Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker quit and told everyone I’m having an affair — I’m not

I have a messy situation. Long story short, I’ve been falsely accused of having an affair at work. An employee, “Flora,” quit and has been telling people the reason is that she’s just so disgusted with this affair and how it has been handled. It’s a small company with lots of gossip. Flora contacted the alleged affair partner’s soon-to-be ex wife and told her a bunch of false information and gave her my contact info, as well as info about my husband. The ex-wife then contacted my husband and told him I was having an affair. Again, I was not having an affair.

I am not fully sure why Flora believes this. I don’t report to the alleged affair partner and never have, but I have to work with him since our positions align. There were two instances where our travel aligned to a different facility, but it wasn’t planned that way, and a few instances where we went to lunch together and he opened a door for me (???). Our office is not conducive to having private meetings, so we grab lunch to talk about projects.

HR has not said anything to me, other than asking how I was doing. Flora is now leaving reviews on sites referencing the affair (not naming me, fortunately). I like to keep my private life private and my initial hope was to just let this all blow over, but now I’m not sure. Is this something I should bring up with HR? How much info do I share? I’m super embarrassed by the whole situation and really don’t want to call attention to it, but the whole situation is just so far outside anything I’ve had to deal with that I don’t know who else to turn to for advice.

Please do talk with HR, because you’re being harassed and defamed as a result of your work there! Lay it out very clearly: A former employee is slandering you, posting false things about you in reviews of the company, and interfering with your marriage. There might not be much your company can do since Flora no longer works there, but she’s made it a work issue for you. You won’t be calling attention to it; Flora is the one doing that. It’s going to be very clear you’re not the one causing drama; Flora is.

You might also consider a short consultation with a lawyer. I don’t know from here whether she’s crossed any legal lines, but a lawyer can probably shut a lot of this down with a cease and desist letter. It’s worth finding out.

2. Coworker’s office is gun-themed

I moved to the U.S. a year ago and it has been a wild adventure. Although I worked at this company in an EU office previously, the culture in the U.S. is really different. The latest culture shock for me is that someone I work with occasionally (a few meetings a month) works from his home office and that home office is “gun themed.” When he is on video, it shows half a dozen different ammunition-related wall hangings — think different calibers of ammunition, a shotgun shell shaped thermometer, and an ammunition building station with a visible reloading tool and pile of ammunition.

Is this a reasonable thing in a U.S. workplace? Am I being unreasonable by feeling a bit uncomfortable with so much gun paraphernalia?

You’re not being unreasonable; loads of people, including in the U.S., would find that distracting and alarming, and a lot of workplaces would tell him to use a different background. I sure would, if I were his manager.

That said, there are parts of the country where this might not raise eyebrows.

3. I spend too much time chasing down signatures for birthday cards

We’re a small office (12-14 fully staffed, a mix of full-timers and part-timers, but since the pandemic, generally there are 10 of us). We have always celebrated birthdays with cards and cake. I’m the business manager, and somehow over the last few years, it has become my job to keep track of the card and make sure everyone has gotten the chance to sign it.

It’s not so much that I mind doing this, it’s just that we’ve been short staffed for almost four years and I have so much on my plate. For the last two birthday cards, I missed having someone sign (a different person on each, because neither of them are full-time).

I don’t want anyone to feel less than, forgotten, or left out (no Leap Year babies here!), but I’m struggling with this “low-value” task when I have really important things on my plate, but I don’t know who else could take it over. That feels like a weird task to assign an employee, especially when we don’t have a receptionist. Is my only option to keep struggling with this task (on average) one week per month?

Three options:

A. Let everyone know that chasing people down to sign cards has become too time-consuming and you’ll no longer be doing that. Instead, you’ll send out one message letting people know the card is in your office and to stop by and sign it. If someone misses it, so be it.

B. Move to online cards. However, you still might have the same issue with people needing to be reminded to sign, so if you do this, you should still just let people know once and not spend time chasing down anyone who hasn’t signed.

C. Stop the cards altogether. Let everyone know that it’s become too time-consuming and you are heralding in a new, card-less era. Emphasize that there will still be cake.

