Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. I asked my boss for help with my workload, but she didn’t come through

First I want to thank you and the commenters for the perspective you provided. You had insightful solutions that should have helped if the problem was just the workload, but I realized in implementing them that the problem was actually the leadership.

After I wrote in I felt pretty silly about not following up more. It’s not like we hadn’t talked about it at all in 8 months, but I thought maybe I hadn’t been clear or direct enough about my problem and my needs. So I talked to my manager again and proposed just getting my work plan done first as suggested. I even offered to draft it myself and just refine it together like you suggested!

But she was trying to rebalance the workload of the team and needed to settle who would be taking some things off my plate before we could do that. She said I was doing a great job prioritizing on my own and I didn’t need to worry; I guess she thought anxiety about doing well was my main concern.

Then she recommended I forward staff to her every time they harass me about information they could easily access if they tried at all, information I already told them, or something that I’m not meant to be helping with (as if any of us know where that line is). That actually just increased the amount of communication I got because staff complained to me about their manager berating them after I forwarded their message to my manager, while still continuing the same behavior.

So she suggested we revive the weekly meeting. I explained as clearly as I could that constant updates and prioritizing this volume of work without any guidance was taking so much executive function that I had little left to do the tasks themselves. I thought that surely she could give me this very small amount of support now that she understands the problem is not just anxiety.

We never had a single one of those meetings. She re-scheduled or cancelled at the last minute every time until she quietly just cancelled the series.

I continued to do a great job but it was costing me. I was too fatigued to do anything except work, I was struggling to manage my ADHD, and I was growing bitter and resentful. So when a new role on our org’s executive team opened up, I applied. I’m now earning 20% more while working with a team that trusts, respects, and supports one another. I have more work to do but the load feels lighter because roles and expectations are clear.

I worked overtime every day for my last month in that role trying to set the department up with everything they needed and give my replacement a fighting chance. I still get multiple emails a week from my former manager and team asking how to do things I had documented and explained several times already.

In the exit interview, my manager said I did a great job of managing up. I don’t miss it.

2. Company says they’ll fly me to another state if I need an abortion (#2 at the link; first update here)

I have been waiting for SO LONG to send you this update. The last year has been brutal. If you take a look at the timing of my original email and update, you’ll notice that Partner left Big Tech Company right before the whole tech world crashed. He has been unemployed since October ’22. He applied for literally hundreds of positions. He has stellar references, friends and colleagues who referred him for dozens of jobs, and — I understand I’m his partner/biased but I’ve heard this from enough other people to think it’s accurate — he interviews very well and is quite personable. (Particularly for a scientist.)

Nothing. He heard back about a small handful of roles and mostly got ghosted partway through the recruiting process. He was rejected for roles that were far beneath his level of expertise and experience. The way the market is now would have been unthinkable two years ago.

I’ve been supporting us as a freelancer for the last year, but this month was the very last of it — all of our savings, everything I’ve earned. We also have a lot of veterinary debt from losing our beloved dog a few months ago. I honestly didn’t know what we were going to do in January…

…until yesterday, when he got a job offer from Fancy East Coast University (for remote work!). The salary is lower than his previous one, but the benefits are great and it’s enough that we’re going to be able to (slowly) rebuild after this nightmare year. Also, we definitely used AAM tips to write his successful cover letter.

We don’t regret leaving BTC for reasons that we believed in, but I can’t lie — the aftermath was a lot harder than we’d ever imagined. For anyone else who’s struggling to find something right now, I’m so sorry. It’s (almost definitely) not you, it’s the market.

Wishing everyone a better year ahead than the one we’re leaving behind.

3. Should we give extra sick days to employees who can’t work from home?

No great update here. I floated it to my boss, who presented it to the CEO and it was rejected. We still have a very low amount of sick time (5 days annually) and I’m still seeing people come to work sick. I’m hoping to bring it up again when I have more political capital to burn. We’ve had crazy high turnover, ironically among the WFH crowd, so I think they’re hesitant to make any changes that would further scare them off. I’ll keep pushing on this and other policies to create equity on the team. Thanks for your great advice.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss was pressuring them to be more “visible”? Here’s the update.

