Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose new coworker was the guy who naked-manned her on a Zoom date? Here’s the update.

The theme of this company for me has been “What is wrong with the men?”

In terms of the Naked Manning Coworker, I took your advice and played ignorant. I ended up having lunch with him during my second week, in order to not make waves. At the time, my manager was really pushing the local team to meet up occasionally, so there was pressure to go to lunch or tell my manager why I didn’t want to. I opted to keep it to myself and go to the planned lunch. Aside from Naked Man standing far too close while we waited in line to order lunch, I was able to maintain a cool but professional attitude throughout the hour-long lunch. Thankfully, he didn’t say a word about knowing me in any capacity, though I got the sense he very much knew by some curious phrasing and comments he made.

Now, you might be wondering, what is it with this theme? At the time, I didn’t have a good read on my manager or the team dynamics. Then, after a couple months, my manager made a series of comments that still leave me a bit stunned.

Some of the comments:

• On a project call, I was quiet and not really contributing. Out of nowhere, my manager said to me, “You can’t think like you, Ms. Pride and Prejudice on your shelf. You need to consider our teapot making customers and what they would want.” (as a note, I’ve been a teapot marketer for 10+ years).
• I managed to get tickets to a VERY popular artist at the last minute and was super excited about the experience. It was truly once in a lifetime for me. He joined a call late as I was sharing the experience with my peer and promptly interjected with, “So it was just you and a stadium of teenage girls” and “we pay you too much if you can afford to go see VERY popular artist.”

Ultimately, I ended up confronting the comments head on with him, stating they made me worry about whether I was respected or could trust him due to the nature of the comments. Naturally, he stated they were jokes and that he thought I knew they were jokes. During the resolution of this situation, he was quite flustered and really wanted to make it clear that I could trust him. In response, I let him know the reason I was evaluating whether he could be trusted by sharing the Naked Man story with him. After being rather stunned, he thanked me for sharing and said he would take that into consideration when assigning projects and travel for the team.

True to his word, I didn’t have overlapping work or travel with the Naked Manning coworker and got to keep my distance aside from some team calls here and there. My manager has also been far more respectful since I confronted him. The Naked Manning coworker was recently impacted by layoffs, so I no longer have that particular situation hanging over my head. I feel a bit guilty about being relieved, but it definitely was a weight lifted knowing I had one less poorly behaved man to deal with daily at work.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose employee wanted more praise but wasn’t doing a good job? Here’s the update.

First, thank you and the commenters for your advice. I have been reading your column since 2008 and still learn something new every day and you have the best commentariat.

Your reply had me really reflecting on my approach to managing this employee and his fit for the job. I realized that some of my negativity may have been coming from some personality conflict so I began by making sure I made a conscious effort to remove that bias. Then, I took a really hard look at whether I really thought he could be successful in the role. Unfortunately, it looked more and more like it wasn’t a good fit (for us or for him) and we started documentation to possibly move toward transitioning him out of the role. Ideally, we were hoping to find another role for him within the organization since this really was about the role being a fit for his skill set and strengths and we didn’t want to lose a good employee.

While that was going on though, I worked to identify and give him regular positive feedback in addition to setting clear expectations for areas that needed improvement. And he did improve. He started taking more initiative and while things didn’t seem to come easily to him, he worked very hard to learn the areas that were new to him and increase his capacity for the things required by the role. Unfortunately, some external factors required that we change the nature of the role and he no longer met the new requirements. We weren’t able to find a different position for him so it looked like we were going to have to eliminate the position as it was and let him go. But, as I suspected through the whole process, he clearly felt it wasn’t working out and he found a new position before any of that happened.

I am glad for that outcome and grateful for the things I learned from the experience and your advice. It prompted me to think much more critically about my management style and I genuinely regret that I probably contributed to making work a more stressful place for him. I hope (and believe) he is happy in his new role and that I’ve improved as a manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who had poured all their time into helping an employee and was discouraged by how it ended? Here’s the update.

Reading the submission now nine months later, I can see that I was too personally invested/emotional about the whole situation, which many readers (rightfully) picked up on. Even still, so many readers were kind and thoughtful, and encouraged me not to get jaded as I continue in managing people in my career.

I took your advice about spending significant energy on hiring the right person for the role, and spent an exhausting six months hiring someone for the job. We had many candidates that probably would have been “fine,” but I didn’t want to repeat the cycle of over-managing someone who was just not the right fit for the role which, ultimately, was the crux of Wanda’s issues; she had many strengths but this job was not the right one for her. Even though the search was long and somewhat tedious, I also got to spend a lot of time covering for the role, and learning the parts that could use fixing, seeing which areas might need more managing, and streamlining some processes that were set up long before I arrived for the new person when they started.

