Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I got flowers for an employee whose mom died — and my boss is hurt

I just had a bizarre conversation with my supervisor. Her grandmother, who was 102 years old, passed away a few weeks ago. I offered her my sincere condolences when it happened, both verbally and in an email. A couple weeks afterwards, someone I supervise lost their mother very suddenly and at a fairly young age (this employee is in their 20s). My co-team lead and I had flowers sent to this person we supervise. I asked my supervisor if she would like to contribute, and she said no, that she is still grieving her grandmother. I thought this was a little odd to decline to contribute, but whatever. My co-team lead and I sent the flowers.

Well, today my supervisor pulled me into a conference room and told me that she was taken aback that I would ask her to contribute to flowers for my team member, when she had lost her grandmother a few weeks ago and I had not gotten her anything. I told her that I have always thought that monetary gifts should trickle downwards, and also while other folks on my team have had losses throughout the time I have supervised them (including grandparents), I thought that the loss of a parent warranted an extra degree of care. I reiterated that I was sincerely sorry about the loss of her grandmother. She took this as me saying that the loss of a parent is more significant than a grandparent (I mean, I think in many cases it is) and that while she doesn’t expect gifts, it was inappropriate for me to ask her to contribute. She also said that gifts should be given evenly, regardless of if you supervise someone or they supervise you. We ended up not really agreeing or coming to a great conclusion.

I should add that I work in government, so there is no administrative budget for gifts like this. Things are kind of done on a team-by-team basis, and contributions come from individual resources.

So did I make a huge misstep here? Should I have gotten my supervisor flowers, and should I also be getting flowers for everyone on my team who loses anyone? Just stop the gifts entirely? Only cards? And, how should I move forward with my supervisor?

Your manager is being weird. Maybe it’s because she’s grieving, or maybe she’s always weird; since you know her, you’ll probably have a hunch which of those two it is.

It’s typical for the loss of a parent to be treated differently than the loss of a grandparent (with some exceptions, like if the grandparent raised you) and in fact, many/most bereavement policies do treat those losses differently (offering more days off for an immediate family member such as a parent). It was not inappropriate to ask if she wanted to contribute to the gift for your employee. It also was not inappropriate to not get flowers for your supervisor when her grandmother died; the relationship is different and, as you point out, the reporting relationship is different. You definitely should have offered your condolences, which you did.

As for whether to do cards, flowers, or nothing for people you supervise in the future: Do cards at a minimum. Flowers can be tricky because then you do get into needing to decide which deaths “warrant” them and which don’t, and you won’t always know the nature of someone’s relationship with extended family. So I lean toward either sending flowers for anyone who reports to you who experiences a death (which might be hard to do when you’re paying for them yourself each time) or just sticking to cards for everyone.

As for your manager, don’t ask her for contributions to future gifts, given the weirdness around this one.

2. A coworker I barely know is hitting on me

A few months ago, we hired a new person into a lower level position in the company. I’m several levels above him, but he doesn’t work directly on my team. I’ve probably had less than 10 interactions with him. Most have been directly work-related, but we’ve also had a few friendly, casual conversations in the office.

A few weeks ago, he sent me a email asking if I’d like to check out a new restaurant over the weekend. This seemed out of the blue. I politely declined and said I had other plans but to let me know if he liked it. This is where I probably went wrong, and I should have shut him down more firmly.

Recently, he sent me another message with his personal number and asked if we could start talking offline. We’ve had really limited interactions in the past, so I’m not sure where this is coming from! I’m not interested in dating anyone from work. Even if I’m reading too much into this and he’s just interested in a friend, this was the wrong way to go about it. I’m uncomfortable at this point and want to politely but firmly tell him to back off. I could really use some help on how to deliver the message!

You didn’t go wrong when he suggested he let you know how he liked the restaurant. He went wrong when he didn’t respect your first soft no (something that’s really important to pay attention to when asking someone out in a work context).

