four more updates from letter-writers

by Alison Green on December 10, 2015

Here are four updates from letter-writers who had their questions answered here this year.

1. My boss is furious after my coworker pranked her

After the incident occured, the manager spoke to HR directly, but no actions were taken against my coworker. The manager cooled down and talked to my coworker as if it did not happen. My coworker was a little upset that the manager chose not to address the issue with her because she felt embarrassed that the manager called her the name in front of the office. My coworker felt they both should have apologized to one another.

Currently, said coworker has chosen to leave the company to pursue a new job and the manager has found a replacement.

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It really helped me to see different insights for the manager’s reaction.

2. Should I resign while I’m away on my honeymoon? (#3 at the link)

I submitted my resignation on November 10 and let them know that I’d be coming back into the office after my honeymoon, but that my last day would be November 25. Boss and board are evidently fine with this; I had an extremely positive exit interview with two board members today, and Boss and I had a long meeting this morning to go over some process questions. I suppose it speaks well of everyone that they all appear surprisingly (to me, anyway) supportive of my decision, of the timing, and of the direction that I’m taking my career by making this move.

All’s well that ends well, and I’ll start my new position on November 30.

3. Rogue admin has published her own strict rulebook for new hires

The division director and I sat down with the admin and asked why she thought what she was doing necessary and appropriate. She was accountable, with some initial defensiveness. With coaching and mentoring, I also reviewed our agency policies and procedures with her, as well as review of the organization chart. She relaxed and seemed to understand. She understood the gravity of the situation, and we gave her a written disciplinary and placed a site coordinator at the office to supervise her.

She seems to have excelled and is doing a great job over the last 90 days. It seems she felt she had complete autonomy to put into place any policy she thought was necessary to try and run an efficient office. However, she did this without communicating changes to her direct supervisor. The problem was, the other staff on site were confused as to who their supervisor(s) were. It seems they were reluctant to disclose her behavior, so they would not be perceived as “rocking the boat.” I understand this, as they have to work with her every day. She is very clear on the need for transparency and communication, which has resulted in better relationships for her with the staff on site.

By the way, the document she put into place has been removed, and frequent trips to the satellite office are made on a rotating basis with members of management to check in and let people know they are valued.

Thank you for everything, I really enjoyed the insights.

4. My manager wants to advertise for rock stars

I’m happy to say that I ended up not having to really do much about this issue. We met with the CEO, who vetoed the “rock star” in the title in favor of something else (which we ran by developers on our team, and they liked it!) And even better, the CEO complimented my work on the new, more casual job description.

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is your problem employee coachable?

by Alison Green on December 10, 2015

When an employee is struggling to produce results, managers often aren’t sure whether they should invest time in coaching the person and trying to build their skills, or whether it’s simply not the right fit. On one hand, people can and do improve their work skills all the time; on the other hand, though, some skill deficiencies can’t be fixed with the amount of time typically available on the job. How can you tell which you’re facing?

Here are five steps to figuring out whether to invest development energy in coaching your team member or whether you might be looking at a more fundamental mismatch.

1. Think about whether the issue is a fairly straightforward skill or a more fundamental talent or trait. For example, you can usually teach someone to use a particular type of software or help them practice a sales technique. But other talents and core traits – like strong writing, critical thinking, or attention to detail – tend to be deeply rooted and difficult for a manager to change.

2. Think about whether the area where the person is struggling is one that’s fundamental to succeeding in the job, or whether it’s more of a “nice to have.” For example, if you have a shy programmer who has trouble connecting with others, her shyness probably doesn’t interfere with her ability to do her job well. But if she were in a heavily client-facing job, it might impact the core results she was able to get in her job.

So ask yourself how important the area you’re concerned about is to a successful performance in the role. When a problem is about fundamental traits or talents that are heart of the requirements of the role, you might eventually succeed in generating small improvements, but the person probably won’t ever perform at the high level you need.

3. Reflect on what the staff member has done with the guidance you’ve given so far. Does the person have a track record of taking a small amount of assistance and putting it into practice in a way that leads to notable progress? Or have they struggled to apply the help you’ve given so far? When someone is able to take advantage of the development energy you invest, it makes more sense to invest that energy than when you haven’t seen evidence that it pays off in the way you need.

