I’m in trouble for telling a former employee that my coworkers have been making fun of her

by Alison Green on November 3, 2015

A reader writes:

For the past few weeks, I have been hearing two employees playing a recording of an ex-employee singing at a funeral. The singing is not great, and they laugh hysterically about it. They do this right before a management team meeting and will play it for others so they can get in on the laugh too.

The ex-employee was a friend of mine, no longer close but we do still talk at times. I mentioned to her what the two employees were doing behind her back and let her know they were not her friends. She got upset and confronted them the next day via Facebook.

One of the employees came to me in my office and blasted me for telling her, saying that I was mean for doing that to the ex-employee. I told her that what she was doing was mean as well and I thought that the former employee had a right to know what was going on behind her back.

This employee went to my boss, saying that I could no longer be trusted. I have been with this company for nearly 10 years. I have never before disclosed conversations going on in the conference room that is directly across from my office; I typically will close my office door most of the way to block out the noise. But this was what I considered a personal attack on an ex-employee and had nothing to do with work or industry secrets.

My boss is now so angry with me that she wants to write me up or further discipline for my actions, like a possible termination. Is this something that is termination-worthy? Am I wrong to have told my friend? Am I truly untrustworthy now?

What the hell?

Your two coworkers making fun of someone’s singing — over and over for weeks, playing an actual recording of it, and of someone singing at a funeral, on top of everything else — are pretty huge jerks. They’re the ones who are at fault here, not you.

I do wish that you had said something to them directly (like, “This is really unkind; please stop”) rather than reporting it to the former employee, since getting her involved was likely to cause more drama … but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re the ones doing something wrong here, not you.

Your boss’s reaction is inexplicable. It would have been reasonable for her to have said to you, “You know, you were right that Jane and Lucinda were being unkind and needed to stop, but the way you handled it made it into a much bigger drama than it needed to be. In the future, please talk to people directly if you’re concerned about their behavior, or come to me if you can’t resolve it that way, but don’t talk to former employees about what’s going on at work.” But it’s utterly unreasonable for her to be angry with you, let alone to threaten to discipline you or fire you over this.

I’m wondering if there’s something else going on here — other tensions with these employees or your boss that could explain her coming down so hard on you for this? And is she not taking issue at all with your two coworkers’ behavior? Something here doesn’t smell right, and it’s probably your boss, but I wonder if there’s some broader context that would make more sense of what’s otherwise a completely ridiculous managerial response.

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how to deal with an unresponsive coworker

by Alison Green on November 3, 2015

Ever worked with someone who rarely responded to requests for input or approval, even when you needed a response in order to move your own work forward? Working with unresponsive colleagues can be incredibly frustrating and can stymy your own productivity if you don’t find a way to work around them.

But all is not lost! Here are five ways to deal with unresponsive colleagues and get what you need.

1. Make it easy for the person to give you a quick answer. Some people put off responding to requests because it looks time-consuming and they figure they’ll do it later (and then often just never come back to it). You can sometimes head this off by making it really easy for them to give you a quick response. For example, try to ask yes/no questions, so the person can respond quickly. (One thing that will help with that is giving a quick proposal and “does that sounds okay to you?” rather than an open-ended “what should we do about X?”) And keep emails short so the person doesn’t have to wade through dense paragraphs.

2. Schedule time on their calendar. Send a meeting request for 15 minutes, or work with the person’s assistant (if they have one) to get a short block of time on their calendar. Then you can ask for what you need while you’re sitting right in front of the person.

3. Propose a course of action you’ll take if you don’t hear back. This won’t work in all situations, but often it’s fine to say “If I don’t hear back from you by Monday, I’ll plan to propose X to the client so that we stay on schedule” (or send the file to the printer, or book the tickets, or whatever makes sense in context). The key to doing this is that you have to give a reasonable amount of time for the person to respond; “if I don’t hear back within an hour” isn’t reasonable unless it’s a true emergency. You usually need to give at least a few days when using this tactic so that the person truly does have time to say, “Wait, don’t do that.” (And of course, make sure your statement isn’t buried in a long email they might not even read.)

4. Try a different method of communication. Sometimes I talk to people who complain that a coworker never responds to their emails, but when I ask if they’ve tried calling or talking in person, the answer is no. While yes, people should respond to their emails, if you need an answer from someone who doesn’t, it’s time to try another methods of communication. Pick up the phone, and see if that solves it.

