Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee is demanding Diet Coke as a religious accommodation

My friend is a manager at a public health-focused nonprofit whose mission is focused on building healthier communities by improving access to healthier choices, like walking trails and fresh produce (among other things). They offer some health-related perks to employees — think, subsidized public transit and gym memberships, bike storage at the office, fresh fruit at the office — and also have some policies banning things that are known to lead to poor health outcomes, like smoking. One of the things they have banned is soda, which is not allowed at company events and which the company will not pay for.

They are having a fundraiser in a few weeks where there will be a bar serving beer, wine, several healthy mocktails, and sparkling water. Guests will receive two drink tickets as part of their admission that they can use for whatever they’d like, whether alcoholic or not. It is definitely not an alcohol focused event at all — I have attended their fundraises in the past, and the health focus of the nonprofit’s mission means the majority of the people attending are not big drinkers.

My friend supervises an employee, “Jane,” who does not drink for religious reasons, but who drinks a lot of Diet Coke (she brings several bottles to the office daily). Jane is insisting she should be able to order Diet Coke at the event since she does not drink, and thinks the company should make an exception to their policy to accommodate her religion. As far as my friend is aware, there is not a religious reason why Jane can’t drink any of the other non-alcoholic beverages that will be offered. He does not want to make this kind of exception because of the impression it might give to their potential donors, but is concerned there might be legal repercussions if he says no. What is the best way for him to handle this situation?

There’s no legal requirement to provide Diet Coke as a religious accommodation. They definitely should ensure there are non-alcoholic options there, but they’re already doing that.

If they weren’t a health-focused nonprofit with a policy of not providing soda at their events because of their mission and an employee were asking for it, I’d say to spend the few bucks it would take to make an employee feel taken care of at an event, even if it’s a bit of a silly request. It’s not often you can make someone happy for a couple of dollars, and when you can, you should. But this is a health-oriented organization that explicitly doesn’t serve sodas and has legitimate reason to be concerned about sending mixed messages to donors. Your friend should reiterate the organization’s policy and tell her there will be a variety of non-alcoholic options to choose from.

2. Coworker’s desk is covered with photos of feet

Joan works with me in an office of about 25 people. It is a laid-back advertising and graphic design office, and most people freely talk about non-work related things throughout the day.

When it comes to Joan, aside from her job here, she is also a foot model for advertisements (not fetish stuff). This would be of little concern to me normally, but her work station is plastered in photos of her feet from various publications. She has also occasionally given demonstrations of what are apparently the best ways to pose one’s feet for photographs, and sometimes comments (always positively) about colleagues feet and how they should get into foot modelling too.

We have clients and various external persons come in and out through the office during the day, and they have to pass Joan’s feet-filled work station. Although her coworkers have context on her foot obsession and most don’t seem to mind it, these external parties do not, and I’m worried it could deter them from engaging with us. Am I right to be worried about this?

I don’t think you’re wrong to worry. If I were a client coming into your office and passed a work area plastered in photos of feet … well, I might think “I guess that person works on some sort of foot-related campaign” … but I’d probably be as likely to think “that feels weird and fetishy.” I would definitely not think “oh, the desk of a foot model!”

If you’re Joan’s manager or otherwise have some authority in this situation, you wouldn’t be wrong to explain it looks odd to people without context and ask her to tone down the foot decor.

However, I’m now very interested in knowing the best ways to pose one’s feet for photographs.

3. My remote employee didn’t bother to meet with me when they were in town

I have a remote employee who travels to the city where our company headquarters is and where I am based once a quarter. Occasionally, they come to the city for work-related reasons that are not directly connected to our department. I found out today that this person had been in town for the entire week when they previously told me they had planned to be in the city for two days. They’re supposed to notify me when they are traveling and working outside of their regular work location, so I need to address that from an administrative standpoint.

What I don’t get and what I am really confused about is why this employee doesn’t proactively set up time to meet with me when they are in town?

