can I teach a very disorganized employee to be more independent?

A reader writes:

I have a question about helping my employee get organized. She has two pivotal job duties which are closely tied but not directly linked — I could technically have two people doing each piece separately, but the volume as a small business doesn’t warrant that number of employees. Think the relationship between taking orders and billing/collecting for orders, but not producing the product.

Lenore is great at taking the orders — we almost never have an issue with making sure we got the order and it’s complete. There’s still some handholding she needs after three years, but overall, like I said, no issues here. The billing and collecting for the orders, however, is a bit of a problem. Continuing this overly simplified example, if a person pays their bill on time without question, then Lenore has no issues. She can take the payment, enter it into the system properly, done. But there are three problems:
• keeping track of the orders that have not yet been paid and chasing them down;
• remembering what she has previously done regarding trying to get paid on that account; and
• remembering how to do the stuff that is more complicated — I often have to sit with her and guide her step-by-step, mouse-click-by-mouse-click repeatedly.

I love her, and as far as work ethic and loyalty to the company goes, I wouldn’t fire her for the world. But this is DRAINING me. I am picking up the slack AND losing the time to do my own job. I think it’s important to note that I was promoted from the role that she is doing and while there were times where it was a lot of work, I usually found that with good organization and task management, I didn’t have any major issues.

I see two major problems that no matter how I try to deal with them, I can’t find the right solution. First, time management. I have worked with Lenore to come up with a monthly schedule to work around (since tasks tend to have a monthly routine), then working on other things at down times, but she can’t stick to it — she can’t even remember it. We’ve put it on a literal calendar, but she misplaces it. We hung it on her wall and she just forgets it’s there.

Secondly, organization as a whole. Lenore’s desk is littered with papers. She just puts things in piles. When I ask for something, she has no idea where it is. She’s digging through piles opening drawers, going through folders, flipping through several notebooks. She has no idea where anything is and no memory of what she has done with the tasks. I have sat with her and asked her what would be helpful, and she always says, “I have no idea.” I helped her organize into neatly labeled folders; she has a file drawer and a file tower sorter. I have tried using the task management system that is built in our software, and I have tried Asana. I have tried an online Kanban board (my personal favorite). I have tried a tabbed notebook. She doesn’t use ANY of the tools. She likes the idea of using them but then just … doesn’t. It’s like she puts it down after using it once and forgets it exists. When I ask her about using them, she just says something like, “Oh, I forgot about that. Where did I put it?”

I know she has a lot going on in her personal life and I want to be sympathetic, but that can only go so far.

What are other organizational tools I can give her so that she can be more independent? Especially those that are not electronic/computer based. Can you teach organizational skills and time management skills, and if so, how?

Sometimes you can teach organizational skills and time management. Other times you can’t — at least not in the amount of time that’s reasonably available to a manager.

You’ve tried all the things you should try with Lenore, but you can’t be more invested in getting her organized than she is … and right now, she doesn’t sound that invested in it.

Is there any chance that’s because she doesn’t realize that the level of support you’ve been providing — all the coaching and training and suggestions — isn’t something you want to be providing? Is it possible she doesn’t realize she’s performing way below the job’s requirements? I’m curious how clear you’ve been with her about that, because there’s a lot in your letter about all the coaching you’ve tried but nothing about any serious conversations where you’ve told her that she’s not meeting your expectations in key areas … and that the amount of support you’ve been providing is an effort to help her keep her job, not something that you can sustain long-term.

At this point, you’ve got to be very clear with her about those things. Rather than investing more and more time in trying to figure out the magical system that will finally work for her, focus less on the “how” and more on the “what” — the outcomes you need — and let her know that she needs to figure out how to get there. You’ve made lots of suggestions, and she can try those or she can develop her own systems. But the message needs to be: “Right now you’re not meeting the basic requirements of the job, and I can’t keep you in the job if we can’t solve this.”

Then, be specific: “I need you to come up with systems to follow up on orders that haven’t been paid yet, to track what’s previously been done on each account, and to remember what needs to be done throughout the month — as well as systems for knowing where papers are, so that when I ask for something, you’re able to quickly find it. I’ve suggested a lot of methods and you could try any of those, or you could find your own — it doesn’t matter what system you use, but I do need you to be on top of all of this. I also need you to figure out how you’ll remember the steps for doing things like X and Y since I can’t sit with you each time and walk you through it.. I can walk you through it one more time while you take notes, but after that you will need to manage it on your own.”

