avoiding a farewell dinner, a coworker’s secret unpaid overtime, and more

by Alison Green on March 24, 2016

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I avoid a farewell dinner from the job that’s letting me go?

My question is regarding a farewell dinner that I’d really rather avoid attending. I was recently let go from a small company. The circumstances were pretty reasonable. I understand their reasons were not personal and not related to my work performance. However, I have been frustrated and upset by the way they have handled the process, and ultimately I feel a bit bitter about leaving.

As my final date draws closer, the boss has been suggesting a farewell dinner. As it’s a long weekend, I made the excuse that I needed to get home and pack for a trip. That led to a conversation about alternative dates, which I’ve managed to deflect with the excuse that I’ll be busy with other activities.

My excuses are running out though – they’ve now suggested that I choose a time that I’m free and they’ll work around my schedule. How can I gracefully let the boss know that I’d prefer not to be the guest of honour at an awkward dinner? If I have a conversation which betrays the fact that I’m more upset about leaving than they realize, will that make it more difficult to leave on good terms?

I was originally going to suggest that you plead a busy schedule between now and then, but they’ll probably just change it from a dinner to a workday lunch. So I’d say this: “I appreciate the thought — thank you. I’m actually not one for formal farewell events, so I’d prefer to say my goodbyes informally, but it’s really kind of you to make the offer.”

2. Should I speak up about my coworker’s unpaid overtime?

My coworker and I are both non-exempt hourly employees. When I was hired, our boss was very clear that I needed to make sure I kept my to 40 hours/week except when we have special events. I know she has had a similar conversation with my coworker multiple times, and she has explicitly told him that he can’t work unpaid overtime. Despite this, I know he’s staying late and often working from home. This morning I came in and found an email from him timestamped 12:30 a.m.! (For what it’s worth, I think this is both because he has too much work to get done in the work day and because his time management skills are abysmal. He has also implied that he enjoys the rush of pushing deadlines/being too busy.)

I’ve been firm where this directly overlaps with my job–for example, I won’t let him borrow equipment I’m responsible for so that he can use it outside of work hours, because I don’t want to get in trouble if something happens to it. Usually, though, it doesn’t affect me much, other than in that it gives him more room to mismanage his time (which has occasionally impacted his ability to do tasks that I’ve requested). Do I have any responsibility to mention it to my boss, especially since our performance reviews are next week? Or is this none of my business?

I don’t think you’re obligated to mention it as long as you’re not in a management role (over anyone, not just him; if you are, that makes you part of the company’s management team and you should speak up). But I also don’t think you’d be out of line if you did mention it, since what he’s doing is exposing the company to legal risk. (They’re required to pay him for that overtime, even if he’s not logging it.)

3. A messy salary situation with board members

Last year, I was hired by a local nonprofit community center to start a program that over time became large enough to spin off into its own nonprofit. I am now the director and only employee of this new nonprofit. The director of the old nonprofit is my board president. Another member of my board has led a different, very successful program at the old nonprofit for almost 10 years, and is also a friend.

A few weeks ago, this board member confided to me that she hasn’t had a raise in several years, and that every time she asks for one, she is turned down by her director (my board president.) Together we strategized ways she might approach asking for a raise again, as well as raises for her underpaid staff. I didn’t think about this conversation again until a few days ago, when I was meeting with my board president (her director) to go through applications for a new position I am looking to fill. I am the only employee of my new organization, but filling this new position will make me a manager. While discussing the salary of the new position, my board president (out of nowhere) suggested that we raise my salary once the new person comes on, since I will be adding new responsibilities.

I am happy about the raise (especially since this is nonprofit work we’re talking about, so the salary is small compared to the private sector), but now I feel like I’ve been put in an awkward position. With this raise, I will be making more than the board member who has been running a much larger program for several years, and I didn’t even have to ask for it.

This wouldn’t be an issue if my board president weren’t also her boss. Under normal circumstances, I would just keep this to myself, because I don’t know the specifics of her situation or performance, but since she’s on my board she’s eventually going to see my organizational budget and new salary. I also am not sure if my salary is something the board should vote on (our bylaws don’t explicitly outline this.) Is there anything I should do or say in this situation? Do I take the raise, or suggest it be put to a vote? I have worked for enough dysfunctional nonprofits by now to know I should value my healthy, functioning board of directors. I don’t want this to breed the beginnings of resentment, but I also don’t want to turn down a raise! What should I do?

It’s not outrageous that you’d earn more than she does, since you’re running the organization, whereas she’s running (presumably a department). Granted, it’s an organization of two, but it’s still a different type of responsibility (and presumably includes fundraising and other responsibilities that are different from hers). But even aside from that, you should keep your pay and her pay separate in your mind. They’re two separate organizations, and there’s no reason for your salary and her salary to have anything to do with each other.

As for whether your salary should be voted on your board or whether your board chair has the authority to approve it herself, just ask her that! (“Should the board vote on this, or are we able to just move forward with it?”)