If I only got to see the person making decisions about my promotions and salary increases four times a year in-person, I would want to take advantage of any opportunity I had to interact with them. I’m not sure if it’s lack of awareness of business norms or disengagement. This person has previously asked me about the path to promotion, so it’s hard for me to imagine they’ve totally checked out. It just seems rude to come to the city and not ask your boss if they have time to meet for coffee. Do you have any advice for me?

Ask them to start setting up time to meet with you when they’re in town.

I see where you’re coming from with being surprised that they’re not doing this on their own, but a lot of people wouldn’t think to do it. They figure you’re busy, or they figure they talk to you all the time anyway, or they just haven’t been exposed to the stuff that says “take opportunities to form a face-to-face relationship with your boss.” It’s so common that you shouldn’t read much into it or consider it rude. Just let them know that you’d like them to do it going forward, if in fact you would.

It’s also useful to keep in mind that there’s a difference between “X is smart to do for your career” and “it’s a problem if someone doesn’t do X.”

4. When your boss asks if you’re looking for another job

A while back, some of my coworkers gave notice within a week of each other (totally unplanned on their part), which prompted my manager to ask some of the remaining team members, “Are you looking for another job, too?”

I’m assuming the answer to that question is almost always “no, I’m not,” but is there ever a situation where you could say, “Well, yes, because XYZ”?

It’s almost never in your interest to give your manager a heads-up that you’re job searching before you’re ready to give notice. You could end up pushed out before you’re ready to leave, on a list for layoffs “because you’re on your way out anyway,” or sidelined from projects that could help your career because your manager figures you could be gone any day.

And you’re certainly not obligated to disclose that you’re job searching just because your manager asks. That’s not a question they’re entitled to an honest answer to, given the power dynamics and the fact that your ability to pay for food and housing probably depends on keeping your job until you’re ready to leave it.

5. Applying to a company where I previously withdrew from a hiring process

I applied for a job in an adjacent industry (think the vendors that service my current industry) last year when I was feeling unfulfilled. I didn’t hear back right away and kept job searching. I was eventually offered a position somewhere else. I rejected it because we couldn’t come to terms on salary and remote work, and my company ultimately offered me more money with a verbal promise of a title bump at the end of the fiscal year.

While this was all happening, I got and accepted a first interview with the vendor company. I was invited to the second round, but I withdrew upon getting the counteroffer from my current job. I felt like I’d burn way too many bridges to leave (and I’d have to give up a volunteer role in my industry). When I withdrew, I apologized and cited seeing my commitments through the fiscal year (a teammate had also left and so my area would’ve been short-staffed). The hiring manager expressed her understanding.

It’s been over a year and I’m honestly still a bit unsatisfied — I know that’s the danger of counter offers! My company never gave me a title bump even though I took on more work. I saw peers get promoted as well. I’m still well connected with folks at the vendor company and a friend there nudged me that they’re hiring again. I’m still interested and want to apply.

But how do I professionally mention why I withdrew? And when do I mention it? It’s the elephant in the room, and I’d ask if I were the hiring manager. Is it worth spending a few sentences in my cover letter talking about it? Do I wait for the first interview (if I get one?)

It’s not a big deal to have withdrawn from their hiring process last year, especially since you explained why and especially after only one interview. (If you had gone through multiple interviews, received an offer, and then spent a week agonizing before giving them an answer … well, you could still reapply now, but you’d need to be more prepared to speak to what had changed.)

Just mention it right up-front in your cover letter: “I had an initial interview with you about a similar role last year, but ended up withdrawing from your hiring process when I realized I wanted to see out some commitments here. I’m still very interested, and the timing is much better for me to make a move. I liked what I learned last time about your work with X and Y, and I’d love to talk about your ___ opening.”

You should also send a note to the hiring manager since you’d talked with her directly before, refreshing her memory about your previous conversation(s) and mentioning that you’re applying again now.

Read an update to this letter. 

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should you call to “confirm” an interview when you don’t really have one?

