Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. An abusive volunteer is holding our website hostage

As it turns out, I wasn’t as generic in my description as I thought I was, and there are at least three AAM fans in my organization that recognized me! Oops. Anyway, patience is not one of my innate strengths and I know I have a tendency to go “f*ck it, we’re making a decision” too early in the decision-making process, so it was nice to hear from you and the comments section that my personal opinion of “he’s got to go” is what we need to do. (I’ve been trying to get this guy gone since 2021!)

Within a month of my letter, three of the four of us primarily involved in this went on previously-scheduled vacations. We’re scattered over the country so aligning with time zones is difficult enough during the week and aligning with life on the weekends is just as challenging. (Fergus and I are four hours apart!) Fergus wrote up a request for volunteers but as far as I know, no one’s volunteered. I’ve reached out to the two other members I’ve been working with about having the conversation we said we were going to have with Fergus and no luck. By this point, I’m so frustrated by the lack of follow-through that I’ve completely given up. I can’t unilaterally remove the guy and seemingly no one else is giving this situation the same priority as I am. (The next person to complain to me about Fergus is probably going to get an earful about how if they aren’t willing to contribute to the solution, I’m not going to listen to them complain about the problem.)

Regarding the question of “what would you do if Fergus was hit by a car/dropped off the grid/disappeared in a fit of pique tomorrow,” you and a decent portion of the comments section included suggestions for tools to help build a new site and to copy information from the current site and am I deeply thankful for all the advice! I was, however, absolutely unsuccessful in getting any of them to work. Problem definitely exists between keyboard and chair, LOL. I have been teaching myself WordPress but it’s kind of a successful failure: copying information over by hand is slow-going and I’m held back by not knowing how any of the behind-the-scenes stuff is set up anyway, so while I can (eventually) make a beautiful WordPress site, it’ll be nothing but text and pictures with no ability for the treasurer to do anything. If I felt others cared as much as I did about this, I’d be willing to fling personal funds at the problem to hire someone who knows what they’re doing, but since no one else seems to care, why should I spend money out of my pocket?

So this is where I leave everyone, with the very unsatisfying update of nothing has changed, nothing looks like it will be changed, and your intrepid anti-heroine is left defeated. However, should something change, I promise I’ll keep everyone posted.

2. I think I’m about to become a receptionist against my will (first update)

The “surprise me” button on your website recently showed me my own post, and there were a few interesting developments, so I thought you might be interested in one last update!

I didn’t mention this in my final letter, but when I got laid off I was starting to try to leave anyway. My commute was horrific, I was getting zero benefits or PTO, and the office admin was a bully who’d convinced the office manager that I was a slacker who couldn’t be trusted to do any work without aggressive micromanagement from both of them (which I suspect contributed to no one being willing to push back on me being saddled with the reception work). Saying I was “sad to go” was just me trying to be positive about the experience during March 2020 chaos — it was actually a huge relief.

The job I got later that year was a similar short-term setup and during onboarding I mentioned to the HR rep that under the previous company I hadn’t even gotten paid for federal/statutory holidays. She told me to immediately contact the Ministry of Labour because apparently in Canada that’s SUPER against the rules (I’d lived in the U.S. for most of my life so I was totally clueless and honestly hadn’t questioned it when the company assured me it was the norm). I filed a claim and they didn’t even fight it, and I had a nice check within a few weeks.

It’s so funny that I came across my letter today, because I get emails from Glassdoor when new reviews are posted for companies I’ve reviewed and one just came through my inbox advising office admins in that city to “run for their lives” because the reviewer had gotten pretty much the exact same treatment.

So I guess if nothing else I know it wasn’t just me! Plus, I’m now more likely to investigate when something about my pay seems hinky, in retrospect it was pretty naive of me to think “if it was illegal they wouldn’t do it” until a literal HR professional outright told me it was wage theft.

3. Interview anxiety that I can’t overcome — what are my options? (#3 at the link)

In short, my update is that I’ve pretty much decided to stop looking for a new job! Not long after writing to you, I finally pushed myself to seek counseling, which was hard but really helpful in helping me to dig a bit deeper into my anxiety and helped me conclude that I’m happy to stay where I am for a while and focus on some personal goals; I have great benefits, a very good salary for the amount of work I do, and can work pretty much whenever I want! I turn 30 soon and whilst younger me was incredibly motivated and eager to advance and I’m getting used to the fact that it’s okay to not have a remarkable career, I still have a lot of work to do and still feel unhappy at my job but knowing that there’s some pretty strong positives has really helped shift my mindset and mood.

