Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I accidentally peed on a fabric chair at work

I’m close to tears writing this. I was drinking some water at my desk and some of it went down the wrong tube, which led to a coughing fit. I coughed so hard that I peed. This is the first time this has ever happened and I’m mortified. Worse still, it happed on a specially ordered orthopedic chair with a cloth seat. And yes, the urine soak through. What do I do?!? I’m afraid if I tell my manger they’ll be horrified and wonder how I could possibly be incontinent. I don’t want to be the coworker who peed on the chair. Will I totally ruin my professional image? As much as I just want to not tell anyone I don’t think the chair is salvageable and it stinks of urine now. Someone is bound to notice. Do I have to change my name and live life as a hermit? Help!

You do not have to change your name and live as a hermit! You are a normal human with a normal human body, and normal human bodies sometimes do weird things. You are far from the only person who has had this happen. (Here are some other letters with similar stories if it helps!) Anyone who would hold this against you is a jerk; most people will just be sympathetic. (In fact, it’s entirely possible your manager or whoever you end up talking to about it will have had something similar happen to themselves at some point.)

Talk to the person who’s in charge of ordering furniture and say this: “I had a medical incident that unfortunately ruined the cloth seat of my chair, and I need to order a new one. What’s the process for doing that?”

2. Why have policies that aren’t enforced?

Having seen this in real life and reading about it frequently in your column, I’m curious: from a manager’s point of view, what’s the purpose of policies that aren’t enforced and when there’s no intent to enforce them? Why have these policies at all?

Obviously sometimes policies are made at a high level that’s detached from everyday operations, and managers don’t care about them, and no one will really notice they’re not enforced. But in situations where managers do have meaningful authority, what’s this all about? This could be dress codes, WFH vs working in the office, timeliness or absenteeism, or any kinds of procedures — situations where there’s a definite rule, something a manager says must or must not be done, but they openly ignore when the rules aren’t followed or refuse to enforce them.

Affected underlings sometimes have cynical interpretations of what’s going on here, but I’m curious what the people with authority think they’re doing.

There’s a bunch of explanations. Sometimes the policy was made by someone other than the manager and they don’t agree with it, or don’t think it’s a big enough deal to enforce (and may think it’s counter to more important goals, like treating good employees well). Sometimes the policy sounded right when it was made but has turned out not to be a big enough deal for anyone to bother enforcing it, and no one has gone back to revisit it. Sometimes they really should be enforcing it, but the manager is too wimpy or too negligent (those are the same thing, really) to do it.

Sometimes the policy wasn’t thought out well enough and so it doesn’t contain the nuance that the manager has in their head — for example, a manager might think “I need people to do X except in situations Y or Z” but they don’t bother to call out Y or Z as exceptions in the policy, so it looks like the policy is just going unenforced (or worse, being inconsistently enforced), whereas if they’d written the policy better their intent would have been clear.

And sometimes there’s more of a cumulative aspect to it — if you break the policy once or twice, it’s not a big deal, but if you’re breaking it all the time it’ll be more of a problem and worth addressing.

Related:
how strictly should managers enforce company policies?

3. My manager’s brain injury is causing problems on our team

My supervisor had a traumatic brain injury 11 months ago (workman’s comp). She has gotten treatment (sort of); she is very religious and delayed treatment based on her religious beliefs. After nearly a year, she is still out a lot, has memory issues, is late, is irritable, works remotely a lot, and has accommodations that — at least to our staff — are mysterious and undefined. Early on I stepped up, worked extra, helped out and went the extra mile. We had been friends before working together. Then about six months ago, she bit my head off, told me I had overstepped, and told me to stay in my lane. Fine — I went back to working my actual job and minding my own business. But she is clearly not okay. Now she flip flops between “I feel like we are estranged friends” and asking weird things like wanting to give me her password for a software program, which is strictly prohibited by institution policy. I am at my wits’ end.

This is above your pay grade to solve! Please talk to HR about what’s going on. Not to get your manager in trouble, but because these are problems that you can’t handle on your own, and someone above you needs to know what’s going on so they can step in and help (which could include coming up with more effective accommodations, connecting her with different support, changing the way your team is managed, or all sorts of other things).

4. Technology stipend purchases — my property or the company’s?

Two years ago I accepted a job that advertised, under the “Compensation and Perks” section of the job posting and official job description, a $1,500 technology stipend. In our negotiation emails, the owner of the firm said that the salary offer plus my professional development budget plus this technology budget “pushes you over (desired salary) for the year, with lots of room for upward mobility. Plus when you earn X certification, you’ll be eligible for a $5,000 raise.” I assumed — based on this correspondence and my spouse’s previous experiences with technology stipends — that I would have a budget of $1,500 to spend on whatever I wanted for tech for my home office, and that it would be mine to keep. There was no mention of returning the purchases at any point. And I did spend it on whatever I wanted (no instructions or guidance provided by the employer), which was a laptop, monitor, ergonomic keyboard and mouse, and some other smaller things specific to my home office. I submitted receipts for reimbursement.

