Ask a Manager

is it weird to have an essential oil diffuser in my office?

by Alison Green on January 4, 2016

A reader writes:

I recently purchased an essential oil diffuser for my house, and I love it. I would like to purchase one for my office too but am concerned it might be perceived as weird or new-agey. What do you think?

I don’t have anything else unusual in my office. If it helps, I am in a medium-sized city in the Midwest and recently noticed that my son’s kindergarten teacher was using one in the classroom.

I think it’ll come across as eccentric to some people (but not “let’s never work with her again” eccentric), neutral to others, charming to a small few, and annoying/problematic for others (more on that in a minute).

And it depends on what the scent is. If it’s, say, patchouli or anything else that proclaims “I’m fermenting tofu in the mini-fridge under my desk, and tomorrow I will be adding a beaded curtain to my office doorway,” the number of people perceiving it as eccentric will rise considerably. If it’s something like citrus, you’ll probably raise fewer eyebrows.

But totally aside from how people will perceive it, I think you probably should stay away from it. Unlike, say, a piece of artwork that you hang on your wall, scents waft and impact other people. An increasing number of people have fragrance sensitivities, and you could end up causing a coworker migraines, respiratory issues, or other physical discomfort. Or you might just annoy people who don’t enjoy the scent.

I’m all for making your work space more homey, but when you’re talking about modifying the air other people breathe, I think you’ve got to err on the side of caution.

That said, if you’re really dying to do it, you could ask around among your coworkers and see if anyone objects (as well as consider how often you have outside visitors in your space). But I’d rather see you keep it at home.

6 casually sexist things to stop saying at work

by Alison Green on January 4, 2016

Have you ever referred to a group of adult women at work as “girls”? Suggested to an employee that she soften her approach so she doesn’t come across as pushy? Reflexively asked only women to take notes at meetings? If so, you have a lot of company. Despite major advances in gender equality in the workplace, old pieces of sexism continue to linger.

Here are six common sexist remarks regularly heard at work.

(And to be clear: You’re not a bad person for saying these things. We’re all guilty of letting these kinds of terms sneak into our language. The idea is to spot them, understand their impact and try to eliminate them from your vocabulary.)

1. “You probably won’t come back to work after the baby is born.” People rarely say this to men, but women about to go on maternity leave hear it regularly. Of course, there are women who end up not returning to their jobs after their maternity leave is up, but many, many women who plan to return do so. Lumping women together is problematic, and these kinds of statements can have repercussions for women who are treated as if they’ll be taking themselves out of the workforce.

2. “Jane, can you take notes at the meeting?” It may be perfectly appropriate to ask Jane to take notes if she’s an admin or the most junior person present. But too often, women are the ones asked to take notes – or plan parties, get coffee, order lunch or do other caretaking tasks – even when men in the same role or at the same level are present. It’s also true that women often tend to volunteer themselves for these tasks while men don’t, so it’s especially important for managers to make sure that this type of work is distributed evenly and doesn’t end up exclusively performed by women.

3. “Girl” or “girls.” It’s still common to hear phrases at work, such as “the PR girl” or “the girls are all at lunch.” But you rarely hear the “the PR boy” or “the boys are in the conference room.” Referring to adult women as “girls” isn’t generally intended to be infantilizing or patronizing. But language has power, and girls are rarely taken as seriously as women. And it’s worth noting that women can be the worst offenders on this one.

If this one seems minor to you, consider that sexism doesn’t have to be open bigotry to have an impact. Some of the most damaging sexism is subtle, the sort of thing that creeps into our language and impacts how we think without us even realizing it. If you’re unconvinced, think about women who are universally recognized as having gravitas and power – say, Hillary Clinton or Angela Merkel – and ask whether you’d refer to them as “girls.” If not, then ask yourself why it’s okay to refer to other women that way.

4. “You need to soften your emails and take a gentler approach in meetings.” It’s possible that this is genuinely good feedback. But it’s been well-documented that women hear this kind of feedback far, far more frequently than men do. In fact, research shows that women are often told that they’re being abrasive, aggressive or rude when the same behaviors in men are perceived as assertiveness or strong leadership.

