Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Does professional attire need to be seasonally appropriate?

My wife hosts college students for six-week programs that introduce them to a professional setting. Each student is graded on categories related to their field of study, but they are also graded on professional norms like teamwork and punctuality.

One of these norms to be evaluated on is professional attire, and we disagree on whether it should be seasonally appropriate.

When a student comes to work in the middle of the winter wearing slacks with a sleeveless top and no jacket, she thinks this comes off as strange and should be addressed (we live in the northeast US, so it’s cold). I feel that as long as the student is wearing appropriate business attire, and it isn’t affecting her ability to work, then it shouldn’t matter. What is your take on this low-stakes situation?

I’m with you. If she managed someone who came to work without a jacket in the winter, would she feel she needed to tell them they looked unprofessional? She might ask if they were cold! She might reflect on whether she was paying them enough to afford appropriate winter wear! But she wouldn’t chastise them for being unprofessional (I hope).

I suspect what’s going on here is that these students only have a limited amount of professional clothes (because they don’t need many yet) and so they’re wearing what they have — which might be for a different season.

2. How do I tell coworkers I’m married when they don’t think I am?

I started a new job about five months ago. A week before my new job, my partner of 10 years moved out of our home as we commenced a trial separation. It was a very difficult and emotional time, and I didn’t wear my wedding ring to work. I wanted to avoid questions that had messy answers.

I also had several pet emergencies in the last few months and explained my need to rush home after work or take time off as “I don’t have anyone to help me take care of my dog.” Several coworkers began to make references to me living alone and I didn’t disagree with them, as I was indeed living alone.

My husband and I recently started to reconcile and he is moving back in. I have confessed to one coworker, who I am close with, that I am married and was going through a separation. If anyone at work wanted to, they could access the emergency contact list and see my spouse is listed as my contact and spouse.

I’m not sure if or when I could tell people I’m married. Do I slip it into conversation casually? Will that naturally trigger questions about why I didn’t bring him up before? Will it make my prior absences seem fishy? I might be overthinking it but I don’t know how to go about it! There’s also a part of me that’s nervous things won’t work out with my spouse and then I’ll have to break the news to my coworkers all over again.

Sorry you’re dealing with the stress of this in the middle of everything else! I think you can just start referring to your spouse again and if people ask, you can say, “He’s been out of town for months — long story — but he’s back now!” You don’t owe people the details of your marriage, and this statement gives them the parts that are relevant to them: he’s not new, he’s been away, and he’s back now.

If he moves out again in the future, you could use that same formulation — “he’s away right now” or even, if you’re comfortable with it, “we’re living apart right now.”

3. Why can’t our interns write good social media posts?

I work for a small arts organization, and one of my many responsibilities is to manage the organization’s social media feeds. I feel like I have outgrown that aspect of my role, but seeing as there is very little chance that we will hire a new person to oversee social media, I try to share the posting load with our various interns.

The issue I am running into is that every single intern I’ve worked with in the last three years can’t seem to get our institutional voice right. Last year, I began requesting a social media writing sample with intern applications, and I still struggled with the multiple candidates we have hired since then. A lot of the time, the writing misstates key ideas, misrepresents an artists’ work, or is flat-out grammatically incorrect. I struggle with editing these posts in such a way that the intern’s voice remains meaningfully present while the text accurately, eloquently, and professionally reflects my org. It takes up a ton of time and often I end up rewriting the posts entirely. I’m not sure if I’m doing a bad job outlining expectations, giving confusing feedback, or just setting my expectations too high for these interns. Any advice?

The work you need done takes real writing skill and professional expertise — especially being able to master an organization’s voice — and most interns won’t have that.

You might be able to coach some of them into it, but (a) you’d need to make writing skills a main trait you screen for when you hire, (b) it’s going to take real investment of your time (doing things like sitting with them to compare their version to your version and talking through the differences), and (c) a lot of them still won’t be able to do it. If your goal is to spend less bandwidth on social media, this coaching process will achieve the opposite: it will create more work for you. That probably means it’s not a great intern task, since just when you get someone trained (if you do), they’ll be moving on. (It would be great for them! But it probably doesn’t align with your goal of getting the work off your plate.)

4. Nosy coworker in an open office

I work in-office for a team of ~30. Our office is set-up such that the junior employees work in an open office and the senior employees have their own cubicles or private offices. As a result, the junior employees have almost no privacy. In particular, my desk is very (in)conveniently located next to a high foot-traffic area, so pretty much everyone in the office walks by my desk around 10 times a day and has a full view of all three of my monitors.