My bigger concern here is actually be all this cross-pollination between the two organizations, which has the potential to create conflicts of interest — or just conflicts — over time. I’d work on bringing in new board members who aren’t part of the other organization.

4. Can employer force me to give them access to my personal phone for work?

My employer wants to take away my company-provided Blackberry and install MDM software on my personal smartphone. Since it’s my phone and accesses not just my data, but my family’s, I don’t want to give them access. Can they force me to?

I understand that they can require me to provide my own “equipment” like uniforms, or physical tools. But this has implications beyond what I wear, or a a screwdriver that I hold in my hand—not just for my own privacy, but for other people’s, whose consent is not implicated in my employment.

Yep, they can. And yep, the privacy implications are really troubling.

This page has some tips for protecting your privacy in this situation, including thinking about having a separate personal device.

5. Explaining I’ll need time off to attend the trial for the death of a family member

A close family member died last year (think parent/sibling/child) and criminal action is being taken over the circumstances surrounding their death. I haven’t worked since their death (around six months) but am going to be job-hunting once I move cross-country with my boyfriend’s job in several weeks’ time. We don’t have a fixed date or timeline for the trial yet, but obviously I would require some/all of the time off work. Whether that is paid or not is immaterial at this point: my question is how do I bring this up?

Of course, when interviewers ask about upcoming holiday time that’s easy because it’s two fixed dates, for a positive reason and ta-da. But when it’s something like this – when the backstory is grim, has made national news and has an uncertain timeline – it’s harder to bring up without burdening the interviewer with my life story. I’m keen to get back to work, and the timescale will almost certainly be too long to just not to work until everything’s over. What approach would you take when explaining the need for time off?

I’m so sorry. I’d say this: “My family member was killed last year, and I’d like to attend the trial, but it hasn’t been scheduled yet. Could we arrange for me to take roughly X days off when that happens? I’d be fine with taking it unpaid if I need to.”

Or, if you’d prefer to disclose less, you could change that first clause to “my family member was the victim of a serious crime last year.”

Read an update to this letter here.

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I don’t want to throw my team under the bus about a mistake that wasn’t my fault

by Alison Green on March 23, 2016

A reader writes:

I’m a now not-so-recent college graduate in her first big girl job and I’m not entirely sure how to phrase an issue to my boss. I have an manager who works out of state. The manager works directly and most closely with me on day-to-day operations on our projects and I supervise the team, though we have a very loose management structure due to it being a very small team of me and two other people. One of those people has a more specialist job title than me and was originally going to be MY boss until a switch up before the project started.

This project has already had one stock shortage issue due to my own personal error. I took responsibility and the issue was taken care of, but not without cost to the company. My manager was understanding that this is my first job in a capacity like this and I was promoted quickly from a very junior position by necessity so mistakes can happen.

Now we have a second stock shortage that is not my fault at all. We had the correct stock for an item we make; I did a stock check as recently as the first week of this month, and there is email between my manager and I tracking this. I took a day out for an illness and came back to find that we were short of stock after my two employees worked on putting together that product while I was out. I don’t know the exact culprit between the two employees and it’s not important who it was; there is no way they stole the item (it’s a completely unusable item outside the context we use it in and has no resale value). But I have no idea how to best phrase to my manager that while I was out for a sick day, stock got misplaced and possibly disposed of.

I don’t want to throw my team members under the bus, but I wasn’t here and I and my team and a third party have searched up and down to try to find the misplaced item. My boss threatened to take it out of someone’s paycheck if we had another stock shortage. At this point, I don’t even really care if it comes out of my paycheck (it won’t be THAT expensive but it won’t be cheap either, but I can deal with it). But I also know my boss will be mad if I offer take responsibility for someone else’s mistake because we’ve had trouble with carelessness with these two employees in other areas of the job as well. I’m just completely at a loss for how to tell my manager about the issue without sounding like I’m throwing my team under the bus. I don’t want to sound like I’m taking the blame and covering for two trouble employees, which would make me sound like I don’t know how to properly manage/supervise my team. Suggestions?

First, you must stop calling it a “big girl job” immediately because you are a grown woman, and you are undermining yourself with that language.

Next, it’s not throwing people under the bus to say, “Hey, this mistake happened on the day I was out sick and I’m trying to figure out how. We’ve searched up and down to try to find the item and haven’t been able to. It’s possible it was inadvertently thrown away. I’m looking into how this could have happened, and my plan for ensuring this doesn’t happen in the future is ____.”

That blank is the key part of this. You need to have a plan for addressing this, because it’s apparently a big deal. If you can’t figure out what kind of plan you could put in place, then that’s something to talk to your boss about. As in: “I want to put a plan in place to avoid this in the future, and I hoped I could talk with you about what might look like like.” Ideally you’d have some thinking on this already done so that you can say things like “I considered X but the drawback of that is Y, and I considered Z but I’m concerned about W” — so that it’s clear that you’re working on this and not just dumping it in your boss’s lap.

