Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to work with a jerk who raises his voice, when “that’s just how he is”

I work with Fergus, a senior engineer who has a reputation for being “crotchety,” a term I am starting to push back on because it seems to explain away his unprofessional behavior as a personality quirk or something to be expected because of his age. I’m trying to figure out exactly where to draw the line in order for me and my team to consistently push back against his behavior. On our last call, Fergus joined the zoom and immediately declared his team was not involved in the project and explained to me how he thinks it works. He interrupted me several times and raised his voice in an effort to convince me and/or dominate the conversation, while I (a female, somewhat younger non-engineer) patiently explained to him that he was wrong about how it works and his team did in fact need to be involved. The next bit went well, but he did grumpily end the call with, “I can’t believe we didn’t do it the other way.” I suppose I was hoping for an apology. It was exhausting and I really think the raising of his voice is the line I want to draw. The typical response from colleagues and leadership is always, “Oh, that’s just Fergus!” and I am done with it. I don’t think someone should get to yell, just because “they’re like that.”

So I need a plan. I want to work out ahead of time what my response should be so that a) I don’t have to decide in that irritating moment that he has crossed a line, and b) I can help my team follow the same plan in the hopes that a united front will be successful. So what’s the appropriate response? Innocently ask if he’s okay and needs a minute to calm down? Firmly ask him to stop raising his voice, right there in the meeting? Email him after the fact to say that I am concerned about the tone of the meeting? Cc his boss? Or ours? Maybe only cc his boss the second time it happens? Cc HR the third time? What are my options here? Should I ask HR for advice on how to handle this, given our apparent history of letting Fergus behave however he wants?

In the moment, interject with a calm, “Please stop raising your voice.” The more calm and detached when you say it, the better; you want him to feel like he looks out of control by comparison. It’s possible that alone will be enough; often people who behave like this, especially at work, are used to never being called out on it (because “that’s just how he is”) and so when someone does, it jars them back into behaving more appropriately. So make that your strategy the next few times it happens, and see if he absorbs that he can’t raise his voice around you.

If it continues after that, talk to him one-on-one right after the meeting and call it out even more directly: “You kept raising your voice on that call — can you please not do that? It makes the meeting unpleasant for everyone else, and I don’t want to ask people to tolerate that.”

I think you have a better chance of success calling it out directly than asking his boss, your boss, or HR to intervene — since apparently everyone else has decided they’ll just work around him.

Related:
how to deal with a coworker who’s rude to you
I have to manage the office jerk

2. Is it true that you can’t take any time off when you’re new?

My best friend (who doesn’t work with me) is telling me that since I’m new at my job, my attendance has to be perfect for at least the first year. Doctors appointments on my lunch hour, work when sick, and don’t take any vacation time.

I can see it’s a good idea to be conservative with time off for a while, but no time off for a year seems excessive. She says that bosses will tell you to take your time off, but it’s much too risky for a new hire to get a reputation for not being around. She says it’s a known thing. Am I naive to think I can take reasonable time off without getting a bad reputation?

Your friend is wrong, and sounds like she’s absorbed some weird messages about work somewhere along the line. Sometimes that happens if someone has worked at really dysfunctional companies; other times it stems from messages they’ve absorbed from their families. It’s true that you shouldn’t expect to take a lot of time off when you’re new to a job, but that means “don’t expect to take a week off in month 2” (although even then, if you negotiated it at the time of hire, it might be fine), not that you can’t go to doctor’s appointments or need to work when you’re sick or take no vacation the whole year.

Related:
everything you need to know about time off when you start a new job
how soon after starting a new job can you take a whole week off?

3. Can I keep my own soap in the office bathroom without others using it?

Our daughter was stillborn in 2022 and my husband and I have recently become pregnant again. The hand soap provided at my work isn’t safe to use while pregnant, so I’ve brought my own, but it’s quite expensive.

Carrying my own hand soap back and forth from my office to the bathroom isn’t practical or hygienic. How can I mark the bottle in such a way that my coworkers won’t use it and I don’t seem like I’m being dramatic? FYI, none of my coworkers know we’re expecting and I would very much like to keep it that way.

I don’t think you can, unfortunately. If it’s in the bathroom, some people will use it and it also risks getting tossed. Can you buy a less expensive option to keep there? (I’m guessing you’re trying to avoid antibacterial soap, and there are a number of low-cost alternatives. If you’re having trouble finding them, talk to your doctor about options.) Another option could be something like soap leaves, which you can slip in your pocket when you head to the bathroom, if you can find suitable ones.

