Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. New hire is treating me like I’m brand new

I am a college professor. I teach a variety of courses, but there’s one that I have every semester. I get great evaluations from students every semester and I have a proven track record of success in this class.

This semester we have a new colleague who is teaching a section of this same course for the first time. I received an invite to meet with her and assumed she wanted some help or advice about the class, so I accepted. The next day, I got an email from her saying that she has the whole course planned out for me, “but we don’t have do it exactly the same.” Basically, she has taken ownership of the class and for some reason it seems like she’s decided that she is in charge of me and how I teach it. She also advised me that I should keep track of the students’ assignments, and that it’s a good idea to try and learn the students’ names, among several other pieces of absurdly obvious advice. I have taught this class six times in the last two years, so I’m not sure where she’s coming from.

So I wonder, how can I address this in a collegial manner, rather than saying the first words that came into my head, which are not at all professional? My boss is notoriously flaky and unsupportive, so I don’t intend to escalate this, my main thought is to just shut her down as politely as possible.

The subject line of your email to me was “I work with Leslie Knope” and … yes, you do.

The easiest way to shut this down is, “I’ve been teaching this class every semester so I have my own course plans that I’ve spent a lot of time developing over the last few years. Let me know if you want advice on anything; I’m happy to offer guidance if you want it.” That doesn’t touch on how ridiculous she’s being (reminding you to learn students’ names?!) but it pretty definitively lays out that you’ve got it covered and you’re not the one coming in new.

If she keeps it up after that, you might need a more explicit conversation along the lines of “Some of the advice you’re giving me is really remedial; has there been a miscommunication somewhere about my experience or the job we’re each doing?” But wait and see if the first conversation fixes it; she might have just gotten carried away with the Leslie Knope of it all and will pick up the hint.

2. Overwhelmed by stress in my first post-college job

I’m a recent college grad in my first full-time position. I’ve worked a variety of jobs throughout college to earn income, but they’ve all been either part-time or temporary in whatever field would pay the bills.

I’ve had this job for six months, and while it is a pretty low-level admin position (which is not completely my preference), it’s finally in the field I want to work in and that I studied for! I’ve never minded doing admin work and the company I’m working for is a huge stepping stone to all sorts of other positions in the field.

What I’m finding, though, is that I have been completely overwhelmed by stress from the job — whether it’s minor mistakes I’ve made in the process of learning, things that need to be done, or just if I’m doing enough. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll have nightmares about it and then promptly wake up and worry until my alarm goes off. Again, this is an admin position with low-level responsibilities where I work 40 hours a week, no one is expecting me to be on call or solve major issues, and even in the field as a whole, it’s pretty low-stress.

I am seeing a counselor for this, since I recognize it isn’t normal to be waking up in the middle of the night from this, but I’m also concerned about its relation to my career. I’ve had trouble like this with previous jobs, but since they were either part-time or temporary, the stress was lesser and I was usually able to write it off. I know your readers have made suggestions in the past for avoiding taking work stress home with them. These are great and I’ve been utilizing them, but I think what I’m hung up on is that I can’t imagine ever advancing in my career if such a low-stress administrative position gives me such overwhelming anxiety even when I’m not there. Is this something that new grads just have to get through (to a point — again, I know a level of this is above and beyond) or is this an indication that I won’t ever be ready to advance in my career?

Neither! What you describe isn’t typical, but it’s also not an indication you’ll never be able to advance. It’s an indication that you need some help sorting through what’s going on, which you’re getting. Especially if you have anxiety symptoms in other areas of your life, this could be clinical-level anxiety that’s latched on to work as an outlet (which is something a good therapist should be able to help with), but there are other therapy-relevant things that could be causing it too (like growing up in a hypercritical family, or one where small mistakes were punished disproportionately, or where you carried too much responsibility at a young age, making you feel like the stakes for messing up were very high, and on and on). Therapy is exactly the place to figure out what’s going on and to solve it, so you’re already where you need to be! (But if you don’t feel like you’re making progress after a reasonable amount of time, talk to your therapist about that too, since you might need something different from those sessions or a different treatment modality altogether.)

