Ask a Manager

more on the federal government’s “deferred resignation” offer (spoiler: it’s definitely a trap)

by Alison Green on February 5, 2025

Just sharing this tweet from Washington Post reporter Jeff Stein about Elon Musk’s “deferred resignation” offer for federal government workers. (Don’t take it! It’s still a trap.)

Also, if you remember the letter-writer who worked at Twitter when Elon Musk took over, that same person has sent in this note:

I just wanted to thank you for posting about what federal workers who are currently under attack can do.

The former Twitter employees I know have all spent the past couple of weeks reliving the Twitter takeover from 2 years ago but on a much more widespread and terrible scale. I want to say this is all beyond belief but … we saw this happen and how it played out, and now I’m just left feeling so angry that we couldn’t have stopped this somehow. I don’t know what I could have done differently or better, but I feel the burden of watching this happen the first time around and not being able to stop it.

Seeing the news about how Elon locked government workers out of their systems, how they’re moving beds into OPM’s headquarters … It feels like the Twilight Zone.

I would not at all be surprised if he held a public auction in the next couple weeks to sell off real estate, office equipment … all the way down to artwork on the walls and plants on employee desks.

I’m still thinking about how I can help push back on and resist what we’re seeing happen all around us, and I wanted to say that if you ever do another post on this issue, please let the federal workers know that a whole bunch of former Twitter employees know what they’re going through, and we support them, and we’re so so sorry they’re experiencing this.

the luxury cabin, the clueless Christmas card, and other stories of wildly out-of-touch company executives

by Alison Green on February 5, 2025

Last week we talked about out-of-touch executives. Here are 12 of the most outrageous stories you shared. (Also, if you’ve never wanted to eat the rich before, warning that you might after reading these stories.)

1. The renovation

The head of the org I work for has been complaining about his home renovations for months. I get it, he had to move out of his house and … (checks notes) into the *other* property he owns.

This has been happening while several employees are dealing with being illegally ousted from their rentals due to landlords not legally following the lead abatement process. But yes, your kitchen renovation that you chose to do, and temporary move into your own home is also clearly traumatic too.

2. The photo

I worked at a company once where every year the owners would throw a party right before Christmas. To be fair, it was nice. It was a two-hour catered lunch in outside tents, and they honored all the employees who hit milestones. However, where they were a bit out of touch was with their gifts for the milestones. Mostly it was branded stuff, but I remember one year for the person who had been with the company 20 years, the owners praised the employee and then started talking about how they, the owners, always go on vacation to beautiful locations and how they wished they could share that with everyone. At this point, my friend is convinced this lucky employee is about to get tickets for a trip or a cruise or similar. But nope! What the employee got for their 20-year anniversary with the company was a framed photo collage of the owner’s vacation, complete with the owners in shot.

3. Calling in “cold”

We got a very stern lecture about the importance of coming into the office and mandatory in-person attendance from an exec who was herself calling in remotely (to the mandatory, in-person meeting) because it was “too cold.”

4. The luxury cabin

In 2020 I was working at a place with a VERY unpopular leader, who decided to pass the pandemic by renting a luxurious cabin in the mountains for her family (she had college aged kids who were normally away). Every all staff meeting she would dial in with the giant stone fireplace in the background and talk about how wonderful it was to spend this precious time with her family and luxuriating in nature.

You can imagine how well this went over with the rest of the staff, many of whom were separated from their family and friends, had sick loved ones, etc. Most of us did NOT have the resources to relocate to a luxury vacation rental!

5. The recommendation

During his first all staff meeting, the COO said he had taken the last two years off before this job and that he highly recommended we all do it.

6. The car delivery

Large local employer was failing, pretty spectacularly. My spouse was still working there and I had left about a year earlier. Many, many people in the community had purchased stock (and were watching the stock prices tumble).

During the week of another round of layoffs, the relatively new CEO had her brand-new luxury vehicle delivered to the main office (which was nearly all windows). It was unloaded right out front in the fire lane while employees watched. My spouse was not certain, but felt it was utter cluelessness, rather than dickishness.

7. The Christmas card

For Christmas 2008, when the Great Recession was kicking into high gear, our CEO had a Christmas card made that was a cut-out hanging mobile of the places around the world he and his family had visited in 2008, with illustrations of cities and airplanes and his family. That went over well.

8. The trivia game

The CEO of our division just had an all-hands meeting, where we had to play trivia about her. Vote on where she was born, how many coffees she drank per day, and which netflix shows she binged. Twenty minutes of that, with thousands of employees. One of the most tone deaf and expensive meetings I’ve ever been to, especially since there was nothing about our business strategy or results.

9. The “opportunity”

VP said in a staff meeting that another VP’s recent death was an opportunity to reorganize.

10. The tip

During Covid, my country was in extended lockdown. We had an all-hands meeting intended to be a check-in on our welfare, where a senior staff member shared their tips on managing working remotely. Their tip was to keep their work items like their headset in a little bag, so whichever room in the house they were working from, they could take the bag and be sure they had everything they needed with them.