4. Be honest with yourself about what it would take to get the person’s skills where you need them. For example, if you might feel that if you were able to spend multiple hours each week with the person, coaching her and mentoring her, you’d be able to build her skills to the level needed – but that might not be the right use of your time. Managers also sometimes over-rely on sending struggling team members to outside trainings. Trainings can help build very specific skills (like learning to use a particular software) but rarely are as effective when the problem is one of core talents (like writing or communication skills).

5. Think about how clearly you’ve communicated your expectations to the person. If you haven’t already clearly told the person what you need and where they’re falling short, they may not even realize that they need to focus on improving in that area. Simply realizing it may not be enough, but it’s a crucial first step if improvement is ever to be possible … and if it does turn out that the fit just isn’t the right one, this kind of discussion will lay the groundwork for figuring that out without blindsiding the person too.

 

I originally published this at Intuit QuickBase’s blog.

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how to get info from job candidates who turn down our offers

by Alison Green on December 10, 2015

A reader writes:

I am not a jobseeker (yet), but am currently working as untrained HR personnel.

There are some things my management wants to know about job candidates under two circumstances, but I’m not sure if they are okay questions to ask. I guess I just want to know what I’m doing is right or wrong, even if I have no choice in the matter.

So, first, what are the questions appropriate to ask if a candidate turns down our job offer in favor of another offer? Are the following questions appropriate?
• Which company’s offer did you accept?
• What is the reason for rejecting our offer in favor of theirs?
• What did they offer?

Also, if we have interviewed a candidate before but did not make an offer, and then we change minds in another few months’ time but they have already found a job, are the following questions appropriate?
• Which company are you currently working at?
• Are you currently working in the U.S. now (if said candidate is a foreigner)?

Well, sort of. It’s all in how you ask.

The key thing is to remember that you’re not entitled to this information; candidates would be doing you a favor by sharing it. If you just present the questions in a rote manner, lots of candidates are going to balk because you’ll sound like you don’t realize that.

For example, don’t do this:

Candidate: I’ve decided to go with another offer.
You: Hmmm, okay. I have some follow-up questions to ask you. Which company’s offer did you accept? …What is the reason for rejecting our offer in favor of theirs, and what did they offer?

That sounds like an interrogation about information you’re not entitled to, and that’s going to turn people off.

But if you ask these things conversationally, you can often get answers. For example:

Candidate: I’ve decided to go with another offer.
You: Aw, I’m disappointed to hear that — we really thought you’d be a great fit. But of course we’re glad you had options and picked the job that felt like the best match. Any chance you’d be willing to tell me what would have made our offer more competitive, so that we’re better positioned to avoid losing candidates like you in the future?
Candidate: Sure. (Reasons.)
You: That’s really helpful. Thank you! I’d love to know where you’re going and what you’ll be doing so we can keep in touch, if you’re willing to share it.
Candidate: I’ll be heading up the spouts division at Teapots Inc.
You: That sounds like a great role. Congratulations! I’d love to know what they offered, if you’re willing to share.

(That last question is a little trickier. Lots of people don’t like discussing their compensation, and you’ll get plenty of no’s to this. But it’s not rude to ask if you’ve already established rapport through the rest of the friendly conversation before that part, and as long as you’re prepared for a no.)

Here’s a sample conversation for the second situation you asked about, about approaching candidates who you’d rejected a few months ago:

You: We talked a few months ago about our teapot manager position, and I wondered if you’d be interested in continuing that conversation.
Candidate: Well, since we last talked, I ended up accepting another job.
You: I’m sorry for us, but happy for you! Do you mind if I ask where you ended up?
Candidate: I’m on the engineering team at Teapots International.
You: Interesting! Well, that’s great for you. Are you back in the U.S. now or still in Spain?

The key is to be conversational and friendly, not to approach it as a survey. Most candidates will be willing to talk to you, and you might strengthen their impression of your company, which will be helpful if you ever want to try to recruit them in the future.

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I caught a coworker searching for adult photos, how to tell my boss I’m a psychopath, and more

by Alison Green on December 10, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I caught my coworker looking for nude photos

This morning I entered a meeting room and got a quick glance at my coworker’s work laptop. The web browser was on a Google page looking for nude photos of an adult film star. He quickly closed the tabs and I was the only person with a view of the laptop, so nobody else saw it. Would you report this to your boss, the employee himself, or ignore it?