I do think you need to be prepared for the (strong?) possibility that Lenore simply isn’t a good fit for this job. Work ethic and loyalty are great, but they aren’t enough on their own. If she doesn’t have the skills to do the job, even after the extensive coaching you’ve provided, you’re better off figuring that out and bringing things to a relatively swift conclusion than continuing to invest more and more time, while you get more and more drained and don’t have enough time for your own work. At a minimum right now, you should be looking into what your company’s processes are for handling it when someone isn’t able to perform at the level needed, and start laying some of that groundwork. (For example, if you’re required to do a written performance improvement plan, start working on that now so that you’re not starting from scratch in two months.)

update: can I offer to pay a coworker’s vet bill?

Remember the letter-writer wondering if they could offer to pay a coworker’s vet bill (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I reached out to my coworker the evening that the letter was published. I texted him and made the offer to cover the testing for a diagnosis, up to a certain amount of money, and that if he was uncomfortable with it, he was free to ignore the text completely. He responded back and was very grateful for the offer! He said that he had just been telling his partner that he wished someone would offer to help him. I told him he could just call me from the vet’s office and I would give them my card information.

Neither of us brought it up at work. We both acted like our normal, friendly selves, as if the conversation had never happened. I didn’t hear any updates on the cat for over a week, and I didn’t want to ask, afraid I would make him feel pressured. So I waited. On Friday, about a week and a half after I made the offer, he texted me that he was on the phone with the vet and they just had something open up and could squeeze him in that day, and was I still willing to help? I told him yes.

He took the cat to the vet and was very sure they were going to find something terrible and that he would have to have the cat put down. Fortunately, it was only a (very severe) infection! The vet called me and I paid for the testing and the antibiotics, which only added up to about half of what I had offered.

That was Friday, and today is Monday, and he told me that the cat has improved drastically already! It sounds like most of the symptoms have cleared up after some aggressive antibiotics. There’s still a little ways to go before the cat is 100% better, but it sounds much less miserable now.

I’m glad to have a happy ending for you! My relationship with my coworker doesn’t feel awkward at all, and we are still just as friendly as always. Thanks again so much to you and your readers for advice!

should I tell my boss my coworker is working a second job during her hours for us?

A reader writes:

I wanted to get your thoughts on something that has bugged me for a while. My coworker has a second job as a photographer and does photoshoots during work hours when we are required to be in the office (only three days a week, mind you). I am aware that Covid created a new way of making money with side hustles and taking on a second remote job, but we are required to be in the office three days a week, and she will show up for a few hours one day, and then we won’t see her for two weeks. To add to that, she does not respond to emails or Teams messages, only doing the bare minimum.

I usually mind my own business, but I would also like to work remotely with no repercussions like my coworker is. Can I tattle? It’s not my nature to tattle, especially since all I’d get out of it is seeing her downfall, but I asked to work remotely in another state and was told no.

I wrote back and asked: “Does it impact your/your coworkers’ work at all? For example, does more work fall on you when she’s not there, or do you have to wait on responses from her that you don’t get while she’s doing her second job?”

Her work doesn’t fall on me, only my coworkers. I don’t work directly with her. But from what I’ve heard, yes, they (and our clients) wait on responses from her. I know leadership is aware as they’ve received complaints about her, but from what I know, haven’t done anything about it. I don’t think the complaints involve her second job, though. I’m not sure a lot of people know about the second job.

This is interesting because it’s not affecting you directly — meaning her work isn’t falling on you — but it’s understandably frustrating that you’d like to work remotely too and have been told no one’s allowed to, when right in front of you is an example of someone flouting that rule with no consequences.

If her absences were affecting you, the answer would be easy: talk to your manager and explain that your coworker is rarely available and you’ve having to cover her work because she’s not around. That keeps it about the impact on you.

I do wonder if it’s really true that it’s not affecting you at all. While you don’t have to pick up actual work for her, if she’s not responding to your messages, that’s a legitimate issue to raise. And you can encourage coworkers who are more affected to talk to your manager themselves.

Beyond that, should you report it if it really doesn’t impact your work? My stance differs depending on your relationship with your team, your boss, and your company. If you like your manager and company — if you’re treated well, you’re invested in the work, you care about seeing your team succeed and see this hurting them, and you know your manager puts real effort into creating the conditions where people can thrive — it could make sense to have a discreet word with your boss.

If those things aren’t true … well, I still understand the impulse but I’d lean away from acting on it. That’s not out of some idea that worker solidarity should keep you quiet (your coworker isn’t entitled to have colleagues cover for her when she’s claiming for herself a benefit you’ve been told no one can have) but simply because it’s not a mess you need to wade into.

I’m also curious about why your manager doesn’t already know what’s going on from her own observations (not the second job, but the lack of availability). I’m guessing she’s not a super effective manager if she doesn’t already realize she’s got a team member who’s AWOL for weeks at a time, not responding to people, and only doing the bare minimum. That doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that she’ll handle it well if you do tip her off (and makes me worry the whole group could be penalized with less remote flexibility overall).