I wrote in because my big boss, Eve, wanted me to take part in a live webinar. I emailed her and explained that I did not think it was the right thing for me at the moment with my mental health. She accepted that without pushback and no more was said of it.

About a month after my letter, things deteriorated with my boss, Adam. In my monthly catchup, he complained I was not “visible” enough again. I had been coming into the office a lot that month for various meetings, so that didn’t seem justified. But he retorted that was not what he meant — but then could not really explain what he did mean.

He was then annoyed that I was not visible enough as I had been so busy working on a very complicated, important project (which was a part of my job), and so I said “What do you want me to do??” with exasperation. The temperature in the room dropped dramatically and he looked very annoyed with me. I eventually told him I felt “lost” as I was getting no direction. I bit my tongue and didn’t say that I never heard from him apart from these monthly meetings, and he was supposed to be my mentor.

After that meeting, I felt that my job was at risk. I spoke to several members of my company about how I could work better with them and increase “visibility.” This was helpful to a degree, but I knew that the situation was not sustainable. A month later, I was one of six people made redundant. I felt very relieved, to be honest. In my last meeting with Adam, he gave me lots of glowing feedback. I had not received more than two positive comments from him within the last 12 months before then, and it felt like too little too late.

In the midst of my redundancy, as it was World Mental Health Day, I chose to wrote on LinkedIn about my experience of mental health. It was the first time I’d spoken publicly about it. The senior people at my company mentioned it to me in my final meeting with praise for sharing it. I think they finally understood why I had found work difficult, and perhaps even felt guilty on reflection for pushing me so hard. Also, at the time, research came out that managers affect people’s mental health more than any other person in their life. I really think there is a responsibility for managers to remember the impact (good and bad) they can have on an individual’s well-being.

I am now at a new company where I receive huge amounts of positive feedback, and my “visibility” is never questioned. As a manager, the experience has reminded me to give regular positive feedback (even if it’s just to say thanks for all the hard work this week) and to also let my reports know that they can take sick leave for mental health without question.

I never really found out what Adam wanted from me or what “visibility” meant. I have seen my old team now producing a wave of marketing blogs, so perhaps what was needed was more fanfare and an overt display of passion for my field. It’s easy to say that in principle, but when you are already deep in your assigned work and up against office politics, it’s hard to then see how you’re supposed to find the time or drive to go above and beyond without any guidance from your — quite frankly — invisible mentor.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who dated someone who was using her to get back at his ex-wife … who turned out to be her boss? Here’s the update.

I just wanted to reflect some gratitude for your compassionate response, as well as the support from everyone in the comment section. At the time I sent this letter, this had all happened to me seven years earlier, but is still something that brings up a lot of shame and stress.

I think in part, I felt that I should have known better, and I felt stupid for not realizing that someone could have had ulterior motives for seeking me out. This prevented me from talking to people in my life about it, and on the rare occasions that I did, I was always focused on what I should have done differently and the ways that I felt I should have recognized what was going on. This is reflected by my continued ruminations for years that I had wronged my previous director by not finding a way to address the situation with her, even knowing now that this could have caused all sorts of unanticipated tumult for everyone involved.

This is all just to say that self-directed shame and stigma very commonly is a barrier when it comes to working towards a healthier relationship with oneself. As an older (thankfully married!) person now, I can definitely recognize the ways that I could have practiced more caution and discernment while dating online, but ultimately I’m working towards feeling compassion for that younger version of myself who just wanted to be chosen at a time when life was marked by insecurity, chaos and loneliness.

I made reference to this in the comments of the original article, but I’m at a place in my career now where my previous director is more of a colleague in my professional network. From the outside, she appears to be doing very well. As I’ve gotten older and moved into management roles myself, I’ve gained more perspective on all of the moving parts at play in what happened to us, and my respect for her only continues to grow.

