believes that the unwanted and non-consented kissing is assault, and that the person who should be removed from the projects is the male from the other organization. The manager at the other organization has suggested mediation between the two employees, but that seems to imply there is some middle ground to achieve, and I can’t see what that is. Our workplace policy is clear that any non-consensual touching is out of bounds and grounds for termination, but that has no power over the employee of another organization. What do you suggest?

Listen to your wife. Your employee shouldn’t be removed from projects she’s invested in because of this man’s behavior; he’s the one who should bear the consequences, not her. It’s true that you don’t have power over another organization’s employees, but you have control over what situations you send your own employees into. You should tell the other organization that you won’t send any of your team members to work on projects where their problem employee is present, so they’ll need to staff your future joint projects differently. (Be clear about this: It’s not just “Jane won’t work with him again.” It’s “I won’t subject any of our employees to that.”)

And mediation? Mediation?! Absolutely not. Their employee harassed and assaulted someone. They need to deal with him on their own, not expect your employee to somehow work through this with him.

2. How to handle an employee refusing to do a critical duty

Our team is required to work on-call after hours to handle client emergencies. It’s an eight-week rotation, so one week out of every eight. Everyone hates it, but we do it. It is unpaid; we are salaried.

Our newest team member claims that he had no idea this was expected, despite the fact that we talk about it all the time. He has stated that this does not suit his lifestyle and he will not work on call.

Whether he was informed about this before he was hired is a point of contention. He says no, but it is in the job description. The way he was brought on was odd in that he never met with our manager; HR interviewed and hired him and then assigned him to our team.

Our manager asked for his resignation. He essentially refused, sending an email that equated to “I won’t resign; fire me.” Outside of regular layoffs, no one ever gets fired. He has called in sick every day for the last two weeks, since this happened.

How would you handle such a situation, especially knowing that the rest of the members of the team would surely also refuse to work on call, if that’s allowed for one person?

I’d be willing to believe HR never discussed it with him during the hiring process, given how strongly opposed he was once he found out. Sure, it’s in the job description, but it’s pretty common for people not to scrutinize those (or to assume there’s more to it, like that they’d only be on-call rarely, like once a year versus every eight weeks, or that the time would be paid). Either way, with something like that, an employer should make sure anyone they’re considering hiring is fully aware of the requirement and on board with it … because otherwise you end up with the situation you’re in now.

As for what to do now, your manager really only has two choices: hold firm on the requirement and fire the guy if he won’t comply (which doesn’t need to be punitive; it can be a civil discussion where she explains she’s really sorry if he wasn’t informed but she can’t bend on the requirement), or exempt him from it and figure out a way to keep it fair to everyone else who’s still doing the on-call shifts (which presumably means adding some kind of incentive, like extra pay or extra vacation). There aren’t really other options at this point.

3. I’m not allowed to keep coffee with me at my job

My work has a coffee machine that we’re allowed to use. I’ve been making my coffees on break, and then leaving it in the staff room to take sips of throughout the day. I’ve been told I can’t do this, and I’m not allowed a coffee in a flask, but I can have water or juice in a bottle/flask I can carry with me throughout the day. Can my work forbid me from drinking coffee?

Legally? Yes. But it would be interesting to ask why they object, if you’re allowed to carry other beverages with you throughout the day.

4. We have to cover for another team’s weaknesses

At the beginning of last year, I was hired into a brand-new team to work on a new project. A month later, a new team was also hired to do the same work, as there was quite a lot to do.

I’ve met people from the new team, and they’re all incredibly friendly, nice and seem like generally good people but their manager is a lot more laid-back than ours. I get the impression that they’re struggling with a number of the tasks that we do on a regular basis, to the point where my team often has to redo their work alongside our own. When we’ve approached our manager about this situation, separately in our one-to-ones, she first explains that the team is new, which is true, but only by a month, and that she doesn’t have any say over that team since they have their own manager. I also get the sense that she doesn’t like talking about the other team with us, which is understandable, but it leaves us feeling a bit demotivated because it seems like they could really do with some additional coaching, and it feels as though our concerns are not being taken into account. Is there anything we can do as a team to approach our manager, or is she right in her view that she can’t discuss another team’s performance with us.

Her view that she can’t discuss another team’s performance with you is a bit of a cop-out, because you need to be able to discuss things that have an impact on your team’s ability to do its work. Sure, she shouldn’t say, “Yeah, Gene is really a crap manager” — but she does need to hear you out about problems you’re encountering and figure out how to manage those things (which should include her speaking to the other team’s manager if necessary, or to her own manager).

