Ask a Manager

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. My dad has been applying to jobs pretending to be me

Your advice and all the comments really did help to open my eyes about my predicament.

I really wish I could give a better update, but I’m still living with my parents unfortunately. My dad has thankfully stopped sending out those applications, I cited you as a source of professional advice, and that really helped! Also, all the comments did really open my eyes to how controlling, manipulative, abusive and downright vile both my parents could be… let’s just say a lot has happened this past year. My mental health hasn’t been the best either and I unfortunately haven’t had much luck at gaining steady employment, although I do have some work placement and internship experience under my belt now, so there’s that! I’ve also completed some courses to help me gain further skills for the industries I’m interested in, so I feel a little more confident in myself and the direction I want my career to go in. Even if it’s not much, I still want to feel hopeful about the future.

A lot of people advised me in the comments to move out, and as much as I want to, it doesn’t seem viable at the moment. I have however made it my long term goal, although it will definitely take time, and I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of drama involved too….

Overall, things are not great, but I know it takes time for the tides to turn, and I am hopeful for the future. I’m also very thankful for this community, and I really appreciate all the support and advice everyone gave, I still come back to read the comments sometimes! I’ve read every single one, and they all mean a lot :)

2. Employee is openly job searching from her work computer (#2 at the link)

I sent you an email in 2015 about supervising someone at the front desk reception area who was job searching where everyone could see. For what it’s worth, multiple people came to me with this info, which is why I was not sure I could let it go. A lot of people were job searching trying to get away from that place but nobody was doing it quite so unsubtly.

The issue resolved pretty amicably (had an uncomfy talk with the person and she moved on not long after) but it was part of a continuous problem keeping that role staffed. Writing in helped me realize part of that was how absolutely toxic the boss I had there was. Ultimately I realized part of the reason I wrote in was because I didn’t feel I could trust him to react in a rational way to even small things. He ended up getting worse and worse, to the point he would do things like attempt to physically fight people in our department and offered his entire team money to consider harming his ex wife (yes, really). I tried to write in a couple of times again about these issues but eventually realized just by attempting to write them that there was no solution for this — the boss and the company supporting him was just that bad.

He’s still at the company (and they know his whole deal) but I am long, long gone from that job. I used your website as part of my inspiration to make the jump to grad school, then job hunting. I now work in an awesome role in the field I always wanted to be in, where I’ve never seen one of my coworkers publicly job searching and also nobody has threatened to get in a fist fight in front of me over an operations disagreement. My boss is an intelligent, thoughtful, interesting person who supports my career growth and about whose marriage I know almost nothing.

I write this update not because it is the most interesting one in the world but because I hope it helps your readers see what it took me WAY too long to see — the longer you stay in a toxic workplace, the easier it is to normalize it and try to focus on small problems instead of the giant looming one of how much you’re trapping yourself with a paycheck from a crappy company. I was there for seven and a half years and I wish I had left so much sooner! I felt so helpless to leave and convinced I would never find anything else but it was worth the leap. I am so much happier now and as scary as it was jumping was the best thing I could do. I hope anyone afraid to do the same does it sooner than I did!

3. My employee came back to work with a hair salon cape and dye cap on

We met to discuss my concerns about having a professional appearance when outside visitors are in the building. Having a hair dye set while working was a regular occurrence before I started and the employee didn’t see a problem with it. Because this was a long-standing practice (I checked with the previous manager), it made sense to find a compromise that would work for us. The employee made sure to check if we had meetings scheduled before getting hair done, and kept the office door closed when the dye was setting. Overall, it worked out.

4. Should I let my employee buy my crocheted toys? (#3 at the link)

One of my favorite suggestions from the commenters was to offer a suggestion for a different crafter or two who sells something similar, if my direct report ever mentioned my crochet work again. That way, I’m giving her a place to buy one if she wants to, but it has nothing to do with me and there’s no pressure for her to actually buy anything. But in the end, the crocheted toys never came up again, so it was overall pretty easy to navigate! Also, a lot of the comments assumed I was managing a team, when in reality, the person who mentioned my crochet work was my only direct report at the time. (I later was interim manager for two others who were normally at the same level as me, but I digress). We’ve since both moved on to work at other organizations, and we’ve kept in touch. I now consider this person to be a “work friend” (even if we don’t work together). We’re around the same age and both got our PhDs in similar areas before leaving academia, so it’s nice getting to have a more casual relationship with her. I also didn’t love being a people-manager overall, and I find it much easier to just be her friend.