4. My employee made such an odd hiring recommendation that I’m doubting her skills

I am retiring in April and while I don’t have a unique job, I have a unique skill set and several people will probably cover my roles. For the administrative part, we’ve pretty much decided what to do, but it’s not finalized. I’ve shared with my staff that the plan is being developed and that I will tell them everything I know as soon as I know it.

Yesterday I received an email from Janet, someone I would consider in a more senior position, recommending her coworker (Amy, who I also supervise) for this position. Amy is in no way qualified to do this role. Janet’s heart was in the right place, and I thanked her for sharing but that was all I said. However, now I am looking at Janet and her abilities in a different way. Her assessment of Amy’s skills is way off. Otherwise, I think Janet’s skills are excellent and my advice to my successor was going to be have her on a path to the next level. Now I’m not sure. How do I get out of this mindset? Am I totally overreacting?

It’s hard to say without knowing more. How clear is Janet on exactly what that position will be and what it will take to do it well? You said you’ve only really shared so far that a plan is in progress, so is it possible that Janet is envisioning the job being something different? Also, how closely has she worked with Amy? Is she well positioned to have seen Amy’s skills and strengths and weaknesses firsthand, or not? If she knows exactly what the position will be and she’s worked with Amy closely enough that she should know she’s obviously not a match, then sure, that’s concerning (if in fact the next step for Janet would mean a job where she’ll need to hire and manage people). But if either of those factors aren’t present, I wouldn’t let this throw you.

If you’re unsure, why not ask her what led her to recommend Amy and approach it from the standpoint of being genuinely curious about her perspective? Who knows, you might hear something that makes it make more sense to you (but if not, that will be helpful info too).

5. How can I push for a standard fee that wasn’t in a contract?

I’m a subject expert in my field and was booked to speak for a larger conference this coming spring. The host organization “merged with” (was bought by?) another that will certainly have value differences and make changes. One was to lay off 25+ staff from the original org. Another was to cancel me from the line up (likely because my point of view is not shared by them, but I’m speculating).

Thing is, the original org booked speakers without formal contracts, which is unusual, but not unheard of and worked because they had a lot of clout in our field. Everyone knew they’d act in good faith, which is good, since they hold more power in our space. (But you see where this is going.)

Normally if an organization cancels me within 90 days of the event, my cancellation fee is 50% of our agreed upon rate. I slotted this event into my schedule to the exclusion of others, began working on my content for them, and am unlikely to fill that space with a new event. This new org has said they’ll pay it, just send my invoice and “executed contract.” I’m reasonably sure they know as well as I that there isn’t one.

My judgement is clouded by my distaste for the new org and its values, so while I’m not disappointed to be off the lineup, I’m also not at ease to not at least try to push for the fee. I know they can dig in and just not pay it, but what I’m looking for is the wording that says, “No official contract is not my fault, and was beyond my control, but you should honor what we both know is typical in this scenario, please.”

Do you have anything in writing confirming the original agreement — even just emails? An email agreement can count as a written contract in many cases. They could push back since there was no cancellation fee specified in those emails, but you’ll at least be able to document that this was a firm agreement, which sounds like the best you can do. Frame it as, “OrgA always used email agreements like the one attached. Since I held space in my schedule, turned down other work for that time, and have already begun working on my content, I’m attaching an invoice for half the fee, per typical practice.”

Also, do you have any contacts from the original org who remain at the new org (or who, even if they’re gone, have some influence there) who would be willing to push on your behalf?

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should you get fired for (even really bad) behavior at a football game?

I’m a big football fan and a feminist and civil liberties advocate. So I am really struggling with the question of a fan at the Eagles-Green Bay Wild Card game. He is on someone’s cell phone video (which of course was posted on social media) yelling misogynistic insults at a woman from the opposing fan base.

The team banned him from coming to future games, a sanction I support (this was beyond the usual jawboning at high-stakes games). But people online also tracked down where he worked and called for him to be dealt with at work. He lost his job (I read).

I wonder if this is just … too much. On the one hand, I can see a company not wanting to be associated with someone who became so notorious for his behavior. But it was not at work, not between coworkers. Before social media, his workplace might never have known about this.

On an emotional level, part of me thinks — good! This is what you get! But it also seems like a pretty big punishment for bad behavior not related to work or happening anywhere near the workplace. I always hated the term “canceled,” since I think it was used to describe situations where people were rightly called out for bad behavior or racist/misogynistic comments in public. But I also chafe at the idea that someone’s entire life falls apart because of behavior outside of work. What do you think? Did management do the right thing?