Oh, and I did have not one but two good interviews in the summer that I smashed! Both made it clear what I needed to revise on for the interviews and gave good feedback, and whilst I didn’t get an offer, I’m only slightly miffed about missing out on one of them!

4. Returning heavy office furniture when resigning (#3 at the link)

Not much of an update on this one. I ended up not getting offered the job (which was okay — there ended up being less flexibility and a lower salary than I’d expected, so I likely wouldn’t have accepted even if they’d offered).

I still work at my same job from home, and I still gratefully and happily use the heavy office furniture my company so generously bought for me. When I move on from this job someday, I’ll ask both my boss and the person who bought the furniture for me what they’d like me to do.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I get angry when I’m praised for doing work I don’t like

I would love to say I explored this in therapy, as a lot of readers suggested, but unfortunately money is a huge issue and therapy is not financially viable on my income (hoping this changes in the future).

All that to say, the issue really hasn’t come up an awful lot since I wrote in! I did get promoted into a managerial role myself. So I’ve gained a lot more self-determination in my work and find I prefer that over praise.

Since being promoted I’ve also learned that high quantity praise is very much a company cultural thing. We drill into our managers to make sure your employees for that shift leave feeling appreciated for their work. Definitely not a bad thing! But I have decided to temper that with some nuance, because obviously something that was being done with good intentions had rubbed me the wrong way, and there is always the potential that I repeat that with my employees.

So, I am following the company culture and making sure to express appreciation to employees. But I’m also taking care to read the room. If I get the sense that my employee might be resenting a particular task and already irritated for having to do it, I’ll leave them alone until I find them in a better mood. Or, I’ll pick something else they did to praise them for.

Mostly I’ll try and avoid giving my employees tasks I know they hate. If I can’t avoid doing that, or if a task is just universally hated, I’ll acknowledge that it’s not my employees favourite thing and I’ll explain the rationale as to why I’m asking them to do it this time.

I’m also utilizing the strategy of finding ways to appreciate my employees that aren’t necessarily work related. For example, I have an employee who other managers have found a bit abrasive and difficult to manage. I’ve been trying to learn his native language. Every day we converse a little bit in his language, as much as I can. Some people might find this over-involved and intrusive, but this particular employee loves it and gets very excited about teaching me new words. I’ve never had any management issues with him.

I think a lot of my anger around praise comes from not feeling seen, as backward as that sounds. So I’m trying to take the approach of making my employees feel seen, in a way that’s personalised for them.

I’m not perfect and I have a long way to go. When I can afford therapy this is absolutely one of the million things I want to explore.

But so far, I’ve gotten by using this as a lesson on leadership. And appreciating that my new role gives me a level of autonomy that I’m much happier with.

Thanks again to everyone who read and responded with advice or solidarity.

2. Not accepting a job that drug tests, and being honest about why (#2 at the link)

I wrote on my partner, T’s, behalf, and she really appreciated the feedback. She ended up declining the job despite it being a fairly good offer at a large firm, and she even responded to the recruiter kindly saying that she considered mandatory drug-testing to be a DEI issue (I, a DEI director, helped her write the email). The recruiter seemed respectful and grateful for the feedback, though of course we recognize that it’s company policy and not his fault.

She ended up receiving another good offer from another firm, which she took to her current employer. Current employer offered her an extra $10k to stay, which she accepted. They were later acquired by another large prestigious firm, so now she has her big name job with all of the stability and relationships she had been cultivating for the last few years. We recently got engaged, so it’s nice to have the stability as we have a big gay wedding to plan.

3. I don’t want to put work charges on my personal credit card (#3 at the link)

I never had a talk with my boss, but I think she got the hint. I needed to buy some summer reading prizes and she made sure I got the money before I ordered the items. It’s still not ideal, but it worked.

After realizing I am being paid way less than I am worth, I used your tips and asked for a raise. My boss was very non-committal saying maybe later in the year.

Ultimately, I found another job back in my hometown which paid MUCH more money and has way less responsibility and stress. The negotiations made me realize how nice it was to have professional and open communication and I have been there for a few months and love it!

Thanks so much for your advice!