One thing I want to note: One suggestion in the comments that got some support was for me to make crochet ornaments for my team. As Alison has mentioned many times in the past, this assumes that Christmas is the default, and could make some direct reports really uncomfortable if they don’t celebrate. I’m also Jewish, and would feel really weird gifting ornaments to my team for a whole host of reasons, even if I knew with 100% certainty that everyone else I worked with celebrated Christmas. I don’t mention this to shame anyone, but moreso just as a reminder to not assume Christmas is a holiday for everyone, especially as we enter that time of year :)

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My coworker interrupts to answer questions directed to me

I did end up talking to “Christy” one on one, but she didn’t really get what I was trying to say so the next time she did it, I told her right then and there, “Christy, while I appreciate you trying to be so helpful, you need to give me a chance to answer questions that are directed to me. You just gave Tyler incorrect information and told him to seek out a manager for his issue, but I went to his desk instead and we solved it right away.”

She mentioned again that if I wanted to “chime in,” I’m welcome to do that. I told her she may not mean to, but if she cuts me off in my own conversations, then she is dismissing me and acting as if I don’t exist in the room.

Also, I gave her a taste of her own medicine when one of her own attorneys came to her to ask a question and I stepped in and answered it, then gave her a look (see??) when she seemed annoyed. She was upset with me for a few days, but got over it. I mean, what made her upset if she is the one who thinks this behavior is appropriate?

Interestingly enough, she just put in her notice and I have to confess that I am not going to be sorry to see her go. She probably has the highest self esteem of anyone I have ever met and thinks very highly of herself, which can be a good thing and maybe get her places, but make some enemies along the way when it’s tied with rude behaviors.

2. My husband’s friend listed me as a reference without my okay (#4 at the link)

I know it’s been a ridiculous number of years since I wrote in, but I saw your recent call for updates (even if they aren’t big) and figured I’d send in mine:

On the original post, I posted a somewhat lengthy update in the comments that same day. It turns out there had been some major miscommunications between me and my husband that made everything seem worse than it was. Gwen had merely used me as a referral, not a reference, and HR never contacted me about her application. She did not get hired at my place of work, but she did get a job! Several years of steady work down the line, she is much more stable and happy (as I suspected she would be). It’s amazing what having money and a place to live will do for your mental health.

As for me, most of my worries at the time came down to the fact that I was on my second career and still very new to corporate life/norms. My first career was in a particularly toxic non-profit org, and when I left the bridge was well and truly burnt. Adjusting to corporate life was a multi-year process (AAM was instrumental in that process, thank you so much), one that I was particularly invested in succeeding at, as I had no ability to fall back on my contacts from my first career.

I am happy to say I am MUCH LESS on edge now than I was then. I’m no longer worried I’m going to violate some norm I wasn’t aware of and be fired. I’m also not desperately clinging to my position like a lifeline. Shortly after the letter was published, I was offered a full-time role in one of the departments I had trained as backup for. I’ve since been promoted twice within that department and learned some pretty cool skills that are highly transferable. If I ever lose this job, I’ll be fine. I’ve settled comfortably into my (not so) new industry as well as my company.

Happy endings all around! Thanks to the AAM community for being compassionate about a relatively trivial matter that meant a great deal to me at the time.

3. Update that isn’t an official “update”

I can’t thank you enough for answering another letter writer’s question about being asked to travel to Texas during early pregnancy. I happen to be in the exact same situation as that letter writer and with all day morning sickness, there is NO way I can travel anywhere, let alone a state where I can’t guarantee the healthcare I would need if anything went wrong with my baby, and I was really struggling with whether or not to reveal my pregnancy to my company earlier than I really wanted to. I’ve been negotiating a big, deserved raise that should be announced in the next month or so and did not want to risk even one cent by telling my company about my baby before it was finalized! I ended up using your suggested language of “having a medical issue and not able to travel” and was able to get out of my travel requirement with literally no pushback. Thank you SO much for making it feel a lot easier than I thought it would be!! I hope it was just as easy for the original letter writer.

4. Can I choose an alternate work schedule when my employees can’t use it in the same way? (#5 at the link)

I started my alternate work schedule a month ago! As you predicted, people easily understood that differing levels of staff have different benefits, and there was no problem. One of my junior staff – who I was worried might feel unfairly slighted – even approached me to say that they appreciated that I was taking an alternate work schedule and normalizing that it was okay for others on the team to do so as well.

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer asking how to cope without an assigned work space? Here’s the update.

I wrote to you asking about how to cope with a hoteling office model, and your readers all had great advice! Some of them were outraged at my management on my behalf, which was also very nice. (A lot of them also sussed out that I live in a northerly climate, hence my shoe-related difficulties, and advised me accordingly.)

Here’s what I ended up doing:

1. Caring far less about how I look in the office. They can make me show up, but they cannot make me wear dress pants. I wear jeans now, as do most of my colleagues.