Also, you said that there’s been a pattern of carelessness with these two employees, and that’s a big deal. Your manager is right to be concerned about that and to want you to address it. So as part of this conversation, I’d be prepared to talk about what you’re doing about that broader pattern. Are you spot-checking their work more often? Giving them additional training? Warning them about the seriousness of the problem and watching them more closely to ensure they’re improving? Whatever you’re doing to address it, that should be part of this situation too.

None of this is throwing anyone under the bus (and really, I’d avoid that frame for most work things, especially straightforward information-sharing). It’s just being transparent with your manager and trying to problem-solve, which is exactly what most managers will want to see from you.

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when a reliable employee starts making mistakes

by Alison Green on March 23, 2016

A reader writes:

I have an employee who has been working in payroll and purchasing for 2 years with little to no incidents. However, lately there has been a constant stream of mistakes; one in particular required deleting the whole payroll and rekeying it by hand. It is like this employee went home one day and came back the next day and forgot all the knowledge they had obtained. I have this person work from their manuals in order to avoid further incidence. Any suggestions on what on earth is going on?

You can read my answer to this question — and four others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and often updating/expanding my answers to them).

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my office is being overrun by misbehaving dogs

by Alison Green on March 23, 2016

A reader writes:

I’ve been at my new company, a 15-person firm a little over a year old, for about six months now. I generally enjoy the work and my colleagues but find myself increasing stressed and agitated at work because of the presence of a misbehaving puppy who is there every day. We have an open office plan, so I can’t avoid her. She barks, whines, plays with loud toys, steals food, chews other people’s personal belongings, and rummages through trash in ways that are incredibly distracting for much of the work day. Even worse are the days where the boss brings in his dog, which is about once a week. Then much of the day the office becomes a complete circus with both dogs barking and chasing each other and roughhousing.

I know a lot of people at the office like the dogs, but I absolutely cannot stand the distractions they cause and am becoming pretty demoralized over the diminished productivity in an already overworked office. When I was interviewed, they mentioned to me that the boss sometimes brings his dog to the office and I said I was fine with that, as I assumed it was an occasional thing and the dog was well behaved. The biggest problem is with the new puppy, who belongs to a mid-level employee and started coming to the office every day about two weeks after I was hired. He is now nearly a young adult dog and his owner has made no effort to improve his office behavior.

I’ve gotten the sense that the firm’s most senior boss, who is only in the office about a week, is also not pleased with the zoo environment. But he is about the only one with real power to change it, and he hasn’t done anything. I also don’t know him all that well. He’s only in the office once or twice a week and deals primarily with finances and our out-of-town operations as opposed to the day-to-day operations of this office.

Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this? I’m reaching wit’s end and would be seriously looking for another job if I didn’t think it’d be bad for my career at this point (I’m still relatively entry-level and have not had a solid employment history).

Well, you could develop a dog allergy.

Offices that allow dogs but don’t lay out expectations for the behavior of said dogs (and their humans) are asking for this kind of thing. Responsible dog-allowing offices have clear policies that specify how often dogs can come in, what behavior isn’t acceptable while they’re there (such as making lots of noise, damaging property, roaming unattended, or being aggressive toward humans or other dogs), and what happens if those rules are violated (generally, the dog can’t come to the office anymore).

In any case, a few options for you:

1. Talk directly to the owner of the misbehaving puppy. Say something like this: “Jane, I’m finding it hard to focus when Xavier is barking and whining, and I’ve noticed she’s sometimes stealing food and chewing on people’s stuff. Is there a way for you to keep a closer eye on her?”

Of course, it’s probably true that if Jane is going to be receptive to this, she probably would have already been on top of the problem without you saying anything. But it’s possible that speaking up will help, and even if it doesn’t, you want to be able to say that you tried talking to her directly.

2. With a 15-person office, I’m guessing you don’t have HR. But is there a second-in-command or someone else who has some responsibility for the day-to-day functioning of the office? If so, I’d talk to that person and explain the issue, focusing on the impact on your work. If there isn’t someone like that, you could try having this conversation with your manager.

3. Feel out other coworkers to see if anyone else is feeling the same way as you. There’s greater power in groups, and if a group of you says “hey, this is too much,” it will be harder to ignore.

4. Suggest implementing formal dog guidelines for the office. This is admittedly a little tricky to do as someone new. If you were in a more senior role, you could probably pull it off, but it sounds like you’re pretty junior so your chances of success with this will depend on what kind of standing you’ve established in the office so far. But if people generally like you and you’ve built up some credibility, you might have some capital to spend on this. (It’s not like it’s an outrageous suggestion, after all.) You could simply say, “I’ve found the dogs pretty distracting lately. I’ve read that companies that allow dogs often have guidelines in place to make it work smoothly — could we consider something like that?” (There are samples here and here.)

If nothing else, this might at least start what sounds like a badly needed conversation.

5. There’s always that dog allergy.

You should not really fake an allergy. That is a joke.