Personally, I vote for C because you’re overwhelmed and the other two options still involve you thinking too much about cards.

4. Invited to be a guest speaker and then blown off

Several months ago, I was contacted by a professor who teaches in the grad school department I attended. I have very good relationships with the department and I am often invited to speak at alum events, but this professor is new so we had never met. (Let’s call him Dr. Smith.)

Dr. Smith asked me to be a guest speaker at an alumni discussion he was hosting for his class. He told me there would be two or three other alum invited and asked me to prepare a 20-minute dialogue about my experiences in school and my current work.

A few days ago, I checked in with him over email and he sent me a Zoom link to attend (his class was virtual). However, I was unable to get into the meeting because it was set up to only allow people with an authorized school Zoom account (which I no longer had as a long-time alum).

I email Dr. Smith asking him to change the meeting permissions. When he finally responds 30 minutes into the class, he tells me there’s nothing he can do. He says he believes it’s a log-in issue on my end and tells me, “Maybe next time, thanks anyway.”

I feel frustrated that I spent time to prepare a speech and also stepped away from work to attend, yet my absence didn’t seem to be a big deal. There was no attempt to address the tech issue and no acknowledgement for the inconvenience to me. Am I overthinking this? How should I email back?

He was rude! Technical issues happen, but if he wasn’t able to figure it out in the middle of the class, he should have apologized profusely, acknowledged your time investment, and asked if there was a convenient time to reschedule, if you were still willing to. Instead, he was cavalier about your time, as if you weren’t doing him a favor that you put time and energy into at his request.

I don’t think you need to spell that out for him, but I also wouldn’t agree to do him any future favors, particularly if they involve you committing a block of your time. (However, if you really want to say something, you could respond with, “I put a lot of time in preparing what you had requested. Can I suggest you test the tech ahead of time in the future so that doesn’t happen to another guest speaker?”)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker won’t stop talking about a war that’s endangering my loved ones

I work for a medium-sized nonprofit with a diverse staff, including many recent immigrants to the country (we are in Europe). A colleague with whom I work closely in my team of six is a recent immigrant from a country that is currently at war with a country I have close ties to, including family and friends still living there. This would be fine, as I feel able to set this aside and work with her as normal, but for the fact that she Will. Not. Stop. Talking. About. The. War. In a one-to-one catch up to discuss a project she’s assisting me with? She wants to talk about the war. In a department or team meeting with a clear agenda? Somehow she brings the conversation back to the war.

From my name and what few personal details people at work know about me, you wouldn’t guess that I have ties to the country that hers is at war with, so I wonder if she just doesn’t realize when she’s saying these things that they’re directly impacting me (although, from what I know of this colleague, she can be pretty oblivious to how things come across regardless of who she’s talking to).

I am finding the constant discussion about the conflict triggering, but I also can’t find the words to say “please stop.” I’d prefer it if work was a place where I could (as much as possible) forget about what is happening to those I love and focus on, well, work. But she’s making it impossible. We have a very open, collegiate, and friendly workplace where it’s considered the norm to talk about family, where people come from, etc., so it feels difficult to challenge her when she’s basically just doing what others do — just with added war talk. But it’s so upsetting to me that I’ve started to avoid meetings where she’ll be present (we work remotely so I can mostly manage to have a schedule clash). How can I address this, either with her or our team manager?

Would you be comfortable saying, “I have family there, so this is a really distressing topic for me and I’d be grateful if you wouldn’t bring it up around around me”? And then if she brings it up after that: “Like I’ve told you, I can’t talk about this at work. Thank you for understanding.”

If that doesn’t solve it, it’s reasonable to say something to your manager like, “I have family living in (region) who I’m deeply worried about so the war is a very upsetting topic to me. I’ve asked Jane to keep that in mind and not bring it up with me, but she keeps talking about it regularly, and it’s distressing and distracting. Would you be able to intervene since my speaking with her directly hasn’t worked?”

