Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I ask out our general manager?

How do I get ahold of someone who works in the offices where I work to ask them out? Her position is GM. I’m intending to ask her if she’d like to go for a coffee or walk on the beach one day after work just to get to know each other. I’d also like to invite her out for lunch for my birthday, which falls on a Sunday in December.

I work in the warehouse downstairs. She works in the offices upstairs when office protocol and company policy won’t let me ask her these questions. I do see her now and then in the carpark when I’m unloading trucks, but she goes straight upstairs through the main building entrance while I’m unloading trucks at the loading area, which is away from the office carparking area.

I’d also like to ask her if there’s a chance of adding her on messenger and Facebook.

What should I do? I’m thinking wait until I see her next in the carport and talk to her before she goes upstairs to the office. I shall never forget the smile on her face when I met her when she was introduced to each worker in the warehouse.

Please do not ask this woman out. She’s there to do her job, it doesn’t sound like you have any reason to believe she has romantic feelings toward you (or even anything more than professional acquaintance feelings), and your office policy prohibits it. She can’t date someone in her chain of command and, even if you’re not in her chain of command (although if she’s the GM, you probably are), she’s there to do her job, not to be hit on by coworkers. It would be different if you didn’t have the chain of command issues and she was sending active signals that she returned your interest.

Active signals that the person returns your interest are an absolute prerequisite for asking out anyone at work. (Smiling at you doesn’t meet that bar; that’s normal professional warmth when being introduced.)

2. My coworker sucks at his job and I rely on him for support

I have been struggling with my coworker, “John,” for over a year. He provides targeted support for a project that I manage and I communicate with him directly regarding associated tasks. I do not manage him, but am senior to him.

Issues include:
• Poor email management. While he occasionally responds immediately, he most often doesn’t acknowledge or reply to my emails at all. When reminded (repeatedly) of outstanding items, he often cannot locate the information sent or only partially responds
• Failure to take responsibility for tasks I have handed off. This includes me having to chase him for weeks for basic requests, having to routinely resend “lost” information, and requiring extensive editing of sloppy work due to poor attention to detail and failure to incorporate all communicated information.
• Refusal to allow for sufficient review time, despite repeated requests. For example, I asked for three business days to review a biannual report. The distribution date is set months in advance so it is a matter of time management on his part. He provided five business hours for review, failed to incorporate any of the information I sent three weeks prior, and the overall quality was poor.

I initially thought there might be a mismatch in communication styles so I have tried other approaches — instant messaging, phone calls, and stopping by his office. I have also offered to use other platforms, like Teams, and even mild shaming by asking about outstanding items in small group meetings. After the biannual report, I scheduled a one-on-one meeting and had a candid and direct conversation about the issues outlined here (all of which had been previously addressed). I also invited him to give me feedback. It was a professional and respectful conversation. He responded cheerfully and acknowledged the issues. Nothing changed in a meaningful way.

John and I are both managed by Jane. Jane has been my manager for five years and I have a lot of respect for her. She has confirmed that everything I have asked from John is reasonable and within his responsibilities. She acknowledges that other team members have given her similar feedback, though she seems pleased with his performance in other areas of his work. She has spoken to John more than once about these issues and is aware that performance has not improved.

I have successfully worked with a variety of personality types and varying levels of competence but I’m frankly baffled by this situation. I would love to take a huge step back but do not know how to do so without failing the client by allowing late, incomplete, incorrect, and sloppy work to go out. It is exhausting to have to fight for the smallest thing and I find myself stewing over this dynamic. Despite how this letter sounds, a relatively small amount of my day-to-day work should involve John and I am spending a disproportionate amount of time and energy managing this situation.

You need to go back to Jane and pose this question to her, because it’s her job to handle it. You were right to try what you’ve tried, but at this point you’ve exhausted your options and if it’s going to get resolved, it’s going to require Jane’s involvement.