Happily, we did hire a person who has been a great fit for the job, and who has exceeded every goal or standard set thus far. In fact, it appears she’s even become bored in the role, and now I get to approach a new management challenge of helping someone upskill in the workplace. This in and of itself has made me more confident; the tension in the role was more a Wanda issue than a me issue. However, my insecurities about the whole situation still creep in, and I sometimes find myself second guessing management decisions I make — am I overdoing it if I check in on this project? Are they feeling unsupported if I don’t? I hope with time and the right people I’ll continue to gain confidence and strike the right balance of it all. I’ve taken a lot of opportunities to learn from and observe the great managers in my own workplace, and to reflect on the good managers I had — especially the ones I had when I was in the entry-level admin role I now manage.

Just want to say thank you again to all the kind commenters who boosted my spirits and said “been there, done that.” Thank you also for posting my question so that I could get some very valuable feedback from people not as close to the situation as me!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was accused of bullying by two temps (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I have a doozy of an update!

I pushed back on the temp agency and set expectations regarding the skills we needed, and the next three temps lasted the remainder of our need for temps. We tried really hard to find them other positions within our company but the timing was terrible. I’ve stayed in touch with all three and provided a glowing recommendation back to the temp agency. I’ve also been a reference a few times as they’ve applied for positions outside of the temp agency. I was able to refer one to an administrative job at the local college, one was able to use the training to work for another company in our area that is a similar business, and one ended up moving back home to take care of family but has my contact info if they come back to the area.

The multiple-paragraph text message attacking me is now part of my company lore! It gets told to office new hires and has made its way around the company and the general response has been that people were stunned that she acted that way and felt that way about me. I’ve had people from the chief level and down seek me out to tell me they enjoy working with me, I’m an asset to the company, or something similar.

I really really appreciate the commenters who realized I was seeing everything through a pregnancy lens and gave me grace.

That all sounds bland, right? Here’s the doozy part — the stress at work plus a stressful issue at home (now resolved) combined with getting the flu sent me into labor at 27 weeks (roughly six months). I spent two days in the hospital trying to prevent labor and then had an urgent C-section. My company did all the things we hope a company would do! I had one coworker who volunteered as the designated contact and people at all levels of the company were checking in with her during the two days. I of course went on immediate FMLA leave during the last year of the month which is terrible timing for my responsibilities. I’d been working with my team to cover my leave but had fully expected to be there during year-end and Audit so not covered as much in those areas.

My team stepped up and did FABULOUS! My boss recognized their work and gave them raises. By the end of December my baby had stabilized in the NICU and I came back temporarily to work as otherwise I would have used all my leave before he was expected to be released closer to his due date in March.

I came back to work dealing with a baby in the NICU, a toddler at home who didn’t understand why both parents were never home at the same time anymore, PTSD from the whole situation, and some serious PPD/A. The first two weeks were extremely rough and I would burst into tears for no reason. I didn’t work a full day that entire month and no one blinked an eye. In fact, my team helped me not get pulled into things towards the end of the day so I could always leave early to get to the NICU. My same designated contact coworker tried to intercept people to give them updates for me too. About two weeks in, I had another check-up with my doctor and agreed to medication help (I had turned it down previously as I was so worried about passing anything to the baby as super tiny babies can’t have formula).

We made it through the audit and honestly, it was probably the best one ever. I went back on leave in mid-March with just one thing pending and a team I knew could handle it. Additionally, my company stepped up and paid me what short-term disability would have paid had I not returned to work temporarily. The next day (two days before the baby came home from the hospital), I fell and broke my foot so I was juggling my own healing with a newborn and we learned to get around on wheels. I’m including a link to the video my company did in March when we were asked to be this year’s March of Dimes “My Company” Family and pictures of when baby was born, when baby came home, and baby now so Alison can confirm for you all that baby is adorable, growing, and all good!

(Alison here: I can indeed confirm that the baby is adorable, growing, and all good!)

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My lying coworker claimed someone said I couldn’t eat at my desk

I’m the letter writer with the low-stakes question about etiquette for eating breakfast at my desk in a shared office.

I really appreciate Alison’s thoughtful answer and everyone who took the time to comment! Many people said that I should have stood up to my coworker, which in theory I’m sure is what I should have done. However, in hindsight, that entire office — and that coworker in particular — was incredibly toxic and had really warped my views of what was or wasn’t normal in a professional environment.

My officemate was a bully, and upper management consistently let him get away with terrible behavior, such as:
– Flying into rages and regularly breaking phones, keyboards, even computer monitors (to the point where another colleague put fake tombstone “RIP” post-its on all his office supplies when he had a bad day, since everyone knew he would break something)
– Driving recklessly around our parking lot on his motorcycle without a helmet (illegal in our area)
– Smoking out the office window instead of actually going outside
-Skipping meetings or training sessions that were required for the entire staff
– Making sexist comments about other employees, clients, or suppliers
– Coming into work visibly (and odorantly) drunk, then turning off his phone and taking a nap at his desk

Because he was such a high performer, our director turned a blind eye to his behavior, and it went on for so long that we all (and me in particular, since I worked closely with him) lost touch with the fact that it was totally out of line.