It’s apparent to me now from information I’ve picked up over the years that the husband was struggling significantly with substance use throughout their divorce and the time I knew him. I think there’s a difference between explaining the context of one’s actions vs justifying those actions, but overall my feelings towards him now hover between sympathy and pity. I hope that he finds a place of wellness, hopefully far away from any young girls.

And yes, I’m seeing a therapist – lol

Thanks again, all, and happy new year!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer recommended someone for a job and the person proselytized to all their clients (with singing)? Here’s the update.

Thank you and the commenters for the excellent advice for what I now term “Jade’s Catastrophe, The Musical.” I guess as a reward, I have a somewhat equally weird update to offer (and good news).

I had to do A LOT of damage control (as much as I was legally allowed to do), which involved taking existing clients to lunch, sending out carefully worded notes that I was back and that in my absence someone had shared untrue information about my personal life and to please, please disregard it.

In one way Jade was helpful, her weird foray into telling people about what she believed about my sex life helped me weed out and ultimately end contracts with two male clients who decided the topic of sex was apparently okay and would not stop asking me more questions under the guise of “interest in another religion.” They were even creepier than Jade. One said he would be baptized if he got to take my virginity. This also helped me refocus my view on my field as a whole (more on that to come).

I reached out to Jade to ask if we could chat about what happened here in my country. Spot on to the commenters who guessed Germany. The rules here for my industry prohibited us from contacting certain clients after project conclusion so I wanted also to confirm she had not been keeping in contact with anyone after returning back to the States.

It was almost as if Jade was a Disney cartoon princess, (said persona would explain the singing and piano), she seemed so completely confused, shocked, and then insulted as I outlined the trouble she had left behind for both myself and the company. She said I was only upset because I was experiencing “the natural consequences” of choosing secular business practices and professional norms and conduct over her methods of “sharing the gospel.” “God cannot bless you when you don’t trust His ways in every area of your life” was her take.

I want to note here, Jade’s particular views are not held by my former religion as a whole. Interestingly, she did ask for tips on being able to get another job.

I spent some considerable time explaining that she couldn’t view every employer as if they were the church and that she would not be able to hold a job at any other company if she agreed to certain standards and then decided her ideas were better, and used religion as her backing. I told her that was blatant deception, which I think she took seriously.

When I pointed out that wearing a business skirt or slacks was more suitable for the conferences in the industry she was trying to join, which included many members of the same religion, she made it seem as if I was asking her to be “a whore of Sodom.” She indicated that her first priority was to find a husband and she didn’t believe one would want to see her wearing slacks. But one week later she was wearing jeans in a photo so I guess not being able to pay bills was making an impact.

Some commenters questioned whether my references to Jade’s looks indicated any kind of crush and reading back the letter it did come off quite odd without any context. It also made me reflect on the values of said industry where a lot of money is made from course and program sales to several other industries primarily run by older men. Therefore, much like in the old days of commercial flights, employees are definitely type-hired and the more you appealed to the customers, the more money you generated. I had consequently type-hired Jade.

“Jade’s Catastrophe” therefore turned out to be a blessing in disguise because of that reflection. I realized (not because of her values) that I had joined the field when I was very young as it was the only option for my degree in Germany. In the months since, I used Alison’s guides and not only switched companies, I was able to switch fields and am now a technical editor for a global medical publication where I am not sexualized and paid four times more.

I guess it’s about finding a balance between extremes bit I needed to see Jade’s extreme to recognize some bigoted industry standards I had normalized.

And for the extra weird: Jade wrote to me last week to ask if I could host her again while she returns to “find a husband.” She says her initial tenure here was “preparing the way for personal blessings.” Before she could hint that she needed a job, I was so happy to inform her I no longer live in the original area and am in a different industry.

The moral to this twisted, unprofessional fairytale is, as I become an ardent student of Alison’s teachings (many of which I was attempting to share with Jade), I came to realize that I had more value than my industry recognized. I also no longer feel obligated to help people who aren’t willing to help themselves.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who wanted her coworker to stop giving her “psychic messages” from dead family members? Here’s the update.

I’m the letter-writer who had a coworker who was giving unsolicited messages from dead family members and pets I’d only very recently lost.