We had junior staff living in shared houses, working standing up over an ironing board because they didn’t have any private space other than their own tiny room, which was too small to even fit a table. Leaving work items in other rooms of our large homes was not something that was a cause for concern for most of us.

11. The women’s talk

The CEO gave a talk to our women’s professional group. So: the audience was his female employees. When asked about women that had helped shape his career, he couldn’t name any and said something along the lines of “all the women i’ve ever worked with got pregnant and stopped working.”

12. The rock star

I used to work at a place where the CEO would come into an all-hands meeting with flashing lights and loud music playing (Rocky theme song maybe? I forget) and all the employees were supposed to applaud and cheer.

do job titles matter?

by Alison Green on February 5, 2025

A reader asks:

I work for a small company of 25 employees. We still call ourselves a start-up (with all of the cultural elements that brings), but we’ve been around almost 10 years now.

The founder believes “titles don’t matter” and it’s more important to focus on the responsibilities each person has. So most people have their official title as basically the department they work for (business development, software engineering, etc), although the management team does have official titles.

Do job titles matter? Am I wrong to feel that I want my growth recognized through a new title?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

my job wants me to hit up everyone I know for money and other help

by Alison Green on February 5, 2025

A reader writes:

I work for a small-ish (100 people) British nonprofit. The work we do is similar to helping disabled people find homes and jobs, coaching them in social and life skills. We have developed a network of connections with local businesses who help us make this all happen.

All good so far. I love my job, my coworkers and my boss. The work we do is valuable and I’m proud of it.

We have plans for growth in our city so we can help more people. Again all good. But … the CEO recently brought in a consultant to work on the growth project.

Next thing we know, that network of local connections is being expanded beyond businesses. All of us staff members are being asked to systematically share our own personal contacts. A series of meetings is planned over the next few weeks where small groups of us will each talk about where in the city we live and map out our connections. (It sounds like there will be some kind of actual map involved.)

For me, this would look like giving details of my book group and the cafe where we meet, my local church and related discussion group, my yoga classes, art group, and so on.

Then once all that information has been collected, we’re expected to go along to each location with a coworker and encourage our own private social contacts to get involved in the work we do, which might mean asking for money or seeking people with the skills we need to volunteer or work for us.

This sounds a lot like the equivalent of a MLM scheme. Also, my friends are my friends, and I don’t want to mix those boundaries with my paid employment.

But I’m much more introverted than most of my coworkers, and I’m hearing a lot of enthusiasm for this scheme from those who are more social. The level of fervor from the CEO and consultant in particular is beginning to sound almost cult-ish.

Although my work is well thought of, I’m concerned that refusing this madness will affect my prospects. My boss is away for a couple of weeks. I think he’ll be sympathetic but he’s two levels below the CEO (who is pretty autocratic). Any ideas on how to handle this? Maybe I just need to pretend I have no friends.

Yeah, one option is that it turns out that you’re a hermit! You don’t know many people locally — maybe most of your friends and family are long-distance — and perhaps that one group people know you’re involved with has an explicit rule against any sort of business solicitation among members.

That said, I’d be inclined instead to just decide that of course this request is not “open up your entire life to us to exploit,” but instead is “let us know of any parts of your network that you think would be amenable to this and which you would be comfortable approaching.” Take it as a given that that’s what’s being asked of you and proceed accordingly. That might mean your answer is, “There’s really no one in my local network who fits this, but I’ll keep thinking about it.” Feel free to add, “The groups I’m in have rules against any kind of solicitations.”

By the way, the idea that you’re supposed to physically show up in these places with a coworker is really odd. It would be one thing to say to you, “Hey, if you think people would be interested, could you mention us at your next art class?” But you’re supposed to show up at all these physical locations with a colleague who no one knows and just flagrantly go into business pitch mode? That’s super weird — so you also might be able to say, “They would react really poorly to that approach and we would definitely not succeed that way, so instead I will feel out their interest one-on-one.” (And then maybe “feel out their interest one-on-one” ends up meaning “in my head, after which I’ll conclude they’re not going to be interested.”)

However, the best option of all is to push back more honestly if you feel you safely can. It’s not unusual in nonprofit work for staff to be asked who in their networks might be interested in supporting the organization’s work, but pressuring people to feel like they have to turn over their personal contacts is not okay.

That said, it’s also possible this won’t turn out to be as high-pressure as you currently fear. Maybe when you sit down to do it, it will end up being more in the vein of “anyone who you’d be comfortable approaching, if anyone.” Which is another reason to go into it assuming that of course we’re all being reasonable about this … while simultaneously being prepared with a plan in case they’re not.

should we get the day after the Super Bowl off, asked out on LinkedIn, and more

by Alison Green on February 5, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should we give everyone the day after the Super Bowl off?

