Ask a Manager

a guy I hooked up with is joining my team, employee gave me cash for a holiday gift, and more

by Alison Green on January 4, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A past fling is joining my team and I might need to manage his work

A few years ago when I was living across the country for grad school, I hooked up with a guy (Wesley) a couple of times. We exchanged a few texts afterwards, but our communication quickly faded out and I assumed we’d never see each other again. I moved back home a year later and have been working at my current company ever since.

Well, it’s a small world: Wesley recently accepted a job at my company … on the same team, in the same city. He’s starting work in a couple weeks. We’ll see each other regularly, but as our department does project-based work it’s possible (but not guaranteed) that we would never have to work together. But if we do, I’ll be his manager. He’s a nice guy and I’m not concerned about being colleagues in the same department, but if I had to manage his work I’m concerned about potential awkwardness or perception of bias. I’m guessing he’d also find it pretty uncomfortable.

Our HR has nothing to do with staffing on projects and I’m not eager to involve them. Should I have a conversation with my boss? I’m envisioning something brief and to-the-point, where I share that Wesley and I know each other from a few years ago and that although I feel we can be professional, friendly colleagues, I wouldn’t feel comfortable managing him directly. My boss is involved in project resourcing decisions and I’m hoping she could (without divulging to others the reason why) ensure that Wesley and I aren’t assigned to the same work.

One friend has suggested I’m overthinking this, and that it’s not a big deal at all — I should proceed as if Wesley and I had no prior connection, and if we end up getting staffed together, just manage his work as I would for any other team member. What do you think?

You should not manage the work of someone you used to date, no matter how briefly. There’s too much potential for complications or the appearance of partiality. (For example, look at this similar — although not entirely the same — situation from someone on the other side of it.) And if there is any weirdness (on either side) and it comes out later that you didn’t disclose the past relationship before agreeing to supervise his work, that’s likely to reflect badly on you.

But talking to your boss doesn’t need to be a huge or awkward thing. You can just say, “Weirdly enough, I briefly dated Wesley a few years ago — nothing serious, but given that, I don’t think I should supervise his work.”

2. My employee gave me cash for a holiday gift

I own a small retail business with four part-time employees. We gave our employees a cash bonus for the holidays and to thank them for their hard work during the year.

About five days later, one of our employees presented me with a gift basket and $50 cash! I was surprised in the moment and said all the “oh you don’t have to’s,” etc. But ultimately I ended up thanking her and taking it, as it seemed it would be more awkward in that moment to decline. The basket I could somewhat be okay with but the cash definitely not.

How should I have better handled this? I definitely didn’t want her spending her money to give me a gift. And how do I stop this from happening next year? I’m so glad she liked us enough and was so generous, but it still feels a little icky.

Taking cash from an employee is a really bad look, even though you tried not to, and it’s not too late to undo it now! Bring the cash back to her today and say, “I thought about this over the holidays and I cannot accept it. I really appreciate the thought and intent, but I can’t accept money from an employee. So I’m returning it to you — it’s not up for debate — and I hope you had a wonderful holiday.”

Even if this feels awkward, you’ve got to do it. It’s one thing to accept a gift from an employee, but money is a whole different ballpark. If other employees hear about it, it risks affecting their assessment of your ethics and integrity. And if someone happens to think the gift giver gets the best schedule or any other kind of special treatment and also knows about the cash, it’s really bad.

Here’s advice on heading it off next year.

3. HR manager has a life-sized image of Ron DeSantis on display

A close friend works at a private, medium-sized company in Florida with a large workforce both locally and remotely around the country. The company’s HR manager maintains a life-size cardboard cutout of the state’s governor on prominent display in their office. I think it’s fair to say this governor is a highly divisive figure with national significance. The HR manager and others on the leadership team ares open about their partisan orientation in other ways as well.

An HR manager is responsible for the well-being of all employees, so a display of political orientation strikes me as exceptionally unprofessional. The divisive nature of party affiliation in the country is reason enough to avoid such identification in the workplace. The Florida governor and presidential candidate has made “anti-wokeness” a central part of his governing philosophy. Much of that energy is directed at demonizing and othering LGBTQ people.

How can the company provide a welcoming, supportive, and fair workplace when employees have to stand in the glare of this governor’s effigy to report a workplace issue? What message does it send to LGBTQ employees?

It can’t. By design, that cutout tells a whole range of employees that their concerns won’t get a fair or supportive hearing at the company — which would be a problem for any role but is an especially serious problem when it’s in the office of the person you’re supposed to rely on if you need to report of harassment or discrimination, request accommodations, or hope to be treated fairly during an investigation. You’re expected to feel comfortable reporting, for example, harassment for being LGBTQ while a massive image of DeSantis looms over you? Not going to happen — again, by design. And that’s going to be true from now on even if they take it down.

The fact that the company has allowed it tells your friend all she needs to know about where she’s working.

4. I lied about a meeting

I’m relatively new to my job (eight months) and in a new field. During a WFH day, I missed an important after-hours email delegating work on a project with a tight timeline. It was subsequently buried in a pile of emails from other project members. My lack of response didn’t hold the project up, but it made me and my boss look bad. The following day, I got a talking to about communication. I apologized and took accountability for the mistake.