Lay out for her everything you’ve tried and use the words you ended your letter with — “I am spending a disproportionate amount of time and energy managing this situation.” Then say, “I’m at the limits of what I can do on my own to resolve this, and I’m at the point where I need your help. How do you want me to handle this?”

Also, start cc’ing Jane on messages to John, especially anything reminding him that you haven’t heard from him, a deadline has been missed, or his work is missing key elements, so that she’s seeing exactly how often it’s happening and is pulled into it each time, which should make it harder for her to ignore.

3. Saying no to a job opening because of moral concerns

I am in the throes of an expansive job search and thus am networking quite broadly. Several times now, I’ve avoided conversations about the reason I was uninterested in a particular job so as not to offend or create a negative interaction.

What is the proper way to politely decline these suggestions without a long explanation of “why” while maintaining the positive relationship?

For example, it has been suggested that I work for the Department of Corrections or become a police officer and I have many reasons those aren’t the right job for me. I’ve also been introduced to people who work for a marketing agency that produces provocative political ads. Even if I was on the same “side” as that agency, I would still not want those jobs. These examples have been suggested by neighbors who I see regularly and I want to keep a friendly relationship.

A few options, depending on what you feel like:

• “Thanks, I’ll check them out.” (That doesn’t obligate you to do anything more with it and if they follow up, you can say, “That kind of work isn’t a great match for me, but thanks for thinking about me.”)
• “That’s not a path I’m interested in, but thank you!”
• “I don’t think that’s the right match for me, but thank you.”
• “Interesting, I’m not sure that’s for me but I’ll think about it.”

Ideally, follow any of these with a quick topic change.

4. Can a referral “save” my application after I’ve been rejected?

I was the victim of a layoff about a year ago, and I’ve been job searching since then in a tough market. Whenever I see an opportunity that I think would be a good fit, I first apply through the company’s official portal, then I reach out to anyone in my network who may be connected with that company/team. However, it can take a little time to pull the connection levers, between reaching out to someone I may not have spoken with in years and asking them, in turn, to connect me with someone in that company who they may not know very well.

Several times now, I’ve been in the process of trying to leverage connections when I received an automated rejection email for that position. Can an internal endorsement or referral that arrives after the ATS may have already rejected me “save” my application and put me back into contention?

Potentially. It’s unlikely to save your application if you’re not a strong candidate, but it’s more likely if you’re clearly very qualified and someone looks at the application with new eyes and realizes that (for example, if HR is rejecting people they shouldn’t reject because they don’t have a nuanced understanding of what the hiring manager is looking for) or if one of the people in that chain of contacts has a lot of influence.

5. How to apply for a job (internally) that I am not sure is even open

I am an office clerk at a law firm and heard from one of the legal assistants that they’ll be moving to a different internal position early next year. (They mentioned they were taking training and I asked what it was for, and then they told me they’re getting the position because the current person is retiring.)

I am not sure if the firm is even going to hire for their assistant position, but I’d love to throw my hat in the ring. I’d love the pay bump and hybrid options, and I have an MLIS degree that I’d love to put to good use.

Problem is, I don’t know if this assistant moving is even public knowledge beyond the people in the department they are moving to. I was told (literally) quietly, so I get the vibe most people don’t know. And again, I’m not even sure if they’re looking to replace this assistant at all, or if I have a shot at it. I also have not been here that long (less than a year), but when I had my three-month check-in several months ago, my boss told me I could let her know if I was interested in any positions at the firm, because she assumed I didn’t want to be a clerk here forever. And I know a few people have moved to other jobs in this firm, so I at least know internal transfers are A Thing here.

But I need to know how to ask, and who to ask. And I’d also not like a courtesy interview — so if they don’t think I’d have a chance, I want to know right away, not just get an interview because I work here. I’ve been burned by courtesy interviews in the past, not knowing they were a courtesy, and honestly that hurt worse than not getting the position.