I’ve been seeing a trend lately of job hunters claiming an extremely effective strategy is to call companies to confirm an interview claiming you already have one scheduled with them (when you don’t). Most times, they won’t question it or don’t want to admit to someone farther up the chain they may have missed or lost an application, so they schedule the interview. I would personally never use this strategy myself as using any degree of dishonesty in the job application process makes me very uncomfortable, but I can see why it could be effective and may appeal to desperate job hunters. I’m curious what your thoughts are on this trend? Is it a good or bad idea?

This is a horrible idea and won’t work at any competently-run organization. If you call to confirm an interview and they don’t see one scheduled, they’re not going to just say “oh yes, let me confirm that,” especially if that time is already booked for something else or if they haven’t even started booking interviews yet. They’re going to investigate in some way, and that’s probably going to involve looking up your application, at which point they’ll find no indication you’re supposed to be interviewing. And then they’re going to say, “It looks like there was some kind of mix-up, and we don’t have any indication we invited you to interview.”

At best they’ll assume you mixed them up with some other employer, which makes you look disorganized (and they’re going to wonder if you’ll mix up important appointments if they hired you).  At worst, they’ll know exactly what you’re doing — it’s not like “call to schedule an interview” hasn’t been a tactic pitched to desperate job hunters for years.

I suppose this could work somewhere really chaotic (or possibly at, like, the frozen yogurt shop I worked at as a teenager), but it’s not going to get you an interview anywhere you’d want to work, and it’s highly likely to get you blackballed from the places you do.

2. My coworker has imaginary cats

I work in a cat-loving office. My coworkers and I regularly share stories about our cats and talk about their various adventures, likes, dislikes, etc. No one is more affectionate and excited to talk about her cats than my coworker JJ, and she gives us daily accounts of what her two cats have been up to and what toys or treats she has picked out for them.

The problem is, and I just discovered this through a mutual friend of JJ’s sister, is that her cats passed away years ago. All this time she is speaking in present tense about them. This reminds me of the move Psycho, in which Norman Bates has such an attachment to his mother that he convinces himself she is still alive and with him after her death.

I am not sure if she this is just something harmless she knowingly does to allow her to join in on the conversation more easily, or if she actually sees her cats there with her each day and needs some mental health support. Should I bring this up with anyone or change how I interact with her, or just go along with it?

Oh, this is so sad if it’s true! But I don’t think you should assume it is. JJ’s sister’s friend might have her information wrong, and it’s also easy to imagine a letter saying, “It was too hard for me to tell my coworkers when my cats died and so I just didn’t mention it, and now it’s been several years that I’ve let them believe they’re alive. How do I get out of this when it’s gone on so long?”

As long as you’re not seeing any other signs of delusions, this isn’t something you need to act on. The kindest thing you can do is to just leave it alone and pretend you never heard it.

3. Coworker baby-talks to my pregnant belly

I’m pregnant with my husband and my first baby (yay! we are so excited and this baby was very much planned and wanted!) and I’m continuing to work through my pregnancy. Most everyone in my office has been supportive, thoughtful, and not awkward, but I have someone in my office making me incredibly uncomfortable. She is an older woman with grandchildren and I am starting to show pretty obviously. When I get up from my office to go to the restroom or grab papers off of the printer, I try to hide my belly from her because she keeps making baby voices directed at my belly and telling me how things were when she was pregnant.

I am pretty professional and more friendly with a few people in the office and don’t mind the “how are you feeling?” or “oh we’ve moved to maternity clothes?” which I can handle pretty well, but baby talking to my belly is aggravating. I am pregnant, but I’m still the same person I was before I told the office about my pregnancy and before I was pregnant.

How can I tell them that this is making me uncomfortable? To further complicate things, this other person reports to a completely different department, so I can’t go up my chain of command either.

People are so weird about pregnancy. Let’s be glad she’s not trying to stroke your belly.

