Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. How can I take time off when my team needs it more?

Last year, you answered my letter about my direct report taking time off that I intended to take off as well as how I managed vacation time more broadly. I don’t think your readers will be overly thrilled with me but I made progress.

First of all, last year’s problem solved itself when I became so sick over the holidays that I couldn’t get out of bed on Christmas or three days after it, let alone do any work. So I did end up taking that time off and one of my team members volunteered to be a emergency point of contact. It worked well (other than the part where I missed my aunt’s amazing cooking).

Going into this year, I did come up with a system for the team but I didn’t have to implement it as one of my employees took an extended trip in the middle of the year with the intention of working over the holiday. So there is a system (based on a mix of first come, first serve as well as “who worked last year”) but it hasn’t been tested yet.

And for me personally … this is where you all will be disappointed. I did not take all my vacation time this year. It just wasn’t achievable given some projects that came up. However, I did take a real vacation with my family for a week. And I didn’t work during it!

I took a day off to do nothing for my birthday (which to be honest, I did not love). But the most important thing is… I am president of a volunteer group and on the board of another. I actually took the day off before both group’s individual biggest annual fundraisers this year. Typically, I saw I am taking those days off but end up taking a couple of meetings anyway and then I’m running myself even more ragged to prepare for the events. But this year, I didn’t take any meetings. Not even when I was in the car running errands for an hour and easily could have!

I already have a week scheduled off for a vacation next year so I am trying but it’s a process.

Thanks again to everyone for making me see that proactivity was the better way to manage this!

2. I feel snubbed at work — should I quit? (#4 at the link)

When I wrote AAM asking for advice on this, I was surprised at the internal switch I made solely from changing my mental perspective. You wrote back challenging my surface concerns, which seemed childish, and prompted a more holistic study of the situation.

There are, as you and some of your readers suggested, deeper issues at play and several intangible things I didn’t mention … like I get to work with my beloved husband in the same office daily. Win! I have forged good relationships with a lot of the folks. Win! I feel I’m on the verge of a professional uptick at this company … potential win!

The bottom line is I did listen to your advice and decided to hold on one more year, to closely study the vibes and see what I feel during the next annual gathering in January ’24. If I still feel snubbed and haven’t received a good raise I will be moving on.

P.S. The woman who got all the attention despite not doing shit got fired six months ago.

3. My company decided to close for 2 weeks last year — and charged me a chunk of this year’s PTO for it

I appreciated my question being answered. The feedback I received really validated how I was feeling and solidified my decision to leave.

The update is that I found a new job and have been happily working there now for three months. The company culture is a lot better, I got a raise, and my new job has an unlimited PTO policy so I don’t have to worry about a similar situation occurring in the future. The timing also worked out perfectly and I was able to use the week between jobs as a vacation with my family that I otherwise would have had to work through.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My bosses praise me so much that it’s embarrassing

It meant a lot to me that you took my question seriously. When I have talked about this with my friends, I have gotten a lot of “oh poor baby, are people too nice to you” type responses. Which was understandable but not helpful!

Not long after I wrote to you, a new manager role was created in between the director and the team and given to me. It changed the dynamic a lot. I still hear nice things from him in private, so I know my boss isn’t unhappy with me but now the public message is more simply “she manages the team” rather than “she is our rockstar analyst blah blah blah.”

As the new manager of the team, I try to say nice things about everyone as much as possible, both individually and collectively. I am also working on qualifying some of the juniors for title bumps and raises because a raise is the best praise. It’s not hard to be positive — they are a great team and always were.

In terms of pushback on ideas, the problem is now getting people to push back on their manager’s ideas, which didn’t exactly make that problem go away. I have found asking them to work together to identify problems in a document without me in the room gets good results. I suspect not having to take individual ownership of their pushback or do it to my face makes it easier to be more pointed.

I would like to build the kind of trust with the team that would let them feel they can those things to me directly — both because hashing ideas out in conversation makes them stronger more quickly than sending comments back and forth in Word and because knowing when and how to push back against people above you is a vital skill in our work. I get invited to more higher level meetings in my new role and see this happening at every level of our organization. We will all need to get better at giving and receiving that kind of pushback if we are going to advance.