Go back to the assistant who told you they’re moving and ask if they know whether the firm plans to fill the job they’re leaving because you’d be interested in applying if they do. They will probably know but if they don’t, ask them whether it’s okay for you to ask their manager about it (it almost certainly will be since their manager surely knows they’re transferring, but you can ask to be sure).

And then you’d talk to the manager for that position and say you understand Jane is transferring and you’d love to be considered as a replacement, and ask what the next steps are. As part of that conversation you can ask about the profile of candidates they’re looking for, and you can describe a little about your background and ask if it makes sense to throw your hat in the ring. But beyond that, you can’t really prevent the possibility of a courtesy interview; there’s always a chance of that when you apply internally and it’s better to find a way to be okay with that than to search for a way to preclude it altogether.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new boss wrote a poem about our team … but only some of us

My company has an annual team-building outing, which is traditionally the occasion for higher management to express their gratitude to the employees. At least, that was what I was picking up from the trip, as I’ve only started working here recently.

One of the gestures my grandboss made to express her thankfulness for us was to write a poem about our hard work. The thing is, she manages two teams— let’s call them team A and B — and her poem was only about team A.

I’m on team B. To be fair to her, my team was part of team A until pretty recently, and we are comprised mostly of newbies, my boss included. Because of the nature of our work, we do not interact with our grandboss as much as team A. Still, it’s hard not to feel slighted when her poem listed out the names of every single member in team A, and not once mentioned the people in team B. All her other gestures addressed her employees as a whole, but the poem made me wonder if she only intended her praises and encouragement for team A.

She’s been a stellar supervisor otherwise, and neither of my teammates nor my boss seem to be bothered by the, in my opinion, preferential treatment. Should I just let it go?

I feel like it’s something important to bring up though, mostly because it reflects poorly on her as a manager. How do I bring this issue up delicately? Should I speak to her privately or should I give my feedback during the annual manager review? Or again, is it this worth making a big deal at all?

Let it go. It’s true that big public expressions of appreciation shouldn’t favor only some of the people a manager manages (unless it was specific to a project they did or something like that). But I can see this happening if she knows Team A well and has worked with them a long time, and those things aren’t true yet of Team B. It still wasn’t very graceful, but it’s not a big enough deal to raise with her; if you do, you risk looking a little precious, especially as a new employee.

You say she’s been a great manager otherwise, and that’s more important.

2. Employer is requiring us to install software on our personal computers

I am a doctoral student at a major U.S. university. Everyone in my grad program is employed by the university in some capacity: some of us teach classes; others are hired as researchers. However, this doesn’t function like a normal workplace in many ways, including that there are no work computers provided. This is a huge expense for people, and unfortunately it’s very common in academia.

The other day, we received an email from IT that all university devices will be required to have a particular antivirus software installed on them. I thought, no problem, I don’t have a university device. But then I read the fine print and realized their definition of “university device” covers any personal device used for university business — which includes all of our personal computers.

Apparently if we don’t comply by a certain date, our devices will be locked out of the campus wifi and other essential campus IT infrastructure. The justification given is that other devices in a network could be compromised if one insecure device is hacked. That may be true! But the particular software (there are no alternative options) brags of its AI virus detection, and apparently, if the AI erroneously blocks a legitimate program we’re trying to download, we can contact IT to have it unblocked within 48 hours. (48 hours???) It also says that the software does not share personal data … except in cases where “adverse events” are detected, and they are extremely vague about what would constitute an adverse event.

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. As a matter of principle, I’m grossed out by the lack of ethical oversight of AI and would like to opt out as much as I can. More to the point, this is my personal computer! I use it for, well, very personal things that I really don’t want my employer to see (outside of work time, of course!) The university has not given me reason to trust their judgment in the past, and I don’t trust that this software will keep my data private. I also have my own risk tolerance for downloading open-source software from the internet, and I don’t relish having to go through IT to get downloads unblocked, especially if they have nothing to do with work.