5. “Office Mom.” This term is often used to describe the woman in the office who remembers birthdays, notices when people aren’t feeling well, organizes potlucks and generally mothers fellow employees. These are lovely traits. But notice that you rarely hear about an “office Dad.” And the reality is that people don’t get high-profile projects, win promotions or build their professional reputations by planning office parties or remembering their coworkers’ birthdays. Recognize your coworkers for their professional achievements. Don’t put them in an “office Mom” ghetto.

6. “The pretty new marketing assistant.” Complimentary or not, assessing people’s looks at work is demeaning and takes the focus off of their professional contributions. It’s not about compliments to their appearance; it’s about having people make your looks A Thing in a professional context where you need to be taken seriously and be known for your brain, and it’s about routinely being treated as a decorative object / having your looks assessed (by this boss, by strangers on the street, by lots of people in lots of contexts). That’s very different from “compliments.”

I’m panicking that I might suck at my first professional job

by Alison Green on January 4, 2016

A reader writes:

I graduated in May and started my irsirst professional, full-time job in September. I’m a receptionist at a pet resort and, after working in retail (which I’d worked for over three years), I was really happy to work in a job that just seemed so much better.

I love the clients, I love my coworkers and, even with all of the strangeness that comes with the resort, I love my job. An employee who has been there for five years told me that, while most assume it would take me a month to learn the job, it took her six months to really get comfortable with it – and I’ve been trying to take in all that I can.

However, this past week, it feels like it’s all for naught. I’m trying as hard as I can, but everyday, it feels like I’ve screwed something up, or made someone’s life harder, or just made a general mess. My coworkers and my supervisors have been amazing, but I just feel like I’m dragging everyone down and being more of a burden than a help. Today, I called to verify a credit card I had taken earlier (I hadn’t been able to finish the invoice after I hung up with the client, as it immediately became busy) and accidentally spoiled the client’s surprise vacation for her husband and burst into tears before my supervisor. I’ve cried about a job before, but at my home or in my car – NEVER in front of my boss. I’m so humiliated and embarrassed and, while I’d talked to said supervisor earlier in the day about how I’d been feeling, this has just cemented that maybe I’m just not capable for this job.

I guess my question is, how would you approach this situation? Do you have any advice for someone who is new to the workforce and feels as if they aren’t cut out to continue? Anything you could tell me would be of huge help, I just don’t want to feel like a failure anymore.

Thanks – reading your posts was my stress relief and my go-to after a bad day at my last job.

Well, first, mistakes are normal in a new job. And they’re really normal in your first professional job after college, where not only are you learning the mechanics of the job itself, but also the sort of general “how to operate in a professional environment” stuff that will be second nature to you in a few years but right now isn’t intuitive at all.

If your manager and coworkers have worked with people just starting in the work world before, they know this. Hell, if they’ve been people just starting in the work world before (and obviously they have), they know this. It’s normal.

Now, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that there’s no possible way that you could be making more mistakes that what’s normal in this context. Maybe you are! But it’s also quite possible that you’re not, and that you’re just totally freaked out by what’s happening because your first professional job is a massive learning curve, and one that sensible people are often freaked out by. That’s especially true if you’re used to feeling competent — if you’ve always done well in school and are used to walking around feeling like a generally competent person, it’s rattling as hell to be in a situation where suddenly you feel inept. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are inept though; it might just mean that you were able to cruise through school pretty easily but now need to put in more effort to succeed in this different environment.

Can I quote myself? I’m going to be lazy and quote what I wrote in this column about mistakes smart people make:

If you’re going to advance in your career, you’re going to have to take on new challenges, and some of them will be tough. But if you’re used to being “the smart one” and things have always come easily to you, you might not have built up the skills you need for when things are hard, like persevering in the face of obstacles and working hard to master something. You might take failure at a new type of project or responsibility as a sign that you’re not cut out to do it, instead of putting the energy and time in working to get better at it. Someone who has always had to work hard at doing well and who therefore has developed more “perseverance muscle” than you will often be inclined to simply practice and practice until they eventually master the new skill.