2. My manager told me that my coworker’s sexism is something I should work out with him on my own (#2 at the link)

I wrote in after I had already talked to my then-manager. I didn’t go to HR because our HR department is known in general for making things much worse, and has proven themselves to be especially awful around equity issues. We lost an amazing employee who told me she left in large part because of my coworker’s sexism, and her replacement has apparently also expressed a lot of dismay about working for him, though I’m not sure if she sees his behavior as gender-based. Neither of them has given me permission to bring their concerns forward in any official capacity (and I’m not sure anyone would care about someone who’s already left).

I’ve since had a lateral transfer to a role where I have more direct involvement with workplace equity issues, and I’m hearing more reports of people experiencing racism or homophobia and basically being told to work it out or having it treated as an interpersonal issue rather than one of systemic bias that’s illegal in the workplace. My attempts to help people, especially other managers, understand how this is a legal liability issue and not just an interpersonal one have failed so far, so I’m working on some longer-term deeper solutions for organizational culture change, including coalition building so that people can’t write me off as easily, as well as plotting how I can push this particular issue in ways that aren’t going to further burden people with marginalized identities.

It’s hard and it’s frustrating. I’m trying to find ways to do this work without burning out, because I feel responsible to people with less power in the organization, and our clients, who are getting hurt more than I am. But I’m also getting hurt by it (I’ve also been hit heavily by ableism and other illegal harassment here previously). I’m just trying to keep using my organizational power to change things.

3. Should I say I’m leaving because of my horrible coworker? (#2 at the link)

Thank you very much for your response, and all the thoughts in the comments. The advice was genuinely useful.

I did end up getting a new job (although it was neither of the two jobs that I was interviewing for when I wrote in) and so had an opportunity to give an exit interview and give feedback on the situation that was making me leave.

However, the exit interview was on the last day of a two-month notice, so I had many, many days to contemplate exactly what I was going to say. If I’m honest, there were some days where I planned to go scorched earth on the questions and make it very personal and very satisfying in a Hollywood way.

But cooler heads prevailed, and by the time I was filling in exit interview questions, I was able to think rationally and follow your advice. I was honest and I was detailed about the issues at the company. However, I took time to remove the emotion from anything I was saying, and made sure to back everything I said up with examples. I wrote a lot.

The actual in-person interview ended up being very cathartic. The HR representative was grateful for the detail I went into, and she acknowledged that she saw many of the same issues too. I was a little emotional in that meeting but it was (genuine) sadness, rather than anger, and I think that it underscored I was sad to be leaving a job that I’d spent almost a decade at.

Many of the commenters helped me acknowledge that Beth wasn’t the sole problem at the company. She was, ultimately, taking advantage of wider issues. My final two months were very eye-opening on this, and I felt like I saw things clearly for the first time.

I think my manager did too. I think he understood, too late, the amount of work that I was doing behind the scenes to keep things running. When all my potential replacements were asking for 50% more salary than I was being paid, he apologized for not taking me seriously when I had approached him about how underpaid I was compared to the market rate. I’m not sure he fully understands all the issues at the company, but I think he understands more of them now.

I am a few weeks into a new role at a new company, and it’s going great. It’s been eight years since I’ve been a new starter, so that’s a nice change of pace. It’s a step back career and salary-wise, but I feel genuinely supported and have bosses and grand-bosses that are keen to advance me quickly.

Thank you for your advice, and thank you to all the commenters that weighed in!

4. The CEO makes us rank our personal lives at team meetings

I am still at this same job, but I’ve taken the approach of always ranking my personal life a 7 and saying I need a vacation. This seems to appease my boss and stop any further probing.

As the year has gone on, my boss continues to insert herself into people’s lives. A family member passed away recently and we had an hour and 45 minute heart-to-heart about it where she asked many personal questions, shared way more than I ever wanted to know about the deaths of her loved ones, and told me she had a dream I was deeply unhappy at her company. After I reassured her, she did give me a raise so I will accept the nonsense for a little while longer and continue my job search.