On your and your coworkers’ side of things: Focus on the impact on your work. Bring her the specific problems the other team’s work deficiencies are causing for you (like that you’re having to spend time redoing their work) and ask for her help in solving that.

5. An organization for helping job-searchers sucks at responding to job-searchers

Over the last decade plus, I’ve been a full-time student and a stay-home parent. I haven’t had a full-time job in over decade. Now, pushing 50, I have my degrees, my kids are at an age where demands on my time are fewer, and I’ve begun looking for casual or part-time work as I try to transition back into the workforce.

In my town, there’s government-funded nonprofit that help folks find work. They offer resume services, interview training, career counseling, all that stuff. I wandered in last autumn and they were very helpful. My early attempts at plugging back in to the workforce had been met almost exclusively with radio silence from employers. Working with them, for the first time I felt encouraged, supported, and optimistic. In November, my caseworker let me know a part-time position in their organization was opening up and encouraged me to apply. I didn’t even get to the interview stage — it went to an unexpected internal candidate. Disappointing, but the hiring manager let me know a casual position was opening up and would I like to apply? Yes, I would!

I was told in December to expect an interview the first week of January then … silence. I sent a follow-up in early January, then again in mid-January. I received an apology and an interview for late January. The interview went well. I was nervous, a bit rusty, but prepared. There was much smiling and nodding on the part of the hiring team throughout. I left feeling positive. A few days later, the hiring manager emailed me that another candidate’s interview had been delayed but I would hear from her the following week. Then, again, complete silence. Fair, perhaps. People are busy! Still, in my insecure little heart, I am annoyed and discouraged. I sent a follow-up yesterday and discovered the hiring manager is on vacation. My caseworker reached out this week for a general update so I mentioned I was still waiting to hear about this job but was optimistic. She, also, hasn’t responded.

I’m a faithful reader of this site and I appreciate employers can be notorious for delays. I’m trying to keep my frustration at bay and have an open mind but this is an organization that specializes in helping people get jobs. What I see is that they’re behaving like every other place that has ignored, ghosted, or put me off me since I started looking for work. Am I the problem? Are my expectations unreasonable? I’ve held this organization to a higher standard because of the work they do and because they encouraged me to interview but maybe I’m wrong to do that? If I’m not wrong and they’re being legitimately flaky, is their lack of reliable communication and follow-up a red flag? I know I’m not entitled to this job; maybe I’m not a good fit for them and that’s okay! But I’d like to know one way or another where I stand.

You’re not wrong, but yeah, your expectations probably aren’t realistic. Hiring gets delayed. Higher priorities get in the way. People go on vacation. They’re not deliberately ignoring you, but it’s really common to wait to respond to candidates until there’s something concrete to say. And they don’t have that yet because they’re waiting to hear back from a decision-maker, or waiting for another candidate’s interview to get rescheduled, or there’s some snag with the budget, and on and on. Should they know better, since they deal with anxious job-seekers as part of their mission? Sure. Are they still subject to all the pressures and conflicting priorities that other hiring orgs deal with? Also yes. Is this so common in hiring at organizations of all sorts that you can’t conclude anything from it about what it would be like to work there? Also yes.

The best thing to do is the same thing as when you’re waiting to hear back from any other job: assume you didn’t get it, put it out of your mind, and let it be a pleasant surprise if/when they do contact you.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A candidate said “you shouldn’t hire me” at the end of our interview

I wanted some feedback on the interview I conducted with a candidate earlier today. Overall, the candidate performed exceptionally well during the interview process, showcasing their skills and experience effectively. However, towards the end of our discussion, they made a surprising statement that gave me pause.

During the closing remarks, the candidate said, “I’ve got to be honest — you shouldn’t hire me. I am not the perfect candidate for this job.” I asked for further explanation, to which they cited concerns about competition from other candidates and mentioned feeling awkward. While I appreciated their honesty, it left me uncertain about how to proceed.

On one hand, their self-awareness is commendable, and it’s important to consider their perspective. On the other hand, I believe the candidate has a lot to offer and could potentially excel in the role despite their concerns.

I would appreciate your input on how to interpret this feedback. Should we take their advice into account and reconsider their candidacy, or should we proceed with our evaluation, considering their nerves and lack of confidence during the interview?

That’s a pretty weird thing for a candidate to say. It would be different if they were raising specifics — like if they’d said, “It sounds like you really need someone with strong skills in X, and that’s not an area of strength for me. To meet the goals you’ve laid out, I’m concerned you’d need someone with significant experience in Y and Z.” That’s the kind of honest conversation that can make for a great interview — not necessarily one that leads to an offer, but one that leads to a good outcome for both sides: the employer doesn’t hire the wrong person for the job and the candidate doesn’t end up in a job they’ll struggle in … and if X, Y, and Z actually aren’t so important, it’s an opportunity for the interviewer to clarify that.