To make matters more complicated, I am planning on giving notice soon, due (in small part) to this employee’s behavior. He’s the typical problem employee: argumentative, lazy, and stubborn. He lowers the morale for others, and I know at least one other person has switched teams because of his behavior. He’s also already been caught downloading illegal movie torrents to his work computer. My boss knows the general problems he’s caused in the past, and hasn’t taken action yet. So I’m not sure if it’s even worth speaking up.

What should I do? My boss and I have a good relationship so I’m not worried about retaliation. But since I was the only person who saw the content it’ll be obvious who reported it. I am the only female employee in our 10-person group, and there aren’t many women in general in my field (tech industry). I wasn’t personally upset at seeing the content, but obviously this is unacceptable behavior and I wouldn’t want any other person to feel uncomfortable if he does it again.

I could argue it either way. I mean, obviously he shouldn’t be doing this at work for reasons that don’t even need to be said. If he were a coworker who you were friendly with and generally liked, I could see just saying something directly to him (“Dude, don’t search for that stuff at work; I don’t want to see that, and it would be so embarrassing to get in trouble for that”) or ignoring it as long as it was a one-time thing and not part of a bigger pattern of inappropriate behavior. But on the other hand, this is so very much not the sort of thing a manager wants her employees doing, and especially not in an industry like tech that’s already known for having a bro culture that’s not always woman-friendly. So I think it would be reasonable to report it too if you want to.

But from a manager’s perspective? I’d want to know. I’d especially want to know in a context like this one, where the guy is already a problem for other reasons.

If you do decide to tell your boss, it doesn’t have to be a big formal thing; you can just say, “Hey, I walked into a meeting room the other day and couldn’t help seeing that Fergus was in the middle of searching for nude photos of an adult film star. I felt like I should pass it along to you.”

2. Using titles with gender-ambiguous names

Should people with gender-ambiguous names provide a courtesy title (Ms. or Mr.) in their resume or cover letter? I was taught to put a title in parentheses before such a name, on the grounds that knowing the proper form of address might make the recipient more comfortable contacting the applicant. I wonder if I should stop giving this advice to my students (I’m a professor), given that (1) addressing people by their first name is increasingly common, (2) most of my students are women applying for computer science jobs, and (3) gender shouldn’t matter in job searches. What do you think?

It’s really up to the job candidate and whatever they’re most comfortable with. If they’re going to be annoyed if an employer guesses wrongly, then they should sign their cover letter “(Ms.) Jordan Montblanc” or “(Mr.) Sasha Mulberry.” If they don’t particularly care, they can skip that; it’s unlikely that an employer isn’t going to contact them just because they’re unsure about whether to address them with Mr. or Ms. (And as you note, it’s increasingly common for people to address each other by first names, even in hiring.)

But I’d put it in the cover letter signature, not on the resume; Mr. and Ms. don’t really belong on resumes. It’s not a huge issue if someone uses one there anyway, especially if it’s clearly to denote gender, but I wouldn’t counsel people to do it.

3. How do I tell my boss that I’m a psychopath?

Recently I’ve gotten a new manager, and with that, the bar at my job has been raised. The problem is that I work with the general public, mainly over email, and I have a lot of trouble relating to the emotions of our customers owing to my psychopathy, and with that my performance is suffering.

How do I tell my boss that I’m a full blown emotionless psychopath? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good person, I have a moral code but I have no sense of empathy and I don’t feel emotions the same way others do. When I broach this subject, people get scared (thank you, movies). I’ve been here a long time and she wants me as a senior member of the team, but I don’t have the emotional spectrum to do that. How do I explain to her that I need to be in the junior positions, I need to move on to find another job (in or out of the company), and she is asking something of me that I cannot provide? How do I get it across to her that I am a functional and moral psychopath with an extremely low emotional intelligence and I’ll never be what she wants me to be?

Well, don’t use the word “psychopath.” I’m not sure you actually are a psychopath (there’s more to the definition than not having empathy), but even if you meet it to a T, describing yourself that way is going to scare the shit out of people.