2. Can I back out of a chaotic freelance project?

I’m a freelancer in a fairly small industry. Recently, I was invited to be part of a project with nine other, more established peers. They had someone back out and would I like to step in and participate? The project would involve all 10 of us doing approximately the same work and then bundling it all together. For example, say we’re all submitting a piece of art and putting together an art exhibit. How successful we are will determine how much business this drums up for each of us for the future and how much money we’ll make from our efforts.

Well, the art show was supposed to have happened this month, and … it didn’t. Half the artists chime in vaguely when directly asked to share ideas but didn’t actually start on their work until the last minute, and then the decision was made to push the project back several months, and two more people dropped out (in addition to the one I replaced). Now there’s talk of some people simply painting two pieces instead of continuing to recruit replacements. The organizer is still gung ho about how awesome the show will be and is sure it will be a huge success.

Everyone involved is a bigger name in the industry than I am, and I don’t want to cause problems for myself professionally in my small and often catty industry, but I think I want out! I’m not convinced this art show will happen at all, and right now it feels like I’m back in high school doing 90% of the group project while hoping that somebody notices how little the rest of the group is contributing. *If* the show happens, it would be a great way to get my name out there, but if it doesn’t — or if it flops because no one else makes an effort — I’ll be sinking a ton of time and work into it for nothing. Is there a professional way to back out of my commitment? (No paperwork was signed, it’s all an informal thing.) If they’re saying snarky things about the work ethic of the people who already backed out, I’m sure they’ll do the same for me, and I can’t afford that in a field where freelance jobs come by word of mouth … but I don’t particularly want to spend the next six months deferentially herding cats either!

You could take advantage of the fact that the timeline has changed and say, “I was able to participate when the show was slated for this month, but I won’t be able to be involved on the new timeline because of other commitments in the next few months.”

People who are determined to be snarky will always find something to snark about, but you wouldn’t be giving them ammunition; you committed to a specific scope of work in a specific time period, and you’re allowed to say that the new timeline clashes with other stuff you’ve already scheduled.

(That assumes that you’re sure you want to drop out. It certainly sounds reasonable to! But only you can balance that against whatever benefits could come from participating.)

3. I won’t supervise smoke breaks for minors

I won’t supervise smoke breaks, so I am the “bad shift leader” where I work. I work in a small restaurant doing fast food, often with only four staff on during dinner, and most of those are under 18. Problem is, some of them smoke or vape. Policy is that if they are under 18, they are not allowed to leave the building unsupervised except during their 30-minute break, even to take out trash! Their 15-minute breaks are expected to be taken in the break area inside the restaurant. So these employees need to convince another employee to stand outside and watch them smoke. This becomes a giggle chat time and leaves the other two employees swamped and unsupported, often for much longer than a single smoke. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I don’t want to be understaffed or charged with supporting underage smoking!

(Technically them just having the smokes or vapes on their person under 21 is illegal. Our store often has police who patrol our location, so them out smoking and giggling while in work shirts could become an issue. Those between 18 and 21 can go outside alone, so a 10-minute “taking the trash out” smoke break is not as hard to deal with, but still allows illegal activity on our work premises.)

You need to talk to your store manager because they really need to be setting policy about this. But absent that, as a shift leader you should have the authority to tell people they can’t take another employee outside with them on their break since it’s leaving the store short-staffed. You also should have the authority to say that employees can’t break federal law on store property or while in their work uniform (although it will really help to have your store manager backing you up on that one). Talk to everyone and say, “I know we’ve allowed this in the past, but we’re not allowing it going forward because it’s leaving us short-staffed and it’s a violation of federal law.”

If that makes you the bad guy … well, that’s because you’re dealing with minors who don’t fully understand how work works yet, and it’s going to be part of the job. It’ll help, though, to have your manager backing you up because if you’ll get more pushback if you’re the only shift leader who enforces those rules — which is why they should be involved.

Related:
will smoking hurt my promotion chances?

4. My employee needs repeated reminders to get his work done

I run a team of project managers and technical consultants. I have someone on my team, Bob, who does an adequate job. He is the most junior on the team. I find myself having to remind him of tasks he said he’d do or follow-ups he needs to make with a customer. None of them are huge issues. I feel petty bringing them up individually but, I feel like if I don’t remind him, they won’t get done. Really, the impact is that everything takes longer with him. It gets done, but it’s dragged out. I have given him feedback that he needs to be more proactive to move his projects forward. This feedback didn’t change this behavior.

