Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker is wearing jewelry that signifies a dominant/submissive relationship

I recently realized that one of my coworkers wears D/s jewelry every day. (Funny enough, I wouldn’t have recognized it had I not been a devout reader of your blog and read the letter from the person asking about wearing a collar to work!) Now that I’ve noticed the jewelry, I feel like I can’t un-notice it. I’m all for people living their own best lives, but overt sexuality at work makes me incredibly uncomfortable. (Can I blame my Catholic upbringing? Because I’d really like to blame my Catholic upbringing.) I work with this person regularly and am on friendly terms with them. We don’t discuss our personal lives with each other, so I would feel weird bringing up the issue of the jewelry. While we both work for a children-focused nonprofit, my coworker doesn’t interact with the public in any way. I think my concern is too petty and intrusive to bring to HR. Any tips on how to “get over“ the discomfort?

You’re right that it’s definitely not something you should bring up with HR or raise with your coworker.

I don’t know exactly what the piece of jewelry is, but there’s no guarantee that she’s wearing it to signify a dominant/submissive relationship! That stuff isn’t exclusively for D/s relationships, so it’s possible she just saw it and liked it. In fact, there were a bunch of commenters on that previous letter saying they owned similar jewelry with no symbolism attached.

So to get over your discomfort, why not decide that’s likely the case here? There’s a decent chance it really is and that your coworker would be horrified (or just amused) to find out how you’re interpreting it.

– 2019

2. My coworker keeps telling people she’s my boss

I’ve worked on a small team in a large company for about ten years. I have two peers — same pay grade but different functional work — one of whom started after me, who I’ll call Jack, and one of whom has been there about 20 years, who I’ll call Jill. We have together been through a half dozen bosses.

Both Jill and I have been encouraged to take the manager of the team position as our bosses have left, and both of us have repeatedly declined. I like the career I have and have no interest in converting to management. Jill seems to want the authority of being the manager without any of the responsibility. She frequently tries to assign work to Jack and me, repeatedly directly tells people inside and outside the company that we are her employees (in front of our current boss), and scolded our current boss because he “needs to clear changes to team assignments” with her first — which he immediately made clear to her that he does not need to do, as he is the boss.

So far, I have simply ignored this, since I work at a different site and don’t see most of it directly, but I’m starting to run into issues because she’s told this lie to so many people that there is confusion among some vendors and the teams we work with, especially since we do change bosses frequently. Our current boss has called her out when she claims Jack and I are her employees, and she claims she “misspoke” or that our boss or other hearers “misunderstood,” so talking to her directly isn’t terribly productive.

Is this something I should keep mostly ignoring and just correcting with individuals as needed? Given that she won’t own up to the fact she is doing this, I can’t think of any way to say, “Knock it off. If you want to be the boss, then take the job next time it comes up!” What do I say to someone when they have been directly told by Jill that she is my boss, and I have to correct that lie?

It’s bizarre that she’s doing this in front of your boss, who would obviously know the truth.

I think you do need to call it out directly, both on principle and because it’s causing confusion. It doesn’t matter that she’ll deny it; there’s value in calling it out and making it clear to her that you’re not going to tolerate it. You also don’t need to prove that she’s doing it in order to be able to speak up. It’s come up enough that you can safely say this to her: “Jill, why are you continuing to tell people that you’re my manager?” If she says she hasn’t and that people just misunderstood, then say this: “It’s happening frequently enough that if it’s a misunderstanding, it’s being caused by something you said. But to make sure we’re all on the same page, you’re clear that you’re not in fact my boss and that we’re peers, right?” Assuming she says yes, then say, “Okay. I’ll assume there won’t be further misunderstandings, but if there are, I’m going to ask (boss) to intervene.”

Or you could skip that last part and go straight to your boss now, which would be more than reasonable.

When you need to correct the facts with someone who’s been told Jill is your boss, you can just be matter-of-fact about it — “No, that must have been a miscommunication! Jill and I are peers. I report to Fergus.”

– 2017

3. My mentor got fired and now I’m questioning what she taught me

I started a new job in payroll last July and on my first day got paired up with Jane, a current employee. Jane had been handling most of my job for a few months and also had years of experience with payroll even though she was in a different department here. At the time, Jane was presented as an excellent resource for me to find out about the job and the company as a whole. We even were given an office to share, so she would be readily available to answer any questions that I had. We had many long conversations about her experience and opinions of the company and her input really shaped my impression of my job.