Do I have any options? Obviously, this is what work computers are for, but there’s no funding for them and I can’t afford to buy a second laptop. (Nor can most of my peers! People are already using absolutely ancient laptops because they couldn’t afford new ones in the first place.) We do have a union, which I am active in, and there’s a possibility that we could push back collectively on this, but the timeline for getting it resolved is likely to exceed the time they’ve given us to comply with this order.

Also, nobody else seems to be upset. Did they just not read the email? Am I wildly overreacting? Maybe this is just a necessary change to the technology … but I feel very trapped.

You’re not overreacting; this is a massive overreach with significant privacy implications for your personal devices. It would be different if these were work-provided computers, but they’re not. And I suspect the reason no one else is upset is because they didn’t pay much attention to the email or haven’t thought through all the implications.

Legally, you don’t have much to stand on. Employers can require you to use your personal devices, and they can require you to install all sorts of invasive programs when you do. But you potentially have power in numbers, if enough of you push back on this. Talk to your union, and talk to your colleagues. Spell out exactly what they’re agreeing to if they install this software. (And why is it not an option to simply agree to install anti-virus software on your device that you select and control? That’s what I’d push for.)

3. I doubt my boss’s nephew is really a genius

My boss has hired her nephew to work part-time in our department. He’s 18 years old, fresh out of high school and I believe this is his first job (we do accounts receivable for a 2,500-person company). There are two supervisors in our department, me and another person. My boss made her nephew my direct report (without even discussing it with me!) and he is my only direct report; the other supervisor has no direct reports at all.

My issue with is probably not a big deal, but I’m still annoyed. At least once a week my boss refers to her nephew as a genius (“Genius Nephew has come up with a more efficient way to do X!” or “Nephew had a genius idea about Y!”) and it really annoys me; sure he’s smart enough I guess, but I doubt he’s actually a genius.

I am very hesitant to bring it up to my boss herself because when I’ve brought up other issues regarding the nephew in the past, she has justified his behavior even though one example of what he did (pushing off his research onto another department) is something she has expressly told the rest of us that we are not to do.

With some recent reorganizations, my boss has a new boss and honestly I would love to bring this up with him and hopefully he would see this situation as problematic and then we could hire someone other than my boss’s nephew, who would be able to work full-time AND not be the boss’s nephew OR my direct report.

Should I even bother to bring this up with my grandboss or should I just internally roll my eyes and let it go?

The issue is less that your boss thinks her nephew is a genius and more that she hired her nephew to work under you, which puts you in an impossible situation as far as managing him goes. The genius stuff is a subset of that larger problem; it shows a bias in his favor that’s probably connected to their familiar relationship, but even if she weren’t so effusive about his incredible brain, hiring him into her chain of command would still be a problem.

So yes, talk to your boss’s new boss! He may not even realize that your boss hired her own nephew and stuck you with managing him, so lay out the situation for him and whatever problems you’ve seen so far.

4. Hot desking and when to clock in

I recently started working at a place with a hot desk, and clean desk, policy. At the end of the day, we put our laptop, notebooks, etc. in our individual lockers, and at the beginning of the day we take our things out of our lockers and set them up at our usually-new desks. I have no issues with this: we only have to be in the office two days a week, and get to work from home the other three days, so this like a perfectly fair compromise to me.

My question is: should the time I spend setting up my things when I arrive, and putting away my things when I leave, be counted as working time? We use timesheets to clock in and out every day.

In past jobs I’ve counted my clock-in time as being when I’m logged in and online, but that’s in jobs where I’m always at the same desk so am not required to set up every day. It doesn’t take that long (probably five minutes on either end), but I’d still like a definitive answer. Thoughts?