It’s also notable that your leadership has already received complaints about this coworker but that doesn’t seem to have resulted in any changes. What do you know about your leadership, in terms of how assertively they address problems? Do they address things forthrightly or allow problems to fester? (Even managers who are conflict-avoidant will often be moved to act if the volume of complaints goes up. But it’s useful to view this in the context of what you know about them in that regard.)

complaints about a new hire before she’s started, employer sent my rejection to my father, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. We got a complaint call about a new hire before she started

We hired a new executive director, who starts in a week. Did multiple reference checks (including a former direct report and a former supervisor), criminal background check, employment and education verifications, licensure verification, and some casual googling (by an internal HR professional, not an external service). We also have been getting unsolicited “this is an amazing hire/human” calls from various people in the industry around the country. We don’t ask on our application whether there are any pending or potential outstanding liabilities, and have not yet directly addressed this with our new hire.

Yesterday, our comms manager (whose info was on the press release about the hire, which went out six weeks ago) received a call from a woman who identified herself as a former employee of the new ED’s current organization. She said she was filing a lawsuit against that organization for wrongful termination, her program area was not prioritized by the ED, and a couple of irrelevant personal gripes, “just to make us aware.” Our comms manager asked her to put it in writing and send it to our HR (she has not done this yet). A quick google of this woman turns up multiple lawsuits she has filed — not saying any are not legitimate, just that there are several (for varying things, none of which appear to be similar to her current claims).

I feel like our organization has met both our legal obligation and followed reasonable industry best practices for prehire screening. That being said, what would you do in this case?

It’s less an issue of legal obligations and more about guarding against a new organizational leader who could bring serious issues along with them.

But I’m not terribly concerned in this case. It’s hard to say for sure without knowing all the specifics, but when two of the three things mentioned are that the ED didn’t prioritize her program area and some irrelevant personal gripes, there’s probably nothing here you have to pursue. Caveat: I’d be more concerned if the wrongful termination claim is based on truly alarming facts, like if the ED personally led a damaging retaliation campaign after a good-faith complaint of discrimination. But assuming it’s nothing like that, and with the rest of the context provided, this doesn’t sound especially damning, assuming you had a thorough interview process along with the post-interview due diligence you described.

Read an update to this letter

2. Employer sent my rejection to my father, not me

I went into the same industry as my father works in. Recently I applied and interviewed for a position where the manager happened to know my father. There were no chances of me ever encountering my dad while working this position, and in fact even the manager rarely interacted with him. It was really just down to a happenstance of networking. We have an uncommon shared last name and a family resemblance, so while I never made any reference to the family relation in my application or interview, it wouldn’t be difficult to make the connection between us.

The manager ultimately chose not to hire me. Rather than tell me that, though, they reached out to my father to explain that I was a wonderful candidate, someone else with more years of experience interviewed, etc. It was humiliating and infantilizing, and my father wasn’t very impressed either. It’s not like I was a teenager looking for a summer job at my dad’s shop, I’m an adult who simply followed the same career path as him.

How do I avoid being demoralized from this, and at what point does networking become living under my father’s shadow? I’m absolutely mortified, and it was one of the few jobs in the industry that even interviewed me. I’m beginning to question my own qualifications. Was I only considered as a candidate because of my last name? What do I even do about this whole thing?

Is this part of a pattern where you’re continually referred to as “Portius Warbleworth’s daughter” and people see you as an extension of your dad and don’t recognize you for your own skills and achievements, or was this just one weird hiring manager? I’m guessing it was one weird hiring manager since you don’t mention it being part of a pattern … and if that’s the case, you’re giving them much too much power in your brain. There are outlier hiring managers who will do all sorts of weird things, but they’re not representative of what you can expect to find while interviewing.

For what it’s worth, my guess is that the interviewer didn’t decide, “I will relay the rejection through her father, as he is the proper conduit for all matters concerning her professional life” but rather this an employer that doesn’t send rejections at all (which is super common) so you weren’t going to receive one regardless. But then the interviewer wanted to mention it to your dad, the same way they might contact someone who had referred a candidate to let them know the person was great but they ultimately didn’t hire them. That’s still not okay; this is your work life, not your dad’s, and he didn’t refer you — but I suspect it explains what happened.

3. Recruiter asked me to rank my enthusiasm for the job on a scale of 1-10

I’m interviewing for a new job and, for the first time in my career, I’m working with a third party recruiter. After a first round interview last week, I had a phone call debrief with the recruiter, and they asked me: “On a scale of 1-to-10, with 10 being ‘I would accept an offer for this job right now, the organization sounds great’ and 1 being ‘I’m not interested in this position, I’d like to be taken out of the running,’ where would you rank things after that interview?”