Fast forward to last month, when I gave notice. The owner of the firm was very upset. He said many inappropriate and rude things to me, but what he did not say then, during my exit interview, or on my last day, was anything at all about returning the items I’d purchased two years earlier with this stipend. And I didn’t think anything of it, because I was under the impression that this stipend had been compensation.

My final paycheck had an error in it that shorted me about $150. It was a mistake due to negligence, not anything malicious, so after trying to resolve it with the payroll company directly, I reached out to my former employer because apparently only he can remedy the mistake. A month later, I checked back in to ask if he’d seen my email, and he replied quickly to say that he wants me to mail him my laptop and monitor, and then once he receives it he’ll Venmo me (?!) the mistakenly withheld wages plus the shipping costs.

I don’t even know how to reply. It seems retaliatory for him to be asking for this now (why didn’t he mention it literally at any point earlier?) and it doesn’t match my understanding of the stipend’s terms (which of course aren’t written down anywhere). Not to mention that Venmo’ing me seems like a weird thing to do — the $150 is supposed to be taxable income.

What do you think? Is it worth even pointing out to him that he’d offered the stipend to me as part of my compensation package? Would it be egregious to tell him that I’m unwilling to handle the packaging and front the postage costs myself, but if he sends me packaging with prepaid labels I’ll send the items back?

Some companies with technology stipends do require the items to be returned when you leave, but they clearly spell that out so you know. I suspect that is not how your manager intended it since if the plan was for you to return the items all along, it wouldn’t have made any sense to include it in “pushing your salary over $X” (just like you don’t include the cost of other work-provided equipment in your salary calculations). Plus he didn’t say anything about returning it until you asked him to remedy the payroll error and when he was already upset about you leaving.

You could reply to him, “My understanding from our negotiations when I was hired was that the stipend was part of my compensation, and there was no discussion of those items being returned. If you documented something different, I am happy to take a look at it (although would then ask that you prepay for the shipping back so that I’m not covering that myself). Meanwhile, for the payroll error, I don’t think we can Venmo it — it needs to be through payroll so that taxes are taken out correctly and so the state has a record of it. Thanks for handling it, I appreciate it.”

You might also look up your state’s law on final pay and when it’s due and what the penalties are if it’s late, just so you have that in your pocket if you need it. (Google the name of your state and “final paycheck law” with no quotes.)

5. What state do I file for unemployment in?

Federal employee here. I live in State A and work in State B. If/when the axe falls, do I apply for unemployment benefits in State A, State B, or (for whatever reason) Washington, D.C.?

You apply for unemployment in the state you worked in.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new boss coughs all over me

I’ve just begun a new position and as a result, have been working closely with my new boss as she trains me. Things are mostly going well — except she is constantly coughing on me! Directly on me! As in, I feel her breath on my bare arm as she coughs into my skin while leaning over me to see my computer screen. When she does bother to cover her mouth, she coughs into her hand … which she then promptly uses to grab my mouse. She also left a used(!) tissue on my desk.

I’m coming down with a cold and it’s not hard to put two and two together. She’s an older woman and a senior vice president, I’m a younger and far junior, brand new employee. Do I have any standing to polite ask her to stop doing this? If not, what else can I do other than aggressively sanitize everything after?

That’s incredibly rude! In an ideal world you’d be able to simply say, “I don’t want to get sick — would you mind moving away when you need to cough?” And you might indeed be able to say that; it’s a very reasonable request!

But if you’re nervous about it, another approach is to make it more about what you’re going to do than what she’s doing: “Let me move away while you input that since you’re coughing.” You can also keep disinfecting wipes nearby and wipe down the mouse after she’s used it — and if she’ll see you do that, you can say, “Since I started doing this, it’s cut down on how often I get anything going around.” There’s also the option of wearing a mask when she’s training you and saying, “I’m close to someone who gets sick easily and since you’ve got a cough, I’m going to be extra careful.”

I hope you can use the first option of just directly asking her to stop. But the reality is that people often feel awkward about this kind of thing with a boss, especially when they’re new. So the other options are there if you need them.

Related:
my disgusting boss touches and chews on everything on my desk

2. Should I tell our boss that my coworker sucks at managing his team?

I work in tech, and my team is split by areas of ownership. My manager, Dave, oversees me and three others, and we manage one system. Dave also manages Jeb, who leads five other people responsible for a separate system that works closely with ours. Jeb is my peer but he is a manager, while I am not. Despite this, we’re all part of the same team.