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employee takes a vacation day every week, listing Airbnb hosting on a resume, and more

by Alison Green on March 23, 2016

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee takes a vacation day every week

I’m hoping you can tell me if there is anything that can be done about an employee who had admitted to taking one vacation day a week each month so that he is working only four days a week most months of the year! He has told me that this is exactly what he intends. He’s an exempt employee and receives a very good vacation package. The only time he doesn’t request a day off for a week is when we have a paid holiday (we have all the federal holidays off each year). This makes scheduling very difficult since public service points have to be staffed during all open hours. My supervisors say there is nothing to be done. But I wonder.

If you’re not his manager, there’s nothing you can do. But certainly if his manager objected, she could intervene — there’s no reason his manager couldn’t say, “Your job is intended to be a five-day-a-week job the majority of the time. It causes X and Y impacts when you’re regularly working an abbreviated week, so going forward, I need you to use your vacation time differently than you have been, so that most of the time we can count on you being here for the full week.”

2. The person who got the job I applied for told my current boss about it

Recently, I applied for a new job. Not because I don’t like where I work, but the business is going under; the owner has let us know it’s in huge trouble and she wants out from under. I have two children to support and need to start seeking a back-up plan.

Apparently the decision came down to two candidates and another woman got the job. Friday, she came into my place of employment (she used to work here years ago and is friends with the person up front). She announced to my current manager (her friend) and the owner that I applied and didn’t get the job, but she did. She revealed personal information I said in my interview along with numerous other issues bragging how she got the position, and I didn’t. I was livid and embarrassed but kept my mouth shut.

My current employer is wonderful and I feel terrible. I will talk to her Monday. This person completely violated my privacy and may have jeopardized my current position. Should I let this company that hired her know what she did? This is a small community and the dental field even smaller. I’m really angry and now fear for the job I have now. I’m trying to seek advice before I act!

She was totally out of line and you’re right to feel shocked at her behavior, and at the company that apparently relayed to her things that you said in your interview. I don’t think there’s much to be gained by complaining to the company that hired her, however.

The good news here is that your boss isn’t likely to be shocked that you were interviewing someone else, since she has clearly told you that the business is in trouble and she’s trying to get out. Most people would be job searching in your shoes, and your boss will hopefully understand that.

3. Can an employer record private conversations in our offices?

I know it is legal for employers to monitor employees’ computers and what their Internet activity is. However, I have just learned that our boss (and probably the IT guy) is also listening in our offices. Except for support staff, we all have private offices. The only way this could be done is through spyware installed and the microphones on our laptops. Is this legal? Is there a difference between random, ambient listening and recording? I always thought it was illegal to record someone without their knowledge and consent.

I am not sure how often this has happened or if it is something new, but it is also somehow not surprising. I have been planning to leave this job for over a year, and will be giving notice very soon, possibly tomorrow! There are a variety of issues with this very toxic office, and I am glad to be leaving after 13 long years. The reasons I have stayed so long don’t matter at this point, but, I am curious to hear your take on the listening.

It depends on your state, but mostly courts have ruled that employers can record at work because there’s little or no expectation of privacy in the workplace. And the Electronic Communications Privacy Act allows employers to install recording devices in any location used primarily for work, so that would exempt bathrooms and cafeterias, for example, but allow offices. (But some states, such as Connecticut, have stricter privacy laws that prohibit this, so you need to know your state.)

Typically, though, if an employer is recording at work, they’ll include a consent statement somewhere in that paperwork that you signed your first day of work and/or will include a policy allowing that kind of monitoring in their employee handbook.

4. Having lunch with the person whose job I got after she was fired

A few years ago, I started as an assistant to a small department. I ended up becoming decently good friends with B, the person in the role directly above mine in the hierarchy. Last year, B was asked to leave the company and I was promoted to her role. B handled her departure very professionally and, from what I could tell, on good terms with everyone in the department. At the time of her departure, B was not aware that I was to be her replacement. We haven’t been in touch since her last day at the office.

Which brings me to my question. After many months of job searching, B has recently found a new job in a slightly different area of our industry. In her new role, B and I will interact occasionally – a few emails here and there, and in-person meetings a few times a year, with the first meeting approaching imminently. On one hand, I am looking forward to seeing her again, as I always enjoyed our friendly, jokey rapport in the office. But at the same time, I worry that the events I described above are simply too uncomfortable to handle with anything other than the strictest professionalism. I assume that by now she’s figured out that I’ve taken over her former job (which she’d once told me was her dream job), and no matter how gracefully she handled her departure, on some level, she must feel some resentment towards a combination of me/my manager/the company. Do you have any advice for how to navigate our upcoming lunch meeting?

The best, most gracious thing that you can do is to act as if it’s not weird and she doesn’t resent it. If it’s not weird for her and she doesn’t resent it, it would be condescending to her to imply otherwise. And if it is weird for her and she does resent it, it will still make it easier on her if you don’t act like it’s a Big Awkward Thing to be tiptoed around. Act normal, and it’s likely to go fine.