I live in Chiefs territory and run a small business. My colleagues have requested that I close the office the day after the Super Bowl. I’m not inclined to grant this request, as our leave policies are very generous. I think everyone has plenty of time to take off if they choose. How common are Super Bowl office closures?

Not very common. It’s certainly a nice thing if you want to do it, but it’s perfectly reasonable to expect people to use PTO if they want the day off.

2. I was asked out on LinkedIn

I had a perfectly pleasant conversation with someone at a cafe I frequent near my workplace. We traded names and a few quips, and then my food was ready and I popped out after saying I’d see him around. I thought I heard him ask the cashier if I was single as I trotted out the door but shrugged it off, thinking it was for the best to not be too vain and I could have misheard (and I’ve never seen him before, despite the two of us apparently both being regulars). I’ve got a good rapport with the staff and figured there was no way I hadn’t mentioned my long-term partner at some point over the last two years I’ve worked in the neighborhood. Someone would tell him, right?

I proceeded to not think about it for the rest of the weekend, checked my email bright and early Monday morning, and found a very flirtatious message attached to a LinkedIn invite. That’s when I remembered I was wearing my branded work jacket that day. Heck.

Do I ignore it? Delete it? Take a hiatus from my favorite cafe and hope I don’t see him around the neighborhood? I can do all these things, I’ll just be depressed to take a hiatus from the best cappuccino in the neighborhood. I know it’s not a crime for someone to shoot their shot, but … agh! That’s my professional LinkedIn!

Yeah, it’s not great for someone to use a business networking site that way — especially if he did hunt you down via your branded work jacket. But it happens, and the social/work line on LinkedIn has been getting awfully blurry for a while.

There’s no reason you need to stop going to your favorite cafe. If he’s in any way creepy or harassing to you after this, you should feel free to inform the cafe where you’re both regulars, but otherwise you don’t need to plan on avoiding him; cross that bridge if and when you have to.

As for the message itself: if you prefer to ignore it, you can! Plenty of people don’t check their LinkedIn often or ever. That said, unless he’s given you a reason to think you would be better off not engaging, I’d figure a quick “no thanks” means that if you do run into him again, that will already be out of the way.

3. Company is trying to make low-performing coworkers job harder so they’ll quit

I was recently in a meeting with a senior manager. Although I’m not in management, the work I do requires working with them regularly and requires a certain level of confidentiality. Something that was mentioned outside of our work scope really bothered me: I had mentioned that I’d heard an employee a few levels below them was struggling. They told me that yes, that person’s manager was told to make their job difficult so they would quit. Hence why they were struggling.

This really bothered me from an ethical standpoint. And it’s actually the second time I’ve heard it, although there were some extenuating circumstances with the first person.

Is this a normal thing to do? Is this just bad management practice? I’ve managed people in the past and would not feel comfortable with this. To date this company has been great, but they do have a track record of not firing people despite years of repeated poor performance. You have to almost break the law for then to consider firing you. But this? It just feels wrong on so many levels.

Yes, it’s wrong, and it’s terrible practice. It’s terrible practice because it’s unethical and inhumane, and because it’s a fundamental dereliction of duty; managers are responsible for giving clear and actionable feedback, letting people know when they’re falling short, working to help them improve, and then letting them go if after that they’re not performing at the level needed.

It’s not at all surprising that an organization that won’t fire people would resort to this; both of those things (never firing, no matter how warranted, and mistreating someone until they leave on their own) are symptoms of management that’s incompetent and unable to appropriately exercise authority. (Also, what if the employee digs in and never leaves? Their manager will just accept bad performance forever, no matter how severe?)

You should be very, very wary of a company that operates like this.

4. Coworker is opening mail and packages addressed to me

Is it okay for a coworker to open work-related mail and packages that I have ordered and have my name on them? If it were me, I would just put the unopened package on the coworker’s desk but maybe I’m overreacting.

It depends on your company’s practices. From a legal standpoint, it’s fine; postal regulations say that mail delivered to an organization, even if addressed to a specific person, is delivered to the organization itself, and the organization can decide how to distribute it from there.

But is this person charged with opening and distributing mail for your company or are they just being nosy? If they are charged with it, you can try asking them to simply deliver your mail unopened, although it’s possible they’ve been specifically told they need to open things. On the other hand, if they’re just being nosy, you can ask them to stop.

5. The sleep shifts I depend on for income have been taken away

I have recently been covering in a different location due to the area needing a team leader. I work in care and often need to do sleep shifts (shifts where you sleep on-site so you are available in case of emergency). These sleep shifts have been a regular source of income for the past five years, and I depend on them to get by.

When my boss first approached me about covering in the new area, they made a verbal promise that I would still get my sleep shifts. But now, three months later, my sleep shifts are non-existent and I am losing wages that I desperately need.

My sleeps cover my car expenses and, as I am covering in a different area that requires me to drive there to work, I am afraid that when I get paid next I will be unable to get anywhere due to not being paid my promised sleeps. This would mean resigning, as I would not be able to travel to the area I am covering. The area I am covering in is 100 miles away from my normal place of work.

