Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss told me to stop emailing him

My boss has asked me to stop sending emails (even though I have explained I want them as a record) and to talk to him face to face instead. He has pulled me up on it twice and in front of the office accused me of being nervous to talk to him. I regularly speak to him face to face, but when I have important information I am communicating with him, I have always been taught from previous roles to have an email record. His response was that he is getting angry that I send him emails. What would you recommend? I would feel extremely uncomfortable not having email records.

There are all sorts of reasons your boss might want you to send him fewer emails, like that he’s trying to manage an overflowing in-box, or that he finds it more efficient to have a conversation where there can be real-time back-and-forth, or that he simply prefers communicating in person. Regardless, he’s your boss and if he’s telling you to do that, you need to do it. He gets to make this call, regardless of what you were taught in previous jobs; this isn’t a situation where there’s only one standard of rightness that’s so important that you must adhere to it even when your boss is telling you otherwise. Do what he’s asking.

If there are issues where your boss is misremembering conversations and you want a record for that reason, or where that’s not happening but you want a record anyway, keep your own notes. That doesn’t have to happen via email.

2. A job interviewer taped me without my consent

I had a third interview with a company today. While meeting with the hiring manager, I noticed mid-way through the interview that I was being recorded by a webcam. The manager acknowledged that I was being recorded and then asked for my consent. I begrudgingly gave it and we continued. I did not want to say no in fear of losing the job. However, I began questioning my mannerisms and verbiage. I don’t mind being recorded as long as I know about it beforehand. When I left the interview I didn’t think much of it, but now that I have had some time to think, I have a bad taste in my mouth.

I live in Florida, and I am pretty sure I cannot be recorded without being asked for consent upfront. Is this allowed? Do I have any legal recourse if not offered the position? I can only assume it was due to something that was recorded, as this was my third interview in one week.

I wouldn’t assume that if you don’t get the job it’s because of the recording. People do third interviews all the time without being hired; a third interview isn’t a job offer.

That said, an employer who records an interview without bothering to tell you and then asks for your consent only once you notice the camera is a sketchy employer. And yes, in this case they appear to be breaking the law, since Florida requires that all parties being recorded consent to the taping. That wouldn’t give you grounds to sue for not getting the job, but you might have legal recourse in regard to the recording itself (although I’d question whether it’s worth putting time and energy into pursuing).

Since it’s easy to feel caught off-guard by employer weirdness during an interview and not know what to say when it happens, here’s some language to use in the future if an interviewer does something that seems shady or inappropriate: “Oh, that’s unusual. Can you tell me more about why you do that / are asking that?”

3. Should I turn down a job out of gratitude to a relative?

I’ve been looking to move to a particular city for a few years now. The reason I haven’t moved was because my industry is really small in said city, and I never felt comfortable moving without a new job lined up. The risk would just be too high. In December, I was lucky enough that an extended family member, who knew my struggle to find a job in that city, offered me a position to work with him. I’d be his one and only employee. This job would also not be in my current industry. Thanking my luck that I’d finally be able to at least move with a job, I verbally agreed to the position, but we agreed that I would only start full-time in May (due to benefit and incentive-pay constraints from my current job). Until then, I would work part-time (on top of my current job) so that I could give this job a trial run and see if a) I like working with him and b) I liked the work itself. It was also known that this job would always be a transitional job that would help him reduce his workload and would help me move faster to my desired city.

Fast forward to the past two weeks. I randomly got a call from my dream company (in my desired city). They had seen my resume that I had sent over six months ago and wanted me to come in for an interview. I couldn’t pass on this opportunity and decided to give the interview a go. I just received word from my references that they had been called and they were told, by phone, that I’m “being strongly considered for the job.” This is my dream job and I’m super ecstatic that I got to this point.

That said, I feel really guilty too. I feel like I’ve already committed to this family member and that I should continue working with him no matter what. He has put in time and money into me and turned down work waiting for me to join him. I know that my dream job is where I should be, but if I do get the offer, should I turn it down since I’ve made him wait so long and technically made him lose money? I should add that, for both jobs, no contracts have been signed. Also, salary and benefits are equivalent for both jobs and are not defining factors.

Talk to your relative and explain the situation. I think you’re thinking it’ll cause him more hardship than it actually will. You’re his one and only employee, which says that he was probably happy (or at least reasonably content) functioning on his own and that he offered you the job to help you out more than because of crucial need on his end. Plus, you both agreed it would be transitional, not permanent, and you both agreed you’d be working with him part-time until May to figure out if you liked the situation, which means there was always a possibility that you wouldn’t.