 

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Our HR director issued an “it’s him or me” ultimatum

Toby was not fired, and Michael did speak with Pam, leading to her coming back the next day to apologize for “trying to take over and run things her way” or something like that. Which I felt was a significant concession for her, but not enough to change my mind on her overall. Since then, the idea of letting Pam go has always been sort of in the background, as it was clear that Michael wasn’t happy with her.

Immediately after this event, Michael told Pam that she needed to hire a second HR person, which did happen, and then a few months after that Michael made a big push to really establish everyone’s role and responsibilities as an attempt at getting her less involved in things that weren’t her job. But more and more interpersonal issues kept happening which all traced back to Pam, and finally last week he told me that he couldn’t handle it anymore. The company had just presented an initiative to the floor team, essentially offering job transition assistance to anyone who didn’t like working here, as part of our efforts to streamline ahead of more projected growth. Basically, “We try to make this a good place to work, but it is never going to fit everyone and we will all be happier if we can help those who hate it here find somewhere else they don’t hate.” After presenting this, he said that he felt like it would be a very tangible show of sincerity if he asked Pam to go as well, since she was as much a bad culture fit as anyone on the floor.

Michael went through a whole process and some investigating turned up more issues with Pam’s behavior. But ultimately, he asked her to resign yesterday and she agreed. He’s offering her a very generous severance package and she’s said she’ll help us get someone new in. Aside from the small socialist voice in my head that resents the HR person getting several times more severance than the floor worker, I think it’s all turned out so much better than I feared it would. Though I suppose there’s still time for things to go sideways.

Update to the update:

I said there was still time for things to go sideways and they did. A week or two after the conversation letting her go, Michael held Pam back after a meeting to thank her for continuing to work so hard and have such a good attitude through the end of her time with us. She took the opportunity to completely lose her composure to the point of shouting. She insisted that any problems he had heard about were lies and proceeded to recount a list of all the run-ins she had had with various employees, several of which Michael hadn’t even heard about. These all being evidence of employees with grudges against her “being the enforcer around here, so of course everyone hates me.” She then started hinting at some huge secret that was a massive threat to the company and which she had been dreading telling him for weeks. He was finally able to drag it out of her: some of the employees went to each other’s homes on Friday nights after work to play video games and get drunk. She was certain this was “a massive lawsuit just waiting to happen.”

This exchange helped Michael stop feeling guilty about letting Pam go. But then, two weeks before she was due to leave there was another incident. A piece of equipment that had been down was putting us behind schedule so an extra shift was arranged to help keep up. The machine was finally fixed and Michael thanked the floor management team for handling the extra shift so well. He commented about how far we’d come, as a year ago it would have just been him and his brother coming in on weekends to try and bridge the gap. Pam left that meeting and immediately shared this comment with Andy, our former floor manager who had recently stepped down voluntarily after several years. However the conversation went, it resulted in an irate Andy calling another executive to curse out Michael and quit on the spot. This prompted Michael to ask Pam to leave early. She later insisted in an email that she had done nothing wrong and had shared his comment with Andy to “reassure him.” At no point did she ever acknowledge any blame for a single incident.

So we’ve been making the best of it since then. The second HR person Pam hired has been filling in, but running things singlehandedly is more than she signed on for and she put in her 2 weeks notice today. So we’ll be looking for to start over from the ground up. Fully rebooting HR after all.

2. Making sure halal and vegan buffet food doesn’t run out for the people who need it (#2 at the link)

Just wanted to give you a quick update. We had our holiday party today, and it was a huge success! We set up a separate small table with Halal/Vegan options and had a trusted colleague to man the table. I prepped her on how to respond to anyone requesting food from that table, so that we could redirect those who were just curious by letting them know that if there was some left near the end of the event, they could come back and try some. But we wanted our colleagues observing those diets to have first dibs. We also asked our main caterer to prepare most of the sides to be vegan as well (we did still need the mac and cheese though!)

We got SO MANY COMPLIMENTS AND THANKS! People raved about the food, and many non-Halal/non-vegan eaters said they would love to be able to try it in the future. Our finance person (who BTW was the person who manned the table, as luck would have it) was so pleased with the comments she was getting that she said she would find the funds for us to provide more of these options for our upcoming events.