What I’m still kicking myself for is I confirmed that I met with a project leader in my boss’s stead that day. I did not do this. I felt like I had to save face from looking like I completely dropped the ball, which I absolutely did, and nodding and saying “yep!” was easier than explaining otherwise. The lie probably won’t come up again, but it could, and I feel a lot of shame for both the lie and the initial mess-up. Do I tell my boss?

Oh no. How likely is that the missed meeting won’t come up in some other way in the future? If there’s any chance it will — or if it would harm the work not to let your boss know the truth — you need to come clean about it. You could phrase it as, “I realized after we spoke that I left with you the impression that I attended the X meeting in your stead; I want to be up-front that I did not, which I realize is part of the exact problem you spoke to me about. My plan for making sure this never happens in the future is…”

Even if it’s unlikely to come up again and there’s no actual harm done … well, maybe you can get away with not saying anything now, but if your boss ever does realize it in the future, it’s going to look a lot worse that you lied about attending than if you set the record straight right away. So even in that situation, ideally you’d still clear it up.

For what it’s worth: the instinct to lie because it was easier in the moment is a bigger deal than the initial mess-up. It’s worth spending some time thinking about how that happened and how to make sure you don’t in the future. (One possible motivator is thinking about how much harder it’s made the situation now.)

Read an update to this letter.

5. The small business advice group I joined needs too much from me

I have a full-time job but also I started a small business in 2021 based on a craft that I love and am passionate about.

It’s been a rough year for small businesses, and I’m autistic and ADHD, so I have definitely been struggling to build my business. A local nonprofit has a mentorship and business support program for small businesses and I signed up.

Unfortunately it take so much of my time and energy that I’m wasting their time and mine, and I’ve been trying to back out. There’s a two-hour zoom meeting every other Monday with the small business coach, who is great, but honestly the meetings are just everyone chatting about their businesses and nothing new is presented. Add to that, I work in a call center from home, so I have to constantly mute myself on zoom to take a call. It’s very stressful for me. I didn’t know any of this when I signed up.

I did try to back out but got a guilt trip from the organizer. I brought up dropping out with the coach and he talked me into keeping on. But also the other business owners have a restaurant, a hair coloring business, basically real businesses and not a crafting business selling on Etsy. I feel like they need the coaching because they are trying to earn a living where mine’s just a side gig.

Now I really need to stop participating, but I don’t know how. They’re starting to talk about moving to “phase two” of the program, which sounds like it’ll be more of the same.

If you want to drop out, you get to drop out! The organizer might see part of their job as to convince you to stay, but that doesn’t mean you have to agree.

Do it by email since you’ve had trouble resisting their entreaties in the past — and because really, this doesn’t need to be a back-and-forth conversation — and say this: “Thank you so much for all the time and support you’ve given me during this program. Unfortunately my schedule no longer allows me to participate so I am withdrawing, effective immediately, and will not be in further meetings. Best of luck with all the work you’re doing.”

That assumes you just want to withdraw and don’t want to get into the reasons why. But if you want to give feedback about why it didn’t work for you, you can! Just know that if you do, you should be prepared for them to try to find ways to make it work for you or otherwise overcome your objections, so you’d want to be prepared to hold firm with, “I appreciate you trying to make it work for me, but I do need to withdraw.”

my new hire’s office looks like a dark, flickering bat cave … and is scaring off patrons

by Alison Green on January 3, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m the manager of a public-facing team where each of us has a private office with windows looking out onto a forest and meadow. The offices surround a work area for the general public. There is a break room on a different floor for meals and breaks.

The direction I’ve provided to team members is that the default is to leave their doors open most of the time, except when meeting with patrons either in person or via Zoom, or when on the phone. The idea is for our offices to feel welcoming to patrons whether or not they have appointments. The nature of our work is to prioritize serving people over other assigned work, so deadlines are flexible.

We recently hired a new team member, John, and I shared these general office guidelines. He went into his office and immediately turned off all the overhead lights and closed all the blinds on the windows. The only source of faint illumination was his computer, which he had set to dark mode. He did leave his door open, but he was not visible in the darkness. I told him he needed to have more light in his office so that patrons could see him, and he reluctantly agreed to turn on the overhead lights.

Later in the week, I came in to work and saw that John’s office was again pitch black, but this time with what looked like flickering candlelight. Yes, he had lit candles, and I patiently explained all the safety issues involved with live flame. He asked if he could bring in lamps from home for illumination, and I said yes, so long as he also kept the blinds open for natural light. He complied for a bit, but relapsed by closing all the blinds and just having dim lamps on. I noticed that he would barely crack open one set of blinds whenever he had an in-person appointment.

Needless to say, the number of drop-ins he receives is significantly lower than his peers. Recently I fielded a complaint from a patron who balked at making an appointment with “that guy in the creepy dark office.”

I met one-to-one with John and outlined my expectations for maintaining a well-lit, professional office space that is welcoming to patrons. I emphasized the public service nature of our work. He argued with me and said that it was none of my business how he worked in his office, so now things have escalated to a written notice. [That’s the step before formally starting a corrective action process. The notice outlines the expectations and the reasons for those expectations (serving the public), records the dates when we discussed the matter, provides examples of non-compliance, and repeats the request for compliance.]