Is that you? I don’t know, but it might be.

Anyway, to get a better handle on what’s going on, why not ask your manager how she thinks you’re doing? You might hear that she thinks you’re doing really well and isn’t at all concerned by the mistakes that are looming so large to you — that those are a normal part of the learning curve. Or, yes, you might hear that she does have concerns — but if that’s the case, it’s so much better to get that out in the open so that you can talk about how you might approach the work differently, rather than to have to wonder and worry about what she’s thinking.

It’s totally fine (and in fact, smart and good) to ask to meet with your manager to get some feedback on how things are going. Just say this: “Could we talk about how things are going overall? I’d like to get your feedback on how I’m doing.” Make sure that you come away from this conversation with an understanding not just of how your manager thinks you’re doing on specific tasks, but on how she thinks you’re doing overall — this is going to be key for you, because that’s the part where your self-assessment might be out of whack with hers. So if you’re getting task-specific feedback but not big-picture feedback, say this: “This is really helpful, thank you. Can you give me a big-picture sense of how I’m doing overall, maybe compared to where you’d expect someone to be at this stage of learning the job?”

I can’t predict what she’s going to tell you, but I do think you’ll come out of that conversation with a lot more data about how you’re doing, and that you can use that to inform your thinking … as opposed to right now, where I think you’re in a (perfectly natural but not very useful) panic free-fall. There is rarely any need for the panic free-fall, and there probably isn’t here!

slow employee listening to podcasts, interviewing with a cold, and more

by Alison Green on January 4, 2016

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Slow employee is listening to podcasts while she works

We hired someone, Beth, a few months ago. She is doing usual entry-level work and is slow, with lots of mistakes. We hired another person, John, who’s doing the same work, but much better. So I know that it’s possible to do that work better as an entry-level worker.

Beth listens to podcasts and stories during work. I think that may be the cause of all the mistakes. How do I talk about this to her? We allow listening to music, but it feels like podcasts are different.

If Beth were performing at a high level, I’d tell you to leave it alone since it’s obviously not causing problems. But in this case, she’s slow and making mistakes, and it’s reasonable to wonder if eliminating distractions might improve her work.

Have you given her feedback on her work yet? Does she realize that she’s slower than she should be and making too many mistakes? If not, that’s actually the more important issue; she’s not likely to improve if she doesn’t realize there’s a problem, and telling her that might prompt her to stop with the podcasts on her own, although you can also suggest it as part of that conversation. But if you’ve already given her that feedback, then just check back in with her and say you’d like to see if eliminating the podcasts improves her speed and accuracy.

In either case, I’d word it this way: “I’ve noticed you listen to podcasts and stories while you work, and I think it might be impacting your focus. Let’s try a couple of weeks without them and see if it helps you improve your speed and accuracy.” You could also add, “To be clear, it’s fine to listen to those things as long as it’s not impacting your work, but in this case, I think it might be. So I’d like to eliminate whatever distractions we can and see if we can get your work up to the level we need it at.”

2. Explaining why I left a job at a religious college

I am curious about how to describe my reasons for leaving a job; it was 10 years ago, but the position has a lot of relevance to the kinds of positions I’m looking for now. The position was at a private Christian college and required adherence to a statement of faith and a code of conduct. They’ve been in the news lately for their firing practices, so there’s a small chance an employer will know them. I lasted a year there and left because I got a divorce. Working there became unpleasant, petty, and solely about me explaining my (totally justified) divorce over and over, up the ladder, and to bigger committees. My director loved me, but ultimately couldn’t shield me all the way up to the president. I wasn’t fired, but I left before it got to that.

Because I was newly divorced and broke, I took several jobs at once that were low-paying and beneath my “qualifications,” and performed them well until I found a “better” position that was more in line with my degree. Employers since then have asked about reasons for leaving the college, and I never know how personal to get. My record demonstrates I didn’t leave for something better. If I say, “I violated their code of conduct and statement of faith,” it sounds like I was cooking meth in the student lounge. If I say “we had philosophical differences,” it sounds like I wanted to come in late everyday. If I say, “I got a divorce,” that is taking the conversation to a weirdly personal level that I hope doesn’t matter in the real world outside of this bizarre college. I’m remarried, have kids, and live a completely stable and happy life — I don’t even want to tell anyone I’ve been divorced. I rarely even think about it and don’t want to live in a world where my employer does. And I hate that I’m forever professionally associated with a school that I’ve come to detest and a religion I’m slowly leaving. (It’s complicated, but I don’t want an employer to think I am complicated.)