Instead, what about framing it as EQ? You could say something like this: “I’ve found that I’m best at X and Y, and not at A and B. The direction you’d like me to move in requires fairly high EQ, and I know myself well enough to know that it’s not a strength. I’d like to stay in roles like X or Y, even though I know that will limit my ability to move up. Would you be willing to talk about moving me to a role focused more on X?”

4. Who keeps the resume I bring to an interview?

When we take our resume to an interview, do they keep our resume or do we keep it?

If your interviewer asks for a copy of it, they keep it. Of course, your interviewer may have her own copy of your resume and not need your copy at all. But if you do hand it over, then assume that they’re keeping it. It would be a little odd for them to hand it back to you afterwards.

5. When you didn’t meet all your goals for the year

Do you have any advice for how to handle the annual review when we did not meet all our goals for the year?

My goals were all long-term projects to benefit the company structure and operations effectiveness that required a lot of time outside of my day-to-day responsibilities and immediate requests for my time. I had no idea how to schedule those projects across the year to account for time dedicated only to them (new goal for 2016). Of my six goals, I completed three, almost completed one, halfway completed another, and got barely started on the last one. I still accomplished an awful lot, which I hope I presented well in my self assessment based on your advice, but how should I discuss the goals I did not achieve this year?

Well, if I were your manager, I’d want to know your assessment of why you didn’t meet them. Was it because we explicitly agreed that we’d push some of them back in favor of other priorities? Or did workload simply get in the way, and if so, did you warn me previously that that was happening or is this the first I’m hearing of it? (If the latter, that’s a problem — although I’d also have dropped the ball by not checking in on those goals until now.) Was it a stretch goal that we always knew was going to be tough, or is it a core duty that’s fundamental to success in the job? All of those factors matter, and you can help things by addressing those questions proactively ahead of time — laying out “here’s what happened with this and why.”

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my coworker stopped talking to me after I asked her not to smoke near our door

by Alison Green on December 9, 2015

A reader writes:

A few weeks ago, I poked my head out the door looking for a coworker who happens to be a smoker. There was a trio standing right beside the door and it was the first crappy day of winter. Walking up, I had seen an arm raise and lower, classic smoking motion, so I said to them, “Please don’t smoke right by the door.”. One of the three was the one I was looking for, so we came into the building and dealt with what had instigated the search.

Two of the coworkers took my comment in stride, with nothing changing our working professionalism. However, since then, the third has stopped speaking to me. They won’t even respond to a “good morning.” I went to them to discuss the matter, as I felt the tension. They sent me away, saying it wasn’t a good time, but to let them know if it was important. This was at the end of the week.

I tried again the following week and was told I had been rude as they hadn’t been smoking. I tried to apologize, stating that “I’m sorry if I was rude, but not for what I said,” fully intending to disclose some bad history with secondhand smoke. Before I was even finished, they had closed off, turning away from me while I was talking to them. The dismissal had me walking away, but hindsight has me thinking I should have said something more then.

I’ve discussed the situation with a few friends, both genders, both smokers and non-smokers. No one else believes I was out of line to say what I did, and many think the coworker in question was irritated at being caught and unable to take responsibility for their actions.

Since then, managers have sent out email reminders regarding the rules of smoking at the workplace. As I habitually say good morning to everyone in the workplace, I have begun to address the coworker by name, compelling them to acknowledge my morning salutation. Whenever I think of how to proceed with a second apology, I’m troubled with their childish behavior. This is the only instance we’ve been at odds with each other.

I’m not sure if I should try to apologize again, or just give them time. Do you have any recommendations on how to proceed?

I’d stop apologizing. You didn’t really do anything to warrant an apology, although it was kind of you to try to smooth it over anyway.

At this point, though, your coworker is being far ruder than anyone could possibly accuse you of having been, and overreacting in such a bizarre way that it makes me wonder if there’s something else going on that you don’t realize. Mistakenly thinking that someone is smoking when they are not just isn’t a huge offense — reasonable people wouldn’t react to it at all, and they definitely wouldn’t turn it into an ongoing grudge. That’s especially true at work, where you’re expected to be civil with coworkers even if they’ve annoyed you.