I like the recruiter—and I really like the organization!—but I didn’t like the question. I replied that what I’d learned about the organization so far seemed great, and that the interview I’d just participated in was encouraging. But, I said that I didn’t have enough information to accept a job after just one interview. I made it clear that I wanted to move on to the next stage of the interview process, but that I wasn’t looking to rush into a new position without hearing more.

The tail end of the debrief wasn’t awkward, per se, but there was definitely some silence after my answer. I don’t think the recruiter was happy with my response.

Did I misstep here? Is it worth contacting the recruiter (or the company itself) to further clarify that I’m interested in this position? (Beyond what I said to the recruiter and in my thank-you note after the call?) Maybe I’m just overthinking things. Thoughts?

Your answer was fine and you didn’t misstep. Some recruiters try to ensure that candidates are Really! Enthusiastic! at every step, because they don’t want a situation to get to the end of the hiring process and have the candidate turn down an offer. They’re assuring their client (the employer) that you’re interested as the process moves along, and they feel it will reflect badly on them if they put you through the whole process and then you turn it down — or they at least want the opportunity to make sure any concerns you have addressed early on. (Alternately your recruiter is just used to people playing along and giving a number and didn’t like that you declined to partake of their scale. Either way, your answer was fine.)

4. Am I supposed to leave work when I run out of things to do?

I have been working in blue-collar jobs for the past decade (construction, warehousing, etc). My early work experience was mainly in customer service, including front desk/secretary work. As I am transitioning away from manual jobs to more office work, I am having a hard time with the pace that comes with sitting in front of a computer. How much work am I supposed to get done in a day?

I am frequently under-tasked, and since my positions are for small companies and at an arm’s length, it can be hard to get clear answers and/or more work assigned in a short time frame. So I end up leaving early for the day rather than sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I am always scrupulous about only charging for the hours worked. However, that means contracts that are meant to be 24 hours a month are often only bringing in 18 hours of pay. Some of my friends who have more experience in this environment say I am being too honest and that it is up to my employer to make sure they provide enough instruction / tasks to fill my shift. I am so used to being in roles where if you are not actively (physically) working, you aren’t being paid. (Note: none of these roles are public-facing — if I leave one hour early and miss a late in the day email, nobody is affected.)

Your friends are right. It’s not about being “too honest,” but the expectation of most office jobs is that you’ll stay for your whole shift, even if there’s a bunch of downtime. You’re not expected to leave (and decrease your pay) when you run out of tasks, unless that’s something your manager specifically instructs. Part of what you’re being paid for is your availability to take on work if it does materialize. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won’t — but they’ve hired you to be there for a specific set of hours, and you don’t need to leave early when you run out of things to do.

If you want to be conscientious about it, you should ask your manager if there are long-term projects you can work on when things get slow. Or you could see things that need to be done and propose your own projects. But even if you don’t do those things, there’s nothing unscrupulous about staying until the end of your scheduled day.

5. Network access and equipment return after a layoff

My questions are about my responsibilities around network access and equipment return. I’m a remote worker with a company-issued laptop, and was told to expect an email from IT about how to return the laptop; so far, a week has passed and I haven’t heard from IT. What’s a normal timeline for this kind of thing?

I was also told my network access would be revoked at 5 pm on the day I was laid off … but a week has passed and I still have access! (I know this because I have MS Teams on my phone and am still getting chat messages; I have not accessed the company’s cloud storage, VPN, or email servers, or even turned on my work computer.) About 48 hours after my access should have been terminated, when returning my signed severance paperwork, I told the HR person that I still had access and shouldn’t. Do I have an obligation to keep mentioning it, or should I just offload Teams from my phone and forget it?

You don’t have any obligation to keep reminding them to secure their systems. Remove Teams from your phone and forget about it.

With the laptop return, you should have heard by now but sometimes it does take longer (especially if IT was affected by layoffs too). Give it two to three weeks before you get concerned; email again at that point and say you need instructions for returning the laptop ASAP as you’re not comfortable being responsible for it indefinitely.

I’m in charge of our disgusting office kitchen

A reader writes:

I am an administrative assistant for a small company (about 50 people). My problem, especially now that folks are fully returned to office, is the cleanliness of the kitchen.

As any admin in charge of the office kitchen will tell you, it is a NIGHTMARE. Food left on counters, molding fruit in the fridge, stolen cutlery, dishes left “to soak” for eternity. Think of your worst roommate and multiply that by an entire office. It is a nightmare. I am fairly early in my career (two years in) and don’t have much authority. However, since I do the ordering and restocking for the kitchen, the kitchen is technically my job and when things are a mess, they are left for me to clean up. I receive reports from my coworkers all day about the state of the kitchen, even if I have just cleaned it!

I have asked our staff repeatedly to clean up after themselves and their guests and yet, every day I come in to a sink full of dishes that I have to clean, and dried food stuck to the countertops. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

To make matters worse, if I choose to leave the mess in a statement of resistance, my boss will clean it and then let me know that he had to clean the kitchen since no one else will.