4. Should I tell my tantrum-throwing coworker that she’s sabotaging herself?

At the last minute our other top internal candidate (the one who shadowed in office mentioned in my letter) got an offer for a different internal position and declined our position. We had one other external candidate whose resume was frankly just full of red flags (lots of job hopping, barely any relevant work experience, not even sure what made HR pull that resume) just never get back to us about scheduling an interview so Jane got the job. And she’s done really well! Jane and I have gotten a lot closer since that original letter and I understand now that Jane has A LOT of anxiety and imposter syndrome that explained some of her reactions during that time. Since we’ve grown closer, I’ve found it easier to talk her down from the ledge so to speak when she starts getting into her own head. Sadly though, it looks like most likely very soon Jane will be moving to a different department (but still internal!) but I think we’ve both had a positive impact on each other and will keep in touch even if we’re not working in the same building anymore.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Is reading books at work ever OK?

I wrote in about my partner who was penalized for reading a textbook at work. I love update season, so I hope others find this satisfying as well.

As with many of jobs on here, the reading snafu was just the tip of the iceberg of dysfunction. When he reached out to his supervisor to try and get some clarification, she insisted that she had never allowed him to read. This employer does have a rigid “2 write ups in 6 months and you are fired” policy, and with the reading on his record, he was no longer eligible for pay raises or promotions.

My partner ended up transferring to a different branch with a more “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. He could read his textbooks as long as he didn’t mention it, it didn’t interfere with customers, and his new manager could deny that he ever allowed it. He stayed at the bank while studying for two years. Throughout that time, even with positive reviews from his manager, customers, and colleagues, he conveniently would receive a write-up (once for his computer malfunctioning) a couple weeks after the previous write-up would fall off.

But, as a happily ever after, he has graduated and was able to leave the bank to accept a job in his new field. While traditionally an underfunded field, he is already making more and genuinely enjoys his work every day. He also keeps being surprised when his colleagues say thank you or mention he’s doing a good job.

In your advice, you mentioned that he should watch his supervisor for insight on what he should be doing during downtime. To answer that, she would read. On the teller line. Usually bodice-ripping and trending spicy romance novels. In front of customers. So, it really was just a crappy workplace.

Thank you to you and the commentariat for your advice and encouragement!

2. My employer wants me to lie about why I’m leaving (#2 at the link)

My situation has turned out as well as possible, given the circumstances.

I took your advice and continued to be matter-of-fact with families when asked why I was leaving. Over the summer I accepted a new job where I feel much more appreciated and respected. Many former students/families have stayed in touch, and I still get to see them regularly. After many months, I am finally done grieving the loss of my old classroom. The process of leaving was awful, and many tears were shed, but the supportive advice from AAM and readers that I had done nothing wrong by being honest was very helpful in keeping things in perspective.

So in summary, all’s well that ends well!

Happily,
No-Longer-Sad Teacher

3. My new job is scolding me for my hours (#3 at the link)

When I was hired, I was cross trained (with my permission) for both the position I had been hired for (let’s say teapot production) as well as a position that had been a single-person department for quite awhile (parts ordering) because they felt ordering was soon going to be a two-person job.

Shortly after I was hired, the owner of the company announced the executive director was let go after 15 years on a Friday and a new executive director was brought in the following Monday. It was a few weeks into her new reign that I was warned about my time off requests for doctor’s appointments. A few weeks after that, the executive director approached me about moving to the ordering department. I was able to discuss my time off issues directly with her, and she said most of the concern had come from her, as she wondered if it made sense to have part-time positions or if all positions needed to be full time. She said I was getting good feedback from coworkers and that she actually thought it would be a better fit to have a part-time employee in ordering anyway.

Happily, the move has been great. My manager, the original ordering person and first-time manager, sets clear expectations and as long as I can get them done in the time I am there she is happy. She gives good positive and constructive feedback, is a good communicator, and has demonstrated that she has my back. If I do need to take time off for appointments, we have worked out a system where I work extra hours from home during the week. That’s another benefit of being in ordering now, I can easily work from home and am able to do so two days a week while I am in office the other two.

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Can I say no to a last-minute weekend party in my honor? (#2 at the link)

A bit of background: The way my boss brought up the idea of my going-away lunch was at an all-staff zoom. There were five people total in the company, including me. She asked each person except me if they were available on the weekend without saying why. After everyone said they had no weekend plans, she said that we’re having a weekend luncheon for my going-away celebration, and then announced that she’d pay for overnight travel for our our-of-town staff so they could attend. This is a big perk since our company is located in popular tourist town. After I suggested we have my luncheon during a workday and being declined, the zoom meeting ended with me saying I’d think about it.

