is my trainer sabotaging my work?

by Alison Green on December 16, 2015

A reader writes:

I recently switched departments in my mid-size nonprofit, and I feel a little insane. The woman who is training me for this new role has the same title I do and is my peer. She is very good at her job overall (it is a customer support position), but struggles with some basic administrative competencies such as computer literacy. She has told me last week that she feels intimidated by me and that she sees me in our supervisor’s role some day (I told her I was flattered and assured her that I respect her work and enjoy working together).

My concern is that I suspect that she changes details that I enter in our databases and spreadsheets. I am a gifted administrator, and the type of mistakes that she finds in shared documents and databases are not mistakes I would make (such as entering incorrect dates or forgetting to save changes). I have no idea why she (or anyone) would change or delete information, but I also do not think I am making mistakes that can be easily prevented by attention to detail.

When my coworker/trainer does find mistakes, she talks to me about them at length, explaining how important it is for me to follow her instructions exactly. Sometimes her instructions are intuitive (follow these steps in this order), and sometimes they are illogical (write down your notes by hand then transfer them to our department shared spreadsheet, or keep paper copies of documents that are available electronically). Sometimes her directions create more work, but I do what she asks for the sake of harmony. The mistakes she finds make me look incompetent.

I feel insane when she talks to me about mistakes. If this happened once a week, I might believe that I had simply made a mistake, but they happen every day. Frankly, this job is extremely easy compared to other admin roles I have had in the past, so the volume of mistakes I am confronted with by this one coworker is unbelievable.

The only motivation I can imagine for changing information I enter (and it is a stretch), is that she is concerned about her status on the team now that there are two people with her job title. I am not really sure if there is a way I can prove that I am not making the mistakes she finds, but I am concerned that my new supervisor does not trust my competency when my coworker presents evidence of my incompetence every day. I also have no idea how to talk about my suspicions without sounding nuts.

For the record, this coworker is really nice to me. We got along really well before I joined the department, and our conversations suggest that we still do get along well. Is it possible I am actually making a hundred little mistakes? Is it possible she is creating these mistakes? I would love to hear your take.

Well, I see three possibilities: you are indeed making more mistakes than you think, or she’s sabotaging you (if so, probably for the reasons you suspect), or there’s some technical thing going on, like you’re not saving things correctly or something else.

I do think it’s possible that you’re making more mistakes than you think you are. Especially in a new job and with a new system, it’s possible that things that would be normal muscle memory in your old job (like saving changes) aren’t yet second nature to you here. And who knows, maybe fields are in a different order than you’re used to and you’re entering information incorrectly at times. It’s possible.

So first, I’d try to be really open-minded about the possibility that that could be happening. Take the feedback seriously, scrutinize what you’re going that could be causing it, and take whatever steps you’d take if you had no reason to doubt the corrections.

But … I wonder if there’s a way to build in a check on both of you. For example, is there a way for you to make a copy of your work — such as by exporting a file of all the data entry and record changes you made that day? Or even a sampling of them? Can you save your own copies of documents locally? That way, when your coworker brings you mistakes that you made, you can check your own copy of your work and see if it matches up.

If it matches, well, problem solved — you make more mistakes than you think you do! You certainly wouldn’t be the only one; it’s not an uncommon thing.

But if it doesn’t match, then you know something’s going on. In that case, you could say this to your coworker: “I’m worried that something’s going on that’s causing my work to be saved incorrectly or get changed after I’m finishing with it. I made a local copy of this spreadsheet when I was done with it so that I could consult it for X purpose, and the error you found isn’t in my copy. Do you think I should talk to I.T. about this?” (And speaking of I.T., they may be able to see who last changed a record, which could be quite useful here.)

Or, depending on your sense of your coworker and your manager, it might make more sense at that point to go straight to your manager about what’s going on. If you did that, you could say: “I have an awkward situation that I’m hoping to get your advice on. Jane has been checking over my work and bringing a number of mistakes to me that seemed out of sync with what I remembered doing. I saved a few copies of my work locally so that I could compare them to her versions, and I’ve found that the mistakes she’s showing me aren’t in the versions I made. I can show you examples if you’d like and I imagine that I.T. could confirm what updates were made by me versus someone else, but I’m concerned that Jane may be adding these mistakes as some kind of training strategy or … well, I don’t know why else! But it concerns me that it may be reflecting on how you see my work, so I’d like to get to the bottom of it.”

Note that that’s not “Jane is sabotaging me!” It’s “this weird thing is happening and I want to make you aware of it and get your advice.” But even with that framing, ugh, it still has the potential for a lot of drama.

So if you think that just talking to Jane might be enough to solve it, I’d start there. (Of course, then you’d still have to worry about whether she’d find some other way to undermine you, so you’d want to keep your eyes wide open for that.)

Read updates to this letter here and here.

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I keep breaking office chairs, manager asked if I have a problem working for a woman, and more

by Alison Green on December 16, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I keep breaking my office chairs

I know this is a counterpoint to a past letter, so I thought the responses might be interesting. A year or so ago, upper management bought new chairs for our entire office. Overall they’re not terrible, but for me, they’re just not working. I’m significantly heavier than average, and beyond that I have a disability that means sometimes I wind up more or less falling into my chair, and I have to push myself up from it in a way that puts more stress on the chair. (Primarily balance issues, with some additional joint trouble.) Since getting my new chair, I’ve had both armrests replaced, and probably gone through about seven or eight caster replacements. I’m waiting on two more right now, and I’m getting really tired of it.

How do I broach the conversation with my boss about getting a sturdier chair? Replacing the casters and the hardware holding the armrests on is pretty negligible, but it’s embarrassing and interrupts my day to have the wheels just falling apart or the arms dropping off, and I’m always worried that an arm is going to fall off right when I’m lowering myself into the chair or pushing myself up. Obviously weight is a very delicate thing to discuss, and this verges into accessibility talk which usually winds up being a three-ring HR circus here. Are they going to ask for a doctor’s note to basically go “Yes, LW is very fat and falls over a lot, please get her a fat person chair”?