The sad part is that he’s a really smart and talented worker, and outside of the dark bat cave office that makes patrons reluctant to approach him, his work is generally good. I’ve asked him to help me understand why he feels he needs to work in darkness, and he says he doesn’t know, he just that he prefers it that way.

I’m at a loss. If fielding drop-in patron questions wasn’t a part of his job, I probably could figure out a way to accommodate him, but right now, his pitch-black office really stands out, and not in a good way. I really don’t want to have to pursue corrective action because this is his first job out of college and I want to help him be successful. Thoughts?

This is his first job out of college, you’ve told him repeatedly that his office needs to be sufficiently well-lit so patrons will approach him, and he’s flatly refusing anyway and arguing that it’s none of your business? That … doesn’t bode well.

It would be different if John had a need for a medical accommodation, but you’ve given him the opportunity to say he needs that, and he hasn’t. If his only reason is “I just prefer it that way” … well, there are lots of things people prefer that they still can’t do at many jobs, from spending the day in pajamas to blasting death metal while working.

To be clear, good managers do try to accommodate employees’ personal preferences when they can do it without significantly affecting the work, clients, or other employees. But in this case, you have evidence that patrons are reluctant to approach John when his office is dark — their direct complaints, as well as hard numbers showing he’s receiving fewer visits than his colleagues do.

It’s great that you want to help John be successful, but the best way to do that is to be really, really clear with him that this isn’t optional and why. Go back to him and say this: “I need to be really clear with you. Keeping your office well-lit so patrons are comfortable approaching you is not optional. It’s a requirement of your job because it directly impacts our patron service and it causes your coworkers to have to take on more than their fair share of work. If there’s a medical condition affecting your ability to follow this rule, we can talk about how to proceed, but otherwise I do need you to follow our lighting requirements consistently. If you don’t, the next step would be starting formal disciplinary action, the consequences of which could include firing you. I don’t want to go down that path if we can avoid it, so can you affirm for me that you understand this requirement and will follow it?”

Hopefully he’ll get the message. But if he doesn’t, keep in mind that “helping him be successful” includes “providing clear and unequivocal information about the requirements of his job and holding him accountable to meeting those.” You’re doing him no favors if you let him go to his next job thinking there are no consequences to just declining anything he doesn’t want to do.

the employee I just promoted wants to step down

by Alison Green on January 3, 2024

A reader writes:

I promoted one of my employees to manage her department about 10 weeks ago. This is her first management job and she has done an amazing job in her new role — implementing much-needed changes and efficiencies while gaining the respect of her entire team. This was verified in a recent anonymous 360 review where her direct reports had glowing things to say about her and generally made it clear that she was much more effective in that role than I had been. (And they’re right — she’s fantastic! She’s accomplished more for the department in 10 weeks than I did in the 10 months prior.)

She’s now come to me saying she thinks she’s not doing well in the position, she believes the team doesn’t think she’s doing well, and she wants to step down from her management position. I’ve asked her to give me a few days before we decide how to proceed, but I’m at a loss on how to help her. I’ve given her regular feedback since she was promoted and passed on the kudos from other departments and her employees. We’ve worked together to address any tricky situations that have come up so she had an experienced manager backing her up for tough conversations.

My impression is that she’s letting “imposter syndrome” get to her and is about to step down from a role that she is really, truly phenomenal at. I’m at a loss about how to help her through this, gain self confidence, and believe that everyone around her isn’t lying about how well she’s doing. She has a bright future ahead of her if she can get past this, but how can I help her do that?

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

My employee calls me “buttercup”
My coworker wants to “standardize” email subject lines
How to tell a networking contact they’re not qualified for the job they’re interested in

am I just a sympathy hire with no real skills?

by Alison Green on January 3, 2024

A reader writes:

I am in my late 20’s and have had what some may consider a “tough” life. I’ve overcome a few obstacles (think addiction, gang violence, prison, broken family, homelessness, etc.). A big part of my personal life involves using public platforms to share my story. Before I turned my life around, I was a very unwell person who did a lot of harm. I am far from perfect, but I try to make amends daily.

When I share my journey, I feel I contribute to a greater purpose. Helping others is simply my small piece to make the world a bit better, reduce stigmas, and let people know it can get better.

I have worked at a (privately owned) company for over five years and my story is known, especially with senior management with whom I have developed close relationships. The field I work in is not related to mental health or addiction, but, as with many privately owned companies, boundaries can get a bit blurry. (For example, I’ve provided multiple staff members with guidance when they have approached me about a struggling loved one, which I’m more than happy to do. It’s never interfered with work.)

There are no measurable KPI’s indicating my success, but I’m liked overall and my past “hustle mentality” has allowed me to cultivate a strong work ethic. If I don’t know how to do something (which I often don’t), I will Google it and figure it out if it’s the last thing I do.

Over the years, I learned as I went, was promoted to management, built a team, and received a pay increase that exceeds 70%. I am also a full-time student. I am blessed beyond belief and so grateful for all the personal support at my company.

Throughout my personal struggles, I developed an ability to read people, tone match, identify who is important to connect with, and basically … “fake it till you make it.” In any given moment, I can be exactly who you want me to be, and I can do whatever is required of me. In my past, these were essential survival skills used to fuel my addiction, make money, and keep a roof over my head. These days, my intention is to truly help people (personally or professionally) and work hard, but these skills feel manipulative. I often feel like I’ve been successful at this company because of my ability to connect with the right stakeholders on a personal level and because they feel bad for me.