But if this person was just feeling awkward about who they imagined the competition was, that’s different.

So: My advice is to think about whether someone without a lot of self-confidence will be able to thrive in the job. In many jobs, it wouldn’t matter. In others, it would make things hard on everyone. This is a situation where I’d bet a nuanced reference check would tell you a lot more. (As might an additional conversation with the candidate where you ask to hear more about what they’re thinking, saying explicitly that you thought they’ve done well in the hiring process so far and you want to hear more about their concerns.)

2. Manager plays inappropriate music in a family-friendly store

I work in a store meant to be family-friendly. Parents bring their children in all the time. I’m a stocker and help unload trucks and put things on the shelves. My shift ends when the doors open for business, but I’ve stayed over a time or two, and even come back in during business hours to shop for myself.

Our stock manager is an absolute piece of work. She has thrown fits at employees for not working as fast as she wants them to. I had to report her to the company hotline for demanding that we do unpaid overtime as “punishment for not working fast enough to get your job done in the allotted time of your shift.” A corporate bigwig personally paid a visit to the store to reprimand her.

She got really quiet for a while, but now a new problem has come up. This manager has access to the store’s music system, and she puts in her own music. Some of it is okay, and you wouldn’t raise an eyebrow walking into any other store. But one particular song is on the music list, and it’s a doozy. Once an hour, every hour, a guy starts singing about how he spotted a random beautiful woman. He has no relationship with this random woman; she’s just someone who is attractive and who rejects his advances. So he spends the entire song blaming this woman for making him want to kill himself so now it’s all her fault, how could she do this to him, and he wouldn’t be like this if she would just date him. The song is sick, manipulative, and downplays real depression and mental health issues.

The manager refuses to remove the song from her playlist. She insists that corporate okayed the music, despite complaints from staff and customers alike. Several parents with children have made their opinions known and have been brushed off. Those who ask for corporate numbers are refused with, “You don’t need the corporate number because corporate okayed the music we play here.” Then she walks away from them and refuses to discuss it anymore.

I have serious doubts that corporate okayed the music, but I also am not sure if I’m being overly sensitive, since it’s a single song. Having already filed a complaint over things that I know for sure are illegal, it might sound like I’m whiny to file a complaint over store music. Customers seem willing to complain to the manager in person, but are not offended enough to Google a phone number on the internet when a direct request is denied. (The information is there if you bother to take 10 seconds on your phone.) I’m afraid to hand that hotline number out myself since the manager has been giving me the side eye through most of my shifts and none of the other managers will lift a finger or even acknowledge the issue themselves. Am I being overly sensitive, or is this wildly inappropriate?

It’s wildly inappropriate. You’re right, she’s wrong, no question. But you’re also not really in a position to do anything about it. You’re feeling like this is on you to solve, but it’s not. It’s the definition of “above your pay grade.”

But this manager is so deeply out of her gourd that something’s going to blow up at some point.

3. How do I set boundaries with my building’s cleaner?

How do I maintain boundaries with my building’s cleaner? I started a new job at a university as an office assistant. The building cleaner is very nice but she has started to try to spend a lot of time with me at work. I am a private person but also a people pleaser and feel a lot of pressure to make sure people walk away from conversations feeling comfortable and happy. However, it has many times caused people to monopolize my energy and time, and my alone time is very precious to me.

The cleaner asked me to have lunch with them one day but then asked to go for a walk during my lunch the next day and to do something else the day after that. I only have an hour lunch and they want me to spend it with them every day and will constantly visit my office throughout the day asking if we are still on for our plans. I feel a lot of pressure and they seem to get their feelings hurt easily if I seem less than happy. I want to be left alone but I don’t want to hurt their feelings or to discourage them from being friendly. I am frustrated as I really value having alone time to myself to read or listen to music and to decompress from masking all day. I don’t know what to do. Can you please provide me with some tips or key phrases that I could use to set up certain boundaries without hurting their feelings?

The easiest way to set a boundary is to cite a different commitment — which can include commitments to yourself. For example:
* “I made plans with my sister to call her at lunch today.”
* “I need to start using lunch to get caught up on reading for my book club.”
* “I made other plans, but I’ll see you later!”
* “I’ve got a bunch of personal stuff I need to take care of at lunch.”
* “I can’t today, sorry!”

Since they’re asking you daily, it will help to come up with a reason that covers you indefinitely, not just for one day (so the reading one or a new standing call with a friend/sibling could be useful).