5. Ask the person directly how you should handle it.If you chronically have trouble getting responses from someone, ask for their help! Say something like, “I’ve noticed that I often don’t hear back from you about requests I send in email – is there something you’d like me to do differently when I have things I need from you?” At a minimum, this will call the person’s attention to the problem, but you might also get insight that you can use – such as that their inbox is overflowing and you should stop by in person for anything important, or that you can flag action items in the subject line, or they’re able to field emails more quickly in the mornings, or who knows what else. Raise the issue (politely) and ask!

I originally published this at Intuit QuickBase’s blog.

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is it unprofessional not to wear a bra to work?

by Alison Green on November 3, 2015

A reader writes:

I have a disability that makes me highly sensitive to touch, and I find that wearing a bra is extremely uncomfortable. (I don’t know my cup size, but I’d estimate that I’m pretty much average-sized.)

I was told by a career advisor that not wearing a bra looks extremely unprofessional regardless of field, and I’m unlikely to get a job unless I can figure out some way to tolerate wearing a bra. I’m a psychology major in university, and would like a job in that field once I graduate.

I might be able to tough it out and wear a bra to a job interview, although it’ll make the interview a lot harder. But there is no way I could handle wearing a bra from 9-5 every weekday. Is this really such a show-stopper?

I would like to point out that I never wear low-cut or revealing clothing. Apart from not wearing a bra, my dress style is quite modest.

Not wearing a bra only comes across as unprofessional if people can tell that you’re not wearing a bra. If people can pretty easily tell, then yeah, in most lines of work, it’s going to be seen as unprofessional.

We can debate whether it’s right that standards of professional attire require women to mitigate the impact of having breasts, but the fact remains that that’s the standard, and it’s unlikely to change anytime soon. For better or for worse, our society expects certain body parts to be kept behind the scenes, particularly in professional settings. And that’s not just for women; men aren’t supposed to wear, say, very thin pants that visibly outline their contents to the office either.

Anyway, some women can look professional without wearing a bra (because their body type and clothing choices mean that no one can telling they’re not wearing one). Others would have a much harder time.

Can you try wearing a camisole or tank top under a not-flimsy shirt and see if that minimizes the normal tell-tale signs of braless-ness? You could also try other types of layering, a blazer or cardigan, and/or scarfs. If you’re not super busty, I bet you’ll be able to find a formula that works for you reasonably well.

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birthday cards at work, calling hiring managers before applying for a job, and more

by Alison Green on November 3, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Birthday cards at work

I work in a small nonprofit/event management practice of about 12 people. Whenever a staff member’s birthday comes up, it is my job to order their favorite dessert, pick out a birthday card for the entire staff to sign, and choose a time for the staff to “celebrate” in the conference room as we eat cake, cookies, etc. together.

While no one objects to the practice of eating sweets and hanging out, the office is clearly divided on the birthday card. Half of our employees hate signing and receiving cards. The other half still wants to do it. For the time being, I have made a mental note of those people who don’t wish to participate and do not approach them about signing a card and do not get them a card. Personally, I am all for doing away with the whole birthday card thing because it seems kind of silly and not all that meaningful. My immediate boss is on the pro birthday card team which is why I can’t really discontinue this process. I would love to find out if you have any thoughts or recommendations on how I can better handle this issue.

Eh, some offices like it and some offices don’t. Coordinating it for the half of the office that does want to participate and not forcing it on the half that doesn’t seems like the right compromise, so it sounds like you’ve ended up in a sensible compromise. I don’t think there’s anything you should be doing differently.

If your office was forcing birthday celebrations on people who didn’t want them or pressuring people to spend their own money on cards and gifts, that would be different. But circulating a card to half a dozen people six times a year and putting some company-purchased food in the break room for people to share seems pretty inoffensive.

2. Calling hiring managers before applying for a job

I am applying for jobs. Most often, there is a contact number and email to call the hiring manager to discuss the role. Until now, I have had great discussions regarding the jobs when I call. Recently, I called and emailed two different hiring managers (they are not in HR, but would be my direct line manager) several times over the past week, and they have not replied or contacted me. I think this is really rude, and am not sure if I want to apply for the roles anymore. To me, it sounds very disorganized and maybe they already have someone in mind for the role. What are your thoughts? Also, say if I end up applying and getting an interview/offered the job, how can I address this issue?