Because this is no fault of my own, would I be able to take my boss to court for lost earnings and essentially being forced out of a job due to my boss going back on their promise and making me quit due to my wages being severely cut through no fault of my own? I have a young family and this unexpected wage cut is going to severely affect me and my children.

There is another team leader who is also covering in the same area as me and is still getting there sleep shifts, so why have my sleep shifts been taken away and theirs haven’t? It feels like a personal attack, favoritism, and I am being set up to fail. I have approached my boss several times over this issue and I just get fobbed off each time.

There’s no legal cause of action unless (1) your sleep shifts were taken away for a discriminatory reason (like because of your race, gender, disability, or other protected characteristic) or as retaliation for exercising a legally protected right (like reporting harassment), or (2) you have a written employment contract promising those shifts for a specific period of time (although most U.S. workers don’t have contracts and I’m guessing you would have mentioned it if you did).

I know you said you’ve approached your boss about the issue, but have you spelled out explicitly that you literally can’t stay in the job without the sleep shifts? If not, it’s worth making that clearer (as long as it’s really true — you don’t want to say that if in reality you’d stay until you find something else).

is it a terrible offense to include profanity in a resume?

by Alison Green on February 4, 2025

A reader writes:

My husband is a blue collar worker, and he’s very experienced in his field. A little less than a year ago, he decided to switch jobs. He went from doing residential work in people’s homes to commercial work on big buildings. He had over two decades of experience doing the residential side of things, but very little commercial experience. So, in some ways it was like starting over again and having to train from the ground up.

At the time, he had two competing job offers: one with a residential company that was offering a slightly lower base pay, but more potential bonuses and benefits, and the commercial company he ultimately went with. To leverage the other offer, he talked to the commercial company and they decided to hire him at a slightly lower rate than he wanted but with an extra week of PTO, and they said they would look at a raise at his 90-day review to bring him up where he wanted to be, based on his performance.

At his 90-day review, his boss told him that he was incredibly impressed with how fast he was learning the job. His exact words were, “You’re kicking ass and taking names!” He told my husband that they were not only going to give him a bigger raise than promised, they were also going to give him a new work van and send him to be trained for bigger, more complex systems and look at another significant pay bump at the one-year mark if his trajectory continued.

When my husband showed me his glowing review, I told him to make sure and include that on his resume. He’s not actively looking for a new job at the moment, but he is going back to school and needs an updated resume for that (as well as just keeping his resume fresh).

We have a relative who is a hiring manager in a white collar industry (think banking/finance). At a recent family gathering, my husband was talking to this relative and asked for their opinion on his resume. When they saw that he had written that his boss had said he was “kicking ass and taking names” at his 90-day review, they told my husband that that was unbelievably unprofessional and that they would have thrown his resume directly into the garbage the second they saw that. They said having that comment on his resume would make them seriously question his judgment, and they would never, ever hire someone who thought that was acceptable … and in fact, they would consider reaching out to their industry contacts and telling others to avoid that person as well because it was so wildly inappropriate.

My husband was very taken aback and upset by this, but I told him that this feels like (1) a bit of an overreaction, and (2) a difference in industry norms. I said that he was just quoting his boss and the feedback was literally written on his evaluation and told to him verbally, and other people in the same industry wouldn’t be thrown by it at all. I said he could take it off of his resume if he wanted and just leave the other details, but personally I thought it was charming and showed how enthusiastic his employer is about his work.

I work in healthcare, so I feel like I’m predisposed to lean more towards being conservative, but even I thought that the response my husband got was over the top. If I saw that on a resume, my first thought would be, “Clearly, their last boss was very enthusiastic about their work!” (We do live in a more culturally conservative area, though where my husband and I work has become quite a bit more progressive in recent years.)

He seems to be a bit deflated by this, so I wanted to seek other opinions. Is this a “never ever under any circumstances” type of thing, or is this something that can be more industry-dependent?

Your relative’s reaction was over the top.

I wouldn’t include “kicking ass and taking names!” on a resume, but that’s largely because it’s not specific enough, not because it’s an outrageous offense.

I mean, it’s true that you normally shouldn’t include profanity on a resume, and the bar is pretty high for doing it. (There are times when I’d consider it, though! If Barack Obama or, I don’t know, Tom Hanks put in writing that I was “incredible at getting shit done,” I’d seriously consider putting that on a resume. But again, that’s a high bar — and even then some people might raise their eyebrows at it, but that would be outweighed by the number of people who loved it.)

My take on the quote your husband used is that it doesn’t convey enough about why his employer felt he was kicking ass and taking names, which is ultimately the part that matters. It would be more effective to write about the work specifics that made them feel that way. For example: “In first 90 days, exceeded team’s previous sales by 20% and brought in two new six-figure contracts, earning kudos from management and an unusual out-of-cycle salary increase.” (That said, I could see using the “kicking ass and taking names” quote in a cover letter if there was a way to work it in organically.)