So far, it hasn’t bothered me too much, as none of the work I’m doing is confidential to my team and I rarely browse the internet for non-work reasons. However, there is one coworker, “Nicholas,” who is about five years my senior who drives me absolutely insane.

Nicholas walks by my desk about 10 times a day. Each time, he cranes his neck and turns his head a full 90 degrees so that he can very conspicuously stare at my monitors as he walks past. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, because I’m not looking at anything I shouldn’t be looking at, and it’s not like he’s seeing anything he shouldn’t, but it drives me insane. No one else at the office does this, only Nicholas. Nicholas also doesn’t have a direct supervisory role over me, so there’s no reason he needs to do this, either.

I thought it only bothered me, but at a recent happy hour, I learned that all of my other junior coworkers have the same problem with Nicholas. So it seems clear to me that this is a “him” issue, and not a “me” issue.

I know this is low-stakes, but it drives me up the wall. I don’t know if it would be professionally appropriate for me to “confront” him about this and ask him to stop. I’m also leaving this role in about half a year, so I’ve considered just ignoring this and biting my tongue for the length of my stint here. What should I do?

Because you’re junior to him, you’ve probably just got to live with it; it’s one of the annoying things about working in an open office. If he weren’t senior to you, you could probably say something like, “I don’t know if you realize that every time you walk by, it seems like you’re craning your neck to look at my monitors; it’s really distracting.” But you’re junior and he’s senior to you? I wouldn’t.

That said, there are subtler ways to approach it. For example, you could try looking up expectantly every time he does it, like you think he needs something from you, or even saying, “Did you need something from me?” It’s possible that doing that a few times would clue him in that he’s throwing you off from your work … but it also may not.

5. Can I ask my interviewer if they’re considering internal candidates?

I was recently interviewed for a position that I thought I was a good fit for, and the recruiter who reached out to me seemed to agree. However, by the end of the interview, I realized that the manager had asked no questions about practicalities— travel frequency, my availability, etc. That, plus a few other factors, made me suspect there was a strong internal candidate.

Would it have been appropriate to ask if they were considering any internal candidates? I guess it wouldn’t have changed anything for me at that point, but it would have helped me adjust my expectations (I was declined in the end).

You can ask, but it won’t tell you anything conclusive. They might have an internal candidate who they already know they don’t want to hire. They might have an internal candidate they’re not wed to and they’re considering others just as strongly. Or sure, they might already have someone internal they plan to hire (or someone external they plan to hire, for that matter). You won’t have any way of knowing.

The fact that your interviewer wasn’t asking the questions you expected doesn’t necessarily point to an internal candidate! It points to a bad interviewer, and those are at least as common as interviewers who just go through the motions because they’ve already selected someone else.

Related:
do internal candidates have a better chance at the job?

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I really have to attend a company dinner?

I work remotely for a virtual company that has quarterly in-person meetings for the leadership team. I am administrative but travel with the team. There is a team dinner the night before the meetings. I bowed out of the last dinner because a family member was located nearby and I chose to dine with them instead. The president of the company with whom I work closely seemed put off. She has mentioned it at least three times that she thought I would have dinner with the team.

I’m appreciative of the invite but have no desire to dine with them. I know I’m a respected member of the team (in fact, I’ve been with the company the longest out of the entire leadership team). I’m well-liked, friendly, and approachable during work hours. I’m fiercely territorial about my off hours and my desire to choose my dinner companion, if anyone at all. I view this invite as optional since it really is just a social gathering before the actual meeting and it is an event that takes place outside of normal business hours.

We have another in-person meeting next month and there’s a dinner. Do I have to attend?

You should attend. The exception would be if you have a medical need to opt out, like if you aren’t doing indoor dining because of Covid.

Sometimes it’s part of the job to put in face time at stuff like this, especially if (a) you work remotely the rest of the time, (b) you’re part of the leadership team, and/or (c) it’s part of a business trip that your company has flown you out for. Any one of those factors would mean you should attend.

We can debate whether or not it should be that way, but the reality is that it is. Moreover, your company president has made it clear that while you view it as optional, she doesn’t. There may be real professional consequences to opting out, even if they’re not immediately apparent.

See it as the price you pay for not having to deal with people in person the rest of the time.

2. My boss is moody and distant

I have a manager who I used to feel was a friend for three years or so. We got along great and never had any problems. Then one day she told me she felt I wanted more in our work relationship and she had pulled back from me. When I explained that all I ever wanted was to be friends, it seems like she started going through periods of moodiness with me.