Wait, you’re saying that normally you call hiring managers and discuss the job before you’ve even applied, and they’re fine with that? I’m guessing you’re not in the U.S. or you’re in a very niche industry, because it normally doesn’t work like that. Normally hiring managers want to you to apply first so that they can decide whether they’re interested in spending time talking with you — although as you become increasingly senior, that lessens a bit; at more senior levels, hiring managers are often more willing to talk to people before they’ve applied, although even then, it’s still pretty common for them to choose not to.

All of which means: Don’t be put off by the ones who didn’t get back to you, because it’s incredibly normal in most contexts, and definitely don’t raise it later in the process as a problem you want to address. And definitely don’t try contact them more than once (and frankly, probably not at all if you’re in the U.S., unless you’re in some rare field where this is a thing that’s done).

3. Suggesting that a reference checker contact HR instead of my current manager

Instead of saying “no” to a prospective employer asking to contact your current “supervisor,” what about recommending that they contact the Human Resource department instead? Is this a good alternative?

Not really. Good reference checkers want to talk to the people who managed you, because managers can speak to the quality of your work in a way that HR can’t. HR can really just speak to basic facts, like your title and dates of employment. Plus, if you’re trying to prevent an employer from talking to your current manager, directing them to HR instead doesn’t guarantee they won’t make their way to your manager eventually. If you don’t want them talking to your current manager — and that’s a very reasonable thing to say, since it can jeopardize your current job — just say no, and explain that your current employer doesn’t know that you’re looking.

4. Coworker makes racist and violent comments about our callers

I have been at my current position for just about two years. I have a coworker who is responsible for answering incoming calls and answering questions. After these calls, she normally groans loudly and complains about whoever she just spoke with, with complaints varying from disparaging remarks about their supposed ethnicity to “being a bitch” to apparent lack of intelligence based on their questions.

However, occasionally she makes violent remarks like, “I just want to hurt them.” Today, she said, “I wish I could shoot him in the head.” She has also mentioned things like “I want to stab him between the ribs,” “stab her in the throat,” “punch him in the throat,” and various other violent fantasies.

My cubicle is right next to hers, and she says all of this loudly enough for anyone and everyone to hear. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Frankly, I don’t want to confront her directly since those comments would then be turned toward me. What should I do?

Talk to your manager, immediately. Tell her that when your coworker gets off of calls, she regularly makes offensive racist comments about the person she was talking to, insults them in rude and vulgar ways, and talks about violence. Tell your manager that you’re uncomfortable with these remarks and want them to stop, but that your coworker’s violent language makes you unwilling to ask her directly to stop. Ask your manager to intervene.

Any halfway decent manager will take care of this immediately. If she doesn’t, you should go to HR and have the same conversation with them.

5. Applying for a job with an organization that does similar work to the nonprofit I started

I have a conundrum. I have been a director of finance for two different social service agencies over the past 12 years. I have also started a nonprofit devoted to hunger issues (not related to the agency I work for now.) I am the volunteer executive director.

I am not happy in my current paid role and have been looking around. Lo and behold, an associate executive director position has been posted for the food bank in my town. I want to apply. Will it do more harm than good to mention the nonprofit I volunteer for? On the positive side, it is aligned with the mission of the food bank and shows I have a passion for their mission. On the negative side, it could/would be perceived as a conflict of interest. I would most certainly not continue the volunteer executive gig should I get the job (unless I can somehow combine the two).

It should be fine to mention it as long as you’re really, really clear that you’d end that work were they to hire you, because yes, they’d almost certainly perceive it as a conflict of interest.

You’d also want to be prepared to answer questions about why you thought it best to start a new organization rather working with existing organizations doing the same work. (This can be a source of frustration for nonprofits, since new organizations doing the same work often end up duplicating efforts, dividing funding, and spreading the overall pool of resources too thinly, and it can sometimes seem motivated more by “I want to be in charge” than “I want to advance X mission.” I’m not saying that’s the case with you — I obviously have no idea — but you’d want to be prepared to talk about that subject.)

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a hiring manager isn’t what you think, and other vocabulary lessons

by Alison Green on November 2, 2015

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about this and I see these words confused all the time, so let’s straighten out some vocabulary issues.

1. Fired vs. laid off vs. terminated

Fired: If someone is fired, they are being let go for a reason related to their work or their conduct (i.e., their job isn’t simply being eliminated as with a layoff).