(If this gets posted, I would like to respectfully request that the commenters not get into the issue of why/how I should lose weight instead of asking for a chair that meets my needs. Weight loss is a fraught issue already, and physical disabilities make it a lot harder. I am doing the best I can, but it is a very slow process that easily develops severe setbacks.)

I think the best approach is to be matter of fact and direct; if you’re matter of fact about it and don’t appear uncomfortable with the topic, your manager is more likely to respond in kind. I’d also go in with the assumption that of course they’ll take care of this, which interestingly sometimes makes it more like to happen.

I’d say something like this: “I’d like to request a sturdier chair. I’m finding my current one doesn’t support me well, I keep having to replace the armrests and casters, and I keep worrying that an arm will fall off right when I’m using it to raise or lower myself in or out of the chair, which I need to do because of some balance and joint issues. Could I talk with Jane about ordering a sturdier one for me to use?”

It’s possible that they’ll ask for a doctor’s note, yes, because some places are bureaucratic like that. But hopefully they won’t put you through that hassle. And if they push back at all, I’d actually suggest that as a next step — “because medical issues are involved, would it be helpful if I got some documentation from my doctor?” Sometimes that language can make someone realize “oh, medical thing that we should accommodate” when they hadn’t already gotten there on their own.

2. Should I request reimbursement for a business trip I ended up not taking?

I was supposed to go to a conference last week but unfortunately became ill en route and wasn’t able to attend. I’d paid for the hotel, airfare, and conference registration fee up front and was to be reimbursed by my employer after attending. I let them know the situation right away and when I got back to work I asked about whether I should even seek reimbursement as I didn’t attend the conference. As per HR, I should go ahead and submit my expenses as if I’d been able to go. My employer is pretty great and basically just said, “these things happen.”

I let HR know that I was able to cancel almost all of the hotel stay and that the airline is issuing a voucher. My employer has no issue reimbursing the conference registration fee. I’m just a little torn on what to do about airfare. Part of me feels that because the airline is offering me a voucher, I can’t request to be reimbursed for travel expenses. My friends, however, argue that this is money I wouldn’t otherwise have spent (a lot of money that I technically can’t afford) and that I should at least include the airfare in my request and see what happens. What’s your take? If it matters, I’m pretty new at this job and am already embarrassed about not attending the conference, I don’t want to make the wrong impression.

You should absolutely, 100%, without question submit the airfare expense for reimbursement. Your friends are right: This is an expense that you only incurred because of work, and it wouldn’t make any sense for pay for it yourself. Plus, your employer already told you to submit your expenses! Listen to them.

You should also tell them about the voucher and ask them what they’d like you to do with it (the easiest thing would be to save it for future work travel, but if you don’t do much travel and it’s not transferable, there might be nothing work-related you can do with it). But the voucher itself isn’t reason not to request reimbursement; you presumably wouldn’t have chosen to spend your own money on buying an airline voucher.

3. My manager asked if I have a problem working for a woman

My current supervisor, a woman, asked me during the interview process if I would have a problem working for a woman. I replied that I had worked with many nurse managers who were woman and never had a problem, and it really made no difference to me.

Recently, I ended up in a meeting with her and HR about tersely worded emails (nothing derogatory or inappropriate language) and the first thing she brings up is that she believes that I can’t work with her because she is a woman. Now, she may have been just trying to get me to display some anger. I did tell her that it was inappropriate and offensive. I also said that it was inappropriate the first time she asked in the interview. She suddenly didn’t want to talk about the subject any longer.

So I am asking if this is an appropriate question for an interview. In my experience as a manager, I would have never dreamed of asking a female candidate if she could work for a man.

No, it’s not an appropriate question for an interview, any more than “could you work for a Latino manager?” or “could you work for a Catholic manager?” The assumption should be that you’re not a bigot, unless you demonstrate otherwise (and at that point, said demonstration would presumably take you out of the running anyway).

4. How do I convince my mom to let me pursue the career I want?

I’m a high school student, and I have a question on how to pursue a career I want even though my parents don’t want me to. For almost my whole life, I have been interested in beauty and fashion, though I told my parents growing up I wanted to become an engineer. Now I want to apply for a cosmetology program in high school, but my mother said that if I want to become an engineer I have to do CADD. I had only told my parent I wanted to become an engineer because I had no clue what I wanted to be. My father looked put together as an engineer so I thought I should become an engineer too. I had no clue what an engineer even was at the time.

I want to apply to FIT and major in fashion design, but my mother thinks I should go for a more stable career. I have tried talking to her about going into fashion design and she said, “There are many great engineering fields in design.” She doesn’t listen to me. She cares most about salary and the life I will be living. Tonight she told me that with that job, I won’t be able to live like we do now, but I don’t want to live like we are now. Can I apply to college without my parents’ consent? How do I convince my mom to let me be what I want instead of something “marketable” or boring? I swear to god I don’t want to be sitting in a cubicle, then get married and settle down with two kids while he goes to work. I want to be self-sufficient and independent.

You can indeed apply to college without your parents’ consent! The bigger issue, though, is likely to be how to pay for it if your parents won’t pay for FIT or another fashion design school (although you can try applying for merit scholarships). Alternately, you could look at other colleges that offer general studies as well as design classes, which might be an easier sell for your parents.

You don’t have to convince your mom to let you be what you want — that’s totally up to you. Your parents might not be willing to pay for certain schools, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pursue fashion design if you want to or that you have to have a career you don’t want, and it definitely doesn’t mean that you’ll put in some years in a cubicle before settling down at home. It just means that you might have to pursue fashion without your parents’ financial help, or that you’d need to do it after getting a traditional degree (which is not a terrible thing; there’s a high enough chance that it’ll be useful to you in various ways that it’s worth doing, and you should see it as a supplement to the career you want, not a replacement for it).

