Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I discourage friends from applying for a job in my department?

I just finished grad school in a field where work is hard to come by. I did find a job after graduating and have been there about six months. It’s actually not in the field I studied, but there are lots of transferable skills, and I really love it.

One of my coworkers is leaving, so we’ll have a vacancy soon in my department. My problem is that I have lots of former classmates who are looking for jobs, some of them friends. I’m sure a handful of people I know will apply and want me to put in a good word. With many, I’d feel comfortable telling my boss (the hiring manager) that I don’t think it’s a great fit. Others I don’t know well, so I would say leave the assessment up to her.

My problem is two close friends. They’re really smart and competent, but I wouldn’t want to work with them. I like to keep work and my private life separate. Maybe that’s selfish when my friends need jobs. I just don’t know if either of them would be very committed to the company since it’s outside our field, a pretty low salary, and they think they can do “better” even though they’re not finding anything right now. I also worry that it would be hard to keep things professional in the office with my best friend, who’s very chatty, sitting next to me. The other friend can be very negative, and I worry she’d harp on the few drawbacks of the work so much it’ll turn me sour on a job I now enjoy. Is there a way I can discourage these friends from applying? Or raise my concerns with my boss in a way that doesn’t make me look like I don’t trust myself to maintain professional boundaries?

I think it’s reasonable not to want to work with close friends. There’s lots of potential for complications — such as blurred boundaries, inability to get away from work talk, and weirdness and tension if one of them doesn’t get along with another coworker (or your boss) and wants you to take sides. And it’s also legitimate to just want to keep your work life separate from the rest of your life.

These are close friends, so can you be honest with them? I’d say something like this: “I’ve heard way too many horror stories about how working together can ruin friendships. I’ll help you in your job search in any way I can, but I have a strong preference not to work with a close friend.” A good friend will respect that.

If that doesn’t work and one of them applies anyway, it’s fine to say to your boss, “Jane and I are close friends, and I’d actually rather not bring such a close relationship into the office. I was up-front with her too that I felt that way.” (Of course, all this assumes that they even hear about the opening and express interest in applying. They may not.)

If your company had the only work in your field and your friends were desperate, my answer here might be different. But it sounds like the job isn’t even in their field, and we’re talking about a single job opening, not blocking them from a whole host of jobs.

2. My coworkers won’t stop texting me after-hours

I originally wanted to take a position at my current company because it seemed like a friendly work environment. In the past two years I’ve been there, it has been nothing but attention-seeking coworkers! It has gotten so bad that I put headphones on while I am working just to concentrate. The icing on the cake is the multi-recipient texts that I get after work from my coworkers! And it’s all about how they are not feeling well, etc., etc. I have an old phone so when I get those messages responding back, they freeze up my phone! I’ve never had this problem before, so I don’t know how to stop it. If I tell them not to include me on their message list, I will look insensitive. And this even happens when I’m dealing with my own sons who were sick. I really don’t want to deal with them after hours. I don’t even talk to my family that much!

I do my best to deal with my own problems (being a single mother in debt) and this is just draining me! Even my boss texts me after hours about payroll, which I feel should have been taken care of during the workday.

You’re falling into the classic “I want them to stop, but I don’t want to ask them to stop.” You can only have one of those things — if you want it to stop, you need to say something. It doesn’t need to sound insensitive; I’d simply say, “I try to disconnect from work once I leave the office, so I’d prefer not to receive texts in the evening.” Or if it makes it easier for you, you can say that you pay per text, or that the texts are freezing up your phone (which is apparently true).

If it keeps happening after that (which it may, since people may just keep replying to existing group texts, and that will include you), you may need to remind them a couple of times. But “you’re freezing my phone up” is hard to argue with.

3. I keep hearing “we need you to be flexible”

I’d like to make more sense of a phrase I have been hearing on and off in the work world over the years: “We need you to be flexible.” This is usually said in response to requests for training, or in interviews where I list my strengths as liking to be systematic and respecting policy and procedure.