So, as for what to do now: Let it drop. Don’t apologize again. Be okay with the fact that she’s not returning your “good morning”; that’s about her, not you. Continue to treat her pleasantly and professionally, as you would any other coworker. However, if her behavior starts to intefere with your ability to do your job, raise that element of it when it happens. And if that happens, start with the coworker herself: “Jane, I need to get answers from you about X today. I won’t be able to meet this deadline otherwise. When can we talk?” And if that doesn’t solve it, then you’d talk to your or her boss about what’s going on.

But until and unless it reaches that point, continue being your own pleasant self and let her marinate in whatever odd, irrational stew she’s in.

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update: my coworkers are passing around a list of reasons they hate working with me

by Alison Green on December 9, 2015

Remember the letter-writer whose coworkers were passing around a list of reasons they didn’t like working with her? Here’s the update.

So I confided in a few coworkers (with whom I was on good terms) and discovered that the childish coworker treated a handful of other women from our department the same way.

We all came to realization that he was sexist and insecure. Also, people actually complained about his actions – though none complained as loudly as I – thus his need for creating the burn list. We think he needed something to cover his behind. Also, I found out only a small few were actually contributors to the list, contrary to what childish coworker mentioned. Definitely felt better knowing that a large majority declined to contribute. In hindsight, I took his actions personally when I really shouldn’t have. He apparently does this, on varying levels, to other people. It’s his “thing.”

I took the high road and provided a blanket apology. We had to have a HR step in because despite my attempts to turn the other cheek and work as expected, he would not. Lo and behold, he was a ray of sunshine to chat with during the HR-mandated mediation. So I thought all was clear. But after that, he STILL held a bit of resentment. So I sucked it up and sucked up to him. When he wanted to feel important, I let him. I bit my tongue around him. I stood up for him (when I shouldn’t have). I even bought the man a Christmas gift.

Working with him was exhausting. So after a year, I resigned. I’m better off now, in a professional environment where my executives have a strict NO ASSHOLES rule. They really put an effort into hiring the right fit, we’re like a little family here. I’ve been happy since day one and from my interactions and reviews, my coworkers enjoy working with me and the feeling is mutual.

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how to get employees to take time off

by Alison Green on December 9, 2015

Last week, a letter-writer asked how to take time off when there’s always work to do. This week, a manager asks a different version of that question:

I have recently begun supervising a small team on a university administrative staff where employees are allowed to carry over a portion of their unused vacation time and can cash it out if they leave/are laid off from the job.  Many of the long-term employees on my staff simply never take time off (a problem throughout the university, apparently, as the CFO claims the institution carries a vacation liability in the tens of millions of dollars).

I can understand saving up some time in case you needed additional cash after a lay off or before starting a new job. I do this myself to some degree. What I can’t understand is carrying over 340 to 380 hours of time and literally going two or three years without a vacation (especially when there are well-established “slow” times where it is much easier on the office for people to be gone).  The people that do this normally say that they “can’t” or they have “too much to do” when I urge them to take a break. This is demonstrably false.

Normally, I would not care how other employees use (or don’t use) their vacation time. However, as the end of each fiscal year approaches, these employees usually have quite a bit of time that they must use or lose forever. As such, it leaves the rest of us in a bit of a bind while they all take their use-or-lose time off at the last minute. I am under quite a bit of pressure from senior management to not upset these long-term employees by denying their vacation requests.

I have never encountered this type of culture in any workplace. Normally, people cherish their vacation time.  Plus, I’d really like to work with folks that are not constantly burned out. What can I do?

You can read my answer to this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and often updating/expanding my answers to them).

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my employees keep going over my head to my boss … and she doesn’t direct them back to me

by Alison Green on December 9, 2015

A reader writes:

I supervise a small group of people, but my manager has all of the authority. I was told recently that the group doesn’t like me giving reminders or asking for updates (or, possibly, they don’t like *how* I do that). This isn’t the first mention of it, but apparently what I’ve tried to do differently hasn’t helped. My problem is, no one from the group directly mentions it to me; all of the feedback is from my manager. I don’t know if she directly asks them about problems/complaints or if they just start talking about it, but it seems to come up frequently. I think it’s more of my manager providing an audience, so the complaints continue. I’m thinking what I’ve tried in the past hasn’t worked because the issues are misconstrued by going through my manager first or part of it gets left out (kinda like the game of telephone — she is told A, relays it as B, which makes me think I should do C instead of D).