I don’t have a very exciting update, but I guess that’s a good thing. Since I wrote in, I haven’t had any issues with Rebecca trying to send me messages from the spirit world against my will. She’s taken a step back and we’ve definitely gone back to more “work friend” stuff — like she very occasionally asks how I’m doing, and chats to me about video games she’s playing. I’m keeping my plans with friends off of public channels so she can’t insert herself into them.

This is a relief, because in my personal life, I had to have my other dog of 14 years put down last week. It wasn’t sudden and I was prepared, though of course it’s still very difficult. Rebecca hasn’t said anything to me other than offering me normal condolences.

Something I didn’t mention in my first letter is that, only two days after I tragically lost my puppy, I actually wound up finding another (of a different breed). He had already been picked out of his litter, but the woman who was supposed to take him had her horse suddenly die that morning, so she decided against it. Just an awful weekend for pets. Though of course I wasn’t at all trying to “replace” the dog I lost, having this little guy has been such a comfort for all I’ve been going through, especially after losing my other dog. We’re both doing great, and it seems life is finally calming down.

I know I posted in the comments of my original letter, but I want to just give another thank you to everyone for the support and kind words. I really do love the AAM community. I attached a pic of my puppy Sammie for everyone’s enjoyment, if that’s allowed! 

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer asking whether, when her boss wants her to do something she really doesn’t want to do, can she just … not? Here’s the update.

First of all: thank you for answering my question! Most of your points were something that really felt reaffirming in a way. I felt like you saw the actual issue behind this one rescheduling, even without all the background context, and why I was even thinking this way. That was perhaps more empowering than anything else. I think this was one of those situations where you can’t find the words to say something that feels difficult – and then you complain to a friend about it and they immediately suggest something really clear and concise. This was definitely one of those situations for me and you, Alison, were very much a friend in need! Someone in the comments said that maybe I needed more of a chance to vent than to actually ask a question, and I think they were absolutely right. I also really appreciated the commiseration and advice from other people with similar jobs!

When I wrote to you I was already tired, stressed and frustrated. Although I usually handle my hectic work days pretty okay (and most of the time even thrive on facing unexpected daily challenges and sudden changes – I think any other job would feel really boring after this one!) this time it all just felt so pointless and hit hard. I should be doing so many other important things. And for some reason, it just felt so difficult to send those couple of quick emails as usual and continue with other tasks, and instead, I got stuck. And finally wrote to you. I think it was one of those situations where you just wish you could act instinctively, say or do exactly what you think, no matter how unprofessional or just plain destructive to your professional image or personal relationships. Luckily we don’t usually act upon those urges. Well, most of us don’t – I’ve read enough of this blog to know better! I think I wasn’t really asking if I should (or could) lie to my boss by omission or otherwise, I was asking how to handle the conflicting rationales in this chaos that is my job. Sometimes my boss makes decisions that feel counterintuitive to me doing my job as well as possible, which is making her daily life go smoothly and efficiently. My being good at my job means that I know everything and am constantly up-to-date about everything, ready to brief her on all subjects and present options for her to decide upon – and more to complicate this issue I’m also expected to make judgment calls on decisions. At the same time I need to remember that I actually do NOT always know everything and that in the end, it’s her job to make all these final decisions and assume responsibility for those in front of our staff and the public. I can present my information and voice my opinions, disagree and debate, but that’s where my responsibility ends, and her decisions do not indeed reflect on me personally. Sometimes you just forget when there’s not a lot of time to step back and reflect.

As someone guessed in the comments: my job is definitely not entry-level and although a big part of my day is spent wrangling her impossible calendar, I also act as her political aide: someone she discusses and debates strategies and solutions with, someone who attends important meetings with her as an active participant and not just a note keeper, someone who researches and writes her speeches and statements as well as many, many other things. It was almost strange to read many of the comments saying that I should reconsider my suitability for this work because of this issue and that perhaps I’m not cut out to be in this job. Someone even said that a good executive assistant would not feel this way. I sort of get it: this is a part of my job that I sometimes just need to deal with. But at the same time: it’s only a part of it all. I reschedule meetings all the time without any issues. It’s the circumstances that sometimes make it more unpleasant, and this time it just was the last straw during a difficult day. The thing is: I don’t think many people have jobs where there are no unpleasant tasks or, well, even an occasional unpleasant day or two… even when they really, really love what they do and do it well.