I have made announcements at meetings. I have made signs. I have sent emails. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I am screaming into the void that I don’t want to scoop oatmeal out of the sink drains! Every time this comes up I am met with shocked faces and exclamations of “who could do this! That’s so rude and gross!” but someone HAS TO BE DOING IT!!! This can’t be a shock to everyone! I am at my wit’s end and could use literally ANY advice on how to make a group of grown adults treat a shared space with respect.

Based on the experiences of other offices everywhere: You can’t. People are filthy heathens. It’s the tragedy of the commons.

Or at least, you can’t fix it without the authority to impose different systems on the mess than you currently have. We’ll get to that in a minute.

Whenever this topic comes up, people say things like, “Your managers need to be willing to fire people who don’t clean up after themselves!” In practice, that’s not going to happen. No one is going to fire a top performer who left crumbs in the kitchen, or a busy exec who dropped off her mug while running between meetings. Sure, management really dedicated to solving the problem and willing to be a hard-ass about it might nag people enough that they stop, but few managers are willing to spend the energy and capital that takes.

Another popular response: “hire cleaners!” But most offices with this problem have cleaners. It’s just that they only come once a day, if that, and that’s not enough to keep kitchen mess under control all the other hours of the day. You would need full-time, on-site janitorial staff, which is unlikely to be affordable or a priority for an office of 50 people.

Here’s the very short list of things that do work:

A rotation of volunteers who sign up to each be in charge of cleaning for a day in exchange for a desirable incentive (like getting to leave early one day that week). Why volunteers? Because it doesn’t make sense to assign highly paid staff to spend (expensive) time cleaning up after coworkers or to insist someone who’s already stretched thin take it on.

Permission from someone above you to throw out dishes that are left in the sink. If the dishes belong to the office rather than to individuals, get rid of the office dishes altogether.

Spread a rumor that this is happening.

Other than that, nothing really works.

Feel free to show this column to your boss.

our company has an annual golf trip … but the women don’t play

A reader writes:

Our smallish family-owned business has been taking our sales team on a long weekend golf trip on and off for many years. It is intended to be a reward, and little if any business is discussed when we are there. It’s mostly beer drinking, side betting golf, in a beach town with multiple golf courses, and a long weekend. Many of our team have young children, and the weekend getaway is well received and appreciated. The sales team of 10-15 people are the only ones eligible for the trip because they are paid via commission, and therefore do not receive bonuses under our pay structure.

Historically, all or very nearly all of our sales team have been male, and golfers. The managers are all golfers and our company is based in a town where golf is a big deal. This year, we have three female employees eligible for the trip who do not play golf. In the past if we had a male sales rep who did not play golf, he might come on the trip and ride in a cart, and just drink beer or observe, or might elect to not attend at all.

So we are currently trying to decide how to handle this year’s trip, without ostracizing anyone and also without taking away a much appreciated benefit. The proposed options include:

– Providing a separate cabin for the women, and offering them money (equivalent to the golf package spent on the men) to eat/shop/day trip in a nearby major destination city while the men are golfing.

– Providing them the separate cabin, but no other plan options (basically ride along on the course, and not miss the fellowship aspect of the trip). One of the women proposed being a “cart girl” passing out beers, but I don’t think the other women would appreciate such a plan.

– Offering a cash benefit, based on the value of the trip, and the day off, as an alternative to attending. The proposal was based on the assumption that some or all may not want to attend, but those that did want to could. But here is the catch — this would not be offered to the men. It has always been jokingly referred to as a mandatory trip, but it seems every year one or two people don’t attend.

Any thoughts on this? I feel like offering all three would cover our bases, but it doesn’t address the fact that if you are not actively playing golf in this tournament style weekend, you will be missing time with managers and owners of the company. I am a little nervous any time gender issues come up at work and feel like this situation is ripe to strike out with at least one of our female employees.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

I lied to my interviewer about being employed

A reader writes:

I got a job offer last week that I’m really excited about, especially because I was let go in mid-January and it’s been stressful to job hunt. I was recruited to apply for a few different positions, and one ended up with an offer. I told the recruiter I wasn’t currently employed, and he said I shouldn’t tell the company I was interviewing with. Everything online said the mostly same thing — don’t tell anyone you’re unemployed when interviewing.

I’ll admit I didn’t have my resume updated with an end date of my employment with my previous employer, because I was always told it looks better to be currently employed, and I figured the difference between January and February wasn’t that big of a deal. I also work in an industry where it’s standard to be locked out the second you give notice, so telling potential employers that I’m available to start immediately isn’t a red flag for anyone.

