Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1.  I can’t get added to our office email list for work parties

I feel like this is a strange dilemma, and I believe 100% that it’s happening out of oversight and not maliciousness but…

I’ve been at my current position about two years now. As an office we celebrate birthdays, baby showers, wedding showers, retirements, etc. These parties take place during work hours and are open to the entire staff, often even former staff. These parties are announced via email a few days in advance.

Mostly I find out about these parties five minutes before they happen when a coworker will stop by my desk and say “Hey, want to head down to Bertha’s party?” One office friend has started forwarding me all event emails because I’ve so consistently been left off the email list.

I am on the email list for meetings and other general announcements, apparently just not parties. I’ve spoken to those in charge of sending out the emails a few times, as has my direct supervisor, and been assured that I will be added to the list. Initially I wrote it off as being a new employee and updating the party list being a low priority, buy we’ve hired several new people since me who have had no problem getting on the list. I also find myself left out of the office birthday card tradition, despite my name appearing on the birthday calendar.

In the grand scheme of things this is a small blip in an otherwise great job, but it is annoying. I’m not sure if I should keep pursuing the fact that I’ve been left off the event list or just let it slide.

You shouldn’t have to ask for this multiple times, and the fact that it still hasn’t happened is annoying. You’re entitled to be irritated by it, and I don’t think you should let it slide — you’re being left out of events that are part of the bonding of your team, and that’s crappy.

Go talk in person to whoever is in charge of that list. Say this: “Hey, I know you’d said in the past that you’d add me to the list for birthdays and other celebrations. I’m still not getting those emails. Do you have a minute to troubleshoot this so that we can figure out what’s going on?” If the person says they’ll take care of it, say this: “Great. Do you have a minute to check right now while I’m here, so we can make sure it’s fixed?”

In other words, make them deal with it right then and there while you’re standing there. If they say it’s not a good time, then ask when you should come back.

That should fix it, but if it doesn’t, then you should go to that person’s manager, point out that you’ve asked for something simple multiple times, and ask what you need to do to get it taken care of.

2. Should I email with questions after a company indicated they received my application?

I recently applied for a job via email. The person emailed me back thanking me for my interest, confirming the receipt of my documents, and provided me with some additional information about the institution. I feel that I should respond, but my sister thinks I should only respond if I have questions rather than just clogging the person’s inbox. What are your thoughts on the matter? And if I do respond, would a quick “thank you for the update/information” suffice?

A quick “thank you” is fine, but you shouldn’t write back with questions. The time for questions is an interview, if you’re invited to one. Otherwise, you’re asking them to spend time answering questions when they may not have determined that you’re a strong candidate yet.

3. I don’t have the five manager references a company is asking for

For an upcoming interview, I have been asked to provide five references from previous supervisors. The only problem is that I was only able to come up with four. Is it a bad idea to ask the HR contact from the hiring company about this, or do I have to come up with five no matter what?

References from five previous managers — plenty of people haven’t even HAD five previous managers, particularly earlier in their careers. I’d say this to your contact: “I don’t have five previous managers to connect you with because of ___, but here are four and I’d be glad to offer up coworker or client references too, if that would be helpful.”

(Also, what they’re asking for is really overkill. Around three is reasonable in most cases.)

4. I haven’t stayed in touch with my past managers and now need their help

I am a current undergraduate student and have been following your advice column for a while now. You have helped me out tremendously in getting a lot of really great internships!

Unfortunately, I have not behaved as professionally as I should after completing them. I have neglected staying in touch with my previous supervisors and have essentially not spoken to them after leaving the organizations. I am particularly disappointed in not having kept contact with my supervisor from an internship I had almost a year and a half ago. I think my problem was not knowing what to say after leaving and after a while feeling like too much time had passed for me to casually reach out without some sort of explanation, which only worsened the longer I avoided it. For what it’s worth, I was also dealing with some major family issues the semester after leaving and then spent the last fall studying abroad. Ultimately though, those are not valid enough excuses for dropping the ball on what I felt was a very good mentoring relationship.

To make matters worse, I am about to graduate (a year early, thus even more in need of a professional support system) and while it would obviously be great if she could help me with finding a job within or outside the organization we worked at, I don’t want her to think that this is the only reason I am reaching out to her. Is there any way I can still salvage the situation or should I just let it go?