Six months after I started, Jane was fired. Since then, I have heard snide remarks about Jane from others in her department that she was not a good employee.

I have not been able to reconcile the first six months of working with Jane with this new information. Even though I didn’t take all of her advice, I did listen to everything she told me and believed much of it because of her experience. For instance, she told me a particular manager was terrible at his job (a position that she had before), yet I have heard positive feedback about him from others now. Should I forget everything that Jane told me? How should I filter out the good from the bad?

Do what you would do if you’d never had those in-depth conversations with Jane: form your own impressions, based on your own experiences with people, and reserve judgment about people you don’t work with yourself.

It’s possible that Jane’s impressions were all pretty right on. It’s also possible that they were way off, or somewhere in between. You’ll probably have a better idea of how you rate her accuracy once you start forming your own impressions and can check how well they line up with what she told you. You might find you come to similar conclusions, or really different ones. Stay open-minded and see what happens.

One thing to think about though: If Jane was very quick to share negative opinions about others when you started, that’s actually a strike against her. People with good judgment usually don’t rush to dump negativity onto a new hire and will be more discreet. So if looking back, that’s what happened, I’d bring some additional skepticism to bear.

– 2019

4. My VP insists on leaving papers in my chair instead of my inbox

I’m the admin for a team of four in a large company. It’s an okay job and I’m an okay admin. It’s a step back for me but I need the money. We have a new VP who insists on leaving paperwork for me on my seat. This is a major pet peeve of mine. I have an inbox on my desk for a reason. I’ve told the new VP this several times but he refuses to use the box. He says he doesn’t want his work to be missed. I put his papers in the box, on the bottom. However I’m tempted to start chucking them out. An I overreacting or is he being rude?

You are overreacting. Yes, ideally he’d comply with your request — but ultimately, as someone higher in the hierarchy than you, he can decide how he wants to do this. And who knows, maybe he works with other people who prefer urgent stuff go on their chair so they see it right away, and it’s not reasonable to expect him to track the inbox vs. chair preferences of everyone he works with. Or maybe it’s not that at all; maybe this is just his preference. It’s just not a big deal either way.

And it’s definitely not a big enough deal for you to expend energy or capital on it. Pick up the papers, put them in your inbox, done. (And frankly, rather than sticking them in the bottom of the box, you should look at them to see how they need to be prioritized. You’ve got to prioritize doing your job well over getting petty payback to him.)

I think you’re choosing to see this as some kind of power play. It’s not; it’s just a thing some people do. Let it go.

– 2019

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I saw a coworker’s “people I need to hit” list

In a meeting last week, my coworker Tony shared his screen while his OneNote was still visible and the title of the first note (minimized on the side) was “People I Need to Hit.” It was just him and me in the meeting, and I only saw the note title, and I’m sure he doesn’t realize I saw it.

I didn’t say anything to Tony, but mentioned it to my coworker Carmela later in the day. Tony has been reprimanded for being very defensive and verbally aggressive in meetings (nothing outrageous, just notably confrontational and unprofessional, such as saying, “I don’t even know why your department exists, we don’t need it” to Carmela’s boss). Carmela thought the OneNote was a hilarious example of his unnecessary aggression. We even joked that the title might’ve been cut off and was actually just a list of people he needs to hit up for money and that he’s a secret loan shark.

However, when I told my boyfriend, Paulie, the same story at home, he was appalled. Paulie is encouraging me to go to HR and tell them what I saw and is convinced that the “People I Need to Hit” list is a precursor to workplace violence. I don’t agree, and I have sometimes taken frustration out in note titles myself (naming a doc “Stupid 7am Meeting” to capture my meeting notes, for example) just for personal amusement. But I value Paulie’s judgment and maybe he has a good perspective as an outsider, vs. Carmela and myself who think of Tony as just an eye-rolling example of an annoying and tone-deaf coworker (he’s not even the most annoying or tone-deaf person we work with on a day-to-day basis). Am I under-reacting? Is my boyfriend overreacting?