I had an interview the other day for at a health insurance company. My interviewer asked me to list my strengths. I said that I liked to work systematically, and respect and even like policies and procedures. I thought these were strengths, in contrast to workers who overlook or flout procedure. My interviewer laughed as I spoke and said the job “may not be a good fit if you like to be systematic” because “things change every day, and the way we did things yesterday may not be the way we do things tomorrow or today.” She said she had been in the insurance industry for many years and did not think that state of affairs would change. I had worked in health insurance for a short time in the 1990’s in a different capacity, and I did find the offices I worked for to be maddeningly inconsistent regarding procedure. I was baffled and appalled then, and was disappointed and appalled at my interview the other day.

What qualities or behaviors are being asked for when they say they value “flexibility” and since when did a desire to follow rules and be policy driven and systematic become a weakness?

Flexibility means rolling with changes and not getting too rattled by them. Sometimes an environment has so many unnecessary changes that “we need you to be flexible” is a symptom of dysfunction, but there are lots of fields and roles where it’s just a normal and necessary part of the work. I can’t speak to health insurance in particular, but if you’re hearing over and over that it’s a thing in your field, I’d believe it — and would do some soul-searching about whether that’s something you can live with reasonably happily.

It’s also worth noting that if you’ve been hearing “we need you to be flexible” for years, it might mean that you’re unusually rigid, in a way that’s a problem for a lot of workplaces. There are some fields where rigidity and strict adherence to systems is a plus, but there are others where it would make you ill-suited. If I were you, I’d figure out which fields and jobs reward that approach, so that you’re somewhere that’s well-matched with how you like to work.

4. I want to encourage my boss to apply for a promotion

My boss is everything you’d want to see in a leader: she gives our team clear expectations but the space to maneuver as we see fit, is always willing to talk through an issue, give advice, etc. When there’s a screw-up, she’ll own it in a way that protects our unit while still holding us accountable internally. We have ample opportunity for professional and personal development, and she sets the gold standard by walking the walk in all respects of the job. She’s the type of boss that you’ll go through hell for, because you know she’ll do the same for us (and likely already has).

We work for a decent sized agency(50-60 FTE employees), and we just learned that our organization will be looking for a new CEO in the near future. Is there a tactful way for me to tell her I think she should apply for the post? She’s a senior manager (a step below the executive team) but she knows the culture and already has a great rapport/relationship with a few of our key outside partners. I think she would make a great “face of the franchise” as our agency continues to grow.

I have no idea if she’s considered this role, if she’s interested in it, or if her personal life would allow it (the role is known to be consuming.) As her direct report, is there a good way for me to ask her about it?

Be direct! Tell her all the things you said in your first paragraph, and then say, “I think you would be fantastic as the new CEO. Is that something you’d ever want to do?”

She may not want it (there are real downsides to those jobs, as you note), or she may not want to tell you that she’s throwing her hat in the ring (often people want to be discreet about it), but I’m sure she’ll be really appreciative either way.

5. How do I explain my reference is hospitalized with psychosis?

I worked as a research scientist for seven years at an academic research institution. I always thought my boss (a professor) was “eccentric.” Over the seven years, everyone working close to her noticed that her interpersonal skills significantly declined, and I felt she was constantly overly critical of me.

I left the job 2.5 years ago, mostly because I felt really burned out from being mistreated and I had a few medical issues to deal with, but in a few months I’d like to start looking for a new job (not in the research field). I just learned from my former colleagues that my former boss has been suffering from prolonged psychosis (most likely schizophrenia), and has been hospitalized on and off for the last two years. She will remain in a hospital for unknown period of time, as doctors have not figured out to control her symptoms.

How do I explain to a new potential employer that they cannot contact my former boss as a reference? Sometimes online application forms ask for your most recent supervisor, and simply have a checkbox to let them know if it is okay to contact them. I feel hesitant to check “no,” as it looks like I have something to hide, and my application will get tossed out during the first stage of screening. And how do they feel about my listing a former colleague who used to be a student in the group whom I worked very closely with (now an assistant professor at an university), and a collaborator (professor) at a different/distant institution who also played a supervisory role to me?