It has been depressing that I once enjoyed my job and seeing a boss I considered as a friend who supported me as a person and professionally is no longer the same. She has even admitted that she is only rude to me and doesn’t know why. Her body language over the few years that have passed since our conversation seems more annoyed with me now and is sometimes out of the blue.

She is more moody with everyone now, but seems to let it out more with me. I have tried to talk to her about the stress I feel because she sometimes is short or annoyed when I talk to her, but she becomes very agitated and angry with me. She states it’s none of my business when she’s quiet or unfriendly. I would quit my job now because of the stress I feel at times due to this. I just don’t know how to deal with this emotional roller coaster anymore. It’s hard seeing the kind person I use to know but never knowing when the cold, distant, and angry person is going to come out. I am struggling. What can I do?

I can’t say for sure what’s going on with your manager but since she’s moody with everyone, it’s most likely  about something that’s going on with her, rather than the rest of you. That said, we do know that the one time she addressed it, she said that she felt you wanted more from the relationship than she did. That’s worth paying attention to; for whatever reason, she doesn’t want the relationship it seemed like you had previously. (Her instincts there are right, even though the way she’s handling it is bad: managers really can’t be friends with their employees. Friendly, yes, but not friends. More here.)

That also tracks with her getting agitated when you talk about feeling stressed by her responses to you or when you ask why she’s being quiet. Those aren’t really conversations for your manager; they’re conversations for a friend, and she’s tried to say that’s not the relationship she wants. (She’s handling this badly, to be clear! But I suspect that’s what’s going on.)

As for what to do: it would be a good idea to job search. I’m skeptical that she’s being a great manager to any of you, and it sounds like this has become a major source of stress for you.

Meanwhile, respect the fact that she wants a fairly distant relationship. Treat her like your manager, not a friend or former friend, and I suspect you’ll attract less of her ire for however much more time you remain there.

Related:
my boss has mini mean flashes

3. Interviewer said “thanks for making this easy for me” and walked away

I wanted to ask you about a strange interview experience I had when I was fresh out of undergrad. At that time, I was still trying to find a full-time job, so I was interviewing at restaurants to make money in the interim. I was planning to move away and continue my education at some point in the next couple of years.

This particular interview started off normal, but at some point the interviewer asked about my future plans. I told him the same thing: “I plan to get another degree in maybe a year and a half or two years, probably at (location).” He replied something like, “Thanks for making this easy for me,” and then stood up, shook my hand, and walked away. I was so confused I just smiled and shook his hand, and left feeling pretty bad. I asked my family what happened, and they guessed that they didn’t want to hire me if I wouldn’t be there in a couple of years. Ultimately I’m thankful that I didn’t end up working for someone who, I felt, treated me rudely. But my question is, was the interviewer being reasonable about not wanting to hire me? To me it seems like restaurants shouldn’t make it a requirement that their new hires commit to working there for more than a couple of years, but maybe I am out of touch.

Yeah, it’s not uncommon for interviewers not to want to hire people who plan to leave in 18-24 months, but typically that’s less of an issue at a restaurant, where high turnover is more common. That said, maybe he’s been able to hire people who all stay a long time, in which case more power to him.

But he was rude about it! He could — and should — have simply said, “We’re looking for someone who wants to stay long-term so I don’t think we’d be the right fit.” I’m quite sure he would have thought it was rude if you, the candidate, responded to some answer of his that you didn’t like with, “Thanks for making this easy for me” and walked away, and he’s no more entitled to do it himself. (Although admittedly, that would also be kind of awesome for a candidate to do and I’d enjoy seeing it.)

4. Coworker keeps calling me a communist

I am Eastern European and I’ve been in the U.S. for the past seven years. My coworker always calls me a “commie” jokingly, but recently he has been relentless. Every time I say something he doesn’t agree with, he says, “Well, that’s because you’re a communist.” I’m really not, nor have I expressed that type of political association. He even said that if I think about criticizing U.S. capitalism, I should go back to my communist country. Again, my country is not communist.

I have asked him to stop and he always says to stop being sensitive and that he is only joking. I am afraid that if I report him, he’ll get a slap on the wrist and he’ll know it was me and could retaliate. There is a promotion coming up and I am one of the potential contenders, while he is one of the people who can influence the ultimate decision on who would get the promotion.