Since you’re the person who interacts with Tony, you’re the one best positioned to know if it’s something to be alarmed by or not. I suspect he’s not keeping an list of people he actually plans to injure in some way … but it’s certainly a commentary on his stance toward colleagues. If you’re really worried, you could mention to Tony’s boss, saying that it was so jarring to see that you felt you should mention it. But I also think that if your vibe is that it’s nothing, this isn’t so alarming that you need to escalate it regardless of that.

– 2019

2. My director sent around a photo of my messy desk

I am from South America and work as a programmer in Sweden. Our director is always asking everybody to keep our office clean, and I strongly agree that many people need to learn how to not leave dirty cups all around the tables. Sometimes I myself organize and clean some messy shared spaces.

My own desk has two screens, a cable adapter hub, a laptop, a big keyboard, and a special game mouse — which are my work tools but make a lot of cables. I really struggle trying to organize my own cables and they never look 100% neat. I am very sensitive to it. I also have a notebook, a pen, and a Swedish grammar book on my desk, since Swedish is my fourth language and I am still learning it.

So, today the director was really pissed about messy and dirty desks (some tables with rotten food and dozens of dirty cups) and took pictures of them. She posted the pictures in a private Facebook group with everyone who works in the office (about 40 people) and wrote “clean your desks.” I was shocked and surprised to see my desk in one of the pictures — the only picture which identifies the owner (because of the screens and the grammar book). All the other pictures were focused on specific objects, not the entire desks, so we were not able to identify them. I am super uncomfortable and thinking about what I should do about it. I am feeling very badly treated. Should I open it to everyone? If yes, how?

Nah, let it go. It sounds like it was more of a group-shaming and I doubt any of your coworkers think it was a shot specifically fired at you. (And your desk doesn’t even sound particularly bad. Cables are a pretty normal part of many desks.) Other people may feel they were singled out because they recognized their mug or something. Your manager is just making a point about how people need to be neater; it doesn’t sound like it’s personal or something to feel bad about.

– 2016

3. Am I editing documents too heavily?

I am a new-ish program associate at a state agency. I know that they hired me in part because of my English degree, as part of my duties are that I edit official correspondence that our coordinators write on behalf of the secretary’s and governor’s offices. I enjoy editing and at one point had considered doing it professionally, though I haven’t yet been able to find a position I’m qualified for. In the meantime, I feel that this editing thing is also getting me in trouble.

Today, my supervisor brought me a document that had multiple authors that we were to be sending out to the counties and asked me to look it over and suggest changes. When she came back 40 minutes later and saw the mark-up (pointing out awkward sentences, suggesting reformatting when links and locations are delivered inconsistently, pointing out inconsistent oxford comma usage, etc), she seemed perplexed and almost offended. She said something about how she probably wouldn’t use some of the changes and that she’d been letting some things slide because of the multiple authors. I tried to assure her that I understood that/that I know that that’s part of editing, but the exchange still left me feeling odd and like I’d somehow disappointed her despite literally doing what was asked.

While it’s the first time this has happened in a document of this size, it’s not the first time I’ve gotten this impression. Am I doing something wrong here? Is there a different level of acceptable editing for this “last looks” sort of thing? Should I only point out when things are genuinely unreadable instead of a little confusing/inconsistently formatted? How should I be approaching this editing situation without stepping on anyone’s toes?

There are a bunch of different types of editing that a coworker might ask for: There’s thorough proofreading, there’s “take a look at this and see if anything glaring jumps out at you,” there’s “see if you can improve the flow of the writing,” there’s “flag anything that’s not accurate,” and probably more that I’m not thinking of. It sounds like you assumed your boss wanted something more thorough than she actually did.

Unless your job is specifically “proofreader” or “copy editor,” it’s smart to ask what type of edits a person is looking for before you edit heavily. In this case, you could go back to your boss and say something like, “I think I did heavier edits than you were looking for on that document. So that I know for the future, will you tell me a bit about what kind of thing you’re looking for when you ask me to look something over? I want to make sure I’m doing the right level of editing going forward!”

– 2019

4. My interviewer seemed uninterested in me from the start

I had a job interview a week ago, and it was clear right from the get-go that the interviewer seemed really disinterested and not really that responsive to my questions. She ended the interview after 15 minutes. Unsurprisingly, today I got a response that I wasn’t selected.