I don’t like it. I feel like I’m micromanaging his to-do list.

Yeah, that’s a really big deal! You need to be able to rely on him to track his own work and do what he says he’s going to do without someone hovering over him and monitoring him that closely. It’s time to treat this as a serious performance issue — meaning sitting down with him, naming the pattern and what needs to change, offering recent examples so you’re sure he’s clear on the problems, and then giving him some short amount of time (weeks, not months) to show he can meet the expectations of the job. You can offer coaching and support (for example, does he need help figuring out organizational systems?) but he’s got to demonstrate that he can do this piece of the job. If he can’t, treat it the way you would anything else where someone wasn’t meeting the requirements of the job after clear feedback and coaching. Here’s advice on doing that: 1, 2, 3

Also, this is a big deal for any job, but if Bob is one of your project managers, that adds additional urgency since these skills are so fundamental to that work.

5. Interviewing when I need time off for regular fertility appointments

I am currently job hunting and have found a job I am interested in. This is a great opportunity to jump into a new career and get started in something I am passionate about. There is just one thing that is holding me back: how do I talk about the fact that I am currently in fertility specialist appointments?

I currently go to the specialist twice to three times a month and make up the time with my current role. I am usually no more than one hour late to work for these appointments unless there is an exception. I want to bring this up in the hiring process (without mentioning that it is for fertility) so they do not feel like I have done a bait and switch on them.

Can you help me with what I should say or if I should bring this up to them at all? I am worried that they will make the connection if a few months in I announce I am pregnant and the appointments slow down.

It’s normal — and recommended — to wait until you have an offer and not bring it up before then. Medical appointments that make you late an hour late a few times a month are such an easily-accommodated thing that no reasonable employer will feel you baited and switched them by not raising it earlier (it’s not like you’re suddenly announcing, “By the way, I only work two days a month” or “I will need to work from Argentina”) and it’ll actually feel premature if you bring it up sooner.

Once you have an offer, say this: “I have medical appointments two to three mornings per month. Would it be possible for me to start work at 10 am on those days?” You don’t need to say what it’s for (and shouldn’t — it’s none of their business, and there’s no expectation that you’ll share details). If they make the connection once you announce you’re pregnant down the road, so be it; that’s not a big deal. (But also, people are remarkably oblivious and I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t.)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. We’re required to work in-person, but my coworker doesn’t come in

I work on a team that is separated into two teams: one with about 12 people and then my team of five. Our larger team works in the office three days a week. These days were chosen to align with other cross-functional teams that we work with who are also in those same three days.

I’ve been with this company for about a year and a half and early on, I learned that one of the people on my smaller team rarely came into the office due to an HR-approved reason. I did not find out the reason until, unfortunately, her husband passed away from cancer early last year. Now it has been nearly a year and she still rarely comes in. She will come in for a special event like our team holiday event and then leave directly after.

I have talked with our manager in the past about some of my frustrations, but she has indicated both that she will never make this employee come back to the office and that our VP thinks that “things are working.” She also has said that it might be an HR problem. Shortly after that conversation, she mentioned integrating this person back into the office, but did not give any other details. This was all prior to the holidays and nothing has really changed.

We recently had a small event on-site that this person came in for and then, maybe 10 minutes after it was over, left. She was then on a team call later that afternoon. Our boss also never seems to know when she will be in the office or be leaving right after an event.

Is it time to go to HR? I try to be understanding that this person has lost their partner, but I’m also struggling to balance that with the reason we’re given for being in the office.

Is it affecting your work? If so, talk to your manager about the impact it’s having on your work and ask for her help in solving that.

But if it doesn’t impact your work and it’s just a matter of what seems fair, you should leave it alone. You don’t have the standing to raise someone else’s schedule if it’s not affecting you, and there could be all kinds of info you’re not privy to — like that she has an ongoing medical accommodation for something unrelated to her husband’s illness, or she’s so excellent at her work that the company negotiated a different arrangement with her, or a bunch of other explanations.