I’ve been at the company for seven years, three years longer than Jeb, and had worked with him even before we joined this team. Recently, I’ve heard from Jeb’s direct reports that he’s been difficult to work for. They’ve mentioned personal insults, constant micromanagement, blame shifting, and threats of undocumented performance improvement plans used to intimidate them. This is especially concerning since all of Jeb’s reports are new hires or early in their careers. From what I’ve seen, they are smart, capable, and have the potential to excel if given proper support. Notably, Jeb does not act this way in larger groups or when Dave is present.

Jeb and I, however, have a good relationship. While he can be condescending at times, I’ve brushed it off to maintain professionalism. I believe he respects me due to my tenure and values my input when I push back. Really, his behavior doesn’t impact me because I feel secure and confident in my role and position in the company.

That said, I find his treatment of his reports unacceptable. His team seems hesitant to escalate their concerns, fearing retaliation. One teammate did raise the issue with a senior leader he felt comfortable with, but it seems nothing has changed in Jeb’s approach. I feel awful for those reporting to him and want to help, but I’m unsure how. Dave is relatively new and likely only knows what Jeb has shared about his team, which may be biased. However, Dave seems people-focused, and I doubt he’d tolerate this behavior if he knew the full extent.

I’ve encouraged Jeb’s reports to set up skip-level one-on-ones with Dave to build direct relationships, but I worry that won’t be enough. I’m in a unique position as someone Jeb cannot retaliate against and who has a direct line to leadership. I want to support my teammates without worsening their already challenging dynamic. Should I escalate this to Dave or stay out of it unless asked? What’s the best way to help without causing more harm?

Since it sounds like you trust Dave to handle it well, share what you’ve seen with him. You can frame it as, “I want to pass on something I’m hearing to you in confidence, since I’m not positioned to do anything with it myself.” Do it the same way you’d pass along a less charged work-related concern that Dave would want to be aware of — like “I’m hearing rumors Key Vendor A may be shutting down next year” or “Client B mentioned they’d rather we focus on X, not Y, when we present to them.” You  have relevant information that you have reason to believe Dave would want to be aware of, so go ahead and share it and then leave it to him to decide where to go (if anywhere) from there. As long as your tone is measured and “here’s a potential work issue” rather than “here’s the hot goss on Jeb, who I take delight in badmouthing,” most decent managers will appreciate a discreet heads-up.

3. How can I tell a friend who’s in a years-long job search that I got a job after a month?

I know that nothing is guaranteed, but about a month after starting a job hunt I appear to be very close to securing a job that will meet the needs of me and my family. I’m excited since it will solve a lot of problems for us, and it would make for a very short and successful job hunt. I’m excited, but I’m also wondering how to be kind around a dear friend of mine in the middle of a years-long, painful, difficult job search that has contained many false starts, dead-ends, and disappointments. Do you have any tips for how to be supportive and helpful around celebrating my job hunt ending quickly while also respecting the difficult and frustrating position they’re in?

Don’t celebrate it around your friend at all; she doesn’t sound like the right audience for your excitement right now. Let her know about the job change once it’s finalized since it would be weird not to, but keep it pretty matter-of-fact — you’re sharing information, not expecting her to celebrate with you.

Alternately, if you’re very close, in some friendships the right move would be to put it all out on the table — “I feel awkward about this and a little guilty since I know how long you’ve been searching, and I don’t want to be celebrating an offer for me when I know you’re having such a frustrating time.” She might reassure you that she’s happy for you and doesn’t want you to hide your excitement for her sake, or she might appreciate you recognizing that.

4. My boss said I couldn’t leave for lunch on a day we had an office party

I recently started a new role and, within two weeks, the deputy director of our department decided we would have a small office party for an employee approaching his last day. The party was about an hour with pizza, drinks, and desserts (provided by staff and company funds). I had an understanding with her that I would always be out-of-office for our company-allotted hour lunches to take care of my dogs’ needs. However, on the day of the party, she informed me that employees couldn’t take a lunch on days we had “parties” and therefore I couldn’t go home. I’ve never held an office job prior to this, so is this normal? Granted, it was over lunchtime, with lunch foods, but it was heavily implied it would be rude to not show up and congratulate this employee on their new role.

No, it’s not normal — and if you’re non-exempt and in a state that requires employees to be given a lunch break, it’s likely not legal either (although it will depend on the exact wording of your state’s law). It would be different if the party was optional and you could choose to spend your lunch hour there or not, but if you’re being told you must attend the party and you can’t have your lunch break before/after it, a lot of states would prohibit that.

You could say this to your boss: “I do need to take my full lunch break to go home every day like we agreed when I was hired — would you rather I do it during the party or after it?”