This is actually pretty normal! Lots of people don’t do much to stay in touch with past managers but still reach out when they need a reference; in fact, I’d say that’s more common than the other way around.

So don’t give this another moment of worry. It’s totally fine for you to reach out now, update on what’s going on with you, and ask for whatever specific help you’re hoping for.

5. Avoiding work travel during IVF

My husband and I are very excited to start an IVF cycle in about six weeks. I already have a handful of appointments set up at our clinic starting in a few weeks that I absolutely can’t move due to the timing of the cycle.

I don’t travel regularly for my job but I do occasionally, often on not much notice. There are some rumblings now about a trip next month…and I’m already worried how I’m going to navigate this travel around the appointments I already have on the calendar. And of course, I’m the only person who does what I do in my company, so finding someone to go in my place is not an option.

While I have a good relationship with my boss, I don’t love the idea of telling him that I’m going through IVF, both because it’s really personal and I don’t want to be forced into announcing a pregnancy (or lack thereof) before I’m ready.

Can you help me with some suggestions as to how to draw a line in the sand around certain dates, without giving away why, and also without making people think something much more serious is going on? Saying something like “I have a medical procedure” makes me think people are going to worry I’m really ill. Or am I overthinking it?

Probably overthinking it a bit. “I have a a medical procedure that week that I can’t move” is really all you need to say. People are not likely to assume you’re seriously ill just based on that.

Good luck with the IVF!

Read an update to this letter here.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I was laid off and now my manager wants my help

I was recently laid off on a Thursday morning with no notice and was basically perp walked to HR. I wasn’t even allowed to return to my desk to gather my personal belongings either. I was given a small severance and one weeks pay for each year I’d been there (5 years).

Today I was contacted by my former manager/supervisor requesting that I help him out with data gathering/location for a monthly report. Should I help? I’m still devastated by the no notice RIF, and honestly hope the entire organization fails. I don’t want to be a bad person, but I don’t feel that I owe them any reply at all. Would it be best to just not reply?

Ooooh, your company really mishandled this. The no notice and the perp walk is actually pretty common with layoffs; you can argue all the reasons it shouldn’t be done that way, but it’s really pretty standard. But contacting you for work help afterwards? No. Any reasonable manager should know that that’s rubbing salt in the wound, and that they gave up any right to try that once they laid you off. It was your manager’s job to think through what he’d need from you before the layoff, and if he didn’t or couldn’t, he doesn’t get to make that your problem.

However, sometimes severance agreements come with an informal understanding that you’ll be willing to answer the occasional (very occasional) question for a couple of weeks. If that was the case here, you should honor that. Otherwise, you have no obligation to respond. That said, it’s worth thinking about what kind of reference you want from him, too. That doesn’t mean you should do actual work for him; you definitely shouldn’t. But I’d answer a question or two about where a file is, in the interest of the relationship.

2. I don’t want my company car

I’ve lived and worked in a developing country for three years now as part of a contract with an overseas-based company. My role was to open and then manage a new sales office. As part of my very, very generous package, my employer purchased a lovely SUV. All expenses are covered, and I can even have a driver if I want. Great, right!?

Well, my main issue is that I have to contribute $70 a week for the car as an “employee contribution” to cover the expenses related to my personal use of the car. This would be fair, but I don’t use the car – for work or personal reasons. In the three years I’ve had it, it’s only been driven around 7,000 miles.

I’ve talked about this twice with my employer. The last time was when I returned home, about six months ago. He said he would consider the issue, but he never got back to me. A couple of months later, I submitted a formal proposal regarding selling the car and explaining that I rarely use it for work purposes, but again there was no response. I know my boss wants me to keep the car. He prefers the status quo and wants me to be able to easily visit clients. He also likes the idea of me having it for contingency arrangements. In my formal proposal, I provided very workable suggestions for resolving these problems. At the end of the day, I know he just wants me to keep the car.

In my formal proposal, I didn’t say that my issue was the “employee contribution” because I don’t want to seem difficult. Even though I earn a really good salary, it irks me that I spend over $3,500 a year for a car I don’t want. Also, there must be legal issues regarding an employer forcing an employee to spend money on something they don’t want to have.

