Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Is it okay for bra lines to show at work?

I have an ongoing battle with my bra cup lines showing under my shirts. It’s not like I’m wearing sexy silky tight shirts! I buy fairly expensive shirts from business-oriented clothing stores, but alas, they don’t always see fit to line their tops. I also have to wear a lanyard at work which pulls in exactly the wrong way and exacerbates the problem. Clothes that seem fine in the store have turned bad by lunch time.

I worked at Victoria’s Secret in college so I like to think I know how to fit myself. I’ve tried buying “full coverage” bras but it seems they just relocate the line somewhere else. I’ve tried t-shirt bras. I’ve tried wearing camisoles under my shirts, but find them so uncomfortable, and still a line shows (albeit not a bra-shaped one).

I was lamenting about this recently and my husband told me I was being crazy and no one cares. I do notice female coworkers with the same problem ocassionally. But I still walk around feeling paranoid. Do I have a reason to be?

Nope. It’s normal and no one cares! Bras just do this sometimes unless you’re wearing a top made of thicker material. Seamless bras and t-shirt bras can minimize it, but they’re not foolproof. (That said, if you’ve never been fitted at a non-Victoria’s-Secret shop, it’s worth doing and could possibly lead you to a solution. Victoria’s Secret is notorious for getting sizes wrong. But if you don’t feel like doing that, it’s fine! Bra lines are not a big deal.)

– 2018

2. My boss keeps winking at me

As a whole, I loathe winking. I find it condescending. I’ve voiced my opinion about this lightheartedly with coworkers, and most people agree that winking is weird, at the very least.

However, my boss has starting taking up this habit. When asking me to do tasks or projects of any size, she winks at me. It’s usually when she’s under pressure or is trying to just get me to complete something without asking any questions. It drives me insane because it feels like she’s just trying to put me in my place.

Many friends and coworkers say that winking is a generational thing and, as odd and out of touch as it may be, that most people mean it as a friendly gesture. But it makes me really uncomfortable when a superior is winking at me in stressful situations. Am I overreacting? How can I address this? Can it even be addressed?

I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU on winking. I do not get it; it seems oddly smarmy to me. And I would be irritated by a colleague winking at me all the time, particularly my manager, and particularly if my manager were using it as a way to say “don’t ask any questions about this.”

But yes, it does appear to be generational and yes, I do think you’re reading too much into it. I doubt she’s trying to put you in your place (that would be a really odd way to use winking, as well as just an odd thing for her to be doing in general). Your best bet is to write it off as a weird quirk and try to ignore it.

If you absolutely must say something, you could say, “I’m never sure how to read it when you wink — why do you do it?” But that’s making too big a deal out of it, and it won’t necessarily get her to stop. (And you don’t really have standing to ask her to stop if this is just a communication quirk of hers.)

– 2018

3. Office tenant keeps stealing our supplies

I am an administrative assistant for a local development group in my community. In addition to helping with economic development, we also own and operate a small business hub in which we rent out office space to various small businesses and provide them with secretarial assistance and whatnot. We recently had an attorney move into our building and he is driving me crazy. We have a public copy room with a copy machine, computer, hole punch, etc. We provide all the supplies for the copy room. He steals them constantly. In addition to that, I have also found several items missing from my desk, both from on top of my desk and in my desk.

He has returned a few things to me here and there, but definitely not all. The reason I know it’s him—I have a master key and one day had to let a delivery person into his office to deliver a package. While in there, I saw several items that belong to us. He has also taken off with ALL of our coffee cups that we have in the “break room” area. There are several other things that are really starting to get on my nerves, but that is a different question for a different day. How do I ask for these items back in a professional manner? I’m at a loss.

Be direct: “Bob, I let a delivery person into your office the other day and saw that you had several items that have been missing from my desk, like my stapler and coffee mug, as well as the hole punch from the copy room. Can you please return those today? We do provide supplies in the copy room, but they’re for many people’s use and need to remain there.”

If it happens again after that, get more direct: “Bob, like I mentioned before, I need you not to remove items from my desk or the copy room. Your rent covers your office space and access to the copy room, but you’re expected to provide supplies for your own office yourself.”