I doubt that your relative would want you turning down a “dream job” (problematic as that term can be) out of a sense of obligation. And if he does, then he’s not being fair to you, particularly given all the caveats to your arrangement above. What you do owe him, though, is transparency about what’s going on, a clear expression of appreciation for how he’s helped you, and a sincere inquiry about what the impact of this will be for him so that you can see if there are ways for you to help mitigate that.

4. My boss applied for my job

I’m the executive director of a nonprofit. Before I was hired, my boss, the volunteer board chairman, applied for my job and didn’t get it. Now she’s making my life miserable, nitpicking simple decisions and questioning my every move. She was encouraged to apply by the former executive in my position, so she enthusiastically began to imagine herself in this role. However, she is not at all qualified, which was quickly recognized by the search committee. I don’t know anyone who would see this situation as healthy. I’ve been here four months, love my job and am accomplishing a lot, but this stress can’t continue. Any ideas about how to handle this situation?

Can you talk to other board members and let them know what’s going on? Ideally in this situation you’d talk to the board chair, but since the chair is the one who’s the problem, it sounds like you’ll need to enlist other board members to intervene.

Alternately, you could try addressing it head-on with the chair, but whether or not that’s the right path will depend heavily on her personality and the dynamic between the two of you.

5. How to let a regular sub know she doesn’t need to remind me of who she is

I work in an industry where we employ subs to cover shifts when regular employees aren’t available. I’ve been in my position about seven months now, and one of my subs (we’ll call her Tabitha) always begins her phone conversations with me by saying, “This is Tabitha Smith, I’m one of your subs…”. I know who she is! How do I kindly let her know that, without coming off as annoyed?

“Tabitha, of course I know who you are!”

If a couple of times of that doesn’t solve it, resign yourself to this being how she’s going to start phone conversations.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I badmouthed my employer to classmates and now feel awful

I work at a organization at a university. My feelings about my employer have been mixed – though I like my coworkers, I go from extremes of disliking the job and being critical of the organization’s mission to feeling grateful for the job and accepting.

As part of my appointment, I get to take a class at the university. Recently, I shared my negative feelings about the organization I work at with some of my classmates. I was so passionate and fired up that I said some bad things about the organization I work for. I also revealed some information that is not security sensitive, but shouldn’t be shared with outsiders. I told them about a few projects that we’re trying to work on that are not working out, and about how overworked and underpaid everyone is. I was a bit too honest about how I disagree with some of the organization’s activities and approaches. I was generally very undiplomatic and rude.

I immediately realized how rude, unprofessional, backhanded, and uncalled for my behavior was, especially given that I don’t have a very close relationship with my classmates. The people at the organization I work at have also been nothing but good to me. I am at times resentful because I am underpaid and overworked, but this is the nature of the position. I am overcome with intense feelings of guilt, anxiety, and regret, and I’m unsure of how to proceed. Should I reach out to my classmates and apologize for my behavior? Should I speak to my coworkers?

Well, it wasn’t great, but you probably don’t need to beat yourself up over it this much. I’d go back to the classmates you spoke to and say, “I’ve been feeling mortified about what I said the other day. You caught me on a bad day, and I shouldn’t have said those things. The people I work with have been great to me, and I feel awful about what I said. Please block it from your memory!”

Beyond that, just take it as a lesson to watch what you say to people you’re not close with in the future. And I wouldn’t bring this up with your coworkers; you’d almost certainly be creating an issue when otherwise one won’t exist.

2. Can I offer to volunteer if a job offer doesn’t work out?

I recently applied for a position that would be a step back/sideways in my career, but which still appeals to me for a variety of reasons. One of those reasons—working part-time—is something that I can only swing financially if my spouse’s employment situation changes. Since you can never know what’s going to happen/how long a hiring process might drag out, I applied anyway and have now been invited for an interview. This is proceeding faster than my spouse’s opportunities, so although I’m going to go ahead and interview, I think it’s likely I will have to turn down the position if it’s offered.

If they do indeed offer me the job and I do find that I can’t take it, or if they don’t offer me the job but the interviewer and I had good rapport, is there any graceful/non-weird way to offer my services as a volunteer instead? I happen to have a software certification that I think they will have trouble finding in other candidates, and I wouldn’t mind helping with that aspect in an unpaid volunteer capacity because I’d like to be involved with the organization and I enjoy that kind of work. I would even be interested in training their new employee for free if they can’t find someone else with the technical knowledge they want. It’s a non-profit, so volunteering itself is not a strange thing. However, I don’t want to come across as non-genuine in my initial interest in the job (I would love to take it, I just might not be able to), and I definitely don’t want to make the person they do hire feel weird or threatened. So should I offer to volunteer instead of work for them, or would it just come across as odd?