I’d like to ask my manager to support me more and stop providing that audience and instead ask the group if the complaints were mentioned to me — and if they weren’t, to tell them to talk to me first instead of going straight to her. This way I get to hear exactly what’s bothering them and determine what solution would work.

Is this reasonable to request? How do I go about it? The other option is directly telling the group “I’ve heard you don’t like X and Y, but I still need to know Z, so how can I get that?” (I think this will come across as confrontational, which is why it’s not my preference — but let me know if that’s actually the better solution). It seems at least some of the group like to complain anyway, so is it reasonable to ask for the complaining to be shut down unless they directly address it with me first? Or are these complaints managers should hear about frequently instead of having those involved resolve it amongst themselves? Does the answer change if the complaints come from my manager directly asking for them? How do I bring this up in either scenario?

It’s absolutely reasonable to ask your manager to direct complaints back to you so that you can hear them firsthand, ask any questions you need to ask, and try to resolve things directly with the person who’s complaining.

However, it’s also reasonable for your manager to want to have some feel for what’s going on in your team. So you don’t want to come across as if you’re trying to put up a firewall between her and your staff, or as if you’re trying to hide anything. Rather, you want your framing to be something like this: “I think it’s valuable for people to be able to talk with you if they’ve been unable to resolve something with me and if it’s important enough to escalate, but I’d like them to talk with me first so that I can attempt to address the issue. I’m concerned that it’s undermining my ability to manage them if they’re regularly going around me rather than talking with me first. Would you be willing to redirect people back to me when they come to you, by asking if they’ve spoken with me about the issue and, if they haven’t, asking them to do that as a next step?”

If your manager isn’t willing to do this, there’s a problem. The problem could be that she’s a bad manager and doesn’t understand how this is undermining your ability to manage. Or, less likely but still possible explanation, it could be that she has concerns about how you’re managing people and wants to stay closely involved for that reason — but if that were the case, she should tell you that.

You asked whether my answer would be different if your manager is actually directly soliciting this feedback from people, and the answer to that is yes. It’s a good idea for managers to do that on occasion, because (a) they should have a sense of the people who work for managers under them, and (b) it makes people more likely to come to them if there’s a problem that they do need to know about. But the way to do that isn’t by letting people circumvent their manager for anything and everything; instead, she should do it by engaging around substance (such as in work-related meetings) and by taking people’s pulse both casually (like asking “how are things going?” when she has an opportunity) and more formally (like asking people for input as she’s getting ready for your performance evaluation).

In doing those things, if your manager heard concerning feedback, in some cases she’d ideally steer the person back to you to try to resolve the issue directly. In other cases, she might talk to you about the concerns that were raised, probe into the areas of a concern in a general sense with you (“how are you ensuring people have a chance for input into this project?”), or do some first-hand observation of her own.

But it doesn’t make sense for her to put herself regularly in this role of a go-between, and that’s the part you need to address.

(The other part that you might need to address is the part where you write, “I supervise a small group of people, but my manager has all of the authority.” You can’t really manage people without having real authority; otherwise you have all of the burden and responsibility of making things happen without all of the required tools to actually do it. If you’re more like a team lead — who’s responsible for divvying up and monitoring work and sometimes giving feedback, but who is more peer than manager — then that’s one thing. But if you’re really supposed to be managing people, you can’t do it without real authority.)

Anyway, if your manager insists on continuing what she’s been doing, then your next best option is to talk directly to your employees — both about the specifics that get relayed through your boss and about how you want them handling issues more broadly. On the former, you could say something like, “Jane mentioned that you told her you were unhappy with the reminders I’ve given you on the X project. I’ve structured it that way because of Y, but I’d love to hear from you about how you think we might do it differently.” You can also say, “I’d like you to talk to me about concerns directly so that I can hear your take on the issue and figure out how to address it. Do you feel comfortable doing that in the future?” (Frankly, you might also ask, “Is anything going on that’s made you uncomfortable talking to me directly about this kind of thing?”)

Last, it’s worth noting that if your manager is hearing complaints frequently, something’s wrong. It might not be you — it might be the people who are complaining (unreasonable expectations, chronic grumblers, who knows), or it might be a case of miscommunication or misaligned expectations. But it’s a flag that something is off and needs to be addressed. So even beyond ironing out this issue of how complaints get relayed, keep in mind that in a smoothly functioning team, there aren’t going to be a ton of complaints most of the time … so if that continues, you’d want to do some real examination of what’s going on.