Your employer is legally required to put a stop to your coworker’s comments; it’s against federal law for them to permit an employee to be harassed based on their national origin. The right next step is to talk to HR; tell them what’s happening and what he’s said when you’ve told him to stop. Make sure you also stress that you’re concerned about retaliation and ask how they will ensure that you’re not retaliated against, even subtly.

You might judge that you feel safer waiting to have this conversation until after the promotion decision is made … or you might decide you want HR looped in before that, so they can be on guard for bias in that process. That depends on factors I don’t know, like your sense of how likely this guy is to try to muck up your promotion regardless. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

5. Was my boss implying I’m a slacker?

I do payroll and benefits for a small company. It’s been very stressful lately with new programs, W-2’s, open enrollment, etc. That’s all done now and the next project is a very detailed 401K census. I told my boss I was starting the census data entry, and her reply was, “Please do.” It made me feel like she was implying that I’ve been slacking off. Am I being overly sensitive?

Yeah, I think you’re reading something into it that’s not there. Unless your boss has a pattern of implying you’re not picking up work quickly enough, “please do” in this context most likely just means “yes, that should indeed be the next priority” or “go for it!”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee is demanding Diet Coke as a religious accommodation

My friend is a manager at a public health-focused nonprofit whose mission is focused on building healthier communities by improving access to healthier choices, like walking trails and fresh produce (among other things). They offer some health-related perks to employees — think, subsidized public transit and gym memberships, bike storage at the office, fresh fruit at the office — and also have some policies banning things that are known to lead to poor health outcomes, like smoking. One of the things they have banned is soda, which is not allowed at company events and which the company will not pay for.

They are having a fundraiser in a few weeks where there will be a bar serving beer, wine, several healthy mocktails, and sparkling water. Guests will receive two drink tickets as part of their admission that they can use for whatever they’d like, whether alcoholic or not. It is definitely not an alcohol focused event at all — I have attended their fundraises in the past, and the health focus of the nonprofit’s mission means the majority of the people attending are not big drinkers.

My friend supervises an employee, “Jane,” who does not drink for religious reasons, but who drinks a lot of Diet Coke (she brings several bottles to the office daily). Jane is insisting she should be able to order Diet Coke at the event since she does not drink, and thinks the company should make an exception to their policy to accommodate her religion. As far as my friend is aware, there is not a religious reason why Jane can’t drink any of the other non-alcoholic beverages that will be offered. He does not want to make this kind of exception because of the impression it might give to their potential donors, but is concerned there might be legal repercussions if he says no. What is the best way for him to handle this situation?

There’s no legal requirement to provide Diet Coke as a religious accommodation. They definitely should ensure there are non-alcoholic options there, but they’re already doing that.

If they weren’t a health-focused nonprofit with a policy of not providing soda at their events because of their mission and an employee were asking for it, I’d say to spend the few bucks it would take to make an employee feel taken care of at an event, even if it’s a bit of a silly request. It’s not often you can make someone happy for a couple of dollars, and when you can, you should. But this is a health-oriented organization that explicitly doesn’t serve sodas and has legitimate reason to be concerned about sending mixed messages to donors. Your friend should reiterate the organization’s policy and tell her there will be a variety of non-alcoholic options to choose from.

2. Coworker’s desk is covered with photos of feet

Joan works with me in an office of about 25 people. It is a laid-back advertising and graphic design office, and most people freely talk about non-work related things throughout the day.

When it comes to Joan, aside from her job here, she is also a foot model for advertisements (not fetish stuff). This would be of little concern to me normally, but her work station is plastered in photos of her feet from various publications. She has also occasionally given demonstrations of what are apparently the best ways to pose one’s feet for photographs, and sometimes comments (always positively) about colleagues feet and how they should get into foot modelling too.

We have clients and various external persons come in and out through the office during the day, and they have to pass Joan’s feet-filled work station. Although her coworkers have context on her foot obsession and most don’t seem to mind it, these external parties do not, and I’m worried it could deter them from engaging with us. Am I right to be worried about this?

I don’t think you’re wrong to worry. If I were a client coming into your office and passed a work area plastered in photos of feet … well, I might think “I guess that person works on some sort of foot-related campaign” … but I’d probably be as likely to think “that feels weird and fetishy.” I would definitely not think “oh, the desk of a foot model!”

If you’re Joan’s manager or otherwise have some authority in this situation, you wouldn’t be wrong to explain it looks odd to people without context and ask her to tone down the foot decor.