I only have soft skills, and it’s simply my ability to genuinely connect with people.

Recently, I have considered starting a side business (think freelance work with small business owners) and it’s something I’m passionate about! Plus, I could see it being scalable. But I’m facing big mental barriers holding me back.

Every time I make progress, what I’m guessing is imposter syndrome interferes. It’s thoughts I assume other people have about me, such as:

– “She’s only been successful in the past due to her soft skills and ability to connect with the right people – she can’t provide any actual value.”

– “She has no measurable metrics signaling high performance.”

– “She is just the token hire at this company, so why try? Everyone just loves a ‘comeback’ story, and every company needs a ‘personality hire.’”

– “There are other people in this field who are way better, with degrees.”

– “She has no measurable metrics signaling high performance.”

On a personal level, I am well supported with friends and therapy to work through low self-esteem and trauma. But from a career perspective … I’m feeling stuck.

On one hand, I want to listen to these thoughts and stay in my lane. But on the other hand, I realize that I’ve done some way riskier and scarier shit over the course of my life than trying a new endeavor. Do you have any advice?

The thoughts in your brain don’t line up with the facts in your life!

If you were just employed because of your comeback story, it’s really, really unlikely that you would have been promoted to management, built a team, and received those enormous pay raises. That’s just … not a thing that typically happens. Sure, occasionally someone gets hired out of sympathy, although it’s relatively rare since businesses aren’t charities. (Even charities aren’t usually charities when it comes to their hiring! They need to hire people who will help them meet their goals, not just someone in need, unless their charitable mission is literally to provide jobs.) But people hired because they inspired sympathy don’t tend to get promoted and receive massive raises if their work doesn’t warrant it. (Or if they do, there’s some unusually serious dysfunction and bad judgment above them. Does that line up with what you know of your company?)

And it’s definitely not true that “every company needs a ‘personality hire.’” That’s also not a thing. If your brain is telling you otherwise, your brain is undermining you.

You’re also devaluing soft skills. Soft skills are really important — they help you understand other people’s priorities, allow you to better “translate” between parties (“Rick is saying X but I can tell Jane is hearing Y”), make people more willing to approach you for help, make other people’s jobs more pleasant, and on and on. But it’s also unlikely that you only have soft skills. If you did, I doubt you would have been able to build a team or accomplish the other things you’ve done in this job. Which leads us to…

It’s true that some jobs don’t lend themselves to easy quantitative metrics (like “increased customer base by X” or “raised $Y”). But all jobs lend themselves to qualitative metrics, and it sounds like it would be useful to think about those. Examples of meaningful qualitative measures include things like “service X regularly draws unsolicited praise from people who use it”; “all event logistics run smoothly, meaning no lines at the check-in tables, seamless transitions between speakers, and AV equipment is glitch-free”; and “revamp our trainings so that all staff feel comfortable using our software to do their jobs effectively, as measured by an annual survey.” These are largely qualitative, but still establish a bar for expectations and a standard by which reasonable people can agree on how well you’re doing. Ideally your manager would be working with you to develop those metrics so that you’re all on the same page about what success looks like in your role, but you can create them on your own too — and it sounds like that would help you accept that you’re doing well.

Also: if your manager were talking about why she was glad to have you on staff, what would she say? What about coworkers who seem to appreciate your work? Have you brought something new to your work that’s different than what was being done before? Made improvements or done something that got better results than your employer had been getting before that? What’s been the outcome of your actions? Try imagining someone who’s fairly mediocre at your job. What would be different about how they operate from how you operate? All of these questions can point you toward a framework for understanding why you’re successful and what you’ve achieved.

But backing up a bit, all of this is coming up because you’re nervous about starting a side business. Your brain is giving you a bunch of reasons to hold back … but, frankly, all of those reasons suck (for the reasons above). So first, I think you should think about why your brain wants to hold you back. Maybe it’s just imposter syndrome, as you say, but the thoughts you’ve described seem like more than that: you’re actively insulting and devaluing yourself.

You mentioned you’re in therapy in part for low self-esteem; this thinking is almost certainly part of that, so it’s a good thing to bring up with your therapist. Questions that could be interesting to explore in therapy, if you haven’t already: Why does it feel safer to let yourself believe you don’t have much to offer? Where did you pick up the idea that you don’t? (Family of origin, I’m betting.) When you imagine moving forward with confidence, what feels scary about that? Is it the risk of the rug getting pulled out from under you? What would happen if that happened? If it turned out you did overvalue your own skills, does whatever outcome you’re afraid of there match up with the likely outcome?

On a more practical note, the good thing about freelancing is that you’ll be literally taking your skills to the open market and seeing how much other people value them; it’s a lot harder to hide a lack of substance as a freelancer. My hunch is that you’ll find out people value your skills a lot more than you think they will. Why not test it and find out?

new boss says job now requires constant travel, employee chewing tobacco at his desk, and more

by Alison Green on January 3, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. New boss says job now requires constant travel

My husband recently started at a new company, a start-up. I worked in HR for almost 20 years and made sure he asked all the right questions, especially about nights, weekends, and holidays as I’ve worked for a start-up and knew the drill.