(And really, if she does have resentment toward your company, it’s unlikely to be toward you personally. You didn’t scheme to push her out of the job so that you could have it, and she almost certainly knows that.)

5. Listing Airbnb hosting on a resume

What do you think about including shared economy activities on your resume/LinkedIn profile and bringing it up in interviews? My husband and I are hosts on Airbnb, which involves a lot of coordination, hospitality, scheduling, and business management/accounting (we receive a 1099 from Airbnb).

I’ve brought it up in an interview before as an example for handling a difficult situation after using another office example (they asked about how I would handle a participant arriving late/needing after-hours assistance and I had a perfect example from a guest arriving from out of the country/their flight being delayed).

It feels a little strange to bring up and I couldn’t gauge the reaction during my interview, but it’s also a large part of my life outside of work (we host (renting our basement room) about 75% of the time).

I wouldn’t include it on your resume; I think to many people, it will read as not quite resume-worthy. However, I don’t see anything wrong with mentioning it in an interview if it provides a relevant example of something they’re asking you to illustrate from your past experience.

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how do I tell a laid-off coworker that her old job is open but she shouldn’t apply?

by Alison Green on March 22, 2016

A reader writes:

A former coworker of mine, Padmé, was laid off when we were faced with severe budget cuts a few years back. I feel certain that she would still be working here, if not for the required cuts. However, it wasn’t just a seniority thing; she was chosen as the least best vs. other coworkers. She did have a few things she could have improved on – probably not PIP-worthy, but mentionable in a performance review. A coworker, Leia, took over Padmé’s responsibilities, and Leia’s more diverse job duties were spread around.

Since then, Padmé has applied for job openings here that she was qualified for. We even had a recent job vacancy (at a slightly lower level) in our group, but the job went to an amazing temp, Rey, who had been working here in another area for a few months. Padmé and I have kept in touch and she asked me about the situation, and I told her that Rey got the job. Padmé did not even get an interview; there were enough more appealing candidates available.

Budget-wise, things have changed dramatically and we could now refill the old position. Padmé asked me if Leia was a shoo-in (she was, but I didn’t know if she wanted it at the time); in my reply, I hinted that the head of our section perhaps did not view Padmé in a most favorable light. This shouldn’t be a shock to Padmé; it was explained to her why she was chosen to be cut before she was let go.

Well, now that Leia is going back to her previous position, Padmé’s old job will be open. I am almost positive that Rey will apply and get it. And rightly so; Rey has shown this through her great work and ability to get along with everyone.

Now I have the awkward conversation issue. I’m not the hiring manager, but I feel like I should tell Padmé that her old job is opening up before she sees it online. We have just stayed in touch as friends, mostly through social media. We’re not close friends, but it would seem weird if I didn’t mention the job opening to her, and I’m assuming she will ask me about it when she sees it online. I don’t want her to get her hopes up or waste her time when there is nearly zero chance she will get it or even Rey’s future vacancy. I think the head of our section has her mind set against Padmé.

Do have some of your magic wording that can help me inform Padmé about the job opening or respond to her if she asks about it? I just dread that sick feeling in my stomach if I see a message from her asking me if I think she has a chance of being hired back. I don’t know how to respond.

This is so very much not your responsibility to handle.

It’s kind of you to be thinking about Padmé, but her emotions aren’t yours to manage, and the hiring process (or ultimate hiring decision) isn’t yours to explain. In fact, the person who is in charge of this hiring process (or other managers at your company) may very much not want you to give Padmé your opinion about her chances; it’s possible that you could inadvertently say something that contradicts whatever messaging they’ve used in the past.

I would stay out of this. I wouldn’t even point the job opening out to her, since doing that is likely to imply that you think she should apply for it. And if she asks you about the opening, it’s really not your role to manage her expectations or nudge her to realize that she’s not likely to get hired back.

If she were a close friend, it could be a kindness to help her get a more realistic view of the situation (explaining that being chosen for a layoff because of performance means that she’s not likely to be a top candidate there in the future). But she’s not a close friend, and you risk sharing things that aren’t really yours to share.

What you want here is neutral, uninvolved language: “I’m not sure what their plans are for the opening. I don’t know much more than what’s in the job description!” And then if pressed for more, “The best person for you to talk to would be (hiring manager).”

Read an update to this letter here.

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3 things great managers tell their teams

by Alison Green on March 22, 2016

As a manager, you’re on a stage – meaning that your staff members pay a lot of attention to what you say and do. Your words will carry an enormous amount of weight with team members and what you say matters enormously, probably more than you realize.

Here are three things that great managers say to their teams – and which will probably help you get better results from yours.

1. “Let’s test your idea.” Some ideas are so obviously great that it’s a no-brainer to move forward with them. But others are murkier – they might have strong elements, but you might also see some significant challenges with them. Those challenges might make you want to simply say no – but part of the value of having a team is that you have multiple brains and perspectives at work. If you always shut down ideas that don’t 100% resonate with you, you’re probably losing some of the power of having all those different minds at work.