Well, this wasn’t a guy just being high-spirited in a moment of competition! He yelled really offensive insults at a woman and repeatedly insulted her looks simply because she was cheering for the opposing team … and he worked for a consulting firm that promotes themselves as being “DEI champions.” If I imagine hiring that consulting firm and then seeing that guy walk in to run my project, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that his company chose to part ways with him.

I do think there’s nuance here. If it hadn’t been recorded and gone viral and his firm only knew about because, for example, a colleague was at the game and told them about it, they’d probably have been less likely to fire him. But it did go viral, which makes the reputational hit to the firm a bigger risk (again, imagine hiring that company and he’s the guy they send, or imagine simply being his female coworker) … and there’s also something more viscerally upsetting about seeing a video of that behavior than just hearing about it secondhand.

I don’t think his company was out of line.

2. Can I tell my employee about a charity raffle I know he’d be interested in?

I’m grand-boss to a fantastic employee who travels extensively, including Disney multiple times a year. He mentioned that one of his bucket-list items is to spend a night in the suite in Cinderella’s castle. (That’s the one that can’t be bought, not for any amount of money). The only way I know to get a stay there is by winning it in a charity raffle for an organization I love; it’s a special resort near Disney just for terminally ill kids and their families, like mine, and we made many happy memories there. They just opened up this year’s raffle ($10 per ticket). I’d feel icky not giving him the chance to do something he’s dreamed of, but is it out of line for me to send him the info, since this is a charity I’ve personally benefited from? If it makes any difference, he’s financially comfortable.

Send him the info! Just saying “I know you’ve mentioned you’d love to do this and as far as I know this is the only way, so I thought you might be interested” isn’t inappropriate pressure. He can enter or not and doesn’t even need to tell you what he decides.

3. I’m worried that my boss and HR are laying a paper trail to fire me

Yesterday, I got a call from the HR manager asking if I could meet with her and my boss near the end of the day. They raised issues about my performance, pointing out a few mistakes I’ve made in the last year, and asked me what they could do to help me. But when I had a suggestion (tell me when a task is given to me if it’s high priority/to be done immediately), it was shot down. (They didn’t really give a reason. They just said that I had to be more proactive and ask for that info myself.) I was caught off-guard by the entire thing and couldn’t muster any thoughts in the moment. A follow-up meeting has been promised but not scheduled. I also sent an email around just to have a record of what I was asked to do specifically, and the response was very general “improve your performance” stuff.

I am terrified. This does not feel like a good-faith effort to improve my performance, it feels like laying the groundwork to fire me. I have never gotten a performance review in the six years I’ve worked here and only the most minimal feedback, so I had no idea I was on thin ice. About eight months ago, I went to HR about how I was being bullied by a more favored / trusted / influential employee, when it finally got to the point where my mental health was badly suffering from it, and I felt taken seriously at the time but I never heard anything else about it, and now I feel like this may be retaliation.

The sensible response would be to leave this toxic environment, but unfortunately it’s extremely hard to get a job in my industry: it took me two years of trying just to get this one. I’m worried that if I leave for something generic to tide me over, I’ll be kissing my career goodbye. Do you have any advice for me? Am I possibly making a mountain out of a molehill?

You should take it seriously. It doesn’t mean they’re necessarily preparing to fire you, but they could be.

Do you know anything about how your company normally handles terminations, like whether they commit to following a process of formal warnings first or whether it can be more out-of-the-blue? That info can inform your thinking. Meanwhile, though, go back to your boss, let her know that you’re taking the conversation seriously and plan to do XYZ to improve, and tell her you’d appreciate any other feedback or guidance she can offer. (And yes, they should tell you when a task is high-priority, but since they’re telling you to ask for that yourself, be vigilant about asking for it.)

Beyond that, it would be smart to job-search — not because you’ll necessarily need it, and you don’t need to take a new job just because it’s offered to you, but if you’re concerned, you should start laying the groundwork to move on in case you end up having to. (I know it being hard to find a job in your field feels like a reason not to go that route, but that’s actually more of a reason to start now so you’re not starting from scratch later.)

4. Employer said I retired, but I quit because I’m frustrated

I founded a nonprofit organization over 30 years ago, and for many years was the sole employee. The organization has always had a board of directors that participated in strategic planning and volunteering for the organization. Over the years, the organization grew, and now I am one of five employees.

Last year I went through a period of ill health; I cut back my hours and suggested a reduction in my pay to the board, which they agreed to. While I was recuperating, the board made some major changes to how we operate, which have raised costs and diminished the organization’s income. As a result, the organization is struggling to meet payroll, and the board informed me that they are cutting my salary again, by quite a lot. I wasn’t happy with this and turned in my resignation.