Thank you so much for answering my question so quickly, and also to the commentariat with the great suggestions. It was definitely helpful!

3. My employees don’t want to talk in meetings … but their jobs require it

Your response to reflect on whether their speaking up was essential versus a nice-to-have was impactful. I realized that while for me public speaking and communicating about our work to various audiences is a requirement and something I encouraged in others, it wasn’t something that 100% of the team needed to be doing. In the end, I decided that it wasn’t essential that folks speak more than they currently did (both in internal meetings within our unit and with other departments) and stuck with only asking folks to provide factual information in meetings when it was something factual that they would have at their fingertips and wouldn’t be surprised by.

I wound up moving on to a new organization not long after this question was posted and didn’t get to the bottom of what went sideways with the DEI consultant, but we did continue to develop multiple channels for people to provide input into the DEI work (ex. surveys and internal conversations in addition to the meetings with the consultant) to ensure people didn’t have to be comfortable speaking in a group session to share feedback.

4. My boss refused to say goodbye on my last day (#2 at the link)

I wrote back in early 2020, seeking advice on a former boss not saying goodbye to me on my last day. Again, thank you for your advice. It helped me come to terms with leaving and going on to the next job. In hindsight it was kinda silly to even care about something like that, but live and learn.

On to the update: I was lucky to leave my first job when I did; a month later Covid happened, and my new job sent us all home. We were actually the first department to do so, as a test to see if the whole company could do it. I worked from home for a year and a half in my new job and I loved it! It gave me time to decompress, get acquainted with new coworkers, and try to unlearn all the bad habits I picked up at my first job. Not as easy as it sounds, what with everything else going on at the time (understatement of the century).

Alas, in the summer of 2021, our boss became anxious to have us back in the office. We were working better than ever, collaboration was at an all-time high … but he had signed a very expensive office lease. We went back, and over another year things got progressively worse at that job. I guess with Covid the general toxicity was muted, but once we were back in person I started to feel like a slow-boiling frog.

I was already looking at other jobs, but I finally got the push to leave last fall, when a coworker was arrested as part of a sting operation in our city. Their mugshot was on the evening news, and the nature of the crime made our workforce, mostly women, extremely upset and uncomfortable. I and several others brought it up to management, who just told us not to talk about it as it would embarrass the coworker. I guess because it was a slap on the wrist they were allowed to keep their job, as well as continue to travel on work trips. That coworker’s BFF was also his boss, which I suspect had something to do with him staying on.

This incident was really the straw that broke my back. While this job was a huge step up from my first, especially in pay, it was becoming too toxic for me. I know my value, and I knew I can get a better job elsewhere. Thanks to my daily reading of your site, I was able to rework my resume, answer and ask good questions at interviews, and make sure my references were in order. Thankfully, the executive director at my first job was more than happy to be a reference, and within six months I landed a new job! It’s another pay increase, which was needed, and so far it’s a calmer, more structured work environment.

As for my first job, I heard through the grapevine that while my old department was allowed to work from home during Covid, the rest of the office was not, which led to much resentment. My old position has become a revolving door, with most new hires staying less than a year before bouncing. Just what I’ve heard, but I’m not surprised. Thanks again for helping me when I was just starting out in the professional world and had no clue.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss was handling her resignation badly? Here’s the update.

Thank you for your response — as well as to everyone who commented. I found all of the responses to be helpful — they really helped me keep my sanity for the remaining five weeks of my notice period. After I wrote to you, things continued to go downhill with my (now former) boss. This only scratches the tip of the iceberg in terms of how banapants things got during my last few weeks, but gives you enough of the picture I think. :)

During my notice period, I took a week of vacation (pre-planned before I gave notice). When I came back, I discovered my boss had decided — without consulting me — that I was going to lead research for a project I was still managing in a very unstable country that had recently undergone a coup d’état — scheduled the week before I was due to move back to the U.S. for my new job. It will not surprise you that my former company did not have any safety or evacuation protocols in place. I told my boss I was not comfortable going to this country, nor was I willing to travel during the remainder of my notice period.