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what shirt colors are okay for interviews, citing benefits I don’t use when negotiating salary, and more

by Alison Green on December 9, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I really have to wear a white or baby blue shirt to interviews?

I’m an recent graduate searching for a job and this question has arisen for me more than once, although I’m not sure if it’s a valid one or if I’m just being over-sensitive to suggested job-seeking norms.

Most guidelines for professional dress I’ve seen come from university career centers, and beyond wearing a suit they specify wearing either a white or baby blue shirt. Being rather olive skinned, baby blue and white make me look like death. My standard interview outfit consists of wearing a charcoal grey skirt-suit, with black leather pumps. My personal choice of shirt color is a little brighter—a nice kelly green, for instance. Is there a rigid interview-shirt-color norm? Will wearing an brighter color make a terribly huge difference in my professional appearance?

Ignore your university career center on this one. (I should create a keyboard shortcut for that sentence since I end up writing it so often.) Wear a color that’s flattering on you; it doesn’t have to be baby blue or white (both of which are hideous on me as well).

Kelly green in particular might be a little on the bright side for conservative fields — if you’re interviewing in, say, banking — but should be fine for everywhere else, especially as long as you continue to pair it with that grey suit and black pumps, both of which are good, conservative choices. And most other colors will be fine too. Really, the only colors you must stay away from are neons (and how much business wear comes in neon anyway?).

2. Citing benefits I don’t actually use in a negotiation

I just got an offer for a new job, in a managerial role. I got a call from the person who would be my new supervisor to give me an offer. The salary was lower than I expected for a managerial position in this region. During the application process, it asked me to disclose my current salary but they did not discuss range with me. The offer was only a slight increase. And there is a big difference in work and responsibility.

I told the supervisor that I appreciated the offer and was excited about the position, but I hoped we could discuss benefits and if the salary had any flexibility. He explained he was unauthorized to negotiate salary and would need to bring back information to HR. He also said benefits are standardized and generally non-negotiable. He asked me to review their benefits package and note any major concerns via email to him and he would review it with HR.

I explained differences I saw in terms of health care and retirement that were slightly less than my current job. I then mentioned that my office covers some family expenses, including up to $4,000 towards closing costs on buying a home, up to $5,000 in reimbursement for day care, and 16 weeks paid bonding leave for parents (fathers or mothers). I do not have kids and I have plans in the near future of using any of those benefits. Was it wrong to do, in order to discuss a higher salary? Also, is it me or is it weird to get an offer and not have somebody who is unable to negotiate directly?

I wouldn’t focus on benefits that you don’t plan to take advantage of in trying to negotiate a higher salary; focus on the salary, because that’s the part you care about. Otherwise you risk them saying that those are unusual benefits that they’re not in a position to replicate and leaving the conversation there or even saying “Oh, we’re planning to introduce benefits like those soon too,” neither of those will help you. Plus, if you make the conversation about benefits when what you really want to talk about is salary, you risk them missing the point. And it’s a bit disingenuous.

Negotiate for salary based on the market rate of your work; that’s your strongest argument, and that’s more likely to be effective. (Exceptions to this are things like health care coverage or retirement contributions, which are more universally used.)

It’s not that uncommon to be talking to someone who needs to seek authorization for a higher salary offer, especially if you’re not dealing with someone particularly senior, who may not have his own budget or otherwise be authorized to go over a certain range.

3. My coworkers keep touching me and I don’t want them to

I work in a pub as a waitress, and a team leader and my assistant manager keep touching me inappropriately. For example, if I pick up some dirty glasses to take to the washer, either one of them will try to tickle me on my waist. I tend to just walk faster away from them. There’s also a lot of waist, stomach, and shoulder touching from walking past and standing near, etc. What can I do about this? I feel if I tell my manager he will just laugh.

The next time it happens, say directly and firmly, “Please do not touch me.” Don’t smile when you say this; you might be tempted to in order to soften it, but don’t because you need them to see that you’re serious. If they do it again, say, “I’ve told you not to touch me. You need to stop.” (Again, serious tone, no smile.) If it happens after that (or if you feel like skipping that second round, which is also reasonable), then you really do need to go to your manager. The wording you want is this: “Fergus and Percival keep touching my body after I’ve told them directly to stop. I do not want them touching me again. Can you ensure that they don’t?”