The board has just sent out a communication to all our members telling everyone that I have retired. I did not retire! I resigned because I am frustrated with the board’s direction and very unhappy with my salary situation. I am planning some new projects in the same line of work and don’t want potential new clients assuming I’ve stepped out of the working world entirely. Should I try to get the board to put out a correction? Am I making too big a deal about this?

I’d be pretty annoyed by that, particularly since I’d assume they framed it as a retirement because that looks better for them. That said, it’s probably not going to have a major impact on your ability to attract clients afterwards, particularly if you’re planning on approaching clients to pitch your work (which will make it very clear you didn’t retire).

Still, though, at a minimum you can ask the board why they misrepresented your departure and, depending on how you feel about their answer, you could in theory ask them to set the record straight in their next membership communication. (A special communication just for this would be overkill, but they could correct the info in whatever they happen to be sending out next.)

5. Can I advocate for myself during layoffs?

I’m not a federal worker, but I work in a field that is adjacent to the feds and my org has experienced a devastating financial impact from the executive orders issued over the past couple of weeks. We’ve been told this week that our division needs to reduce its budget by one-third as soon as possible; this means laying off roughly one-third of our staff, since we have few other programmatic expenses.

Right now my division is organized into teams of specialists, and my specialty is research. However, the extreme nature of our upcoming layoffs likely means that staff who are left will need to wear a few different hats, rather than be specialists. They will also understandably want to prioritize roles that are revenue-producing, and mine is not.

Compounding this is that I’ve only been with this org for about two years and just came back from a three-month maternity leave. But, because I worked in education and academia before this role, I actually have experience (and I would argue, strong skills) in many of the other specialized areas of my division — I’ve had those roles before! Many other colleagues have a 5+ year history here, including through other reorganizations, so I think their varied skill set is better known than mine.

Given that, I’m wondering how directly I could raise this point about my past experiences to my manager in the hopes of making the case for keeping me on in some modified role. They may not need a full-time researcher anymore, but I could easily split my time between that and other roles which do produce more revenue for the org. Is there any chance of this working?

I am applying for new roles, of course, but given that this is a sector-wide crisis, I don’t expect to have any job offers in hand when the layoffs happen in the next few weeks, and I strongly suspect (because the EOs have practically eliminated our org’s cash flow for the moment) that we won’t get any severance either. As a new mom, I’m just trying to find some way to keep an income and health insurance for me and my kid, but I also want to keep a good relationship with my peers and managers (for references, job hunting, etc.) and don’t want to stray too far outside professional norms in how I advocate for myself.

You absolutely should let your manager know what you’d be capable of doing, and up for doing! If it’s easy to meet with her in the next day or two, do it that way, but otherwise email since it’s time-sensitive. Frame it as, “I know we’re looking at a significant reorganization and a lot of roles will need to be combined, so I wanted to highlight my past experience with XYZ. (Be detailed here.) I’d be happy to take on responsibilities in any of those areas in addition to what I’m doing now.”

Obviously your motivation is to find a way to stay on, but you’re also presenting her with a potential solution to a business problem and providing relevant info so it’s not overstepping at all.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I’m supposed to live with my boss and her husband for months

I have been working at my company for two years, and I get along well with my boss, who is a woman in her early thirties. Her husband also works for the same startup and we are all on a work trip together for a few months in a foreign country. The company is providing community housing (with private beds and bathrooms) for commuting workers that holds about 10 people, and a few two-bedroom condos.

Before we arrived, my boss, her husband, my coworker, and I were under the impression that we would be the four people filling the two condos — me and my coworker in one, my boss and her husband in the other. When my coworker arrived, she was taken to the community housing and given a room, and when we arrived, my boss and her husband were moved into one bedroom of an apartment and I was moved into the other bedroom of the same apartment. When I asked if my coworker and I were going to move into the other condo once it became available in a few days, I was told no.

I brought up the problem to my boss’ boss and said that I am concerned about living with my boss and her husband for the next three months, but for the short term it is not a problem. He said that it’s a valid concern, and that he would work on it and that I should suck it up for about a week.

About a week has passed, and my coworker who I originally was going to live with has expressed her preference for staying where she is because she is already settled in, and I was informed by my boss that I am to keep living with her and her husband for the foreseeable future. This is so my boss’ boss and another male coworker can live in the other apartment and my coworker can stay where she is.

I am quite uncomfortable with this situation and have expressed this to my boss, my boss’ boss, and the person in charge of housing, and I am not sure what to do next. I am excited about this job and really enjoy working with my team, but working 72 hours a week with my boss and her husband and then going home with them is just a bit too weird for me. Any advice?