They assured him not to worry, none of that would be asked of him in his position. Cut to six weeks ago, they changed the script with a new boss they hired who’s telling my husband he wants him to start traveling 48 weeks a year. My husband declined, especially as my disabled elderly father was moving in. He explained to the new boss that’s not what he was hired for, not in his job description, and he was not interested, which he made clear through the interview process.

My husband came home Wednesday with the news he’s being sent to Canada, will miss the holidays, his birthday, and our daughter’s birthday. Is this legal? He signed his job description that did not mention travel, asked all the right questions, and made his stance known. In my time in HR we never deviated from the job description as that opened us up to liability. I’ve been out of the game for the last year but could things have changed so fast?

It’s legal, but it’s ridiculous.

Assuming you’re in the U.S., employers aren’t required to stick to what’s listed in a written job description; they can change job duties, including travel, at any time. When you say you were trained that deviating from a job description could open you up to liability, it’s more complicated than that: it’s not that it’s illegal to change someone’s responsibilities, but rather than in some cases it can cause other problems. For example, if you’re hired to do A and B and then told you have to do C as well, but you’re the only one with your job description that’s required of and you also happen to be the only person on your team of Race X/Gender Y/Religion Z, in theory you now could have more ammunition to claim the differing requirements are discriminatory (i.e., that your company is singling you out because of your membership in a protected class). Or, if you request medical accommodations and your company refuses, saying those accommodations would make it impossible for you to do New Job Duty Z, and there’s no documentation that Z was ever a key part of your job, it will be easier for you to sue and argue that Z isn’t an essential duty. So it’s not that deviating from a job description is illegal; rather, it’s just smarter for companies to maintain accurate, updated job descriptions.

But it’s normal for duties to change, and sometimes travel requirements need to change too. However, telling someone who was hired into a low-travel job that, surprise, they’ll now need to travel 48 weeks a year — while legal — is incredibly bad management. If a job genuinely needs to change in that way — which would be rare — you don’t just announce it; you assume it’s likely to be impossible for the person and you have an actual conversation about it (and you’re prepared to hear that it’s a no-go for them, and you’ve thought through what to do if that happens).

Your husband should go over his new boss’s head to try to get this worked out.

2. A mandatory buddy system for women

The nature of my job requires me to undergo a specific kind of health screening periodically. I change into a hospital gown, then sit alone in a room while a technician operates equipment remotely. Nothing invasive, it’s about on the level of an MRI scan — the operator never touches me or sees more of my body than my other coworkers do. It is done on campus in a building with no other function or staff besides the operator.

The operator is male. When he arranges these screenings, he requires that women bring another female colleague along as a chaperone. I bristle a little at this — I think it’s great to give that option or suggestion, but I don’t personally feel the need to have a chaperone and I resent, a little, the idea that it’s for the protection of the operator against false accusations. I generally just bring someone along anyway, but what’s your take on this? Is it a reasonable and sensible thing to require of female staff? Worth flagging to someone as a concern? Neither really?

Yeah, if he’s requiring it, as opposed to offering it, it sure seems like it’s about protecting him from false accusations — but only from women. Which is gross, and even more so since he’s putting the burden on you to find someone to bring. If he wants to do that, he should (a) require it of everyone, not just put that burden on women and (b) get the blessing of management above him, rather than imposing that requirement on his own. (Of course, maybe he’s done the latter already, who knows. Hell, maybe it even comes from someone above him.)

Whether to raise it depends on how much you’re bothered by it. It’s not at the level of “must escalate” but it’s certainly reasonable to if you feel strongly about it.

3. Employee is chewing tobacco at his desk and in meetings

One of my employees is chewing tobacco at his desk and during meetings. Our company has a smoking policy that stipulates smoking (including chewing tobacco) is only permitted in designated areas outside. I’m new to this role (three months) and haven’t established a great connection with this employee yet so I’m unsure as to how to approach this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

As with yesterday’s letter about the spouse hanging around when he picked up an employee, you just need to be direct and matter-of-fact. Assume your employee doesn’t realize he’s breaking a policy and be straightforward about letting him know, the same way you (hopefully!) would if he were messing up the way he entered his vacation hours or doing something that was breaking the copier. So: “Bob, the company doesn’t permit chewing tobacco inside, only in the designated smoking areas outside. You can’t use it inside the building at all.”

Also! It’s worth asking why you haven’t done that yet. Are you nervous about giving employees direction/correction in general? (If so, that’s a big deal for a manager and you’ve got to work on it!) Is there something about Bob that makes you worry he’ll react badly? (If so, dig into that more and figure out where it’s coming from — are there issues with Bob you need to take on more directly?) Are you worried he’ll have a response that you don’t know how to respond to? (If so, try scripting out some possibilities ahead of time so you feel more prepared.) Something is making you hesitant to speak up, and it’ll help to figure out what it is.

4. My employer wants documentation from my other job

I have two jobs. Can one employer ask me for documentation from the other employer to confirm that they require X days notice for availability for the following week? My stating this to them wasn’t sufficient; they need the other employer to confirm this. I feel this is very inappropriate and over-reaching of them to ask.