However, I was trying to avoid actually lying and saying I was currently employed when I wasn’t. In the interview that lead to my job offer, they directly asked if I was currently working at my last company, and I said panicked and said yes. (My after-the-fact justification is that I am working a bunch of side gigs to make ends meet while I look for something permanent and full time. But, still. I lied. And I feel terrible about it.)

I’ve never been laid off before, and my savings are dwindling rapidly. I’ve never lied to an employer before either. My previous company doesn’t provide references, only confirms dates of employment when asked, which is also industry standard. I don’t think this new company will check with my previous employer, since they believe I’m currently employed.

Should I come clean to my possible new employer? I have an offer letter, but the job offer is contingent on references and background check, so it’s not set in stone. Should I tell them after I start? Take this to the grave? Is this something everyone does (which is what my friends have told me) or is it actually a big deal to lie about this?

It can be a big deal. If they find out about it, it’s the sort of thing that’s very likely to be a deal-breaker, because if you lied about something as concrete as whether or not you’re still employed somewhere, they have to wonder what else you might have lied about in the interview or what you might lie about on the job.

And even if they don’t call your old employer for a reference, there are other ways they can find out — like they’re talking to one of your other references who says, “I was so surprised when Jane was laid off in January” or otherwise mentions it.

It sounds like people really steered you wrong with their advice to consider your layoff a dirty secret that needed to be hid at all costs! It’s really, really not.

It’s true that employers sometimes are biased toward people who are employed … but that’s usually a case of more extremes, like they’d prefer to hire the employed person over the candidate who hasn’t worked for the last three years. Someone who’s been unemployed for a month? That’s barely likely to register.

The advice not to say you’re unemployed when interviewing generally means: don’t go out of your way to mention it, but don’t outright lie. In other words, you don’t need to proactively announce it, but if you’re directly asked, “Are you still at your last job?” you need to tell the truth. I don’t know if people were telling you to outright lie (if they were, don’t take advice from them anymore) or if they just were saying you didn’t need to advertise it and you took that to mean “lie.”

As for what to do, what’s done is done. Coming clean about it now is likely to make it into a bigger deal, when it otherwise could fly under the radar. Hope it doesn’t come back to bite you this time, and just don’t do it next time.

I can’t carry coffee at work, employee refuses to do a critical duty, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. An employee forced an unwanted kiss on my employee — and now they want to do mediation

I run a nonprofit. Six months ago, a male employee of another nonprofit began kissing my female employee on the lips at the end of a series of remote events when they were closing down the day’s activities. Both are married. My employee was deeply upset because she thought the guy was her friend and was afraid she had encouraged him in some way. She finally told me what was going on, and I contacted his boss and told her that my employee will no longer work with her employee, and why. This keeps him away from my employee, but also forces my employee to give up projects she has invested a lot of time and effort in.

Most of my employees are women, and I’m not comfortable asking them to risk similar behavior from the man, but the two organizations have several joint projects that we have equal responsibility for.

My wife believes that the unwanted and non-consented kissing is assault, and that the person who should be removed from the projects is the male from the other organization. The manager at the other organization has suggested mediation between the two employees, but that seems to imply there is some middle ground to achieve, and I can’t see what that is. Our workplace policy is clear that any non-consensual touching is out of bounds and grounds for termination, but that has no power over the employee of another organization. What do you suggest?

Listen to your wife. Your employee shouldn’t be removed from projects she’s invested in because of this man’s behavior; he’s the one who should bear the consequences, not her. It’s true that you don’t have power over another organization’s employees, but you have control over what situations you send your own employees into. You should tell the other organization that you won’t send any of your team members to work on projects where their problem employee is present, so they’ll need to staff your future joint projects differently. (Be clear about this: It’s not just “Jane won’t work with him again.” It’s “I won’t subject any of our employees to that.”)

And mediation? Mediation?! Absolutely not. Their employee harassed and assaulted someone. They need to deal with him on their own, not expect your employee to somehow work through this with him.

2. How to handle an employee refusing to do a critical duty

Our team is required to work on-call after hours to handle client emergencies. It’s an eight-week rotation, so one week out of every eight. Everyone hates it, but we do it. It is unpaid; we are salaried.

Our newest team member claims that he had no idea this was expected, despite the fact that we talk about it all the time. He has stated that this does not suit his lifestyle and he will not work on call.

Whether he was informed about this before he was hired is a point of contention. He says no, but it is in the job description. The way he was brought on was odd in that he never met with our manager; HR interviewed and hired him and then assigned him to our team.

Our manager asked for his resignation. He essentially refused, sending an email that equated to “I won’t resign; fire me.” Outside of regular layoffs, no one ever gets fired. He has called in sick every day for the last two weeks, since this happened.

How would you handle such a situation, especially knowing that the rest of the members of the team would surely also refuse to work on call, if that’s allowed for one person?