3. Management rejects my ideas, then proposes the same thing

I am the lead on a project at work. When I present ideas in regards to the project to three specific managers, they often reject my ideas. But then they provide a “solution” which is exactly what I had just suggested. It’s driving me wild. It’s really gnawing at me and I’m feeling stupid. I even intentionally ask “anything I can clarify?” before the rejection. I’ve never had this happen and for these three people to keep doing this is just blowing my mind. Is there anything I can do?

Some additional background: I’m a woman. The three people are the VP of our department (female), my manager (male), and a manager (male) I dotted-line report to.

Approaches I’ve taken: I used to explain things verbally. But perhaps I talked fast? So I slowed it down and presented things in simple terms. That didn’t help. I now present things with some sort of printed out aid, such as a slide or a graphic, to help drive my point across. I have only a few times replied, “Yes, just like I was saying…” and then elaborate. But that hasn’t much of a difference. I feel stupid, and honestly, it’s been a hit to my self-esteem.

It’s a known thing that sometimes happens to women, but it’s also a known thing that sometimes happens when dealing with people who don’t listen fully or aren’t great communicators themselves. To be thorough, I should note that it’s possible you’re not being as clear in presenting your ideas as you think, so if anyone else is in those meetings you could ask them for feedback about that. But otherwise, can you ask others if anything similar happens to them with this group? Maybe you’ll find out they do it to a lot of people and then you’ll know it’s about them, not you.

But also, do you have the kind of rapport with your boss where you could ask him about it directly? For example: “I wanted to get your feedback on something. I’ve noticed that I’ll sometimes present an idea to you, Fred, and Jane and the three of you say no to it, but then suggest a solution that’s the same as what I’d initially proposed. For example, it happened recently with X and Y. I’m wondering if I’m not being clear enough when I make the initial suggestion, or what you think might be going on.” If he’s stumped or says he doesn’t see it, ask if you can check back with him again right after the next time it happens so that you both have a clear and immediate example to look at.

One other thought: The next time it happens, try saying, “Yes! That’s exactly what I was proposing!” and see what happens. (Say that in a way that sounds enthusiastic, not irritated.)

Related:
my coworker rejects any ideas that aren’t her own, then suggests them herself

4. Should I tell a former employee that I got called as a reference?

Last year was my first time as a manager. It was on a grant-funded project that had limited-term appointments for several employees that terminated when the funding ran out. My whole staff was fantastic and I’ve been doing my best to support all of them on their job searches, and I’ve offered to serve as a reference.

One of my former employees has contacted me several times to let me know she’s applied to certain positions and put me down as a reference. I just got my first ever reference call for this employee and gave what I believe was a glowing reference. (I did also talk honestly about areas where she needed extra support, but I got to say how receptive this employee was to feedback and how much she grew, so I feel good about it!)

My instinct after I got off the phone was to email her to tell her she made it to the reference stage and I gave her a glowing recommendation, but I wasn’t sure if I should. The hiring manager told me that they’re between this former employee and one other candidate. So while I want to tell my employee that she’s advanced in the process and I’m hoping my reference will support her candidacy, I’d also feel like I’d need to temper her expectations and tell her they’re still considering other candidates.

This candidate is someone who I know has anxiety. As someone who also has anxiety, I know that I would love hearing I got to the reference phase and it would be soothing to hear my former manager tell me they gave a positive reference. But I’m afraid I’ll just set her up for disappointment if she doesn’t get it. Since I haven’t been called before now, I assume she hasn’t made it past the intial interview for the other positions she’s applied for. So I really don’t want to get her hopes up. That said, I also want her to know she’s advanced so she can celebrate that accomplishment, and I want her to tell me whether or not she gets the job! I’m afraid she won’t follow up if she doesn’t get it unless she knows she’s made it past the initial stage. So, is it cruel to tell her she’s made it to the reference stage? Or would it be encouraging? Am I overthinking this?