In an ideal world you’d get comfortable saying, “Most of the time I use my lunch hour to decompress on my own and if I don’t, I have a harder time later in the day.” But for now, whatever lets you set a boundary will get the job done.

Caveat: You can’t guarantee this won’t hurt the person’s feelings. If that’s your measure for “actions I’m allowed to take,” you’ll always be at the mercy of other people and your time will never be your own (especially when you’re dealing with anyone who’s more assertive about what they want than you are). Instead your goal should be “I’m polite and respectful and asserting something I’m reasonably entitled to assert.” How other people feel about that is up to them.

4. Should I bring up that our in-office rule is enforced inconsistently on our team?

I was hired in the pandemic and have worked in my position remotely for two and a half years. This year we were required to return to office two days a week.

My team is only five people, and everyone except one other person is based out of a different location than me. I do not work directly with anyone in my office day-to-day. My manager does not go into an office location even though, according to them, they live within a reasonable distance to commute. The one teammate who is also in my location only comes in once a week. No one else on my team is close enough to an office to reasonably go in.

I know there may be arrangements going on that I don’t know about, but when I tried to bring up a different arrangement with my manager they quickly shut it down and said it was above their head.

Performance reviews are coming up and we also get to review and have a discussion with our managers. I’m thinking of raising this issue that there seem to be differing expectations for in-office attendance across the team. Is this inappropriate? Should I just deal? I’m finding it hard to take this policy seriously when management will not follow it or appear to enforce it equally across the team.

It’s not inappropriate to raise it — you’re being held to a rule others aren’t being held to — but you might not be reading between the lines correctly. It sounds to me like your manager is saying they don’t have the authority to make any official arrangements for differing schedules, but they’re also clearly not enforcing the in-office days with your team. So you could just see what happens if you go down to once a week like your coworker has.

Obviously that’s not ideal since you could potentially be called out for breaking the policy. But it’s not unreasonable to conclude your team has different norms, based on what you’re seeing, and to just quietly follow those norms yourself. (Frustratingly, if you take this route, you’re better off not raising it with your boss again, because then it can become “we specifically talked about this several times and I told you that you couldn’t” … whereas if you just follow your boss and coworker’s lead, it’s “I was calibrating myself to the rest of the team.”) This doesn’t work if your job involves tasks that truly require more in-office time, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

5. What to say in an email that has your resume and cover letter attached

My boyfriend is applying for jobs. After a lot of work, he’s ready to email his resume and cover letter to his current first choice. As his cover letter will be an attachment, does he need to include anything in the body of the email besides:

Dear hiring manager,
Please find attached my cover letter and resume.

He should say what position he’s applying for. And it’ll look more polished if he adds a closing sentence and a sign-off. For example:

Dear hiring manager,

Please find attached my cover letter and resume for the X position. I hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,
Barnaby Plufferton

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Management talks to us like we’re children

I am a healthcare professional who works for a home health agency. We are all nurses, rehab therapists, or social workers — educated people with specialized skillsets. We rarely meet in-person but have daily phone calls, so I hear from the office staff very frequently.

There seems to be a culture in the office of using infantilizing language — referring to everyone as “friend,” as in “hi friend, have you finished your documentation?” and the use of “we” when the speaker actually means “you” — e.g., “did we finish the evaluation we started yesterday?” (The main offender of “we”-ing is not a clinician; this may be why this irks me so much.) I don’t know if this is intentionally condescending, but it certainly comes off that way. I have verified that I am not the only one who is bothered by this.

Is it worth it for me to mention it to my manager? I have thick skin but for some reason this REALLY rubs me the wrong way!

Nope!

It sounds like you’re taking that use of “we” as akin to saying to a toddler, “Can we finish our milk?” … but it’s far more likely that it means “did we, the team, finish the evaluation?” That’s a pretty common workplace usage of “we,” and complaining about it will look excessively nitpicky. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be annoyed by it; you are. But it’s more of a pet peeve than something worth bringing up.

However, if there’s something I’m missing about the tone — like if it’s said in a patronizing way — that’s different, and that could be worth raising. But what you’d be raising is the condescension generally, not that one specific linguistic construction.

As for “hi friend” … I’m not a particular fan, but again, it’s the “pet peeve” category of annoyance, not “this is unacceptable.”

All that said, it’s interesting that you’ve found other people are bothered by it too, and that makes me wonder if there’s more infantilizing going on than just the language itself.