It would be fine to offer that! They may or may not take you up on it, but there’s nothing wrong with offering it. If they do turn you down, it might be because they don’t have the resources or systems in place to manage volunteers well (pretty common — it takes more time and energy than people tend to think it will) or because they’re wary of relying on volunteer help for this particular thing (volunteers are notorious for committing and then not following through, and there are some types of projects where it’s not worth the risk). But it’s still totally reasonable to suggest it, and they might say yes.

And it definitely won’t come across as if you weren’t genuine about your original interest in the job; very few, if any, people apply for and then turn down paid jobs as a strategy for sneaking into a volunteer position instead.

3. My references were contacted before I was even interviewed

I was offered an in-person interview three weeks from now. I normally notify my references right before interviewing to give them the heads up. However, the day after I agreed to do the in-person interview, one of my references contacted me to tell me she had already been contacted by my potential employer for a reference check. Are there reasons that employers check references before interviews? Is this typical practice? I was under the impression they usually do this after the interview.

It’s uncommon but not unheard of. But it’s a really weird and inefficient practice; since most people who get interviewed don’t end up becoming finalists, it wastes a huge amount of time to contact references before even talking with the candidate and establishing some real interest in moving the person forward in the process.

The exception to this if if the hiring manager knows your reference personally. In that case, it’s pretty normal to reach out informally before an interview. (In that case, it’s generally a time saver, because getting the opinion of someone whose judgment you know and trust and who you’re especially confident will be candid with you can help you make the right decision about whether or not to interview the candidate in the first place.)

4. I gave notice and my employer told me to leave immediately — do they still need to pay me for the notice period?

If I gave two weeks notice and was released on the spot but am not able to start my new job for two weeks, does my former job have to pay me for the two weeks?

They do not. Some employers have legitimate or semi-legitimate reasons for wanting people to leave as soon as they give notice, but it’s good form to pay you for those remaining weeks regardless. But good form doesn’t mean legally required, and they can stop your pay on the last day you actually work, even if that day is not the one you chose.

In most states, you could probably collect unemployment for those two weeks since you were unemployed during them through no fault of your own.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss is livid that I don’t have experience I never claimed to have

I recently applied for a job that asked for experience in X, Y and Z. I have tons of experience in X and Y, but not much in Z. However, the job sounded interesting and the company would be great to work for, so I applied anyway. My cover letter and resume highlighted my experience and X and Y, and I really didn’t address Z at all. To my surprise and delight, I was brought in for an interview. The interviewer asked a lot about X and Y and nothing about Z. I must have done well in the interview because I was offered the job. Great, right? Well, no.

Turns out my new boss is livid I don’t have experience in Z. Livid to the point that I think I’m going to be fired. But, in my opinion it’s still workable: I’ve offered to go training and I’ve suggested adjusting workloads with colleagues so that they could do more of Z and I could do more of X and Y until I get up to speed. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker, but he’s the boss, I guess.

He’s pretty upset that I don’t have all the skills he’s looking for – and I get that if he had a vision for how his team would function, then this is not ideal – but he’s even suggesting that I shouldn’t have applied for a role that I wasn’t fully qualified for.

Now, I get that if I can’t do the job (even though I think there are ways around it), then he’ll have to fire me. But, did I actually do anything wrong in applying? I didn’t misrepresent myself, and HR never asked about this skill – so what do you think? Should I have passed from the beginning on throwing my hat into the competition?

What?! No, absolutely not. Your boss is the one who messed up here, by mismanaging his hiring process. If not having experience in Z was a deal-breaker, then he damn well needed to be sure to probe into Z during the interview process.

People apply for jobs all the time without having 100% of the qualifications in the ad. That’s completely and totally normal. You did nothing wrong. I suppose I could argue that it was in your best interest to ask about Z during the interview, to make sure that you felt it was a job you could thrive in … but that pales in comparison to your boss’s responsibility to find out if you had the skills and experience he needed before offering you the job.