Regardless, though, your relative’s reaction is absurd. They’d reach out to industry contacts to tell them never to hire him? That’s ridiculous, and that tells you that this is someone with no sense of proportion and with bad judgment. It’s absolutely useful for your relative to share that the wording would be considered unprofessional in their industry, but once they went beyond that, they were teaching you something about themselves more than about resume-writing (and that lesson is that you shouldn’t take professional advice from them).

my job offer was rescinded after I tried to negotiate

by Alison Green on February 4, 2025

A reader writes:

I’ve been applying to new jobs for about six months and finally got an offer for a job that I was genuinely excited about; it’s for a position that would be a step up in both title and responsibility, would let me work on interesting projects, and even would let me use a skill I went to school for but haven’t really been able to use professionally up until now.

When they sent me the formal job offer, the salary was a bit more than I’m making now, but I’ve always heard that it’s smart to try to negotiate for more money because this is the easiest time to get it (versus after you’re already working someplace and trying to negotiate for a raise). I successfully negotiated slight salary bumps when accepting my last two positions, and I’ve seen other people do it as well, so it didn’t occur to me that this would be seen as anything other than normal and expected.

So I asked if they had room to go up (I asked for about $8,000 more, figuring that they might offer me about half that, which I would have been happy with). There’s a pretty wide range for what jobs like this pay and my request wasn’t outside of what I’ve seen other jobs like this advertised for. I also didn’t say that I wouldn’t accept if they didn’t agree and I don’t think I was pushy about it. What I wrote in response to their email was: “I’m very excited about the position and wonder if you would you consider increasing the salary to $X.”

I would have accepted the job even if their answer was no, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see if they would go up.

The next day they responded back to me and said they couldn’t match what I was requesting and so they were pulling the offer. I immediately replied and said that I would accept the job at the original salary they offered, but the HR person replied that they were going to offer the position to another candidate instead.

I’m devastated by this. I wanted the job badly, and I would have taken it at the original number they named if they had simply told me that was as high as they could go. I don’t understand what I did wrong.

You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.

is my boss being too open about menopause?

by Alison Green on February 4, 2025

A reader writes:

I (a woman in my early 30s) work in a traditionally male environment, although there are a decent amount of women working there too. Recently my work has started focusing more on menopause support/awareness — there’s a menopause support group, “recognizing signs and symptoms” posters in the women’s toilets, etc. I think that’s great.

My manager has been making comments about menopause that really, really bother me. Things like, “Well, I better write that down because as a woman of a certain age, if I don’t I’ll forget it” or “I must have forgotten to do that — it comes with the menopause,” and so on. She makes these comments in meetings with men and women present, and just in public around the office.

I feel like she’s basically saying that she’s less able to do her job because she’s a woman. It gives license to men who hear it to make similar comments/assumptions about other women of her age group (who won’t all be experiencing the same issues she is), and I feel like I have to work harder to prove myself, too. I think that sort of comment should stay in the support group, and not be brought up so publicly. If it’s impacting her work, she might need to talk to her manager about it, but there’s no need to make the comments in meetings when she could just write whatever it is down and say nothing. Younger women in my workplace don’t blame their issues on their periods, they deal with it and move on.

I’m not asking if I should say anything to her about this, I have absolutely no intention of doing so. I’m just wondering if I’m off the mark? I’ve obviously not experienced menopause, but I can imagine that it’s frustrating to suddenly struggle with something that you used to be fine with, and wanting to explain why. I wouldn’t normally think someone needed to keep a health issue secret at work unless they wanted to, but it’s the broadness of what she’s saying — “all menopausal women/women my age” — that bothers me so much.

But then at the same time, I have male colleagues who’ve made similar “all men of my age” comments about being forgetful, and it’s not bothered me at all or made me look at other men as less able to do their jobs. So is it really fair of me to be holding her to a different standard because she’s a woman?

You’re more bothered by your boss’s comments than by the men’s comments because hers come against a backdrop of women already being discriminated against at work and having to work harder to be taken seriously, as well as a long history of women being dismissed as overly controlled by their bodies. That changes the way it lands.

It’s also true that age discrimination is a thing, and your male coworkers’ comments about themselves are landing against that backdrop … but I suspect that isn’t hitting you in the same way because, as a group, men have some built-in societal protections that women lack.

It’s also true that people should be able to talk about what they’re experiencing, and in theory it’s a good thing for people to feel comfortable talking about challenges associated with health or aging or all sorts of other things. But realistically, we aren’t there yet; there is still stigma and bias associated with lots of health conditions (from ADHD to mental health and on and on) that often makes it safer not to share them at work. And it certainly doesn’t feel like we’re in a cultural moment where that’s about to get better.

Part of the problem, too, is that your boss is talking about her experience with menopause as a universal experience for all women of a certain age. It’s like if you were both parenting young children and she kept writing off her forgetfulness as “I must have forgotten to do that — it comes with being a mom.” You’d rightly not appreciate how that reflected on fellow moms, who already face bias in the work world.