5. My manager is thinking of running for public office

I work for a small law firm (the owner, me, and one other coworker) and recently found out that my boss intends to run for public office. I am not supposed to know this yet, but overheard a colleague of his discussing it in a common area of our shared office building. I also let my coworker know what I heard. Assuming he runs and wins the election, I can only assume that he would have to close his business in order to serve.

This of course puts me and my coworker in a tough position. Should I begin looking for a new job now while I still have one or wait to see if his political ambitions even go anywhere? I do generally enjoy my job, although I don’t think this this is where I want to be long term. This is also my first real job in the legal field (I’ve been here two years) so his reference will be very valuable to me when I job search. Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

No, you should not begin looking for a new job now because your manager might run for office, might win, and might close his business, all based on an overheard conversation. That would be an overreaction.

Wait and see what happens. If your manager runs, there’s probably a good chance he wouldn’t win, and if he wins, he might keep the business open (especially if he runs for local office; local office-holders usually keep their day jobs). Or he might not run at all. If he does run, you’ll have plenty of time to see how it plays out and to ask him what his plans are for the business if he wins.

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update: dealing with an overly touchy-feely colleague who wants to talk about feelings all the time

by Alison Green on December 15, 2015

Remember the letter-writer whose volunteer committee chair wanted to make their meetings “a safe place” (in a context where that wasn’t really needed) and and spent a bunch of time at already long meetings “checking in” on everyone’s feelings? Here’s the update.

I held off updating for a while because almost immediately after I wrote you, the situation took a bit of a turn. As much as I enjoyed the company and work of my fellow committee members, it was becoming clear that we as a group were spinning our wheels. I think that stems from a lot of places — the larger body sponsoring the committee gave it an extremely vague mission statement, offered very little feedback (and we’re a group of young people who were promised a certain amount of mentoring), and never ponied up any funds to put together any events or resources.

So on top of this annoying time-waster at meetings, nothing seemed to actually be getting done or moving forward in any meaningful way. Over the summer, a meeting was cancelled at the last minute: less than half of the members could attend, then the co-chair who had the key for the meeting room overslept. Only one person other than me had shown up, and she and I both received texts and phone calls to just “go down to the coffee shop” and start the meeting without him, and he would be there in 45 minutes. (This is after I spent 45 minutes getting there, for 10 a.m. on a Saturday.) We both ended up saying, forget it, clearly we’re not going to get any meaningful work done, just stay home. She and I went for brunch instead, had a long conversation about the committee, and it turns out she had the same frustrations as me, including check-ins!

That night, I wrote a (polite, professional) email to the co-chairs, explaining why I felt that that morning’s meeting should have been cancelled beforehand if so few members could attend, how I felt it was part of a larger problem in which our time was not being used efficiently (including the check-ins, length of meetings, and planning social excursions on top of regular committee hours), how I was disappointed in our sponsoring organization for not providing more support, and how I would like for us as a group to refocus our energies. She (the co-chair hosting the check-ins) responded politely that she appreciated me sharing my thoughts and we would discuss it further soon. A few weeks later, she wrote me an email, asking if we could meet in person, one-on-one, to talk about my feelings.

I briefly felt obligated to go, but I gave it 24 hours and wrote back, “I appreciate you taking my thoughts into consideration, but I think I said everything I needed to say in my email. At this point, I think it would be better if we saved any further discussion for the next meeting.”

Our next meeting was scheduled for two hours instead of three, to start at 11 a.m. instead of 10. I can’t tell you what a difference this made for me in my mood when I arrived at the meeting — I was better rested, better caffeinated, and much more optimistic. The meeting started with a check-in, but this time the co-chair asked us to reflect for a few minutes on how we feel about the committee’s actions so far, and what we’d like to do today to be more productive. She emphasized that the check-ins were voluntary, but we all ended up participating, me included. The head of our sponsor organization also attended, and we were able to have some frank conversations about how they can better support future committees.

I’m still not sold on the check-in concept in general, but this was a much-appreciated change. Even though the check-ins took roughly the same amount of time as usual, it felt more focused and productive, and we had a really great meeting following. As a bonus, I didn’t feel exposed or put on the spot, and in general I was much more relaxed and better able to contribute during the meeting.

Thank you so, so much for answering my question. Your response was insightful and reassuring, and your commenters are simply the best. I particularly enjoyed hearing from people who use check-ins and how it was helpful for them; it gave me a lot of perspective.

Update, part 2 (received after the update above):

The committee had its final meeting last weekend, and most of it was focused on what could be done differently or better down the road. One of the committee members apologized for having missed several meetings, as he was having a rough time at work and in his personal life, and he didn’t feel up to joining the group and participating in personal updates.

The co-chair then said she felt she had not done enough this year to check in with people to make sure they were handling their stress, and apologized for not conducting one-on-one check-ins on a weekly basis, as she has done in the past. You’ll recall from my original letter, this came up earlier and was never carried out (after I said I did not think it was necessary for me).

What ensued was an extremely awkward and delicate conversation, in which another committee member and I both asserted that we found check-ins time-wasting and uncomfortable, and while perhaps it would be beneficial for some folks to use the group as a sounding board for their personal or professional issues, it isn’t particularly fair to mandate it for the group. I tried really hard to not be disrespectful of the committee member who mentioned his personal issues, because I didn’t want him to feel like HE wasn’t allowed to share, just that I did not want to have to be asked constantly, and in the end I don’t think my point came across because I was afraid to speak too strongly on it.

Regardless, I’m relieved that the experience is now behind me, and I’m grateful (again) for the feedback and support of the Ask A Manager crowd!

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work spouses, creativity vs. productivity, and more

by Alison Green on December 15, 2015

Over at Intuit QuickBase’s Fast Track blog today, I take a look at several interesting work-related stories in the news right now: the trade-off for getting your team to be more creative, whether having a “work spouse” increases your productivity, and more. You can read it here.