Try saying this: “I’m trying not to talk about the pregnancy at work since it can be so distracting, thanks for understanding.” And then if she continues after that: “Like I mentioned, I really don’t want to discuss my pregnancy at work.” And if necessary, “I know you mean well, but baby talk directed at my belly is really distracting — please don’t do that.” (Or if it’s more your style, there’s also, “I really don’t like when you do that and would appreciate if you’d stop” or “it weirds me out when you talk to my belly, please don’t.”)

4. My boss runs a side business with my coworker

If my immediate supervisor has a business with one of my coworkers (she is their supervisor too), is it a conflict of interest? I am treated unfairly while this employee, Katelyn, does what she wants.

Yes, it’s a huge conflict of interest. If she runs a business with your coworker, she has a separate financial interest in that relationship — which calls into question her ability to fairly and impartially manage her. For example, how willing is she going to be to have uncomfortable performance management conversations with Katelyn about Company A when there’s inherent pressure to keep their relationship harmonious for Company B? What if she needed to lay off someone on her team at Company A — is she really going to pick her business partner from Company B? What if someone brings her a complaint about Katelyn — will they be able to trust that she’ll handle it impartially when it’s about her business partner somewhere else? (Answer: almost certainly not. Even if she’s scrupulously impartial in practice, the relationship will make people worry that she’s not.)

Does your employer have a conflict of interest policy? If so, this is almost certainly a violation of that. Even if they don’t, it’s still something you could bring to someone’s attention, because it’s shady as hell.

5. Can I ask to switch jobs internally after moving internally seven months ago?

I work at a small company in a niche field — for privacy, let’s say I work at a regional theater. I was hired in 2018 to work on our youth theater program; last year, due to changes in the program, my role was phased out. My then-manager (Arya, the owner) offered to transfer me to another role rather than let me go entirely. I was offered my choice of two positions: I could work with Brienne, our managing director, in a support role similar to an executive assistant, or I could work with Jaime, our design director, and take a bunch of lower-level design tasks off his plate so he could focus on bigger projects.

Design is a big passion of mine, and a field I’ve freelanced in for several years, so I thought working with Jaime would be a great fit. It looked like the majority of my work tasks would be things I really enjoyed and had experience in, and maybe 20% would be social media and marketing. That wasn’t something I had much experience in, but it seemed like a fairly small part of the job and something I’d enjoy well enough, so I agreed and started this role last June.

Well, in the months since then, I’ve learned two things: 1) I absolutely hate social media and marketing, and 2) social media and marketing accounts for at least 80% of my role. There are many weeks I don’t work on the tasks I enjoy at all and my entire week is just dedicated to marketing. I’m miserable. I’m constantly struggling and frustrated with myself; I hate more than 80% of the tasks on my to-do list each week, so I dread going into work. On top of that, having to spend my days doing design work I hate has killed my passion for design. It used to be my go-to way to relax, but I haven’t done any personal projects in months.

I’m willing to leave over this, and I think I’ll probably start job searching soon. However, the position supporting Brienne is still unfilled. Would it be possible for me to just … ask to move to that position? If I can, do you have any tips for how to frame that, and if I should speak to Jaime, Brienne, or Arya about it first? Or do I need to just accept that I agreed to work this position, so I’m stuck working it until I can find a job at a new company? I don’t think it would be possible to just ask for my current role to involve less marketing. The only other person those tasks could go to is Jaime, and his plate is now so full of high-level tasks that he doesn’t have the time to take this work back on. I haven’t talked to him about it yet because I don’t know if there’s anything he could do and I’m worried about jeopardizing my job if I talk to him about it too soon.

Do you want the support job with Brienne, or does it just look better than what you’re doing now? If you don’t really want that job, it might make more sense to just job search and leave when you find something else.

But if you genuinely think you’d enjoy and be good at the work for Brienne, then talk to Arya. She floated the option of that job originally, it’s still unfilled, and it’s okay to go back to her and say, “This role ended up being different than what we’d anticipated. I’m trying my best at it, but I see that the admin job hasn’t been filled and I’m wondering if that’s still an option for me, if you still think it would be a good fit.”