2. I wear a big scarf on the way in (it’s chilly now) and when I’m at my desk it becomes my blanket.

3. Pushed back about the shoes. We now have a shoe tray where we can leave office shoes overnight! I’m still wearing sneakers for now, but boot season’s a-coming.

4. Got a sturdy travel backpack (Monos brand), with lots of lovely compartments. I do wish it had a cup holder, that’s the only downside, but I generally sip my tea (out of my travel mug, another good suggestion!) on the way to the office anyway. Later in the day, that mug becomes my water cup.

5. Got the Libby app! I read books on my phone now, and I get to choose them from the local library! I’ve never read so much since I was in high school, and it saves me valuable backpack real estate. I promise they’re not sponsoring me, I just really love this app! Support your local library!

6. I’m still masking in common areas, but as there’s usually hardly anyone else in the office (collaboration!), I don’t feel the need to mask at my desk. Thus, the dehydration problem is solved for the moment.

I’m still not very happy about having to be in the office, since the only thing it does for my work is slow it down. But I am making the best of it, and the advice from readers helped me tackle the practical aspects of my new life as a pack mule.

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer asking what to do if an employee who gave notice won’t leave (#4 at the link)?

It turned out one of the reasons Jane was offering to stay and help with the transition was because she had a two-week vacation planned and wanted to stay employed long enough to be paid for it. But the vacation was in the new fiscal year and when HR got wind of her plan, they had a chat about how leave time accrual works and she suddenly had a set end date.

Then she emailed us a list of people she’d like to have invited to her going-away party (not really a thing we do here), including volunteers and folks well outside our department, and suggestions for a venue. We downgraded it to a happy hour.

Jane’s last day came and went. I was offered the upgraded position a month later and accepted, agreeing to continue doing my old job until my position was filled. I heard through the grapevine that Jane was very disappointed to hear this news, because she still thought when we had a not-me new person on board we’d hire her temporarily to come back and train that person. That, of course, did not happen. I had also been covering a third position, which was ultimately filled in June, but that person had to be asked to leave in September. So then I was doing my new job, my old job, and the third job again. They decided not to fill my old position anytime soon because they felt the skill set required was too specialized.

Oh, and then another person in the office quit. So we were down to four employees, two of whom just started in September and required a lot of training. To say it’s been an overwhelming fall would be an understatement.

I had mentioned in the comments on the original post that I received tuition assistance for graduate school that came with a one-year clawback clause, so leaving right now isn’t an option. The stress became so debilitating that I spoke with my doctor about going on FMLA, but had not yet made a decision. I was working 70 hours a week trying to stay on top of everything and doing none of it well.

And then the week before Thanksgiving, an immediate family member was given a sudden and shocking terminal cancer diagnosis (glioblastoma), and suddenly it became very easy to stop caring about all the stuff at work. I’ve been here long enough that I have plenty of leave time to spend with my loved one when needed, plenty of kindness and support from my coworkers, and plenty of latitude to let some things slide here. I’ll be using all three in the weeks and months ahead. Who knows where I’ll be a year from now?

It’s all certainly been a learning experience. I’m hoping for some brighter days in 2024.

We did just fill that third position, though; she will start next week. I will also say that Jane, who has not yet found a new full-time job, likes to text me and others in the office to check up on our work and make helpful suggestions for improvement. I try to respond kindly when I can.

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My boss and coworkers keep giving me plants (#2 at the link)

My question was low stakes, and my update is as well. To answer your question on why everyone was giving me plants, my boss and most of my team were all middle-aged women who just really love plants. My boss had a garden of plants in her office, and I think assumed that since they brought her joy that they’d bring everyone joy. Her love of plants rubbed off on the team. Plus, in many situations they’re easy to give as gifts, especially in a situation like mine: I have several severe food allergies and intolerances, so when people would normally get a cake or something, I got plants.

My plant killing days are behind me now. Due to reasons entirely separate from the plants, I left the old job in mid-2022. Before I left (and with a lot of help), I kept a succulent alive long enough that it had many plant babies. I repotted those and gave one to each team member on my last day, which they all loved. The original plant died a week after I left, in a surprise to no one.

At my new job, my coworkers asked if I wanted a plant early on for my desk. I told them “only if they want to watch the plant die over the course of a few weeks” and they laughed and never asked again. I admire my coworkers plants from a distance, and I decorate my desk with pictures of my dog.

2. As a manager, should I not wear a “childless” shirt in my off-hours?

I did not buy the sweatshirt.

