Ask a Manager

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose company wasn’t planning well for her retirement? She was wondering what her responsibility was, and here’s the update.

First of all, I didn’t get into this in my original letter, but it is relevant, although I didn’t realize it at the time. The past six or so years, I have had a lot of not so good things happen in my personal life. I lost my mother to cancer, my husband had two different life threatening medical issues (he is doing okay now), and early in the pandemic my (adult) child passed away and I had the trauma of finding him. Because of the lockdown, we couldn’t hold a funeral or any of the normal things you do when someone passes. I had not really mentally dealt with any of this. Shortly after you published my question, my oldest son convinced me that I really needed to talk to a therapist about everything. I have been doing that and I am in a much better mental space than I have been in for a long time.

I brought up work in our talks, and my therapist helped me to realize that the only thing I really felt was going well, and that I have had some control over for the past few years is my work. Because of this, I was worrying so much about what would happen when I retire, without thinking about the fact that it really isn’t my problem, and that retiring without someone to handle my work would not be a personal failure. Armed with this knowledge, and the great advice you and the commentators gave me, I decided to lay things out with my bosses.

I managed to get them all together in one room at the same time – not an easy feat, and something like herding cats – and we had a long talk. I made it very clear that I WAS retiring next year, and they absolutely need to get someone who could replace me and manage my jobs. I gave them a very definite description of what I would (and would NOT) be willing to do part time after retirement, and what amount of time I would be willing to give them. I will do some of the “grunt” work, answer the new manager’s questions, and review completed jobs for them. I will not plan the jobs, be responsible for the jobs, or be the contact person for any client. I will work two days a week during each of the two busy seasons – a total of about 22 weeks – and will set aside one day a month in the non busy season months where I will come in and review other completed jobs. I will not work any overtime or extra days, and if it starts to turn into that, I will immediately give them two weeks notice. I told them if there was no one ready to step into my role, I would simply retire and be done.

I guess they finally believed me, because after this talk they have actually found and hired someone with some relevant experience, who started about six weeks ago, and is doing well in her training so far. They have also hired an entry level person to train to help on my jobs who is starting next month. They did ask if I would defer my retirement until the end of next year (originally I planned on retiring in the late summer) so my replacement would have a full year and have gone through all the jobs with me at least once. After I saw that they really were hiring someone, I agreed. In return, they agreed to pay me holiday pay for all company holidays, even if they didn’t fall when I was scheduled to work, and give me ten days of PTO as a part timer. (So basically an extra 18 paid days I won’t be working.) We also agreed that this part time gig was a one year deal, unless we all agree to extend it for one more year, which is the maximum amount of time I would be willing to work after retirement.

I do know some commentators thought I shouldn’t agree to work part time at all, since I don’t need to financially, and I wouldn’t if there wasn’t a capable replacement, but for me, I enjoy the idea of a “transition” year. I think it will be easier on me than just a hard stop of working after so many years.

Things have been so much better for me since I forced the issue with them. I am less stressed, I have gone on vacations and not checked emails or texts, something I never used to do. I have been letting my clients know that I will be retiring at the end of 2024, and that we will have a replacement in place. I have been documenting everything I can so that she will have something to help her when she takes over. Most importantly, I have finally allowed myself to grieve, and to process all I have been through these past few years, and I am feeling so much better mentally. I have come to understand that crappy things happen, but it doesn’t mean it’s my fault or a failure of mine. I am ready to retire and enjoy it!

Thank you and the commentators so much for your helpful advice! It was really appreciated!

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My boss collected money for flowers for me … and then kept it for herself

I talked to two of my most trustworthy coworkers. One being the person who told me she thought my supervisor was sending the flowers for my grandmother’s funeral. I expressed to them I had not received any condolences from my boss on their behalf and expressed my gratitude for their contributions when my grandmother passed.

Both asked me if I felt they should mention anything to our supervisor. I told them that was up to their own discretion. I stopped there and decided to not pursue anything with HR. I felt like it was more important to move on. At least, I was able to say thank you to my closest colleagues.

Then before our first staff meeting of the 2023 new year, our team was chatting together about our upcoming plans. I said that my husband and I were going to Florida in a few weeks to see my parents. This included visiting with my grandfather, who at 90 decided live in Florida with my parents after losing my grandmother. I had mentioned this new living situation to my supervisor and colleagues prior to this meeting.

I kid you not, my supervisor after I shared my upcoming plans asks me, “How’s your grandma doing in Florida?” (Wait. What?!? Grandma?) I quickly and rather coldly replied, “My grandmother has passed.” My supervisor got bright red and tried her best to cover her tracks by saying, “Oh yeah, I meant your grandpa. I got confused for just a moment.”

I said nothing more. I didn’t even acknowledge her clumsy attempts to correct herself. An uncomfortably long pause of weirdness loomed over the room for a while before conversation resumed. My most confidential coworker afterwards expressed to me how cringy it was to witness. My supervisor knew she had inconsiderately asked me about the well being of dead person. On top of that, she knew she was sitting on money collected to give the team’s condolences for my grandmother’s passing.