Things finally came to a head a few months after the breakfast incident. My coworker decided he didn’t like something I said to one of our junior coworkers, stood up, slammed his hands on my desk, and screamed at me for about two full minutes. He called me all sorts of names, insulted me personally and professionally, and threatened me. As soon as he stopped I went to our director and our HR person and asked for him to be officially disciplined, but they both just shrugged and said, “Well, that’s how he is, we all know it.” When I said this was unacceptable, our HR person offered me a different job in a different department — with a slight raise, but a role I was not trained for, had no interest or experience in, and with significantly more travel.

I handed in my resignation the next day, got a nice severance package, and started a (much better!) new career just six weeks later. I wish I could say I never looked back, but I still look back ALL the time (my letter to AAM is proof of this), wondering how much of the conflict was my fault, if I could have stood up for myself better, if I could have behaved differently, etc.
It’s really disheartening to think about how lasting the impact of a toxic work environment can be, but I’m glad that there is a supportive community like this one to help.

2. Using enneagrams in hiring

I am the one who wrote in about using enneagrams for hiring. The coworker who brought it up also wanted us to take the test and discuss it in our next staff meeting. I brought up my concerns to our manager about it being a strictly Christian practice. She was a little alarmed and said we wouldn’t be doing that. I wasn’t so much worried about doing it in the staff meeting — I was more worried about her or grandboss thinking it could be used in actual hiring. We have a pretty robust DEI system, but many people have not heard of enneagrams. I was concerned that they would think it was a “fun” way to hire a cohesive team and not realize they were basically pushing a religious system on applicants. Thank you for validating my concern that this was not a good idea and that it should never come up in an interview.

3. How can I get used to cube life again?

Thank you so much to all the commenters who had great ideas for cube life! I ended up moving buildings and am now seated next to a window (yay!) that I think my boss advocated for. I did end up getting a plant that is looking extremely luscious after a few months of hanging out in my window and I have started regularly going to the gym at lunch (which isn’t located in my building, unfortunately- I pay for it separately but it’s really worth it.) Getting exercise in the middle of the day makes me feel like I’m “using” my downtown time productively and getting a little more tired makes sitting at a desk for the afternoon more bearable. I also go for walks to get some fresh air and have made a few work friends who are a real godsend- just having someone else to go chat with for a few minutes really brightens the day. I also bought new work clothes that are comfortable and fashionable (my old clothes were kind of dated) and that makes it more fun to get dressed up to go in.

Now that I’m more settled in New City, I’m looking for a job with better flexibility and a better culture. The strict in-office requirement in this case is definitely a symptom of an old boys club work culture that isn’t very welcoming to women or anyone who’s not a senior executive, which is most of my awesome team. My team has quietly revolted in our various locations and takes way more illicit WFH days than we are allocated including some half days here and there finishing the day WFH. TBD how long we can keep up this secretive balancing act- I’m fairly certain over half my team will quit if we are held to the WFH restrictions to the letter.

4. Will it look bad to skip my former boss’s retirement party? (#3 at the link)

Thanks so much for answering my question about not attending my former boss’s retirement party.

I did not attend the party and followed your advice regarding having a “scheduling conflict” if anyone asked me whether I was going. (Only a couple of people did actually ask, and I received no pressure or even so much as a raised eyebrow.) I feel great about my decision and I appreciate the support from so many of your readers via the comments section.

I did, however, partake in my own private “good riddance” celebration at home last weekend by watching the movie “Renfield”: a hilarious depiction of escaping a toxic relationship with the most narcissistic boss of all time (Dracula). It was just the catharsis I needed.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. HR doesn’t want me to fire an employee for lying and falsifying records

I took your advice — particularly the last sentence of it — and I’m no longer working at that organization.

My employee admitted to making the change and lying about it. My manager agreed that we should let them go immediately, but HR insisted on a PIP. There were other performance issues to point to, so I didn’t have to have only a goal of “don’t lie.” Unfortunately, shortly before the scheduled end of the PIP, I caught a major judgement error and, due to that and a lack of progress, we let the employee go.

Interestingly, shortly after this experience, another employee was let go after making a single mistake — no dishonesty involved, and no PIP.

This issue was indicative of others across the organization. Essentially, I was disempowered from doing my job through micromanagement and a lack of information. I ramped up my job search after this experience and started a new position this fall.