I am about to return home for another round of in-person meetings with my boss. Should I raise it again? Or am I sounding ridiculous? I don’t want to be difficult and I don’t think it’s worth causing grief over. Plus, there’s only a year left on my contract (so only $3,500 left to spend on this car!). Some perspective would be helpful.

Yes, you should raise it — but differently this time. The mistake you made in the past was that you weren’t direct about your real issue — the employee contribution. That’s a compelling thing, and there’s no reason to hide it. And you’re actually denying your boss really important information! So far, he’s been making decisions about this without realizing what your real objection is; if you make it sound like it’s about other stuff, you boss can just decide he doesn’t share those concerns, and it’s over.

Instead, you need to clearly say as your main objection, “I’m being charged an employee contribution of $3,500 a year for a car I don’t use and don’t want. I’d be glad to keep it for work purposes if you want me to, but I don’t want to be personally paying for something I don’t use at all. Given that, what makes sense?”

3. There’s never a good time for me to quit

I am a corporate event planner and am looking to quit my job for a variety of reasons. The problem is that I am the company’s only event planner and I am always working on multiple high-priority events. I manage about 15 events every 12 weeks (each event being 3-4 days long) and am in charge of every aspect of the events (on-site logistics, travel, venue accommodations, food and events, agenda and educational sessions, sponsors, speakers…the list goes on).

There is never a “good” time for me to quit because there is not a lull time where I could transfer over event details or plans to someone else in the company. I am always knee-deep in multiple events and traveling a lot, so quitting would mean dropping many events mid-planning or right before event time. I don’t want to leave my manager and teammates with a huge mess when I leave, but I’ve been trying to quit for almost two years and can’t find a time where I could quit with a clear conscience.

Yeah, there’s never going to be a good time to quit, so quit at the time that makes sense for you and trust that your company will find a way to carry on. Companies survive people leaving, even when it feels like it will be chaos — hell, even when it is chaos for a while. It’s part of doing business.

If you’re able to give your company a lot of notice and feel they will handle that well, that would be a kind thing to do. But that’s not always possible, and if it doesn’t work out, your company will survive anyway.

You can’t stay in the job forever waiting for the right time to leave. If you’re ready to leave, go ahead and do it.

4. Manager is blocking my internal transfer

I work as at a leading worldwide pharmaceutical company as an administrative assistant. I have been with the company for 10 years and am highly regarded here. Recently there have been some changes and instability in the specific franchise I report to. I approached my boss because I was considering applying for a new position within the company and she “strongly encouraged me to explore all my opportunities.” I did and I was offered a job within the organization, but reporting to a different franchise. This would be a lateral move, but the new team was so happy for me to join that they were able to offer me a small raise to make the change.

Last night, I was informed that the head of the franchise I currently report to refuses to release me. I have been in my role for over five years and have fulfilled my time commitment (which was only a year). The only reason he won’t let me go is because “it’s not in the best interest of the franchise” and he’s “worried he won’t be able to backfill my position.” My manager, who delivered the news, tells me this should make me feel good and wanted. It doesn’t! It makes me feel like a piece of property! There has been no offer to match the salary of the new role, not promise of a promotion, NOTHING… just “you can’t leave.” What can I do? Am I stuck?

Nope. What you can do is go get a different job outside your company.

Some companies do let managers block internal transfers — which is terribly short-sighted, because it just means that the person will be pissed off and leave the company altogether, which is what you should do (wait until you find another job though).

If you want, before you do that you can try pushing back with your franchise head (or asking your manager to do it on your behalf), pointing out that this is disincentivizing you from staying with the company. For example: “I really want to stay with the company long-term, but that means there needs to be a path for me to grow here. I don’t want to have to go somewhere else just to be able to advance in my career.”

But if that doesn’t work, be ready to go elsewhere.

5. Asking whether I’m getting a bonus

I’m young and pretty new in my field but I’ve risen to the top of the food chain relatively quickly due to a lot of hard work, long hours, and dedication to producing quality work. At the end of last year there was some restructuring at my (very small) company: my boss was fired, and I got a promotion and a raise as a result of taking on the majority of his work in addition to my original responsibilities.