Is there a smooth way to answer this question on an first-round online application? Is there a smooth way to address it in person? Can I do it without badmouthing a former employer while also signalling that I am no longer a wacko religious person? (Don’t answer that last question.) And please reassure this ex-fundamentalist that the rest of the world isn’t as concerned about my every move.

How about: “Religion ended up playing a stronger role in their workplace than I’d anticipated it would, and I found that I prefer a more secular environment.”

Really, when interviewers ask why you left a job, they’re just looking to make sure there are no red flags (or to get a better understanding of a move that raises question, like if you left after six months). This answer will make sense to people, and it’ll also do the double duty of conveying “I am not going to bring religion into your office in ways you might be worried about.”

3. Greeting interviewers when you have a cold

What do you think is the appropriate etiquette when greeting job interviewers while you have a cold? I recently interviewed someone who opted to forego the handshake (which makes perfect sense! no one wants your germs!), but opted instead to grab the interviewers on the shoulder instead of the handshake (both in hello and goodbye). Is that a thing? It was a bit awkward, especially since the candidate did it to every staffer she encountered. I heard later some people didn’t appreciate being touched at all.

What do you think is the best approach to greeting someone when you have a cold?

Grabbing people’s shoulders is a bit weird. But it’s fine to decline a handshake and just say something like, “I’m getting over a cold so I shouldn’t shake your hand, but it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

4. Mentioning in a cover letter that I’m paying my way through college

I’m currently applying for several jobs in marketing and am wondering if it would be appropriate to include the fact that I’m putting myself through college on my cover letter. Here’s how I’d use it:

“In the past two and a half years, I’ve written more than 21 articles a week for publications including A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H… (I don’t want to include the exact publication names, but they’re very well-known). My freelance writing career began as a creative outlet during freshman year; 27 months later, it’s become successful enough to enable my financial independence and completely pay for my college education and expenses. I’ve managed to grow this “side job” while also managing several extracurricular and volunteer positions, graduating in three years, and maintaining a 3.9 GPA. These combined responsibilities have made me an expert in time-management, prioritization, and organization—strengths that would prove invaluable in the (X) role.

Furthermore, not only am I well-versed in identifying relevant topics, gauging audience interest, pitching articles, promoting content, building a brand, and, of course, writing, I’ve also learned how to communicate professionally with fellow writers, editors, influencers, marketers, PR representatives, businesspeople, and more. As your (job title), I’d use these skills to…”

Okay, you get the point. I’m conflicted because, on the one hand, I’m really proud of my accomplishment and think it says a great deal about my work ethic, drive, and capabilities. On the other, I can see how it would be a little off-putting—after all, I’m mentioning my personal finances in a professional context. What do you think?

Use it! It’s excellent. It’s not really about mentioning your personal finances; it’s about using concrete examples to demonstrate exactly the traits you’re talking about — drive, organization, etc. It’s compelling and convincing, and it’ll impress most hiring manages.

5. My coworker won’t wear a uniform when our manager isn’t around

I work at a major retail store that went through a dress code change within the last two years. We must now wear uniforms on top of our shirts. While all this is fine by me, one of my coworkers who only works the weekends refuses to wear a uniform—or rather he’ll wear a uniform while our direct manager is around and then immediately remove it when they leave.

Other managers (even the store manager) see this and don’t comment on it, but the fact he waits for our direct manager to leave before he does it implies he knows what he’s doing is unprofessional. None of the managers who care work on the weekends, and reporting to an assistant or store manager seems like it would just fix the issue for that one weekend before they forget and thing continue as they have. Thanks so much for any advice you can give.