Instead, look for opportunities to say “sure, let’s test it.” Of course, note that this isn’t the same thing as saying “yes, let’s make this a major priority and shift large amounts of money to it.” Rather, this is finding relatively low-stakes ways to test ideas and see how they do. If you’re like most managers, you’ll probably find yourself surprised that at least some ideas that you weren’t enamored of actually turn into successes when people are allowed to experiment. And if they don’t, you’ll have shown your team that you’re willing to give them some space to try things and learn from them, which is exactly the sort of environment that generates fresh thinking and innovation.

2. “What aren’t you getting done?” Managers often spend a lot of time talking about projects that are happening, but often don’t think to check into what’s not happening. But on a busy team where people are pulled in many directions, chances are high that something might be getting pushed to the back burner – and you want to know what those things are. This conversation gives you the chance to say, “Actually, X is more important than Y, so let’s push Y back instead / bring in additional help / delegate X to someone else / think about whether we need to do X at all.”

Of course, in asking this, you need to make it clear that it’s not a “gotcha” – your tone needs to be “I understand how busy you are and that you probably can’t get to everything,” not “You might be in trouble if you answer this truthfully.”

3. “What do you think?” Managers are often too quick to make decisions or give direction in areas where their staff members are perfectly well-equipped to decide how to proceed. Sometimes this is because managers are used to giving guidance that it becomes almost an auto-pilot response: someone brings you a problem, you suggest a solution. But if you make yourself pause and instead ask, “What do you think?” before you suggest a path to try, you might find that your staff person comes up with a good solution on her own – and possibly even a better one.

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my boss keeps telling me I “have a face on”

by Alison Green on March 22, 2016

A reader writes:

My boss frequently tells me I “have a face on” while he is conversing with me about issues that have arisen in meetings. Obviously I’m not doing this on purpose, and I keep my face as neutral as I can. But I’m young, I’m extremely busy/stressed at work, and he is often incredibly unhelpful.

There is also a small part of me that feels like he says it to belittle me. Because I honestly have no idea what my response should be, and I don’t know what it achieves to point out that my face is showing frustration (or whatever it is he’s seeing).

How would you respond? Is there a secret way to keep everything I’m feeling off my face?

I wrote back and asked: “Do you think that your face does look frustrated? Are you feeling frustrated/stressed during these conversations (and is it believable that it might be showing)? Or is it just like your normal face and he’s mis-reading you?” The letter-writer’s response:

I’m often stressed during the meetings, so yes it’s entirely possible I’m pulling a face. But definitely not on purpose.

Okay. So, if in fact your face is showing frustration, your boss is making a reasonable point (although using rather juvenilizing language to do it).

If he’s giving you feedback or delegating work or having any of the other routine conversations that a manager will have with you, it is a problem if you regularly look frustrated. With most professional jobs, you’re expected to manage your emotions so that you’re not injecting negativity into these sorts of interactions. Regularly looking pissed off while talking with your manager isn’t good; you’ve just got to have more of a poker face than that.

Obviously that’s easier said than done, but a lot of it stems from mindset. Ideally in these conversations your mindset would be open/collaborative/problem-solving. You want to come across as if you’re seeking to understand your boss’s point of view more than feeling resistant to it. It’s not that you can’t disagree, but you’re going to get the best results if you listen to him with an open mind, even if after mulling it over later, you decide you totally disagree.

It also might help to simply practice keeping your face in a reasonably neutral position. You don’t need to have a rah-rah expression, but there’s a difference between “I’m calmly taking in what you’re saying” and “I hate what you’re saying.”

There’s more advice on developing a poker face here.

Meanwhile, assuming that you’re not going to master this overnight, if he says something about it again, I’d say something like, “Hmmm, I don’t mean to. I’m focusing on listening to what you’re saying/trying to figure out X/working with you to address Y.” If relevant, you can add, “I’ll admit that I am pretty stressed because of X” or “I’m having trouble understanding Y — can we talk more about that?” or whatever makes sense in the context.

But all that said, it sounds like the bigger issue is: What’s going on that has you so frequently stressed and unhappy in your conversations with your boss? Are the two of you regularly out of sync on how work should be done? Is he just a jerk? Not good at his job? Giving you lots of critical feedback? Giving you an unrealistic workload? Ideally, with whatever’s at the root of it, you’d either discuss it head-on, or decide that he’s not going to change and that you need to decide if you can work there reasonably happily knowing that this is part of the package.

But continuing to work there while looking obviously upset a lot isn’t a good option. That’s going to impact how others perceive you and over time will impact your reputation.