— 2015

4. Giving bibles as gifts to employees

I have a question about Christmas gifts from the boss to employees. It is inappropriate to gift a bible to each person in my office? I also wanted to engrave their names on it.

Sooooo inappropriate. Religion is personal, and it doesn’t belong at work. Especially because you’re the boss, this is likely to be incredibly uncomfortable for some people because there’s a power dynamic involved, and you risk making people feel uneasy at best and downright alienated at worst. Stick with non-religious gifts.

– 2016

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I accidentally ditched a peer at a conference and then cried publicly about it

Last year, I was a speaker at an industry conference. I was part of a three-person “package” with a well-recognized peer in my industry, Sansa. Sansa was super nice, helped to keep me calm, and I felt like we really hit it off. On the last night of the conference, she texted me after sessions to say she’d text me when she was going to the industry dinner so I could come with her and wouldn’t have to go alone, which was very kind as I’m a big introvert. I was exhausted but I said thanks. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go to dinner. But I took a short nap and went down to the hotel lobby just to get myself out of my room and motivated. Another peer, Arya, saw me sitting in the lobby and said she and a few other folks were going to the dinner, and did I want to hop in their Uber? I was iffy but she was excited, so I said yes, and off I went.

I was having a good time, with about 15 other peers (four of whom were at my table at the restaurant) when Sansa walked in. She saw me and had a look of shock on her face. I totally TOTALLY forgot she’d said she’d go with me. I missed several texts somehow, but she also emailed me and tried to contact me through LinkedIn and Slack, and email; she even tried to ask other people to contact me. In other words, she tried really, really hard. Her last message was, “Well, I’m going to go, I hope you’ll decide to join me!” — at least 45 minutes after she first tried to contact me. And I completely ditched her, but not on purpose. She was angry and frustrated, but not unkind. I told her to please sit next to me, let me buy her a drink, and I must have apologized 20 times, no exaggeration. And then … I started crying. Everyone at my table was uncomfortable after that. I think I was just so appalled at my behavior because I don’t often get included in things, and to know that someone was trying to include me and I acted so poorly, I couldn’t get past it. I wound up staying out for hours past when I’d normally go back to the hotel, going wherever she went, just to try to make it up to her. It was pretty obnoxious. She was still angry, and then annoyed, which I totally get, but she was still being fairly nice to me.

So now, it’s six months later, and I’ve been asked to go to this conference again and be on a panel with one other person: Sansa. How do I address not only ditching her, but worse, acting like that afterwards? She is more well-known than I am, and getting to do something with her again is very good for my career, so I can’t just say no. I’m cringing just thinking about it. I have to balance acknowledging how crazy I acted with being a professional adult person who knows how to control her emotions. Or maybe I don’t acknowledge it at all? Do I make a joke? Do I build a time machine to go back and not be so weird? Do I say something now, since we both have to figure out this panel thing, or do I say something later on?

This might be counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do is to put in the past and just move forward. Don’t apologize again — it sounds like the apologizing might have gone over the top last time, so you don’t want to start it up again! Don’t make a joke about it (too much risk of it not landing well). Really, don’t try to address it in any way. It happened, it got weird, you tried to address it at the time (and addressed it too much, it sounds like), and if you raise it again there’s too much risk of the old weirdness getting raised along with it.

Instead, make a point of being warm (but not too warm) and professional. Greet her pleasantly, shake her hand (if that’s a thing people there do), tell her it’s good to see her, and then treat her like you’d treat someone you know a little but not well. The message you want to convey with your behavior here is “professional person behaving appropriately at a conference,” not “abashed person trying to fix something.”