That question on application forms is only about your permission. It’s not about the reference’s availability or how difficult/impossible the person might be to reach. Think of it as if your former boss was traveling internationally and was difficult to reach; you wouldn’t withhold your permission for an employer to try, but you’d explain at the appropriate stage that she won’t be easily reachable. It’s the same thing here. Give your permission for them to contact her, and then when you’re further along in the process and reaching the reference-checking point of things, you can explain that she’s currently hospitalized and not not reachable, and you can offer up other references in her place (ideally past managers or other people in a position to assess your work).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I resigned and now my manager and HR want to come to my house

I resigned last week, effective immediately, yet HR and my boss want to come to my house this week and discuss something or other with regard to official documentation. I have been off ill for a while, had a visit from my boss, and a few weeks later I just decided that I’d rather have my health and some measure of sanity than go back. I also refused to sign for disability because I’m not claiming any benefits; I just needed rest and to be away from the toxic environment.

I received a text asking if I would be home this week and haven’t responded. If I refuse to confirm availability, can they still come to my house? Are they able to still worm their way into my home without my consent? I’m feeling a tad bit harassed. Why can’t my resignation just be accepted as my final word and that I have nothing left to say or discuss or mull over? I am not even interested in a final payment with regards to my salary…I just want out. I’m really upset because now I feel like I can’t even be at home to heal without the immense and unnecessary stress of an unwelcome/unexpected/unsanctioned visit from what I now consider to be my former employer and an HR rep. I used to wonder why some people put fake home addresses and cellphone numbers on their employment contracts — I should have done the same. Do I need to get a court order, a restraining order? Do I respond to the texts and say, “Thanks but no thanks, don’t give me any resignation options to look at, and NO you cannot come to my house AGAIN”?

Besides being physically exhausted and still ill, this makes my skin crawl and I feel like I need to move. I feel sick all over again. Does this qualify as harassment? Why are they still communicating with me?

Whoa — none of this is necessary. Of course you don’t need to move or get a restraining order; they’re no more entitled to come into your home than any other person who showed up who you didn’t want to let in. You’re not obligated to answer your door or let anyone inside, including former employers.

Contact them and tell them that you do not want them to come to your house, and that if they need anything further from you, they should call or email you. If they show up at your door, don’t answer it. They’re very unlikely to keep trying over and over.

2. My new job is moving and doubling my commute

I accepted a job in a new city last August and moved to a place where my commute would be shorter than 40 minutes. I really like my job and house, and now my partner has a job that is close to our home as well. We do not want to move, as our home is a steal.

My boss recently decided to move our office closer to his house–we have a very small office, so this is very feasible–which now has more than doubled my commute. I had discussed it with him when he was tossing around the idea and mentioned that I did not want to drive for longer than 40 minutes to get to work and back home. He went through with the move regardless (which is totally fine since he’s the boss). We’ve chatted about different work options, but he’s not in favor of me working from home at all and the new office isn’t in a location where I could easily take public transit. On top of that, the added cost in driving the extra time and distance will be a big financial change, and I’m not getting a raise anytime soon.

I’ve only been with this company for eight months, and I’m already contemplating waiting until I reach my one-year mark and leaving to find a job that works better with my commuting needs. The problem is that I was at my last job for only six months before being let go, so I’m very worried about looking like a job-hopper. I’m very stressed about this extended commute! Help!

This sucks. Could you say something like this to your boss: “The short commute was a factor in my taking the job. I understand things change, of course, but the impact of the move is that I’m spending much more time commuting than I’d expected to and I’m spending significantly more on gas. Would you be willing to consider revisiting my compensation in light of those factors?”