You are overthinking it! I always send a quick email to people I’ve just given a reference for, to let them know that I talked to the employer (and will add that I gave them a glowing reference, assuming that I did) — but that’s just about keeping in the loop about something that’s about them. I think you’re overstepping because you’re getting too invested in managing her emotions for her. Just give her the information, and trust her to handle it like the adult she is.

I would also mention that the person you spoke with said they are choosing between her and one other person — because that’s also relevant to her and it wasn’t said in confidence.

But don’t have any expectations about her updating you about whether she gets the job or not. She probably will tell you if she does, but she shouldn’t need to follow up with you if she doesn’t. She might choose to, but a lot of people hate giving those updates, so it’s better to train yourself not to expect it.

5. Can I put a job I haven’t started yet on my resume?

I am a senior in college, but I haven’t gotten much experience in my field yet and am applying to jobs for after I graduate. In two weeks, I am starting an internship that will run for one semester, so it will be completed prior to when I start the job. It is very relevant to the role I am applying to, but the semester starts two days after applications are due. I have a meeting to discuss what I will be working on before the semester starts, but I don’t know if I’ll do any actual work. Can I put that internship on my resume, even though it hasn’t started?

Yes, as long as the dates make that clear. For example:

Oats Incorporated, Porridge Intern (January 22, 2024 – May 15, 2024)

Ideally you’d add one bullet point about what you expect to do in the internship, but if you really have no idea, it’s fine to skip that and just list the company/title/dates.

(Also, normally just listing months/years is fine. In this case I listed specific dates to make it super clear you haven’t started yet, but really you’d be fine just listing January – May 2024, especially since by the time they’re interviewing you, you will have started.)

Read an update to this letter. 

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss said she doesn’t trust people who read documents before signing them

At a previous position, I offended my supervisor by actually reading the many office policies I was given to sign. I don’t like signing documents without reading them and assumed that it was important for me to know the policies so that I could follow them, so I read everything thoroughly and probably asked a couple of clarifying questions.

Much later, my boss revealed that she believed one should sign these documents without reading them as a demonstration of trust in your employer, and that she doesn’t trust anyone who does read these documents because she assumes you are trying to figure out what you can get away with. I was so confused by her reaction, because it was clear these were sincerely held beliefs by this supervisor but seemed so completely divorced from reality that I couldn’t really respond at all.

How could I have responded to her beyond staring in utter confusion? Or respond if someone ever raised that concern in the moment when I’m presented with the policy documents, instead of bringing it up a year later as evidence that I’m plotting against them? (It was a very toxic workplace.)

What on earth?! Does she sign contracts with vendors without reading them too, or is it only your employer you’re supposed to place blind trust in? Moreover, since these were policies you were agreeing to follow, how did she think you’d be able to follow them if you didn’t read the documents to find out what they were? Your supervisor was out of her gourd, and I’m betting this wasn’t the only problem.

As far what to say in the moment, one option was, “It’s been drilled into me never to sign anything without reading it. My lawyer would kill me.” Another: “I don’t even sign anything my spouse gives me without reading it, and I trust him completely.” Another: “I’m reading them so I know what policies to follow; otherwise, how would I make sure I was complying?”

2. My employer is revoking work-from-home but I live 300 miles away

Three years ago, I was hired to work remotely for a midsize nonprofit in another state. Recently, the powers-that-be at this organization have decided to limit remote work to one day a week maximum.

I know that historically the organization has disliked remote work (to the extent that you couldn’t work from home even once in a blue moon, like if your kid was home sick — you just had to use a sick day, even if your job could be done just fine 100% remotely). Obviously, they had to ease up on that when the pandemic hit, and I was hired during that period of time. They hired me knowing I live 300 miles away and have no intention to relocate.