I’d be willing to believe HR never discussed it with him during the hiring process, given how strongly opposed he was once he found out. Sure, it’s in the job description, but it’s pretty common for people not to scrutinize those (or to assume there’s more to it, like that they’d only be on-call rarely, like once a year versus every eight weeks, or that the time would be paid). Either way, with something like that, an employer should make sure anyone they’re considering hiring is fully aware of the requirement and on board with it … because otherwise you end up with the situation you’re in now.

As for what to do now, your manager really only has two choices: hold firm on the requirement and fire the guy if he won’t comply (which doesn’t need to be punitive; it can be a civil discussion where she explains she’s really sorry if he wasn’t informed but she can’t bend on the requirement), or exempt him from it and figure out a way to keep it fair to everyone else who’s still doing the on-call shifts (which presumably means adding some kind of incentive, like extra pay or extra vacation). There aren’t really other options at this point.

3. I’m not allowed to keep coffee with me at my job

My work has a coffee machine that we’re allowed to use. I’ve been making my coffees on break, and then leaving it in the staff room to take sips of throughout the day. I’ve been told I can’t do this, and I’m not allowed a coffee in a flask, but I can have water or juice in a bottle/flask I can carry with me throughout the day. Can my work forbid me from drinking coffee?

Legally? Yes. But it would be interesting to ask why they object, if you’re allowed to carry other beverages with you throughout the day.

4. We have to cover for another team’s weaknesses

At the beginning of last year, I was hired into a brand-new team to work on a new project. A month later, a new team was also hired to do the same work, as there was quite a lot to do.

I’ve met people from the new team, and they’re all incredibly friendly, nice and seem like generally good people but their manager is a lot more laid-back than ours. I get the impression that they’re struggling with a number of the tasks that we do on a regular basis, to the point where my team often has to redo their work alongside our own. When we’ve approached our manager about this situation, separately in our one-to-ones, she first explains that the team is new, which is true, but only by a month, and that she doesn’t have any say over that team since they have their own manager. I also get the sense that she doesn’t like talking about the other team with us, which is understandable, but it leaves us feeling a bit demotivated because it seems like they could really do with some additional coaching, and it feels as though our concerns are not being taken into account. Is there anything we can do as a team to approach our manager, or is she right in her view that she can’t discuss another team’s performance with us.

Her view that she can’t discuss another team’s performance with you is a bit of a cop-out, because you need to be able to discuss things that have an impact on your team’s ability to do its work. Sure, she shouldn’t say, “Yeah, Gene is really a crap manager” — but she does need to hear you out about problems you’re encountering and figure out how to manage those things (which should include her speaking to the other team’s manager if necessary, or to her own manager).

On your and your coworkers’ side of things: Focus on the impact on your work. Bring her the specific problems the other team’s work deficiencies are causing for you (like that you’re having to spend time redoing their work) and ask for her help in solving that.

5. An organization for helping job-searchers sucks at responding to job-searchers

Over the last decade plus, I’ve been a full-time student and a stay-home parent. I haven’t had a full-time job in over decade. Now, pushing 50, I have my degrees, my kids are at an age where demands on my time are fewer, and I’ve begun looking for casual or part-time work as I try to transition back into the workforce.

In my town, there’s government-funded nonprofit that help folks find work. They offer resume services, interview training, career counseling, all that stuff. I wandered in last autumn and they were very helpful. My early attempts at plugging back in to the workforce had been met almost exclusively with radio silence from employers. Working with them, for the first time I felt encouraged, supported, and optimistic. In November, my caseworker let me know a part-time position in their organization was opening up and encouraged me to apply. I didn’t even get to the interview stage — it went to an unexpected internal candidate. Disappointing, but the hiring manager let me know a casual position was opening up and would I like to apply? Yes, I would!

I was told in December to expect an interview the first week of January then … silence. I sent a follow-up in early January, then again in mid-January. I received an apology and an interview for late January. The interview went well. I was nervous, a bit rusty, but prepared. There was much smiling and nodding on the part of the hiring team throughout. I left feeling positive. A few days later, the hiring manager emailed me that another candidate’s interview had been delayed but I would hear from her the following week. Then, again, complete silence. Fair, perhaps. People are busy! Still, in my insecure little heart, I am annoyed and discouraged. I sent a follow-up yesterday and discovered the hiring manager is on vacation. My caseworker reached out this week for a general update so I mentioned I was still waiting to hear about this job but was optimistic. She, also, hasn’t responded.

I’m a faithful reader of this site and I appreciate employers can be notorious for delays. I’m trying to keep my frustration at bay and have an open mind but this is an organization that specializes in helping people get jobs. What I see is that they’re behaving like every other place that has ignored, ghosted, or put me off me since I started looking for work. Am I the problem? Are my expectations unreasonable? I’ve held this organization to a higher standard because of the work they do and because they encouraged me to interview but maybe I’m wrong to do that? If I’m not wrong and they’re being legitimately flaky, is their lack of reliable communication and follow-up a red flag? I know I’m not entitled to this job; maybe I’m not a good fit for them and that’s okay! But I’d like to know one way or another where I stand.