So, no, I don’t think you’re off the mark in feeling uncomfortable with your boss’s comments. But I also think that’s very much about the culture we live in: it’s not that she’s doing something inherently wrong; it’s that we live in a sexist culture where women have to worry about this.

our head of DEI outed me to 800 people, do clients think I’m a nepo baby, and more

by Alison Green on February 4, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My company’s head of DEI outed me to 800 people

I’m a nonbinary trans person working in sales for a multinational company. I’m out-ish at work. I’ve told my direct team I’m nonbinary, I have they/them pronouns in my email signature, and I wear a mixed wardrobe. I’ve not told anyone I’m trans directly, but I wouldn’t deny it if it came up. That said, the industry is conservative. Most colleagues assume I’m a man regardless of what I wear and everyone still get my pronouns wrong, even those who’ve asked. I mention this to say that I’m open but cautious about declaring my status at work.

Our leadership has spoken up a lot about working on DEI in the last few years. Part of the plan to improve culture has been roundtables between senior leadership, the DEI team, and volunteer employees on their experiences with the company and where there have been struggles (think “improving the work environment for neurodivergent staff,” that sort of thing). I’d taken part in several of these before (as someone with ADHD) and found them a positive experience.

Because of this, I didn’t think anything of it when our head of DEI asked if I would be comfortable speaking with the DEI team on my experience as a trans person in the workplace. She knew I was trans as I’d spoken to her previously about problems with our benefit system (a whole other story, but if you’re in charge of benefits, maybe don’t assume all your staff are cis and lock your healthcare options accordingly?). I assumed this invitation was more of the same and accepted.

It was not more of the same. Four days later, I get an email invite to an all-staff Zoom panel for Pride Month. I’m named as one of the three speakers about “navigating changes to the industry while trans” and it explicitly outs me in the description. The Zoom panel is scheduled for the next day. The invite has gone out to all 800+ employees across the country. I immediately emailed the head of DEI, said this wasn’t what I expected and I didn’t appreciate being put on the spot this way, and pulled out of the panel.

Was this a huge error on her part or just a miscommunication? I was probably at least partly to blame for not checking what exactly she was asking of me, but her original email just said “speaking with the DEI team,” not “speaking with the DEI team in front of all of your colleagues.” But it’s weighed on my mind since and I can’t help but wonder if being outed this way has impacted my career opportunities. It’s definitely made me feel less safe speaking with HR.

It was absolutely a huge error on her part. This was different than what she had invited you to participate in previously, and she should have spelled out what she meant — and if the wording in your letter about how she approached you (“asked if I would be comfortable speaking with the DEI team on my experience”) is the wording she used with you, her wording wasn’t at all in sync with what the event actually was. This isn’t on you — it’s on her.

I’m curious how she handled it once you pointed out what had happened. Your company sounds like they’ve tried to invest in safety and inclusion, so unless she was profoundly apologetic and has talked to you about what will change as a result, you could consider speaking to someone above her about what happened.

2. My coworker keeps interfering with my work

I am having problems with a coworker who repeatedly oversteps onto my tasks. She and I have the same role, me being three years her senior. We used to be on the same team but after a recent reorganization, she moved to another team under the same department. I have never been very fond of her working style: she is very diligent and proactive but tends to act first and ask later, causing unnecessary friction and sometimes overstepping onto other people’s work.

Since she changed teams, she has been “suggesting improvements” or inserting herself in tasks that are under my scope and outside of hers. She tends to bypass me and my team — she goes straight to the client to propose her solutions although I am the person who has to implement them, and I am either not interested or have already identified and documented the same solutions. I am getting more and more upset at this because I feel that, at the very least, she needs to communicate with my team before going to the client. I have explained this to her, her manager, and my manager. She just reacts to my messages with a thumbs-up, her manager promises to work with her to improve the miscommunication, and my manager sides with me. However, the situation is still the same and I am at my wits’ end. Is there anything else I can do to resolve this problem?

It sounds like you’ve just been messaging her about it (“she reacts to my messages with a thumbs-up”). Since that hasn’t solved the problem, it’s time to move to an in-person meeting with her about it (or Zoom, if you’re remote), ideally with your manager and her manager there, where you can lay out the pattern, why it’s a problem, and what you need her to do differently. As part of that conversation, ask why this keeps happening when you’ve asked her multiple times to stop — is something getting lost in translation? Is she getting conflicting direction from someone else? Does she think every instance is different and she needs to extrapolate “don’t do X” to a broader variety of situations? Sometimes this kind of meeting will surface that there really was some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication. Other times, it’ll just drive home to the person that they need to take it more seriously, it’s a big deal if they don’t, and they can’t continue being cavalier about it.

If that doesn’t work, you need to escalate it to both your managers each time it happens. Be the squeaky wheel if necessary — but start with a real conversation with her, not just a message.