Laid off: If someone is laid off, they’re being let go for reasons other than performance — the company was restructuring or having financial problems and eliminated the job. (In other words, it’s about the job itself, not the person. At least officially.)  So don’t go around telling people that you were fired if you were actually laid off, and vice versa.

Terminated: Covers all possible scenarios. But don’t say it — it sounds ridiculous.

2. Recruiter vs. hiring manager vs. HR

Internal recruiter: This is an employee of the company who focuses on filling jobs there.

External recruiter: This is someone outside the company who has multiple clients that they fill jobs for.

Hiring manager: This is not a manager of hiring. This is the person who will be your boss if you’re hired for the job. They manage a team or department or entire organization. For instance, if you’re applying for a job as a communications assistant, the communications manager is probably the hiring manager.

HR:  HR handles benefits, compensation, ensuring compliance with labor laws, and so forth. They often do initial interview screens and facilitate the hiring process, while hiring managers do (or should do) the substantive interviews and make the hiring decision. HR often does reference checks, although good hiring managers will insist on doing their own.

3. Hostile workplace

In a legal sense, a “hostile workplace” isn’t at all what it sounds like: It’s not about your boss or your coworkers creating a hostile environment for you by being jerks. The term refers to conduct that’s based on race, religion, sex (including pregnancy), national origin, age (40 or older), disability, or genetic information.

In the U.S., for a workplace to violate hostile workplace laws, the EEOC says that the hostile conduct — in addition to being based on the categories above  — “must be severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive … Petty slights, annoyances, and isolated incidents (unless extremely serious) will not rise to the level of illegality.”

In other words, if your boss or your coworkers are intolerable jerks but it’s not based on your race, religion, sex, or other protected characteristic, that’s not illegal. Unwise and unkind, but not illegal.

4. Wrongful termination

People often think “wrongful termination” means that you were fired for wrong or unfair reasons. But legally speaking, wrongful termination means that you were fired for an illegal reason — such as because of your race or religion or for another reason forbidden by law (like taking legally protected FMLA leave or in retaliation for other legally protected activity).

5. Protected class

I sometimes hear people say something like, “So-and-so is in a protected class” or “we’re worried about firing him because he’s in a protected class.” But everyone is in a protected class. The law doesn’t just protect people of Race X or Gender Y; it bans discrimination based on race and gender, period (as well as religion, national origin, and the other classes I listed in #3). So both men and women are equally protected from discrimination based on gender, and all races are protected from race-based discrimination, not just some races, and so forth. The only exception to this is age, where age discrimination laws only apply to people 40 and up.

6. At-will vs. right to work

Unless you have an employment contract, in the U.S. you’re considered an at-will employee (except for in Montana). That means that your employer can fire you at any time, without warning, without having to establish just cause (as long as the reason doesn’t violate discrimination laws, or laws against retaliation for reporting discrimination or harassment), and that you can quit at any time without notice.

People often use “right to work” when they really mean “at-will.” “Right to work” refers to state laws saying that employees can’t be compelled to join a union or pay union dues as a condition of employment.

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the 4 hardest conversations you’ll have in your career

by Alison Green on November 2, 2015

One of the most stressful parts of work life is figuring out how to say something tough, unpleasant, or awkward to a colleague. Most of us aren’t fond of difficult conversations in any setting, but doing it at work can be doubly challenging, because we fear for our professional reputations and relationships.

Here are four of the most difficult conversations you may need to have in your career and the secrets to making them go smoothly.

1. “I’m quitting.” This one might sound easy, and many people fantasize about the day they walk out of a bad job or a poorly managed workplace. But when it comes down to actually doing it, those same people often find it surprisingly hard to let their boss know that they’re leaving. People often feel regret about leaving something familiar, even when they weren’t that happy there, and it can be tougher than expected to say the words “I’m quitting.” That’s especially true when you did like the job and your manager and are moving on for reasons that have little to do with them.

How to approach it: The key to resigning gracefully is to keep it short and direct. For example: “I’ve really appreciated my time here, but I’ve made the difficult decision to move on, and I my last day will be November 17.” And know that it’s normal to feel some regret; bringing any period of your life to a close can be bittersweet.

2. “I’m firing you.” Ask any manager and you’ll hear that firing an employee is one of the hardest things they ever have to do. Even when the employee has been given every chance to succeed, it’s natural to feel terrible about taking someone’s job away. However, taking action when someone isn’t working out is one of a manager’s most basic and crucial responsibilities and can’t be shirked – even though far too frequently, managers err on the side of not letting people go when they should, often because they want to avoid the tough conversations it will entail.