You’re not wrong, but yeah, your expectations probably aren’t realistic. Hiring gets delayed. Higher priorities get in the way. People go on vacation. They’re not deliberately ignoring you, but it’s really common to wait to respond to candidates until there’s something concrete to say. And they don’t have that yet because they’re waiting to hear back from a decision-maker, or waiting for another candidate’s interview to get rescheduled, or there’s some snag with the budget, and on and on. Should they know better, since they deal with anxious job-seekers as part of their mission? Sure. Are they still subject to all the pressures and conflicting priorities that other hiring orgs deal with? Also yes. Is this so common in hiring at organizations of all sorts that you can’t conclude anything from it about what it would be like to work there? Also yes.

The best thing to do is the same thing as when you’re waiting to hear back from any other job: assume you didn’t get it, put it out of your mind, and let it be a pleasant surprise if/when they do contact you.

update: my boss is abusive and blames it on PMDD

Remember the letter-writer whose boss was abusive and blamed it on PMDD? Here’s the update.

I have an update for my boss who was blaming her abusive behavior on PMDD. It ended how I was starting to suspect it would.

After your response, my husband and I started working on moving our kids onto his health insurance. Katherine’s behavior was getting worse and I’d started having heart palpitations along with the weight loss and dangerously high blood pressure. Your response and the comments opened my eyes that HR and Corprate weren’t actually working on a solution for this problem. I started applying for new jobs almost immediately after you posted and got to a few final round interviews, but never got an offer.

By Halloween our team was down to 7 people. By Thanksgiving the HR generalist assigned to our department quit because of Katherine’s behavior had gotten much worse. They hired a new HR generalist to sit and watch Katherine but he didn’t do anything other than laugh at Katherine’s outbursts and play on his phone all day. We used to share workspace with another department, but they were moved not long after my question was posted. This movement fueled a lot of rumors that there would be company layoffs by February. The rumor was true, but Katherine’s final outburst hastened the layoffs by a month.

One morning just after the holidays, Katherine went off without warning, doing her usual throwing things and screaming.The only other senior employee left told her to leave or we’d call the police. That seemed to hold a suspicous amount of weight with her and she left without a peep. As a team we asked the new HR generalist why he didn’t anything and he said “female issues” were out of his pay grade and the “department’s days were numbered anyway.” When everyone cooled down, which was less than 20 minutes after the incident, we went to HR as a group.

Katherine beat us there and told HR a different version of what happened, saying my colleague threatened her for asking about the progress of an important project. HR tried to do a weird mediation kind of thing with us all and we were all mostly speechless as we have security cameras in our work space.

I had your response open on my phone during the mediation and used it as talking points during the conversation. Katherine kept denying that she’d ever behaved in a way that was unprofessional and even backtracked saying, “I’ve never mentioned anything about having any medical diagnosis, let alone something as private as PMDD.” It became pointless to continue after that and we all knew it, even HR.

HR thanked us for our candor and sent us back to work. An hour later, we got an email from corporate saying our department was being closed and that we were laid off. We were told we could apply to other departments if we wanted, but we’d have to do it competitively as outside candidates and our company time and grade would start over from entry-level, we’d lose all accrued sick and vacation time, and our salaries would be knocked back down to entry-level (like a $30K a year pay cut).

The rumor going around is that that allegedly corporate stopped trying to find a solution to Katherine’s behavior almost a year ago when they realized they’d have to lay people off due to company finances. They saw our department’s high turnover as an opportunity and told HR to stall so the department could be phased out once enough of us quit. Other departments had been distributing our duties amongst themselves for months. Corporate wanted Katherine to drive people out so they wouldn’t have to pay severances which is weird because they paid a lot of severances when Katherine fired people without cause. What’s even worse that Katherine wasn’t fired but moved to another department, still in a management role. If social media and LinkedIn are any indication, that caused a ripple of more people quitting. It was pretty obvious that Katherine was just a symptom of a bad company in general.

On a positve note, my husband’s employer apparently took major strides to improve their healthcare so our kiddo’s medical needs now have better coverage than before. I made a career change and am much happier with outcome.

video calls are the worst way to do job rejections

Imagine you’ve interviewed for a job you really and have been waiting to hear back. When the hiring manager messages you to invite you to a video call, you’re thrilled—this must be the offer, you think, so you clear your afternoon, make yourself look presentable, and log into Zoom … only for the hiring manager to reject you on live video.

At Slate today, I wrote about why rejecting candidates on live video is a spectacularly bad idea … but one that’s gaining in popularity. You can read it here.