During the same discussion with my new boss a few months ago where I asked for said raise, he mentioned that the company would be awarding bonuses in March and hinted that I would receive one in the low five figure range. I believe he said this to incentivize me to stay, because he knew that I was considering leaving to join my old boss at his new venture.

This company has never awarded bonuses before, and I’ve never gotten a bonus at any of my previous jobs, so I’m unsure what the etiquette is around them. It’s now mid-March and I haven’t heard a peep about this bonus since it was initially mentioned. My dilemma is that I’m not very close with my new boss, and I don’t see him that often in person — although we do communicate daily via phone and email — and I’m afraid of coming off as entitled if I follow up on this.

This bonus won’t make or break whether I stay at the company (although they don’t know that). I would just like to know whether it’s actually coming or not, because it would make the difference in some personal budgeting, including paying off my student loans. Do I ask about it if I don’t hear anything by the end of the month (and if so, how on earth)? Or do I just need to let this one go, prepare for disappointment, and enjoy the surprise if it does happen?

Talking about salary is a very normal part of having a job, and you don’t need to dance around it. Your boss mentioned that there might be a bonus around now and you haven’t heard anything, so it’s a reasonable thing to bring up.

I’d say this: “You mentioned when we talked in December that the company would be doing bonuses in March. Are you able to tell me whether to expect one, and if so, what the timing might be?”

Until you get a definite answer, though, I’d plan as if it’s not coming; it’s safer that way.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I avoid a farewell dinner from the job that’s letting me go?

My question is regarding a farewell dinner that I’d really rather avoid attending. I was recently let go from a small company. The circumstances were pretty reasonable. I understand their reasons were not personal and not related to my work performance. However, I have been frustrated and upset by the way they have handled the process, and ultimately I feel a bit bitter about leaving.

As my final date draws closer, the boss has been suggesting a farewell dinner. As it’s a long weekend, I made the excuse that I needed to get home and pack for a trip. That led to a conversation about alternative dates, which I’ve managed to deflect with the excuse that I’ll be busy with other activities.

My excuses are running out though – they’ve now suggested that I choose a time that I’m free and they’ll work around my schedule. How can I gracefully let the boss know that I’d prefer not to be the guest of honour at an awkward dinner? If I have a conversation which betrays the fact that I’m more upset about leaving than they realize, will that make it more difficult to leave on good terms?

I was originally going to suggest that you plead a busy schedule between now and then, but they’ll probably just change it from a dinner to a workday lunch. So I’d say this: “I appreciate the thought — thank you. I’m actually not one for formal farewell events, so I’d prefer to say my goodbyes informally, but it’s really kind of you to make the offer.”

2. Should I speak up about my coworker’s unpaid overtime?

My coworker and I are both non-exempt hourly employees. When I was hired, our boss was very clear that I needed to make sure I kept my to 40 hours/week except when we have special events. I know she has had a similar conversation with my coworker multiple times, and she has explicitly told him that he can’t work unpaid overtime. Despite this, I know he’s staying late and often working from home. This morning I came in and found an email from him timestamped 12:30 a.m.! (For what it’s worth, I think this is both because he has too much work to get done in the work day and because his time management skills are abysmal. He has also implied that he enjoys the rush of pushing deadlines/being too busy.)

I’ve been firm where this directly overlaps with my job–for example, I won’t let him borrow equipment I’m responsible for so that he can use it outside of work hours, because I don’t want to get in trouble if something happens to it. Usually, though, it doesn’t affect me much, other than in that it gives him more room to mismanage his time (which has occasionally impacted his ability to do tasks that I’ve requested). Do I have any responsibility to mention it to my boss, especially since our performance reviews are next week? Or is this none of my business?

I don’t think you’re obligated to mention it as long as you’re not in a management role (over anyone, not just him; if you are, that makes you part of the company’s management team and you should speak up). But I also don’t think you’d be out of line if you did mention it, since what he’s doing is exposing the company to legal risk. (They’re required to pay him for that overtime, even if he’s not logging it.)