If your manager laughs, you’re working somewhere really, really messed up, and at that point you should escalate it over your manager’s head. But most managers — even inappropriate ones who have few boundaries themselves — will respond to a serious “you need to stop people from touching me” statement.

4. I inadvertently withdrew from a hiring process but I want back in

So I made an interviewing blunder and I’m wondering if I can recover from it or if I should just cut my losses and move on.

I applied for a position in early October and had an online interview at the end of October. While I do feel I am quite qualified for the position, my online interview went okay, not great. The interview started off with some technology issues which threw me off and my answers weren’t as polished as I would have liked.

Here is the beginning of my blunder–the day after the interview, I left for a very busy international trip, and I completely forgot to send a thank-you email and/or card. About a month went by and I did not hear back from the employer, so I sent a (very late) email saying essentially, “I apologize that this is past due, but I wanted to thank you for taking the time to interview me for X position. Due to the hectic travel schedule of my current position, I realize now is not the best time for me to be interviewing for a new position, but I hope you will keep me in mind for future opportunities.” (I had assumed at this point that I had been rejected for the job, so I was basically trying to make a graceful excuse for why I hadn’t followed up after the interview.)

After I sent this email, I received a response that said, “Thank you for letting us know. We will withdraw you from the process.” I did not want to be withdrawn from the process! Is there anyway for me to un-withdraw myself, or has that ship sailed? (And again, yes I realize I made mistakes by not following up after my interview and assuming I had been dropped rather than clarifying the situation, but those things are in the past, so I’d like to focus on whether there’s anywhere for me to go from here.)

I think this one has sailed. Your note to them definitely sounded like you were withdrawing, and I think it would be tough to write back and say “no, I’m still interested.” That’s likely to either make you look flaky (you withdrew but now you’re changing your mind) or raise questions about your communication skills (“but she clearly said she didn’t want to be considered”).

If you were really passionate about this job and convinced you were a strong fit, you could give it a shot anyway (there’s nothing to lose after all), but otherwise I’d move on.

5. I need a second job but my schedules would conflict

For the last few years, I’ve been a manager at a Fortune 500 company. The problem is this: I’ve been only part time this entire time. I need more hours, but my manager often tries to cut back my hours because my job is classified as part time, even though the job cannot be done in the part time hours allotted.

I’d like to obtain another job to get more hours, but typically most jobs are from 8-5pm and my job starts before 5pm.

Normally, I’d just ask if I could be allowed to come in later (my manager let my direct report come in later on the busiest day of the week because of school, and I had to take up the slack every time), but my managers are unhelpful and inflexible in my case. They allow their other subordinates more flexibility and respect, but with me, they create strange, difficult rules that only I must follow, let coworkers gossip about me, nearly try to shame me in front of other subordinates, force me to attend unnecessary meetings for over an hour while the rest of my job isn’t being done and my direct reports flail without my guidance, refuse to let me train on certain equipment, sometimes talk to me as if it’s my first day on the job, and so on. If I am late for their meeting, they make an issue of it, but if they are late, it is not a big deal at all. Because of this, I do not think they would be open to letting me come in any later. However, I need my current job because it pays decently, but I need more hours at another job as well, and it is extremely difficult to fit any other job around my present job. What can I do?

Rather than looking for a second part-time job, why not look for one new full-time job so that you can quit this one? Full-time jobs tend to be easier to find than part-time jobs anyway, and this one doesn’t sound worth going through contortions in order to keep it. In fact, it sounds like you should be actively searching to leave it regardless of the hours issue.

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everything you need to know about holiday gift-giving at work

by Alison Green on December 8, 2015

Confused about office holiday gift-giving expectations? Wondering about things like:

  • Are you expected to get your boss a gift for the holidays?
  • What if you’re being pressured to contribute to a group gift and you can’t afford it or don’t want to?
  • Do you have to participate in the office Secret Santa? And what’s a good gift if you do
  • Should managers get their employees gifts?
  • What if a coworker gives you a gift and you didn’t get them anything?

I’ve got answers to all your office holiday gift-giving dilemmas over at Money. You can read it here.

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