Some ways to respond to the second overture:
* “No, thank you.”
* “I’d rather keep our relationship a work one.”
* “No, thank you. I try not to mix work and personal relationships.”
* “I don’t date anyone from work.” (With this one, there’s a chance he’ll accuse you of misinterpreting his interest — not because you did, but because some people feel responding to rejection that way helps them save face. That’s fine! You’ll have delivered the message regardless.)
* Or just ignore it if you don’t feel like dealing with it head-on (although that means he might make a third attempt).

If he takes a rejection badly or if he continues his pursuit, talk to HR. Even if you feel you can handle it yourself, guys who hit on colleagues they barely know tend to do it to multiple women (including those with less power, like interns, who may feel less comfortable shutting it down firmly), and it’ll be useful for HR to be aware in case it becomes a pattern (or already is, for that matter).

3. Sharing photos and hobbies in meetings when I’m more private

I am concerned about my participation in team meetings. We are often asked to share photos of our holidays and weekends and talk about what fun things we did. Of course, this is entirely optional, but I never speak up because I don’t have anything to add. My hobbies feel personal to me, and honestly, they’re not something I’d want to share with my coworkers anyway. I spend my weekends searching for good deals on alternative fashion items via overseas auctions, writing fiction, and playing video games. I don’t have children, and I rarely travel. I am the youngest person on my team (but still very much an adult), so I feel like there’s almost an expectation for me to have a “robust” social life, but I usually just stay at home with my cat. I am perfectly fine living this way!

Is there a way to participate in these meetings more without revealing too much of my personal life? Do I need to get a neutral, safe hobby, such as cooking or biking? I am afraid it is making me look bad if I am silent, especially on such a small team.

Are you up for photos of your cat being the thing you share? Pet photos go a long way toward adding the humanizing touch of warmth that people are usually looking for in this context. Share a cute cat photo each week, and it’s highly likely that no one will notice or care that you’re not sharing anything more personal.

Also, you may not feel inclined to do this, but it can be very enjoyable to lean into an enthusiastically-delivered “I didn’t do a thing this weekend! I stayed at home with my cat and it was glorious” narrative. I have been saying this for years and people are normally more supportive than you might expect. If you do it a lot, it does tend to become a thing you’re known for (in a funny way), which you might or might not be up for, but it’s good for your quality of life not to feel pressured to report on more exciting doings.

4. I was promised a bonus but am getting ghosted when I ask about it

I’m an executive at a finance company which serves a rather niche market. I have been at my company for about two years.

There was an area between sales and the underwriting team that was proving to be a challenging disconnect, so I made some suggestions on how to improve that and was asked to set up a whole new division and team. Mind you, I was doing this on top of my regular job. I approached my leadership about appropriate compensation for this and they indicated if the new team was successful, there would be a substantial bonus paid out to me based on what I could bring to our bottom line.

Well, the success is clearly there. We’re expanding the team, it’s become a marketed part of our services to clients, and has helped increase our revenue by over 30%.

I approached my leadership to discuss the bonus and I’m more or less being ghosted. Other items are being addressed together, but they aren’t acknowledging the promised bonus in any way. No “let’s have a chat” or “we need time to discuss in leadership.” It’s very frustrating.

How do I approach this again? I am genuinely prepared to leave my job if they back out on this (I’ve been fending off other offers for months now) but I’m not sure if threatening to leave is the right way to go. If I do end up leaving, I will absolutely be bringing this up in my exit interview. How can I make it clear this can’t be ignored?

I don’t like this. Address it head-on: “You told me in August that if the new team was successful, you’d pay me a bonus based on what I contributed to the bottom line. By any metric we envisioned, I think I’ve met that mark: we’re expanding the team, it’s become a marketed part of our services to clients, and has helped increase our revenue by over 30%. Can we nail down details about the bonus?” If they put you off, ask for a timeline. And if they’re evasive, there’s no reason you can’t say, “I’m really disappointed in this. This was a clear promise made to me and I’ve been turning down other offers for months because I took you at your word.”  (And if it has to come to that, I’d be inclined to leave anyway once they do pay it out because you shouldn’t have to push them so hard to get what they promised you.)