3. A messy salary situation with board members

Last year, I was hired by a local nonprofit community center to start a program that over time became large enough to spin off into its own nonprofit. I am now the director and only employee of this new nonprofit. The director of the old nonprofit is my board president. Another member of my board has led a different, very successful program at the old nonprofit for almost 10 years, and is also a friend.

A few weeks ago, this board member confided to me that she hasn’t had a raise in several years, and that every time she asks for one, she is turned down by her director (my board president.) Together we strategized ways she might approach asking for a raise again, as well as raises for her underpaid staff. I didn’t think about this conversation again until a few days ago, when I was meeting with my board president (her director) to go through applications for a new position I am looking to fill. I am the only employee of my new organization, but filling this new position will make me a manager. While discussing the salary of the new position, my board president (out of nowhere) suggested that we raise my salary once the new person comes on, since I will be adding new responsibilities.

I am happy about the raise (especially since this is nonprofit work we’re talking about, so the salary is small compared to the private sector), but now I feel like I’ve been put in an awkward position. With this raise, I will be making more than the board member who has been running a much larger program for several years, and I didn’t even have to ask for it.

This wouldn’t be an issue if my board president weren’t also her boss. Under normal circumstances, I would just keep this to myself, because I don’t know the specifics of her situation or performance, but since she’s on my board she’s eventually going to see my organizational budget and new salary. I also am not sure if my salary is something the board should vote on (our bylaws don’t explicitly outline this.) Is there anything I should do or say in this situation? Do I take the raise, or suggest it be put to a vote? I have worked for enough dysfunctional nonprofits by now to know I should value my healthy, functioning board of directors. I don’t want this to breed the beginnings of resentment, but I also don’t want to turn down a raise! What should I do?

It’s not outrageous that you’d earn more than she does, since you’re running the organization, whereas she’s running (presumably a department). Granted, it’s an organization of two, but it’s still a different type of responsibility (and presumably includes fundraising and other responsibilities that are different from hers). But even aside from that, you should keep your pay and her pay separate in your mind. They’re two separate organizations, and there’s no reason for your salary and her salary to have anything to do with each other.

As for whether your salary should be voted on your board or whether your board chair has the authority to approve it herself, just ask her that! (“Should the board vote on this, or are we able to just move forward with it?”)

My bigger concern here is actually be all this cross-pollination between the two organizations, which has the potential to create conflicts of interest — or just conflicts — over time. I’d work on bringing in new board members who aren’t part of the other organization.

4. Can employer force me to give them access to my personal phone for work?

My employer wants to take away my company-provided Blackberry and install MDM software on my personal smartphone. Since it’s my phone and accesses not just my data, but my family’s, I don’t want to give them access. Can they force me to?

I understand that they can require me to provide my own “equipment” like uniforms, or physical tools. But this has implications beyond what I wear, or a a screwdriver that I hold in my hand—not just for my own privacy, but for other people’s, whose consent is not implicated in my employment.

Yep, they can. And yep, the privacy implications are really troubling.

This page has some tips for protecting your privacy in this situation, including thinking about having a separate personal device.

5. Explaining I’ll need time off to attend the trial for the death of a family member

A close family member died last year (think parent/sibling/child) and criminal action is being taken over the circumstances surrounding their death. I haven’t worked since their death (around six months) but am going to be job-hunting once I move cross-country with my boyfriend’s job in several weeks’ time. We don’t have a fixed date or timeline for the trial yet, but obviously I would require some/all of the time off work. Whether that is paid or not is immaterial at this point: my question is how do I bring this up?

Of course, when interviewers ask about upcoming holiday time that’s easy because it’s two fixed dates, for a positive reason and ta-da. But when it’s something like this – when the backstory is grim, has made national news and has an uncertain timeline – it’s harder to bring up without burdening the interviewer with my life story. I’m keen to get back to work, and the timescale will almost certainly be too long to just not to work until everything’s over. What approach would you take when explaining the need for time off?

I’m so sorry. I’d say this: “My family member was killed last year, and I’d like to attend the trial, but it hasn’t been scheduled yet. Could we arrange for me to take roughly X days off when that happens? I’d be fine with taking it unpaid if I need to.”

Or, if you’d prefer to disclose less, you could change that first clause to “my family member was the victim of a serious crime last year.”

Read an update to this letter here.