It’s okay if Sansa feels a little weird or is stand-offish with you. That’s fine! All you can control is you. Plus, this conference isn’t the final word in how people see you. It sounds like you’ll run into Sansa and others again from time to time, and over time you can build up a calm, professional image that will eventually be a strong counterweight to something that at some point will be many years in the past.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

2. Foot-touching coworker

Many people in our office wear shoes that are easy to remove, such as flip flops. Sometimes people remove their shoes at their desks, which I’m okay with, but there is a coworker who likes to remove their shoes during meetings. I would not care if they kept their feet under the table, but this person then puts one foot on the seat of the chair. The worse part is the next phase, where they start touching their toes. This was very disgusting, but matters only got worse when food was brought into the meeting. I was extremely nervous because I knew to protect others something was going to have to be publicly said, but thankfully, the food that the “toe touching individual” touched was not touched by anyone else during the meeting. However, the original owner was taking the leftovers home. I did not know what to do other than inform that person that they needed to discard the food and when I was asked why I truthfully indicated the reason.

I know something must be said to the “toe touching individual” before another meeting with food. How do I professionally handle this situation? As a side note, this person is not easy to talk to – I would consider them an office bully.

This is gross, but I’m not sure that all this drama is warranted. Is the person rubbing his foot-contaminated hands all over the food? But if you want to say something, I’d just say, “Dude, you’ve been touching your feet so be careful with the food.”

(Not to cause you more angst, but how do you know your other coworkers’ hands are clean? For all you know, they might have been touching worse things than feet.)

– 2012

3. Asking employees to say I’m out when my abusive mother calls

Is it ever okay to ask an employee to “cover” for you? I am the director of a small, nonprofit county agency. I have two staff and three volunteers. The problem is my 74-year-old mentally ill mother. Long story short, she is very abusive, calls me and my husband vile names, and uses vile language in front of our teenage daughter. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I have to disconnect (until she can get herself together) to protect my daughter.

During these times, my mother will call and call and call. I have told her several times not to call me at work, had my sister intervene, etc. to no avail. Sometimes I ask my employees to tell her that I am busy, which, of course, I am. Sometimes the only way to stop the barrage of calls is to have them tell her I am out of the office all day at a meeting. She is never vile to my staff or volunteers, but I feel guilty asking them to cover for me (and in some instances, lie for me). But then on the flip side, it is very disruptive to my office when she behaves like this and nothing else works. It seems like such a simple thing, but it is unethical?

I don’t think it’s unethical at all. If one of your employees were dealing with an abusive relative who behaved like this, you’d probably be sympathetic and willing to say she wasn’t there, right? I’m sure your employees are willing to do the same.

The key, especially since you’re the boss and so there’s a power dynamic, is to make sure they don’t think you take this help for granted. Express genuine appreciation for their help, and explain the basics of the situation if you haven’t already, including that having her think you’re unavailable for the day is unfortunately the best way to minimize the disruption.

Also, make sure they know that you’re doing your best to get the calls to stop. You don’t want them inadvertently misunderstanding the situation and thinking that you’re just dodging calls from your poor, lonely mother, or that you haven’t taken reasonable steps to control the situation.

Speaking of which, is there a way to block her number? That might sound callous, but if she has another way to reach you (like your cell phone), that might be the way to go with your work phone.

– 2016

4. Negotiating a gym membership as part of a job offer

I’m in the interview process with a company for a job I’m really interested in, and things seem to be going well. I’m optimistic about my chances, and expect a job offer in the next week or so if things continue to go well.

In my first interview, they told me flat out what the salary for the job was. It was in my acceptable range, but lower than I was hoping for. They didn’t give a range, just a number. Now, I’m absolutely willing to take the job at this salary, as it’s a job I’m interested and the salary is still in my acceptable range. However, this is my first job out of college, and I’d like to get my feet wet with negotiations. I’ve been looking around for advice on things to negotiate other than salary, and most of them seem pretty normal (vacation time, job title) and some of them made sense although I didn’t know how to approach them (office). The one that really threw me off was gym membership.

Do people actually ask for gym memberships? Is this normal? How would you begin to explain to a hiring staff why it was relevant to the job? (Unless you were a personal trainer or something else relevant.)

No, that’s weird. Some employers offer subsidized or discounted gym membership as part of their benefits package, but they either offer it or they don’t; it’s not the sort of thing people generally negotiate individually for themselves. And that’s doubly true as someone new to the workforce; it’s going to come across as a bit prima donna-ish at any career stage, but especially as someone junior.

– 2015