It’s legal to require it, but yes, it’s over-reaching. It’s also silly; either they can accommodate that scheduling set-up or they can’t, regardless of whether they get confirmation from the other job. That said, if you want to keep both jobs, the path of least resistance is probably just to provide the documentation, aggravating as it is.

5. Am I annoying this HR manager by contacting her every time I apply?

I’ve been applying for jobs at a large production company throughout this past year (they’ve had several that match my skill set and experience, maybe six in the past year that I’ve applied for and sadly got rejected from). Each time I’ve applied, I have reached out to their HR manager expressing my enthusiasm for the position and to see if she could help flag my application for the hiring team. Each time she has replied, (kindly) stating that she will flag my application. My questions are (1) am I being annoying by reaching out the the HR manager every time I apply? and (2) does it come across as a red flag that I’ve applied for some many positions (all in a similar creative field) in the past year?

(1) Yes. (2) No.

It’s not a big deal to apply for six very similar positions in a year, assuming you’re reasonably qualified for them. But yes, it’s annoying to contact the HR person about it every time.

It’s also clearly not particularly helpful, so it doesn’t make sense to keep doing it! The hiring team knows you’re interested because you’ve applied, and it doesn’t sound like the HR manager has any special information about you that would allow her to add anything to your application other than “this person contacted me,” which isn’t a compelling addition.

I feel weird telling coworkers I live with my parents in my 30s

by Alison Green on January 2, 2024

A reader writes:

I graduated into the recession and took some time to find a job. As a result, after living in an apartment in college, I moved back home. My initial job was much lower-paying than I’d hoped for and I owed student loans, so I couldn’t move out right away. And so on.

Cut to now, I’m in my mid-30s, a high-level manager in a good-paying job, and I still live in my childhood bedroom. At this point it’s for multiple reasons: I’m single, I have no desire to have a roommate, and it’s not good for my mental health to live alone. I’m not a mooch; I pay decent rent and provide to the general household. My parents work odd hours so I cook dinner most nights and buy groceries and other needs on top of rent.

I don’t know what to say or how to address (or dance around) my living situation if it comes up at work. I have subordinates who are younger than me who live on their own. I have an awful commute, so from that perspective it doesn’t make sense for me to live where I live. And I make good money! But most of my friends and family live nearby, I’m happy having a support network in my house, and I don’t want to live with a random roommate.

How do I address this if it comes up? Do I just never talk about my home life? Do I lie? My industry is pretty big on building personal relationships (for good reason) so I can’t really just avoid the topic forever. Previously my supervisors and some coworkers knew my situation, but I’m with new coworkers in a new division at work after my promotion to the senior level, so nobody in my current area knows much about me yet.

You like your situation, you’re happy with it, and it works for you. I say own it!

People are likely to take their cues from you. If you sound embarrassed when you say you live with your parents, they’re more likely to think there’s something embarrassing about it, or that you see it as a failing in some way and so they should too. But if you embrace it, they’re a lot less likely to take it that way.

This works with all kinds of things! It’s the difference between responding to “what did you do for New Year’s Eve?” with an embarrassed-sounding “oh nothing, I couldn’t find anything to do” versus “I stayed home and watched movies and gorged myself on cheese and it was amazing! Highly recommended.”

In fact, I’d argue it’s a social good to openly and enthusiastically embrace stuff you genuinely like but which society is weird about — whether it’s living with your parents or being a hermit or loving polka music or having separate bedrooms when you’re married or whatever — because the more people who are like “I do X and it’s awesome!” rather than treating X like a dirty secret, the more comfortable other people will be doing X. That’s especially true when you have workplace capital to spend, which as a high-level manager in a good-paying job you probably do.

So:

* “My parents and I live together!” (said in an enthusiastic tone)
* “I share a house with my parents!”
* “I share a house with my parents and it’s awesome!”
* “My parents live with me — it’s really nice.” (I think “my parents live with me” rather than “I live with my parents” is an interesting linguistic swap.)
* “I share a house with family; we all like each other so it’s worked out well.”

You will probably get some “I could never do that” type comments, and that’s okay! You can respond, “Yeah, it’s not for everyone, but it works really well for us!” And that’s it. Don’t feel you have to hide it or justify it. This is how you live, you like it, and that’s fine.

I manage someone who wants more praise from his own employees

by Alison Green on January 2, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m an executive. One of my direct reports (a manager) is frustrated that his team doesn’t acknowledge his input/skills/expertise. It’s as though he wants his team to give him positive feedback and validation. My feeling is that it’s very unlikely to happen. Even great managers don’t often hear their team say, “Thanks for the great job you do managing me.”

I provide consistent positive, specific feedback on his work. But I don’t understand his motivation, or how to help him see his expectations aren’t realistic. He says things things like:

“My team are negative. I want them to focus on the positive work we’ve done.” (referring to when they suggest improvements)
“I work up an idea, delegate the implementation, then they take the credit as though it was their own idea.”
“They never say anything nice to me about my management, even though I constantly give them positive feedback, opportunities, etc.”