5. Executive with no online presence — is it a scam?

I’m job searching for an executive level role and was contacted by a seemingly legitimate internal executive recruiter at a well known global company. I completed introductory interviews with this recruiter and the hiring manager (VP level) over the past few weeks and believe they went really well. They both appear to have company email addresses and their LinkedIn profiles didn’t raise any red flags for me (500+ connections, VP has nearly 2,000 followers).

I just received an email and text from the recruiter about next steps, and the next person they want me to interview with is an SVP. Great news, except when I looked them up on LinkedIn they have basically no presence. Under 10 connections and followers — which doesn’t seem possible in this day and age. This global company has thousands of employees and this person holds a global SVP leadership role. I’ve also conducted a Google search with almost no results. Under 10 LinkedIn connections and no press to me are huge red flags, and I am considering backing out of the whole process immediately over it. The job seems incredible, but there is no way in my mind that this could be legitimate.

I emailed the recruiter and called her saying that I want to ensure I’m prepared for the interview but I can’t find an online presence for this SVP and to please share more information. I also asked her to lay out the reporting structure to their leadership team, which I found online. I’ve given the recruiter my resume and cell number only, and had a video interview.

My mind is racing over if this is a scam, and since it seemed so great I’m heartbroken. I’ve heard about people who use voice and video recordings to impersonation purposes. What are your thoughts on this and how to proceed?

You are reading way too much into the lack of an online presence. Some people don’t use LinkedIn. Or maybe they set up years ago and haven’t bothered returning to the site since then. Maybe they just joined last week. Maybe they’re in the middle of purging their account because they find LinkedIn a depressing wasteland. Who knows. It’s not so unusual! You are having a very, very strong reaction to a very mundane situation.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I was asked to take down a family photo

I was called into a one on one with my manager today. Someone anonymous has complained about a photo of my son I have at my desk and has asked management to have me take it down. The photo is a very cute black and white photo of my son at one year old. He has no clothes on but there is no butt or genitalia showing. To me, it’s an adorable photo of my son as a baby. Some anonymous person sees it as pornography.

I agreed to take it down, but I increasingly feel angry and attacked. I am the only gay man in our department, and I feel that a woman having a photo of her naked baby with no genitalia showing would not be asked to take the photo down because it was offensive to someone. I feel like I want to defend myself and not just meekly censor my own family photos out of fear for my job. I want to make a statement to my co-workers of some kind to defend myself from accusations of inappropriate photos of my child. I am a very popular and productive newish hire (2+ years). Do I have any recourse?

Ugh, I’m sorry. I don’t think you do have any practical recourse, largely because it’s not outrageous for your company’s stance to be, essentially, “We don’t want to get into debates about what photos of unclothed subjects are and aren’t okay, so now that there’s been a complaint we’re just asking people not to display them at all.” (Which is what you’re likely to hear if you do push back.)

But I hope you will replace the photo with at least three more super cute photos.

2. My coworker is working a second job during her hours for us — should I send HR proof?

My coworker has been using company time by lying about her activities and going to a second job while being paid by our employer for 1 hour a day a couple times a week. I recently verified this as she left her desk calendar (paid for by our employer) on her desk in plain view. I did report this to HR. Is it unethical or a violation of privacy to take a picture of the calendar with her other work schedule to show that this is indeed happening? Thus sending only to HR as proof and no one else?

I don’t think it’s unethical per se — as long as it’s being left in plain view — but you will probably look overly invested. The exception to that is if her absences are affecting you (because you need to cover her work while she’s gone, for example). However, if HR wants to investigate this, they won’t need a photo of her calendar to do it; they could simply pay attention to when she’s actually at work and not at work.

Related:
how can managers spot people who are working two full-time jobs at once?

3. Can I intervene on a coworker’s horrible, hacking cough?

I work in a large org as an EA. Due to the way the building is structured, I share an office with around six other people but am not on their team. My boss has their own office next door to ours so I can greet their visitors, etc.