If that doesn’t work, then you’ve got to balance how much you dislike the commute with the downsides of changing jobs. Employers will understand leaving because your office moved to an inconvenient location, but it’ll still be a disadvantage to have two short stays on your resume (especially since you can’t really have many accomplishments to list in that amount of time). But it depends on what the rest of your resume looks like — if you have other solid stays of three years or ideally more, this will matter less. And I’d actually consider leaving the six-month job off your resume entirely (or at least doing that in your next job search after this one); the downsides of two short stays in a row might outweigh having a gap a few years ago.

Read an update to this letter here.

3. My bosses said they’d help me find another job after my layoff — what should I expect?

Your blog is a life-saver and I have it to thank for getting a great receptionist/production assistant position that I held for the past five and a half months. Unfortunately, I was just very suddenly laid off last week. My bosses were very compassionate and apologetic, and offered to assist me in finding a job going forward.

While that’s great, I have no idea what to expect. Will they be casually asking their friends in the industry? Making calls to businesses they partnered with in the past? While I know I shouldn’t lean on them fully anyway, my standards are pretty low. After all, they laid me off because the business was going under. They have bigger fish to fry.

I’m drafting a “thank you for everything/good luck” email to my bosses. How do I include something a little more tactful than “so, about that job hunt help…”?

It might mean as little as “we’ll be a reference for you when you need one” or as much as “we’ll reach out to our networks and talk you up and see if we can find leads for you.” More commonly, it means something closer to the former — but the latter does happen.

I’d say this to them: “You mentioned that you might be able to help in my job search. I’d love to take you up on that. I’d really appreciate it if you were able to reach out to your network about me if you know of anyone who might need someone with my skills, or if you’re able to give me a heads-up about any job leads.” That might put some specifics in their heads if they didn’t already have some in there, and it should nudge them to say something that will give you a better idea of where they’re coming from.

That said, on your side I’d function as if nothing will come of their help, since you don’t want to count on it panning out (and even if they actively help, it might not lead anywhere). If it does, great — but meanwhile, move forward with everything you’d be doing anyway.

4. My boss was quoted by a journalist, but he wasn’t even interviewed

My boss was quoted in the media on something he didn’t say. He wasn’t even interviewed. The journalist copied it from our website and quoted my boss in his article. This was very unprofessional. How can I write an email to the journalist and tell her off in a polite way?

I wouldn’t look at it as telling her off, but it’s perfectly reasonable to address it. I’d say this: “You quoted our CEO, Cecil Livermore, in your article, but the quote isn’t from him and you never actually interviewed him. The quote appears to have been taken off our website. Can you shed any light on what happened here?”

My guess is that the reporter figured “from the company’s website” is the same thing as “from this person at the company” — which it’s not, of course.

5. What do you owe a job that accommodated you through a tough time?

Last summer I was diagnosed with cancer. Thanks to the wonders of science, I am now in remission and wrapping up the last few procedures I need.

During my treatment, I continued to work full-time and my employer has been so accommodating. They created a new short-term disability policy effective retroactively so they could pay me for the time I needed off during my first round of chemo. I could go on and on, but basically they’ve made it so that work has never been a worry.

As I look ahead to life in remission, I wonder what I owe my employer for their understanding during a time when I wasn’t my best. I’ve been able to keep up as normal with the day-to-day needs of my colleagues and customers; the impact has been that new projects are coming out less often than normal. I recognize that some of this is the frustration of a high performer who can’t live up to their own expectations, but I can’t tell whether there is also an obligation as an employee to make up for this period.

I’d tell them how much you appreciate how easy they made it for you to have peace of mind about work during this period — I’m sure they’ll appreciate hearing it, even if you think it’s obvious. (It always feels great to hear something like that.)

But beyond that, no! I mean, if you’d always been the office grump, I’d say to take this opportunity to be more pleasant to people there, but I’m assuming there’s nothing like that in play. If you’re wondering if you owe them extra hours now, or a commitment not to leave for two years, or something along those lines, no. It might make sense to feel more loyalty toward them because of how well they handled this, but there’s no an obligation to.

If you really wanted to, you could say, “Now that I’m back to full-speed, is there anything you’d like me to take on from while I was out?” (But only offer that if you’re really ready for it — and you don’t even need to do that.)