I’d let it go. The store manager has seen it and apparently isn’t addressing it, so it’s not really a thing that falls to you to address.

update: my colleague won’t stop trash-talking herself

by Alison Green on January 2, 2016

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker kept saying she had no idea how to do her job, and who would text our letter-writer things like, “I don’t know what he’s talking about” while her boss was talking with her? Here’s the update.

I did take your advice and talk to Hank, my coworker’s boss, and let him know the things my coworker Samantha was saying and doing. He was really confused by it and surprised. But he appreciated that I told him, and agreed that he would make a concentrated effort to make sure his communications with her were clear.

Three weeks or so after that, Samantha and I were working off-site (Hank was not there; he was in another location), and I could hear her complaining to one of her peers about a certain issue. As she was walking out of the other person’s office, I heard her exclaim, “F*ck it, I have no idea, I’ll just throw crap in there and let Hank deal with it.”

So I went over to her office and asked what’s going on. She acted like nothing was wrong, so I said, “Samantha, I heard you talking, I know something is wrong.” She said she didn’t want to talk about it. And I told her that if she’s having issues, if she has questions, etc., I would appreciate if she would bring them directly to Hank, or, in his absence, me. And if I hear her saying things like “F*ck it”, etc., she can bet that I’m going to ask what’s going on because that’s my job. She then burst into tears and ran out of the office.

Because our offices have very thin walls, I figured he’d heard it, so I went to my boss’s office and gave him a rundown of what had been happening. Later that afternoon, he then went to Samantha and tried to talk to her, and got about as far as anyone else does.

Later she was very upset at me for talking to my boss, and in that conversation I told her I had also talked to Hank and Hank was making a effort to change his approach to her, and she was very upset about that as well. I explained that I have a responsibility to Hank to communicate things I know that impact him.

Anyway, nothing has really gotten better, but now that she knows I will tell Hank what she says about him, she has pretty much stop complaining to me. I don’t think she’s any happier at work though.

New Year’s free-for-all – January 1, 2016

by Alison Green on January 1, 2016

It’s the New Year’s open thread free-for-all!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything that you want to talk about — work-related, not work-related, doesn’t matter. (This thread will be open all weekend and will serve both as the Friday work open thread and the weekend free-for-all.)

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please don’t repost it here, as it may be in the to-be-answered queue :)

employees violated the spirit of office gift exchange, sales team won’t tell us their schedules, and more

by Alison Green on January 1, 2016

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Confronting employees who violated the spirit of our office gift exchange

Every year, I coordinate either a white elephant or Secret Santa gift exchange for our small company. This year, we set a price range of “around $30” for those who wanted to participate.

A few of the gifts that were given this year were clearly not worth the provided price range. One of the gifts was a used item from the employee’s home (the recipient discovered this after the event ended). Do I (and if so, how) confront the employees who didn’t play in good spirit?

Don’t. These could be employees who wanted to participate but couldn’t afford to buy something for the set price range. If that’s the case, they’re likely to be humiliated and hurt if you talk to them about it. It’s of course possible that that’s not what happened and that these were just people greedily trying to get a gift without playing by the rules, but that’s not so imperative to address that it would be worth risking the first scenario.

This kind of thing just comes with the territory with office gift exchanges. Assume the most charitable explanation and let it go.

2. Sales team won’t tell us their schedules

I work for a company with close to 5000 employees, in a smaller branch that is not at corporate headquarters. I work in a very busy customer support department handling a high volume of incoming calls.

Our sales team is supposed to take requests for new accounts and pricing questions. My frustration is that the sales team does not have to provide their schedule to customer support, except for when they go on vacation. So, we do not know what time they are going to arrive, what time they are going to lunch, when they are going to come back. We have been asked not to set a time line for customers on when they will receive a call back from members of the sales team, and so many of us end up helping customers with the sales questions when we can, if time sensitive.

Is this a normal set-up between customer support and sales? It feels very dysfunctional to me and a bad experience for our customers.