At beginning of March I received a text out of the blue from my supervisor stating in a very professional manner, “I am so sorry, I just realized I have been remiss in sending a condolence gift from our team for your grandmother.” Included was a $25 gift card to Starbucks.

I sent the following text of gratitude the team’s texting thread: “Thank you everyone for the $25 gift card to Starbucks in memory of my grandmother passing in October. I appreciate the thoughtfulness!”

My supervisor only five months down the road and after sticking her own foot in her mouth did finally produce the gift. In the end, she made good on her responsibility and promise to our team to provide a gift on their behalf. However, not before embarrassing herself in front of her team and giving me the opportunity to point out her massive tardiness.

2. My HR director won’t stop asking me to go kayaking (#3 at the link)

I never had another conversation with the director about kayaking, she ended up having a medical issue during the summer that had her out of the office more than in it. I also made it a point when I did see her not to mention any of my kayaking adventures. I figured since it wasn’t resolved this year that it will be revisited next year. My plan next summer is to let her know that I rarely plan my kayaking trips in advance and that my weekends are filled with social engagements with my friends and family. I’m sure I’ll come up with the perfect wording before then. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to share the link you posted and let her know after seeing that I have given up kayaking all together.

3. My company is pressuring us to donate huge amounts of money to a coworker

Unfortunately, things have not improved. Jane continues to abuse the bereavement policy. She is out an average of two days a week. In fact, one of Jane’s direct reports (Nancy) recently lost her father. Nancy was out for two days, but back on day three because Jane had informed her she couldn’t be gone longer than two days because Jane planned to take the rest of the week off to continue her bereavement.

Jane also sent out a company-wide email letting us know we should “work harder” to make sure we wrapped up reports early because she planned to take the month of November off to commemorate her husband’s passing.

Jane’s direct boss has expressed dismay to our team about the situation, but apparently his hands are tied as her BFF status with the CEO trumps all.

4. My coworker snooped through my personal files and found my salary (#2 at the link)

I ended up not going to my manager and instead taking it as a lesson in workplace file responsibility. The point many commenters made about people stumbling on things during a search was well-made too. I moved all of my files out of the shared drive and didn’t bring it up again with Stacy or Annie. I think I was pretty naive and oblivious to workplace norms of shared drives considering my previous manager had saved all of her personal files there too (labeled “Medical,” “Taxes,” etc.), and I had never gone through them.

Annie ended up taking medical leave due to mental health related reasons, which our office wholeheartedly supported. I just got a promotion finalized, which means a 13% salary bump on top of my 4.5% merit increase this year. My advancement is still a touchy subject with Annie, and she cried when she saw me the morning after the promotion was announced, but she did congratulate me. I have a lot of sympathy for her as we started out in the same position with the same title and salary band, and now my title is much more specialized with a significantly higher salary band as the work we now do is very different. I’m sure it’s hard for her, but I’m optimistic we can continue a positive working relationship.

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My husband doesn’t want to play my coworker’s wedding (#2 at the link)

I left it up to my husband about whether to reply to my coworker, Jane, saying he was available for her wedding. We planned to raise the prices for next wedding season regardless, so after much thought, he responded with a quote and she accepted. My husband told me to ignore all emails from her and he’d handle it himself.

I cannot even begin to tell you the sighs my husband made anytime he opened an email from her. Most of the emails to him were just chit-chat, nothing to do with wedding planning. It was getting to the point where my husband wouldn’t even respond to emails unless they had a question that he needed to answer.

For some context, most couples book a band about a year out. There’s 5-10 emails in the initial booking, but then we crack down on the bulk of the stuff we need from them 2-3 months before. So over the course of a year, we receive about 40-50 emails from one couple. Jane sent my husband 109 (yes I counted) emails between February 2023 until September 2023.

Now that brings us to a few weeks ago. My husband got a call from the father of the groom (the person financing this wedding) who said that my husband’s services were no longer needed and forfeited the deposit. My husband (not very sly at all) asked why, thinking maybe the price was the reason. Nope. Jane apparently has been cheating on her fiancé with someone at my work, and the fiancé called it off.

I saw Jane at work a few days later and she seemed fine, though even now I wonder which of our coworkers she has been a seeing on the side.

2. My office argued for 5 months about whether I could have an ergonomic chair

Your advice was great and definitely helped me! I’m happy to say that I received the chair I needed in early June, which was right after you published my story. As uneventful as this sounds, the chair is everything I could ask for, and I’m so grateful that I can come to the office and not be in pain. They put a small sign on the back asking people not to use or move it, and so far I haven’t had any issues.

I didn’t have a meeting with HR, but word got around about my “chair gate” situation, and everyone was pretty floored and also thought the whole ordeal was ridiculous.