2. I play in a church band and the director’s guitar is always out of tune (#2 at the link)

Because it’s the “where are you now” time of year at AAM, I thought you (and the followers of the blog) might find it interesting to hear the resolution to the bizarre out-of-tune guitar situation that I previously emailed in about:

Basically, I found an opportunity to speak to someone with more authority about the situation (the person who manages the worship and music teams), and she
advised me that the band director would be spoken to. I walked away slightly unsure, but after a short period of time the director showed up with a new electric guitar, which to my surprise seemed to resolve the issue. At first I had thought the tuning issue could be simply a lack of awareness, but now I think it was largely a quality issue with the first guitar, which was relatively inexpensive. I really do appreciate all the work the director does, and with the removal of the offending instrument, we’re in a pretty good position now.

Thanks to Alison and the comments section for your advice!

3. My office told me to pump in the bathroom (#3 at the link)

I just wanted to say thank you!

Accommodations were quickly made for me after I sent an email citing the law and cced my boss. HR is new and wrote that email without actually consulting anyone else and was also really wrong about what he told me.

Management contacted me to inform me that the policy has always been to accommodate people in my situation with a clean, private office and apologized profusely that I was told otherwise.

Not sure what happened to HR since I’m not in the office, but I haven’t heard from him since.

4. Can I ask a high-level exec to stop using the one gender-neutral bathroom?

While I got a bit raked over the coals in my initial post, it was a good reminder about other invisible disabilities beyond my own. The building was poorly set up to accommodate folks but that was out of my hands.

In retrospect, the washroom issue was just a big sign of how undervalued and invisible I felt to where I was working … plus some pretty substantial frustrations over having worked from home the first few years of the pandemic but being forced back in and having my accommodation claim to work from home more often denied. In December 2022, I interviewed for a new role in my university in a fully different department and got the job! I got a raise, I work from home 4/5 days a week (5/5 if I’m possibly contagious). PLUS I work with people who actually work hard to use my pronouns, some even gently correct each other even if they don’t know I’m in earshot. And for a bonus, the two washrooms are twice as close as last job and both are gender neutral. It’s not perfect because no job can be, but it’s a pretty amazing improvement over where I was when I wrote in. I really appreciate reading all the great advice from Alison and the commentariat, this is one of the few websites I’ve kept up with for quite a few years now.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer wondering if they could use sick time for psychedelic treatment (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I traveled to Oregon for my psilocybin experience in mid-October. Honestly, it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life; the outcomes have been even better than I had dared hoped.

But first, an update on the work side of this. I scheduled the experience for a Monday so that I could fly in on Sunday and return on Tuesday, and thus only need to use two days of sick time. My sick time was approved with no questions asked and nobody at work asked any prying questions about it. In hindsight I realize I was overthinking it.

Back to the psilocybin experience. The experience itself was profound and intense, one of the most intense of my life. While I wouldn’t call it fun, it wasn’t exactly bad either, just intense. It was very different than the experience you get during recreational use of psychedelics. My facilitator was amazing, she was essentially a neutral third party who was there to make sure I was comfortable and to answer any questions I had during, or after the experience. She was incredibly kind and helpful.

Since the experience, my depression symptoms have improved significantly. That isn’t to say I don’t still feel depressed occasionally, but it is far less often and never as intense. Before I was feeling a 9/10 intensity of depression almost every day for hours at a time, but now the worst I ever feel is maybe a 6/10, and that’s only once or twice a week. Plus, it’s easier for me to use various coping skills to feel better when I do feel depressed. These improvements have allowed me to go off Wellbutrin (an antidepressant) as well.

Additionally, my feelings of self-loathing and self-criticism have been dramatically reduced. I feel genuine love and compassion for myself now. I’ve also been more open to new experiences and more emotionally vulnerable with my friends. I still feel like I’m the same person I was before the trip, but now I’m a much healthier, wiser, and freer version of myself. I still have some mental health issues to work on, but they are much less intense and I’m making much more progress on them in therapy than I had been before the trip.

The experience really changed how I think and how I think about myself, so I suspect these improvements will be durable. I learned things about myself while on the mushrooms. They helped me observe my mind almost as if I was an outside observer. There are so many things I had “known” at an intellectual level about my negative thought patterns or healthier ways to think and be, but until I took the mushrooms I didn’t really know them in a deep, experienced way. Now I do.

Another important aspect of this treatment is what they call integration. You have to actively work to take what you learned in your trip and integrate it into your day-to-day thinking and life. It’s not exactly difficult work, but it does need to be done intentionally. If you just take the mushrooms and expect them to make you better completely on their own, it’s less likely to be helpful in the long run. Therapy has helped me a lot with that. I also think being in therapy for many years prior to doing this was helpful too in making it easier to learn from the trip.

I could go on and write pages and pages about this. While I don’t necessarily recommend this to everyone, and encourage folks considering it to do their own research, I think psychedelic therapy should be far more mainstream than it is. I know for me it has been life changing in the best way possible. I hope more states consider legalizing this treatment.