It should be paid time. Federal law requires you to be paid for activities before and after your work shift if they are “an integral and indispensable part of the principal activities” for which you’re employed. An activity is integral and indispensable if it is “one with which the employee cannot dispense if they are to perform their principal activities.” You need to set up your work station in order to perform your job, and you are required to put things away when you leave, so doing that should be paid time.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Manager says I have to come in even though my doctor says to stay home

My company has just increased the number of days we’re expected to be in office. We were fully remote for two years during the pandemic, so the shift to hybrid work has been a big adjustment, as is the new increase to our in-office days.

If you miss an in-office day and don’t make it up in the same week, you get a strike. After three strikes in a six month period, you may be subject to disciplinary action / it may impact your performance review and standing.

Today, I’m working from home with a horrendous cough and fever. My doctor has advised that I should work from home all week to avoid getting my coworkers sick (and gave me a note that I submitted to work). My manager has advised that I should come in later this week as long as my fever is gone so that my performance review doesn’t suffer. I’ve been advised to mask up and to find a meeting room where I can set up camp for the day, so I can isolate while checking the attendance box.

Is there any world in which this is reasonable? I think that if a medical professional has said I shouldn’t be around other people, I shouldn’t come into the office. And asking me to contradict a doctor’s guidance is pretty wild. (For what it’s worth, we live in a large city so coming in will mean being next to strangers on public transit or spending $50+ each way on an Uber.)

No, there’s no world in which that’s reasonable, unless you’re, I don’t know, engaged in some kind of life and death work where you are the only person who can carry out your portion of an incredibly important mission that will result in loss of life or limb if you’re not there. Any chance that’s the case?

Assuming not, your manager is being wildly unreasonable. Maybe that’s because she is wildly unreasonable, or maybe it’s because she’s under extreme pressure from above to make people comply with the new in-office policy and doesn’t have the savvy to know there are times when you still need to push back, who knows.

You can try spelling it out for her: “Are you saying my performance review could suffer because I’m following a doctor’s advice to stay home for a full week? That doesn’t seem right and I wonder if it’s something we can check with HR.”

Otherwise, she’s telling you to return as long as your fever is gone, so it sounds like your fever won’t be gone this week.

Related:
does an employer have to act on a doctor’s note?

2. My boss asked me to take a call while I was in the bathroom

I was sitting at my desk this morning when I suddenly needed to go “number two.” I hate to do this because I work in a converted townhouse where the bathrooms are just one toilet and sink, like in a house. But this was a serious situation!

I was sitting there and I heard my boss outside the bathroom door:
“Molly, are you in there?”
“Um, yes. Yes, I am.”
“Mr. Smith is on the phone.”
Well, I certainly can’t take a phone call NOW, you boob! But I said, “Could you ask him to call back?”
“How long are you going to be in there?”
A very personal question, sir! “As long as it takes, I guess.”

Then another coworker walked by and he started discussing something with her, right outside the door. It was like a staff meeting, except one person was trying to poop. This whole experience left me discombobulated! Should I complain to him about it, or talk to HR?

Eh, hopefully it was one awkward/thoughtless moment and not the start of a pattern. He was in the wrong, but it’s not something you need to do anything about unless it keeps happening. If it does happen again, you could say to him (not through the bathroom door, but when you’re in more of a position to talk), “When I’m in the bathroom, I’m indisposed and can’t take calls. Can you please let the person know I’m away from my desk and will call them back if that happens?”

This isn’t an HR issue unless it’s happening a lot and he’s, like, banging on the door while you’re in there.

Also, a white noise machine inside the bathroom or right outside of it might make this set-up a lot more comfortable.

3. My employee asked me for a reference … for a job I’m also applying to

I’m a mid-level manager at a company who is happy with my job but open to other opportunities. One of my employees, Sansa, is looking for other work openly, because we can’t offer competitive compensation or the hours that she would prefer. I love Sansa — she’s great at her job and I absolutely understand why she would be looking for other employment. She asked me to be a reference and I happily agreed. All has been well, and I have provided a reference for her that resulted in a job offer that didn’t end up working out. Yesterday, she mentioned a job that I also applied to. Eeek!