In response, she gave me the silent treatment and then reported me to HR. During the conversation, the head of HR repeatedly tried to convince me to travel to this country, as well as tried to trap me into badmouthing my boss. I told them that they did not understand the concept of a notice period, which is for wrapping things up and handing things over. After 15 minutes of extremely circular conversation, I told him if we could not find a way forward, my last day would be tomorrow. He immediately backed off and went, “No, no, no, you don’t need to leave tomorrow,” likely because they were so understaffed and desperately needed me to finish the work I had outlined in my handover note.

After this meeting, my boss denied approving my handover note — which she had agreed to the day of my resignation — and stated it had to be a living document. After this particular comment, I added a list of every single task I had completed during my notice period, including links to all documents, to prove that I had, in fact, done quite a bit of work during this time.

After this incident, my boss tried publicly bullying me, stating that I had intentionally slowed down the timeline on the aforementioned project to avoid travelling. When this did not work, she gave me the silent treatment for a week and only communicated to me through her assistant, which I honestly preferred. She changed her tune and started being “nice” to me when someone else on our team made her angry a few days later. After this, I more or less checked out of work, as I figured she was going to badmouth me even if I worked 60 hours a week, and I preferred to start my new job rested.

They did try to short my last paycheck by about $1,000. Luckily I kept detailed records of everything related to my remaining PTO days and confirmation from HR of my official last day. I did actually receive my last full two months salary (my former company paid every other month — another red flag).

I have been at my new job for about four months, and it has been a really nice change. My work-life balance is much better and I actually look forward to opening my laptop now. The work is challenging and fast paced (I work in the humanitarian / development field) but my new boss is very supportive, and the team I work with is really great. I am actually learning things and feel like I’m making an impact, versus managing someone’s insanity on a day to day basis. I am still in touch with a couple of people at my old company who have said things have continued to go downhill since I left — several people exited after my departure as well. When I think back on it, I can’t believe I stayed in that situation for as long as I did. My old boss has reached out a couple of times since I left and I haven’t replied.

Thank you all again for your great comments and advice. I used a lot of it during my last month at my job and it was incredibly helpful to keeping both my sanity and energy intact.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer hired someone and then a mutual friend said she’d made a huge mistake? Here’s the update.

It’s been a little under a year since I hired Julian and I’m happy to say he’s still on my team. But these past six months haven’t been 100% perfect.

Shortly after hiring him, it became evident that Julian didn’t like to be around a lot of people at one time. After a few months of struggling to get him to follow the schedules I’d been making for him, which put him working during our peak times, I started letting him make his own schedule. This helped him be more productive and, from an outsider’s perspective, much happier.

The one downside to letting him make his own schedule was that it made it much harder for him to get to know the rest of the team (his role is unique and allows him to work more distantly than some others). I started worrying that he was always going to be a bit of an outcast, but then his longtime partner applied to work for me (same team, different role). To make a long story short, she very honestly shared that she had been out of work for several years due to a debilitating anxiety disorder and was hoping to slowly reenter the workforce in a supportive environment like ours. We hired her, the team took to her instantly, and she’s turned out to be one of our best workers.

I talked in my initial letter about Julian being escorted off of the premises of his last job for “acting erratically” and “having screaming matches with himself.” Unfortunately, he has had one of those moments with me. A couple of months ago he suddenly started trembling, sweating and kicking things (nothing breakable). It caught me off guard, but we gave him a few days to collect himself and then we regrouped and determined that he was simply exhausted by some things that were going on in his personal life. We made a few reasonable modifications that would help him manage some of these things and he’s been fine ever since. We also asked him how he would like to be interacted with if/when he feels overwhelmed again, so hopefully that will help us to support him.

I also spoke in my initial letter about Julian having reportedly made some of his former female coworkers feel unsafe. Personally, I haven’t seen any of that in the workplace (for what it’s worth, I’m a cis female). Overall, the team thinks of Julian as an odd duck, but no one is afraid of him. If anything, watching him be very kind to his sometimes anxious partner has endeared him to the rest of the team.