However, I’m now very interested in knowing the best ways to pose one’s feet for photographs.

3. My remote employee didn’t bother to meet with me when they were in town

I have a remote employee who travels to the city where our company headquarters is and where I am based once a quarter. Occasionally, they come to the city for work-related reasons that are not directly connected to our department. I found out today that this person had been in town for the entire week when they previously told me they had planned to be in the city for two days. They’re supposed to notify me when they are traveling and working outside of their regular work location, so I need to address that from an administrative standpoint.

What I don’t get and what I am really confused about is why this employee doesn’t proactively set up time to meet with me when they are in town?

If I only got to see the person making decisions about my promotions and salary increases four times a year in-person, I would want to take advantage of any opportunity I had to interact with them. I’m not sure if it’s lack of awareness of business norms or disengagement. This person has previously asked me about the path to promotion, so it’s hard for me to imagine they’ve totally checked out. It just seems rude to come to the city and not ask your boss if they have time to meet for coffee. Do you have any advice for me?

Ask them to start setting up time to meet with you when they’re in town.

I see where you’re coming from with being surprised that they’re not doing this on their own, but a lot of people wouldn’t think to do it. They figure you’re busy, or they figure they talk to you all the time anyway, or they just haven’t been exposed to the stuff that says “take opportunities to form a face-to-face relationship with your boss.” It’s so common that you shouldn’t read much into it or consider it rude. Just let them know that you’d like them to do it going forward, if in fact you would.

It’s also useful to keep in mind that there’s a difference between “X is smart to do for your career” and “it’s a problem if someone doesn’t do X.”

4. When your boss asks if you’re looking for another job

A while back, some of my coworkers gave notice within a week of each other (totally unplanned on their part), which prompted my manager to ask some of the remaining team members, “Are you looking for another job, too?”

I’m assuming the answer to that question is almost always “no, I’m not,” but is there ever a situation where you could say, “Well, yes, because XYZ”?

It’s almost never in your interest to give your manager a heads-up that you’re job searching before you’re ready to give notice. You could end up pushed out before you’re ready to leave, on a list for layoffs “because you’re on your way out anyway,” or sidelined from projects that could help your career because your manager figures you could be gone any day.

And you’re certainly not obligated to disclose that you’re job searching just because your manager asks. That’s not a question they’re entitled to an honest answer to, given the power dynamics and the fact that your ability to pay for food and housing probably depends on keeping your job until you’re ready to leave it.

5. Applying to a company where I previously withdrew from a hiring process

I applied for a job in an adjacent industry (think the vendors that service my current industry) last year when I was feeling unfulfilled. I didn’t hear back right away and kept job searching. I was eventually offered a position somewhere else. I rejected it because we couldn’t come to terms on salary and remote work, and my company ultimately offered me more money with a verbal promise of a title bump at the end of the fiscal year.

While this was all happening, I got and accepted a first interview with the vendor company. I was invited to the second round, but I withdrew upon getting the counteroffer from my current job. I felt like I’d burn way too many bridges to leave (and I’d have to give up a volunteer role in my industry). When I withdrew, I apologized and cited seeing my commitments through the fiscal year (a teammate had also left and so my area would’ve been short-staffed). The hiring manager expressed her understanding.

It’s been over a year and I’m honestly still a bit unsatisfied — I know that’s the danger of counter offers! My company never gave me a title bump even though I took on more work. I saw peers get promoted as well. I’m still well connected with folks at the vendor company and a friend there nudged me that they’re hiring again. I’m still interested and want to apply.

But how do I professionally mention why I withdrew? And when do I mention it? It’s the elephant in the room, and I’d ask if I were the hiring manager. Is it worth spending a few sentences in my cover letter talking about it? Do I wait for the first interview (if I get one?)

It’s not a big deal to have withdrawn from their hiring process last year, especially since you explained why and especially after only one interview. (If you had gone through multiple interviews, received an offer, and then spent a week agonizing before giving them an answer … well, you could still reapply now, but you’d need to be more prepared to speak to what had changed.)

Just mention it right up-front in your cover letter: “I had an initial interview with you about a similar role last year, but ended up withdrawing from your hiring process when I realized I wanted to see out some commitments here. I’m still very interested, and the timing is much better for me to make a move. I liked what I learned last time about your work with X and Y, and I’d love to talk about your ___ opening.”

You should also send a note to the hiring manager since you’d talked with her directly before, refreshing her memory about your previous conversation(s) and mentioning that you’re applying again now.

Read an update to this letter.