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I’m in so many meetings that I don’t have time to do my job, being called “manageress,” and more

by Alison Green on March 22, 2016

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m in so many meetings that I don’t have time to do my job

After an extended unemployment, I finally got my dream job at a place I have long wanted to work. I love my team and the project work is interesting. However, the environment is intensely meeting-heavy, which leaves little time for me to do the work I’ve been hired to do (I can’t work during meetings). The culture places a high value on collaboration and positivity, so I have been gently warned not to complain or question in any way that may come across as negative; one friend actually suggested that I am just going to have to suck it up and put in my eight hours of meetings and then go home and take the three to four hours a night I need to do my work, off the clock.

I quit a job after being burned out from years of working in a high-pressure environment (hence the unemployment). I don’t want to get to that point again, yet I want to make a good impression by being a good team player and still do a high quality of work. I’d love any suggestions you might have!

Ignore the friend telling you to do hours of work off the clock every night. And is the person who warned you never to question things someone who works at your new office, or someone outside it? If the latter, definitely ignore them; if the former, pay a lot of attention to their positioning in the office and what you know of their judgment in general when deciding how much weight to give their input, since you can find people who think silly and wrong things in most offices.

It’s not “not being a team player” to tell your boss that you’re having trouble finding non-meeting time to do your work. It’s possible that you don’t need to be in all the meetings you’re in, or that there’s some other trick to carve out time for your actual work. Talk to your boss, explain what’s going on, and ask for her insight into how to navigate it. (There’s also lots of advice about tackling this here and here.)

2. Employee keeps referring to me as his “manageress”

I was recently promoted from a four person team and became the head of that team, replacing a male manager who departed.

I have no complaints, except that one person consistently refers to me in emails to others as his “manageress” instead of his “manager” – e.g. “I’ve copied my manageress into this email”.

Even with that person, I have no complaints about his performance, which makes me think I should just let it drop, but I wanted to ask if you think that’s the right thing to do and also if it’s normal to refer to female managers as “manageresses”?

No, it’s not normal. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s doing it because he thinks it’s funny, but I think you need to tell him to stop because why does he need your gender to be such a focus of how he identifies you at work? Also, it’s like the problem with saying “male nurse” or “woman cop”; he’s saying that he thinks that men are the default for managers.

I’d say this: “Hey, Bob, I know that’s meant to be funny, but please cut it out since it’s too putting too much focus on gender. Thank you.”

(Also, for some reason I’m picturing this guy as the “hello, m’lady” guy from this Amy Schumer sketch.)

3. My mentor said he didn’t tell me he applied for the same job as me because he was “bound by confidentiality”

I have a mentor of sorts who I just found out had applied to the same job I had applied for and not told me, even though I had talked to him about the job and about my applying for it. The job ad was very public and expected (the previous person had left) so it’s not like he found out about the job from me. He said he was bound by confidentiality so could not tell me. I was not told in any of my interviews (or ever, really) that I could not disclose that I was applying to this job. Is there some unwritten rule of confidentiality that I don’t know about?

Neither of us got the job, but I feel like my trust in him has been really shaken, as I I can’t really think of any reason why he could not have given me a heads-up. I was not going to blab to anyone that he was applying, just as my assumption is that our conversations about career paths and job hunting in particular were confidential.

No, there’s no unwritten rule that you can’t tell people about jobs you’ve applied for. I think his “bound by confidentiality” was just a super awkward way to explain why he didn’t say anything to you. The real reason he didn’t say anything to you was probably that he felt uncomfortable about it and didn’t know how to bring it up. “Bound by feelings of awkwardness” would be more accurate.

I don’t know that you should look at it as a trust-breaker though. I mean, now you know that you can’t count on him to deliver awkward news in a forthright manner, and that’s useful to know. But I doubt he meant it as a betrayal or anything like that.

4. Director is pressuring employees to support her run for professional office

The director of my workplace is running for office in our professional organization. The director recently asked one of my direct reports, Jill, to endorse her on social media. Jill is not a member of this organization (and thus cannot vote in the election) and doesn’t think it’s right, since she is a paid subordinate. Jill feels very uncomfortable about this and asked me what to do, but I’m also at a loss! Help?

If you have good rapport with the director, I’d say something to her like, “Hey, while you’re running, I think it’s important not to ask employees to endorse you, because it’s going to look like a conflict of interest since you’re their boss, or may just make people feel like they don’t have a choice.”

Otherwise, I’d tell Jill to ignore the request in the hopes that it was a one-off but that if it happens again, she should feel free to say “Oh, I’m not a member of the RSA” (plus, if she’s comfortable, “I think would look bad since I’m your employee and it would be seen as a conflict of interest”). Also, tell her to let you know if that does happen, because at that point you really do need to say something yourself if Jill doesn’t feel like her response put it to rest.

5. Mentioning a layoff in a LinkedIn recommendation

The company I work for recently laid off a lot of great people. I worked directly with some of them, so I know they weren’t just pleasant to chat with but also really good at their jobs. I plan to write recommendations for a few of them on LinkedIn (not the valueless “Does this person have skills in Microsoft Word?” endorsements, but a written recommendation that talks about their skills and attitudes). Is it appropriate to mention the layoffs in the recommendation? For example, “We were all very sad to see John go in a recent layoff” as a lead-in to the rest of the recommendation. Good, because it gives a good reason for the departure? Or is it not done for some other reason, such as the fact that it advertises we had layoffs?