All in all, I’m happy with both Julian and his partner. It feels as though we were able to get two good employees for the price of one simply because we were kind and understanding from the get-go. I hope they continue to work out!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker made a creepy pass at her (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I have an update regarding my coworker, “Mac,” who told me my sexy librarian vibe was a problem for him. Reading your response and all the comments was very illuminating! I had been feeling as if I’d somehow brought it upon myself, but you and the commentariat really opened my eyes to the reality of this being entirely on Mac.

I’m a little ashamed to admit I was too chicken to bring it up to Mac directly, but I made a point of avoiding his usual paths and successfully dodged him for two weeks straight. Last Friday he came to my work station and asked if everything was alright, and said, “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me!” Well. I took a deep breath, summoned all the Resting Bitch Face I could muster, and said, “Mac, you implied that your inability to manage your pants feels in the workplace was somehow my fault for looking like a ‘sexy librarian.’ How exactly would you suggest I handle such gross comments in the future if not with avoidance?” His neck and ears turned bright red and he said something along the lines of, “Uh… I’m sorry… I didn’t… sorry…” then literally turned heel and fast-walked away. I think I was in a state of nervous shock afterwards — my ears were ringing and I felt strangely tingly — but also incredibly proud of myself.

First thing Monday morning, Mac came to my work station again and gave me what seemed to be a sincere apology. He said there was no excuse for his comment, it was out of line and he was being an idiot not thinking of the implications, that it would never happen again, and asked if there was any way he could make it up to me. I thanked him for apologizing and said I don’t think this is something that you really “make up” to someone, but to please truly ensure he never says anything like that again. He reiterated it would absolutely never happen again and asked if I thought I could ever forgive him. I told him that while I accept his apology, it’ll take time to move forward and that I don’t really know what that will look like and to please give me space and time, summing it up with “it’ll be what it’ll be, please don’t try to force it.” He said, “Of course. Again, I’m so sorry,” and left my workstation.

I think I need some time to process Mac’s apology and how I feel about him moving forward. I’m still struggling to reconcile the friend I thought I knew with the lecher that made that comment and now with the seemingly penitent dope I saw today. People are complicated. But I at least feel like I can go back to taking whatever route I want to get from point A to point B and I won’t be walking on eggshells worried about potentially running into him. I think we can exchange trivialities and move about without issue now.

Thank you so much for your response, and to the commentariat as well. Especially user Falling Diphthong for the absolute gem of a phrase “pants feels” which I will love forever, and users higheredadmin, SarahKay, and Awkwardness for their suggestion that I practice responses for when I inevitably had to confront Mac. I don’t think I could have managed the response I did without having taken that advice. You guys are amazing!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How can I explain to coworkers that I’m working from home as a medical accommodation? (#3 at the link)

It turns out I’m autistic. I was diagnosed not long after the letter was published, and all my quirks and needs fell into place. Permanent remote work is, it turns out, a common accomodation for autism. My need for natural light, privacy, quiet, and reduced visual noise are common.

I could not reply due to comments being closed, but the responses I did see were helpful. Below is a response I started before my diagnosis:

Honestly, the issue is more in my head than anywhere else — there are a few people who are being weird or snide, but more who just seem genuinely confused about what could necessitate working from home for a seemingly healthy person (I love being physically active when I can be and bounce between demanding hobbies and too tired to get out of bed).

The genuine confusion manifests as awkward requests and pauses when someone is trying to figure out logistics for presentation A or event B, perhaps wondering why it doesn’t merit the effort to come in when I did last week for less-important meeting C, but realizes they probably shouldn’t ask. (The answer is mostly that I don’t get to pick my good and bad days and also coming in for C was a lower-stakes experiment with the result “actually it’s worse than I thought”).

Looking back on this through the lens of my new diagnosis, it’s extremely common for autistic folks who are heavily masking to be overly concerned with inconveniencing or annoying others, and unsure how to respond in situations like this (especially women or gender minorities).

I hope that other folks get the accommodations they need, too. It’s essential for me if I want to keep working, so I’m grateful I have an understanding company.

2. I hate my job — do I have to stick it out for a year? (#3 at the link)

I am the person you answered in May about leaving a job after what I perceived as a stint of short strings. I was miserable, and it had only been a month. Your response was so encouraging. I didn’t want to leave without something lined up — and I wanted to see if I was just having a hard time adjusting — so I stayed on. I kept in touch with my old coworkers and old boss off and on.