I don’t think they necessarily need to provide that level of scheduling detail to you (that would be a real pain for many people, especially if they don’t have rigid schedules like that) in order to solve the problem. Instead of pushing that as the solution, why not talk to the sales team about the problem you’re experiencing — you have no way of knowing when customers will hear back, so you end up answering sales questions yourselves — and ask for them to help you figure out a better solution to it. You might end up hearing that they want you to tell everyone they’ll hear back by the end of the day, or the next day, or that they have some other solution that will work fine. Start by raising the issue and ask for their help in solving it, and see where that gets you.

3. Leaving work off my resume that I don’t want to do again

Is it okay to leave tasks off a resume that you don’t want to do anymore in the future? I work as an administrative assistant, but I’m thinking of changing fields/jobs in the next year or so. I’m doing quite a bit of accounting tasks now, but I never ever want to do that again. An das much as I keep saying that those things really aren’t something I’m good at or like to do, when managers see accounting experience they just assume I won’t really mind – I do.

I’m thinking of just leaving those off when I apply somewhere else, but I’m not sure that’s smart. It does say something about my attention to detail and thoroughness, but I intend to stay as far away from numbers and figures as possible if and when I change jobs. In short: should I include it and mention when asked that I don’t really like those tasks or should I just skip it all together?

If that work is only a small portion of what you do in your current job, then sure, leave it off. A resume is a marketing document, after all, and there’s no point in marketing yourself for work you don’t want to be doing.

But if it’s a major part of your job, it would be pretty strange to leave it off entirely. In that case, you’re better off getting really clear in the interview about whether the job contains accounting work — and raising it again when you get an offer, to make sure the hiring manager is fully on board with keeping accounting work off of your plate.

4. Employee keeps getting loans from coworkers and won’t pay them back

I am the HR manager at a trucking company. We have over 100 drivers on the road. I have one dispatcher who has borrowed money from several drivers and never pays them back. Recently it has gotten so bad that one of the drivers refused to continue hauling the load because the dispatcher had texted him that she was unable to pay him back. At that point, to keep business flowing, the company had to repay her loan!

Now that it is affecting business and continues to happen, can we fire this employee? It is really giving our company a bad name and making my life hell, as these drivers keep calling me wanting me to do something. I have seen the text messages she sends them.

You can absolutely tell her that she’s not allowed to continue asking coworkers for money, and fire her if she doesn’t comply. Hell, you could fire her right now without that warning if you want to (no law requires warning people before firing them), but you might want to do her the courtesy of letting her know that she’s jeopardizing her job first, since she may not have understood that this was something she could ever lose her job over. You’re not obligated to do that, certainly, and it might be that her relations with colleagues are now so bad that there’s no way to justify keeping her on, but it’s an option to consider. (It also might increase the chances that she’ll actually pay people back, since it will be much harder to do that without a job.)

But in answer to your direct question of whether you can fire her: Yes, you legally can.

5. Will working for my dad cause an issue in a background check?

After I graduated from university, I took a gap year off and went to travel and take classes that I wasn’t able to commit to when I was an undergrad. I also spent a hefty amount of time doing administrative work for my dad, who is in the process of retiring and selling his business. Now that the transition for his business is settling down, I’ve been actively seeking for job opportunities.

I listed my role at my dad’s business on my resume, and I also mentioned that the role was under my dad’s supervision during the interview. I made it clear that it wasn’t an official job, as my dad paid me back by sponsoring my travel expenses and also on my class tuition. I’m just a little worried that they may not find any supporting documents or proof of my employment if they were to do a background check on me, as my dad just paid for my travel expenses as compensation for the work I did and I obviously have no pay stubs.

While I’ve made it clear how things were while working for my dad, I’m still a little paranoid that they might not hire me if they can not find enough evidence about my employment. Is this something I should worry about? Should I remind my manager about my unofficial employment at my dad’s place when she asks me to sign an agreement for background checks?

I wouldn’t worry too much about this; you’ve already made it clear what the deal was. The only thing that could be an issue if if the background checker will be calling anyone other than your dad to verify that job. Does he have a staff and an assistant or an HR department that might take those calls? If so, it’ll be crucial to make sure that they’re in the loop so they don’t just say you didn’t work there. But if your dad is the only one who might get the call, that’s likely all the verification they’ll care about. That said, it wouldn’t hurt to remind the hiring manager about the arrangement when they kick off the background check process, just to make sure it hasn’t slipped her mind.

update: I was hired to run a department — but the old boss is still there, 10 months later

by Alison Green on December 31, 2015

Remember the letter-writer who was hired to take over as a department director, but 10 months later, the old director still hadn’t left? The first update is here, and here’s the latest update.