It’s literally impossible for me to comply with the new limit — not just a matter of an annoyingly long commute, but physically impossible within the bounds of physical time. Relocating to be in compliance is not an option — I live in another state and my husband has a state-specific business license here, and frankly my compensation is nowhere near the level it would require to motivate us to make such a major life change.

If they go through with the rollback of the WFH policy, does that count as them letting me go? Or will I technically have to resign/quit?

(If it matters for context: it’s not that they’re trying to intentionally force me out; I’m a top performer and my direct supervisor has said that if I can’t be an employee anymore she’ll just contract with me, which is a nice endorsement of my skills, but I prefer the stability of being an employee. They just seriously have a very old-fashioned view of remote vs. in-person work.)

Before you assume anything, ask directly! Start with your boss, who should find out the answer for you if she doesn’t know herself, but if she’s not doing that then ask HR. Say this: “I would comply with the change if I could, but I was hired already working 300 miles away and relocating isn’t an option for me. Since I can’t commute daily from this distance, what does this mean for my job here?”

Some orgs doing this will make exceptions for people who obviously can’t come in because of distance. Others won’t. But there’s enough of a chance they will that you should start by asking what their plan is. If they give you a non-answer like “there are no exceptions to the new policy,” then you should say, “So given that I’m too far away to comply, what does that mean for my job? Are you letting me go and, if so, what will my last day be?”

Technically this should be considered something like a layoff (and you’re likely to be eligible for unemployment too), but you might have to nudge them to spell it out.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. My drunken boss tried to kiss me but it’s been handled — what do I say to coworkers?

My question is mostly about how to return to normal after something unsettling at work. My boss is/has been a functioning alcoholic, which came to a head at the Christmas party when whilst smashed he tried to kiss me, I freaked out, and he got chucked out by security for being too drunk to stand up unaided. HR has actually been incredibly good about it, and it’s all been dealt with sensitively and incredibly well, but do you have any suggestions for a script for how to get back to normal now we’re broadly over and done with the admin of it?

Honestly, I don’t even feel that angry at him anymore, mostly because I think of Drunk Boss and Sober Boss as being different men, and he immediately agreed to my resolutions which were an apology and a commitment to get himself into AA or similar.

Obviously people are allowed to have their own feelings about his behavior, but I just need a good script for “Yeah I know, but I accepted his apology and I’d rather not dwell on it, let’s just move on.”

This is for when others are bringing it up with you? If so, your language here works fine! But another way to say it would be, “Yes, but it’s been handled, and I’d rather not rehash it and just want to move forward.”

4. Can I skip recurring meetings that aren’t that useful?

What’s the protocol for attending recurring meetings that take place every other month or so? These meetings aren’t at all mission critical to my work, nor are any specific directives provided. Rather, they’re an opportunity for people in our (very large) organization to come together and talk shop, share insight on projects they’re working on, crowdsource ideas, troubleshoot questions, etc.

Generally speaking, it’s nice to see people I don’t typically work with. But I’ve never left these meetings thinking, “Wow! That was a game-changer.” To be honest, I find them to be somewhat of a chore and they can feel like a waste of time.

My manager has never come down and said these meetings are mandatory, but we’re generally expected to attend. And most of the time, it’s not an issue. I get that it’s polite to show up and put in an effort, but there are times when I have a meeting conflict or I’m in the zone with work and don’t want to stop, etc.

Is that permissible enough reason to skip if I’d like to or is this one of those things where I just need to bite the bullet and go?

It depends on your organizational culture. In some orgs, it would completely fine and unremarkable to skip the meetings when you had a conflict or a deadline you needed to focus on. In others, it would be frowned upon. One way to figure it out is to look at what other people at your level do, but you can also just ask your manager. Don’t ask “can I quit attending these completely?” but ask if it’s okay to skip it when you have a conflict or time-sensitive work to get done.