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Surly coworker resents that he’s in a junior role

Ted and I were in the same PhD cohort at the same university, where we both now teach. However, I am in a senior position to him, having gained significantly more experience in the interim. We’re both on fixed-term contracts, although mine is longer and better-paid. I have an administrative role and research responsibilities, whereas Ted is contracted only to teach—the most junior position available. This semester, I am convening a class. Ted has been allocated to teach a few sessions, which makes me his immediate “line manager” in this realm.

Ted is some years older than me and came from a different career entirely, in which he was quite senior. His old job is relevant to what we both now teach: imagine I’m teaching Sociology of Basket Weaving, and Ted used to be a Senior Basket Weaver. He makes it obvious to everyone around him that he believes his experience makes him far too good for his current position. However, being a Senior Basket Weaver is a completely different skill set to being faculty at a college. Ted doesn’t understand this, and told me that he expected to easily walk into a senior academic job once he finished his PhD by virtue of his previous professional achievements.

The issue is that Ted does not want to do any work on my class and does not hide his disdain about being junior to me. He regularly pushes back when asked to take on work, despite his whole job being to teach classes and mark assignments. When I delivered an introductory lecture for the class and asked him to briefly introduce himself to the students he’d be teaching, he stood up, gave a surly “Yeah, hi,” and sat down again.

I believe the catalyst for this negativity was last month, when I declined to put several of his previously published articles on the reading list for my class. They weren’t relevant, were published in a professional journal (for his old career), not an academic one, and were poor quality. I told him that the reading list didn’t need changing and that I’d be leaving it as is. He began to protest, then just stared at me silently, fuming. After he left, I heard doors slamming upstairs. Even as a fairly burly man myself, I was rattled.

I have tried to reduce Ted’s workload, because I am acutely aware of the hellscape that is early-career university teaching – I’ve done his job myself! I’ve given him pre-written lectures and slides. I’ve also taken over some of the teaching responsibilities that were allocated to him by departmental management.

My managers know about Ted’s attitude, but aren’t aware of the issues I’m having with him. I have a good relationship with them and I know they would back me up (one commented that Ted is not adjusting well to his new lack of seniority and that I am the “boss” so I shouldn’t broach any BS and should go to them with any problems) but I don’t want to go above his head. However, dealing with this kind of attitude problem is quite literally above my pay grade and I am increasingly uncomfortable around Ted. I also hate confrontation. Should I just meet him and ask directly what’s going on?

You need to talk to your managers. I know you said you don’t want to go over Ted’s head, but I guarantee you that they’d want to know what’s happening; in fact, they’ve already told you that, and by keeping them in the dark (and also by doing work they’ve assigned to Ted) you’re pretty directly undermining their ability to manage your department, even though that’s not your intent. Think of this way: If you had any other serious work problem that was significantly interfering with your ability to do your job and causing you to do work that your boss believed was being handled by someone else, and you lacked the authority to solve it on your own, wouldn’t you loop in your boss? And if you didn’t, wouldn’t your boss rightly be annoyed if they found out about it later?

And Ted doesn’t deserve this kind of protection from you! This is a person who’s openly surly to you and the students he’s teaching and slams doors after meeting with you (!). If he’s like this with you, what is he like with students? Or with others who might not have the same invitation from your boss to report it? Tell your bosses what’s going on. You and they might conclude from that conversation that the next right step is for you to speak directly with Ted about the problems you’re seeing, but you need them aware of the situation first because Ted’s track record says there’s a good chance he’ll take it badly.

2. Parking lot gate wars

I work as the receptionist/admin at a children’s center that is on-site with a school. We share a parking lot and since it is so small, our employees can only use three spaces. We are unable to offer on-site parking to our visitors due to this.

I have had an ongoing problem with visitors using the parking lot when none of them are supposed to. This is despite including a reminder in room booking confirmations and saying on the gate intercom that the parking lot belongs to the school, not us. The problem is when school staff and their visitors don’t shut the gate behind them, so our visitors sneak in.