One of the office colleagues, Jim, is a cigarette smoker and has a very unhealthy, phlegmy-sounding cough that goes off multiple times a day, at length. This was the case before Covid lockdown and after we returned to the office. I find the noise incredibly intrusive and distracting, and my boss has picked up on it herself and also picked up on my discomfort with it.

I’m autistic so find noise intrusion very difficult; my boss is supportive and I can wear noise-cancelling headphones in the office when I’m getting on with work (although I can still hear the coughing!). But I recently appointed an assistant who sits behind me so I can’t hunker down under headphones anymore as I want to be present for them and open to being asked queries without them having to get my attention or feel like they’re being ignored.

With my headphones off again, I’m finding the coughing absolutely unbearable and have occasions when I have to exit the office because I can’t keep listening to it. I’m worried I’m not hiding my reaction to it well and that I’m going to snap at Jim in the end or cause an ongoing issue with him.

Do I have any scope to speak to his manager about how difficult it is being around the noise and whether Jim is looking after his health? I’m aware it’s absolutely not my place to intervene and I do acknowledge that Jim is the one really going through it, I’m just sitting by and having to listen, but it’s proving to be a real struggle at this point trying to ignore it, and both the cough and my patience are getting a lot worse.

You really don’t, I’m sorry. You could have standing to ask about being moved if that’s practical, and if that’s not an option you have standing to talk to your boss about the problems the noise is posing for you and whether there might be other solutions. But you don’t really have standing to complain to Jim’s manager about the cough (there’s likely nothing that can be done about it, at least not something that an employer could direct), and you definitely don’t have standing to ask whether Jim is looking after his health.

However, if the headphones were making it more bearable, can you return to using those? You could explain to your assistant that they help you focus and encourage her to IM you or use some other system for alerting you when she needs you. Headphones don’t have to be an inherent block to being interrupted if you stress that you want the interruptions and agree on a system for doing it.

4. Can I ask my boss for feedback on my speaking in meetings?

I recently joined a nonprofit organization in a comms role fresh out of college. My manager often wants me to be a part of some cross-department meetings and contribute my thoughts. The problem is that I’m not a confident speaker and I struggle with phrasing ideas especially since English is not my first language and I’m new to the corporate world. Would it be a bad idea to ask my manager for feedback on my performance in meetings?

Not a bad idea at all! It’s great when employees ask for feedback; managers should give it anyway, but you’ll usually get more of it if you make it clear you’re eager for it, and it’s especially helpful to flag it when there’s a specific area you want to grow in. Say to your manager exactly what you said here!

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. New hire is treating me like I’m brand new

I am a college professor. I teach a variety of courses, but there’s one that I have every semester. I get great evaluations from students every semester and I have a proven track record of success in this class.

This semester we have a new colleague who is teaching a section of this same course for the first time. I received an invite to meet with her and assumed she wanted some help or advice about the class, so I accepted. The next day, I got an email from her saying that she has the whole course planned out for me, “but we don’t have do it exactly the same.” Basically, she has taken ownership of the class and for some reason it seems like she’s decided that she is in charge of me and how I teach it. She also advised me that I should keep track of the students’ assignments, and that it’s a good idea to try and learn the students’ names, among several other pieces of absurdly obvious advice. I have taught this class six times in the last two years, so I’m not sure where she’s coming from.

So I wonder, how can I address this in a collegial manner, rather than saying the first words that came into my head, which are not at all professional? My boss is notoriously flaky and unsupportive, so I don’t intend to escalate this, my main thought is to just shut her down as politely as possible.

The subject line of your email to me was “I work with Leslie Knope” and … yes, you do.

The easiest way to shut this down is, “I’ve been teaching this class every semester so I have my own course plans that I’ve spent a lot of time developing over the last few years. Let me know if you want advice on anything; I’m happy to offer guidance if you want it.” That doesn’t touch on how ridiculous she’s being (reminding you to learn students’ names?!) but it pretty definitively lays out that you’ve got it covered and you’re not the one coming in new.

If she keeps it up after that, you might need a more explicit conversation along the lines of “Some of the advice you’re giving me is really remedial; has there been a miscommunication somewhere about my experience or the job we’re each doing?” But wait and see if the first conversation fixes it; she might have just gotten carried away with the Leslie Knope of it all and will pick up the hint.