After my letter was published last year, the situation resolved itself fairly quickly, with Old Boss finally finding another job and me being promoted as planned. I love this gig and my small team, which is great!

I’ve learned since writing that letter that I shouldn’t be afraid of initiating direct conversations because they might be awkward or uncomfortable (and it sounds silly even writing that, but I can tell from other reader questions that I’m not the only person who has struggled with that idea). The conversations we fear are rarely as dramatic or uncomfortable as we imagine they will be, and “direct” does not necessarily equal “aggressive.” Maybe that’s obvious to some, but it was a lesson I needed to learn.

In my situation, I didn’t speak up to Old Boss sooner because I didn’t want to appear pushy, but in retrospect, it would’ve been completely reasonable to initiate a discussion about the reason I was hired and our expectations/timeline. The responses to my letter (both from Alison and commenters) resulted in a little epiphany about how I should act in the workplace to accomplish what I want, and I’ve actually become much more direct and assertive in how I conduct myself – with good results. So, thanks everyone for the advice!

coworker is forwarding requests to my boss, do I have any shot at this job, and more

by Alison Green on December 31, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker is forwarding her requests to me over to my boss

I started my new job a few months ago, and everybody has been great compared to my old toxic workplace. However, there is one coworker who seems to think I can’t do my job – or maybe I’m just reading into it too much. For example, she will email me a request and then forward that same email to my boss in a new email with no additional notes to him. The only reason I know this is because he will reply to both of us on the forwarded email with his input. It’s possible she forgot to CC him the first time, but it’s happened more than once. We got along really well at the start, but now she acts coldly towards me and it’s become really frustrating and I feel petty being this paranoid about it. She has no say over my job but she does have far more seniority than I do.

Should I approach her about this or is it all in my head and I should let it go?

If she’s just forwarding her own requests to him and there’s no hidden subtext (like “I shouldn’t even be having to ask for this!” or “this is my third request!”), then it’s hard to see how this is her implying you can’t do your job. But I think you could just ask her about it, by saying something like, “I noticed you often forward these emails to Fergus. Should I cc him when I reply, or otherwise keep him in the loop?”

The acting coldly is more of a concern to me. I’d take that as a flag to examine whether there’s anything that she could be legitimately distancing herself over, including concerns about your work, professionalism, or responsiveness … but if you can’t spot anything on those fronts, I’d ignore it as much as you can and just be pleasant, professional, and responsive to her (and everyone) and let it be her own issue, since there’s not much else you can do at that point. (Although if there are opportunities to ask, “Hey, is there a different way you’d like me to do X?” it might draw out of her whatever’s going on … but it also might not.)

2. Should I really send my resume to the brother of a coworker of my mother-in-law?

I recently applied for a librarian position at a local university, which I casually mentioned to my in-laws over Christmas dinner. Yesterday, I received a text from my mother-in-law, asking me to email my resume to Jane (one of her coworkers), who will then forward my resume to Jane’s brother, Bob, who works in a department at the university completely unrelated to the library or the department for whom the librarian would be a liaison. I wrote a great resume and cover letter – shouldn’t that be enough? However, my husband, like my mother-in-law, thinks that it’s “worth a try” to send my resume off to Bob via Jane in the hopes that it might possibly be of some assistance. To me, it just feels weird and pointless. What do you think?

Also, about 7 years ago, I worked on a grant for the department the librarian would liaising for. My former boss is now the associate dean for that department. If I wanted to reach out to her, would it be appropriate, and if so, what do I say?

It’s possible that Bob has zero pull and sending your materials to him would be pointless, but it’s also possible that Bob has lots of standing with the hiring manager and a note from him saying “you should take a look at this candidate” would get you extra attention. For all we know, Bob mentors the hiring manager or plays soccer with him or used to job-share with him. Who knows, but there’s really no harm in doing it, and potentially something to gain. I’d do it.