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can I tell my manager that I’m NOT pregnant?

by Alison Green on December 15, 2015

A reader writes:

Is there any way to ensure my supervisor knows I’m definitely NOT pregnant?

I started a full-time office job as a temp five months ago. Before that, I had just graduated art school after six years – a period of time that was amazing, but not entirely financially stable. Having struggled with an eating disorder for more than a decade (I’m 26 now), having a stable job means I’m actually able to afford to eat properly, as well as access support. I am more on the road to recovery than ever before, and I am excited about these positive changes.

One issue – my body has been changing, thanks to my new diet, as well as having recently taken up boxing, and some of my new weight has settled on my stomach. I’m okay with this (ideal cat bed!), but I’ve had to make some accommodations – all the pants I purchased five months ago for the office are too small, so my new wardrobe consists of elastic waist wool and tweed trousers, and knit sweaters a little more forgiving than my thin cardigans.

Straight up: I look pregnant. I look like a quite thin person at the beginning, glowing stages of pregnancy. I had assumed I was just imagining it, until last week, a woman on the subway offered me her seat because I “have a baby” (never mind I had my period last week!).

I am the oldest of six kids, so witnessing some of the 4-1/2 years my mom was pregnant taught me the mannerisms of pregnancy – which I’ve been trying to actively go against (stand up straight always, hands nowhere near stomach or lower back, etc). I’ve ensured clothes are forgiving, but not TOO forgiving – the elastic waist pants thing is hard, because while my body is changing, I don’t want to waste money on fitted waists that end up hurting me when I sit, two weeks from now.

The office I work in has a long history of permanently hiring the temps it gets from the same agency I’m from; while I’ve been here, three temps have been made permanent, and we’re soon moving to a new office as we’re growing so fast. I’m so, so afraid that my supervisor will be reluctant to consider me for the same thing, if I’m “pregnant” and may take mat leave or something. I also feel ridiculous and paranoid even writing that! There seems to be no way to indicate in casual conversation, “nope, not preggo, just some fat!” but I also am very wary of this extra weight hurting any chance I may have. Am I right to be worried, or do I just need to chill?

For what it’s worth, my supervisor hasn’t indicated she thinks I’m pregnant, and nothing overt regarding that has occurred; however, I have taken some unexpected sick days in the past few months (contagious pink eye, heat exhaustion). Also, a couple weeks ago, my clinical depression hit hard and I ended up asking her if I could leave the office an hour early, as I couldn’t stop crying – I took the next day off, and emailed her saying, “I am at the tail end of dealing with a health issue and let it get the best of me today. I apologize for letting you see me in that state, and will be back tomorrow bright-eyed and bushy tailed.” I worry that these things could be seen as me covering for a pregnancy.

Well, in theory your body is no one’s business but your own and you certainly shouldn’t have to announce anything about the state of your uterus to your boss … but in reality, people do speculate on whether women are pregnant or not, or even assume that they are without adequate cause. (Adequate cause = the woman tells you personally that she is, in fact, pregnant.)

Plus, it’s very possible that even if your manager did think you might be pregnant, it wouldn’t impact whether she considered you for a permanent role or not. That’s certainly how it should work (and how the law requires that it work) … but in reality, sometimes people to factor pregnancy into their thinking when it comes to hiring decisions, even if only unconsciously. And it’s not just horrible misogynists who do that (if so, it would be easier to write this off as “well, I wouldn’t want to work for that person anyway”); plenty of other people catch themselves thinking, “It would be too hard to have someone out for months during our busy period.”

So, given that, I think you have two choices:

1. Decide you don’t care, regardless. There’s some power in this choice — in saying, “F it, this is my body and I’m okay with it, and I’m not going to worry about how people may or may not be assessing my stomach.”

2. Decide you’d be happier if you said something, just for the peace of mind of not needing to think about it anymore. If this is the case, there are a few options for what to say. I wouldn’t have a big, serious, I Must Tell You That I Am Not Pregnant conversation, but rather would just drop it in casually:
* “Something about boxing is making me look pregnant.”
* “All my winter clothes make me look pregnant.”
* “I think a woman on the subway thought I was pregnant and offered me her seat. I’m not pregnant, for the record!”

Writing these out, I think they’re all going to be at least a little awkward to say, but I think that’s just inherent to the situation and there’s not a lot to be done about that.

What do others think?

Also, congratulations to you for overcoming an eating disorder; that is not easy.

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office party will increase my workload, my wife’s company party makes me uneasy, and more

by Alison Green on December 15, 2015

It’s seven holiday-related questions, and seven answers. Here we go…

1. Attending my office holiday party will seriously raise my workload

What should you do if attending your office holiday party will result in an increased workload? Our department’s holiday party is going to be during the workday, for four hours. If I am away from my desk during this time, I know that I’m going to have to work at least as many extra hours after the party in order to deal with everything that came up while I was there, and I know I’ll also risk angering some clients who expect me to be able to deal with issues that come up ASAP (I’m in tech support). Do I go and just accept I’ll be working very late that day? Should I show up for a limited time? Or should I skip the whole thing altogether?

I’d make a brief appearance (seriously brief, like 20 minutes) and then return to work. If you have a manager who cares whether you show up to these sorts of things, just explain the situation to her ahead of time — “Hey, given the projects on my plate that day and the fact that clients often want support ASAP, I’m planning to just make an appearance at the party but then head back to my desk.”

2. Gifting upwards to someone who isn’t my direct manager

I work in a large public library system as a part-time associate, which means that I have most of the responsibilities of a librarian. It’s a lot of work to do on a part-time schedule, but fortunately my manager and coworkers are very supportive. One of them has gone above and beyond to help me this past year, and I’d like to give her a $10 gift card to let her know how much I appreciate it. I know that it’s inappropriate (and against my union’s rules) to give a gift to one’s manager, but what about to people who are at a higher level in the organization, but not within my my department or to whom I don’t report? It’s not against the rules, but is it a good idea?