But even if there’s nothing like that and it’s just plain unfairness, you still don’t really have the standing to object to someone else’s schedule if it doesn’t impact you — and when you’re new to a company that clearly wants to accommodate her, you risk looking callous and like you’re overstepping. (To be clear, if your boss wrote in and said they were exempting one team member from a policy everyone else had to follow and they had no real justification for it, I’d give them different advice. But you’re in a different position.)

2. Do I have to use the phone for my freelance client?

I am a freelancer. I balance multiple projects for a variety of clients. Almost all my clients reach out by email, which allows me to get to them when I have a minute while also providing a written reminder of project specifics that I can consult as needed.

However, one client prefers the telephone. Edwina is the nicest person, and chatty. She calls whenever she has a project and will explain at length what she needs, sometimes going into tangents on somewhat unrelated things. The calls can take up to 10 or 15 minutes, sometimes more. They are also out of the blue (any other client I have will schedule a call by email).

Am I being too picky about these calls? They require that I stop the project I am on, which is unfair to the client I’m currently working for. These calls are also unbillable hours, as they are essentially project requests. I also hate being on the phone, especially unplanned, and the whole thing leaves me anxious. Then I have to find my way back into the focus of the project I was working on in the first place.

Letting her calls go to voicemail is even worse. Then I have to listen to a long message and then call her back, making the time spent on just establishing if I can do the project even longer. Plus I have to make myself a reminder to check my messages (I never ever get calls so it’s not a habit) and knowing I have to call back leaves me feeling anxious until I do. I really do hate the phone.

That said, Edwina is lovely, her projects are important, she trusts me which I am grateful for, and her intentions are only ever helpful. I would not want to lose her, and if this is the extra cost of having her as a client, that’s fine by me. But every time the phone rings I go through this whole thought process.

Some people are phone people and feel they communicate better over the phone, just as some people are email people and feel they communicate better that way. As a freelancer you have the power to decide you’re going to funnel all clients to email, but it does mean that some people may decide you’re not the right fit and you’ll lose their business. Some freelancers are fine with that! But it sounds like you’d rather keep Edwina if that’s the price.

I can’t tell whether you’ve tried asking Edwina to initiate new projects by email. If you haven’t asked yet, you could. In fact, why not create an online form that collects all the info you need and ask her to fill that out? You’ll be less likely to sound like you’re just saying “I don’t want to talk to you,” plus you’’ll get the benefit of collecting all the info you need.

But also, 10-15 minute phone calls are not terribly lengthy when you work with clients! I agree you shouldn’t interrupt work you’re doing for another client to answer them, but you’re choosing to do that rather than (a) coming up with a system to remind you to check your messages  later or (b) asking Edwina to stop leaving details on your voicemail and instead ask you call her back when you can talk. By choosing to interrupt other work to take her calls, you’re making it harder on yourself but not fully owning that choice, which makes me think you’re letting your dislike of the phone color your actions too much.

All of which is to say … yes, the price of keeping Edwina is a client might be that you have to talk to her on the phone, but there are things to try that could make it easier.

Related:
can I tell clients that I don’t talk on the phone?

3. My old high school started a mentoring program and it sucks

I’m in a specialized field that requires a graduate degree, and I work at an organization that’s viewed as very desirable. I mentor a lot of different ways: through my college, graduate school, and as an official resource at my organization for people looking to learn more about joining the organization.

My high school (!) set up a career networking site and invited alum to join, to both seek and offer mentoring, networking, post jobs and internships, etc. Standard stuff, though for high school students and alumni. The head of the new career networking site, Allan, emailed me, asking if I would mentor students and I said sure. Then, the weird part comes: Allan emails me and dozens of other alumni, cc’ing one student (Bertha), saying, “Hello alumni in [field]. I have cc’d Bertha who is interested in your field. Please reach out to them.” Over the next few days, I received more emails (and so did my fellow alumni) for more students, though eventually we were all added to the bcc line, so I couldn’t see how many of my fellow alumni were on the emails.