How to approach it: In most cases, a firing should be the final installment of an ongoing conversation. The employee shouldn’t be blindsided, because you’ve already told the person about the problems and what needs to change, warned her if her progress isn’t what it needs to be, and explicitly said that her job will be in jeopardy if you don’t see specific changes. If you handle it that way, then when the actual firing conversation happens, it’s an expected next step, not a surprise. It’s still going to be hard – but it’s far better than firing a shocked employee who didn’t see it coming and had no idea that your concerns were serious ones.

3. “Stop harassing me.” You’ll be lucky if you go your whole career without encountering sexual harassment, racist remarks, or other inappropriate behavior from a coworker. Federal law requires employers to address sexual harassment or behavior that creates a hostile workplace based on race, religion, sex, national origin, age (if you’re over 40), or disability, so you’re very much entitled to tell offenders to knock it off – and to report them to your company if they don’t. But knowing that the law is on your side doesn’t necessarily make it easy to speak up.

How to approach it: First, know that if you’re not comfortable saying something directly, you can go straight to your company’s HR department, which will have a legal obligation to address the situation. However, if you’re willing to say something to the offender on your own, that can be a more efficient and direct method of getting the behavior to stop. (And when you go to HR, they may encourage you to do that if you haven’t already.) The key is to clearly state that the behavior is unwelcome and that you want it to stop. For example: “Please stop asking me out. I’ve told that I’m not interested and I need you to stop asking.”  Or, “I don’t want to hear that kind of comment. Please don’t say those things around me.”

4. “I made a big mistake.” Everyone makes mistakes at work, but if the mess-up is large enough, your job or reputation might be on the line. Coming clean can feel like putting your career at risk, but you’ll look far worse if you don’t say anything and it comes out later. It’s much worse professionally to be someone who makes mistakes and doesn’t own up to it.

How to approach it: Be as straightforward as possible, as soon as possible. Make it clear that you understand the import and seriousness of the mistake, and that you’re mortified that it happened. Explain briefly and without defensiveness where you went wrong and what steps you’re taking to avoid it ever happening again. You might find that this approach makes your manager much less worried than she’d be if you didn’t approach it this way. Or yes, it’s possible that you’ll have a lot of work to do to regain your boss’s trust, or even – in the worst case scenario –  that she has real doubts about your fit for the role. But as tough as that would be, it’s better to talk about that explicitly than to have it happening below the surface without talking openly about it.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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I’m in trouble for being too tired to work the day after Halloween

by Alison Green on November 2, 2015

A reader writes:

I wanted to get advice on a circumstance that happened this weekend. Unfortunately, I might be getting written up for needing to leave work early on Sunday, the day after Halloween. I should first mention I’ve never been late, have perfect attendance, excel in sales, and deliver excellent customer service. Sunday morning, I was unable to finish my work shift because of the night before ended horribly.

On Saturday night, a group of friends and I celebrated Halloween by going out and grabbing drinks. Unfortunately, a friend of mine accidentally took my purse, because he thought it was another person’s in our friend group. I didn’t realize he had my purse until the morning. So, I actually ended up staying up all night trying to get into my apartment and didn’t get any sleep. I was fine for the first couple of hours, but the fatigue hit me like a wall around 1 p.m. The assistant manager understood my predicament and even joked around with me about the details. However, around the time I started to really show signs of serious fatigue, the assistant manager mentioned that not only are the manager and boss “disappointed,” but I will most likely be written up if I am sent home early.

I could understand, if for some reason I was really hungover, drank myself silly, and wasn’t able to function at work for those reasons. However, the reason why I decided to go home is because I care about the face of our company and I know that I am not ideally fit for work due to fatigue.

Ultimately, I am really disappointed that they are having a hard time understanding that I mean well for the company. If anything, we have made sales goal every month since I’ve been hired, because I do care about my job and excelling. Also, don’t people mess up? Doesn’t life just sometimes happen? I don’t feel as if my manager will see it from a compassionate viewpoint. This is the first time anything like this has happened before. However, the assistant manager did mention to me that on Halloween the manager was upset that I didn’t show up to work with my costume on (because I needed help putting on the toga). Also, sometimes I have a tendency to show up to work right on time but a little flighty, so I make myself useful by not directly dealing with the public for a few minutes. In my eyes, the issue is showing up to work prepared.