2. Overwhelmed by stress in my first post-college job

I’m a recent college grad in my first full-time position. I’ve worked a variety of jobs throughout college to earn income, but they’ve all been either part-time or temporary in whatever field would pay the bills.

I’ve had this job for six months, and while it is a pretty low-level admin position (which is not completely my preference), it’s finally in the field I want to work in and that I studied for! I’ve never minded doing admin work and the company I’m working for is a huge stepping stone to all sorts of other positions in the field.

What I’m finding, though, is that I have been completely overwhelmed by stress from the job — whether it’s minor mistakes I’ve made in the process of learning, things that need to be done, or just if I’m doing enough. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll have nightmares about it and then promptly wake up and worry until my alarm goes off. Again, this is an admin position with low-level responsibilities where I work 40 hours a week, no one is expecting me to be on call or solve major issues, and even in the field as a whole, it’s pretty low-stress.

I am seeing a counselor for this, since I recognize it isn’t normal to be waking up in the middle of the night from this, but I’m also concerned about its relation to my career. I’ve had trouble like this with previous jobs, but since they were either part-time or temporary, the stress was lesser and I was usually able to write it off. I know your readers have made suggestions in the past for avoiding taking work stress home with them. These are great and I’ve been utilizing them, but I think what I’m hung up on is that I can’t imagine ever advancing in my career if such a low-stress administrative position gives me such overwhelming anxiety even when I’m not there. Is this something that new grads just have to get through (to a point — again, I know a level of this is above and beyond) or is this an indication that I won’t ever be ready to advance in my career?

Neither! What you describe isn’t typical, but it’s also not an indication you’ll never be able to advance. It’s an indication that you need some help sorting through what’s going on, which you’re getting. Especially if you have anxiety symptoms in other areas of your life, this could be clinical-level anxiety that’s latched on to work as an outlet (which is something a good therapist should be able to help with), but there are other therapy-relevant things that could be causing it too (like growing up in a hypercritical family, or one where small mistakes were punished disproportionately, or where you carried too much responsibility at a young age, making you feel like the stakes for messing up were very high, and on and on). Therapy is exactly the place to figure out what’s going on and to solve it, so you’re already where you need to be! (But if you don’t feel like you’re making progress after a reasonable amount of time, talk to your therapist about that too, since you might need something different from those sessions or a different treatment modality altogether.)

3. Management rejects my ideas, then proposes the same thing

I am the lead on a project at work. When I present ideas in regards to the project to three specific managers, they often reject my ideas. But then they provide a “solution” which is exactly what I had just suggested. It’s driving me wild. It’s really gnawing at me and I’m feeling stupid. I even intentionally ask “anything I can clarify?” before the rejection. I’ve never had this happen and for these three people to keep doing this is just blowing my mind. Is there anything I can do?

Some additional background: I’m a woman. The three people are the VP of our department (female), my manager (male), and a manager (male) I dotted-line report to.

Approaches I’ve taken: I used to explain things verbally. But perhaps I talked fast? So I slowed it down and presented things in simple terms. That didn’t help. I now present things with some sort of printed out aid, such as a slide or a graphic, to help drive my point across. I have only a few times replied, “Yes, just like I was saying…” and then elaborate. But that hasn’t much of a difference. I feel stupid, and honestly, it’s been a hit to my self-esteem.

It’s a known thing that sometimes happens to women, but it’s also a known thing that sometimes happens when dealing with people who don’t listen fully or aren’t great communicators themselves. To be thorough, I should note that it’s possible you’re not being as clear in presenting your ideas as you think, so if anyone else is in those meetings you could ask them for feedback about that. But otherwise, can you ask others if anything similar happens to them with this group? Maybe you’ll find out they do it to a lot of people and then you’ll know it’s about them, not you.