5. How do I manage an employee who doesn’t want to move up?

I have an odd question in that everything is going great, and I’m wondering if being a good manager means disrupting that. I recently began managing an employee who is fantastic at his job. He also seems perfectly content in it — i.e., he’s had the same title and responsibilities for several years and has displayed neither interest nor action in pursuing anything different. But I’ve always thought part of being a good manager was helping your employees grow and develop beyond their current roles. Does that apply when your employee is perfectly good at their job and perfectly happy to be doing it, even after several years? If not, what are some ways I can be a good manager to this employee? For the record, I’m aware this is not a terrible problem to have!

Part of being a good manager is helping your employees grow and develop beyond their current roles when they want that. Not everyone does! Some people are content remaining where they are and don’t have any interest in moving up or taking on new responsibilities, and managers should respect that. (At least, assuming it aligns with the organization’s needs. There are cases where you might need the role itself to evolve, and it’s reasonable to say you need someone in the job who’s willing to do that — but that doesn’t sound like the case here.) So the way to be a good manager to this person is to appreciate that you have someone who’s great at his job who doesn’t want to leave (a benefit for you!) and ask him what he needs to remain happy and engaged. The answer might be, “Don’t change anything; I find meaning and challenge from other parts of my life, and this job supports that.” Or who knows, maybe he’ll have other ideas. But take your cues from him.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should management be included in a company raffle?

Our company has about 90 full-time employees in production, shipping, and other non-management roles, plus about 15 temps. Management includes another 25 people, including product managers, who don’t manage people.

Our holiday party this year included a raffle with some rather generous items: a couple of large TVs, a mini fridge, etc. There were also a few less expensive things like bath and body gift sets.

Out of the 35 or so items, four of them, including one TV and the mini fridge, went to managers. Another couple went to temps who have only been with us for a week or two. Everyone received a grocery gift card for $50, regardless of if they won a prize.

It feels off to me that managers were included in the raffle, especially with them walking off with some of the better, more expensive prizes. I didn’t say anything about it, but there was definitely some grumbling after lunch. Should management be included in something like this? No, I didn’t win anything, and I don’t think it was rigged. LOL

Yeah, it’s a bad look for big prizes to go to management! High-level managers’ names really shouldn’t be included in raffles at all — but if they are and a top-level manager wins a big-ticket item, they should decline so another name can be drawn. (That wouldn’t normally include product managers who don’t manage people; we’re talking high-level execs here.)

Related:
HR rigged our company raffle

2. Why is my corporate credit card affecting my personal credit?

I am the administrator of a veterinary clinic, and I have been added as the authorized user of one of our business credit cards so I can easily purchase what we need. I’ve never had a business card before, and I was under the impression that since it was a business card, it would not affect my personal credit score like a personal credit card would, as I’m not the one paying it off.

Now in the last few months, we’ve been carrying pretty high balances on all our business cards, including the one that I have. As one of the perks of my own personal credit card, I can monitor my credit score without requesting reports all the time. My credit score has dropped almost 100 points since being added as a user for the business card!

This worries me because I’m younger without a lot of credit history of my own. I was an authorized user on my mother’s card, and have a personal credit card of my own now. I also had student loan debt, which I managed to pay off entirely about a month ago. That didn’t even have an effect with how much the score has dropped, due to business activity.

I’m not the one controlling our payments, and I have no sway to increase our payments and lower the amount of debt that the business carries on these cards. Is there anything I can do to reduce the impact that business activity will have on my personal credit score, other than being removed as an authorized user? Is this common in smaller businesses, to use cards that will affect their employee’s credit score? What’s the etiquette for this situation?