After getting Alison’s advice, I sent an email back to my boss and all staff saying the weekend wouldn’t work and once again suggested weekday event. One “helpful” coworker (the one who would be getting a free weekend trip to attend) replied-all, suggesting scheduling it the following weekend. I initially agreed because I felt pressured, but later that day I emailed back that I was getting stressed out by adding another thing to my busy schedule. Then my boss replied-all and said, “Let’s just play it by ear.” That entailed her group texting all of us daily trying to figure out an evening or weekend time. I made up excuses for most of the suggested times, but finally relented and agreed to a dinner out with the team on Friday evening after my last day working for the company.

Trust me, the last thing anyone wants to do after their last day is going out with their boundary-stomping boss and coworkers. Turns out that none of my coworkers showed up, I guess they realized they didn’t like spending Friday after work at work events, so it was just me and my boss having the most awkward dinner together at the romantic restaurant she picked. She brought me a really nice gift that everyone had chipped in for. I can only imagine the pressure they had to spend money on my gift. After I left that job, the contracts I was working on completely fell apart, making the company look really bad. It was satisfying.

2. My coworker won’t stop doing my job (#4 at the link)

Your advice about going to my manager was the only thing that stopped it. Beyond that, getting a new manager was the biggest change — although I can see that my difficult coworker is miserable now and he pushes back against every “change” which is really just him going back to doing his job and not mine.

It turns out that it wasn’t just me who had difficulties with him. Others were complaining, but also felt like they had no recourse with him. Coworker is definitely a type who tries to control the environment around him and creates arbitrary rules based on an off-hand comment or something someone said to him years ago that cannot be tracked. He felt these rules gave him license to “help out” (his words) whenever he wanted whether it was wanted or not.

New manager has cleared that up. New manager has also clarified what is my job and what is his and anything that he does that is my job is now pointed out, corrected, and tracked to remind him that he’s overstepping. I can tell coworker is angry that things are not “efficient” anymore, but I spent so much time correcting his work that it wasted my time and company time.

My days are so much better. It’s also become blatantly aware that he’s been neglecting his own job and because he is no longer busy doing mine, he has no more excuses for why he wastes his time. It’s made our department faster.

I am happy. It required a change in management and definitely someone following up on him weekly. Pretty sad that was what was required, but I am very grateful to my manager.

3. A demanding client complains we won’t give him unlimited time (#2 at the link)

First, thanks to all your commenters on their overwhelming support. I particularly loved Sparky’s comment about shrinkwrapping the very item the customer complained about. That made me laugh.

We took your advice and started reminding Benjamin about “what do you want to make sure we cover?” and “let’s focus on XYZ in the remaining time we have.” My colleague found it helped manage his attention better.

It looks like he got the picture. No more outbursts like the original one occurred. He started coming less often, too.

For reasons other than Benjamin, I started interviewing for other positions. About three months after I wrote that letter, I got a new job. I don’t have to deal with him any more. But thanks to your advice, and thanks to all the commenters, I’m prepared for the next Benjamin clone when s/he comes around.

My coworker, for similar reasons, transferred to another job. My guess is that both she and I had one too many Benjamin fires to extinguish, and not enough support from management that was indifferent to our workload.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose HR team gave them a list of holidays that aren’t traditionally days off and asked them to vote on which would be their “Diversity Day” that year? Last year they got Diwali off and this year they got Yom Kippur. Here’s the update.

Armed with your assurances that voting on a “Diversity Day” was indeed distasteful and disrespectful, I sent some anonymous feedback to HR outlining my concerns. Apparently I was one of several people who complained because they did away with voting!

Unfortunately, now HR will just unilaterally choose a “Diversity Day” while “taking current world events into account if possible”. When someone pushed back and said that didn’t seem much different than voting and why were they not just giving everyone a floating holiday, HR doubled down and said they wanted to “honor the customs and beliefs of different cultures by pausing work for everyone in the company and a floating holiday would not have the same impact.”

Anyway, next year’s Diversity Day is Women’s Equality Day, at the end of August. To my knowledge this was not announced in any way, it was just quietly added to next year’s calendar.

I foresee this going at least slightly wrong at some point, but I guess we’ll see. I’m slightly baffled at how attached they apparently are to this idea given that our HR leadership and company level leadership have changed since this was originally implemented.