But also, do you have the kind of rapport with your boss where you could ask him about it directly? For example: “I wanted to get your feedback on something. I’ve noticed that I’ll sometimes present an idea to you, Fred, and Jane and the three of you say no to it, but then suggest a solution that’s the same as what I’d initially proposed. For example, it happened recently with X and Y. I’m wondering if I’m not being clear enough when I make the initial suggestion, or what you think might be going on.” If he’s stumped or says he doesn’t see it, ask if you can check back with him again right after the next time it happens so that you both have a clear and immediate example to look at.

One other thought: The next time it happens, try saying, “Yes! That’s exactly what I was proposing!” and see what happens. (Say that in a way that sounds enthusiastic, not irritated.)

Related:
my coworker rejects any ideas that aren’t her own, then suggests them herself

4. Should I tell a former employee that I got called as a reference?

Last year was my first time as a manager. It was on a grant-funded project that had limited-term appointments for several employees that terminated when the funding ran out. My whole staff was fantastic and I’ve been doing my best to support all of them on their job searches, and I’ve offered to serve as a reference.

One of my former employees has contacted me several times to let me know she’s applied to certain positions and put me down as a reference. I just got my first ever reference call for this employee and gave what I believe was a glowing reference. (I did also talk honestly about areas where she needed extra support, but I got to say how receptive this employee was to feedback and how much she grew, so I feel good about it!)

My instinct after I got off the phone was to email her to tell her she made it to the reference stage and I gave her a glowing recommendation, but I wasn’t sure if I should. The hiring manager told me that they’re between this former employee and one other candidate. So while I want to tell my employee that she’s advanced in the process and I’m hoping my reference will support her candidacy, I’d also feel like I’d need to temper her expectations and tell her they’re still considering other candidates.

This candidate is someone who I know has anxiety. As someone who also has anxiety, I know that I would love hearing I got to the reference phase and it would be soothing to hear my former manager tell me they gave a positive reference. But I’m afraid I’ll just set her up for disappointment if she doesn’t get it. Since I haven’t been called before now, I assume she hasn’t made it past the intial interview for the other positions she’s applied for. So I really don’t want to get her hopes up. That said, I also want her to know she’s advanced so she can celebrate that accomplishment, and I want her to tell me whether or not she gets the job! I’m afraid she won’t follow up if she doesn’t get it unless she knows she’s made it past the initial stage. So, is it cruel to tell her she’s made it to the reference stage? Or would it be encouraging? Am I overthinking this?

You are overthinking it! I always send a quick email to people I’ve just given a reference for, to let them know that I talked to the employer (and will add that I gave them a glowing reference, assuming that I did) — but that’s just about keeping in the loop about something that’s about them. I think you’re overstepping because you’re getting too invested in managing her emotions for her. Just give her the information, and trust her to handle it like the adult she is.

I would also mention that the person you spoke with said they are choosing between her and one other person — because that’s also relevant to her and it wasn’t said in confidence.

But don’t have any expectations about her updating you about whether she gets the job or not. She probably will tell you if she does, but she shouldn’t need to follow up with you if she doesn’t. She might choose to, but a lot of people hate giving those updates, so it’s better to train yourself not to expect it.

5. Can I put a job I haven’t started yet on my resume?

I am a senior in college, but I haven’t gotten much experience in my field yet and am applying to jobs for after I graduate. In two weeks, I am starting an internship that will run for one semester, so it will be completed prior to when I start the job. It is very relevant to the role I am applying to, but the semester starts two days after applications are due. I have a meeting to discuss what I will be working on before the semester starts, but I don’t know if I’ll do any actual work. Can I put that internship on my resume, even though it hasn’t started?

Yes, as long as the dates make that clear. For example:

Oats Incorporated, Porridge Intern (January 22, 2024 – May 15, 2024)

Ideally you’d add one bullet point about what you expect to do in the internship, but if you really have no idea, it’s fine to skip that and just list the company/title/dates.

(Also, normally just listing months/years is fine. In this case I listed specific dates to make it super clear you haven’t started yet, but really you’d be fine just listing January – May 2024, especially since by the time they’re interviewing you, you will have started.)

Read an update to this letter.