3. My team lead spends hours venting to us — but tells our boss he’s training us (#2 at the link)

I did take your advice! I met with my supervisor and informed her what was going on with Henry. While she was somewhat shocked, she told me that he had a habit of cold calling and venting. She advised me to stop answering Henry’s cold calls, block off my calendar with my activities, and to directly email him when he had any questions. It worked wonderfully. I’m also no longer working directly with Henry since that project.

Thank you for the advice!

4. Our new CEO keeps talking about diet and exercise

Most of the feedback I received was there’s not a lot you can do and raise it when you can. So … I quit. I made sure that I brought this reason up in my exit interview.

This wasn’t the only reason I quit, but it was one of many things that made me feel like I didn’t belong in my company anymore. What I didn’t disclose in my initial email was that during the pandemic, like many of us, I gained a lot of weight (about 80 pounds). Part of that was due to the stress of my job and everything that was going on. I felt terrible enough about myself. What I decided was that I didn’t need a skinny rich man lecturing me — someone with the metabolism of a middle-aged woman with a once-skinny body destroyed by multiple pregnancies, who was stress-eating and popping SSRIs due to his dysfunctional company — about getting a trainer, eating organic, and making time for self-care.

My new job is awesome. They provide real health benefits. We have affordable health insurance that includes coverage of weight loss medication (I’m down to my pre-pandemic weight), medical care onsite, mental health services to deal with stress, a great gym with exercises classes during the day that we’re encouraged to take, a cafeteria with many healthy and unhealthy options (without judgment), and other great services. Most importantly, how much people weigh is not a priority for our CEO. He is focused on running our business. The people on my team are all shapes and sizes, and their value has nothing to do with what they weigh. I feel really good about myself right now and rather than worry if I’m too fat, I can focus on excelling at my job.

I’ve heard that the culture at my old company is still the same. Lots of weird pressure to be skinny with no concrete ways to do it except guilt and humiliation. One of my former coworkers recently saw a picture of me and jokingly said, “You’re so skinny (CEO) would be so proud!”

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

We have a lot of updates this year, so there will be a lot more posts each day than usual. Here’s the first one…

Remember the letter-writer wondering whether to cut her new business partner loose? Here’s the update.

First, I really appreciate the commenters. Lots of excellent advice there that was really useful.

Ivy did not react well when I reached out to let her know I was reassessing the situation. She de-activated her remote software and went completely radio silent. My attorney advised me to write her an email with details concerning the issues (dates, times, issues) to highlight the software deactivation, and to let her know considering this, which in our state constitutes job abandonment, I was accepting her resignation. He also stated for the record that these issues were sufficient to fire her for cause, if it came to it, but that calling it a resignation might be kinder. I cannot give her a good reference but we both saw no need to pile on.

Her response was a LOT. She blamed me for laundry list of issues, but she didn’t address the actual issues laid out in my email – failure to respond to clients at all, failure to QA/QC work to the point we could have been sued, failing to send reports to clients after agreeing to do so, and throwing the part-timer under the bus when she was to blame for a late report. The issues she laid out were things she either never raised with me or made no sense to me. I’m not going to adjudicate whether her complaints were valid – but I will say that her failure to address my stated concerns was interesting, along with her choice to raise her issues only when she was presented with my concerns.

That validated for me that while her learning curves were real, her past success with the sub-contracting work I’d given her was not a sufficient predictor for success in this role. Looking back, I also tend to think that she overstated her current technical skills to some extent, but I’m not objective and honestly that’s not the point. Leaving aside my irritation at her response, I feel bad for her. But I’m feeling that compassion for her from a distance that does not impact my clients.

She sent a letter by certified mail a few months later asking that I “confirm that [I] had fired her”. It may have been a bid to support an unemployment claim, but she didn’t work with me long enough to qualify, and frankly, since I could have fired her for cause, she was disqualified on that point as well. I responded via email detailing her resignation and attached the documentation to back this up. Haven’t heard from her since.

Untangling the many, many mistakes she left behind in ongoing reports was difficult, and the part timer was an absolute hero in helping me handle that. We cranked out several complex projects, initiated a partnership with a larger company, and started discussions on a joint venture with another company. Business then got very slow over the summer, so the part timer has taken a different full-time role to pay the bills (which I cheered her on for doing). I’m about to ramp up again, but I have some backup help ready in the wings as needed.

While my decision to bring Ivy on board was not completely based on naïve hopes it was clearly based on incomplete information. I assumed that she understood the role of business partner in the same terms I did. Never mind whether my concepts of what a business partner is supposed to do are in line with typical norms. Without knowing for certain that Ivy agreed with me, we were bound to end up with mismatched expectations and thus a ton of difficulty.

I will keep this business as sole proprietor for the foreseeable future, also. I’d love to have a full partner at some point, but I need more regular work coming in. Seeing a pattern with slow summer seasons tells me I need to bring contracting into line with filling that gap, among other things. But I’m optimistic that business will get steadier as we go.

Thanks again to you and the commentariat!