I’m not sure what I did wrong. It can’t be my qualifications, as she had to have wanted to meet with me for a reason, and I really think I answered everything well — she even said I “answered the questions really well” at the end when I asked if she wanted anything about me clarified (whatever that could mean). Yet she still seemed so bored by me and so eager to be done with it, right from the start. She said she was early in the interview process, so I feel like she can’t have gotten to meet with that many more candidates, if any.

What are the odds that her first or second candidate was so outstanding that she realized she would now have to drudge through a number of other interviews? What conclusion could she have come to so quickly before the interview to decide I wasn’t a good fit? If she knew she wouldn’t select me so early on, why even bother with an interview?

It could be anything! It could be that she already knows she wants to hire her friend … or she received terrible personal news that day and was rushing through your interview to go deal with it … or someone else selected you for the interview and she wouldn’t have but saw your resume too late in the process to cancel … or the day before the interview she realized she really needs to hire someone with llama wrangling experience, which you don’t have, and she felt it was too late to cancel … or she took an instant dislike to you because of your shoes … or you answered an early question in a way that was a deal-breaker, and she isn’t a skilled enough interviewer to either tell you that or handle the rest of the interview better … or something else that I’m not thinking of.

You can drive yourself out of your mind by trying to figure out this sort of thing without any real information to inform your thinking. It’s better to just figure it wasn’t meant to be for whatever reason, and move on.

– 2019

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker keeps making minor corrections to my work

I am experiencing a weird feedback situation at work and don’t know how to handle it. One of my coworkers, Jane, frequently corrects me on how I’m doing my job. It will be small things, like nitpicking on how I answer the phone, and it is usually delivered in a condescending tone: “I don’t know if you know this…” or “I just want you to know we don’t do it that way around here.”

I have never received corrections on any of these things from our shared managers — quite the opposite. I have glowing reviews, am actively encouraged to move up, and have even specifically been told that I have excellent phone manner.

We have the exact same job and title. Jane has been with the company in the exact same department and office location for about 15 years. On the other hand, I have been with the company in two locations and three departments over the course of about a year and a half. Neither of us has supervisory responsibilities, and at our company, seniority doesn’t mean much unless you’re being considered for a promotion.

I’m not afraid of feedback — if any of our managers were coming to me with these concerns, I would take it seriously and adjust my behavior. But she’s not my manager, and I don’t answer to her! Am I correct in thinking that I don’t have to do what she says? Should I speak to her directly? Should I speak to our manager? I do my job extremely well and I just want the commentary to stop.

If you were absolutely sure she was wrong, I’d suggest saying something like, “Thanks, but I think my way is fine.” And then if it continued, “You’ve been giving me a lot of input on how I do my job, but I’ve talked with (manager) and she’s really happy with my work. I’d prefer you give me the same leeway she does.” You could add, “Of course, if something seems really serious to you, I’d understand you flagging that, but I’d think that would be very rare.”

But first it’s worth checking if she could be right about some of this stuff. The fact that your manager is happy with your work doesn’t preclude the possibility that she’d want you doing these small things differently if she knew about them. Or Jane could be completely off-base (and I’m inclined to think she is, just by your description). But it might be useful to talk with your manager and say something like, “Jane has been correcting me on things like X, Y, and Z. I think my way of doing those things is effective, but I wanted to check in with you to make sure there’s not something I’m missing.” Then, assuming your manager backs you up, you can use the language in my previous paragraph with confidence.

– 2019

2. My coworker talks like a toddler

I work as an admin in a pretty small company, and I’m one of the youngest people in my office. Some of my coworkers have kids my age. One of my coworkers, “Linda,” is an older woman and has been here for a long time. She is a nice enough person and a decent worker. My problem with her is she constantly uses what I would call childish language.

For example, instead of saying, “I think we mixed up the dates on last month’s reports,” she’ll say “I think we made an uh-oh on last month’s reports.” And instead of saying, “I cut my finger on a stapler,” she’ll say “I got a boo boo on my finger.” A lot of the time, when she is taking a break to use the restroom, she’ll say she’s going to “make a tinkle” or “go potty.” And so on and so on. She talks like this constantly and, as far as I can tell, it’s not directed at any one person. It seems to be just how she is no matter who she’s talking to.