2. My coworkers are always trying to feed me and I have an eating disorder

I recently started a new position (this is the end of my third week), and am incredibly uncomfortable with the office culture. It is a huge facility with 350 employees and I am the receptionist, so everyone knows me but I don’t know them. I have struggled with an eating disorder my whole life, and am currently in a bad place.

My performance is excellent, and I am complimented very often by owners and administration. However, my weight has noticeably plummeted in these three weeks alone (20-25 pounds). Everyone is always reminding me there is lunch (they provide lunch daily), bringing me treats, and then following up on if I enjoyed the food they brought me. I am not comfortable discussing food or eating in front of others.

I do not know how to handle this. I do not want to be rude and often lie about eating, but even the act of stating I enjoyed eating something (even if it’s a lie) is very embarrassing and uncomfortable for me. I am getting very anxious daily when this happens. I cannot directly tell these people my situation, because 1. I don’t want to and 2. There are SO MANY of them! How can I even begin to handle this without causing offense OR sharing my personal information?

Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. First and foremost, I do not have expertise in eating disorders, and I think you really, really need a professional helping here. I’m hoping you have a therapist since the eating disorder is ongoing, and this would be excellent thing to discuss with her, because ultimately we live in a world where people are pushy about food and you’ll want to have strategies for handling that. If you don’t currently have a therapist, please take this as the nudge to get one! That kind of weight loss in three weeks is a big deal.

From a workplace relationships angle, you could try shutting some of this down with “Thank you, but I try not to talk about food at work” or “it’s kind of you to check, but I’d rather not talk about food.” Or you could say, “I have a medical condition that impacts what I can eat, so I’d actually be grateful if you didn’t bring me food or check in on my eating — thanks for understanding.”

But again, a therapist who specializes in eating disorders is going to be key in getting you through this. Call, call, call today.

3. Employee always barges straight into my office

I recently hired a new employee, who is performing well but can be a bit pushy. Every time she has a question for me, she walks at a brisk pace through the hallway, straight into my office and to the corner of my desk (where my screen can clearly be seen), without pausing.

I feel like this is a bit of an invasion of my personal space as well as privacy, especially since my desk is situated so the side of it faces the door and someone approaching can quickly see my monitor. Moreover, I tend to get very focused so it is just a bit jarring.

Everyone else here is in the habit of pausing each other’s doorway and speaking from there before entering, or knocking on the open door before entering.

I am leaving this employer next month, so I know I could just ignore this for a bit and it will go away, but I want to hone my managerial skills as well as coach my direct report properly and not leave a problem for the next person. Is the best thing to do to just politely request that she pause at the door before entering my office due to privacy concerns on my screen, on the spot, next time it happens? Or would it really be better to just forget about it since I’m leaving so soon? Or, am I just being too sensitive?

Nope, you’re not being too sensitive at all. It’s a completely reasonable expectation to share with her. (You’re only being too sensitive if you’re frustrated that she’s doing it when you haven’t yet asked her not to.)

I’d say this: “Even when I have my door open, would you mind knocking before coming all the way in? I’m sometimes working on sensitive documents or otherwise focusing on something where it would be better not to break my focus at that exact moment. Thank you.”

4. How do I handle being on a city council on my resume?

I’m on a small nonpartisan city council and I’m wondering how I should handle it on my resume. It’s a very part-time job. I currently have it listed under a Community Involvement section and I emphasize the position in my cover letter if I feel like it’s relevant to the job I’m applying for.

While some managers seem impressed by it, I’m not sure if it might hurt me with other companies. I wouldn’t want to leave it off because a simple Google search would turn it up and I wouldn’t want to get hired at a company where having this position would cause problems.

I’d include it, in exactly what you’ve been doing. It’ll be a plus for most employers, but it might present worries about conflict of interests for others. But as you say, if it’s going to cause problems, you want to know that before you’re hired rather than afterwards.

Read an update to this letter here.

5. Do I negotiate salary with the hiring manager or HR?

I’ve just been offered an permanent position at a company I’ve been doing some contracting work for. I know and have worked with the hiring manager for the permanent position, though she wasn’t my main point of contact as a contractor. The hiring manager told me in person that I would be getting an offer, but didn’t name any details (including salary). HR called to extend the offer officially, and I’m supposed to give them my response (I asked for a day to think everything over). I’d like to negotiate the pay–but should I do that with HR or the hiring manager?

It depends on the company. If I were you, I’d call the hiring manager with one or two other questions about the position/offer and then include salary in there at the same time. If you don’t actually have any questions for the hiring manager aside from this, I’d still start with her — she’ll tell you if you need to talk to HR instead.