(I also want to let you know that I’m working on my Master’s degree and took a course this semester in library management. As part of our coursework, we had to follow three professional blogs or publications, and Ask a Manager was the hit of the class. We often discussed your columns, and I talked about it so much at home that my husband started reading it as well. Thanks for your insights!)

Nope, don’t do it. What you should do, though, is to write her a note or card that tells her how much you’ve appreciated her help this year, and be as specific as you can about why. That kind of thing is treasured, often for years, far more than gift cards. So you’ll achieve much more of what you want to do (express sincere appreciation in a way that will make her feel good) with none of the gifting-upwards awkwardness.

Also, that is super cool about your class!

3. How to decline donating to a gift for the boss

I am new to my office (less than two months) and today an email went out to all of us about contributing to Christmas gifts for our supervisor, her boss, and our three leads. (I work in a call center.) How do I decline donating to these gifts? Some of my coworkers can be snippy about things and I don’t want to become the office naysayer, but I firmly believe in gifting down, not up. And if I do decide to go with the flow on this, how much is ok?

If you weren’t new, I’d encourage you to push back against the whole thing (“I’ve been reading that etiquette rules prohibit gifting upwards and that it makes a lot of managers uncomfortable — here’s an article about it — so I think we should just do a card”). But it can be tough to do that as the new person, so this year I’d just say, “Unfortunately my budget won’t allow me to chip in.”

However, if you decide it’s not a battle you feel like fighting, it’s really up to you how much you chip in. I can’t imagine a situation where I’d be willing to chip in more than 20 bucks for a manager’s gift (and even that would grate on me), but everyone draws this line differently.

4. I don’t like the sound of my wife’s company party

My wife recently took a job working for a large corporation three months ago. They are having a big blow-out dinner Christmas party, and no spouses or guests are allowed. I find this odd, as every company I’ve ever worked for allowed a guest when having a dinner party. A Christmas lunch is different only because you’re not expected to get trashed and more than likely the guest would be working at their job.

These people are a wild bunch who love to party and get rowdy. This place of business is about a half hour drive from where we live. She is insisting that she get a hotel room nearby, and she thinks this is acceptable behavior.

I haven’t expressed my dissatisfaction at this point and looking for an answer on how to best handle this situation. Also, last week she mentioned this and, most likely from the look on my face, she indicated that I could join her in the hotel room. It did make that situation more acceptable, but last night over dinner she basically excluded me and reserved a room for herself just down the road from the restaurant.

I can’t tell if you’re suspicious about whether the party is really employees-only, but it’s certainly feasible that it is. Some companies do have employees-only parties, even in the evening, although it’s not as common as parties that include spouses.

Getting a hotel room nearby so that she doesn’t have to drive home from a party where she’ll be drinking is in theory a responsible choice; presumably the idea is that she doesn’t want to drive after drinking or maybe drive home late at night.

But it sounds like you’re distrustful of the whole situation and that there’s an issue between you and your wife, totally separate from the issue of this particular party. Do you not trust her to attend by herself? If not, why not? I’d focus there and not on the party itself. This is a relationship issue more than a work issue, and I’d argue that the party is a red herring.

5. Is this an exception to the no-gifts-upward rule?

I know you’ve said that holidays gifts at work should flow downward, but I’m wondering if there are exceptions and, if so, does my case qualify?

My boss is very high level in the organization and has several managers reporting to her. I’m the only non-manager who reports directly to her. We have a good working relationship, and both share a love of animals, which we discuss during breaks, etc.

There is a book I know she would love, and am wondering if it is OK to get it for her as a holiday gift? It costs about $10-$12.

I will mention that I was hired on a one-year contract, but she recently asked me if I wanted to stay on and I said “yes,” so that part is out of the way so I don’t think this would be inappropriate.

I do think this is an exception. You don’t feel obligated to get her a gift and it’s not about getting her a gift for the sake of a gift, but rather this very specific item that you think she’d love.

6. Pointing out to my office that its holiday expectations are expensive for some of us

I was hired a few months ago as an entry-level professional (read: my salary is minimal and is just enough to cover expenses) after having recently graduated. We have a December staff meeting coming up, and the office mandates the purchase of a gift valued between a set range (so there is a minimum and maximum) and bringing food to the meeting.

I do not want to start any huge conflicts, especially as a new employee, so I already purchased the ingredients for the food item I decided to make and the gift. However, I am wondering if there is anything I can say or do to address this moving forward without creating unnecessary conflict or severely negatively affecting my relationships with my colleagues and supervisors.

Yep, you could say something like this to your manager or the person organizing the event: “I wanted to mention to you that on my salary, this really stretched my budget and was tough to pull off. I figured that might not be on the radar of people more senior to me, and I wanted to mention it in case next year the dollar amount can be lowered or more flexibility can be built in.”

7. Am I invited to this holiday party or not?

I started my job about 6 months ago and the place is very disorganized and mismanaged (I could give a ton of examples, but it would go on for pages).

Recently, I heard through the grapevine that there was going to be a holiday party. When I say the grapevine, I overheard my boss discussing it with two other people and the door was wide open, so no snooping was going on. Today I was told by my coworker that the party is officially on for next week but that is about all I know. I also know it is going to take place in my boss’s house, but I don’t know where she lives.

I am trying to figure out what I should do about all this as I would like more info, for example the time, if spouses/ significant others are invited, and any other information. To add to things, my coworker said to not expect to hear anything from said boss and if I want more info to ask person X. I also heard (again through the grapevine) that they want to possibly buy my boss a gift for this party. This seems so strange and I really would like to know how to handle this.

Ask a coworker for more information — either the one you already talked to, or the person she suggested you speak with. Just say this: “Can you tell me more about the party? Should I assume that I’m invited, even if I haven’t received an official invitation? Or is it possible that it’s only for some people? I don’t want to show up if it would be a faux paus to do that!” If you hear that yes, everyone is invited, then follow up with your logistics questions.