3. We have to choose between a building with no heat or a building without equipment

Where I work, we have two buildings about one mile apart from each other. I have worked out of the original building (#1) most of my time with this company. In 2020, we all transitioned to WFH. Two years ago, we went to one day in the office as a group as mandated from above. However, this entire time we were all coming into the office more often; our group has always done better than most at closing profitable projects, mainly because of our constant contact.

This past spring, my group was relocated to a new area in the new building (#2). Both buildings removed our large desks and replaced them with small desks. All these desks were to be used for hot-desking and were supposed to have dual monitors with keyboards and mice at each one. The original space in building #1 did not get set up for a long time, and there are many desks without anything on them because they ran out of monitors and keyboards and are not getting more in, from what we are told.

We now have a mandate from above that we must be in the office three days a week and, according to rumors, it can be grounds for termination if not followed. However, the new office area in building #2 is without heat due to a problem with the heating system and it will be for several more weeks (months?). We are in the mid-Atlantic area and it gets below 0 at times. The coldest I saw it in the office was 60 degrees one day (it was below 0 outside). 60 doesn’t sound that cold but it is if all you are doing is sitting at a computer. Our manager has said he will not enforce the mandatory three days a week, but I am worried because our big boss demanded it. Should we continue to go to our new office and freeze, go to the old office and suffer low productivity due to not having a proper computer setup, or continue to work from home and only come in as needed and risk repercussions from upper management?

That’s ridiculous. OSHA doesn’t require specific temperatures, but they do recommend temperatures of 68-76° F.

Your manager needs to go to his management and explain that until either (a) the heat is fixed or (b) building #1 is given enough equipment, your team can’t come in three days a week — that you’ll be happy to as soon as one of those is remedied, but until then there’s no feasible way to meet the mandate. It’s absurd to expect you to work without heat in the middle of winter or without monitors and keyboards. But your manager needs to spell that out to someone above him (and you should ask him to do that if he hasn’t yet).

4. New employee is billing more time than he works

I am a project manager and oversee a team of five. One of my direct reports, “Marty,” was hired in October and has proven to be a quick learner and generally a good employee. However, there’s a recurring issue with his timekeeping.

Marty has been routinely not working a full eight hours but is still billing for all eight. He typically arrives around 8:15 am, leaves at 4:30 pm, and takes an hour for lunch, effectively billing about 45 extra minutes each day. While I was deciding how best to address this, another team member, “Hamilton,” who can be a bit nosy but means well, stopped by my office to point out the discrepancy with Marty’s timesheet.

I spoke to Marty, explaining that while it’s okay to work outside the standard 8-5 hours, he needs to inform me beforehand. I also asked if this was a workload issue, which he assured me it was not. I thought the conversation went well and he seemed to understand. Cue post holidays and Marty has pinged me every day this week at 4:30 pm, notifying me he is signing off, even though he continues to arrive after 8 am.

Given that the job requires billing clients in 15-minute increments, transparency about hours worked is crucial. I am also concerned about potential animosity among team members who might feel that Marty is receiving special treatment. How should I handle this situation to ensure fairness and maintain team morale?

It sounds like when you talked to him, you just told him to let you know if he works non-standard hours — but that’s not what the real issue is. The real issue is that he’s billing more hours than he’s working, so you need to go back to him now and clarify that. Since the message somehow got muddled the first time, be very, very clear now: “You have been working less than eight hours a day but billing for eight. We need to make sure your billing matches your hours worked exactly, because ____.”

There are some workplaces that tell exempt employees to just bill a straight eight hours per day, regardless of the exact hours they actually worked (typically when it’s for internal purposes and not client billing) and it’s possible he came from one of those. Or maybe he’s sloppy or deliberately deceptive, who knows. But the first step is to tell him clearly what he needs to do differently. If that doesn’t solve it, you’d need a more serious conversation — but so far it doesn’t sound like you’ve clearly told him what needs to change.

5. I’m worried clients think I’m a nepo baby, but I’m not!

I have a fairly common last name, and I recently started working at a small company where my boss has the same name as my dad. We are not related at all. I would be less worried if it was a bigger company, but since it’s so small (and if anyone were to look at socials, they would see my dad has the same name), it feels like people might assume a familial connection instead of a coincidence. It’s been fine so far, but I’m starting to shift to a more client-facing role, so I’ve been thinking about how I’m being perceived and how to build my reputation in our field. Is there a chance of my reputation being harmed if people think I got my job through nepotism, or is this something where it’s weirder to address it?

Since it’s a common last name, I wouldn’t worry — people will know it’s a common last name, and they’re unlikely to know what your dad’s first name is. That said, if you want to be extra sure, you can always introduce yourself by saying, “Tangerina Murphy (no relation to Percival on our team).”

update: I don’t want to babysit my brother in my office

by Alison Green on February 3, 2025

Remember the letter-writer whose mother was pressuring her to babysit their brother in their office after school? Here’s the update — and some more advice from me.