Eh, I wouldn’t. Some people are still weird about advertising that they were laid off. Plus, it doesn’t really strengthen the recommendation. Focus on what made the person great at their job.

That said, also be aware that LinkedIn recommendations aren’t give a ton of weight (in part because they were written for the recommendee to see, so employers know they may not tell the whole story) so you might be better able to help people in other ways, like by connecting them with job leads and offering to serve as a reference (which is different from writing a recommendation).

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I interviewed for a job that apparently doesn’t exist

by Alison Green on March 21, 2016

A reader writes:

I recently interviewed for a bodily injury adjuster position with a major insurance company. I need some help understanding what happened. This is all very strange.

The interview went really well. I knew walking out of it that I had nailed it. The interviewer seemed genuinely impressed, asked me a lot of questions even after he finished the ones he had prepared, and tried to sell me on the company, and we really clicked personality-wise. The interview was supposed to last an hour, but it was about 1 hour and 45 minutes. Afterwards, he walked me around the office and introduced me to several people. We even discussed a potential start date in mid-April.

I got a call on Wednesday from the recruiter, who told me the hiring manager said I did “exceedingly well” in the interview, that I was an “extremely impressive” candidate, and they wanted me to work for them. Then she said, “Unfortunately, we don’t have any positions available right now.” I was very confused and asked if they had hired someone. She said they had not, that there was never an open position, and that they were only exploring external candidates for potential future openings. They do not have any openings anticipated at this time. She said they were very impressed with me, though, and that the hiring manager wants to find a position for me somewhere with the company. So she offered me the opportunity to interview again with a different manager for a position that pays about $10k less annually.

At this point, I am so confused and angry, though I didn’t show it. I asked her to get some clarification from the manager I interviewed with, because the job posting didn’t say anything about the position being for an undetermined future date, nor was it mentioned in my phone interview or any follow-up calls. In fact, the recruiter herself wasn’t aware there wasn’t actually a job until that day.

I explained I has asked the manager what the start date was, and he said it was flexible, and then we discussed a possible start date next month. Then I asked him when he expected to make a decision, and he said it would be next (this) week. I was surprised, since they had just posted the job, so I confirmed he would be making a hiring decision next week. How do you hire someone for a nonexistent job?!

The recruiter checked with the manager and called me back, stating there is no position at this time and that the hiring manager thought he made that clear. I am quite positive he did not say anything of the sort. She told me he did really like me and wants to get me in the door some way, so that is why they want me to interview for the other position.

I declined to do that, because I can’t afford a pay cut, and because I was getting some serious red flags. I told her to tell the manager thank you for the opportunity and that I appreciated meeting with him and learning more about the company, and to please convey my continued enthusiasm for the position we discussed, if an opening becomes available.

This morning, they reposted the job. It still does not say it is for a potential future opening.

I am so angry and confused. I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this job. I updated my resume, wrote a cover letter, filled out an extensive online application. Then I did an hour-long exam to show I was qualified. Then I did a phone interview, using my vacation time at work. Then I completed a detailed online profile with the company and did a background check that required me to provide the dates and addresses for every job I’ve ever had and every place I’ve lived for the past 10 years (I even had to reach out to previous landlords and roommates to make sure it was accurate). And for the interview itself, I spent countless hours preparing for different questions. All for a job that doesn’t exist.

I just don’t know what to think here. Can you make any sense of this situation?

What I make of it is that they’re inconsiderate and dishonest.

Sometimes things like this can be innocent miscommunications. But when you have the interviewer talking about a start date within a few weeks and telling you that he’ll make a hiring decision within a week, that’s not innocent miscommunication — that’s someone who’s deliberately giving you misleading information. Or, I suppose it could be someone who’s really, really inept at communication and life in general. But for them to then repost the same job posting again, with no indication that there’s no actual job — even after they know that a job candidate just had major confusion over this — well, those are people who do not give an F whose time they’re wasting.

As for why they’re doing it … it’s hard to put logical reasons on nonsense, but I’d guess that they’ve decided to “see who’s out there,” “get a feel for the current market,” “kick some tires,” or any of the other euphemisms for “we’re feeling indecisive and not sure what to do next.”

Alternately, it’s possible that they were prepared to hire you for the job they talked to you about if certain things fell into place — funding came through, or you totally wowed them, or Fergus in Sales actually followed through on his threat to leave, or who knows what. But if something like that was the case, they should have been up-front with you about that.

To be clear, it’s totally fine for employers to talk to candidates without definite openings to hire for as long as they’re up-front with candidates that that’s what they’re doing, so that those candidates can decide for themselves whether they’re up for that or not.

What they did to you (and to the recruiter) was rude. I’d cross them off your list even if they do come back to you with something more definite in the future, unless they have a compelling answer to what this was all about.

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