Someone also said that our work seems to compare to civil servants with high burnout rates working in Private Office in the UK, and yep, that definitely sounds familiar, although probably with a lot smaller budget, if you can believe it :) One commenter (“Baffled”) was also pretty close in explaining the scope of my work much better than I was: it’s a lot more than calendars and emails: “At this level, assistants like LW are helping shape strategy, providing insight into employee environments, executing projects and initiatives, coordinating campaigns, planning some events, and EVERYTHING else.” Our organization deals with issues in all areas of our society and I need to be able to quickly work on issues concerning all and any of them. For example: sometimes we find out in the morning that she needs to present tomorrow on the topic of llama feeding regulations and legislations, and so I have to spend the day first researching on what DO they actually feed the llamas with and who regulates that and what are our issues with it – and then writing a 20 minute speech for her in layman terms. While she’s presenting, I’m already doing something completely different, like drafting a press statement on our work with ethical guidelines for local candlemakers while trying to wrangle six different full calendars in different time zones to schedule a meeting on how to respond to local UFO sightings – and then suddenly something incredibly important comes up and I need to both clear the calendar for the next three days and start rescheduling everything as well as start preparing for the newest thing, all the while trying to find time to take care of that UFO sighting meeting and the deadline for the ethical candles is nearing in.

We have a great staff and I have many amazing coworkers I work closely with, but my line position is still pretty unique. We are also underbudgeted and overworked and that’s completely out of our hands. My boss is not the best at remembering that although we’re pretty damn capable, we’re not machines and many of our staff are crumbling under pressure as it is. It was made clear to me right from the start that she needed me to tell her when I disagreed with her, to act as her moral backbone of sorts when she got sidelined in the middle of all this chaos. With my role in between, I need to be really careful about what to say and to whom and therefore I can’t really vent with anyone or ask anyone’s opinions on what the boss would like to do. It’s the other way around: others come to me with these questions. (Sometimes I’m able to tell them her line of thinking or how she wants things to be done. Often I either direct them to ask her or ask on their behalf. I really don’t have a habit of deciding for her unless she particularly asks me to!)

FINALLY, for the actual update on how it all went down. I want to clarify that, as usual, I definitely briefed her right from the start on all the relevant context, including how annoyed the organisers were before, as they were much more annoyed than people usually are in these situations. We are reliant on our image and co-operation with these people and every other group we deal with, even when they and a meeting with them are not as important as the thing that forces us to reschedule.

But yeah, I did what I had to do and politely emailed the organisers once again and explained the situation. They responded somewhat nicely (so I think the very polite script helped!) and suggested some alternatives on how to proceed, although none of them would be very easy to arrange for different reasons. In between I had to communicate with our own staff on our options based on their knowledge of the subject and also their schedules. After gathering all the relevant information I went back to my boss to brief her of the situation and our options and to ask how to proceed. And…. after I first reminded her again what this meeting was even about to begin with, she was surprised to hear that this was still an ongoing issue, as she had assumed that we would just meet without her. “Oh, I thought we weren’t trying to reschedule? Didn’t you say this was really difficult to schedule in the first place, or was it some other meeting we were talking about back then?”

Yeah, so. This is what I meant by saying she wouldn’t likely remember… and this is why these situations sometimes are so frustrating to deal with. I could have used this time making sense of those pesky llama feeding regulations and how on earth I should go explaining their issues to the public, and now I have a little less time left to arrange that time-critical UFO meeting. And despite all this: I really, really love my job as well as (most of the time :) ) working with my boss, whom I respect a lot. I mean, where else would I learn about all the intricacies and issues with llama feeding regulations? And who knows what the subject is tomorrow! I at least have no idea.