Thank you for answering my letter! It was too late to reply to the comments after work, but I’ll address some of them here:

For those asking if I still live with my mother: I moved out when I was 18 and live in my own apartment with roommates. My brother was born when I was 10 years old, so that’s where the age gap comes from.

For those asking why my brother can’t just stay at home like most teens: He usually does, but given my brother’s recent trouble in school, my mother wanted some adult supervision over him. Also, he could take the bus to my job or to my mom’s house but not to my mom’s job.

For those concerned about whether my brother has been a victim of abuse: I absolutely hope not, but nothing has indicated that as of now. His teacher, principal, and school counselor broached the subject, but my brother had repeatedly denied anything nefarious. A commenter brought up unsupervised Internet use, and I think that’s the likely culprit. My brother has his own dumbphone, but my mother lets him on her smartphone all the time. (A point of contention is that my brother will whine to my mom if I don’t let him use mine, and I’ve been practicing standing my ground with mom on that front.)

As for the actual update:

On the day after you published my letter, I decided to reach out to my manager with a quick warning with the script you suggested. He was very understanding and said that it wouldn’t be a problem. He asked if he should reach out to CPS, and I said maybe not on the first time my brother might show up. Calling CPS still feels like a nuclear option.

My manager also asked the receptionist if she had recalled any conversation about “single mothers” allowing their kids in the office. She said that there was a job candidate who had called the other day asking about it. The receptionist said that she kept repeating that she couldn’t disclose childcare policies to candidates but gave a short comment that single mothers sometimes brought children just to get her to stop. (When I pressed my mother about this, she confirmed that she was the “job candidate.”)

That was a Thursday. For everyone saying that my brother would have a surprise visit to my workplace, you had predicted my Friday afternoon.

I had gotten a call from the receptionist that a boy was sitting on the bench outside the front door. My brother argued that our mom said that he could stay at my job. I made him march to the bus stop to go home, and I stayed outside until the bus came.

Later that day, I ran into a different coworker who said that she ran into my brother on her smoke break. She said that he said something “weird” to her that she couldn’t actually make out, so we both went to my manager to talk about it.

We decided to pull up the security footage from the front door. When my coworker approached, my brother made an obscene comment to her, out of nowhere. (Note from Alison: I’m censoring the comment because it’s obscene, as well as very weird.)

My coworker just stood there and asked, “What?”

After some silence, he slouched in his seat and mumbled something. We couldn’t hear it on the feed, but my coworker said she could maybe make out “never mind.” I apologized to her and affirmed that he was not coming to the office again. She told my manager and me that she didn’t want to press the issue as she was more confused than anything when he said it.

My phone call with my mother about this was loud and angry, but I did my best to stand my ground. I said that I had already made my “no” clear enough, and if my brother shows up at my job again, my manager will call CPS.

She said a lot of things that made me second-guess myself, especially since everything she said is objectively true — that I don’t understand the stresses of motherhood, that someone could’ve kidnapped my brother and it would’ve been my fault, that there is nobody else in her life who can help her, that it’s so easy for me to not care about my brother because I can give him to her, and that I never hang out enough with him anyway.

But I told her that I can’t do my job with him there and, conversely, that I also can’t watch him while I do my job. That he was only there for 20 minutes and already harassed a coworker, and that it wasn’t going to be any better for her or my brother if he got in more trouble.

I had to hang up on my mother in the middle of talking to her because I was just repeating myself, and I just felt like a bratty teen for doing it, no different from my brother. I realized halfway through talking to her that I was trying to give her that “perfect” argument a commenter mentioned to show that I understood where she was coming from, especially since, as many commenters had noticed, that our family situation has been really strenuous since my dad died.

I do want to thank you and the commenters for your advice. Sometimes I get frustrated when people tout about boundaries on the Internet as if it’s trendy and easy, but I still feel like my boundaries don’t help my mother or my brother. My only substantial argument was that having my brother at my job would’ve helped my brother less, and I’ve been holding onto it for personal reassurance. There’s not much else for me to say with this response already so long, so thanks again.

I don’t normally provide additional advice when I publish updates, but this is important to say: the main goal of setting boundaries is to help you. As it happens, your boundaries are likely to help your mom and your brother in the long run, too, by modeling healthy interactions and being clear about what you will and won’t accept so they can make their own choices accordingly … but the measure of success in setting boundaries isn’t “does the other person accept this / feel good about it?” or “am I bettering the other person’s situation by maintaining this boundary?” Boundaries are about keeping you in a healthy and sustainable place. The fact that your mom doesn’t want that for you is a mark of the dysfunction in your family dynamics, but it’s not selfish to create a separation between yourself and that dysfunction. (In fact, that’s often the only way to escape it.) You can still love your mom and brother while declining to engage in that dysfunction with them.

Frankly, I’d argue setting boundaries is a loving gesture toward them, because it’s an investment in having a healthy relationship with them in the long-term — but that’s not the main driver of why you set boundaries, and whether they perceive them that way or not isn’t the mark of whether boundaries are working.

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