2. How can I make sure my coworker isn’t left in the lurch when I leave?

I work at a usually small and rural branch of a global company. It’s open seven days a week and closes on two major holidays a year. I only have one full-time coworker, with our manager being off-site and visiting once a month at most. I’m planning on moving in with my girlfriend in July, which is very exciting, but due to the distance I’ll no longer be able to keep this job. I’ve been heavily considering quitting for a while now, so this is a good chance for a clean break — but I have one major concern (outside of the painful purgatory of finding the next job, of course).

Before I was hired, about two years ago, my coworker was the only desk employee at the branch for a period of several months … meaning for those months he did not get a single day off. This was obviously awful for him! The company had such trouble finding a candidate for his position that he was the one who ultimately recruited and recommended me to management, in a large part so he could finally get a dang break.

I know ultimately this isn’t my responsibility, but I’d hate to wreck his vibe by indefinitely leaving him without weekends when I leave, and the guilt over the thought has kinda discouraged me from putting in the time to send out new job applications. I highly doubt that the standard two-weeks notice will be enough time to find a replacement, but don’t trust in my continued job security if I mention these future plans to my manager any earlier than that. (It’s also pretty awkward now when he makes jokes along the lines of wanting to keep us happy and reliably running the branch — he’s great, my disgruntlement is with the broad company and the specific work not being a great fit for me.)

In the time since my coworker’s awful unbroken string of work, we’ve had changes in our two directly higher levels of management, so it’s entirely possible the new guys will be able to actually arrange people to cover his shifts, and I’m worrying about nothing. But if not, is there anything I can do to make this transition smoother without jeopardizing my existing income? Or any leverage he can pull to make it clear working seven-day weeks is unacceptable even with the overtime pay?

First, assume that your coworker is aware that you could leave (or be hit by a bus or trapped at the bottom of a well or all sorts of other disasters) and what happened last time could happen again. He knows! He’s choosing to stay regardless. If he wants to, he can hold a firmer line about his availability this time (like by saying that he has family commitments outside of work that he can’t move). He will have a ton of leverage because it’s really unlikely they’ll want to replace him right after they replace you.

That said, if you have time between now and when you give your notice, you could think about whether there are things you can do to smooth the workload if he does end up covering both roles for a while. Are there things you can automate/clean up/simplify? If the answer is “not really,” then so be it — sometimes this is just how it goes.

3. Can I use the wellness room to nap?

My office is now requiring everyone to be physically in the office at least three days a week. Before the end of last year, I was working primarily remotely. When working remotely, I’m expected to be available from 8:30 am – 5:30 pm, which I have no problem with, even though I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep at night. However, generally I took my lunch break from 11 am – 12 pm, and I would go back to bed during this hour. Only after I got up after my lunchtime nap did I dress and actually get ready for the day. Now, I have to be up and dressed and out of the house during a time period when I’m used to still being in my pajamas. As a result, on my in-office days I’m up earlier and miss the lunchtime nap.

My office offers a “wellness room” that nobody else ever seems to use. It’s an empty room with some lockers and a recliner. I assume it’s mostly intended for nursing mothers. I was told about it as an accommodation for my ADHD and autism — I can go there if I’m overwhelmed. But if I don’t get my lunch break nap, I become overwhelmed much more easily. Is it a misuse of that space to reserve it for a 30-45 minute nap on the days I have to be in the office?

It really depends on your office culture. There are some offices where this would be fine, and others would it very much would not be. If no one else is using the room at all, I’m worried your culture is more likely to be on the “not all that okay” side of things.

However, since the room was mentioned to you as a possible accommodation for your ADHD and autism, there’s probably some space to experiment. Could you wear headphones while you’re in there, so that if anyone comes in you don’t necessarily look like you’re napping but rather just zoning out/centering yourself (which is close to what was offered to you)?

4. People get my name wrong in email

People get my name wrong. Often. The last letter of my first name is the same as the first letter of my last name, so in person this error makes sense to me. (Think “Elena” getting mistaken for “Elaine” when I’m introduced — a different name, not really a nickname.) That’s easy enough to address in the moment, but email is what I find troublesome. People keep addressing me as “Elaine” in their response to my email, where I’ve clearly signed off as “Elena.” How can I politely correct this? When I email back, I usually say something like, “So you know, I go by Elena. It’s a common mistake, so I wanted to point it out.” I may be overthinking it, but tone feels hard to get right in email, and sometimes I have to make that correction in the context of an otherwise unpleasant email (it’s the nature of my job!).

Too many words! Shorten it to, “It’s Elena, not Elaine!” Or in an otherwise unpleasant email, you can warm it up a little: “By the way, I’m Elena, not Elaine!” Throw in a smiley face if you’re not an emoji-hostile field.