I’d err on the side of assuming that it’s just very casual, rather than that there’s anything weird going on.

Read an update to this letter here.

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update: my workplace pulled a mean April Fools prank on employees

by Alison Green on December 14, 2015

Remember the letter-writer at the company where, as an April Fools joke, the managers all told employees they were required to work four hours of overtime that night and the following day? And where the HR lady thought it was hilarious that some people “turned white as a sheet”? Here’s the update.

I had commented on the original post on April 2: “I just confided my opinion to my manager about this prank. She talked very condescendingly to me about how ‘release of tension’ and ‘a few laughs’ are necessary in a workplace, and that’s why they came up with a prank for the employees. I agreed with her but said I found that particular idea mean-spirited. Then she told me it was her idea, and basically said the regular employees know to expect this and catch on quickly and the new ones will figure out this tradition. She responded very differently and I had to just backpedal and brown-nose and act dumb to avoid conflict. I really wanted to use the words ‘abuse of power,’ but that would have resulted in another two-hour meeting.

Now, here we are in November already. Where am I now? NO LONGER WITH THIS COMPANY! I was a frequent commenter on all sorts of issues at this toxic, dysfunctional crazy place. The prank incident was just one of many that told me the management does not value its employees at all. Later this year, I learned the following:

1) Wages have been frozen, not even cost of living increases, since 2004 and they’re “finally maybe thinking about possibly doing something about that.”

2) I disclosed my disability to my manager, in confidence, asking her to keep the info to herself for now. I just wanted to explain I have Asperger’s syndrome in order to help her understand some of the communication problems that were developing between us. I also approached her in a mentor role and asked her advice on whether I should put it on record with HR. She strongly discouraged me from doing so. She also tried to make me feel guilty for not disclosing it on my application or during my interview, seeming angry that I had waited months before dropping this bomb on her, and then in the same breath she said she “always knew I was a little different” and went on about her grandchildren with autism and how she knows all about it… WTF?

3) I explained that I would only disclose my disability to HR if I felt I needed to request accommodations in the future (which I was considering), and to cover me under the ADA for any future issues that might come up. My boss got really defensive at the idea that I would be worried about protections under the ADA and went on a spiel about how “nobody treats anybody any differently around here, so why are you worried about being protected?” She then admitted to me that she had disclosed my disability to her boss, the VP of operations in the corporate office – someone I do not work with closely and who hardly even knows me. She told him without my knowledge or permission – she gave away my private medical information to him!

4) They called my emergency contact to locate me on the day I decided impulsively to quit with no notice. My emergency contact was my mother, and my mother filed a missing person report with the police – because I was never expecting my boss to chat with my mom about my whereabouts or my comings and goings from/to work – and my mother herself is disabled in another way, she has paranoid disorder and it caused a HUGE mess in my personal life because my job revealed non-emergency information to my mother. I thought they could only call your emergency contact if you get hurt or killed or go missing on the job.

Yeah, so I walked off that job one day.

I now work for one of my old company’s customers.

Update to the update: The letter-writer has clarified in the comments below that she didn’t no-call/no-show at her job. She writes:

“I was out for two days prior to quitting. I called my manager before and during my time out when I was handling a personal family matter. I was actually on the road with a family member taking them to and from a clinic hundreds of miles away, and during that ordeal my boss knew I was not missing. However the icing on the cake was the fact she kept texting and texting and calling me during the time I was out driving my family member to and from the city and she even came to my home the night I got back into town and knocked on my door. 

There is where all my residual anger about this toxic place kind of caved in and I didn’t answer the door or return any more of her messages that day. I guess that was my final straw. The next morning I went and handed a resignation note to the receptionist and did not speak to my boss or anyone else, and consigned myself to my fate.

It was AFTER I handed in my resignation that I heard through the grapevine that my mother had been phoned by my boss. I don’t know the details of their conversation.

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how to ruin employee morale during the holidays

by Alison Green on December 14, 2015

If workplaces all around the country this month, loads of holiday initiatives meant to boost employee morale are unfolding: holiday parties, gift exchanges, cubicle and cookie decorating contests, charitable collections, and other events to mark the season. Ironically, though, the very events designed to make workers feel warm and fuzzy can leave an awful lot of people feeling aggravated and demoralized.

Here are seven ways some employers ruin morale during the holidays. Take a look and see if you recognize your own workplace in any of these.

1. Holiday event overload. Employees tend to have especially busy lives this month, with lots of other holiday-related commitments. A single office holiday party is usually appreciated (although not always; more on that in a minute), but some offices go overboard with holiday events: a daytime potluck, an evening party, a cookie decorating gathering, a Christmas sweater contest, and a separate gift exchange. While some employees might love all these festivities, others are going to feel overextended and annoyed at the intrusions into an already very busy month. Pick one holiday event, do it well, and then free your employees from the burden of additional obligations. Or, if you must do more, make it clear everything is truly opt-in only.

2. Being insensitive to differences of faith (or non-faith). Assuming that everyone celebrates a particular holiday will quickly make some of your employees feel isolated or uncomfortable. It’s fine to have holiday decorations up, but keep them reasonably secular: Don’t put out a nativity scene in your reception area, sing hymns at your holiday party, or invite staff to participate in a religious prayer. And watch out for inclusivity efforts that go awry, like putting Hanukkah ornaments on a Christmas tree.

3. Pressuring people to participate in pricy gift exchanges. At a time of year when many people’s budgets are already stretched thin, it’s not thoughtful to put more spending obligations on people. If your office does a gift exchange, keep it optional (truly; no side eye for people who don’t participate) and limited to a low dollar amount.