I did spend some time thinking about your comment at the end — about how I placed myself in the preferred category due to being childless. I am nonbinary/transmasculine myself (“don’t ask, don’t tell” with regards to work, so I’m assumed to be a woman there). I am young enough that someone can still assume children are in my future, so some hypothetical sexist boss could both give me bonus points for the “will have kids eventually” assumption and at the same time not “mommy track” me. I also have never really personally experienced weirdness around not having children — most of the people in my circle are childfree, so there’s no one breathing down my neck about kids. But I have heard the horror stories about how weird people can get towards childless women! I completely agree that it can get women can’t win when it can go weird either way.

Thanks for taking up the question and for all the commenters who weighed in!

3. How should I respond when employees complain about financial stress?

I got so much wonderful feedback, both from you and your readers. It was especially interesting to engage in a conversation surrounding what compensation looks like at nonprofits versus private companies, and how that dovetails with privilege and diversity in this sector.

I heeded the advice I received to continue serving as an empathetic sounding board to my employees who were voicing concerns about their financial struggles, while also working on not taking those conversations so personally. I am happy to say I continue to increase pay when I can as well as to expand non-monetary benefits. In general I have had less of these conversations which affirms to me that some of my employees may have simply been facing challenges in their personal lives and saw me as a safe place to share those frustrations.

4. My new coworker’s annoying habits are driving me mad

My colleague was late coming into work a couple of times and said he was going to a physiotherapist to work out some muscle and joint issues. His fidgeting really was due to pain and discomfort. Treatment seems to be helping.

If he texts while I am talking, I stop talking and ask him if he needs a minute. This seems to have addressed the issue. I guess he was unaware he was doing it? Or unaware that it was rude? I’ve also noticed that he used to pick up his phone during meetings, and he no longer does that. I’m not sure if he noticed that no one else did that, or if someone else mentioned it to him. I think he’s still adjusting to professional norms.

I read through the comments. Many thought I just needed to deal with it, and, yeah that’s part of the job of working with people. Many of the commenters suggested various neurodiversity possibilities. That had occurred to me before (we do work in a technical field), but I did wonder what difference that would make to how I would respond. The only thing I could think of is that maybe I would be more direct; instead of expecting him to be able to recognize non verbal cues, I could tell him directly. So I tried that. Whenever it wasn’t a good time for me, I told him. Feeling like I have better control over my time and space has helped my attitude a lot.

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. I referred a friend to a freelancer I work with and it went badly

Thanks so much for publishing my question and I appreciate the folks who weighed in in the comments. I have a short update for you. I was really anxious about losing a good contractor, but after reading your answer and the comments, I decided not to mention anything to Jane unless she said something first. It never came up. We now have her contracted to do some work for us in Q1 and she never brought anything up about Lee when I spoke with her.

As for Lee, when they next contacted me (which was to get my opinion on some funding options to keep their business afloat that were, frankly, very shady), I asked what happened with Jane, and they were really dodgy and said they got their money back but refused to elaborate on anything. A couple commenters pointed out that their card probably looked like it had been double charged when really one was a pending charge that would fall off, and I’m inclined to think that’s what happened (though we will never know for sure). At any rate, I learned something about Lee and will not be referring them to any of my professional contacts again. For what it’s worth, I think more than anything they are very desperate to keep their business afloat and they’re making poor choices because of it. I politely told them that I wouldn’t recommend they move forward with any of the plans they came to me with, and also that my work schedule has gotten very full so I won’t be able to consult on their business with them anymore. I haven’t heard from them since.

2. I’m about to go on vacation — and just used up all my PTO on the flu (#2 at the link)

I already have an update for you and your lovely readers – who were super, incredibly helpful and kind.

It turns out my worries were completely unfounded. My boss is a reasonable and lovely person and after a discussion about something else, said “Hey your vacation is going to be unpaid” and I said “You read my mind, will you please approve it as unpaid time off” and they said that they will and told me to take care of myself (because I keep getting sick and having to use up PTO – between myself and partner working with children and having a child who is school-age). I appreciated the advice from readers about just talking to my boss about it instead of trying to ignore the possible issue, because that did remind me that my boss is easy to talk to and we actually have a great working relationship. I am someone who actually really loves my job (sick, isn’t it?) and works very hard, so the time away will be such a treat (paid or not).

3. I accidentally implied to my new manager I might only be staying a year (#4 at the link)

I did take your advice to clarify with my manager, and it went very well (I didn’t even get the impression she’d thought anything of it, but it made me feel better to clarify). I’m almost six months into my new job now and I really like it, and my manager is excellent. Thank you again for your advice during that anxious first week. I read your blog every day and have recommended it to undergrad students I’ve mentored as a wonderful resource on the “hidden curriculum” of professional life!