This job would be a step back in responsibility for me but would offer more pay, better benefits, and more time off. It would be a step forward for her, and probably a great fit. If they called me for a reference, I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend her. But in the back of my mind, I worry about all eventual scenarios. What if we’re in the final round, and they ask for references? What if I get the job and haven’t told her that I applied? Will she feel lied to? Backstabbed? What if she gets the job and finds out after I also applied but lost out to her … will our professional relationship be awkward afterward? Should I tell her now before we’ve even gotten to interviews? We are in a niche field so are bound to continue running into each other. But more importantly, we get along really well as coworkers and generally have a lot of department camaraderie that I wouldn’t want to color with a negative experience at the end of our working relationship. I have a lot of respect for her. I always tell my staff that it’s a job, not a family, and they should put themselves first, but I’m having trouble navigating the lines between what’s professional courtesy and what’s divulging information that’s unnecessary for them to know.

Oooh, yeah, if you feel like you can safely share with her that you’ve applied for that job yourself, without risking repercussions in your current organization, I would. Otherwise, if you end up getting the job and that’s the first time she learns of it, she’s likely to wonder if you only applied because she told you about it (not that people have dibs on job openings, but no one wants to feel their reference swiped an opening out from under them) or if you gave her a less-than-glowing reference in order to get the job yourself.

You can avoid all that if you tell her now. Say that you want to be up-front with her that you had already applied for the position and you are still happy to give her a glowing reference if she wants, but you wanted to be transparent with her in case she’d rather use someone else.

Related:
my reference applied for the job I wanted, after I told her about it

4. Is it better to be interviewed first or last?

Is it better to go early or late in the interviewing process?

I usually choose the first interview time available to (1) show I’m excited about the position and (2) set the standard for everyone else (and to knock out the competition if I’m lucky). But that means I’m waiting on tenterhooks while the employer figures out what they’re trying to do and out of sight, out of mind. Would it be better to go as close to last as possible because it, in theory, shortens my wait time and my meeting is fresh in the mind?

Basically, I need a damn job and I’m willing to try any voodoo that might help.

It really doesn’t matter that much.

There is research showing people remember the first and last in a series better than those in the middle, but if you’re a strong candidate you’re very unlikely to be forgotten just because you were interviewed in the middle. Plus, if you go first, you might set the bar for everyone else — or your interviewer might think, “She was good but we’re so early in the process” and not put any special weight on you.

Moreover, you don’t have enough context on the list of slots they’re offering. For all you know, someone else has already taken an earlier slot or a later slot and you’re just hearing about the remaining ones. Plus, things change all the time — you could have what you think is their last slot and then a great candidate emerges and they need to wait until that person can be scheduled, which drags out the process for everyone, or things get delayed for other reasons. There’s just really no way to game this. Take the slot that’s convenient for you and don’t put more thought into it than that.

To the extent that any voodoo is available, it’s in preparing really well for the interview, not in where your interview falls.

5. My title is different in different places — which one do I use?

In part thanks to your resume advice, I have managed to leave my old, hated industry and entered a new one! There’s a whole new set of industry norms to maneuver, however, and one is perplexing me. On internal documents, I have one title — think “llama farmer relationship manager II” — but on outside-facing or public documents I am styled simply “operations specialist.” Which one do I use — on credit card applications, on my voter registration, on future resumes? When my parents ask?

In cases where someone is likely to check the title (like a background check), you should use the title that your company will confirm, which might be the internal one … but might be either of them, depending on how your company does things. For everything else, you can use whichever of the two you prefer, since they’re both accurate.

And for the first category, where you need to make sure it’ll match up with what the company will say, ask your boss! You don’t need to say it’s for future reference checks; you can say you want to make sure you’re using the right title on things like credit card applications.