This is all really weird, right? I get that they’re high school students, but doesn’t it seem like it 1) totally defeats the purpose of teaching them how to network, and 2) seems a little creepy? I’m a man, and I feel uncomfortable reaching out to high school students, where as far as I can tell, they haven’t indicated they want to talk to me. It’s one thing if they message me first, another thing for me (and 50 of my friends!) to reach out to them. I sent a message to Allan outlining my views: I wrote that I am happy to speak to students, but I do not want to be one of 50 alumni sending unsolicited emails to students. But Allan’s messages continued. Thoughts? Shouldn’t this career networking guy be teaching students how to send emails to request networking? What’s my responsibility here? This seems like a horrible program, but I’m just one alum, and I’m not particularly involved in my high school. Should I contact someone above Allan?

Yes, this is a bad program. It puts too much of the onus on the people who are offering a favor and too little on the student seeking it, and it doesn’t teach those students about how networking actually works. It would be a far better program if Allan kept short professional profiles of each of you, helped students decide who they should contact, and then taught them how to do that.

But since you’ve shared your views with Allan and nothing has changed, why not just opt out of the program? You can explain why and be done with it. If you want to, you could certainly share your concerns with someone above him, but you don’t need to (unless you’re fired up about this and want to try to get it fixed).

4. Should I tell my interviewer I plan to retire in two years?

I work for an engineering company typically working on projects for various customers while working from home. The last few months I have been located at one of our customer’s sites filling in doing general support work because their engineer left the company. I was originally scheduled to be there until they hired a replacement for the engineer who left. They are having trouble finding a person to fill the position and have asked me to interview for the position and I have agreed to talk with them.

I am planning on retiring in two years. Should I reveal that to them when I interview? I am reasonably happy with my current company so I don’t need to move on but it could be a good opportunity so I am willing to at least interview. Would it be ethical to take the job and then leave after just a couple of years?

That’s not unethical. It’s super normal to leave a job after a couple of years! It would be different if you were planning on retiring in six months, but a couple of years is a reasonably solid amount of time that doesn’t require ethical qualms or disclosure in the interview. (The exception would be if it were a set of circumstances where that timeline would clearly would be an issue — like if you were interviewing to be the dean of students at a school that had had a lot of turmoil and was looking for long-term leadership stability. But that’s not this.)

5. I’m worried my manager will challenge the title on my resume

I’m preparing to leave a field I’ve been in for decades, and an organization I’ve been at for almost 10 years. Because I’m changing careers, I’m trying to highlight all of my transferable skills so they’ll be recognizable on my resume by employers in my new field.

My concern is with my current director, who is unpredictable. He’s controlling and demanding and does not like to be crossed. For three years, I served as the de facto interim assistant director of my department, under him. This was not an official position, and I did not receive any additional money or a title that reflected what I did; I simply did the job because he demanded it and it was good experience. (I stopped when they finally made this a new, official position and hired someone for it; I declined to apply.) Now, I’d like to highlight that on my resume under a subsection that calls the position what it was: interim assistant director, or something close to that. The duties for this position were so different from my regular job duties that it doesn’t really make sense to lump them together on my resume — imagine being an office manager for a construction company versus operating the bulldozer.

However, I worry that if I ever have to get a reference from this supervisor, he’ll freak out if a potential employer mentions this. I also worry, though less, that he’ll see this on my resume if he ever stalks my LinkedIn or my personal website (I wouldn’t put this past him). I wouldn’t ever go out of my way to list him as a reference, but I think it’s possible that I’ll have to give a supervisor’s name and contact information for certain jobs.

You can’t really give yourself an official job title that you didn’t have. I know that’s frustrating when your job was so different job from what your title indicates, but it’s common for reference-checkers to verify titles and if your employer (correctly!) tells them that wasn’t your title and it looks like you tried to inflate your role, it could cause a bunch of problems. You might eventually be able to straighten it out by explaining all the circumstances, but it’s not a good risk to take.

But you can still put all the work you did on your resume! You just can’t imply you held a title you didn’t actually have. But you could put all those duties under a section for that job called “team management” or something similar (so you’re describing the area of work, just not giving yourself a title) and then have bullets that explain exactly what you achieved in that area.