On Tuesday, my manager and I are going to have a long discussion about the events that happened Sunday and it will more than likely end up with a write-up. What would you do in this situation? Do you think I have a right to take a “sick” day off when I haven’t all this time?

My bet is that she thinks you were out drinking and came to work either hungover and/or exhausted from a night out.

If that were the case, it would be reasonable for her to take issue with that and to expect that you’d manage your Saturday night however was necessary to ensure that you’d be able to work the following day, and for her to be concerned that you didn’t.

But assuming that that’s not the case — that it was really just about not being able to get into your apartment all night and thus not sleeping — then yes, that falls in the category of “sometimes life happens.” As long as you’re normally reliable, there shouldn’t be an issue here.

However, I do wonder what you mean when you wrote that you have a tendency to show up for work on time but not ready to deal with customers. As your manager, that would concern me — and if I were already concerned about that, a post-Halloween “I’m too tired to work” incident might look like it fit into a pattern that was already worrying me.

Here’s what I’d do if I were you: When you meet with your manager tomorrow, say something like, “I know that being exhausted the day after Halloween looks like I just went out too late the night before. But that’s not what happened. I wasn’t able to get into my apartment and I spent the whole night dealing with that. It’s not something that will happen again.” If your manager continues to seem concerned, say this: “To me, my track record seems like it’s been very reliable. Is there something beyond Sunday that’s making you concerned about my reliability?”

If your manager still wants to “write you up” (a silly concept that needs to be banished, but that’s a different post), at that point there isn’t a lot you can do about it. But you’d be right to be annoyed that the first time you needed a sick day, you were penalized for it … unless she does tell you that it’s tied to a concern about your pattern of not-quite-prepared mornings. If it’s really about the mornings, then she should address that as the actual issue and leave Sunday out of it, but it might be that you were going to take the hit over the mornings eventually anyway, and it just got a little jumbled up.

Either way, I’d say to work on figuring out how to be more “on” when you arrive in the mornings. You don’t want that sullying what sounds like otherwise excellent work.

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I got someone else’s performance review, interviewer asked for a doctor’s note, and more

by Alison Green on November 2, 2015

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can a prospective employer ask for a doctor’s note when I don’t even work there yet?

I was scheduled for an interview last Friday and missed it due to a miscarriage, which I ended up going to the hospital for. I later in the evening sent an apology email and explained it was due to a minor surgical emergency. Today I received an email to reschedule the interview, but the manager is requesting that I bring the hospital discharge papers for the new interview. I refuse to have them see why was the reason I missed. Is this legal? Can they ask me to bring that when I’m not even hired?

They’re on really shaky legal ground if they ask you to bring paperwork that explains the nature of your medical care, because if they don’t hire you, it could look like they were discriminating against you for disability or pregnancy, both of which are illegal. So it’s a really, really unwise move for them from that standpoint, although not inherently illegal. It’s also just an incredibly adversarial way to treat a job candidate; they should either reschedule the interview or choose not to, but saying “prove to us with personal medical paperwork that you weren’t lying” is a terrible foot to start off on.

If you want to pursue the job anyway, I’d ask the hospital to give you a note saying that you were there on Friday but not saying why (which is typically how doctor’s notes are handled anyway). But I’d also think seriously about what this employer is telling you about themselves.

2. My manager copied and pasted someone else’s performance review into mine

My manager recently send us a copy of our performance review to look over in advance before we meet in person to discuss it. I noticed that he listed accomplishments that I had nothing to do with and where in fact it was another colleague who performed those tasks. I also think those accomplishments are not really accomplishments and are actually quite insignificant. I also mentioned quite a few or my own achievements which were quite impactful in my self review that seem to have been completely ignored. This is my first review with this manager, so I don’t know what his style is. It’s possible he felt that it was not necessary to address my achievements because I already wrote about them and my self review appears in the same document.

He included a comment in the review that had nothing to do with me. Although the comment was overwhelming positive, without going into details about what that comment was, it is very clear that it was not about me. All of this seems very out of character, as my manager has never given me reason to doubt his attention to detail or his competence. Anytime we need anything from him, he gets it done right away and gets it done right. I know review season came at an unusually busy time this year so there might have been a time crunch. It looks like he might have tried to copy and paste comments from different reviews to save time, but he forgot to reword a few sentences on mine. I feel like my achievements are far more significant then the ones that he thinks I achieved and could very well impact the type of raise I get. How do I address this without sounding confrontational?