On one hand, this is the kind of thing I feel like I should just let go. One the other hand, I cringe when we’re in a meeting and she talks this way in front of clients or our bosses. We work in a very distinguished field (think like legal or medical) so coming off as professional is very important.

Although none of the bosses have said anything to Linda to my knowledge, I do worry that she makes us look a little unprofessional sometimes, particularly when we’re around clients. I’d like to say something myself to her, as we have a good working relationship, but I’m not sure how to say, “Can you please talk like an adult?” Should I say anything to her and, if so, how do I phrase it?

While this sounds incredibly off-putting, it’s not yours to fix! If you were her boss, you should absolutely say something. If you were her peer and she was talking to your clients that way, you’d have standing to address it. The people who have standing in this situation to address it have inexplicably chosen not to, and as the admin, it’s just not yours to handle.

Since you don’t have standing to address it, I’d say sit back and enjoy the entertainment of having a colleague who talks like a toddler and an office full of coworkers straight out of the Emperor’s New Clothes. (That doesn’t mean that you can’t call it out when it happens in a one-on-one conversation with you, though. There’s no reason you can’t say dryly, “I think you mean a mistake” when she refers to an “uh-oh” or so forth.)

– 2019

3. My CEO wants us to wear pants with the company logo on the butt

Instead of printing company t-shirts, my CEO wants to be unique by making company pants — with the company logo displayed on the bum! I thought he was joking but he says he is 100% serious. As a woman with dignity and class, I am wholeheartedly against the idea. I don’t think I would even have to list my reasons. Still, I conducted a random poll among several women in the company just to be certain I’m not alone. Not surprisingly, they all protested vehemently. My CEO is travelling at the moment and will be away for the next few weeks, so my response to him would have to be via email. How do I tell him in unequivocal terms that this is a Very Bad Idea?

(For your reference, I am in my 20s and I am the operations manager. My CEO is also in his 20s.)

“Hey Bob, I think we need to reconsider this. I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing these and feel pretty strongly that it’s inappropriate, and a quick survey of other women on staff indicates that that sentiment is widespread. At a minimum, you’re going to get a lot of people unwilling to wear them, but beyond that I think we’d be making a lot of employees uncomfortable. Can we stick with shirts?”

– 2014

4. My coworkers keep asking “who’s in here?” in the bathroom

My office restroom has the usual share of problems, but I’m finding that I keep running into one that causes me more grief than others. For context, I have a medical condition that requires frequent and sometimes lengthy trips to the restroom. Quite a few people around the office know about it, as I also need to take time off every couple months for treatment and I sometimes mention it in passing. I have already set up reasonable accommodations involving these restroom trips with HR, so no worries there.

The problem is that many of my fellow lady coworkers use the restroom as a sort of hangout spot. People will either stand by the sinks and chat, or even carry on conversations while all parties are in the restroom stalls. These conversations are about everything from personal life events, to complaints about others in the office, to private customer information. When one of the speakers realizes that they are not alone in the restroom, they either stop talking abruptly, comment on the extra person and laugh about it, or ask the dreaded question: “Who else is in here?”

I can’t stand this. My choices feel like they’re limited to 1) staying quiet and seeming creepy or 2) sheepishly identifying myself and dealing with the embarrassment. I’ll frequently hear jokes when I go to wash my hands that “I’m eavesdropping.” When I hear certain people enter the restroom, my heart sinks because I know that they’re going to continue their conversation and I’ll eventually be involved whether I like it or not.

If I ran the country, I’d make the question “Who’s in here?” illegal in all public restrooms. Since I can’t do that, what can I do? I don’t want to take away people’s freedom to chat, but I’m tired of feeling like an unwanted presence in my own company restroom. Is there any way to get a little bathroom etiquette going?

I think that when you’re in a bathroom stall, you’re entitled to the illusion of a sound barrier, and therefore you are not obligated to respond to queries directed your way from outside the stall. In other words, stay quiet if you want to! But I can understand why you might feel too weird doing that, you could try “Someone using a toilet!” or even “Ugh, let’s not roll-call who’s on the toilet.”

And once you come out and reveal yourself, feel free to say, “I prefer to believe there’s a sound barrier in bathroom stalls, where noise doesn’t travel in or out.”

– 2019