4. Allowing pricy gifts for the boss. Gifts in the workplace should flow downward, not upward; this means that gifts from managers to employees are fine, but employees should not be expected to give gifts to those above them. Yet many offices take up collections to buy gifts for the boss – sometimes pricy gifts that are more extravagant than what employees will buy for their families. Smart offices will ban the practice altogether, because many people understandably resent being asked to fund a gift for the person who signs their paychecks (and who may make significantly more money than they do), yet will feel uncomfortable opting out if everyone else is participating.

5. Requiring attendance at the company holiday party. Workplace holidays parties are ostensibly intended to treat employees and build morale; they won’t do that if you make attendance mandatory. Some employees, particularly the more introverted on your staff, may see the holiday party as something to be dreaded, and others might simply prefer to spend the evening with their families or friends instead of having another social obligation this month. If that’s the case, make it okay for them to opt out – and don’t penalize people, even unofficially, for not attending.

6. Making it impossible for some people to attend the holiday party. While not everyone will want to attend the company party, anyone who does want to should be able to. That means that companies need to make arrangements to have their phones covered so the receptionist can attend the party, and not ask some people to work at the party as coat checkers or caterers. Inviting people to a party where they have to work or where their jobs mean they can’t actually attend is not going to build morale.

7. Giving gifts en masse without thought about what truly works for everyone. Some companies give everyone a ham or a bottle of wine – which sounds generous until you think about vegetarians, Muslims, kosher Jews, or recovering alcoholics. And sure, it’s true that gift recipients shouldn’t be choosy, but in a workplace settings, these sorts of gifts from an employer signal “we don’t realize our staff is a group of diverse people.” When you need a gift that will work for a large group of employees, bonuses or extra time off will never fail to make people happy.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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my manager keeps exaggerating about my stress level

by Alison Green on December 14, 2015

A reader writes:

I’m in a new position, which I enjoy. Of course, no job is perfect, and there’s a curious issue I’m not sure how to handle: What do you think is the line between exaggerating and lying? And, when does it need to be addressed in a “managing up” situation when it’s a direct supervisor doing it?

Some of my manager’s exaggerations are not work-related. For example, my supervisor said, “G. ate FIVE cupcakes!” when I ate one. I blew it off with a smile and something like, “They were so rich, one was enough.” I’m a healthy, average weight, there were plenty of cupcakes, and no one asked. I can’t imagine why she made that comment.

When the exaggerations are work-related, a common theme is my stress level. I’m relatively calm (other people would say this, too) but do, of course, have complaints and frustrations – a software update that kept me from completing a project one afternoon, a customer who can’t be satisfied, etc. When I’ve expressed such frustrations, she turns them into comments like “G. HATES the new software!” I’ve learned to be neutral about problems or say nothing if possible; however, I do have to report issues to her and can’t frame everything in a positive light.

I can ignore the personal comments, but the work-related ones bother me, because they seem to have some impact. Though our department head once made a offhand comment about my supervisor’s tendency to exaggerate, she still asks me questions that seem to imply she takes the exaggerations seriously (e.g., “I heard you were really upset about the software update. Do we need to meet with IT to set up training?”).

Most of the time, I’m caught off guard and don’t say anything unless my supervisor repeats the comment. At other times, I try to address it calmly, as with the cupcakes. But when our department head brings concerns to me based on the exaggerations, I’m not sure what to do. Do I trust that she will recognize I am handling my duties and not overwhelmed/stressed out/etc.? I’m uncomfortable stating a version of “That’s not what I said,” but maybe that’s necessary? Or, maybe this is one of those issues that seems like a bigger deal than it really is?

If it were just about cupcakes, you could write it off as a weird eccentricity. But because some of your manager’s hyperbole is work-related and giving people an inaccurate impression of you, I think you do need to say something.

The next time your department head comes and asked you about one of these exaggerations, set the record straight. And I would be fairly direct — as in, “Hmmm, I’m surprised Jane said that; I wasn’t upset at all, and I told her that the software update would be fine.” I’d also be ready for an opening to say something like, “You know, I’m a pretty calm person and don’t get stressed or upset easily. Should we try to figure out why things keep getting relayed to you that way?”

Even if you’re not comfortable with that last part though (and whether you are will probably depend on your dynamics with the department head), definitely do calmly and matter-of-factly correct the record when she brings you these inaccuracies. If you don’t, you’re allowing her to continue on with the wrong impression, and there’s no reason to do that.

Also, I’d strongly consider saying something to your manager — either case by case or about the broader pattern. Case by case would sound like this: “Lucinda came to me and said she’d heard from you that I was really upset about the software update. I was a little alarmed that she thought that and I want to make sure you know that I wasn’t. Did I do something that gave you that impression?” Broader pattern would sound like this: “Lucinda told me she’d heard from you that I was really upset about the software update, and I’ve noticed that there have been other times when you’ve told others that I’m stressed or upset about something when I wasn’t. I’m actually generally a pretty calm person and have an even keel; it would be unusual for me to be very upset. I’m concerned that there’s something I’m doing that’s giving you the wrong impression, and so I want to correct it so that you know going forward.”

If you address it head-on, it should be pretty hard for her to keep telling everyone how stressed and upset you are. But, frankly, she may continue anyway because hyperbole sounds pretty second-nature to her.

If that’s the case, keep in mind that exaggerators often exaggerate not to intentionally deceive, but because they’re dramatic story-tellers, and exaggerating lets them tell a more exciting/dramatic/interesting account of something — and they tend not to think about how their exaggerations may actually cause problems or misunderstandings. Of course, it’s possible that your manager has some other motive here (like that she’s the one who was annoyed by the software update in your example, and she’s using you as a proxy to relay her own concern), but because the pattern extends to non-work stuff, I think she’s just a lover of hyperbole.

You’re right to be aware of it and to minimize the chances she has to exercise it where you’re concerned, but I’d also expect that she’ll continue finding places to do it, and you’ll just need to manage around it and address it head-on when it’s important to correct things.

Read an update to this letter here.