I’d approach it as if it was an actual mistake, not him deliberately copying and pasting someone else’s review to save time. Say something like this: “Oh, Bob, I think I might have accidentally gotten Jane’s review instead of mine. It talks about projects I didn’t work on but she did, and it doesn’t address my big goals for the year. Do you want to take a look and see if I just have the wrong one?” (It’s actually possible that it WAS an inadvertent error on his part, but if it wasn’t, this lets him save face while alerting him that he needs to fix it.)

If he insists that it’s correct, then you have a bigger problem — but from what you say, he sounds otherwise conscientious, so I’d go this route and see what happens.

3. Filing out anonymous surveys when our manager is sensitive to criticism

Our department is small and has 10 employees and one manager. Each year, we are asked to complete a “voluntary” and “anonymous” survey on the computer, which asks questions about what we think about our manager. Our manager is very sensitive and does not take criticism well. We’re all wary of giving anything but high marks for fear of retribution. Since there are only 10 of us, one bad review can torpedo the manager’s marks, so we have all made a conscious effort to falsely inflate his ratings on our surveys. The thing is, we all think the manager is horrible, but are afraid to say so on the supposedly “anonymous” survey. How should we handle the situation?

Well, you could all decide as a group to give candid feedback, which would make it harder (although not impossible) for your manager to retaliate. Or you could all (or most of you) decline to fill out the survey, which would send a pretty strong message too. Or you could talk to whoever coordinates the survey and explain that you don’t feel safe giving candid feedback and request that they find another way to gather input about your manager, if it’s truly something they want to explore. (There are ways to do that which prevent your manager from retaliating against you, but your company has to be committed to handling it that way — and just as importantly, committed to making sure that you know that.)

4. I loaned my company money and now my boss isn’t speaking to me

I joined this company last year in August. I was incredibly happy when I joined and before long became a workaholic.

But now, my manager/owner of the company refuses to speak with me/is ignoring me. I am coming to work everyday and surfing the internet and I am sick of it.

To add insult to injury, my company owes me money.The company was in need of money so I put in my savings to help out. About 7,000 in my country’s currency (equivalent to $3,500 USD).

All I did was take leave from work on a Sunday. I was tired. I had been working continuously for two weeks without time off. Just because he doesn’t take leave at all, ever since that, he has been refusing to speak with and only communicates with me through his PA.

I feel hurt and used. I put everything into this company — my hard work and even my money. Should I quit? Or should I bear it and hope for the best in future?

Do you have a written agreement about the repayment of that money, including repayment dates? I hope you do, because putting your own money into a company that you aren’t an owner of is risky business.

Doing it somewhere with a boss who gives you the silent treatment — over anything, but especially over taking a day off — is even more risky, because that says that you’re working with someone who doesn’t play by normal people’s rules.

Go talk to your boss. Ask why he’s not talking to you and what you can do to resolve the situation. Then, separately, figure out how to get that money back, as soon as possible. And yes, think about finding another job so that you can leave this one behind.

5. Going to work with my mouth numb from dental work

I have a dentist appointment coming up in a couple weeks. I had to grab an early morning appointment, so I figured I could go back to the office afterwards. However, I know that half my face will be *very* numb for ~4 hours afterwards. I’ll have the whole crooked smile, slurred speech thing going on. I don’t interact with customers or anything, just the four people I share an office with mostly. Our office is pretty laid back, so I don’t think this would be a problem. But I am curious how this falls on the professional behavior meter. I’ve never seen this from someone else, though I have seen people come back with dilation glasses after the eye doctor.

As long as you don’t interact with customers, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Just explain to the people in your office what’s going on so they’re not concerned that something terrible has befallen you.

(That said, if you have the option of working from home that day, I’d take it because I think you’ll be more comfortable.)

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weekend free-for-all – October 31-November 1, 2015

by Alison Green on October 31, 2015

Olive and pumpkinThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Book Recommendation of the Week: The Golem and the Jinni, by Helene Wecker. Someone recommended this in last weekend’s open thread, and I’m loving it. A woman made of clay and a man made of fire are marooned in 19th century New York. Surprising things happen.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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job applicants who don’t follow instructions, the company I interned for won’t hire me, and more

by Alison Green on October 31, 2015

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Do I have to send rejections to people who didn’t even follow the application instructions?