Then, over the past month, my workload doubled with no end in sight. I have been working 8 am to 9 or 10 pm straight every day, with at least one day of work on the weekends. I haven’t been eating well, working out or seeing my family. I am in an industry known for hard work, but not at this level for this consistently. I have been behind no matter what I do, making mistakes, not being able to be the leader I want. I came to this role with a strong reputation for not being behind, for catching mistakes and being a good leader. I didn’t want to mess that up.

Then, a serendipitous set of dominoes started to fall, which included someone going into preterm labor (they and baby are happy and healthy), an unexpected budget increase, and an immediate need for me to rejoin my old team, under my old boss, at the higher title that I took when I left. It feels like a second chance from the universe. My old boss told me she could have an offer for me the same day, but I took your advice and asked for more time to make absolutely sure I wanted to do this. I made a list of questions for myself and for my old boss, and upon her answering them, I went forward to the offer stage. I knew I would be taking an undetermined pay cut (my old company pays slightly less than the company I moved to so that they can prioritize work/life balance) and decided on what my lowest would be. To my surprise, the company’s initial offer was $10k higher than my lowest, and I countered with a number that was squarely between their number and my current salary. I let HR know that salary was part of why I left, and I wanted to make sure the number we netted out at would have me feeling good if I were only taking merit or cost of living increases for the foreseeable future. They came up $5k, and I took the deal. Thank you for the wonderful advice you share, and for building my confidence to be able to negotiate for myself!

3. Should I leave my job with great benefits but a problem boss?

After I saw your response and the comments, I started job searching. Every interview made me miserable and the offers I got were not ones I was happy with. After a lot of therapy, soul searching, and talks with my husband, I realized I needed to get out of finance. It’s a career I picked at 21 years old when all I was worried about was money. I applied for graduate school to study something I’m passionate about and started a month ago to become a licensed therapist!

The bad news: a month before grad school started, I was abruptly hospitalized and diagnosed with a serious chronic mental health condition. When I informed my employer about what was going on and asked for some sort of medical leave, I was fired. I’m not even surprised, given how cavalier my boss was about breaking the law. I was so sick I couldn’t even think about it at first — but it all worked out in the end! I had an attorney send a very sternly worded letter to them, and am likely about to receive a small settlement. I’m working as an event waitress for now, since that schedule works better with my very intensive grad school program. And given the diagnosis, and all the big changes going on in my life, baby plans are on the backburner. I suppose everything happened for a reason.

Thank you and the commenters for helping me realize my situation was not normal! It was the push I needed to make some big changes.

4. The person who needs to confirm my employment dates always gets it wrong (#2 at the link)

I’m the person who had an issue with a former employer not confirming my employment dates correctly. I did connect with someone I interviewed with to let them know I was having some issues with a former employer and to ask if they could give any details, because I was concerned about future prospects. I connected with the actual person who interviewed me and not their HR department, who had given me a terse email about non-verified employment dates.

She let me know that they decided on a different candidate for reasons that had nothing to do with my former employer. She called Mary herself and said she had an impression Mary was “flaky” and she wasn’t sure why HR would include that bit in the rejection letter. They went on to say I was a strong candidate and interviewed well, and “I’m glad you reached out, I will have a conversation with the HR person about that, and please look out for other opportunities here. We may have an opening in a few months I am considering you for.” (I know anything can happen, so I’m not holding my breath, but I appreciated that answer.)

I also decided to email Mary with some verifiable information to refresh her memory and it was returned as undeliverable. I did some googling and the former agency seems to be not on the web anymore. It seems she has closed the agency and is running a completely different business now.

Taking some of your advice along with this information, I feel confident telling future prospective employers something like, “The owner of this agency has closed down and I believe is running another business. She has historically not been reliable about employment dates and verifiable information. I have some paperwork to confirm dates of employment and can provide a few references from people I worked with during this time if you have any questions.”

It’s kind of weird. But hiring managers know shit happens. Thanks for the advice!