You wouldn’t think being an authorized user on a corporate card could affect your personal credit because you’re not the guarantor (the person promising to pay the balance if the primary cardholder defaults) — but as you’re seeing, it can. Although you’re not personally liable for making payments on the card, the card’s usage will sometimes still get factored into your own credit. The big way that happens is around credit utilization; if your employer is carrying a large balance, that can ding your personal score. If they miss payments, most credit reporting agencies say they won’t include that on authorized users’ credit reports (although some even do that!)— but that credit utilization figure can get factored into your score.

That’s all controlled by the credit bureaus themselves, rather than being the way your company chose to set it up (assuming you are indeed just an authorized user and not the account holder).

If you’re thinking this is nonsensical and unfair … yes. One option is to have yourself removed as an authorized user and agree on another way to handle work-related payments, but how feasible that is will vary from job to job.

3. Can I play NSFW music on a work laptop?

My company is fully remote and I work from home. When I’m working on boring tasks, it helps me stay focused if I put on uptempo pop music in the background. I use Spotify for this — I have the Spotify app downloaded onto my work laptop. Uptempo pop is often NSFW (swearing, sexual lyrics, etc.). My work laptop is company-provided and doesn’t currently have software to track my activity, but will soon. When that happens, should I stop playing pop music on my work laptop? My phone and personal computer also have Spotify, but I try to keep them out of sight while working to avoid distraction. Spotify does not have an option to filter/only play clean songs.

You should be fine. If your company objects to you using Spotify from a work computer, they can tell you that (and that would likely just be a simple notification to stop, not something you’d be in any real trouble for, assuming you don’t have an existing policy against downloading non-work apps). If they’re fine with Spotify in general, it’s highly unlikely that they’ll pay attention to the specific songs you’re listening to at home, let alone object to them.

4. When to give notice when my new job doesn’t have a firm start date

I’ve been offered a job with a new company that I’m going to accept. The issue is that the offer did not come with a start date. The start date will likely be 3-4 weeks from now, so plenty of time to give proper notice.

Should I give notice to my current employer now so they have time to start making adjustments, or should I wait until I have a firm start date?

Wait until you have a firm start date! Until that happens, there’s too much risk that it’ll get pushed back for some reason, and the offer isn’t 100% firm until there’s a start date attached.

If you still don’t have a start date a week or so from now, let the hiring company know you’re waiting to give notice until you have one, and that you’ll need X weeks once the date is finalized so that you can give enough notice. (In other words, they can’t wait three weeks to come back with a proposed date and expect it be the following Monday.)

5. Crossing the line in Love Actually

I know that you occasionally answer questions related to movie or TV tie-ins, so I thought I would ask you to weigh in on a discussion my husband and I recently had while watching “Love Actually.” The debate was about where exactly Alan Rickman’s character crossed the line with his admin assistant.

We quickly got into the weeds of debating whether the line was in a different place cheating-wise versus work-wise, but this led me to another question, which is: we all know that he should not have done what he did, but what should he have done? Ignored her flirtation? Shut her down? Had a very serious talk about her behavior that could potentially lead to firing her? (And if he did, should he have met with her in private with a door closed, or kept the door open, potentially allowing other employees like Karl to listen in on a disciplinary meeting?) Does he need to think about the optics of possibly firing a direct report who was openly flirting with him in front of other employees?

I tend to think he could have shut her down without a big awkward conversation, just by having better boundaries and pointedly keeping their conversations business-only. For example, when she made that suggestive comment about how at their office party she’d be hanging around the mistletoe, waiting to be kissed, he shouldn’t have gulped and looked uncomfortable, but should have more decisively shut it down — like by saying something like “hopefully not by a colleague!” and then turning away. Instead, he let himself seem intrigued.

There’s a ton you can signal — and shut down — just through your demeanor, particularly when you’re in a position of power (as he was, as her boss). Not always — some people will barrel right through those signals — but often. If that didn’t work, he might have needed to move to a more direct “we don’t have that kind of relationship and this is inappropriate” conversation, but I suspect he wouldn’t have needed to if he had handled it better from the beginning.