I used to manage a coffee shop where I was (sadly and frustratingly) in a constant cycle of hiring low-wage, part-time workers, so am used to the ups and down of the hiring process, but in a less “professional” setting. Now I’m managing a small office and am about to hire a part-time office assistant and have a question about how to respond to people who don’t follow the basic instructions in the job posting (specifically, we ask them to send a letter of interest with their resume and “no phone calls, please.”)

So far I’ve received half a dozen emails of resumes, some with one sentence from the job posting pasted onto the top, and one phone caller — to whom I said, “we asked people to not call” and was told “oh, I didn’t see that.” So far I’ve replied with a canned email response thanking people for their interest and am wondering if I should even bother sending the canned reply to people who do not follow simple instructions, let alone if I should take the time to look at their resume. (I tend to be rigid about following rules.)

I’ve been on the application end of jobs many times and appreciate a response but wonder if nowadays people think they’re truly contenders for a job for which they don’t follow simple application instructions or even read the job posting thoroughly?

Send the rejection to everyone; it’s not going to take any more time than only sending it to people who followed instructions. Plus, it’s the considerate thing to do. It’s not like you’re sending them all $20 bills; you’re sending them a form email telling them they’re not being considered.

Part of screening resumes is that some people don’t follow the instructions. You will always get people who don’t include cover letters even though you asked for one, and people who call even though you told them not to. That’s just part of the package, and it’s true in any level job you’re hiring for. It’s just the way of the world.

But if you want to screen out people who don’t pay attention to instructions (and I agree that you should), they’ve just made your job really is for you.

2. Can we offer reduced pay during training?

An employee has recently given notice and we feel like we have found someone to replace them. Ideally we would like the new person to work with our current employee for a few weeks before they leave. However, this job is on a contract with very tight profit margins and we can’t afford to pay two people to work on it. Is it possible to offer the new employee a reduced pay rate while they are training, then increase their pay rate once the other employee has left?

Legally, sure, as long as you tell the person in advance and don’t try to do it retroactively or after they’ve already accepted the job at the original salary. But I’d really advise against it — it’s a good way to kill the morale of your new hire exactly when you want them coming in enthused and motivated. If you can’t afford to pay two people at once, it means you can’t really afford to have two people working at once. It’s not fair to make your new hire (the very person whose loyalty you want to be building right now) bear the cost of that. It’s a cost of doing business that the business should cover.

3. How can I get feedback about why the company I interned for won’t hire me?

Is it appropriate to ask a recruiter for feedback? If so, how do you go about it?

I recently interned with a Fortune 50 company. I thought I did everything right – I came in early, stayed overtime even when I wasn’t paid, met strict deadlines, etc. However, my resume keeps getting rejected for full-time positions. In fact, it’s been rejected six times now. What troubles me is that two of my fellow interns got the same full-time positions that I’ve applied to. These two held the same intern position as me and had very similar prior experiences as mine. How can I find out why I can’t even get an interview?

Ask your manager from your internship for feedback, not the recruiter. The manager is the one who knows your work and is better positioned to give you feedback.

For what it’s worth, it’s possible that work quality was an issue (because that’s different than the hours you worked or meeting deadlines) or something more like soft skills (communication, professionalism, etc.). If you don’t get useful feedback from your old manager, I’d try reflecting on those things and seeing if there might be something there that could be the issue.

(Also, I’m obligated to say here that you should not work overtime without getting paid, because your company could have gotten in serious legal trouble for that, even though you were doing it on your own.)

4. Employer is requiring me to get approval for all volunteer work

My employer, a state government agency, is requiring that I submit a form and get approval for any volunteer activities I would like to do outside of work. I am having a hard time swallowing this. Is it really any of their business if I am a Girl Scout leader? Can they really tell me that I cannot be a Girl Scout leader for some reason? I understand that some positions may be a conflict of interest (i.e., volunteering for an agency that receives state contracts), but can they really mandate that anything I do needs to be approved?

This approach of having to get everything approved seems a little “big brother” and seems to violate my right to privacy. Not to mention, they are going to likely stop people from becoming involved in community service organizations, which is a shame.

It’s very unlikely that they’re going to tell you that you can’t be a Girl Scout leader. They’re asking because there are other things that would be a conflict of interest, and since they can’t anticipate every possible variation of that, they’re asking people to disclose volunteer work across the board.

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