How firmly have you told your boss’s boss and the person in charge of housing that this won’t work for you? This isn’t less-than-ideal housing for a couple of nights in an emergency; this is three months of your life outside of work, and they almost certainly have other solutions available if you make it clear that the current plan is a no-go for you. If, out of a desire to be flexible and not demanding or to seem like a team player, you’ve been anything less than than crystal clear that this is a no for you, it’s time now to get much more emphatic.

Talk to your boss’s boss again, state firmly that you’re not on board with this, and say you need to make arrangements to move, whether to the community housing where your coworker is or somewhere else. For example: “I was willing to do it for a week like you asked, but I’m not comfortable with this for longer than that. I’d like to move to the community housing where Jane is or, if that’s not possible, to a hotel or other solution.” If you get any pushback: “Given the length of the trip, it’s really not feasible and I wouldn’t have signed on for it under these conditions. I can take the lead on finding a place to move if that’s the fastest way to handle it.”

2. My bad coworker is finally leaving … should I stay?

I’ve had issues with my underperforming coworker, Sanford, as long as I’ve been with my small nonprofit. From missing agreed-upon deadlines 90% of the time, to saying misogynistic things to coworkers in meetings (he singles out our foreign-born female coworkers — never the males — to repeat things back to him, to make sure they understood it, despite them being fluent in English and just being one of the people listening in a group meeting), he has been a “missing stair” in our organization for years. Despite this, our CEO saw it fit to create a completely new director-level position for him, promoting him by two levels and firmly setting a ceiling on my career path within the organization, as his new role took parts of what I would do at that level.

Despite all the flexibility, raises, and promotions he’s received despite his skills and work ethic (or lack thereof), Sanford has landed another role outside of the organization and is leaving. Many of us are celebrating, but I’m left in a tricky situation. I’d also planned on leaving, in large part due to being tired of cleaning up after Sanford, but now my path for growth seems to have opened up.

Do I stick around and see if Sanford’s absence helps make my job easier and clears the way for my career growth, or do I continue to pursue other opportunities? I am in the final stages of interviewing at several other companies that would pay me substantially more than what I make in my current role.

Keep pursuing those other opportunities. Sanford is leaving because he got another job, not because your organization decided to deal with him (in fact, the opposite — they promoted him) so if you stay, you’re staying at an organization that not only accommodates Sanfords, but rewards and tries to retain them. They didn’t suddenly see the light and become a better place to work, and if another Sanford comes on the scene tomorrow, you’d have no reason to believe they’d do anything differently with the new one. Their handling of Sanford says something about who they are as an organization; you shouldn’t change your plans just because this one manifestation of those problems is gone.

3. New manager is changing things for the worse

I work in a grocery store bakery. My teammates and I all have things organized in a way that is best for our efficiency. This new assistant manager has rearranged things into a mess. I have allowed this to go on out of respect. It’s just not working. I have gone to my bakery manager as well as store management bout it. What do I do now? I have changed things around since no one has helped me. And she just changes it back. She has not been receptive to speaking about it. She struggles with a power struggle.

The thing about being in a power struggle with your manager is that the manager is nearly always going to win because of their power and authority relative to yours — or at least that’s the case if you’ve talked to levels of management above you and no one cares enough to intervene. You and your teammates can certainly try talking to your manager as a group and explaining why you want to switch things back — and that’s worth doing if you haven’t yet — but ultimately if you can’t convince her, you don’t have much recourse.

In that situation, your best bet is probably to roll with the changes for a while. If a month or two from now they’re still causing problems, raise it again at that point; sometimes when you’ve made a good-faith effort to roll with changes but can still point to problems, that’s an easier sell than when you resist them from the start.

4. Is it illegal to hire someone just to fire people?

I’m writing a novel and I have a character who is hired solely to make people redundant before moving on. I heard from someone recently that it is illegal to hire someone for the sole purpose of making people redundant/firing them, only to get rid of them after they’ve completed this job. Is that true?

You mean hiring someone specifically to conduct layoffs/firing but not keeping them on after that? Like George Clooney’s character in Up in the Air? It’s not illegal to do that. Typically, though, if a company brings in someone from the outside to do it, they’d go with a firm or contractor (also like Up in the Air), not hire a full employee to do it — but it wouldn’t be illegal to have them be an actual employee if for some reason they wanted to. (That said, your use of “make people redundant” makes me think you might be in the UK rather than the U.S., and I can only speak to U.S. laws.)