It grinds my gears that if the school took responsibility to shut the gate, we wouldn’t have the problem. The school receptionist regularly comes to scold me about it. (At best I have a very limited view of the gate. The school has a much better view.)

The easiest resolution would be to fix the gate, but it is a five-figure sum per repair and keeps breaking as the gate is too heavy for the mechanism. My boss, who has my back on this, has had conversations with the school’s head teacher and receptionist, but they still don’t understand.

It is no exaggeration to say that this situation is one of the reasons I am job searching. Is there anything I can do to make the school understand better?

Ideally the head of your organization would be dealing with the school about this and working out some sort of solution — even if it’s just “this is going to continue, but the school receptionist will stop scolding you about it since you have no control over it.” Short of that, can you get your boss’s blessing to at least tell the receptionist you’re not the right person to address it with and she should speak to your boss instead? (That said, what exactly does “scolding” mean here? If she’s just asking you to have visitors move their cars, that’s not unreasonable. If she’s chastising or berating you, that’s not okay.)

Meanwhile, although you have pretty limited power here, can you think about what pieces are within your control? For example, can you have signs at the gate and at each individual parking space making it clear the spaces are reserved for employees only and visitors’ cars will be towed? Can a sign at your entrance warn visitors their cars will be towed if they park in the lot? As you check people in, can you ask if they parked in the lot and, if they did, tell them they need to move their car ASAP? It’s a frustrating situation, but if you focus on the areas where you do have some influence, it could help.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. My team uses the wrong pronouns for a new client

I work on a small team in a professional services industry. We recently got a new project with a new client. I noticed one person on the client’s team had their pronouns listed as they/them in their email signature. Later, at the beginning of the first meeting, they verbally stated their pronouns to the group.

After the meeting, I had lunch with my team and my boss and coworker kept using the wrong pronouns for the client contact. Since then, they have continued to use the wrong pronouns in our group chat.

Should I say something? How can I bring it up in a professional manner (especially to my boss!). I don’t think they are doing this maliciously, but I do think that the client was clear about their preferences and we need to respect that.

Yes, you should say something — in any situation where this is happening but especially since this is a client, who your company is probably particularly invested in not wanting to alienate or offend. (Obviously they shouldn’t want to alienate or offend anyone, but even if they’re cavalier about pronouns in general, the fact that this is a client may make them less so.)

Be matter-of-fact about it and use a tone that conveys “of course we want to get this right.” You could simply say: “I noticed people referring to Imogen as she/her — they said a few times that they use they/them, so we should be careful to get that right.”

4. I accidentally recorded and sent a transcript of an interview to an interviewer

I work as a freelance designer for a few agencies that only need part-time help here and there. For one client, I was sent a transcript of our call via an AI recording app. In order to read the transcript, I had to make an account. What I didn’t realize is that by making an account through my Google email, I automatically attached this AI app to any Google Meet calls I would subsequently be on. I don’t use Google Meet very much, so I didn’t realize this happened until just now, when I was on a call with a potential new client.

It didn’t bother me that it was recording the meeting, and I saw it as an easy way to access info later. However, when I went to check it I noticed it had also sent a transcript of the call to the interviewer, who is likely very confused as to why I did that. Should I acknowledge it in a follow up email, apologizing for the small mistake? Should I pretend that I meant to do that and not bring it up? I feel like doing the former would make me look bad but the latter would make me look strange. Please let me know if I’m overthinking this or if I should do some damage control.

If something potentially looks strange, I err on the side of explaining even if there’s a risk that the explanation itself will be awkward — because I figure that not saying something and looking like I deliberately did Weird Thing X (in this case, recorded a call without their knowledge and then sent them a transcript of it) risks looking stranger than just explaining it.

So yes, say something! “If you’re confused by receiving that transcript, so was I! I recently made an account with a new app and apparently it transcribes my Google Meet calls. I’ve turned it off and deleted the transcript, but wanted to explain why you received that. It won’t be on in the future!”