I reiterated that his team, and the organization, have a huge amount of respect for him and his skill set, and that as his manager, I see all those things he feels his team miss. His team is high performing.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

I think my boss is ChatGPT

by Alison Green on January 2, 2024

A reader writes:

I started a new executive-level position with a young-ish start-up a few months ago. My boss had always seemed distracted in meetings or like he wasn’t fully listening. He has an aversion to synchronous meetings and exhibited some bizarre behavior early on when asked a clarifying question about a concept he had shared with the company (leaving a meeting abruptly and not returning).

This behavior baffled me until I typed a few prompts into ChatGPT and realized that much of what he communicates asynchronously is almost identical to the output. Then I noticed it everywhere — huge project plans that pop up out of nowhere, strange shifts in business strategy that are communicated oddly and not elaborated on further when asked … he’s … using ChatGPT for everything. He’s not being transparent about it.

This leader is very young in his career — this is his first job out of college. I can see that he’s under a lot of pressure and doesn’t feel comfortable not knowing everything. I’m much more senior in my career, and I feel like I’m doing him a disservice if I don’t share with him that what’s happening is noticeable. What do I do with this knowledge? Others are also noticing and mocking him behind his back. Historically, he has not taken feedback well.

Do I try to coach him? Run? Is this standard practice, and I’m out of date? Is this the “you won’t always have a calculator in your pocket” of our time?

Should I pose this to ChatGPT and see what happens?

The key in your letter is this: “Historically, he has not taken feedback well.”

If that weren’t the case — if he had shown humility and an interest in receiving feedback, or at least no pattern of shooting the messenger — this would still be a difficult conversation to have! In that situation, though, there might be room to attempt a conversation, not necessarily accusing him of relying on ChatGPT for all his communications but raising the issues the ChatGPT usage is causing. After all, if this were happening prior to ChatGPT’s existence, the unclear communication, bad planning, strange strategy shifts, and so forth would still be problems, and you could focus on those outcomes without speculating on the cause. If you had good rapport and a trusting relationship, you might be able to name it more directly, but that’s very relationship-dependent.

However, your boss has already shown himself not to take feedback well, so that makes it a no-go. It’s kind that you want to help him and you’re right that speaking up could be doing him a service — but he’s already shown he’s not likely to handle the conversation well. Given the power dynamic, you’re not under any obligation to make things harder for yourself professionally or cause tension just because he could benefit from it!. To the contrary, if your boss wants to benefit from feedback from the people he manages, he needs to create conditions where people know they’ll be safe providing it. He’s not done that; he’s done the opposite.

You’re not responsible for saving him from himself, and especially not when there’s a decent chance it would come at a cost to you.

And no, what you’re seeing isn’t standard practice! Keep in mind that what you’re talking about isn’t really about ChatGPT; it’s about incompetence. If your boss were competent, it wouldn’t matter if he used ChatGPT for ideas, phrasing, etc. The problem is that he sucks at his job, not that ChatGPT is the reason why. (The ChatGPT is an interesting detail! It’s just not the core of the problem.)

So what should you do? To a large extent, it depends on your sense of how things work at your company. Since others are noticing your boss’s incompetence too, is yours a company where higher-ups are likely to take a closer look at his work soon and to handle that effectively when they do? If so, the wisest course of action might be to simply wait for that to happen and see how things play out once it does. On the other hand, if your company historically drags its feet in dealing with problems and incompetent managers stay for years, you’d need to decide what the impact will be on you professionally if you keep working for him. In some jobs, he’d be easily sidestepped; in others, it would affect your day-to-day quality of life and your career progression.

There’s also a middle ground, where if you have the ear of someone senior, you might be able to discreetly tip that person off about what’s going on and trust that they’d handle it. (And again, we’re talking about the overall incompetence, and not ChatGPT itself. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t mention your ChatGPT suspicions if you tip off someone above you, but keep the focus on what really matters: he’s not doing his job well, and that’s causing specific problems X, Y, and Z.)

But raising it with your boss himself is a non-starter since he’s shown he’s unlikely take it well.

Read an update to this letter.

coworker made it obvious she didn’t want the gifts I gave her, employee’s husband hangs around, and more

by Alison Green on January 2, 2024

It’s the new year, so we’re back to regular programming! It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker made it obvious she didn’t want the gifts I gave her

I work in a corporate office and am fairly new to the organization. There is a director, Jane, who is known to be dark and moody. She is not my boss, but is above me in the hierarchy. I support her with some tasks when a colleague is out of the office.

I gave Christmas gifts to my direct boss, two colleagues, and Jane. The gifts are thoughtful and not expensive. Everyone basically got the same thing. Jane received a total of two gifts, which have been sitting unopened on her desk for several days now. She isn’t in the office today, and we are all out next week for the holiday.

I now know after reading through your website that I shouldn’t have given her a gift in the first place. However, what’s done is done. And it is obvious Jane doesn’t want gifts because she didn’t take them home and has been known to do this in the past. I guess the question is, what is the best thing to do in this situation? Leave the gifts and let it go? Or take the unopened gifts back?

Don’t take the gifts back! That would be really odd. You gave them to her, and now they’re hers to do with what she likes.

I think you’re feeling stung because it seems like she’s ostentatiously leaving them unopened on her desk to intentionally signal “I don’t care a whit about this gift” or even “I reject you and your attempt at warmth.” But it’s much better for your quality of life if you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just didn’t have a chance to open the gifts before leaving the office. And that’s okay! Not everyone prioritizes the gifts the same way. (But even if she is trying to send a rude message, that would be about her, not about you. You didn’t do anything that would warrant deliberate rudeness; even people who don’t particularly want gifts from their coworkers usually have the manners to be polite about it, and if she doesn’t, that’s on her, not you.)