As for your former boss who’s now the associate dean for the department you’re applying in, yes, definitely reach out to her. Attach a copy of your resume and cover letter and say, “I wanted to let you know that I applied for this opening in your department and would love to talk with you or (hiring manager) if it seems like it might be the right fit!”

3. Do I have any shot at this job?

Last summer, I got to the final round of interviews for a slightly-above-entry-level marketing job at a major university. I was ultimately rejected for that job, but after I asked the hiring manager (let’s call him John) for feedback, he replied with a very pleasant note, saying that I was a very strong candidate but that they decided to go with another applicant who had a more experience in higher ed. He encouraged me to keep an eye out for future openings.

Cut to today, months later. I received an email from John’s boss, who I also met during the interview phase. He said that John was leaving his position, and that he remembered enjoying meeting me when I interviewed over the summer. He encouraged me to apply for John’s newly open position.

While I am happy that he remembers me, I am wondering if I realistically have a shot. I was rejected for that junior role specifically because I didn’t have enough experience. I can’t say that much has happened in the intervening time to make me a stronger fit for the old role, much less this new, more senior one. I suppose I have nothing to lose by sending in my resume and cover letter, but I am kind of dreading the idea of going in for a lengthy interview process for a job I’m unlikely to get. That said, if I did get this job, it would be a colossal step forward in my career. Should I throw my hat in the ring?

If you don’t have much of a shot, you’re unlikely to get sucked into a lengthy interview process. By definition, if you’re far away from what they need, they’re going to realize that pretty quickly and not invest that kind of time.

Also, the fact that you were rejected for the more junior role because you didn’t have enough experience doesn’t actually mean that you can’t be the right fit for this role. It’s possible that you did have a reasonable amount of experience for that role but someone else just had more. It’s also possible that the senior role requires experience in different things, and that you have that. Or even that they simply liked you and are willing to see if they could make this position work.

You have nothing to lose here, other than the amount of time it will take to apply. You should do it.

4. Hiring manager from previous interview is the new manager at another position I’m applying to

I interviewed for a position a few months ago, but after several rounds of meetings and a promising outcome, the hiring process for the position stopped. The hiring manager I was meeting with had resigned, so the company was no able to go forward with a hiring more junior position when the senior position needed to be filled.

Fast forward a few months, and a new opportunity has come up for a position at another company that I am very interested in working for. After researching on LinkedIn, I see that the hiring manager at this company is the old manager who I had been meeting with at the previous company who had left!

I am wondering how to approach this situation since we’ve already met and she has interviewed me for essentially the same role, but in a competing company. Do I write to her directly or go through the normal application process? If I get called in for an interview, do I simply laugh it off as coincidence or should I let her know I was aware of the change in her employment and an excited to meet again?

Apply through the normal application process, but then send her an email letting you know that you did. I’d say something like this: “Jane, I just saw that you’re the new teapots director at Teapots Inc. — congratulations on the new role! I really enjoyed our conversations about the teapot analyst role at Tea World before you left, and I thought I should drop you a note to let you know that I’ve applied for the teapots coordinator position with Teapots Inc. (I applied through your website, but I’m also attaching my materials here in case that’s helpful). I’d love to talk with you if you think it might be the right match.”

Definitely don’t just pretend you don’t know. It’s possible that her prior conversations with you will give you a leg up, or that she can save you some time if she knows it’s not the right fit.

5. Am I supposed to reply to this thank-you note from an SVP at my company?

I am a trainer at a call center. I recently received recognition for being a high performer, and the senior vice president sent me a thank-you note, including his business card. I appreciate the note, but I don’t know whether I’m expected to do anything with the business card. Should I contact him in some way or is sending business cards just something executives do? I’ve never met him in person.

It’s pretty common for people to slip a business card into communications like that, to provide their contact information. It doesn’t mean you’re expected to contact them; it’s more “here’s my info in case you ever need it.” That said, it would be gracious for you to send him a quick email letting him know how much you appreciated his note.

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