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job candidate got company name wrong, makeup at work, and more

by Alison Green on December 14, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Job candidate got our company name wrong in a presentation

My company is currently conducting interviews for an upper-level management position. As part of the interview process, candidates give a presentation to staff. Recently, we had a candidate who got the name of our organization wrong on his opening slide–using instead the similar name of another company. Of course all took note of this, but nothing was said, at least at the time. (We’re asked to fill out candidate evaluations afterwards, and I’m sure every single person mentioned it.)

I’m not on the hiring committee but am wondering what you and the community think about a mistake like this: Should it be considered a serious mark against him? Or if he is otherwise a strong candidate, should it be forgiven/overlooked? (If nothing else, the mistake shows deficiency in “attention to detail,” a classic job qualification. The person in this role would frequently be representing our company by giving presentations at industry events and professional conferences.) Also, should someone on the hiring committee, who helped him get set up on the computer beforehand, have pointed out the mistake so he could have fixed it before everyone else showed up, or was it better to let everyone see?

Ooooh, that’s not good. Of course everyone makes mistakes at times; we are human, after all. But when a job candidate makes an error of sloppiness, you have to take it seriously because you don’t have many data points about the person (unlike with, say, a colleague who you’ve worked with for a while and where you know that it’s an aberration that doesn’t reflect their normal work).

If he were otherwise a stellar candidate, I wouldn’t let this alone be the reason you don’t hire him — but take it as a flag to more closely examine his attention to detail, because you want to make sure it was truly a fluke and not indicative of a pattern of sloppiness. I’d slow down and make a point of looking at other materials he’s provided during your hiring process, and possibly consider creating another opportunity to see him in action so that you can gather more data. And depending on the context, you might point the mistake out to him and see how he responds (mortified? cavalier?).

I definitely wouldn’t have wanted the person who helped him set up to have tipped him off beforehand so he could fix it before everyone else saw it. That would be valuing helping him save face over the hiring committee’s ability to see and assess his work unfiltered.

2. Makeup in a business casual office

What’s the protocol for wearing makeup in a business casual setting? My impression was that it should always remain neutral, but I was wondering whether a red lip (or berry, or some other non-neutral color) would be inappropriate? I’m asking because I love makeup and enjoy the creativity behind it, and I’d love the ability to bring that to the office in small doses. Are small touches appropriate? The only information I could find online came from Cosmo, which didn’t seem like a reliable source.

Yeah, Cosmo would also have you believe that you can wear “business shorts” and skirts that hit mid-thigh. But non-neutral lip colors should be totally fine.

It is possible to go overboard on makeup at work, but that’s usually more about wearing a full face of obviously heavy makeup, or a night-time smoky eye look, or glittery disco eyes – something that says “night out.” Red or berry lips? Totally fine.

3. We agreed to a retainer … didn’t we?

I agreed to a 40 hour/month retainer situation with a client (I’m a freelance copywriter). I submitted my invoice for the first two weeks of the month (per their payroll person) and charged half the monthly fee even though I hadn’t actually put in 20 hours of work for that period. Now the client is griping about that. Isn’t that just how retainers work? They’re “retaining” me for my time/availability, right?

What was agreed to initially, verbally, was they would retain me for 40 hour a month for a set amount of money. They stated this was to ensure I would be available to them and that I would prioritize them over other work. We discussed that if I went over the 40 hours, I’d charge them my regular hourly rate. As I recall, when I asked “what if I work less than the agreed upon hours?” my contact there said, “Well, that’s the beauty of a retainer for you.” So either she’s forgetting what we talked about, or she’s trying to cheat me. I just want to handle it diplomatically.

Yes, that is indeed how retainers work!

I’d say something like this: “My understanding was that we’ve been discussing a retainer agreement where (organization name) would retain me for up to 40 hours a month, with any hours over that being charged at my normal hourly rate. A retainer, of course, reserves my time so that I’m available if/when you need me, but isn’t typically docked if we don’t use all the reserved time (since that’s time that I’m not allotting to other clients). Your email of (date) seemed to indicate that as well, when we were discussing how to handle a scenario where I worked less than the retained hours. So now I’m confused! Did we miscommunicate somewhere along the way?

4. Did my boss violate my privacy when he switched out my filing cabinet?

I have a question regarding privacy at work. Recently, while I was out of the office, my boss switched out a two-drawer lateral filing cabinet that I was using. The documents in it were work-related. He asked another coworker to witness him exchange this out. He replaced it because he wanted all the cabinets in the office to be black, and mine was tan. I did not find out about this until the next day when I returned to work. Was this a violation of my privacy at work? He didn’t discuss this with me at all. The worst part was that the cabinet he switched it for was a broken one, although he did put in a request to fix it.

No. Legally speaking, there’s no expectation of privacy at work with this kind of thing. Your employer owns the filing cabinet and they can change it if they want to. They can also go through your work papers if they want to.

It can feel a little unsettling to have something like this happen — that stuff feels like yours — but I’d let it go.

5. Giving notice around the holidays

I’ve recently accepted a new position and will be giving my notice right around Christmas, and I start my new job shortly after the beginning of the year. I like my current job and the people I work with, but the benefits and career potential of the new position were to good to turn down.

Unfortunately, the timing of this puts me in a bit of an uncomfortable spot with some prescheduled training a week before I plan to give notice and now an office Christmas party just a couple of days beforehand. What’s the best way to handle these situations so it doesn’t look so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to take advantage of my current employer and any advice on giving notice during the middle of the holidays?

It’s not going to look like you’re trying to take advantage of them. The training was pre-scheduled, and office Christmas parties are rarely such coveted invitations that someone would engage in sneaky notice timing just to be able to go (and really, you’re likely to be able to go regardless; no sane company would refuse to let someone attend the party just because they were preparing to leave).

There’s rarely a great time to give notice; there are always events or trainings or business trips or projects that feel like they intersect poorly with a resignation. That’s normal, and your employer is unlikely to find it remarkable.

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