If the gifts still remain there unopened for days after you’re all back in the office, ideally you’d try to see it as a funny story you can tell friends rather than a hurtful snub that needs to bother you.

2. CEO joked that we wouldn’t get extra time off if we didn’t attend the holiday party

I want to get your opinion on a “joke” that our CEO made today. I think it’s in bad taste, but I think she thinks she’s hilarious.

We had a social hour as a work holiday party. Attendance was optional, and, while most people made an appearance, a large portion of the employees didn’t. Today we got an email saying that only those people who went to the holiday party were getting an extra day off around Christmas. About 30 minutes later, we got a follow-up email saying that it was a joke and everyone was getting the extra day.

If it was all in one email, I would probably roll my eyes and do the fake laugh of “sure … that was definitely funny…” But the 30-minute gap was long enough for people to get really angry and stop working on things to talk about it. (And to get to talking about looking for new jobs.)

I appreciate the extra day off! But am I off-base for thinking that the initial email saying that only the party attendees get the day was way off-base and not how they should have handled it?

You are not off-base! Why would that even be a joke? What exactly is the joke, just “ha ha, I’m bitter that some of you didn’t attend the party and wouldn’t it be funny if I penalized you for it?” Hilarious.

There are managers who think it’s okay to “joke” by lying about people’s pay/jobs/vacation time/other important things their authority gives them control over, but in this case I suspect it wasn’t even a joke originally! I wouldn’t be surprised if she meant it originally but, after getting blow-back, quickly backtracked by claiming she was only kidding.

3. Employee’s husband hangs around when he picks her up from work

I own a small business and recently have been having issues with an employee whose husband picks her up from work. He shows up about 15 minutes before the end of her shift. And at least once, he went and stood behind the cash counter while waiting for her! He was also watching her do the entire closing the cash procedure, which I don’t think it is appropriate. I’d like to stop this from happening again! Please help me word this.

Be straightforward! “Jane, when your husband picks you up, he needs to wait in the customer area — he cannot be behind the counter. He also can’t be in the store after we’ve closed and needs to wait outside or in the parking lot.”

I think you’re feeling weird about this because it’s so obvious to you that it’s not okay and thus since it’s happening anyway, it feels like it will need to be a Big Awkward Conversation. But instead, just treat it like any other work instruction: be direct and matter-of-fact and assume she simply doesn’t know and will comply once she does.

Also, if you get the sense she’s going to be uncomfortable enforcing this herself, you can do it yourself if you’re around — it’s fine to you to simply intervene and say, “Oh, we don’t allow non-employees in this area so you need to wait over there” or “we can’t have non-employees inside after closing, so we need you to wait outside.”

4. Should I leave my language skills off my resume?

I speak 8 to 10 languages and I’ve been applying for graphic design jobs, but I never get many interviews even though I list the languages that I know on my resume.

I’ve been reading articles on how being multilingual would land high-paying jobs of all sorts, but it’s never gotten me any. Should I avoid listing my multiple language skills on my resume just to make recruiters feel secure and ask me for interviews, especially in my field?

Being multilingual can help you land jobs when you’d be using those languages in your work. If you wouldn’t be, languages are more in the category of “interesting fact,” not a job qualification that will get you hired.

It’s possible that some of the languages you speak would help with some of the jobs you’re applying for, but it’s also possible or even likely that they wouldn’t, since there are a lot of graphic design jobs in the U.S. (frankly, probably most of them) where you don’t need any language other than English. It’s similar to if you were a competitive baker or a wiz at pivot tables: those are both interesting and useful skills, but if they’re not skills you’ll be using on the job, they don’t strengthen your candidacy. Your track record in graphic design will be what matters.

This isn’t about recruiters feeling secure, either! It’s just about them assessing you on the skills that matter for the specific jobs you’re applying for. (And to be clear, language skills are indeed generally useful in life! But that’s different than being useful in every job.)

5. Submitting poetry from my work email account

As well as working part-time, I am also a poet. Recently I submitted some of my work to a publisher that was seeking submissions and without thinking used my work email account. Afterwards I started second-guessing myself and wondering if this was inappropriate. It’s too late to change my submission, but should I make sure to use a personal account or is this something that shouldn’t matter?

Always apply to things like that from your personal email. It’s not so much that a publisher will think “how outrageous that this person used their work email to submit a poem,” but replies from publishers are usually measured in months, not days, and what if you’re no longer at that job by the time they reply? You might have no plans to leave, but there’s no guarantee you’ll still be there a few months from now (layoffs happen, etc.). Using a personal email address that’s fully under your control ensures you’ll receive their response no matter when it comes.

On top of that, a lot of employers frown on using work email for personal business. Some don’t care … but if you do it a lot and they happen to notice, some will feel that it’s a sign that you weren’t fully engaged in your work. A single email like the one you described isn’t likely to be a big deal, but doing it regularly can look off. (And employers do have the ability to review what emails you send out on their systems, and sometimes will see them for reasons that have nothing to do with you.)